#I need outside perspective

6 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

lapis oar
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So I have a little bit of a dilemma with a friend of mine, lets call him Zach. Zach and I have only known each other for about 2 months, online only, but we really hit it off. We were having deep meaningful conversations that were lasting hours at a time, and we even talked about us "talking with intention", so maybe moving into the dating side of things. This went on for about 2 weeks, and then all of a sudden after a slightly intense conversation about politics of which we had slightly different views (I'm talking very slight), he became very distant and seemed to pull away. Now this isn't to say he stopped talking me, he always responds, but he never reaches out, he sends TikToks and responds to stuff on Discord.

After about a week of this new behavior I reached out to him and straight up asked what was going on. He explained that he is currently having an identity crisis and is super depressed and having a hard time functioning. That he isn't currently in a place where he can be a consistent person in someone else's life, emotionally or conversationally. He stated that all he's trying to do is distract himself and get through the day. All of this is fine. I told him we would be friends with no pressure to be anything else, and that I was here for him if he needed anything even just to talk.

Other information to understand about Zach is that he has ADHD (unmedicated) and suffers from RSD. (Not sure how to phrase that).

So that's his story, now here's mine. (I had to add it to the comments. I'm wordy!)

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I also suffer from depression and anxiety, and have been struggling quite a bit in the last 6 months or so, but I'm on medication and have started journaling and meditating along with seeing a therapist once a week.

How I interpret Zach and I's situation is thus; I said something he really didn't like when we had that conversation about politics, changing how he sees me, and thus him losing interest. My reaching out to him pushed him into a corner where he had to say something and it is easier and less painful to just say he is going through something and not able to be there. Like when someone is a relationship is done and just starts doing less and less or acting worse to try and get the other person to leave first.

So I guess the dilemma is, do I keep talking and messaging Zach and try and be a supportive friend while he's going through this rough time? Or do I back off and let things slowly dwindle to nothing? Or maybe not idk.

I would like to add that I'm a 30 year old adult so need to sugarcoat things for me on this.

astral vale
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@lapis oar This is a very tough situation, but i think you read on it is very spot on. WIth mental health, and politics beign so intermeshed nowadays i wouldnt doubt that he would be willing to throw away a relationship over a slight disagreement it sadly has become very normalized. But there might also be anotehr side as he stated and he is not in the right headspace for one right now. But guess what with that information you can make a positive move in the right direction no matter what the answer to that question is. That is to move on. Its alright to be friends with him, but thats all i would keep it at for the time being, keep it light and friendly, but put your energy into yourself, and start looking for someone that meets the same energy and is not confusing you about whether you are wanted or not. That is a foundation for a relationship, dont try and change people, or wait in the expectation that other will accept them for who they are and move on, if he is willing to grow, and wants a serious relationship trust me you will know, because in a healthy relationship you are supposed to feel wanted, and pursued, and a growth mindset partner is willing ot be honest forthright and tell you this.

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let me know if this helped

lapis oar
# astral vale let me know if this helped

Thank you this is very helpful and I appreciate your time in responding.

Your thoughts on the matter are very similar to my own. In the sense that I need to shift my focus to friends only and step back, and give space for myself to find balance.
I’m still working on myself and recognizing that I deserve more than the bare minimum from those around me.
I just wanted some validation I guess. Before I really accepted where this relationship is at.

astral vale