messed up relations

[round shell]

i am also an axious attatchment type and i realize that i fall for people extremely fast. I place them on this pedestal and fail to see their shortcomings, however, I have learned not to act on these feelings because they are fleeting.

[latent patio]

@round shell could you please give advice on how to deal with it

[round shell]

well what traits do you notice yourself exhibiting as an anxious attachment type

[latent patio]

I get a suffocating feeling whenever ithink about something negetive

Like somebody is physically choking me

[latent patio]

Im feeling very lonely rn and it is happening

I get worried even at slightest things

I think everybody will leave at some point

Ik its just my overthinking speaking

[latent patio]

I broke up yesterday

[round shell]

Although I don’t completely understand how you’re feeling, I do share a similar type of thinking. And I am sorry for your loss and the pain that you have to go through

I am glad you were able to open up to me about this and it was probably difficult but thank you

At times I also feel suffocated as well especially when I am at home with my family. It feels like I’m getting a panic attack nearly and like you I feel like I can’t breathe when I’m around them which is why I avoid being at home.

I honestly have not found a solution to this predicament yet I just try to avoid situations that trigger these responses and go with the prevention route

[round shell]

are you able to identify what negative thoughts trigger these responses

[latent patio]

Yes

I think so

I desperately crave love and affection

Idk why but it developed on its own

So whenever i think about how most of people i meet leave

Or see any couple and remember how i was abandoned

It initiates it

Or when i feel like no one is hearing me

Or taking my words seriously

It is really hard to understand so i avoid

My parents

Because they will ask about it

And i cant tell myself what it is

Im still feeling unsafe about talking about myself here but ik it will hurt me if i keep it inside

[round shell]

Similar to you I also crave affection and attention due to the lack of friends and social interactions I had growing up as a child. The people I would associate myself with and hang around were fake friends and would never really consider me one of their own. As I grew up I realized that the best way to help deal with this (or at least in my experience) is to try and give yourself the validation that you crave in others. Trying to find the source of this also helps find solutions that would help you personally deal with them too. I strongly suggest journaling as it helps you sort out your thoughts

I journal on a google doc especially on days when I feel like I'm lonely because on a document it allows me to spit all the things that I have built up inside me and all the things that are suffocating me. It also allows me to go back and add stuff later on if I am in a similar situation and allows me to better analyze why I am feeling this way from a more rational perspective after I get everything off my chest.

[round shell]

yes i didnt even know i craved attention or where it stemmed from until after I went through one relationship. And like you it also breaks my heart whenever I see couples around me and it is epspecially hard nowadays because they be literally everywhere you go and look. Theyre all over the internet too.

[latent patio]

Yes its really hard

one of my problem is that i forgive peoples faults too easily

[round shell]

i am glad you were able to open up to me about it and please share what you are comfortable with. if you feel unsafe about talking about some subjects i wont pressure you into talking about them. when you are ready you can share at your own pace

[latent patio]

Like i said i got cheated on by my first partner

Twice

I couldnot even get mad

If she came to me i doubt i would feel anything negetive about her

[round shell]

yes i notice that I forgive people and give them second chances really quickly as well. I can tell you have a kind heart my friend but one quote I live by is " forgive, but never forget" . Sure I may forgive them for what they did to me but I will remember the pain and the lack of sympathy they showed me in order to prevent me from relapsing the same pain.

[round shell]

that is great! And I am glad to see that you are such a forgiving person, however, you must also learn to respect yourself. You seem like a selfless person who gives others many chances and I respect that, however, at some points you must place barriers up in order to prevent yourself from hurting.

[latent patio]

If i accidentally hurt someone i get hurt more than them to an extreme level

[latent patio]

Im ready to try for the first time

[round shell]

have you noticed any ways that have helped ease these triggers at all?

[round shell]

yes it is completely fine to avoid speaking about a subject even to your parents. Sometimes we need to take time with ourselves and reflect. This will allow us to deeper understand ourselves and find solutions to the trauma we may have had beforehand.

[latent patio]

For example a friend of mine got caught cheating in a pretty big exam so i thought i would give her space (as it is the only way ik how to cope) i learned to cope this way but she blocked me after 2 days and after a month called me and for 40 min straight said awfull things

I couldnt do but cry those 40 min i did not say a word

[latent patio]

Yes when im with few friends i have

But they are going to uni soon too

[round shell]

if you dont mind me asking how is your friendship with her standing as of now?

[latent patio]

Im blocked

Everywhere

No contact

I cosidered her as one of my best friends

More like a sister

[round shell]

i apologize to hear that and I can't understand what you must be feeling losing someone close to you like that.

How have you been dealing with this situation if you dont mind me asking?

[latent patio]

I am a student so studies keep me pretty busy

But they dont clear all of these thoughts

[round shell]

it is okay to cry and your feelings are completely valid. Someone came back to you only to hurt you and you considered them very close to you. In this society crying looks frowned upon, however, like every other emotion it is only natural. Please know that crying is okay and is in our nature.

[latent patio]

Ik crying is ok im not ashamed by it

[round shell]

This is wonderful. Building a strong support system like this helps also relieve or at least distract me from them as well.

[latent patio]

My ex however she was avoidant still infact kept me from thinking about other things

[latent patio]

But in the end she also said all of it was a lie

[latent patio]

Yes it breaks me to think they too will go away for studies

They are some of my best friend i have know them since i was just 2 to 3 years old

[round shell]

Distracting yourself from these problems may give you time to breathe and another taste of freedom, a breathe of fresh air but like I mentioned it is only a distraction. It is not going to ever be easy and will be difficult to manuever but (like I mentioned before) diving deep into our own mind to analyze our pain and letting ourselves feel those moments once again and relive them will allow us to process them in a more rational process. By doing so we are able to identify pinpoints of these craves for attention and develop strategies to cope with them

[round shell]

I am once more sorry to hear this. How did you feel when she said this?

[latent patio]

Hmm i will try to keep a diary of my feelings

[latent patio]

It was awfull i sacrificed a lot just to be with her

I planned my whole future with her

[round shell]

Yes seperating from the ones we rely on the most will be very difficult. Like you many of my friends seperated from me when they went to university due to the physical distance, however, I knew that despite the distance and us talking less frequently they would still be there to support me. Although it will be much harder as they aren't as available as they were previously, just knowing that they will be there for us is pretty reassuring.

[latent patio]

But things dont go as expected

[round shell]

Yes I suggest writing them in a google doc and placing dates on them to gradually track how much you will grow overtime. If you continue wanting to improve yourself then I know you will grow. Just stepping out of your comfort zone already to share me this, demonstrates your courage and acceptance of yourself and your areas of improvement. You are already half way there

[round shell]

Yes when I was with my previous partner I also planned an ideal future with her in my mind. I know it hurted to be in a situation that you didn't envision your future having, however, the harsh reality is life never gives us what we want. It will always make us work for it. We will never be spoon-fed for the things we desire.

[round shell]

You mentioned wanting to start putting up boundaries. Have you brainstormed any ideas on how to do so?

[latent patio]

No not yet maybe not get involved with anyone so easily

Like learning to say no

[round shell]

Yes learning to say no is important especially as someone who is self-sacrificing. They tend to let themselves get trampled on for the sake of others and a majority of the time people out there may fail to realize their work and effort for them.

would you like advice in this subject

[latent patio]

Yes any advice will help

[round shell]

Well I learned first off that we need to respect ourselves because although you may want to help others with all your heart you must also realize that helping yourself is just as important.

[round shell]

do you know why it is hard to reject others?

Do you have a people-pleasing mentality by any chance? Or are you afraid of letting others down if you reject them? These were some of the traits I noticed I possessed after analyzing myself.

[latent patio]

Yes i think so

I do anything to make others like me

[round shell]

In middle school I used to have the same mentality and it would force me to fall in line with everybody else instead of expressing my authentic self. However, you are understanding towards others when they reject you at times right?

The same should be expected from them because you aren't always available time wise or emotional wise to help them out

[latent patio]

Yes i think you are right

[latent patio]

Yep

[round shell]

I am glad that you are beginning to realize that it is okay to reject others, but like I've mentioned before identifying the causes and triggers of our emotions and breaking down our behaviors to their very core will allow not only others but yourself to help build yourself up.

Is there anything else you would like to share or anything else you would like for me to give advice to you about

[latent patio]

No mot rn thank you so much i feel a lot better

I have some work to complete i feel better so i think i will be able to do it

[round shell]

I am very happy that I was able to assist you and if you ever need someone to talk to I will be here to listen. Feel free to shoot me a dm as well.

[latent patio]

I will😁

[round shell]

I believe in you. It will be a tought journey but diamonds aren't made from a peaceful life but rather burning lava and immesureable pressure

[latent patio]

Thank you and bye i jave to go now

😁