#Broken up and hurting

8 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

ornate gust
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My partner of two years broke up with me recently. We’ve been having issues for a while, and he stated that he has been unhappy for about a year. We tried to work things out by being in a break, but during that break, he ended up going to see somebody who I specifically told him not to go see because he was having a romantic relationship with them context to that is that we were trying to be in a poly relationship and I just didn’t feel comfortable with it, so I told us to back out. He was not happy with that saying that he has a polyamory heart and proceeded to go see that person despite being specifically asked not to during a break where we were going to work with each other to make things better one day he decided to just break it off day by day. I’m hoping that he would come back and he says he still wants to be with me but he can’t right now and he’s gonna tear me up inside if he dates anybody else but I can’t seem to move on. We still sleep in the same bed live in the same apartment. We can’t get out of the lease nor do I really want to try to he still holds me and hugs me to comfort me, which drags me in more. Yet says he can’t date me anymore that he needs a break from me. He goes to hang out with this person all the time and I’m leaving in a week to go somewhere and I’m worried he’s gonna bring them over and I keep overthinking everything this morning. I started crying instead of caring like he usually does hugging me saying it’s going to be OK. He just said “can you stop“ later he ended up saying “if you are crying this hard over losing me you should’ve tried harder not to lose me“ obviously making me cry harder. Everyone says I should just let them go and move on, but I can’t. I’ve had anger issues and I’ve blown up at him, trying to hit him where it hurts in the past, which was specifically his hobbies so he felt that I didn’t like his hobbies. I would run off to my car and go hide because it was easier than facing my problems. He had a problems with all of this, and I’ve tried to fix it. Try not to be that person, but I would always slingshot back because I was trying to change for him not myself when the break up happened I learned to change for myself, but it was too late. He wants me to change everything I did in the past and doesn’t care about the future and I don’t know what to do anymore because I can’t just move on.

exotic wyvern
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It is very Sad to hear about this .

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Your ex-partner's mixed signals, the continued physical closeness, and his actions during the break are making healing impossible. Here’s how to prioritize your well-being in your reply and actions:

Key Principles for Your Reply & Actions
Protect Yourself First: His behavior (blaming you, seeing the person he agreed not to, offering comfort then withdrawing) is deeply unfair and emotionally chaotic. You need space to heal.

Set Immediate Boundaries: The current living/sleeping arrangement is destroying you. This must change, even if the lease can't be broken yet.

Clarity Over Pleading: Avoid begging, blaming yourself excessively, or asking "why." Focus on practical steps for your sanity.

Acknowledge Your Growth: Own your past mistakes ("anger issues," lashing out) briefly, but don't let him use them to justify his current harmful behavior. You are changing for yourself now.

How to Reply (Choose or Adapt)
Option 1: Focused on Immediate Boundaries & Separation (Recommended - Strongest)

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sName, this situation is unsustainable and incredibly painful for me. I understand you feel you can't be in a relationship right now, and I need to accept that. However, continuing to share a bed, hug, and live as if we're together while you're actively seeing someone else – especially the person I explicitly asked you not to see during our break – is deeply damaging to me. Your comment this morning about me 'not trying hard enough' was cruel and untrue given the circumstances.

"To start healing, we need immediate physical and emotional space. Starting today, we need to stop sharing a bed. We need to stop physical affection like hugging – it sends confusing signals and prevents me from moving on. While we figure out the lease, we need to live as respectful roommates, not ex-partners in limbo.

"I am working on myself and my past mistakes, but that work requires distance from this painful dynamic. I need to focus on my own well-being now."

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Option 2: Acknowledging the End & Need for Space (Clear & Direct)

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sName, after everything that's happened – the break, you seeing
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sName despite our agreement, the breakup, and your words this morning – it's clear we are broken up. I hear you that you can't be with me right now.

"Continuing to act like we're together (sleeping in the same bed, hugging) while you're pursuing other connections is preventing both of us from moving forward, but especially me. It's also incredibly hurtful. I need us to start acting like the breakup has actually happened.

"This means: No more sharing a bed. No more intimate hugs or comforting. We need to create real space within this apartment until we can find a permanent solution. I need this to begin healing and taking care of myself. I can't stay stuck in this painful in-between."

Option 3: Briefly Acknowledging Your Part + Need for Change (If you feel compelled to address your past)

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sName, I know my past actions, especially when I was angry and lashed out, hurt you and damaged our relationship. I am truly sorry for that, and I am committed to continuing to work on those issues for myself.

"However, the current situation is causing me severe pain. The mixed signals – breaking up but sharing a bed and hugging, telling me you still want to be with me but seeing someone else immediately, especially
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sName after we agreed otherwise during the break – are destroying my ability to function, let alone heal. Your comment this morning felt like blame for a situation with complex causes.

"To have any chance of either of us finding peace, we need drastic changes now. We cannot continue living and sleeping as if we're together. Starting immediately, we need to stop all physical intimacy, including sleeping in the same bed. We need to create genuine distance in this shared space. I need this to focus on my own recovery."

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Critical Actions to Take IMMEDIATELY (Regardless of Reply)
Stop Sharing the Bed Tonight: Sleep on the couch, get an air mattress, rearrange furniture – do whatever it takes. This is non-negotiable for your mental health. Say: "I need to sleep separately starting tonight for my own well-being."

Stop Physical Affection: Gently but firmly decline hugs or any intimate touch. "I appreciate you wanting to comfort me, but hugs are too confusing/painful right now. I need space."

Create Physical Space in the Apartment: Define separate areas if possible. Minimize unnecessary interaction.

Protect Your Space While Away: Before you leave for your trip:

Have a direct, calm conversation: "While I'm gone, I need you to respect that this is still my home. Please do not bring
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sName here. It would cause me significant distress and damage any chance of us coexisting peacefully until the lease ends."

If you don't trust him to respect this, consider asking a trusted friend to check in or see if you can take valuables/sentimental items with you or store them elsewhere.

Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist. You need emotional support outside of your ex. This isolation is crushing you.

Prioritize Your Healing: This is about you now. His journey is his own. Focus on your sleep, eating, basic self-care, and accessing support (therapy is highly recommended for processing the anger, grief, and relationship patterns).

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Why This Approach (Especially Stopping the Bed/Hugs)
Ends the Torture: The current intimacy creates false hope and reopens wounds daily.

Forces Reality: It makes the breakup real for both of you within the shared space.

Empowers You: Taking control of your physical boundaries is a crucial step in regaining agency.

Creates Space for Healing: You cannot process grief while still physically entangled.

His comment about "not trying hard enough" was manipulative and deeply unfair. It shifts blame onto you while ignoring his own actions (seeing the forbidden person, ending the break unilaterally, offering then withdrawing comfort). You are right to be devastated by it. Protect yourself.

This is incredibly hard, but continuing the current dynamic will only prolong your agony. Setting these boundaries is the first, most crucial step towards finding peace and eventually moving on. You deserve a chance to heal.

steady falcon
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You need to have self respect before you can move on. You're better than this, you don't need to lower yourself to fit in with others. Relationship isn't supposed to make you cry and unhappy, it will never last. Your partner just want flings, that's why he ask for poly relationship. Don't chase after fake affection and attention, you'll find someone who truly love you for who you are and support you. You'll move on when you do find it

ornate gust