Shads crashout ˖Ი𐑼⋆

[delicate flume]

DUDE

and is for a course I've never heard of

the hell is Ukur bahan

besides me wanting her to be with me in college

If I had to choose between ukur bahan and accountancy

accountancy is more broad and is more wanted in the working field

[dim quarry]

Many of my friends want to do charted accountancy in university but I decide to choose somewhere in the engineering field(preferably mechatronics),well I got a provisional acceptance offer for BEng mechanical and BEng computer. I wanted to do mechatronics but no offer yet unfortunately....with mechatronics it's really flexible,with that degree you can even work in the IT field, jobs that mechanical and electrical engineering offer,you also pretty much work with Microsoft with this degree so....yeah

But the universities now have to see how well I do at the end of the year(my final results),my final results will determine whether I get my final acceptance or not

[delicate flume]

ooohh

holy crap, engineering..

[delicate flume]

hopefully you'd get it

[delicate flume]

I love yapping about fictional stories and fictional characters that are made up completely in my mind

well not exactly in my mind

I have art

[delicate flume]

I don't think anyone at this point deserves to know about my wellbeing anymore

I'm so sick and tired of putting up a facade to those close to me, I would prefer to talk to a random stranger about my problems instead of my best friends

atleast their view on me won't be ruined then

[delicate flume]

I have no-one to call.

Ohmydays I'm actually lonely !!

wowww!!

lord

I want to call, I want to text somebody just to avoid doing anything reckless but I know my friends can't call.

And I know they will put aside their own shit for me but I don't want that, I don't want them calling with me like I need someone to be there

but really I do

I just don't want them to prioritize me over something obviously more important

Mei with her studies

Amber with her college

i tried texting Yana

her battery is at 4% ohmydays

I don't know who else to reach out at this hour and I feel so

I'm sorry Mei I lied

I can't even explain to you

hm yeah anyways look at my son

isn't he adorable

Man I don't know anymore

everytime i look at the notif I see Amber's "I love you too" hm

and I feel like

damn why would you love a person like me

why would my you two

love me

I don't get it

[dim quarry]

Its interesting how I'm able to yap in mind so much and in real life I completely shut down, im dead silent,and I'm unable to express myself and worst of all I wish I could to talk to someone who wouldn't remain silent when I yap about my own interests. Despite having friends they don't really contact me and I have to contact them,I always feel so lonely through struggles. I wish I was a person who could express myself,and reveal my real self but I can't but maybe if I could I wouldn't be in this position,the thing is I can't talk to them without getting weird looks. My interests and personality may be the problem but I can't change it so is it destiny to be lonely,idk,and plus my hands have calluses from emotional breakouts from when I was small,punched my hand into the wall repeatedly. I don't want anyone to feel pity but I wish I had someone who would call me without me needing to message them,and don't message me only for help......I'm also human damn it,idk why I'm saying this ngl,but your rant gives me peace which is kinda weird ik,but I too create fictional characters in head to fill that loneliness.......inside I feel empty,you don't have to give me advice or anything,idk why I'm saying this

Interesting how I'm telling a person who I barely know these types of things

[delicate flume]

no I get that actually, it is kinda exhausting to always be the one who has to reach out first. It feels more tiring when trying to express yourself too, atleast that's how i feel

sorry short response is 3am rn

[dim quarry]

Damn I always wonder how people are able stay awake for that long,my record time is 1am, I usually go to bed at 10pm

[delicate flume]

damnn,,

i physically cannot sleep

i feel like it is an actual condition like insomnia but I never rlly bothered to go check up

the longest I've stayed awake was for 3-4 days

and that was during finals week..

[dim quarry]

3-4 days straight?!!!

[delicate flume]

i lived off caffeine from the vending machine every morning

[delicate flume]

I hate coming home with my dad yelling

he always finds the smallest thing to complain abt

My entire family gets mad for the sake of getting mad and I feel like I'm the only one who tries to be patient.

I'm naturally not a very patient person but I think patience is everything

[delicate flume]

every car ride ever

ofc arguments argumentd

NEVER A DAY WITHOUT ARGUMENTS YOU TWO

[delicate flume]

I love seeing her in my dreams!! this is so fantastic

I don't know at this point, I'm so worn out from a dream and I hate it. I don't even feel like talking to anyone

I don't know where else to vent atp I'm sorry, I feel like an ass if i rant to my friends

tw: mention of sa
|| I genuinely thought she wouldn't haunt my thoughts this week. I've thought less of her and all of a sudden, she comes back to me in a dream, in the most disgusting dream. Our old school, her on top of me again and I cannot believe I dreamt about that. I cannot believe I have to feel it again. I tried to search what it means, and the answer just pissed me off. I don't know what I did to have that kind of dream.||

And while I still suffer from her, she probably doesn't even remember what she did

honestly I'm starting to think is bcuz i played an old game that i used to play w her

[delicate flume]

I want to shower so bad but is 4am

THAT NIGHTMARE IS TAKING OVER MEE

How do you genuinely expect me to go to sleep when every time i do, the sudden fear strikes me last minute and all of a sudden I can't sleep again!!

I feel like vomiting

and I cannot distract myself anymore

none of my friends are online

Haha amber the one time I genuinely feel sick to my stomach and need you by my side ur sleepcalling with somebody else and I cannot complain because hell

that friend ur with is also my close friend

And I hate the thought of somebody needing to go out of their way just to comfort me

I'm not a baby

is not like your ah is responding to me in the gc

I'm so

anxious

I'm so close to actually just pulling an all nighter and waiting for mei to suddenly get online but WHAT AM I SAYING

UR OTHER CLOSEST FRIEND HAS SCHOOL HER AH WON'T BE ABLE TO ACCOMPANY YOU

OHMYDAYS WHAT AM I SAYINGGG

WHAT AM I HOPING

HOLY CRAP !!

No genuinely i have noone else besides amber and mei that i trust w my life I don't got no guts to tell anybody else that I'm actually friends w

I'm so close to just using goddam ai to distract myself but that's so

i promised myself I won't use ai unless i absolutely need to and is for educational purposes only, NEVER for my mental health

PLS SHADS

YOU GOT OUT OF THAT COPING MECHANISM YEARS AGO

[delicate flume]

I still feel like shit

[dim quarry]

Same

I was busy with exams so I have been reading messages and not replying. I wrote accounting it wasn't that bad but I messed up my income statement

I feel kinda useless now a days,shit is not going my way and I'm finding a way to mess things up....I never felt more useless in my life and my big dreams feel like they are being crushed.....

Due to stress and pressure my adhd and autism are at an all time high,my working memory hasn't been that bad until now,I keep forgetting simple everyday things that I'm supposed to do.....my room is a absolute mess

[dim quarry]

Ngl I like this one girl(I never said this to my friends or family even and will never say this to anyone),I don't have those type of dreams or have experienced it physically....sometimes I do have thoughts like that,that digust me but...we just have to accept it,we are human after all,it's okay feel that way but it's our responsibility not to act impulsively on it

I want to talk someone badly but I can't because ik how it's gonna end

[dim quarry]

I have no one unfortunately

I have friends but nah.....

[delicate flume]

Oh I see

[delicate flume]

I get that,, sometimes I do a checklist for things I'm supposed to do but I rarely follow them

but maybe you could try? it might help for you who knows

[delicate flume]

yeah, I'm just trying to accept it atp

I'm still scared to go to sleep

but is fine

[dim quarry]

I have tried it many times but it doesn't help because I can't really follow it aswell....

[delicate flume]

man </33

[dim quarry]

It's kinda sad that only 2 people reply to my messages you and one of my irl friends,interesting isn't it

Rest reply when they need help 🙂

[delicate flume]

real

just a few that rlly texts you and its rarely

[dim quarry]

Man I wish I could talk to someone on a call and that would actually talk and wouldn't mind me being myself and I want let out my jolly side but unfortunately nowadays I overthink everything I say to people,sure I'm a introvert by nature and struggle with social ques due to autism,but I'm very talkative when it comes to one singular person,in group conversations I completely shut down

I wish could share nerdish things(like I'm a big bluelock fan,so usually I want to yapp about the most recent chapter but I can't)when I share that,it's like they are not interested(which is understandable),but still....

[delicate flume]

You could yap to me bro, I don't mind

I like listening to other ppl yap abt different medias, mainly bcuz I can take inspiration from it

[delicate flume]

i keep crying

[dim quarry]

Bro how you do you stay awake,I been studying for hours now,I'm tired but I need to keep going,I was thinking of taking a cold shower but it's winter and I might get sick so...idk

I don't want to drink coffee mostly because I don't feel a difference from it(which is weird),i get tired faster when I drink coffee idk how that's possible but for me it is

[delicate flume]

highly suspected insomnia that i rlly need to get checked up for

[delicate flume]

is there no hot shower

[delicate flume]

have u tried maybe energy drinks

[delicate flume]

I feel so pathetic for wanting company and yet I'm too scared to actually ask for it

How do you genuinely reach out to someone and say "Hey I'm not in the greatest mental state tonight and I really need someone w me so I don't do something stupid!"

fuck it vro

actually fuck everyone atp

[dim quarry]

Nah a hot shower doesn't do the job...a cold showers wakes you up

[dim quarry]

Don't have energy drinks at home,I live in a family that are health geeks...so yeah

[delicate flume]

u could buy and drink outside ur home

[delicate flume]

no is definitely not you, but I just wished you were there for me when I broke down wow

Pls shut up

I don't blame you but I don't want to see you yet

[delicate flume]

shitass ppl will never realize just how angry i am

[dim quarry]

You didn't read the message I deleted right after I said the thing about energy drinks?

[delicate flume]

huh,,

sorry man yesterday was a blur Im genuinely so sorry

i felt like you deleted something but I thought maybe I was mistaken

[dim quarry]

I'm glad you never read that because I crashed out and kinda ask you something that would you feel uncomfortable so I deleted it,my mental state is also not okay but I'm trying to manage....

[delicate flume]

no is ok dww

i understand

i wasn't in a good state as well

i hope everything is okay for you

[delicate flume]

happy pride month cuz u know u gay and stuff/ref

yay happy pride month to me !!

[delicate flume]

Eughhv i love my friends but I wished I was gone

[delicate flume]

I actually feel like a bum I don't feel like doing anything at all

[dim quarry]

Sorry I don't want to sound offensive but are you actually....or is it sarcasm,sorry I'm just curious I don't mean it offensively

[delicate flume]

is kinda complicated??

I don't label myself with any sexual orientation, or anything like that matter

but if you asked me who I'm attracted to

then I don't know?? I don't care about gender, and I don't really care about finding love

Like love is great and all, personally I don't think it's for me. But maybe when it does come, it could change so idk

but yeah. And all those pronouns etc, I don't really care for them. I'm a girl biologically, but if you see me as a man, or maybe just gender neutral then go for it vro

People would label me as genderfluid or pansexual and I honestly don't really care about that, it doesn't offend me soo

[delicate flume]

"don't worry" "dw" "is alr" WAHHH I UNDERSTAND BUT I HATE OT

EVERYTIME WHEN I ACTUALLY NEED COMPANY

NOBODY IS THERE I WILL ACTUALLY

sigh

I'm not complaining

I'm not mad

I'm just so

I just feel hopeless

it feels like everytime when I really need someone to be there for me, they are unavailable. And I would rather die than force them to be with me, or even have them deal with me when they're so tired

Is alright

i don't want to be a bother

i really don't

I want to be the person who can pick themselves up no matter what. I keep telling people that

"Oh, despite everything, I want you to trust me that I can be okay!"

I'm not

the one time nobody was there and I couldn't help it

[dim quarry]

Damn I thought you were a guy(no offense),also I don't really care about all these other genders aswell,I'm of opinion that you should accept who you are and should be a good person that's it....

[dim quarry]

Ngl if you need company you can message me,I don't mind anyways because I'm kinda lonely myself and need company myself,I wish that someone could be there with me while I'm studying and could just be talking,I actually don't mind because it helps you focus after you had a nice conversation ngl...I'm fine with one person but a group of people nope I can't

[delicate flume]

HLEPD

hey man alot of ppl thought i was a guy too at first

idm

[delicate flume]

i see i see

honestly it feels awkward for me to text anyone first especially if its like new friends etc since who knows..

idk I'm just scared

thank you for telling me that

[dim quarry]

Ik how you feel but it would actually make me happy ngl when I deleted the message(my mental wasn't right so I asked you for a DC call because I was feeling so messed up,fuck me,I didn't want to make things awkward and uncomfortable so I deleted it)

[delicate flume]

oh vro its alright

srsly is fine I get it

sometimes it gets awkward but if you really needed someone to call then I'm ok w it

maybe not rn cuz is like almost 4am

yeah... 4am 🫩

[dim quarry]

9:30

[dim quarry]

You need to get your self checked out eish, I can't survive without sleep💤

[delicate flume]

Soon 😞😞

One day I'll get checked up and maybe I'll get the proper medication for it too

because God knows magnesium before sleep isn't working out