#My mom has made my life hell and I'm too broken to keep going

1 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

coarse lynx
#

Hello everyone. I'm male and hispanic, if that even matters, but apologies in advance if I make a grammar mistake. I warn you that this is going to be long and it will take multiple messages, but please hear me out. I don't have anywhere else to turn to.

For as long as I can remember, my mom has done everything she can to make my life a living hell.

Lets start with eating, because it's probably what bothers me the most. She makes it a nightmare. I have no say in anything. She only SOMETIMES asks us (me and younger sis) what we want to eat but thats about it. I'll watch her serving me my food and I'll tell her "That's enough" and she gets mad and yells about how I never wanna eat anything. And even WHILE eating I have to do so the way she tells me to. She'll say something like "Eat the chicken first because it's more important/it'll get cold/were running out" etc. It's like all that's missing now is for her to tell me how to poop out the food too.

I don't even remember the last time I directly told her I wasn't hungry. She gets so irrationally angry for no reason, so I've been forcing myself to eat through whatever she gives me. When I tell her I'm full she'll get mad at me for that as well. I'm saying I've had enough, as in I can't fit more food in my stomach, but she's saying I haven't. And that's a problem. One time I threw up because of this exact thing, and she made me go back to the table, AFTER I threw up, and eat what was left. I remember her saying things like "You threw up so you have space for the rest" and "You're going to finish all of that and I don't care how many times you throw up".
.

#

When I would give her my lunchbox so she could pack my lunch for school (which is always stuff she buys, she never actually makes any of it) she would find something uneaten from the day before. She would ask me why I didn't eat it and I would tell her the truth, that I just wasn't hungry. I thought she'd appreactiate my honesty, but she lashes out at me and give me a lecture on why not eating is bad for me. AND I KNOW THAT, but eating when I don't feel like it, when my body is telling me I shouldn't, is equally as bad right?

One time she asked me "Do you want to eat?" and I said no, because I wasn't hungry. She got mad and went on a screaming fit about how I'll stay skinny and never grow. Why did she ask me that if she was going to get mad if I said no? Why not just ask me what I want to eat instead if I'm gonna have to eat no matter what? It's like she literally cannot wrap her around the concept of not being hungry or not wanting to eat.

But the worst thing she does, is when out of nowhere, with absolutely no warning, she makes something that we've never eaten or SEEN before, and expects us to eat it normally without a problem. I'd appreaciate if she at least did the bare minimum of telling us that were going to eat something new, even if I don't want to, but she can't bring herself to do that for some reason.

Look, please do not hit me with the "You should at least be grateful you have food", because I am, and I do usually enjoy my food under the right circumstances, but this is a problem that's been plaguing me for years now with no solution. I don't think a teenager like myself should be eating more than he can take, especially at times when he doesn't even feel like eating in the first place. That has to be unhealthy in some way right?

It's MY body and whether I eat or not shouldn't be a concern to her. Only I should get to decide what goes in it.

Now, for all the other shit she does.
.

#

She'll see me place a dish in the sink and go on this hour-long screaming fit about how the dishes are piling up and no one but her is willing to wash them. She gets all petty and starts screaming as loud as she can about how she's gonna start letting them pile up to see how bad it gets. Always as loud as possible, to make sure my sister and I can hear it. She even told us to start throwing them away if we're too lazy to wash them. And you know what? Maybe I will. If there's no dishes to eat food on, then maybe you'll stop making me eat and I'll get to decide for myself. At least now I know to not let her see me put anything in the sink to avoid triggering her.

She gets so mad over the smallest things.. I'm starting to think it might genuinely be a mental illness. She doesn't realize there are multiple ways to achieve the same thing. For example, I drink milk almost daily. When I'm pouring myself a glass, why does it matter if I pour with my left hand and hold the glass with my right hand? Why does it matter if I switch hands? Why does it matter if it's up in the air, slightly above the counter? Why does it matter if I do it on one side of the counter instead of the other? The answer is it doesn't. But to her, it does. And to me, the only thing I want is to put the damn milk in the glass, and I don't care how I do that as long as it gets in there. If it doesn't affect the final outcome then WHO GIVES A SHITTTT??
.

#

One time she grounded me for something and as she walked away with my electronics she said "If being without your computer is such a problem for you, then hang yourself from the ceiling." That has happened three times. Three times already she's told me to hang myself. Another time she said that if I wanted, to give her the location of a bridge for me to jump off of and she will drive me there. How the hell can this be a normal thing to say to your kid? If you're a parent, do you think, if you were pushed far enough, you would tell your child to take their own life or even offer to assist them in doing so? She brought me here and now she's telling me to die. I don"t get it.

I have thought of killing myself but I've never actually tried it, because unlike her I have my girlfriend and my friends, people who care about me and would cry if I died.

Another time I woke up at 2:00 pm. Of course, another screaming fit. She started rambling about how disrespectful it was for me to wake up at 2:00 and how I'm a lazy imbecile. Why does it matter? How the hell can the time I wake up at be offensive? How does that affect anyone but me?

She has zero emotional control or intelligence. Absolutely no self-restraint. I swear she's like a toddler trapped in a 47-year old's body. (Is it possible to become senile at 47?)

She once called me an emotionless monster. Those exact words, "Monstruo sin sentimientos" in Spanish. This made me lock myself in my room and start sobbing uncontrollably. I'm not an emotionless monster. She's just projecting.
.

#

I wish she would change. I wish I was different. I wish I was better. I wish she never had me. I was the intentional child and my sister was the surprise yet she somehow gets treated better than me. I didn't ask to be here and I don't want to keep living like this.

If my sister wants to go somewhere, all she asks is where and with who and it's an instant yes. When I want to go somewhere, which I almost never do, it's an interrogation. "How many people are going? Who are they? What are their names? Is it your friends from school? Will their parents be there? How much money are you bringing? How much are you spending? At what time? What are you gonna do? (IM GOING TO THE MALL WHAT DO YOU THINK IM GONNA DO??) How long are you gonna be there? Are you gonna eat anything? Why do you want to go?" It just never ends.

If I'm such a problem for her, why doesn't she disown me? Why doesn't she just remove me from her life? Clearly we both don't like each other. I never wanted to be her son and I don't want to be her responsibility. I don't want to owe her anything. I don't want her to interact with me. Every time she yells I just shut down and put on a blank stare to get her to shut up as quickly as possible. It doesn't matter if she's wrong, I'm not gonna correct her because it'll be worse if I talk back.

I can't feel sad, I can't feel tired, I can't show any kind of emotion in front of her or she'll start screaming angrily about why I'm not allowed to feel that way.

She is the only person I've ever known who is like this. I have never seen or heard anything even remotely similar from any of my friends' parents.

I have been dealing with this bullshit my entire life. You guys are only seeing snippets of it because I'm too exhausted from crying to explain every little thing that has ever happened. It's so much.
.

#

I cannot take this anymore. The berating, the belittling, the constant rage at any minor inconvenience. It's too much. It has affected me horribly and probably in ways I don't even know about. I close myself off to other adults and I'm only able to respond with one-word answers. I even find it difficult to talk to my girlfriend's parents. It's also a lot harder for me to express myself in Spanish since I only speak it with her and she actively prevents me from being vulnerable and showing emotion. I can't.

I have dreams and aspirations like anyone else but every day I just feel like I'll never amount to anything and that the world is closing in on me. I want to get into film but she says it's unrealistic and that I'm gonna starve.

I spend nearly all my time in my room, isolated, eating shit on the internet because it's one of the few things in my life where I feel I'm in full control of what happens. Exit room = deal with angry screaming woman. And I'd rather not. I'll forever be stuck in this endless cycle of being a quiet little dog and doing everything she says to keep her from exploding.

I know this was long, and I'm sorry to whoever had the misfortune of reading this mess of emotions. I'm just not happy or comfortable here. And there is nothing I can do to stop it from becoming worse.

I was scared to post this because I was reading through other people's posts and realized there are so many people who have it worse than me. If no one feels like reading this, then I'm screaming into a void. But at least I'm screaming.

(Please do not mention the suicide hotline or CPS. I don't need or want cops at my house.)

woven sparrow
#

call DCF.

coarse lynx
woven sparrow
#

No. but that sounds like the only way out of that situation as someone who's been in a similar and is living in the same situation. trust me.

#

it will do you better in the long run.

coarse lynx
#

how did it go for u?

#

did u ever call them?

#

i just want to know what the process is like

woven sparrow
#

well first off you need to call them or tell a trusted adult and then they'll go from there. but when that happens you will most likely be asked questions

#

like

#

lots of questions

coarse lynx
#

so id just get interrogated

#

what next

woven sparrow
#

You'll most likely be taken away and placed somewhere else. till you're 18 - 21 and or you're mother can prove that she's able to take care of you and your sister.

#

But.

#

that depends on how you answer the questions.

coarse lynx
#

where is "somewhere else"? a foster home? another family member?

woven sparrow
#

Depends on whats available.

#

since your 16-17 its most likely going to be a group home.

#

or a family member they deem safe.

coarse lynx
#

the group home, do u know what thats like?

woven sparrow
#

Yes.

#

I've lived in many. its pretty decent when you get used to it.

coarse lynx
#

will i get to take my belongings? how will i eat?

#

i have so many questions

woven sparrow
#

Sharps yes. and the rest of your belongings depends on the group home. and again it all depends on where you are

coarse lynx
#

im in florida

woven sparrow
#

again it depends.

coarse lynx
#

is there like a routine or something or can u just chill in a room until they say its time to go
like how does it work

woven sparrow
#

depends

#

everything depends on the group home

coarse lynx
#

what was it like for u

woven sparrow
#

Pretty decent, you just have to know how to act towards the other kids mostly since half the time the staff dint give a fuck

#

I gtg aswell.

#

bye.

coarse lynx
#

alright, bye

coarse lynx
#

thank u, i'll definitely check him out

#

what does cluster B even mean?

#

ohhh okay

#

whats the other two