#Mind dump

515 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

upper gate
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I tend to feel too much, just wish there was a way to let it out or numb it at least a bit.

upper gate
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Feels gud to let it out somewhere, where people might read it pikathumbsup

upper gate
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Late june 2025

Been having some strangely useful dreams lately. I don't know what causes it but it helps.

upper gate
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holy fuck i feel empty

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I really feel like going to the forest its like ill find something important there

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it really hurts...

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My cat is weird

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she likes to sit in the middle of the room on the carpet and judge me with her blank expression

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Writing:

Every sound around me is amplified. Every touch, temperature changes, the way my clothes sit on my shoulders, everything is there. To exist is too much for me. It is extremely overwhelming to just be.

tw: suicidality ||Why is there a need for us humans to not exist sometimes? What makes someone decide when is enough. What is enough? How much more can a human body endure?||

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“What is called a reason for living is also an excellent reason for dying.”
By Albert Camus, written in his book The Myth of Sisyphus, in which he discusses suicidality and death and life and the meaning of life. Poetic guy

upper gate
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I made a good animation im actually proud of

upper gate
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He asked "do you get drunk" I said "yeah but I only do dumb things when I am depressed"

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👺

upper gate
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I am doin gooooood.

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but sometimes i suddenly feel miserable and cant stop crying

upper gate
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I am scared of losing all of this

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I wrote a quote in my real life journal**: "Everything precious is fragile"**

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it really is

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I have been useless this week or two

upper gate
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I don't want to be alone... please stay don't leave me

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I don't want people to change without me
who are you now

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nightmares about you being evil

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don't leave me

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it all hurts

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I hate ur family and I'll probably never tell you that

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they can feed you lies and you'd believe them

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I was never good enough they didn't even try to like me

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suddenly a stranger pops up in their apartment then boom they love her

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because of 1 single difference, she talks and I don't

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one

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if I could talk you know how many stories I could tell

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how I would make them laugh

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you know I have fantasies of me being talkative and social with them and you

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why wasn't I good enough

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why

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i never was

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to them

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to you not anymore

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is there anyone else

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does a human need someone like that?

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I was doing okay... understand that I sacrifice my mental health for you. it's proof of how much I want this to work

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I feel different ever since they said their opinion about me. I feel different about you since then

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maybe the image of you I had in my head finally broke and this is the harsh reality

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It hurts. Please love me I'm begging you all the time

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I am doing my best I want to be there when you need someone

upper gate
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depresija v očeh depresija na obrazu

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the meds might have sucked out a bit of my life

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I am able to make them happy and that makes me happy

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does it matter if I wasn't good enough before?

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does it matter how I feel

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I should be fine but I might cry

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I feel like I'm cosplaying myself

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just. be. happyyyyyyyyyyy

upper gate
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in the end you are alone

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the people you thought were with you

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they won't hear your thoughts

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you won't know theirs

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you can't talk about your problems to anyone

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so you post in a therapy discord server like a fucking loser how pathetic

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in the end you are alone

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by yourself

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no matter what

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and your mind is telling you to ruin yourself

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do I still have myself if I want to end myself

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that's pathetic

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FINE

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TW ||| you are not pathetic and totally not alone. you will not be alone die alone have awesome future. not a drug addict. def not a slt. you are not nothing. let it consume you and give up.JUST KIDDING HAHA that's where you dont belong, to the bottom. do notlet it consume you. not like a leech or a homeless dog. broken and used is what u are not. useless to no one everywhere. theyneed a broken version they dont need the standard. and you are not. you're not their standard so do not give up||

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ugh ffs

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| the worst thing you can do is relax and not fight it. So keep going. Time wont stop just for you. Society is dumb and their ideas are wrong not yours. You deserve to be here even just in spite. Be here and destroy their dumb expectations. Be by yourself for yourself. Live out of anger. Turn bitter and be the worst without apologies. Thats what you are. That is normal. It happens. and it happens to you

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just anger...then misery, then a new day

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like a mind reset I will not think about this tomorrow

upper gate
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I hate all of you and this fuckass place I hate you I hate u

upper gate
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my mind will explode

upper gate
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my health has been declining since my last attempt

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I won't live for that long

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I don't really care that much right now

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nothing is worth it anymore

upper gate
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I ran out of medication

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I'll be coming here a lot this week ig

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I don't feel good enough again

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"why torture yourself and stay with someone who makes you feel that way"

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because they turn normal and act empathetic then suddenly it's all gone

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and it's a cycle

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people disgust me

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I want to hurt myself all the time since I met you. that's what substances are for

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"substances" using safe language rn

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you are alone

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you're alone

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never forget it

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you're alone

upper gate
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I'm tired of this

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my health keeps getting worse

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I'm laughing and then crying and laughing

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I am dizzy I got a headache I'm cold and I get stomach pain whenever I eat

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I'm so lonely

flint thicket
upper gate
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I'm hearing my fucking eyes move and it's so loud I can't sleep

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dumbest reason not to sleep I swear to god

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I learned about DBT and I'll read books about it, hopefully it helps

flint thicket
upper gate
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some guy on Reddit has the same thing and a bunch of people say it's from quitting antidepressants

upper gate
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DBT book: Relationship skills 101 for teens by Sheri Van Dijk

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-stay in the present: the pain of being present is better than the pain of past+present+future

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so think your thoughts but stay focused

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-DBT skill: Opposite action table chart, act the opposite of your emotion if its getting uncontrollable

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-Goals: Outcome, Relationship, Self respect--> when interacting with people you have one of these goals which might be achieved at the cost of other two

upper gate
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  • emotion mind, rational mind, wise mind
upper gate
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-ways of communication: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive
I am a passive person and Im working towards assertiveness

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I got meds yesterday holy shit lifes goood

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Book: The Buddha and the Borderline
references the book: Skills manual for treating BPD a lot, and overall works of Marsha M. Linehan

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apparently you can live with bpd

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the personality disorder is like having exposed nerves

we act faster(and impulsively), we feel more intensely and for a longer time

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feelings are like a curve, it gets triggered somehow, it grows, maximum intensity, then it gets lower again

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when life gets so bad u gotta read self help bookspensivecowboy

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its a very hated disorder. We suck at relationships and controlling our emotions, so any bpd relationship is hard for both sides.
People start to hate because of that, which makes us more isolated, while our biggest fear is being alone. So its a cycle
Breaking the cycle can be done if you learn to control your extreme emotions and being in an environment which doesnt make the healing journey even worse

upper gate
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since I am somewhat stable now I have decided to continue writing

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I am doing a new journaling method where I write everything in my head right before I fall asleep

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I get panic attacks more often

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I am also more anxious especially at night

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I learned a bit about pixel art and got better at animating

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I got premium earplugs for my crazy sound sensitivity

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also I make diy clothes more often now yay

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wait lemme try something

upper gate
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uwu

upper gate
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that was kinda fun so I'll find more of these sometime soon

upper gate
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the character I draw of myself (from above) (NOT ME!!)

download.jpg
upper gate
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now to fill out job applications this enthusiastically...

download_3.jpg
upper gate
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I had a dream that I visited an animal shelter and they let me pet the rats

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I really want a pet rat

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ily rats

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Rat

upper gate
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i didn't cut for 1 year and he ruined it all 🥰

upper gate
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I will visit a shelter

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why the fuck not

halcyon perch
upper gate
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they say what's wrong with you and stop acting like that why are you crying

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is my pain too unbearable for you?

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sorry you have to go through all that I didn't know my suffering bothered you this much

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should I just put a box on my head and cry into it? so that way it can't be seen

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morons

upper gate
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I love DND

download_4.jpg
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I am Zodoh, a useless thief with lucky rolls

upper gate
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I am having an episode again

download_8.jpg
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why do people

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.

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My life split in half

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the other feels like a dream

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this one feels unreal

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but when did it actually go wrong

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I will forever live with the memories

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it will keep going this way

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I cant express in words how confusing it is to be this way

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How much worse will it get

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How does one lose their mind

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Will I forget all my memories

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Or do they merge and become irrational

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Until I forget

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I just wanted not to suffer

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Who do I pray to

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When Im helpless on my own

upper gate
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getting drunk

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I loVE alcohol

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emptiness takel me

upper gate
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getting drunk and high and extremely caffeinated until I get a sudden heart attack

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every day

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I dont waanna feel what I usually feel

upper gate
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welp
TW needle

SPOILER_IMG_20250921_090923.jpg
upper gate
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mental breakdowns

upper gate
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i got weekly therapy and I applied for dbt

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idk what to do

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I keep being emotional and I am ashamed of my suicide attempt

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my mom trusts me less and I feel like I truly have no one

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oh yea and tomorrows my birthday

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last birthday I was ||throwing up in the bathroom because I had chocolate to eat||

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this one I attempted suicide

halcyon perch
halcyon perch
upper gate
halcyon perch
upper gate
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it was a good birthday

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((I got drunk))

halcyon perch
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yayyyyy

upper gate
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The last thing - Lebanon Hanover

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I'm collapsing, breaking down
Silently onto the ground
Above me the azure sky
The last thing I see in my life
A swallow makes a little cry
As I look up for the last time
There won't be a miracle
There's really nothing more to come
And all metaphysical unmasks it'self now
Did we have each other enough?
Did we connect deep enough?
I'm collapsing, just now
Falling without a sound
An orange sunbeam on the rye
The last thing I see in my life
And no one's even bothered
Whether I even worked
Or felt something like happiness
As I lose out on this heart attack
And all metaphysical unmasks it'self now
Did we have each other enough?
Did we connect deep enough?

upper gate
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my skin feels like its on fire and I am anxious for no reason at all

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what the fuck is happening to me

upper gate
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I was walking down the street and some guy said I'm going to hell as he passed me

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💀 that's reassuring

upper gate
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ok I am scared of losing my mind again

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the paranoia is starting

upper gate
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might stay at the hospital for DBT once they find a free place

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it's so hard to objectively talk about my struggles

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they described me as quiet, shy, avoiding eye contact, still cooperative but taking long breaks before answers

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it's just really embarrassing

upper gate
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they took my blood yesterday

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SHE FUCKING PIERCED MY VEIN and then she's like oops let me pull it back a bit

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I got a huge purple bruise today💀

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new piercing dropped 🔥

upper gate
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I drew it. looks cooler irl

20_Bruise_Artistinlove.jpg
halcyon perch
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it looks nicee😍

halcyon perch
upper gate
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tysmm!!!

upper gate
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she was sweet tho so I don't mind, it's just funny

upper gate
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not mine

download.jpg
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fuck ai artists they can go fuck themselves and generate more orange looking teenage girls

upper gate
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that one guy who made a surreal landscape

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more art references (what is this style)

download_3.jpg download_12.jpg download_11.jpg
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what are the borders of art

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is there a limit

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yes and its ai💀 thats when its enough

halcyon perch
halcyon perch
upper gate
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TW: pretty bruise

Art is everywhere. If I'm correct that's the muscle tissue showing through my skin

SPOILER_IMG_20251004_115407-01.jpg
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I might devote my life to medicine I'm not sure. I'm applying for a job at the hospital

upper gate
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depressed af

tidal halo
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are you okay

halcyon perch
upper gate
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its a shit time for me,nothing feels real, I am lazy and I starve myself

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I was too depressed to go out and get drunk today

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Imagine being too depressed to destroy yourselfPeepoLaugh

upper gate
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💀 💀

MY_personality_test.png
tidal halo
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i really think you should speak to a mental health proffesional

upper gate
upper gate
tidal halo
halcyon perch
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in my opinion that test is not tht good... i wouldnt think about it too much🤗

upper gate
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Taking care of my aunts kitty

halcyon perch
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aww soo cuteee

upper gate
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he doesnt even let me go to the bathroom alone

tidal halo
upper gate
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yeah haha

tidal halo
upper gate
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thanks!

upper gate
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I actually applied for a job

tidal halo
upper gate
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Medical🔥 I love the smell of disinfectant

tidal halo
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i get a artsy vibe from you but i can see you being a nurse or doctor

tidal halo
upper gate
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Very lazy sketch

21_mern.jpg
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"Why doesnt our friendship matter?" "Why would it?" "Are you going through something rn?"

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yeah daily

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I know it hurts but I have a deep hole in me which will never be fulfilled and no one can really fill it in

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I will cling to anyone who loves me and when I get no attention I feel alone again

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its a deeper issue

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is it even worth making friends

tidal halo
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i would probably collapse if i don't have my friends with me everyday though😭

tidal halo
halcyon perch
upper gate
upper gate
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maybe one day it will be ok again..

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broskis I got rejected right after applying 💀

tidal halo
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im sure you will find a better job

upper gate
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i can't work like this anyway

halcyon perch
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so maybe its good you didn't get it? 🥺

tidal halo
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yh what if that job was like bad ? anyway theres always a plan im sure it will work out for the better

upper gate
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yeah maybe

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I wish I was dead

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too much pain and no solutions

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even the therapist said I'll be like this all my life

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it really hurts

halcyon perch
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they definitely shouldn't say that

upper gate
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She seems like a good professional therapist unlike the ones I had up till now

halcyon perch
halcyon perch
tidal halo
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ok but they could of worded it differently

upper gate
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It hurts it just hurts

8cf7a69e11d2333174164fba79155f51.png
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I am spiraling every day now

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I couldnt see through my tears

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every day a headache

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I just want drugs

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end this suffering I am miserable

tidal halo
tidal halo
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im really sorry your going through this

halcyon perch
halcyon perch
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you are not alone

upper gate
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it hurts again

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I will take my meds

halcyon perch
upper gate
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if I was a drag queen and I had a bff drag queen

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our stage name would be Gin and Tonic

upper gate
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so I'm dealing with stuff and they doubled my dosis for mood stabilizers

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or I think they're for energy I'm not sure

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I'm starting a mental health journal and another normal journal

upper gate
upper gate
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I didn't wear much makeup today and a pretty girl told me I'm pretty 🥺

halcyon perch
halcyon perch
upper gate
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I like scary stuffz

halcyon perch
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usually me too... but worms 😭 no thank youu

upper gate
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I got my #2 journal per Mail today

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first one is filled out (mostly) and idk I lost interest in it

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also I've been meditating for some reason... it's not like it will change anything

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i don't know

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I don't want to go back and read my journal entries from before

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it used to be normal now I'm not ok

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everything is the most fine it has ever been but not my head

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are years of mental torture catching up to me? does taking a break even do anything..

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I didn't have time to stop and heal I had to keep going with responsibilities

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I got barely any responsibilities right now but even the smallest tasks seem too hard. thinking about them gives me chest pains. IT'S LITERALLY NOTHING BRO why's my body so dramaticccPeepoCoffee

upper gate
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self portrait in progress

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first page of my journal yay

upper gate
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TW weight loss
Holy shit I have been so depressed ||I lost 5kg||

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in like a week or two I think

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Apparently I got some anger issues so my therapist will arrange "therapeutic boxing" for me

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Im glad I dont hit people

halcyon perch
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🫂

upper gate
upper gate
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finished self portrait 🤘

IMG_20251020_195755-01.jpg
halcyon perch
upper gate
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I really want to make experimental videos

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I just don't know where to start

upper gate
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I was able to meditate well today

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but my stress related chest pain annoys me

halcyon perch
upper gate
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i want to die

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it will never change

halcyon perch
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what happened 🥺 do you wanna talk?

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🫂

upper gate
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I am just having crazy mood swings

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its insane that I will have to deal with this until my death

upper gate
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what if something really bad happens and it makes me feel shit? do I just off myself then

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its insane

upper gate
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They will sign me up for daily therapy and I applied for dialectical behavior therapy

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I went to an animal shelter yesterday and pet some cats. They are super needy for pets and attention. When I passed one room I saw a black cat in the middle, staring at my soul

halcyon perch
halcyon perch
upper gate
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I'm noticing positive changes when it comes to self control (with my emotions)

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I still enjoy drinking and drugs and getting hurt but I can see a change in my thought patterns

upper gate
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skipped my meds one day now I feel like I'm losing consciousness every few seconds stuck in a dreamy state with wacky moods

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holy shit these pills are enormous

halcyon perch
halcyon perch
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hope you feel better soon

upper gate
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oh god I feel crazy

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fucking mood swings

upper gate
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UGGGHH

image.png
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I am so damn good at art mfs

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((sketch))

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reference

ref.jpg
upper gate
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||I feel like relapsing||

upper gate
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feeling passed

halcyon perch
upper gate
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First time winning first place in anything, feels nice

halcyon perch
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congrats

upper gate
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thank you:))

halcyon perch
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🥳🥳

upper gate
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vanpire thirst traps boo

SPOILER_Snapchat-592819956.jpg
halcyon perch
upper gate
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Just finished reading
I’m Thinking of Ending Things by Reid

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"philosophical suspense" I think I found my new fave genre

upper gate
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Im really sick of being broke...I must make more art

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I also really want a stable job

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A lot of people ask me to make art for them but no one offers to pay for it. Most of them are my friends so I dont want to "beg" them for money

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I accepted only one free request but its super complex

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Plus the person keeps asking when I am done with itrooCoffee chill bro this is free labour

upper gate
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when I dont feel like shite I am very productive actually

upper gate
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someone pls help

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... what the fuck ..

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I did so much for you and this is what I get

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is that even normal

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when I'm getting sad I'm getting lonely and depressed = manipulation

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this will stay in my head for a while...

halcyon perch
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🫂

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i'm so sorry

halcyon perch
upper gate
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yeah its just so hard to prove that I am suffering to people who mean a lot to me

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Most of them if not all dont even care

halcyon perch
upper gate
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i am not drawing without making a plan first. wtf is this shit

IMG_20251108_222033.jpg
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me when I accidentally fall into dirt and hit my nose

upper gate
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made it cuter

IMG_20251108_225158.jpg
halcyon perch
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i love it! 😍

upper gate
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thanks!!

upper gate
halcyon perch
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aww thats amazing, lets gooo 🥳

upper gate
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thanks

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i dreamt that I hit my head hard and now I have a big bruise on my forehead this entire week

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lowkey losing touch with reality

halcyon perch
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maybe you are sleepwalking? 🥺

upper gate
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probs haha, I also scream at night

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twice today loll

upper gate
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my top love language is gift giving so I just randomly approach people and ask if they need this random thing that might be useful for them

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it's like befriending people in stardew valley

upper gate
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note for self: practice animal anatomy

upper gate
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I got a dream of my dead grandma hunting me and then telling me not to kill myself right before I woke up

halcyon perch
upper gate
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I visited a local witch in my hometown. there's a common practice here and people go to these people to do that practice and get rid of fears

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she did some things I won't describe cause it would be a lot to write and she asked me if I argue with everyone. I didn't get it but she told me that I have a big hole in my heart and she actually seemed concerned about me

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we then talked a bit about my family and all of that and she said empathetically that life is hard and gave me some homework to do at home and after two weeks the anxiety should leave my body

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I am not religious but just her concerned serious face made me believe her. the fact that she asked about my struggles even though she didn't have to.. and everyone in my family has stories how the same practice helped them or their family members

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it could be a placebo effect but whatever it is, if it works then I want it too

upper gate
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I realized something

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I feel numb when I achieve something

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I could find a cure for camcer and feel nothing

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but pain is intense and lasts

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so what is there to live for if not for other people

halcyon perch
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are the things you achieve the things you truly want? 🥺
and even if they are... sometimes you do feel numb... but that doesn't mean that will stay like this forever

jade trellis
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I feel numb when i am supposed to feel pain

upper gate
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idk both suck

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I just wanna have normal feelings like healthy people do

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I broke down at therapy today, couldn't promise I won't try to kms till next time

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when did home become such a terrible place

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why do I keep coming back here

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I stopped journaling in my real life Journal

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is this my way of giving up

upper gate
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damn I got a commission

halcyon perch
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hug im here for you

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you can do it

upper gate
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turns out my mother is sort of a shitty person...towards me (?)

halcyon perch
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🫂 i'm sorry

upper gate
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It takes a while to realise what you experience isnt normal

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yeah whatever I can just use earplugs

halcyon perch
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if you wanna talj about it i'm here🥺

upper gate
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how the fuck is she always embarrassed of me and everything I do

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and shes so vocal about it

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but then again u depend on me and need me near 24/7

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how is my family so damn loud and judgy

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they judge me all the time

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Just say you hate me at this point

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if I am such an embarassment then leave me tf alone

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I hate being around them

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Nobody fucking supports me I have no one I never did

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I dont give a fuck youre old fashioned its not my damn problem ur stuck in 1900s

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and if I ever dare to say anything, god forbid, she tells me "I did everything for u", yea bro u chose to get a child and then u must care for them thats pretty much how it works

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u fed me so I must be your slave or something? I really dont get what that means

upper gate
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someone used my art to make a picture with ai

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and then they proceed to ask me to make a better pic for them

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you can't be srs...

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it's fine they don't understand how important it is

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didn't*

upper gate
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just keep drawing...HAGAGA HAHA AHA AAAAHAAAA

halcyon perch
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🫂 idiots

upper gate
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I keep having intense dreams that feel like I'm pulled into another reality. So many different and reoccurring ones. it's gotten so bad I get very very very very paranoid every night when I feel too sleepy to stay awake but I don't want to sleep because idk what's going to happen. And it's not always nightmares but I don't want to be so freaking active when I'm supposed to be resting. Many sexual dreams as well with random people I don't even find attractive. How the hell do I remember everything. The nightmares are the worst tho but I didn't get any for some time now

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There's always this feeling of fear even in normal dreams and I wake up with my chest sinking and I'm just laying there contemplating life and philosophical bs and random paranoid shit for 30 mins before I actually wake up enough to get out of bed

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My therapist keeps trying to put me in a hospital and idk... what am I supposed to do when I wake up all alone in an unfamiliar place forced to interact with randoms and forced to be active when I'm barely active enough to do basic hygiene. Also my whole family would find out about it and wonder wtf is going on with me and how I fucked up so badly to end up in a hospital (again). But she says it would benefit me and I believe it would but I just really don't want to leave everything behind for so long.

halcyon perch
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hug if hospital doesn't feel right for you don't do it atm 🥺 If you don't feel safe with the decision it might just stress you

halcyon perch
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i'm so proud of you 💕

upper gate
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oh thanks

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I spoke to god in my dream again and questioned the meaning of life while knowing I'm in a dream, wtf : D

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me: I don't have much
it: make use of what you have
me: but I don't have much, it will never be like it was

upper gate
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didn't eat, held my breath for hiccups and fainted LOL

halcyon perch
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nooo🥺🥺

upper gate
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omgg I made a thumbnail for a youtube video and the video became one of the most viewed vids on the channel!!!! (not my channel)

halcyon perch
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😱 wowwww

upper gate
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i wanna hurt myself

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it would be nice to be gone

halcyon perch
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do you wanna talk🥺

upper gate
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noh I wanna disappear

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  • insert gif of homer disappear into a bush
upper gate
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making a new thumbnail today, let's see how well it does

upper gate
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it went super well in just a day

halcyon perch
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aww yayyyy

upper gate
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I'm having a small panic attack and it's hard to breathe and I want to throw up I'm super fucking dizzy too

upper gate
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scared to sleep

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I know whats coming

halcyon perch
upper gate
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omg that's so cool

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and the other one with my editing again got 1k just now sometime

upper gate
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making more thumnails and art and whatnot..

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I was so focused on drawing I didnt give a shit about my health. then got sick which made it hard to draw bruh

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gotta make moneyyys

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maybe not having a job right now is a blessing, I am able to heal and grow my skills

upper gate
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made another thumbnail hahah its funny

upper gate
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got another commission I think

upper gate
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paranoid I hate falling asleep

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why tf do I get these dreams I should be over it all

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also I am atheist why tf do I dream about god and the meaning of life and future x past and whatnot dumbass psychadelic shit

upper gate
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one of my dumbass loser exes is trying to sign into all of my social media accs

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I'm getting emails, texts, all sorts of stuff and ik exactly who it is

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move ooon loser

upper gate
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ran out of meds and I'm getting crazy withdrawal effects

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I'm hella paranoid and it's like everything is against me and I'm against everyone and I have a fever

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and memory loss ofc

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got invited to a concert and maybe I'll be the photographer there with a super duper cool vip pass whatever that means

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but I might need to sleep in a car cause I have no money for a hotel

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hahahaha

halcyon perch
upper gate
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ômgomgogmg my italian friend is cpming to austriaaaaa

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we only met once and it was cool asff

upper gate
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omgggg

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since I started making thumbnails it went from regular 100 views to regular 1k

halcyon perch
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😱

upper gate
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today I fell asleep

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then I woke up and fell asleep in my dream and I woke up and had paranoid thoughts in my dream and fell asleep, in my dream, then woke up and texted people and fell asleep, again in my dream, then woke up and the lights turned on and I had anxiety attacks in my dream and then fell asleep in my dream and repeat that x50 and then finally woke up, couldn't move , scared to sleep, still fell asleep, had the same dreams, got up at 4am and just decided to stay awake until idfk

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that's why I get memory issues

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at what point can I call my mind broken beyond repair

upper gate
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got my meds im normal again, just scared to sleep

upper gate
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thumbnail art 💀

idk_bru.jpg
upper gate
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note for self: study perspectives, study foot + hand anatomy