#Taking Criticism

30 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

rare cloak
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I hadn't socalized much when I was younger. I have become much more social since then, but i still struggle with some aspects of social interaction. One of those struggles is being able to take criticism. When its presented nicely and politely, I am perfectly capable of taking the advice and improving. However, it is far too easy for me to misinterperate leginimate critisism as an attack on my inteligence. I recognize that it is a problem, and I really have been working to improve. But most of my life, I have been formulating and taking my own advise, which isn't always the best. "training alone only reinforces your mistakes" Any advice for learning to be more emotionally aware and less hostile toward criticism? (I promise I will accept your criticism, :))

quiet latch
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Hey. I could relate to two things that you said, not socializing much and not receiving criticism well. I guess these two aspects are tied together. I have noticed that l am more approachable to others, after a social interaction. Smiling and having a little chat before starting the day keeps me cheerful through the day. But TBH, doing it daily is a challenge for me too.
What have you tried on your own? I am eager to learn a few of your tips.

rare cloak
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See, I have a life long friend who is on the spectrum and he loves to argue and banter about things. He is a very objective and reaso able person and is not afraid to point out when I do something wrong, even the tiny, in significant things. He is the perfect foil for my issue and is how I came to knowtice it. My girlfriend's family is simular in that fact. The only thing that has worked out so far is waiting. If someone is criticizing you, make sure to not say anything until two things have happened: one, they have finished their thought. Two, you have taken some time to ask yourself 'do they have a point?' And 'are they telling me this for my own benefit?' Then take some some extra time to think it over. Do not be afraid to communicate that you need time to think on things to the person you are talking to. Open communication is key. And number one thing to never do is speak directly out of emotion. Let your brain properly go over the criticism before responding

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Sometimes though, and the reason I have come here, is that I am not great at following my own advice sometimes. When people start picking at me too much, my waiting and thinking strategy starts to crumble as my frustration clouds my thinking and then I start speaking out of frustration and emotion

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I think I was late to figure this out, because with my friend, gf's family, and other acquaintance, they like 'rage baiting' me because I used to be a lot easier for me to get upset over small criticisms. I have gotten better at relaxing and controlling myself over time. But I still have a long way to go. But yea, the key is to take time, they're is no need to rush talk and defend yourself. Make sure the person you are talking to gives you the time you need to process your thoughts properly.

analog plover
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it really takes courage to reflect so honestly on yourself like this. you've already taken a majoy step, self-awareness is the foundation of meaningful change

You mention that when critism isn't phrased gently, it can feel like an attack on your intelligence. that's a very human response. especialy wehn you've had to rely on yourself for so long, making your own decisions, teaching yourself, navigating life largely solo, critisicm, even if it's constructive, can feel like someone questioning your core

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but here's the thing what you're describing isn't a flaw

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it's a defense

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somewhere aong the way. you learned that being wrong could mean being hurt or judged, so now your mind steps in to protect you

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but the goal here isn't to eliminate that instinct

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it's to soften it to build trust in yourself that you can hear critique without losing your value as a person

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so here's something i would suggest you try

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"pause before reacting" When someoen gives you feedback, even if it stings, take a breath, say to yourself, "this isn't about me being stupid, this is about someone seeing a way i could grow"

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"ask clarifying questions" Sometimes what we think someone said isn't what they actualy meant. "could you explain that a bit more?" can go a long way

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"journal your reactions" if something hit a nerve, write down what was said and how it made you feel, over time, patterns will start to emerge, and that insight?, that's gold for emotional growth

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remember it's okay to feel a sting when someone point something out. that sting doesn't mean you're broken

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it means you care

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let's turn that care inward and give yourself some compassion too.

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you're already doing the work

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i'm proud of that

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keep going yeah?

rare cloak
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I really appreciate that 🙂 Thank you a lot. I will, You too. Take care kind soul.

analog plover
# rare cloak I really appreciate that 🙂 Thank you a lot. I will, You too. Take care kind sou...

I'm really glad my words could bring you even a little bit of peace. you've been carrying a lot, and the fact that you're still here, still reaching out and speaking with care, that says something strong about your heart. healing isn't always loud or fast, sometimes it's just finding one small moment where someone sees you, really sees you, and doesn't walk away;

if ever the weight gets heavy again, you don't have to carry it alone, take your time and be kind to yourself too. even the gentlest light can lead us forward and i believe in yours

analog plover
rare cloak
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Ill keep that in mind, thank you again 🙂

pearl pilot
# rare cloak Sometimes though, and the reason I have come here, is that I am not great at fol...

Everyone already gave wonderful advice and I just wanted to offer my two cents. When it comes to criticism, you can also put yourself in the other person's shoes and wonder why they're even saying that in the first place. A lot of the time, whether it's criticism or praise, people don't really care about what they're saying or how it affects the other person, and most of the time, they exaggerate. For example, I could tell you now that, I dunno, the way you type is annoying (it's not, just an example). Saying this may not mean anything to me and/or I just want a reaction out of you, yet you may see it and quickly take it personally or become frustrated, while simply nodding and dismissing it would save you all that effort. The idea is that well-positioned criticism is definitely a tool to grow, but not all criticism (like rage baiting) is worth even thinking about. You have to assess whether it's important, genuine, or even relevant before even thinking of a response. Your frustration is likely born out of a defense mechanism like the other person mentioned, but the question is what exactly you want to defend against? Your intelligence feels threatened, but why? Do you want the others to see you as intelligent? Do your own perception of your intelligence change based on what others say? You have to reevaluate your thoughts so that criticism itself does not present a threat to you in the first place, and you have to do this by realizing that 1) not all criticism is that significant; people praise too much and criticize too much, exaggerating in both, and they can say just about anything. Detach yourself and your emotions from the other person's words, even if they are meant as an attack. Your intelligence itself stays the same regardless of how it's perceived by others, but getting frustrated will, ironically, make it seem lower. 2) if the criticism is well-founded, this is an opportunity to improve yourself as you already said.

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  1. if your friend's criticism does not actually have a basis or is too insignificant, you can communicate to them to stop doing it. Sometimes it's not even about the criticism itself anymore, it just simply gets annoying, and that's fine. You can tell people they're being annoying and that something they're doing is bothering you. Sometimes criticism is unfounded and it's normal to feel upset over that. What you can control is the way you outwardly react.
    It's great and admirable that you have changed over the course of time and are still taking steps to assess and recognize your potential faults and improve yourself. Not many people even think of doing this. Improvement is always possible, and that's a wonderful thing, so don't stop pushing yourself. You're doing good.
rare cloak
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That makes a lot of sense. Ill give it my all, thank you!

quiet latch
rare cloak