frank ledge Sep 7, 2025, 8:17 AM

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and I wonder who she'd be or was, without all of it.

scarlet spire Sep 7, 2025, 8:18 AM

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do you think you can make her quit it somehow?

frank ledge Sep 7, 2025, 8:18 AM

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I mean, what would her hobbies be? Probably dancing. She loves to do that.

frank ledge Sep 7, 2025, 8:19 AM

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scarlet spire do you think you can make her quit it somehow?

No... Because I'm that way too. We enable each other, I use as well.

scarlet spire Sep 7, 2025, 8:20 AM

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frank ledge No... Because I'm that way too. We enable each other, I use as well.

do you think that it plays a big part in keeping you two connected?

frank ledge Sep 7, 2025, 8:23 AM

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scarlet spire do you think that it plays a big part in keeping you two connected?

||No, but we definitely bond over liking... Substances, doing them, our past experiences on them, how they make us feel. I've had addictions in the past too. However recently I've convinced her to use vapes in exchange for cigarettes. I've also told her to use blow instead of meth. Basically, suggesting lighter addictions to replace the highs.||

scarlet spire Sep 7, 2025, 8:24 AM

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frank ledge ||No, but we definitely bond over liking... Substances, doing them, our past exp...

thats good but try to quit if you wanna see yourselves together in the long run

frank ledge Sep 7, 2025, 8:25 AM

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scarlet spire thats good but try to quit if you wanna see yourselves together in the long run

Damn, that message kinda gives me bad vibes man. Like if that's how you feel, the world's trying to tell me what we are doing is hard to maintain safe enough for both of us to even just stay alive

scarlet spire Sep 7, 2025, 8:27 AM

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frank ledge Damn, that message kinda gives me bad vibes man. Like if that's how you feel, th...

but still i think you also know, that like yk if in the future if you are gonna be serious like get married etc. have kids with her then well i think better thing is to quit, if your not looking for anything serious then sure you can do whatever you like

frank ledge Sep 7, 2025, 8:28 AM

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scarlet spire but still i think you also know, that like yk if in the future if you are gonna ...

I thought the same, if I'd have kids I would stop the drugs completely and not touch them anymore. But I'm far from starting my own family

scarlet spire Sep 7, 2025, 8:30 AM

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frank ledge I thought the same, if I'd have kids I would stop the drugs completely and not t...

if you plan on doing that, you also know that you can't immediately quit right?

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quitting an addiction takes time, especially with the stress while starting a family etc. the responsiblities might cause you to relapse so if you plan on doing that id say take the baby steps from now

frank ledge Sep 7, 2025, 8:34 AM

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I'm not addicted to anything, just nicotine right now

scarlet spire Sep 7, 2025, 8:35 AM

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hmm aight then understandable

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what about your gf?

frank ledge Sep 7, 2025, 2:32 PM

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scarlet spire what about your gf?

She's addicted to cigarettes, and she's been trying to stop smoking by vaping instead

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Far as I know

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It's Sunday, September 8th

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The morning after hanging out with my girlfriend, Raya

#

This is going to be a mature topic, it's about sexual health, if you can read about that maturely then that's what's behind these spoilers.
||Not gonna lie, but uhh... my parts down there feel sore and a bit weak at the moment. It's sorta distracting from my day. May have to take painkillers like an Advil or something. Kinda achy, bladders acting a bit funny too.||

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||My gf sometimes gets carried away in the moment, some moves she'll do too fast or hard and it'll overwhelm my body. I kinda feel that rn. But I'll be alright||

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||It's hard for me to communicate in the moment for her to adjust the tempo because we're in the middle of it, I could barely spit words out of any sort lol|| Having difficulty communicating needs in the bedroom

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Tw sex, talking about a previous experience
Tw for resistance too and having to hold back your partner slightly
||The last time her and I did it, there was so much resistance between us lol. Like I was holding her down to prevent her from going faster. Like she's just going for it, all the energy in the world in that flimsy little 44 year old woman. Had to take my control back||

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||I have to sort of pin her, or pull her around to make sure she isn't hurting me||

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I make my girl happy ngl regardless if she can be a bit wild sometimes
tw sex
||not to flex or anything but I've been making her O multiple times in a night, lol. I haven't as much, probably because she's tryna go a lot faster most of the time. I remember I made her O in like 3 minutes once||

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tw sex lol... I talk about my recent experiences with my gf. it's pretty vulgar and TMI. stuff about my bedroom life
||plus if the girls very wet like soaked, I let her set the tempo ig. if she wants it that bad lol, I almost don't wanna tell er to slow down and treat me gently I mean haha. kinda hot & entertaining to see her that horny and ready, and for her to please herself using me||

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Most of those NSFW spoilers is about how my girlfriend is treating me in bed and it can be a bit rough sometimes yeah but I can handle it, not traumatized or anything

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She's also 44... That's twenty decades older than me. You know how older ladies can be, they take what they want, when they want it, and aren't afraid or shy to

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That woman looks at me like a dinner plate and she licks those off to finish, that's what she told me. I ain't make that sentence up.

frank ledge Sep 7, 2025, 8:18 PM

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ANYWAYS LOL

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THANKS TO SAE FOR THE ADVICE, I APPRECIATE IT

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It's nice to read from people, reminders of how to lead a healthy and happy life/relationships, you know

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It's guiding and motivating, to be better

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It brings my mind to a more mature place too.
To usually be this racy, live fast and die young, persona-ish, it lacks wisdom. Despite its fun.

verbal fern Sep 7, 2025, 10:36 PM

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frank ledge She's also 44... That's twenty decades older than me. You know how older ladies ...

wouldn't that only be two decades? lol

frank ledge Sep 7, 2025, 11:22 PM

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No it's two hundred decades

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Only

verbal fern Sep 8, 2025, 12:20 AM

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ahh right

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that's not too big of a gap ❤️‍🩹

frank ledge Sep 8, 2025, 3:12 AM

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Not gonna lie, I think I'm gonna dislike this girlfriend in the future

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I'll be in my 30s one day... Chugging a beer at a bar with some friends... Looking back at it, talking about this 40 year old woman I dated when I was 21 and how we were kinda unsafe with the sketchy drugs we would do together and that the relationship was just what I had at the moment in my life when I was a little bored and feeling rugged.

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I'll be having a good laugh thinking about her, making sure not to leave out the parts and details of her that aren't the best. If I ever speak to Trina and Jasmine again, they'll remember how wild and risky I lived early on. She'll be a story to tell.

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I'll be thinking about where she is at that time in her life. Maybe stay in touch with her if I could. By the time I'd reach Raya's age, I'll see her when she can't walk up stairs by herself anymore and with more grey hairs than I could count.
I bet she'll look at me with loss, and mourning, of what we had, a bittersweet sourness to her that won't be exactly sound at not having me forever. Watching her grow frailer and grey away faster than I could catch up to.

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I remember telling her,
Yep. This is young me, that you're talking to, and meeting. I'll be different in the next 5 years, decade, after decade. You may not live to see an older me, but you like that.

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I remember the day I made her cry, I told her that no younger guys would ever wanna be with her or love her like I do. Toxic as it sounds, she checks out young guys that seem softer or gentle. Me being a rough patch, she didn't look at much in comparison. Those type of guys don't look at her either.

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Despite her uhh... Illness. Conditions. You know what I'm talking about. She's sensitive and gets her feelings hurt too. The hate she gets from people, everyone of the world, is a deep burning pain of hers.

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That makes me lack a bit of morals around the edges, a bit grey in that area maybe. Any guy this girl is attracted to, has to be, to want her. Like one of those witches from a Halloween movie, that suck the youth out of young kids to stay young. She's like that. One of those.

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Maybe her illness has made me feel like I can be a little mean to her. That showed on that day. But it was just communicating a tougher reality.

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I'm also an adult, not a young kid. I can handle the bitch

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Sorry. That was mean of me to say, and call her.

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But if she looks at any other.. younger guys. Some more tears might fall. Just saying.

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No guys younger than 21. Nope, nope, nope.

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Clearly, I make the cut

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And I draw a line, that cannot be crossed

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I wonder why, this world has placed me into the hands of this older lady. To teach her, what

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What's fantasy and what's non fiction?

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Well that's ironic, coming from me, with a psychotic disorder

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I ended up in Trina's hands for some time... Jasmines for a second or breath or two. And Raya.

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Ahh.. I'll hate to break her heart. Her smile, her eyes, her laugh, the way she looks at me.

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Her condition... ||pedophilia|| is constantly at the back of my head. Dread. But she doesn't deserve to be dead because of it.

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I like how when she has her glasses on, her eyes appear to be this silver grey color through the lens.

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I remember telling her a few weeks into dating that we'll never have kids. Anyone with enough biological knowledge would know how screwed up they'd come out. Probably with a third eye, an 11th finger, or an extra ear.

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She thought I was telling her, that I was infertile

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Like, you wish, lady

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Lol

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Mmm.. not gonna lie, starting to feel bad.

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But uhh... I remember the time her she asked me if I wanted to do it without the condom and I told her no. I brought that up some time after, and she denied asking that at all. So, she lied to my face there. She's a good gaslighter.

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I mean, hell, she's "lied" about some other things.
More like she has said some words, and then denied saying them at all. Convincing me it's untrue, when I know what I heard.

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Like you serious? You think a guy won't remember a gal ask him that? Hilarious

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But.. Rayas very responsible with our sex life. She respects that decision of mine

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Still. It's a little weird. A bit of gaslighting here and there. Or maybe her memory's that poor that she doesn't remember but I doubt it. I'm thinking it's deflection, avoiding confrontation too out of fear of upsetting me

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Ai ai ai lol

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I remember her and I were at a local store buying protection and I said out loudly, "Do you want me to buy you a pregnancy test?" While I was looking at all of them and she almost got mad at me. Pretty funny.

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At the moment I am trying to judge the quality of this relationship of her and I

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I mean... It's working out

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Plus the lady's bone-thin, to the point where there's holes in her skin, I doubt she could carry a kid. A result of her "extra chromosome"

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I mean, you hear people tell jokes about type of shit like that. About missing chromosomes, having too much, but this girls the real deal. I mean, hahaha. She actually has an extra one that makes her taller and thinner than average.

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I bet she could carry a whole freaking cup of water in her collarbones, or some shit.

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God give me the strength to live through this relationship while making me and this girl healthier

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It's in progress. We're getting rid of the cigarette addiction boys, she changed it out for a vape under my persuasion

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I've never seen a girl, this tall before, in my whole life. Makes her intimidating

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Because she towers over most men or are their height

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Like what in the fucking genetic is going on here

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I have not mentioned this yet but now I feel inclined to. Did you guys know that my gf Raya was crosseyed for half her life, she had to get eye surgery for it. Yep.

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She has this picture in her apartment of her at like, 23 years old, and she's crosseyed as hell in it. Like allllrrrighttt.. may need to stay in touch with that fucking surgeon cause I'll make you go crosseyed again

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This woman is the 99th problem in my life

frank ledge Sep 8, 2025, 4:27 AM

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frank ledge I'll be in my 30s one day... Chugging a beer at a bar with some friends... Looki...

and I know I'll still have that same, wild dumbness in my eyes, that I had since I was younger

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She's already nostalgic

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I like how she never really looked at me much, or checked me out, like how she did with other guys at our school, because I was too intimidating, and looked older than her taste

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I can fix her I swear

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This forum post is dirty as fuck, I gotta get out of here, let the air clear LOL

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Vent channels? No, we need some VENTilators in here

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Some lighthearted joking about Raya and her weird ass liking towards younger guys I guess
||Shes been seeking weak prey, like the witch she is, just to come in contact with me. A martial artist years around that's one of the tallest in the school, I sew patches onto my denim and rip my own arm sleeves off, this ain't that vulnerable||

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||All those skinny ass boys she looks at that haven't matured yet. Yeugh. Get you a real man||

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I will stand in front of all of them, better stay within a 10 and a half foot fucking pole of em all

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Those are now like my kids now, and I'll protect them. BACK WOMAN, BACK I SAID

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Yeah not even a regular older man could date a chick like this

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It can be hard honestly, like the mental pressure to watch out for her and keeping in mind this condition

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And if shes grooming me then I'm not feeling the effects of that or facing trauma of it, probably because, I am an adult, and the relationship is legal. That makes me think her and I are somewhat healthy. Everyone needs love, no matter who or what you are, it's just a matter of understanding those problems using empathy and working through them.

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I have morals and they can be very strong at times

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Maybe a guy in their early 20s is what is best for her, it's just enough, but age shouldn't be such a focus here. The conditions complex, the girl is childlike or childish even at her own old age.

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Like she never matured herself

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Fucking stuck permanently at the mentality between a teenager and 25

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Anyways enough of that crap

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It's not just all that she is, you can tell she's lead a shitty life because of this too. Like she doesn't even know what she deserves too, or should desire

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It's mental health matters until y'know, this chick waltz's up

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I remember my first encounter of her ever was at school and she was speaking the shittiest Spanish ever and everyone around her was slowly taking steps away from her in fear of just her demeanor and vibe LOL meanwhile I was stepping over.

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I was trying not to burst out laughing in tears from how bad it was. In a, do you hear this fucking chick? Way. Like actually awful. She was bending her knees, hunched over, trying to appear shorter.

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Yep. I gravitate to the freaks. Freak magnet over here. Whoever makes people run away like human-repellant I just seem to drift towards.

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I remember the words, "I'm 44." Came out of her mouth, like it was a gun firing off or something without permission. Hahaha. Oh man.

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If I could go back in time, I would've let out the biggest, expressionate, "DAAAAYUUUHHHMMMM....." ever in that moment. But I stayed quiet and kept a blank look on my face.

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Yeah, you can't scare me away, not that easily

frank ledge Sep 9, 2025, 4:42 PM

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Tuesday, September 9th
It's 1 PM, and I'm at my college. My class is about to end.

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I keep seeing my ex girlfriend Trina, and she was sitting out in the halls skipping class I presume. Probably related to her bad mental health and low attention span. I still miss her

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I just lied, to get out of class. Told my teacher I had something in my eye to leave

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I remember back when Trina and I just started dating. It was a summer ago. She was quitting a drug, ||coke.|| I'm gonna talk about her visible symptoms of struggling with that addiction. ||She was breathing louder than others, and constantly needed tissues on her. I remember buying boxes of tissues to bring her since she needed them at all times from her nose dripping.|| But I'm glad she stopped using that, she looks a lot better off the drug.

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She was a cool crafty girl. Made me rings, jewelry, art. Honestly, better of a person than my current girlfriend Raya

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She's noticed I've become meaner and more messed up because of Raya, and her influence on me, I've let that happen. I've hurt some good people in my life, and I'm not proud of it

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She's a good girl, more than I thought she was, and she deserves better than me

frank ledge Sep 9, 2025, 7:27 PM

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Anyways Soo I did wanna say something

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That Raya chick we know she's rough around the edges

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But when her and I are sleeping beside each other in her bed

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Sometimes she will grab the back of my hair tightly and go to sleep like that lol

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Like you know when someone grabs your hair and it hurts, as if they're pulling on it

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She'll put me in that position hahaha yeah

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This is NSFW and about sex so prepare for that if you click this and also kinda funny but it's about oral ||I was eating Raya out upside down and I was literally drowning in the position like the amount of spit gathering up at the back of my throat LOL I WAS STRUGGLING TO BREATHE BY THE END OF IT||

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||DROWNING IN PUSY||

frank ledge Sep 9, 2025, 8:17 PM

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I remember when Raya and I were on ||shrooms|| and the thought crossed my mind, of how long our relationship will last. And I'm not entirely sure. Years? Maybe. That's a scary thought, hahaha. I don't wanna be that type of guy, that uses women, and says y'know I'm not doing this for marriage but to use you. What kind of guy would I be? I don't like that. Raya would make sure to let other women that enter my life the same too.

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It's like why am I with this woman if I'm not with her forever? I think about that

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Plus the girl I'm dating is freaky. She ain't the norm, that's for sure.

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I bet once I move to my new school in a couple years I may call it quits.

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This woman had, "KILL4ME" by Marilyn Manson playing on speakers in her apartment one of the first times I walked up in there

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I know when we were off those ||magic shrooms|| it MUST HAVE crossed her mind. Her questioning if I just use women and toss them away, but I'm not like that at all.

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Aghhh...

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This chick is all stuck in my hair lol

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She tells me about how she thinks of me all the time, so I let her know I spend hours writing about her and us in a journal. That being this one

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Fck, my girl is thinking of getting a motorcycle license too

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Soo badddd got my tongue hanging out my mouth

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Such a bad ass

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The thought of my gf on a motorbike makes me drool

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Is this lust idk but it's killing me

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You know many people bring up this Marilyn Manson artist to me, especially at bars, like they connect it to my edgy style or something. And I know the guys odd, and rumored to do bad things

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I've heard, "What music you like, Marilyn Manson?" A lot. Without me saying anything, and honestly, shamefully, I do, love his music

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Much as I also like Alice in Chains

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I could listen to the ENTIRE Pale emperor album on repeat

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I remember when I went to a bar with Jasmine before and a guy asked me that. At first I was like, wtf? Ew, how dare you connect me to that bastard. LOL IN MY OWN HEAD LIKE I DIDNT SAY THAT BUT I THOUGHT IT

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A BIT PUNKY, YEAH. I TYPE WEARING MY DENIM JACKET THATS COVERED IN METAL BAND PATCHES

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Speaking of that... Trina my ex got her own patch jacket that she sewed recently. Copying my drip much. She's cute or whatever
Adult joke
||THIS JACKET HAS MORE CRUST AND DIRT ON IT THAN A FUCKING L.A. STRIPPERS G-STRING||

frank ledge Sep 9, 2025, 8:48 PM

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frank ledge I remember when I went to a bar with Jasmine before and a guy asked me that. At ...

LIKE I DIDNT WANNA ADMIT TO HIM, THAT I DID LISTEN TO HIM, HAHAHA, JUST BC IM STUBBORN LIKE THAT. LIKE WHY U WANNA KNOW? EY? WHAT TYPA PERSON ARE U BUDDY, ASKING ME THAT.

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How does that song go again

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RATHER BE YOUR VICTIMMM THAN BE WITH YOUUU

frank ledge Sep 9, 2025, 10:23 PM

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Soo it's like 6 PM.
I'm thinking of that C girl.
A girl from my past, and I saw someone who looked identical to her at my school. It made me stop in my tracks, I froze for a second. It sent some sort of shock throughout my body, with anxiety to go with it.

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I haven't exactly understood why I have a reaction like that, to this girl. But she brings out a lot in me that no one else really has, and she left my life 3-4 years ago.

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No matter how much I try to meditate, journal, go to therapy, she still affects me.

frank ledge Sep 10, 2025, 12:40 AM

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Fk man

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My gfs morals are seriously concerning

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and it grosses me out not gonna lie and you all know what I'm talking about.

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Like I said, it's in the back of my mind, I'm dreading it. I should bring it up to her.

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I just came back from my martial arts class and it hit me like a brick. Who Rayas attracted to.. yeah. Very young guys. Feeling uncomfortable. Not gonna lie.

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My anxiety is high, right now, and I'm not feeling in the best mental place.

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I don't know but that course of MMA was a fucking punch to the face. I stepped out of there and I was just filled with disgust when my mind wandered to my girlfriend.

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I just can't believe it. The thing she asked me. About involving another... Guy... Into our relationship. I'm like, processing this now.

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With all of my emotions.

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I'm gonna call her up, fuck. I have to calm down first. I should plan what I'm gonna tell her.

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I'm trying to chill.

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It's fucking 9 PM and I bet my girlfriend is dozing off to sleep.

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Hell. My thoughts are feeling disorganized. I have a headache from training kickboxing at the gym. Angry, confused, disappointed.

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My morals... AHHHHH THEYRE BURNING IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. GET ME OUT. AGHHH.. NOOO.... THEYRE TOO STRONG FOR THIS WOMAN...

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MEANWHILE MY GF IS EXPECTING A LOVEY DOVEY PHONE CALL AT 9 PM, SHES GONNA BE GETTING... A REALITY CHECK

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Is her and I's dynamic MANIPULATIVE or what

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THE WOMAN NEEDS THE SHAME AND GUILT. SHE HAS TO FEEL IT. ITS HEALTHY TO.

frank ledge Sep 10, 2025, 2:08 AM

#

Phew

#

Talked to her about it

#

Told her, "You stay away from him." Just like that.
She said, "I will."

#

Over a... 50 minute phone call

#

I brought up morals too, yep. She was very quiet during the call. I can tell she was holding her tongue. Careful, to say what's right, and to say her lines

#

Feeling better, about her relationship with me, Im not gonna say all that I told her on call but I brought everything up. Got it off my chest

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I told her, I'm protective over other people too

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Fucking tense ass phone call man

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Woo

frank ledge Sep 11, 2025, 10:15 PM

#

Thursday, Sept 11

#

It's me again, Jake

#

It's generic, I know, wish my parents had chosen something more creative

#

The current relationship with my girlfriend, Raya, weighs on me. Her and I do risky or dangerous stuff together.

#

Like, ||drugs|| and let's not forget to add, that's illegal, and a crime to have/do

#

I bet my blond ex girlfriend Trina, has a plan to either kill Raya or get my current girlfriend arrested on hand already. /Not joking /I'm serious

#

I've been seeing Trina in the halls of my school recently. Her and I have a similar taste in style. She was wearing her pants chain, and so was I. The jewelry makes noise, swings left and right when you walk, scrapes up and down chairs you sit on.

#

I was staring at her while walking by. Then she noticed, turned her head to me, glance. The air was tense between her and I, sensed some worry in her eyebrows. The eye contact felt intense, and just as she looked back at me I looked away. Something about her, felt meant for me. I'm just not allowed to say that, am I? That's why "felt" is past tense.

#

I wish I could make Trina know just how much I loved her. But I can't. That's just for me to dwell on now, unspoken love. Made her feel like it was one sided when it wasn't.

#

I wish she also knew how much I dislike parts of me, because I can't give her that love anymore. Parts of me are too sick inside, they've gone bad.

#

When her and I looked into each other's eyes it was like her and I were the only people in that entire building. Knowing a girl loves me so deeply like that and I can't take care of her, hurts me.

#

I told Jasmine and her that we'll never talk again. I should be someone that's held to their word. I don't wanna regret saying that/I don't wanna take that back.

#

It burns me inside, to let both those two girls go

#

You know the song by Amy Winehouse,
You know I'm no good...

#

Trinas sister... Saying out loud in class that she doesn't wanna talk to me in front of everyone, rudely, while I was sitting next to her.

#

Soo.. uhh... you're pretty good at drawing baby doll, when are you free ?

#

Just kidding. Lol

#

I'm glad Trina didn't say anything to me when I walked past her, staring

#

Jasmine hasn't been showing up to school at all lately.
Maybe she dropped this semester. I hope she's okay

#

Interesting how Jasmine isn't showing up to school though.. and I have a feeling it's because of me

#

She was a friend of mine, in the past, that I almost had a fling with, I guess

#

I was hoping all three of those girls wouldn't show up at the same time anyway. I would be hiding for my life. Hahaha. Hell.

#

I couldn't see them all in the same area or spot at once. And... the college I go to is not only poor but it's very small in comparison to other ones. It's the cheapest and crappiest one in the district. It also lets in students with expulsions, criminal history, dropouts, those with lesser credits/education and the worst behaviors ever.

#

You guys know those shoes my girlfriend bought me? Yeah, a guy showed up to my class wearing the same exact ones freshly bought. Trendsetturrrrr in the building

#

In my other rant journal with... 4 pink hearts... cough... I talk about being undergraded, retaking a failed class where I'm clearly a lot smarter than everyone else in there, since I've fucking done it already, that shows their school board poor judgment. I also talk about pissing all over their floors in the restroom, just because I can, that's how much of a degenerative asshole I am. Yeah, should've passed me. Now raise that janitors fucking pay

#

That was actually an accident. A happy one. Like Bob Ross says.

#

No wonder I ended up in that fucking school, anyways

#

WE all know about my 2 expulsions from extracurricular acting schools. Next

frank ledge Sep 11, 2025, 10:55 PM

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frank ledge That was actually an accident. A happy one. Like Bob Ross says.

cw gross joke
||I'm hilarious, sorry, ok. LOL, I JUST ZIP MY PANTS UP WHILE THINKING THAT. "I call that a happy accident!" AS I WALTZ OUT OF THERE||

#

Back to my match made in hell,
Raya

#

I'm just gonna say, I haven't been the proudest of myself

#

I think I might be, one of the worst versions of myself at the moment. This woman just brings it out in me

#

and you're all gonna be mad at me, because I'm gonna hang out with Raya. Friday to Sunday. Not just that, but... we're buying ||drugs.|| HEY FROM HERE ON, ADULTS ONLY, MKAY? GET OUTTA HERE KIDS THIS AINT FOR U TO READ. THIS IS BOUT HARD DRUGS. Planned... Drug use
||Andddd that drug I asked to do again, is meth. Yep. Me. Asking for it. I know I'm dumb. So that y'all don't worry, it's pretty clean stuff but it's... Very powerful obviously. I'll also warn people reading this to not do that, I even told Raya I didn't wanna do that in the past because of how intense it was. Leaves your body twitching- I mean so does my gf but- anyway uh, lol, keeps you up for days.
Her and I are deciding when to do it, I mean we're just picking it up but we may wait some weeks before doing it. I'd probably update this journal.||

#

Anyway don't click that spoiler, I'm gross aren't I

#

Don't worry I can wear all of your eyes. But I'll forever be stuck in my own.

#

I don't condone that drug use, alright? Don't do it

#

||Raya and I are using that in moderation. Not addicted to it whatsoever. Experimental, if you will||

#

Raya is a drug herself... Sumthang sinful

#

Yup

#

Cw effects of the hard drug I mentioned above
||Not gonna lie, I have some positive effects from that drug. My mind gets sharper, alert, creative, hyper focused. Don't ignore the consequences above tho||

#

I got some problems on some real shi

#

I do hate parts of myself for choosing ||drugs|| over some genuine people and connections but that's also in a root of addiction, hedonism, a risk taking personality, like I see how this is bad ya

#

Rayuh and tha drugz
||Like that Trina girl would've been hell of a lot healthier for me... Raya puts this shit on your plate and makes your heartbeat synthetically boom out your chest.||

#

Ugh

#

I love her poison

#

How the first time I did it changed me, positively and negatively
||Lowkey after I did that shit for the first time I was blowing all my money away on useless flashy crap. I must've spent thousands of dollars on superficial things and my style changed a bit.||

#

||Like... My style.. changing off drugs. Crazy, eh||

#

||I didn't think it could get any crazier, honestly||

#

Goddd Raya's instability

#

Truly something for me to take into account when deciding when to hang out with her

#

On Wednesday we went to go see each other. Her and I ate some food under the sunset. We watched the entire sun go down. After a talk about her checking out other guys in the past, before that she was driving angrily. Made a guy driving a truck stop completely and get out. She was driving so close to the edge of a road, we could've flown right off.

#

I remember being so stoned because she bought a blunt to smoke with me that day. That I just couldn't say anything. I was like, shit. I could die right now. This chicks crazy.

#

Like damn, is it that serious, that you gotta buy that big ass blunt to go on with our day right now. I remember saying, "you know your girl mad when she buy a blunt like that"

#

Boutta pull up to a fucking car mechanic and ask somebodeh to put a brake in the passengers seat, like fr.

#

The fact that she could possibly get her license revoked and there's a current case court about that ongoing at the moment still just shows, like bitch you not baby driver, SLOW DOWN

#

THIS MY LIFE ON THE LINE

#

And yeah, Raya was mad, very upset, at me talking about her checking other guys out ||and me NOT wanting a threes0me|| nsfw

#

LIKE I CANT DO SHIT BOUT THIS RN I JUST GOTTA LOOK UNPHASED AND ACT COOL, TO MAKE THIS CAR RIDE OUT ALIVE.

#

SHAWTY GOES OVER 150 ON THE DAILY

#

THAT FAST ASS DRIVING GOT ME REMEMBERING HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT AND VALUE MY OWN LIFE LMFAOOO

#

I remember Jasmine complaining about how unsafe, and scared she feels in a car with Raya, and I think she's a bit traumatized from that near car crash we almost got in all together to be honest with you

#

Like girl you got a charge for attempted murder in the past wdym you scared LOL

#

I told Raya, "Don't lose your cool." After she made a whole truck driver pull over after she was screaming at him. I don't know, I need something in this girls mouth while she's driving, I should buy some popsicles to shut her up so she doesn't get both of us killed while driving all aggressively like that

#

Then she turns her head from the window at me with the most sweet calm smile ever after doing that like lmfao I can't

#

Bitch you batshit crazy but I'm here for it

#

It's gonna be okay

#

It's like she wants me to get mad at her and tell her to not do that

#

Ngl my girlfriend's instability is so interesting to me to observe sometimes like some typa' science project

#

She my volcano

#

Like why are you this emotionally dysregulated at 44 years old and that hot young looking too

#

It's a crime

#

Of course u stopping traffic

#

For more reasons than just the gorgeous face

#

I mean of course I study and psychoanalyze my girlfriends that is why this forum exists most of it is done here

#

How did I feel about this, on that day, how do I feel now

#

Lol if she ever causes ANOTHER car crash first line I'm spitting out is "DAYUMMM GIRL, ik your beauty CAUSED THAT"

#

I'm sorry everybody this is a joke ok

#

But yeah my girlfriend's been in a bad mood since I talked to her about that boy she was checking out in the past

#

She get a lil scary, I won't lie

#

She's emotionally dysregulated sometimes, yeah, anger issues, meanwhile I'm emotionally numbed. The combo can balance each other out but it's troubling on both ends

#

She was just scarfing down a whole box of wings after smoking me out till my eyes were red as cherries

frank ledge Sep 12, 2025, 12:11 AM

#

Goddd

#

So disgusted with myself

#

This girl makes me awful

#

And

#

I told my aunt tonight that I was gonna hang out with Raya all weekend

#

This is how the convo went...
It wasn't well

#

My aunt said, "Hangout with Raya again, what is she, your girlfriend? Don't lie to me Jake. That's what it looks like. A girl doesn't just buy you hundred dollars worth of stuff and you spend nights over at her place alone."
I said, "So what if I was?"
My aunt says, "I don't like it. She's way too old for you. I can tell that Raya is not well in the head, you know? She's fucking 44 years old. And tell me why hasn't she gotten a partner already?"
I started to go silent, and look away from her eyes.
My aunt says, "She's unwell, Jake. I can tell just by looking at her. A woman of that age, doesn't just like younger guys like that, it's not normal. SHE'S NOT NORMAL. At 40, it's odd to have the mannerisms and act like somebody, of a lot younger age like she's mentally 15 years old. She's also mentally like a juvenile. It's not normal. I don't like her as your girlfriend. You're getting more and more stuck in this relationship with her. I want you to steer out of this relationship and stop getting closer to her. Don't lead this girl on, and make her think you're gonna marry her or be with her forever or else she can go crazy. You can tell, the girl can snap, and I don't want her to do something like kill you."
I told her, "I'll consider how you feel about her."

#

All whilst that... ahh... I lied about doing my homework and being on top of my schoolwork which is currently undone.

#

She kept on stressing, "Way too old for you."

#

My heart, breaking

#

and I'm thinking, what am I gonna do.

#

Do I call Raya, and tell her this, and on Wednesday she was saying... "now that I know your family accepts me, is this less fun for you?" Pft
She thought

#

I'm wondering what to do, in my own mentally ill brain, and hell I'm thinking, do I lie to my family about her just being a friend now? and still be her boyfriend secretly? Maybe I'll have to

#

The age is an issue to my family, fuck lol

#

I TOLD MY FAMILY THAT HER AND I ARENT HAVING SEX AND THAT SHE WANTS TO WAIT TILL MARRIAGE LMAO

#

So much lying, in this relationship, bad for the heart

#

LIKE WHAT AGE WILL I HAVE TO TURN SO I CAN GET BACK WITH HER PUBLICLY

#

LOL

#

I am EMBARRASSED and I'm feeling a bit TENSE alright

#

I'll have to call her about this tonight

#

My aunt said go out for as long you want but she hates that I'm her boyfriend

#

it's funny how my aunt senses that Raya is unwell in the head just by a quick look at her

#

My aunt also stuck her arm out and measured Raya's height up to where she is lol because the girls so freakishly tall

#

I'm gonna have to fucking make a PB&J and think about this

#

Lilith, aunt btw, said it's bothering her more and more everyday that Raya's my girlfriend and that she wants to go over to her apartment and strangle her

#

Soo... uhhh...

#

I think the conversation went pretty well

#

Thought I'd never hear the end of it

frank ledge Sep 12, 2025, 1:52 AM

#

Sooo

#

I've been on call with Raya for an hour now.

#

At first,
She called me, I didn't pick up, was doing something/busy
I told her give me 15 minutes to call her back.
So I call her back, maybe I spent 5-10 more minutes to do so
She's mad as shit when she picks up the phone, like saying "Jake, you told me you were gonna call me in 15 minutes, it's not that." But she was cussing at me during that and I was like ??? Chill, is it that big of a deal

#

Like the girl nitpicking at the minutes I told her, and counting down every damn second

#

I didn't like that, she seems unstable. I asked her multiple times if she was feeling okay and stable, she said yes

#

And Im doing something bad. Im gonna lie to my family about her being a friend, and my gf is on board with it. This won't age well but it's what my troubled stupid ass has decided to do for the sake of having a good time. If this girl is what having a good time means. I know I'm messed up. Dishonest, a liar.

#

Calmed her down by now, I think

#

This lady and her ||drugs||

#

I talk more about ||drugs|| here
That's your warning
||She said she's picking some more up on Sunday with me. Meth, molly, and ketamine. Pretty hard shit.||

#

Is it romantic how much shit I go through to be with her

#

The ||drug|| bond is real

#

Some of this shit is trauma for other people

#

I don't know how I'm gonna turn out but uhhh let's see

#

Feeling uhhh dumb not gonna lie

#

I am feeling dumb because that shit is dumb to do

#

Again I don't condone or encourage umm

#

Yea I'm making dumb decisions at this point in my life

#

When have I not before in the past

#

I know I shouldn't be doing what I just said above here and you shouldn't either

#

Wish I had sweeter stuff to say in here, not gonna lie

#

I will in the future

#

Because this relationship with Raya ain't the best

#

I mean

#

Fuck as I write that

#

This chick just said she'll rent out a place for me so we can throw my birthday party there

#

LIKE OK

#

THE DECORATIONS UHH THE FOOD SOO WHAT WE DOING FOR IT HAHAHA

#

That's what I mean when I say, Raya can be charming

#

THE MUSIC THE FURNITURE SOOO

#

My ex gf that Trina chick would never offer something like that

#

Older women... Woohoo.

#

Rayas like, wanna travel someday?

#

That's what all women say don't they

#

Yea guys don't mind my 40 year old chick at the party with me lol

#

She's a bigger partier than me believe me

#

She's old but she got moves

frank ledge Sep 12, 2025, 2:47 AM

#

This lady asked for her clothes back

#

Like watch me freeze it in an ice cube like how they did to the mfka that owned Disney so it lives on forever

#

Fucking laminate that shit or put it behind a glass display

#

Like fuck u mean I gotta wash that shit and hand it back to u

#

Look at her asking for her clothes back

frank ledge Sep 12, 2025, 3:35 AM

#

I'm staying over at her place for 3 days

#

Thinking if I should bring some food with me cause food be scarce at that lady's place

#

She got a few pieces of watermelon, a few bananas that I know gone bad in the fridge, and ashwagandha pills as a chaser

#

What am I a man or a mouse

#

I gotta go grocery shopping with this girl

#

Fk please don't let me die this weekend gawd

#

I got lots to live for

#

When I saw this girl swallow some ashwahgawhnda, I thought it was unreal, like no way that actually exists I thought it was a myth ppl joke about

#

Like if u take ashwagandha u are not a real person

#

Old women and their vitamins

#

The actual death of me

#

Like yea I'm here to give you that dose of Vitamin D

#

I'm screaming

#

Sorry anyways

#

The adults get that joke

#

My gf sayinggg if we can't be together then her and I will be FwB instead
||On that 2 hour phone call with Raya she mentioned, "friends with benefits" because I told her my aunt wants me to breakup with her and damn like I see how u see me now. Do I mean that much to yuh?
Colder than ice alla' sudden||

#

||Like wudduyuh mean it's all bout the s e x||

#

I'm still her bf tho

#

Talked her out of that label

#

Sticks tongue out

#

don't u try to love me less

#

u sane rn to make that decision gf

#

love her craziness

balmy forum Sep 12, 2025, 4:27 AM

#

be strong bro

#

if you feel like a relationship is unhealthy

#

please do something about it

verbal fern Sep 12, 2025, 4:42 PM

#

balmy forum please do something about it

i second this

#

do what's best for YOU not her.

frank ledge Sep 13, 2025, 12:13 AM

#

balmy forum please do something about it

Like what.. ?

#

It's Friday Sept 22
At Rayas place again

frank ledge Sep 13, 2025, 1:32 AM

#

She's sleeping, alfuckingready

#

NSFW about sex ||Her and I banged so hard tonight that my leg hurts and I'm limping when I walk||

#

She said her and I are gonna be hanging out less

#

Like ok...

#

She made herself a peanut butter honey sandwich and gave me like half an inch of a bite

#

We srs with that

#

Then crashed into her tiny bed made for 1 person and lights out asleep

#

No I'm not sleeping at fucking 9 PM

#

I gotta stretch ngl lol

#

All those ||drugs|| she's planning to buy on Sunday

#

||When I kneeled on her bed and told her she has to work for what she wants, she gulped so hard|| nsfw context

#

||I pointed out her long swallow||

#

Ye that was funny

#

||Like wow I have an effect on this 40 year old gal don't I||

#

||Idk makes me feel good about myself||

#

Anyway

#

Winky face

#

Other than when she's awake, when she's asleep, I'm bored as shit

#

Like what am I posed to do

#

tw ||cokaine||
||We could either go to sleep or get a bag to keep this night running|| joke about drugs, adults only content

#

and even though I'm tired

#

Her and I ain't even talk about what we're gonna do tmrw

#

Other than ||banging and smoking weed|| 21+

#

I'm getting hungry too and I'm about to scavenge this hoes fridge

#

Snickers

#

Trying to vape and make my appetite go but I'll feel better if I eat

#

Couldn't pack myself something bc I'm always procrastinating and doing stuff the last second, I barely have time to prepare for the next day. Running a tight schedule I guess.

#

What's in there like half a head of lettuce and just condiments

#

||Ngl that sex was fucking great|| NSFW lol my sex life

#

||I got those lower back dimples too so yk the sex slaps||

#

haha

#

I can't even fit on Rayas bed with her in it too

#

She's like, "JAYYYKKKEEUH.. WHY DOWNT YEW SLWEEPH WITH MEEEHHH..."

#

Like I'm half on it, and half off it wdym

#

The urge to steal and use up her vape juice right now

#

Fk am I supposed to do in this boring apartment

#

Mannn she said if I don't stay with her till Sunday she ain't picking those ||drugs|| up

#

||And ngllll id rather be there to see the dealer and what he's selling us||

about drugs, 21+

#

||Raya's dealer that sells her the hardest drugs is crazy. The dealer is homeless and no judgment to where people are at in life, and they got a talent or hobby of "fire breathing." Where somebody drinks a type of liquid, and they start blowing out or exhaling REAL fire. It's kinda cool. But yeah.|| Info bout Raya's plug, cw for ||drug dealing||

#

||They also had these weird ass gadgets, like some mad scientist sh* bruh. I remember saying he reminds me of that, bahaha.|| Cw

#

But anyways uhh I been picking at Rayas food up in her place ngl

#

Hella cold cuts in that fridge

#

I could destroy those in a sitting

#

I'm about to start eating the walls and carpet atp

#

She has "spicy mustard" girl
You nasty LMAO

#

Nuh uh,
Who the hell buy that in this millennia

#

I couldn't

#

Early ahh sleep schedule

#

What can a guy like me and this sleeve of bread slices do all alone at night together

#

I remember like a few weekends ago, ||Raya and I went to the grocery store to pick up some food together and she walked in repeating out loud "Cream cheese and condoms" and I had to tell her to stfu. Like don't say those two in the same sentence I'm sobbing she's so gross|| my girl being nasty low-key light nsfw warning or whtever

#

Funny as hell though

#

I purposefully left some of her clothes she asked for at my house

#

Too bad

#

Gonna have to see me again to get them back

#

muahahaha

#

I've already lost some of her clothing in my room and I have, no intentions to find it

#

I hope I keep that shit lost 💀

#

When she sees me texting on my phone she's like, "WHAT'RE YOU doin? Writing in that diary of yours?" and I laugh

#

Idk what to do cause I didn't bring any weed to her place

#

I regret that

#

I was running late already and had to fly out my place

#

She has some but I'd have to search for it and plus it's her stuff that's something I should probably ask for first

#

Helps with chronic pain

#

My leg is in a lot of pain

#

||After that rodeo show my gf just gave me|| nsfw

#

Alr it's about time I make myself fit on her bed

#

Getting tired

frank ledge Sep 13, 2025, 7:05 PM

#

Sat, Sept 13

#

At Rayas apartment

frank ledge Sep 14, 2025, 12:46 AM

#

What evr

#

Drank wine and smoked a lotta kush

frank ledge Sep 15, 2025, 4:06 AM

#

Hey

#

It's midnight, eastern time
Making it Monday, Sept 15th
The months flying.
Just a day ago, it was Sunday.
I got to see my girlfriend.
I had a good time.
I like when I have someone to myself. Almost like they're mine. For some time.

#

Relationships are static, electric, the women I like to date are eccentric

#

My girlfriend, her name is Raya. She's in her early 40s, aged vibe to her, like wine that's been stocked away since 2017 - that's the last time she had a boyfriend other than me, who started dating her 3-4 months ago.

#

I'm starting to think my girlfriend isn't that crazy. Rude of me to call any girl of that

#

She has her ups and downs, from a different generation/era, she's like a star that's been around before I arrived

#

The weirdest thing yet in our relationship, me having to lie about my age to some crowds at bars/pubs and at parties too. I lie frequently.- Is lying much I do to keep my girlfriend safe a problem?
Would be nice to have second opinions on that, or a crowd of them.

#

But... I don't think Raya has a thing for dating younger guys or anything at her age. I think she's just attracted to them because she has young habits herself, like going to clubs or parties and you see that less in people who are in their 30s-40s.
Party guys. I can tell she likes that. So I'll play that part for her. I fit it well.
I don't think Raya knew the age or was questioning the age of any younger guys when looking at them in a certain way.
Honestly, the least healthier part of our relationship I'd say would be ||drug use.|| But we do that together, and in moderation, look out for each other and make sure it doesn't change us too much. On that note, I found out something that made my care for my girl deepen. I mention a ||drug|| here, ||Raya first started using meth at 13 years old or like she calls it speed/Adderall. I apologized to her. Told her that I'll watch over her, make sure it doesn't take control of us. I can tell this drug she did since a young kid made her live at a more fast and hedonistic lifestyle. Her body's very skinny, sunken in, hollowed to the bone, very boney gal and that's okay. I don't mind me a lil skeleton. But I can tell that's because of a few reasons, Raya's body type, it's a result of her extra chromosome, repetitive drug use, and her working out throughout the decades through dancing and sports.||
For mature context, I talk about my girlfriend and ||drugs her and I have been doing, how they were heavily in|| my girlfriend's upbringing and life.

#

When I started writing about Raya, I'll warn everyone that ||drugs are being involved in our activities. That stuffs very dangerous, tricky, sketchy. I don't recommend it to any of you.||

#

That means, you will read about ||drug use|| here. Oh yeah, and, I've caught onto the younger audience here in this server. So if you're underage, if you're going through some using then this can also give you connection, even though I prefer if minors wouldn't read some spoilers I sent out.

#

I've considered there are also many mods or staff in this server that are teenagers. I'm guessing they keep an eye or watch over all chats that are being sent out here. That's alright, if any of you would wanna know what I have to say is, to never do them or try them. ||Cause' once you do, you could want it all the time. Addictive, expensive, and won't make you happy.
If you use like me and my girlfriend, I suggest supplying yourself with both narcan, and fentanyl testing strips.||

#

Now that's out of the way

#

The last few days have become like a blur for me. I can't remember much of it.

#

Shit, I hope Jasmine doesn't notice my online status being on green right now.
Yeah, she has my discord.

#

So....
Anyway
Back to my gf, Raya

#

She wants longer phone calls with me in the morning. Or for me to make more time for her. I've been trying my best. I told her life gets in the way of relationships.

#

She's been giving me the most soft gentle eye contact ever. It's been making my heart skip beats

#

I wrote Raya some poetry on paper at her apartment, she loved it, I could tell.
She's been so quiet for this weekend, because she was a bit upset on Saturday but I've warmed up to her.
The poetry I wrote is not the same one I just sent into this server, but she read it silently taking the sheet from my hands.
An even symmetrical line of natural blush revealed itself from her cheeks to her nose bridge, straight across, haha.
Yep, I've been catching her blushing at me more often. Because she's taking a pill once everyday, it's called Addyi and it's the female version of Viagra basically.

#

||That's to make someone hornier, by the way.|| Nsfw

#

I saw some of Raya's friends when I went out. Went to a few restaurants.
Tw, ||drugs||
||Her friend looks unwell because of it actually, health problems appear when you do stuff like that.||
||Her and I were meeting up with a dealer, for meth.||
||Our dealer does fire breathing as a performance act, they're nomadic or homeless. I remember mentioning getting food to Raya since she was hungry and our dealer jumped up in excitement, with some hungry ass eyes man, could pay that person with food next time, y'know? Rugged character.||
Not much to say about her friend, honestly, other than her bomb ass style. This isn't the dealer, a different person. That friend low-key, has the same fashion as me, they had some black jeans ripped with holes on the knee, a pair of shoes I literally own in my own size, a nice tee, some jewelry, she had these yellow shades that Johnny Depp looks like he was wearing in the movie, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

#

Like why yo friend wearing my exact style like that

#

Stealing my drip

#

Tw ||drugs|| and ||dealing||
||I remember when Raya was buying from the dealer, she was holding the stuff in her hand and a crowd of cops were walking behind her about 30 meters away.||

#

Anywayzzz....

#

Yeah, this 40 year old woman and her crooks and castles underwear

#

I can feel the wrinkles coming in already ||with all this shit we're putting into our body that doesn't belong there||

#

||You do a drug and all you're thinking is, #YOLO||

#

But anyways

#

Enough of that poison

#

My gf wants to take some of her clothes back because my family ain't that accepting of her

#

Before her clothes was laying around everywhere, over my head, half out the window, used as a blindfold for when I sleep at night

#

What a weekend

#

Just trying to maintain and predict how long we'll have each other

#

We all see why Raya ain't family friendly

#

She was driving us places real safe this weekend

#

It's because I use reverse psychology on her.
She's the worst driver I've ever seen, everyone who's been in her car tells her that, it makes her angry.
So I tell her, she's the best driver ever, and she actually starts driving good. Because she wants to impress me and fit that

#

Hahaha

misty spruce Sep 15, 2025, 3:43 PM

#

Hey @frank ledge I’m looking through your messages and a lot of them break the rules
Like a lot.
NSFW topics are not allowed, especially when you have gone into detail with some.
This a verbal warning, if you continue to post messages like this it will go on your server record.

simple hazel Sep 15, 2025, 5:18 PM

#

sad

hexed marten Sep 15, 2025, 6:59 PM

#

there is a server record????

misty spruce Sep 15, 2025, 8:32 PM

#

hexed marten there is a server record????

Yes, it’s just a way for us on the staff team to keep track of things

crisp forge Sep 15, 2025, 8:45 PM

#

oh wow its about time

frank ledge Sep 16, 2025, 3:30 AM

#

misty spruce Hey <@1248872336912810095> I’m looking through your messages and a *lot* of them...

Ok Gee

frank ledge Sep 19, 2025, 12:25 AM

#

Thursday, September 18th
It's approaching the end of the week
Raya, my 44 year old unstable girlfriend that my family does not accept to be in a relationship with me wants to hang out with me. Not only that but she wants to do dangerous stuff. So we call each other, talk about some risky crap, and she's aggravated as hell. She's all angry, shouting at me, irritable, and it's because of substances. I'm trying to calm her down, it's low-key casually toxic but whatever, I'm laughing in the background not giving a flying hell.

#

I'm feeling BROKEN INSIDE. Being swayed into doing this risky shit that will most definitely delay my wrist injury, mind you, the stuff I'm planning to do is what got me the wrist injury in the first place.

#

AND I HAVE AN EXAM THAT I CARE ABOUT VERY MUCH ON MONDAY. THAT I WANNA BE SANE FOR. BUT WILL I? MMM. PROBABLY NOT.

#

I'm running around like I have no head on. Study this, laundry that, I haven't even shaved yet. Her and I are just a mess right now. And planning to do more crazy BS. Like look, that exam I'm about to do, DECIDES THE NEXT 4-8 MONTHS OF MY FLIPPING LIFE. MONTHS.

#

AND IM GONNA BE... ERRR... NOT OKAY, ON MONDAY, IF I GO OUT WITH RAYA THIS WEEKEND. WHICH IS WHAT MY DUMBASS, WILL DO! TO MAKE HER HAPPY, AND SO THAT I CAN FILL UP THIS DEEP VOID I HAVE INSIDE MY HEART LOL

#

She wants to bring me to this party club or whatever and we're gonna be amped up. If anyone asks how I'm doing, awful. Next tattoo idea: Raya, my biggest Regret.
Right across my neck.
Kidding
Lol, imagine

#

I CANT EVEN BREATHE WITH THIS WOMAN IN MY LIFE. SHE SUFFOCATES ME WITH BAD BEHAVIORS AND SUBSTANCE USE PROBLEMS. I CANT ESCAPE HER. SHES SOOO FREAKING NEEDY.

#

IF I FAIL THAT EXAM ON MONDAY I SWEAR TO GOD

#

I WOULD FLIP, TFQ, OUT.

#

Soo now... I'm thinking, do I just chug a monster energy drink or like a coffee, like hahaha, I gotta get stuff done tonight. Even though I'd much rather sit on my ass and watch Netflix instead.

#

My family doesn't even know that I have plans to go out with Raya for 3 days this weekend.

#

And it's so clear that Raya and I are currently, in an emotional wreck, over the substances her and I did. Like mentally, in a bad place. AND SHE STILL WANTS TO--

#

I fear for... my girlfriend and I's sanity andddd I don't know if... things will take a turn for the worst.

#

I'm gonna have to be... Making sure this 44 year old lady is emotionally stable enough to not drive her and I off a bridge into the Atlantic ocean. Yeah. She gets angry, fast.

#

LIKE HOW MUCH OF A NERD WOULD I BE IF I SAID NOO SORRY CANT DO THAT WITH U BC I HAVE AN EXAM

#

THATS NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON I AM

#

UGHHH

#

AND MEANWHILE IM STUCK JUST RANTING INSTEAD OF GETTING WHAT I NEED TO BE DONE, DONE

#

You know what give me that fucking energy drink

#

IF YOU LOSE YOUR COOOL BABY ILL LOSE MINEEEE

#

And it's starting to become clearer to me that....

#

Her and I are sort of umm toxic at times

#

Like our relationship isn't okay

#

Raya apologized to me, for heading to sleep instead of her forcing herself to stay awake and talk to me

#

It's stuff like that. She perceives that in relationships, you have to be each other's number 1 priority at all times and I'm not like that. Life gets in the way. You gotta take care of your human needs first, before enjoying other people

#

AND THIS CHICK NEGLECT HER BRUSH ROUTINE WHEN IM OVAH LIKE SHAWTY WONDERING WHY IM PULLING AWAY FROM THE KISSES SOMETIMES

#

LIKE YO BREATH HOT GIRL. ALL THAT BREATH, IN MY FACE. WASH THAT.

#

I CAN TASTE WHAT YOU ATE IN THE PAST 3 DAYS, PLEASE, HIT THE FACTORY RESET WITH SOME TOOTHPASTE

#

LIKE I WILL LITERALLY BRUSH THEM FOR U LMFAOO I'M NOT KIDDING

#

CLEAR IT

#

BEST BELIEVE IM BRINGING ALL MY DENTAL CARE TO HER PLACE

#

I GOT FLOSSERS, MOUTHWASH, MY OWN PASTE, EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN

#

And Raya tries to like, scare me into hanging out with her

#

I just give into her schemes

#

because I'm bored and sad inside

#

Like I'm already unhappy and annoyed with my life so why not do this

#

Currently listening to 30H!3

#

Ripping my vape

#

She said gather 10 people to come with us on Friday

#

Like who am I? Pitbull? LOL.. I need more time to gather that amount of people

#

WHO AM I DIPLO

#

GODDDDD

#

I GOTTA CLEAN THIS UGLY MUG UP BY TONIGHT

#

I SWEAR IF I GET ARRESTED WITH THIS GIRL

#

Ngl.. I always had a feeling I'd be arrested one day. You do all this crazy crap all the time and how can you not be. How smooth can you be for decades. When you're constantly doing something you're not supposed to.

#

and if it's happening, it'll be with her

#

Did this chick say she wanted to go to a restaurant with me for my birthday this weekend

#

Shit

#

I gotta look extra nice

frank ledge Sep 19, 2025, 7:08 PM

#

It's Friday, Sept 19
I'm going to hangout with Raya my girlfriend until next Monday or by the end of Sunday.

#

I'm still with her, yeah.

#

Right now I'm at school, and some guy keeps approaching me. I don't know his age, but he's the person who reported my girlfriend to the principal for being a "pedo." There's a couple guys who believe that about her.
He keeps trying to talk to me, asked to use my vape a few times, and stuff. And... I'm also wearing a hoodie that belongs to Raya.

#

He was stepping IN FRONT of me while trying to chat up a few girls that I know.

#

I let him. Like stand where you want, y'know? But does it have to be directly in front of me

#

Later on... I'm in class now, and I get shown some text messages by a friend of mine and his name is James. James shows me, texts of him and this girl.
The girl on the phone being shown was one of our friends, saying that the same guy who reported my girlfriend is flirting with her.
This mentions self harm, tw
||We only pointed that out cause this same guy asked girls if they wanna see his self harm.||

#

I found that weird and wanted to confront him about it but the girl told me not to.

#

My friend circle was like, yeah guy shouldn't be doing that it's gross and he needs mental help like wtv, just don't show our friends that

#

And we're about like 12 people, lol. More guys than girls

#

Like of course this kid who reported my gf to the principal is messed up too

#

But anyway other than that sad stuff

frank ledge Sep 19, 2025, 7:18 PM

#

frank ledge It's __Friday, Sept 19__ I'm going to hangout with Raya my girlfriend until next...

Hope I don't die

#

Think about it sometimes

#

Along with jail too

#

And honestly I care more about dying than going to jail

#

The stepping in front of me was weird, I'm gonna call him out on that next time
Like why are u stepping in front of me like that u fucking narc, do u need to be in the middle of the circle at all times

frank ledge Sep 20, 2025, 1:36 PM

#

Hey

#

It's Saturday, September 20th
I had a long night of 18+ partying on Friday with my girlfriend.

#

Her car started to break down. We had to taxi all over the place.
Raya told me she can't afford to fix her car, and that she'll probably need to buy a new one.
My girlfriend no longer has her own transportation, she said she will have to use buses and other public forms of it in order to go to work and get around.

#

Our weekend funfest was cut short. On Friday we were having coca cola which made us stay up the whole night. Her and I went to a bar and played pool, and other games they offered and we enjoyed ourselves.

#

Until Friday came to an end, we started getting a bit too, 'turnt up' if you know what I mean.
It's fun until it's not.

#

Raya goes almost dead silent for hours when Friday night came to an end, and Saturday started to creep in.
I'd ask her questions, she wouldn't have the answers. "Are you getting your car fixed this weekend?" No response. She hesitated to tell me she didn't have enough money. Then went on to share with me her savings, which, was a bit well over 10k in her account. I felt bad. But at that point in the night, it was about from 1 AM to 7 on Saturday where we laid in awkward silence, and sickness off how much "sugar" we were putting in our bodies.

#

I could tell Raya was really upset, and her and I were dehydrated, breathing hard, in a worried state, and unable to get out of it. I told her I wanted to leave her to take care of these responsibilities instead of spending the rest of the weekend with her.

#

We then called a taxi to go to a mall, where we wrapped up the conversations by, Raya telling me she won't be able to see me in a few weeks estimately, because her car is broken.

#

I told her that we'll stay in touch, and that I'll drive over to her if may need be. But she's a nervous and anxious wreck right now, and I'm at this random ass mall, dehydrated, sleep deprived, hungry, and I'm worried about my girlfriend's mental health for the next few weeks and her job/car situation.

#

I was nauseous at that apartment of hers, but that's blown over. Getting through Saturday morning was rough. I don't have a car I could drive to take myself to my parents place right now.

#

Raya wanted to stay with me until I had somebody drive me elsewhere, I lied and told her they're coming soon. Nobody's coming, actually. I just need some space. In this empty dead ass mall. To think about everything.
I told Raya, see a mechanic or a few, prioritize your job and not me.
You know, I brought up anxious attachment style to her and also object permanence.
The first being having anxiety for being away from a person for too long to where it affects you emotionally, and second being unable to see a relationship with someone anymore because they're not physically in front of you at all times

#

Meanwhile I'm fucking tired, I've done some shit I can't even say in this forum post, sitting on the ground up against a wall next to a vending machine, my bag is full of embarrassing crap I brought to my girlfriend's house

#

This girl reminds me of myself, in the worst way possible. I hate to say it, but how do I not love that part of her and myself? When it needs the most love? The worst parts

#

The bar her and I went to on Friday night was the highlight. Other than her going completely, silent, non verbal, when I was chatting my jaw off telling her about how she needs to fix that damn car soon as possible.

#

The music was mid. I wanted to stay longer than her

#

I remember actually stopping myself from talking every god damn second to lean down and take a good look at her face, and notice she's frozen, in not knowing what to do, not knowing what to tell me, and stuck in her own world/mind.

#

She's been so quiet recently, and I don't know what the hell she's been thinking. And that's honestly the reason why I wanted to leave. I can't help somebody when they've just suddenly gone mute.

#

I just couldn't imagine staying at that chicks apartment for 2 more days, with little to no food, drinking out of water bottles that have missing caps, no days of sleep, y'know I'm getting sick, get me the hell outta here

#

and I already miss her, so much, and before she left the mall she said, "I don't wanna let you go." My eyes started to tear up, and water, as I watched her walk off in the distance and turn a corner.

#

Raya was so upset, constant apologizing, saying she's trying to hold it all together for me, almost crying, and I was trying to read her facial expressions all I could, being given no words, except a little "Sorry" here and there.

#

Sorry for what? Her car is getting old, and shits breaking, not her fault. I thought that silence would last forever.

#

I remember she was sitting on the edge of her bed, with her head tilted down. Not wanting to look at me, or talk to me, so out of it. I had sat down on her floor in front of her, so I could see her from a lower angle whether she wanted to hide her troubles from me or not

#

It was hard to maintain my happy and outgoing mood when my girlfriend looked sad as can be and unresponsive to me. It started to rub off on my mood, and didn't feel right for me to be laughing and cracking jokes when she didn't seem to be in the best mental state. The only sane way for me to be was to also show sadness and that's also compassion.

#

I was having a great time, honestly, and I'm getting almost too comfortable with the lady, I tell her my every thought, and she loves it.

#

My clothes were scattered all over her apartment, she had gotten me new ones that suit me well, it's like I move in with her every weekend. I got my own corners in her small apartment.
I had to gather all my crap and belongings this morning and dip.

#

The dehydration her and I were having after the partying was something else.

#

It was getting hard to breathe and swallow. Yep. Partying.

#

And that long ass taxi her and I took to this mall, was sweating like fucking hell. Like if this taxi don't show up to the place in the next couple mins I'm fainting from overheating up in this bitch. Both backseat windows shut, and meanwhile Raya's wearing like 3 more layers than me, a shirt, a hoodie, AND A VEST, I SAW HER PULLING A SWEAT TOO WITH HER SKIN TURNING ALL GLOSSY AND DEWY.
MEANWHILE IM IN ONE SHIRT, I UNZIP MY HOODIE, IM DYING, I'M TAPPING THE FUCK OUT, THE HEAT WAS UNBAREABLE.

#

Raya was holding her hand out on the seat in between us, and I can tell she wanted me to grab it. Instead I was busy placing my hands on the back of my neck to cool myself down, or else I was seriously gonna fucking lose it.

#

Now I got one of my friends driving over here to this mall I'm in to bring me back to my place

#

I'm like panting deeply each time I go to stand up from sitting on the fucking malls floor, as if I just ran a marathon

#

Plus I'm tired of playing shmexy with my gf with popping my hip out and tilting my head to the side and sticking out my tongue, a guy need some rest 💀

#

A whole circus act

#

Got me feeling like one of those animals jumping through fucking hoops with the flirting I'm doing with a woman that can be my mother's age

#

Not gonna lie I feel like she's gonna break up with me soon for some reason LMFAOO

#

Like why you tell me weeks ago you and I were gonna hangout less, and a few weeks pass suddenly your car's broke and it's a great excuse to not see me every weekend anymore

#

Im suspicious, I am, and what's with all the silence, being hella quiet and timid

#

I remember she told me, "I feel hopeless." When she explained that if she doesn't have a functioning car, she won't be able to go to work and will get fired, then she will lose her pay check and ability to pay for her apartment and other needs

#

And that convo happens during a night of 0 sleep and the awkward suffocating silence of a woman a lot older than you

#

Like uhh hello I'm still with you, we planned to hang for 2 days, what can I do here, this situation is getting hella fucking tight allasudden

#

So now I'm scratching my ass cheek waiting for my friend to pull up and save me from this maze they call a mall

frank ledge Sep 20, 2025, 3:30 PM

#

Yep

#

Made it to my place

#

Like look Raya, my laundry's piling up/all my clothes are dirty because of u, I ain't cook myself a proper meal in days, I'm skipping out on a study binge so that I can pass my boring ass class, I'm turning down job interviews to free up my schedule for u and going just as broke in the process, whatever, y'know, make it work

#

Ngl losing a car, a job, and an apartment is so much fucking worse lmao

#

And hell nah I ain't chipping in to save your car girl you 44 fuq I look like

#

LOL IM SORRY BUT I SIMPLY DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY TO HELP THAT EITHER

#

Instead of buying 21 year old dudes new workout gear maybe u should be saving up

#

And yeah for my birthday Raya got me a ton of MMA training brand clothes

#

I'm honestly worried about the money my gf got in her bank, ngl. Like 10k at 44 years old? Bbygirl

#

What the hell you spending decades of cash on other than club entrees and candy

#

I wish I could save her

#

My pupils are so dilated right now man

frank ledge Sep 20, 2025, 4:10 PM

#

I'm starting to feel like a bad guy because what if I enable her

#

and I sorta do like

#

I remember asking her to do something bad with me... can't say what it is on here. Then she's like, finish what you started, when I hinted at not wanting to do it anymore

#

Some edges of the relationship are toxic ngl

#

And not like, lightly toxic, but very much lol

#

Like the type of stuff others would breakup with her for

#

I've tolerated a lot of BS from this woman already, and her words, every single one of them should be illegal

#

I bet she's getting tired of watching how much of the life she's sucked out of me and my soul already, and is starting to feel guilty

#

I hate how the relationship between Raya and me is just being overpowered by this taking advantage of each other for different purposes and it over clouds how we genuinely relate to each other

#

and no matter how close up I am examining this lady I am unsure of the depths of her insanity

#

Like as someone who has some craziness or illness, I'm often able to measure how insane some people exactly are

#

But with her, who knows

#

Like she's fucking 44 years old, how do I get inside of her head, she's been here for decades more

#

I don't know mannn

#

Relationships risky

#

It ain't normal

#

It's actually insane to me that I get along this well with this sociopath of a woman

#

And it's interesting how my family called out that it's odd how Raya can have the mannerisms of a younger girl

#

How can you act so childlike innocent one second and be a manipulating man-eater the next

#

And why have you never left your 20s no matter how old you get

#

I remember this girl was screaming at me over the phone losing it at the possibility that I could only spend 2 days with her instead of 3

#

Like low-key has attachment problems to me that she doesn't wanna admit or talk about

#

The fact she isn't aware of that makes her manipulative because why you tryna guilt trip me with all that anger on the phone for not spending more time with you

#

That breakup gon be hell and I know it

#

When I think of my girlfriend in depth I feel very sad

#

Sometimes I have to explain basic concepts of like what's dangerous to her

#

Like have you stopped for a second and realize what we are doing is risky to the point where we can like either lose our lives or go to jail and we should probably talk about the possible consequences of our actions and the damages they've already done

#

And it doesn't register for her, for a blink of a second she has some oblivious childish eyes

#

She has that vibe yeah

#

Sometimes

#

My girlfriend's car breaking down... Huh.
You know how I'd always talk about her reckless driving..? Yeah.
Looks like the universe is taking that out of her hands, her getting taxis for us might've been one of the most responsible and mature decisions I've seen yet on her behalf, and that was a last resort that we both hated

#

Like she's being forced to using this alternative by this world

#

I don't know, you do enough bad shit, it catches up to you in some way. You lose stuff.

#

Gotta ask my girlfriend, you never got tired of partying? 44 and still in the clubs and raves
This is, it's not a phase, to an extreme, lifelong extent

#

I don't know if I wanna be like that ngl LMAOO I'm almost 22 and am struggling to survive this woman's lifestyle coming from an athlete

#

Why the fuck did the world place this woman in my hands is the question

#

What if I don't wanna fix her and I want her to destroy me instead

#

JK but not really

#

I'm unsure how to move forwards in the relationship like how do I be a healthy man for this lady

#

Did I mention Raya has a chest tattoo, this whole time

#

I like how the way she walks, she has more of a pep in her step than other people, the walking with the heel-down and sway to the shoulders

#

Yea I can describe people good

#

Not gonna lie,
I have a feeling Rayas gonna break up with me soon, her life seems to be in a mess, I'm struggling to find out how to be good for her in this moment because I've always been troubled in... just.. friendships to begin with. To be there for someone, I guess. No one gave me that, ever, so I don't know how to give it to others.

#

Like umm... Jasmine for example knew how to be a better friend to somebody than me.

#

If you can't even be a good friend to some people, how can you be a good partner?

#

I'm feeling doubtful of this relationship

#

and I know it's bad for me

#

She just texted me, "Are you alright" just now
Like yeah, I can't choose to lose my mind right now

#

God she makes me feel so empty inside... just like how I make myself feel.. so perfect

#

Raya tells me I surprise her all the time, "I'm surprised you've stayed" Really
Why is that
You say that like you know what's wrong with yourself

#

Why is every manipulative thing she's said that I call her out on, she lies about ever saying it LOL

#

Like you are so bad at gaslighting, you just stole the glasses off my face and said you didn't

#

I can feel the crash from here after what I did with Raya on Friday

#

I wonder if I saw myself through Raya's eyes would I be disgusted

#

Not sure

#

Like would I hate, what she loves about me

#

The relationship gets dark as fuck sometimes

#

I've met women who are so much better

#

Who have morals and strong virtues

#

I think that's exactly what Raya lacks

#

How much would this relationship ruin me in 1 years worth of time, I almost don't wanna know and find out

#

I don't know why I don't wanna breakup with her

#

Because I brought some sort of light or joy or excitement to this woman's life that she hasn't had in a very long time

#

It's interesting how Raya said if or when we breakup, I'll find someone right away easily, but she won't find someone ever again. That's how she said it.

#

And it's like yeah because you're old as shit

#

I don't know I get uncomfortable knowing this woman and I resonate with each other on some level

#

Otherwise her and I wouldn't be together

#

Like what is this girl gonna do when I breakup with her.. the last relationship she's been in was in 2017...

#

She counts the months we have been together on her apartment fridge magnet calendar

#

Not gonna lie I have been feeling lonely, in this relationship, the friends I lost because of this girl I chose instead

#

Friends drive me insane anyways so

#

Mental health is feeling shaky ngl I don't think I am ok right now but I planned to not be

#

I am trying to be fine but uhm I'll have to wait for... these feelings to be over

#

I look at Raya putting a bunch of bad shit in her body and I'm like, how can you do this to yourself, you don't even treat yourself like a person, is your brain just a science lab that you can pour whatever chemicals into and see what happens experimentally?

#

This woman makes me sick

#

and her relationship with me is wrong

#

Why do I feel like I love her though

#

How is my psychology changing after dating this girl

#

and it was already screwed up before I met her because how can I lie to my entire family about her just being a friend

#

You know that shocks, the fuck, out of my girlfriend, that I can get away with lying like that

#

and to just bury the truth deep as you possibly can, you're always shoveling more and more dirt on that grave

#

Since I told her my family can't know she's my girlfriend, she's been too quiet lately

#

Like uhh I am a betrayal to my family's intuitions now and no longer aligned with some of their emotions because I do this lying for you

#

and I'm not just some dumbass I know the pain of bad decisions

#

I have had to detach myself to such a degree to even be able to tell that lie

#

When I tell it, I'm not even in my own body, I'm watching myself tell it from a 3rd person perspective as if I'm looking down on myself doing it

#

I don't know is it a, I care about myself and what I want so much more than yours

#

It's a selfish world we live in, HAHAHA
Sorry

#

But yeah
Anyways
Love and hate my girlfriend

#

I disgust myself

#

A long night of partying and no sleep drives anybody crazy

#

Don't look at me like this is natural, something's happening to me, being done to me

#

I don't know why but Friday night has me fucking beat

#

I am not in the best mental space right now, not gonna lie

#

Ever since then my heads been spinning

#

I'm not even used to being at my place on weekends anymore like it's a shift in my routine to not be with Raya LOL

#

Like what am I supposed to do for 2 days

#

I remember just reciprocating quietness to her was a nonverbal cue to let me leave

#

Like yeah girl I don't know I've been speaking for hours now and I have nothing left to say

#

I had a rough night, I'm sorry

#

Just watching that chick pace around her place avoiding confronting all her current issues with me and being unable to talk about them for some reason

#

What am I a mind-reader

#

She just mentally shut down after partying for hours and said nothing. Like are u even aware of how quiet ur being

#

It's stressing me out just to even think about

#

To not know anything about what someone's thinking about, bothers me

#

The tense ass eye contact at the end of the night was making a guy nauseous

#

Her and I were just sitting on her leather sofa from like 3 AM to 7 AM and my vape hadn't left my lips for more than 5 seconds that entire night

#

Idk the hours were SOMETHING LIKE THAT LOL

#

I can't even do anything right now because I'm fucked up

#

I shared my Netflix with Raya let's see what she's watching in a few weeks pass

#

She's probably checking out all the movies I have on my corny ass list

#

"Love on the spectrum" Yea they look like they're on the spectrum
No offence

#

"Love is blind"
(Insert random ass country)

#

"Sex education"
Yuck
Whoever made that is a fucking pervert

#

"Too stupid to handle"
Jersey Shore level braindead of a show

#

I'd honestly rather watch Jersey Shore over all of those
I rest my case

#

and no I don't have any of those on my list

frank ledge Sep 20, 2025, 7:02 PM

#

Why is everyone on too hot to handle actually 2 IQ, the type of dialogue in it is like
"GREEN IS GRASS HAUHUAHHUA"

#

I don't know everyone on that cast sounds airheaded as fuck
Too much Botox
Ok anyways

#

Enough judging Netflixs romance series

#

I need a long island

#

"LOVE NEVER LIES"
Moving on

#

I don't watch those kinds of shows by the way you couldn't pay me

frank ledge Sep 20, 2025, 7:21 PM

#

frank ledge I'd honestly rather watch Jersey Shore over all of those I rest my case

Latino version of trailer park boys LMFAOO

#

I'm sobbing

#

Remember when Snooki was on camera and said, "I don't feel good. I need a therapist, and AA meetings."
Real
Doesn't get more authentic than that

frank ledge Sep 21, 2025, 5:31 AM

#

I miss my girlfriend, who's bad for me.

#

It's hard to distance myself from her, when I care about her

frank ledge Sep 21, 2025, 6:46 AM

#

Sunday, September 21

frank ledge Sep 22, 2025, 1:06 AM

#

It's 9 PM

#

I've been on call with Raya for 10 mins now

#

Do you see how much I typed on Saturday morning

#

But anyway

#

I'm tired, sick like a dog with a dry nose... her and I are ending the call already...

#

That short sleepy night call low-key hit though

#

How can a girl be bad for me but another time sweet

#

I know that I should say no to Raya and drugs she gets, but I don't, because I have issues with recklessness

#

and I'm not gonna be talking about drugs anymore in here, except mentioning the word vaguely because it's against the rules

frank ledge Sep 23, 2025, 11:10 PM

#

Tue, Sept 23
Raya, F44, my girlfriend
I've been sick for 5 days cause of this girl.
and yet, I still want her

frank ledge Sep 24, 2025, 12:17 AM

#

She asked for a phone call tonight, so I gave her one

#

She's noticing how sick I sound, in my voice, like I'm coughing constantly

#

I'm downplaying it but I've been taking days off of responsibilities just to rest and sleep

#

I wasn't honest with her about why I'm sure I'm sick either

#

I've been doing like crap in school, getting nothing done, I'm standing out from the crowd in a bad way, the failing way

#

and honestly I've been losing complete interest in school or feeling like I wanna give up/drop out

#

soon as I got sick on Friday, I could tell what I got wasn't contagious

#

I'm skinnier like it's hard to eat, numbed appetite
but the girl didn't get sick, just me

#

and I've been so sick that it's hard for me to take care of myself, like for example I've been wearing somebody else's clothes from my family instead of mine bc I'm falling behind on doing laundry

#

with the sprained wrist I've got that's also trying to heal, I'm definitely not the healthiest I've ever been rn

frank ledge Sep 24, 2025, 12:34 AM

#

frank ledge I know that I should say no to Raya and drugs she gets, but I don't, because I h...

if ur wondering what I'm sick from, it's that

#

and tbh I've been relying on stuff like I bought myself 2 rockstar energy drinks yesterday

#

they low-key made me able to run errands again for once in 4 days...

#

i'm just a mess right now

#

I haven't had energy to maintain myself in other areas of life just to sleep and make sure I'm still f*king breathing lmao

#

and all I wanna do is make use of my netflix membership and make popcorn

#

that math sh* at school man... the way I'm going... idk if I could even go tmrw the way I'm coughing

#

girlfriends making me sick as a dog

#

like am I really ready to fail the next 4 months of school just cause I'm missing a few days, I'm paranoid abt that, and if I do then isn't that unrealistic how much availability they're asking from me

#

give a guy a break

#

plus my birthday is next sunday

#

woo-hoo I'm ill

#

lol

#

am I ready to pull up tmrw to do pages of math for hours, uhh... I mean sh**, that's hard to do even when I am in a good mood and well

#

plus at school they want u to like, hold back from helping ur needs at all times bc that's like soo adult and professional of u. to not go piss when u need to right away and not get food whenever u want.

#

like idk if.. if I can survive said conditions rn LMAOO while sick

#

like this is not elon musks rocket ship campaign team, this is the shittiest college 40 minutes out

#

I remember my teacher told me that I shouldn't leave class again because I had already left and missed a large part of it, like so what. suck a lemon, I leave however many times I want

#

and when I phone called her to say my wrist was sprained and I was sick she said "plz use the off days to catch up on missing work." if I can't write at school then I can't write at home either

#

like do u mind taking a second to notice ur student that is evidently not doing good and instead of just demanding me to chase after the work pace of everyone else who is completely able and fine

#

god I hate that lady's classroom so much

#

then my other option is to drop the class so that I am extending my graduation time by 4 months

#

whatever

#

I know how long this sickness is lasting is scaring my gf

#

and ngl it's scared me too

#

it's not that easy to stop doing something, especially when it's addictive

#

that includes her
...
lol

#

Raya is her own drug

#

I remember when Raya met my uncle at my aunt's place where my sisters and I live and in comparison she looked like she had gotten picked out of a bar from the 2000s or like a jason derulo music video

#

like this tall skinny janky lil hood rat that I brought home LMFAO

#

like her stature difference

#

and the way she was standing

#

u can tell she was using her street smarts in that conversation with my unc by being careful to not say too much and speaking when spoken to

#

it felt awkward as fuh I won't lie

#

my aunt & uncle: "IT BOTHERS US MORE AND MORE EVERYDAY THAT YOURE WITH THAT WOMAN."

#

like you spoke to her once wdym

#

actually once is enough don't get to know her

#

"BUT YOU CAN STILL SEE HER EVERY WEEKEND."

#

shoo ok

#

we swimming in that either way

#

what's a girlfriend anyway haha

#

and why do I sense some stalker tendencies in my gf Raya

#

like the typa' person to scope u out from afar and follow u or others u know around without permission

#

cause I already know she's criminal and she's tailgated me before

#

like tell me why my aunt come to me today and say, "I think I saw Raya at the store today, I had to tell her excuse me because she was in my way when I was trying to leave. She was having a smoke, it had to be her."
Me and my uncle look at each other, and my uncle goes, "NO, you DID NOT." and walks past, LOL. I deny it too, like him.

#

To know for sure I ask my aunt, "Really? Was she freakishly tall?" and my aunt nodded her head, told me to ask her if she was at the store today

#

AS IF MY UNCLE DOESNT WANT HER INVOLVED OR NEAR MY FAMILY IN ANY WAY HAHAHA

#

HE WAS LIKE GETTING ANNOYED AT THE THOUGHT OF MY AUNT SEEING HER

#

And the part where my aunt said she had to say excuse me to leave? Mm. I don't know how to feel about that, cause why you that close to my family, trying to bump into them to have interactions.
My aunt described her workout uniform spot on too. That was the most suspicious and accurate part.

#

and how the hell do you know where my aunt is... to where you're in her way suddenly.. like huh... yeah. I know she can track people down or whateva. Her job is driving so...

#

I'm thinking it has to be some type of coincidence but ion know. I'm skeptical, because I know this girl has some screws loose for her age. Or else she wouldn't be with me in the way she is, for fun

#

And I ain't just fun, I'm a gem, AIGHT, I could be a keeper, I'm an athlete, I'm a songwriter, a student, I'm this and I'm that. She's said some things in the past before that I shouldn't have tolerated or accepted. But setting boundaries with the girl makes her mind go straight to thinking we're breaking up.

#

LIKE LOOK AT THIS LADY WEASELING HERSELF INTO MY FAMILYS LIVES BEHIND MY BACK LMAO

#

I AINT TALK ENOUGH ABOUT THAT BAR HER AND I TAXI'D TO ON FRIDAY LOL...

#

THE BARTENDERS ASKED FOR BOTH OF OUR IDS, AND THEY JUST RECEIVE M21 AND F44 ALL PUSHED UP ON EACH OTHER

#

I CANT EVEN SHARE HOW I WAS ACTING IN THERE IT WAS TOOO WILD

#

Her and I were supposed to go dancing so I can show her how good I am at shuffling but her car had broken down and I didn't have one to take us

#

That threw a wrench into our plans so we had gone to a bar instead

#

We were gonna go see a handful of DJs with music and crap but couldn't

#

The taxi was expensive as hell to get there like hundreds of dollars and my gf had just broken her car so she needed money to fix that instead

#

As for school I'm fucking cooked man

#

We not passing this semester because the partying too hard

#

Will I ever get to see a better quality college or nicer university? I dunno

#

Crappy grades, crappy girlfriend, crappy health, I'm just trying to get through it all

#

Me and this 44 year old woman is gonna be the death of me

#

Her face is so gorgeous

#

Like beautiful features

#

But you can read some bad intentions in her expressions, ngl

#

Like a sketchy gal...

#

I'm just hoping I don't die at 22 y'know because recently I've been living like these weeks could be my last. Honestly

#

Relationship so risky that she got me thinking about death

#

That school shit so boring oh my goodness I don't know what I'm gon do

#

Who the foq got time to calculate a square that many times bruh

#

The shit mfs do for a good job

#

Me bringing my 4 energy drinks to a 2 hour class

#

I'm about to bring a double cup to class too like some sprite and cough syrup so this teacher really sees how sick I am

#

Jk lol

#

Look at this girl getting me addicted to coffee and energy drinks

#

This woman would buy me both of those every hour when we would hangout I'm not kidding

#

Like you are rewiring my system right now

#

How is my attraction in women gonna change after this is the question

#

Probably not much honestly

#

Trina looking mild in the craziness department in comparison to Raya

#

There is always crazier in the sea and I dive in that creek too often

#

I'm a martial artist I can handle crazy

frank ledge Sep 24, 2025, 2:21 AM

#

frank ledge Trina looking mild in the craziness department in comparison to Raya

Like she's threatened to show up to my place before but has she, no, bluff

#

Makes me question how does she know where I live bc I never told her LOL I'd only show up to hers

#

I can't believe 6'1 brought up marriage to me, 4 months in

#

Wow

#

I remember after her car broke down and we were in her hot ass apartment, I showed her the music artist 3OH!3

#

and the song, "SLUSHIE" by them stood out to her

#

and it's this overly auto tuned abomination

#

LOL but anyways

#

You show that artist to the regular 40 year old and usually they're squinting with their readers glasses on and asking about every 3rd lyric

#

It's like showing an old person a meme, it doesn't immediately register in their mind or make sense to their brain

#

I bet Raya's gonna be 60 one day and still on the dance floor busting moves wearing juicy couture with the faux fur and I kinda love it

frank ledge Sep 25, 2025, 7:50 PM

#

So

#

Don't read the last few things I said I'm embarrassed

#

Moving on

#

It's Thursday Sept 25

#

and... Raya called me, she's my girlfriend if you don't know... 44 years old... years alive in the title

#

Her and I are just gonna go out to a few places for my 22 birthday is all

#

Yeah... real nice, whatever

#

She's not any 40 year old though, she's a sicko
And you find out why in this forum post

#

I was on the phone with er like we usually call 4/5 days of the week, or everyday

#

This is more on like serious note but I told her about how she goes silent or, nonverbal ig
When she's upset she does that

#

I told her to communicate when she's gonna go silent

#

That's all

#

Because that staring at me she does in dead silence in her dark ass apartment at 7 in the morning, I can't do it

#

Like what're you about to do right now, I hate not knowing what people are thinking.

#

You have to communicate in some sort of way even if it's through hand signals/gestures or writing even, anything

#

and it also feels like they're ignoring me when they do that, because they aren't responding to what I'm saying either.

#

The muteness of my crazy ass girlfriend was just sending shocks of worry through me at the time

#

In the way that I also don't trust it, she's sketchy in ways

#

Like you wanna say something before I leave

#

Because I will leave this joint if you're not saying a word to me

#

Even if you can say you can't talk or don't want to

#

Like ok for how long

#

Lol

#

I remember bringing up to her this boy with blue eyes and blonde hair that she was interested in and I got so mad at her for that, we almost broke up. That made her quieter in the relationship too

verbal fern Sep 25, 2025, 8:18 PM

#

frank ledge I bet Raya's gonna be 60 one day and still on the dance floor busting moves wear...

this is killing me 😭

frank ledge Sep 25, 2025, 8:19 PM

#

Her voice still started to pick up after that was spoken about, but she went quieter again out of stress for her car that stopped working, so she couldn't get around anywhere-

frank ledge Sep 25, 2025, 8:20 PM

#

verbal fern this is killing me 😭

It's the truth she's spent her whole life partying

#

and wearing clothing that you see younger girls wearing

#

like you know backless tops? short skirts

#

she never grew past 25 mentally, she tells me

#

my aunt made fun of her, saying she's more like mentally 15
lol

verbal fern Sep 25, 2025, 8:27 PM

#

frank ledge and wearing clothing that you see younger girls wearing

i'm ngl, it sounds like she's just body confident, backless tops and short skirts aren't JUST younger girls clothes, but i mean j get what you're saying

frank ledge Sep 25, 2025, 8:27 PM

#

mean of her to say that

frank ledge Sep 25, 2025, 8:28 PM

#

verbal fern i'm ngl, it sounds like she's just body confident, backless tops and short skirt...

what 40 year olds are rocking backless tops and mini skirts dude

verbal fern Sep 25, 2025, 8:28 PM

#

i meann

#

body positive ones idk😭😭

frank ledge Sep 25, 2025, 8:29 PM

#

we're talking, has grey hairs in the texture mix

verbal fern Sep 25, 2025, 8:29 PM

#

it's more common that ya think, but again i see where you're coming from, more often than jot when 40+ women wear that typa stuff its cuz they never grew up

verbal fern Sep 25, 2025, 8:29 PM

#

frank ledge we're talking, has grey hairs in the texture mix

yeah, maybe thats not that normal then

frank ledge Sep 25, 2025, 8:29 PM

#

there's a way to dress "young" though for women and men

#

like there's such a thing of dressing maturely and then stuff that's flashier and bought by younger audiences

verbal fern Sep 25, 2025, 8:30 PM

#

i can't imagine why someone 40+ would wear that typa stuff 💔💔 it's incredibly uncomfortable

frank ledge Sep 25, 2025, 8:30 PM

#

lmao

verbal fern Sep 25, 2025, 8:30 PM

#

frank ledge like there's such a thing of dressing maturely and then stuff that's flashier an...

fair, fair

frank ledge Sep 28, 2025, 10:11 PM

#

My girl problems, M22

#

Oh... hey

#

We all get older don't we
It's Sunday September 28

#

I've lived 21

#

Yeah the looking my best, and being in top shape era

#

I just came on here to say

#

I love the way my girlfriend uses me

#

and when she takes advantage of me

#

I bet if she heard this she would find it hot, and sad at the same time, either agree with me or try to disprove it's just taking advantage and more than that

#

She recently 'accidentally' hurt me physically let's say when she was giving me a massage to where I had to keep pushing her away and she got mad at me for it. Like "How can I give you this if you keep pushing me away?" Physically... But I had kept telling her to do it softer and she wasn't adjusting to listen to that enough

#

The other times she's touched me orrr put her hands on me, that's some people's body language is physical touch... It's been rougher than what I expect

#

My gf can be a bit abusive around some edges too. My friends agree with that sentence

#

and at times it's made me upset but as I keep getting deeper in love with her I'm adapting to it, in a way

#

It's just how angry she got at me because I didn't want her to continue the massage from how she was hurting me, she was murmuring stuff like "Really? Whatever." Expressing frustration, I guess. I had to leave shortly and then she had a knot in her shoelace when we were getting out the door and pulled out a kitchen knife to try and unknot it. She seemed pretty pissed off and when I went to grab it, she quickly shoved my hands away.

#

And that also means she simply wasn't patient enough to try and touch me more gently, and instead she couldn't touch me like that again for the time being that night... because... it was painful for me

#

For some reason I have a feeling she likes the sight of me also being in pain, and I don't know why, but keeping in mind she's already said and done abusive things. I know that she doesn't care about my health, and that includes whether or not she's hurting me.

#

She likes to... have an effect on me I suppose
I can read my girlfriend, I've been with her for around 5 months now.

#

I allow this treatment because I'm already tougher and can handle those... conditions, I can survive a lot, is what I am saying. I have a high pain tolerance, above the average person

#

She sees that too.

#

If I were to get mad at her like that if the roles were reversed, she would be crying nonstop over it for days, something about that seems double standardish and odd.

#

At that moment she looked a bit selfish, like she wanted to do whatever she wanted with me and didn't really care how I was feeling too. That sucks. But something about it made me feel very desired, or desirable, irresistible I guess, in a toxic way

#

I remember the song blurred lines came on in the background at my girlfriend's apartment, cheeky gal

#

Yeah, Rayas music, anyway.. cough cough

#

But I... love my girlfriend though, even though she's rough around the edges

#

She likes her Marilyn Manson and... Die Antwoord, no one's just perfect. She's my weirdo, and I've handled her for a good few months now

#

My family hates her. Meeting them is off the table. Her mom and stepdad love me.

#

I'm feeling pretty fucked up actually

#

If you'd ask me

#

Naturally and sober

#

Yep

frank ledge Sep 28, 2025, 11:38 PM

#

She makes me get crazy and loud

#

If you'd ask how she affects my personality

#

Meaner

#

The girl trying to undo a knot with a kitchen life was something

#

Like...

#

Fucking really

#

Anyway

#

LOL AS A MARTIAL ARTIST I BE TELLING HER ILL BE GENTLE MEANWHILE SHE MESSING ME UP

#

This is a very weird time in my life right now alright people

frank ledge Sep 28, 2025, 11:45 PM

#

frank ledge I allow this treatment because I'm already tougher and can handle those... condi...

And yeah that's why I can say this and it be a fact

#

Her and I took some pictures at an arcade recently this weekend

#

And the visible, age difference, is... Uh... Haha. Kinda funny.

#

She looks old enough to be my mom

#

That's what Trina my ex girlfriend said to me

#

Like damn girl that ring light showing me all your features

#

Hella definition on that face

#

My aunt just walked into my room right now and saw Rayas bra laying beside me as I was hitting my vape on top of that

#

Wow

#

Feeling very awkward

#

Sorry I just have some of her clothes with me

#

My aunt just backpedaled out of my doorway and said sorry LMFAO

#

AHH I HATE THIS PLACE MY DOOR DOESNT EVEN HAVE A LOCK ON IT

#

and I'm craving an energy drink so I might go drive to get one

frank ledge Sep 28, 2025, 11:56 PM

#

frank ledge She looks old enough to be my mom

This is funny to me but at the same time I literally look like her son when we go places sometimes or people look at me like she's selling me

#

I don't knowww I don't like to mention that too much but yeah. That's what it looks like when you're 22 and the babes 44 years old.

#

I went to a bar or pub with her to eat from Friday to Saturday and a waiter followed me into the men's room, asked me how I'm doing, if that was my first date with my girlfriend (which it wasn't), how long I've been dating her. Asking hella info. I ignored most of his questions.

#

Like mind your business dog, you ask that to every couple that walks in here?

#

Like her and I are uhh, a sketchy pair I guess. Something about us is offput, odd, freaks of nature, unnatural, unlikely, unconventional. People catch notice of us both

#

Just a younger guy and an older gal I suppose

#

Rayas definitely made it to some more bases than Trina was able to

#

So now I'm making a coffee thinking about all the work I've been pushing aside to have young dumb fun instead

#

Thanks for 15 hearts

#

I could write a book on my love life and I haven't lived half of it yet

#

I like how Raya knows that I know she is a toxic partner to have yet I still treat her best as I can treat any woman who isn't

#

Like just because your partner can be toxic at times doesn't give you an excuse to treat them badly out of spite too

#

As if I accept or still love those parts of her lol

#

Broads can manipulate me all they want are u srs

#

Yess cause trouble in my life with your 4 inch heels and janky dress

#

She's such a stranger at her age

#

Like how can I possibly know you? You've been alive for 44 years

#

There's so much I don't know and so much for her to wait to know

#

I imagine people are thinking, "how old is that couple, 30 and 80?"

#

I wonder how at times she looks young but old at the same time

#

Like when I wake up in her bed beside her, the suns contouring her face, she's facing me, suddenly I see her 20s and 30s, someone glossy and beautiful

#

Some grey hairs, but if you look at a few more, they're platinum blonde amongst the many dark brown

#

I've grabbed her face in my hand before and she's cute in the same way a twenty year old lady is

#

Her mannerisms are regressed down to a few decades and I'm unsure if that's a conscious decision of hers or not

#

At times I do wonder how she wouldve looked or aged if she never touched hard substances in life because she's been using those since a teenager and those for sure do change you physically and mentally and can shape your life outcomes

#

I believe she is capable of causing heartbreak in me

#

I get along so well with people who have those problems

#

and it does mean you are screwed up a little to a degree, yeah

#

like my girlfriend here when her and I first started dating would try to get me more drunk than I should be so I'd be more easier going to do stuff that any regular person would be afraid of

#

Until she found out I am normally wild enough to do crazy shit while sober and that I don't need to be intoxicated to make dumb decisions like she does

#

Like oh wow I don't need to get him super drunk in order to do this haha

#

Messed up, I know, but I know that's how her brain works

#

That's the manipulative and abusive side of her

#

But I could choose to take anything I want really it's just a matter of saying yes or no and then dealing with the turmoil after of saying either or

#

We like watching the most dumbass cartoons together like the people who made the shows hoopz, big mouth, human resources, etc. That's all adult humor but directed to younger crowds and she enjoys it, probably to fit in with my era but I see through that it's just another one of her acts to blend in with my youngness

#

Like no way you are 44 and watching that shit. Even I thought I was too old to watch the show big mouth anymore. I thought I outgrew it. Until this lady was like, "LETSSZZ PUT IT AWN..!"

#

I guess shows don't have ages or anything, they're for everyone to enjoy

#

and Raya is kinda my muse I can't lie, with all her craziness

#

There's something slightly badass about her craziness and stupidity too. What's hardcore about me is being a martial artist and for her it's being in the party scene at her age

#

You know how in bars and pubs they play UFC on the TVs? Yep

#

MMA is conventionally cool, in the same way that motorbikes also are

#

Oh like hey that's uhh shit I do on the screen right there

#

And I've mentioned Raya wants a motorbike before but I don't think either of us trust her with that

frank ledge Sep 29, 2025, 12:45 AM

#

frank ledge You know how in bars and pubs they play UFC on the TVs? Yep

See how I connect the two

#

Fuck she's calling me

#

This bat

#

Better answer that soon or else she'll be at my neck for it

#

You don't want my girl mad at you I'll tell you that much

#

She's a loose cannon

#

No remorse in her words

#

An audio clip she just sent me.. "Cen you gimmie a cawll.."

frank ledge Sep 29, 2025, 1:09 AM

#

Anyways

#

Now that that's over

#

Haha

#

I remember spraying my cologne all over her sections of clothing in her bedroom

#

ITS JUST DEAD SILENT IN THAT STANKING LITTLE APARTMENT OF HERS AND ALL YOU HEAR IS, Tschh... Tschhh... Tschhhhh...

#

I REMEMBER SHE GOT HER APARTMENT RIGHT AS I CAME INTO HER LIFE

#

LIKE NICE TIMING

#

I saw her move in all her furniture over time and how she slowly made it her own place

frank ledge Sep 29, 2025, 1:13 AM

#

frank ledge I remember spraying my cologne all over her sections of clothing in her bedroom

SHE CAME IN LIKE A SECOND AFTER I PUT IT AWAY AND SAID, "Smells good in here"

#

LIKE SHE KNEW LMFAO

#

I would've pretended to put it on myself butttt whatever

#

-A SPRAY PAINTING MOTION-

#

Her and I didn't talk much on the call, ngl, just some cooing into each other's ears

#

She bought me hella clothes for my birthday along with some new kicks

#

The brand was generated for martial arts, like sportswear almost, and she bought it off somebody. They're second hand but in great condition, most of it fits like a charm, some of the jackets still have tags on them and they're hundreds of dollars. Raya won't tell me how much that bundle of clothes costed but apparently it was for a lot cheaper than it's original price

#My girl problems, M22

Did I mention Raya has a chest tattoo, this whole time