frank ledge Aug 17, 2025, 4:46 PM

#

Jasmine and Trinity are telling people ALL my business.

#

I bet Trina will kiss and tell in front of everyone about what we did just to embarrass me

#

Like keep that stuff to yourself

#

Boundary breaker, obsessor, possessor

#

Then Raya my predator, the lot of you say

#

My ||methhead|| doll, my favorite

#

Me and Raya are freaking nasty together

#

I remember she was growling at me a bit like unintentionally, like an animal

#

||Before doing me, yeah||

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||In the roughest way possible lmao||

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That was a while ago, the same day she made me that spicy ramen that could kill a jungle

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Raya just woke up now,.peace

frank ledge Aug 17, 2025, 9:23 PM

#

Yep

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5 PM EST

frank ledge Aug 17, 2025, 11:00 PM

#

7 o clock

#

Wow what a wild lady

frank ledge Aug 18, 2025, 1:11 AM

#

Back from her place, uhh...

#

I did a lot of drugs on Saturday

frank ledge Aug 18, 2025, 2:27 AM

#

The end of Sunday

#

This "C" girl

#

So I'm sure you've all heard me chat about this chick before a few times

#

I think she's the one of the only people in the world that knows how screwed up I am

#

She looks at me like something's permanently wrong with me

#

And to be seen that clearly is scary

#

Bitter ends, little to no ties, people laughing at my demise

#

Sometimes I can feel the weight of the world crushing me. Like everyone's judgment of who I am or who they want me to be. It's rebellious to be who you are

#

Makes me wish I can fit everyone's view of me but I can't. I can only be me. Who I was meant to be.

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I haven't really found my crowd in life. I feel lone.

frank ledge Aug 18, 2025, 3:45 AM

#

Raya, my messed up girlfriend
So... This girl does drugs a lot and I do them with her. Trigger warning for that.

||But it was scary to see both of us a bit blue the morning after. Like I could overdose with her.||

#

||I don't wanna die with this girl. She showed me some parts of her body or skin that are corroded from drugs.||

#

TW drugs, nerve damage
||I remember a few weeks after
doing meth going down my calf area, was a long streak of blue. I wondered what the hell it was. My first thought was, is that dirt? I rubbed at it, it didn't go. I was sure it would disappear soon and it did.||

#

||A few weeks pass and I see Raya my girl. She shows me her body, and I see these same.. long.. streaks of blue going down the back of her legs. Except hers... Are permanent.|| Trigger warning for nerve damage, skin discoloration

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||And there was a few seconds where I hit my vape and for a moment I felt like I was gonna faint today. Raya talked about how she nearly faints after doing drugs for days.Thats more signs of an overdose is being unable to remain conscious.||

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||My head tilted back and my eyes went back too and I couldn't breathe for a second there. A SIGN OF AN OVERDOSE IS, SLOWED OR STOPS IN BREATHING||

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||The first batch of coke I did, I bet there was ecstasy in it. Because my jaw was moving side to side for the whole night, then just hanging open for the day after LOL.||

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TRIGGER WARNING

#

MIAMI TO IBIZIA

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Do y'all see how I knew I was probably gonna overdo it this weekend like nervous because I know this chick and how she is already

#

What a crazy

#

Actual trigger warning: Drug binge and signs of overdose mentioned above in the spoilers.

#

Don't read the spoilers if you're even slightly uncomfortable with drugs because it's hardcore stuff. Do not do any of this either. Certified hypocrite, I know.

#

I talk about "uppers" in those spoilers and party drugs.

#

For context purposes, yeah.

#

The drugs I mention here, seriously alter and damage your physical and mental health. Like they impact you badly.

#

Hell. My gfs planning to do this again next weekend.

#

I used to worry about those people who would go to bars and drink every weekend. Now I compare that alcohol use to THIS, and it's... even more dangerous

#

Unfortunately, my girlfriend Raya, drugs come with her other problematic aspects

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It's just like... I've had issues with drug use in the past and even turning to them. Addictive personality even. So I relate to this woman in that way. Except she's so much worse. Because she's influencing me to do this with her and I'm allowing it.

#

I've also had a hard time turning down drugs if they're offered to me. If I'm given something, I'll take it without a doubt.

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||MY NOSE WAS STUCK TO THAT PLATE AT THE END OF THE WEEK LOL|| Cheeky comment about ||coke|| and it's addictiveness

#

||IT DIDNT WANNA LEAVE IT, LIKE A MAGNET||

#

THESE HABITS ARE SOOO BAD YOOO

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||RAYA WENT OUT FOR A CIG AND SUDDENLY I RUSH OVER TO HER BEDROOM TO SNIFF WHATEVER WAS LEFT LOL LIKEE||

#

Man none of this is even funny honestly

#

It's very depressing if anything

frank ledge Aug 18, 2025, 5:02 AM

#

This woman is making me even more of a harder individual like I don't need this in my life really

#

I didn't think I could get any rougher than I already was

#

Like after this girl is out of my life, will this be trauma to me orrrr just experiences I've had, I don't know yet

#

Trina said I need goddamn help or a therapist, she's so disappointed in me like she thinks I barely respect myself

#

I think about how much I'm willing to risk my life for temporary highs or pleasures

#

Other than this...

#

Rayas mentioned wanting a motorbike

#

I don't know if I can trust shawty with one of those, idk

#

Like bby girl you haven't even received notice from the court that you can keep your license after that car crash you just got into haha wdym u want a motorcycle

#

Coo-coo

#

Both her parents have motorbikes and they're pretty badass for that

#

On Sunday there was this hot chick on a motorbike flying by us as Raya and I were standing on the sidewalk and she looked back at me and checked me out, lol

#

Probably because for 1 I'm so tall that buses can decapitate me if they're going too fast and my heads in the roads way

#

For 2, I was wearing a shirt with a skeletal middle finger on it lol

#

Yeah. I own some controversial clothes.

#

I also have a shirt in my closet that says, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I GIVE A F" fill in the rest, LMFAO

#

THAT ENTIRE SENTENCE ACROSS A T-SHIRT

frank ledge Aug 19, 2025, 7:06 AM

#

Tuesday August 19
I chose Raya, a 44 year old lady that uses drugs all the time and is predator, over two friends that were around my age. Named Trina and Jasmine. A crazy obsessive ex girlfriend and an unstable lovestruck girl.
They were nice. More relatable. Around my age. Over an older woman that is accidentally killing me with drugs. I think something's wrong with me, and I don't know what it is, I think I need someone to tell me what's wrong with me.

#

I hurt that Trina girl, emotionally, I was insensitive to her and too cold. I can't help her now. And for Jasmine? I rejected her care for me.

#

I remember the username that goes by, emilie6938 came in here saying I was addicted to danger. I'm like, now what?
I'm probably gonna die, to doing something dangerous.

verbal fern Aug 19, 2025, 10:33 AM

#

get into therapy

frank ledge Aug 20, 2025, 2:48 AM

#

I am, and therapy is annoying. They all tell me different things. One thinks you have this, that, anything under the sun.

#

Soo... Schools gonna be starting up soon. This sketchy trashy college I go to. Just not any one, but one that more so... for people with past wrongdoings. Let's say that.

#

That means more babes will probably be entering my life. Rayas gonna be doing online school, that's what the staff recommended her because of all the drama circulating her.

#

Not the best school ever, no. People don't choose to go there, it's the last place one would wanna be in.

frank ledge Aug 20, 2025, 3:04 AM

#

verbal fern get into therapy

Funny story, I once had a psychologist bring up ADHD to me, and then ASPD. He told me he wants to see me at 18, because that's the only time to get it diagnosed. Hell no. At the moment, my knuckles were bleeding from boxing at home without any wraps cause I was angry. He then started wiping my fists down with dry tissue, that pissed me off. He then went on to say, "Once I slipped and cut my entire shin open, it really wasn't good." Just to test my levels of sympathy and compassion, knowing that, I didn't wanna give him it, being the stubborn son of a gun that I am, I don't remember what I said but it wasn't pleasant, I am what you say I am typa' tude'. I denied both diagnoses. My mother figure loved him. He also almost put me on a watchlist for the local police department after hearing about my habits of vandalism and compulsions to destroy things for fun, threatened to get me arrested even LOL, every ghetto kid growing up did that though. I refused to see him anymore. I was 15 years old.

#

Fun fact, I had a friend and shes schizophrenic too. She went to that same therapist for PTSD and sexual trauma with men. He said very triggering stuff to her, like if she had any sexual thoughts towards him. Which was weird. He's known to be one of the best therapists in the city, with 30+ years of experience under his belt. My aunt liked him a lot because he appeared to be charming and funny to her, I guess, or to every parent that came in with their kids. But all his clients like me and my friend HATED HIM.

#

I also grew up around someone, that has conduct disorder, that diagnosis came later on. My cousin that's in the mental institution, who's probably gonna stay there for years because of how bad his crimes were.

frank ledge Aug 20, 2025, 3:35 AM

#

I then got diagnosed with schizophrenia and asd at around 19-20

#

It's like that guy was setting me up to ruin my life already instead of help me get on a better path

#

But whatever they all say different shit

#

Like wheres the diagnosis for addiction to kitty

#

Anyways moving on

frank ledge Aug 20, 2025, 4:55 AM

#

Sooo

#

It's midnight, Wednesday
I'll be back in school in the next couple weeks.
Forced to coexist with those freaks, Trina and Jasmine.

#

I haven't mentioned like, any guys in this forum. Because I don't have much close friends or whatever. Lone wolf kinda guy. That used to make me a target for being picked on but now it makes me intimidating and sort of unapproachable instead.

#

I try to get along with people at my school but they most of them are weirdos. Projection, whoops. Lol

#

I think I brought up this other girl once.. her name was something like Zaina.

#

Yeah, Zaina

#

Pakistani, short, long hair, dark circles round the eyes, goody two shoes, used to make constant comments about my height, like all the time.

#

Half of our conversation was just, "You're so tall." She would call me annoying pet names that I'd tell her not to call me. A bit cold, I guess. Or maybe just setting boundaries. Her friend group is annoying as shit, and all super good kids or whatever. Not my kinda crowd, sorry not sorry.

#

She would jokingly call me, "Big foot" cringe. Hell no. Cut that shit out. Never call me that again.

#

Her best friend slash guy who has a huge crush on her, was the same person I hit across the face at a public mall in front of dozens of people for saying a mean slur.

#

I punched him in the face out of nowhere right in front of her.

#

Zainas other friend who's a girl named Harper, hated me for that and tries to bump into me ever since then and I dodge her each time with my body language, LMAO

#

You know idiots who say slurs to be funny and edgy and there's always someone whos like, "Someone will beat you up for saying that one day!" Yeah... You should listen to those people, because I'm him, I will do that

#

Oh but Jake violence is never the answer

#

I don't care

#

Plus I don't like that guy, I have another friend who's a girl named Kai. He'd insult her and admitted to using her for her body. Another reason in my books

#

I distanced myself from Zainas friend group since then because I'm too much of a misfit to even fit into it. I remember Harper had a birthday, I swore to her I'd buy her something, and never did. Then told her that me just being her friend is the gift, bit of an asshole move on my part

#

I guess I showed Zaina some jealousy too once upon a time when the guy I punched kept on touching her, caressing her, or whatever. I was like, "everyone thinks you two are in a relationship."

#

Him and I were competing a bit you can say. During class, the teacher put on a movie, I sat beside Zaina, and was feeling up her thigh a lot to see how she would respond

#

Each time, she looked at me and said out loud. "Are you okay?" Like... Yeah? I'm showing affection? And flirting with you? Why would I not be?

#

Like she didn't read my cue properly and was confused about it. Sorta innocent

#

It just called attention to us, and what I was doing, the entire purpose of that was to be subtle and discreet

#

She said I could keep on doing it if I want

#

I did it right in front of the guy that likes her too lol

#

I know that he saw because I was staring right over at him while squeezing her thigh

#

He was sitting next to us

#

But yeah I rejected every outting those people ever invited me to

#

This happened maybe like a year ago or something

#

I know we are all tired of hearing about my gf Raya and how batshit insane she is

#

Uhh this other chick her name is Eva, she's fucking bad, has her hair dyed a darkish red color, is a bit dark around the edges personality wise. One time she said she fantasies about people tripping over stuff and breaking their head over the pavement and that she wants to see that happen. I found that weird of her to say and didn't really like it, because wtf. But I did tell her I know how to trip people because I do martial arts and I could teach her, hahaha. Yeah. She's a very small girl though, doubt she could hurt a fly, like 5'3, probably below 100 pounds.

#

She also told me my voice sounds like what you'd hear in a serial killer documentary. Cool. Because it's so monotone and low.

#

I was like, the serial killer? Or the guy narrating the documentary? She said the narrator.

#

Once she got a boyfriend she avoided me completely, and her bf refused to acknowledge my existence at all. Like excluded me socially, ignored.

#

I remember when I first enrolled into that college I was very shy, timid, and introverted. I refused to speak to anyone. I was walking down the street amongst other students and she noticed I was separating myself from them a bit or purposefully not getting close to anyone, and suddenly she skipped over to me, in like a slight jump, wrapped an arm around my shoulder, and hung off me lol. Like her arms were around my neck and her feet were barely touching the floor. Was kinda cute. I was shocked.

#

Almost got a bit of a crush on her after that. Her touching my shoulder like that made me a lot less tense in public

#

That tiny little thing just coming onto me out of nowhere. When I was trying to be invisible the entire school year and lay low on everyone's radar

#

Would get closer to that girl or try to but honestly, I struggle with socializing entirely

#

Her morals are a bit questionable too LOL but she ain't hurting anyone

#

I know the only reason why she can see me is because she sees herself in me

#

Darker auras and energies yeh

#

She's so small I could fit her in my pocket I bet

#

Kidding

#

What made Jasmine and I such good friends was how screwed up we both were

#

Her and I would blast music about suicide and homicide in her room while smoking weed and I'd write poems about death in front of her hahaha oh man yeah, whatever tickled that girls fancy, I'd be it

#

Her and I were so compatible

#

That shorty Eva sensed the aura from down the street and had to discover it

#

I gotta get that Raya gal out of my life sometime because she's scaring everyone away

#

Many reasons why I gotta leave her

#

We have a dozen parties left to go to and then I'm out

#

The entire relationship is sex and drugs honestly

#

Not my proudest relationship

#

Disgusted by her but still with her

#

Fuck Jasmine and Trina

#

Jasmine is like,
OH JAKE I JUST CANT BE YOUR FRIEND ANYMORE ITS TOO AWKWARD BECAUSE YOU LEAD ON TRINITY

#

Like what the fuck do you mean. Why are you both angry at me because I didn't wanna be with her again.

#

Makes no sense.

#

I know Trina is talking hella shit and I'll have to defend myself from her when I'm back in school. This forum post won't hear the end of it

#

I should squeeze myself into evas social circle some way somehow

#

Ill put some red dye in my own hair, was gonna do that anyways, red hair was a staple of my look in the past

#

I hope she doesn't have a boyfriend anymore

#

That's bad of me to wish upon I know

#

I think Eva is a bit younger than me, like 18-19

#

Any younger and I'm not going for that

#

Like why she copying my signature look with the red hair like that

#

I dead ass popularized red hair single handedly in my city

#

After I abandoned that look and went natural

#

Lemme give a description of Evas bf rq. His name is Judd. Around 5'6, a shorter guy, dark brown hair, large beard, chubby, kinda fat. Nothing wrong with that. He's also like, 24, and she's 18-19 I'm presuming.

#

Which is a bit, eh, y'know, whatever, Trinas 25 and her and I dated for a bit.

frank ledge Aug 20, 2025, 6:31 AM

#

frank ledge I punched him in the face out of nowhere right in front of her.

Yep

#

I need some new pickup lines or something

#

I should tell Raya one to practice,

#

I may need a map because I just got lost in your eyes

#

I'm sorry everyone LMFAOO

#

Y'know like the other term for maps the predator definition

#

Just me being witty, that pickup line has extra layers to it because of who she is

#

Can't wait to bring that chick up to my therapist in a couple years

#

She'll be a story to tell alright

#

You can buy me blueberries and tell me I'm not blue

frank ledge Aug 22, 2025, 5:51 AM

#

Friday, August 22, 2 AM

#

If you're all wondering what these girls would think of this forum post

#

Only Raya knows about it

#

Trina would find it funny and laugh it off, read half of it. Jasmine would be entertained and read a bit but not all, and call me an obsessed asshole.

#

But Raya? Oh man

#

I told her about it

#

She loves it

#

Raya sometimes calls me on my phone, just to ask me to read some of my journal entries out

#

They humor her very much

#

She's shocked and impressed that I write all this down, so I can keep track of it and remember it

#

I'm going to her place this Friday later on in the night. Then to a party on Saturday with her. Hope I survive the girl, hahaha

frank ledge Aug 23, 2025, 3:49 PM

#

Yeah whatever very funny
What happened on Friday Aug 22nd
I went to Rayas parents house for dinner and I underestimated how well id get along with them. I've met them maybe 4 times already before, and they treat me nicely, and make us food if we ask. It was a good experience, and went by smoothly. I was flustered at times and had some beers and red wine with them. They taught me a board game that we played after dinner and I had watched Raya do her laundry

#

It's Saturday August 23, 12 in the morning

#

The suns up

#

I'm on my girlfriend's balcony getting some air, after a night of ||drugs|| and ||sex||

#

Friday to Saturday was nice ||2 condoms and 6 lines each||

#

tw for adult topics

#

yea all those spoilers are about

#

sex and drugs by the way

#

I woke up before she did this morning

#

our choice of poison was ||coke|| this weeknd ||it was pretty clean and pure||

#

||We went to a bar beforehand to get our hands on the stuff.|| The only part of the night I didn't like was Raya ordering me a drink when I told her I didn't want one, and that she shouldn't because she's on prescriptions aka mood stabilizers and shouldn't

#

My brains a bit foggy from my sleep schedule being messy but I'll live

#

I find she just wants me to drink nonstop even when I tell her I don't wanna

#

Like I remember one time back in the past when I hung out with her and Jasmine, I got angry at Raya that was telling us to drink a whole bottle and ended up pouring half of it out over my shoulder in front of her

#

You can tell Jasmine was having a hard time saying no, and feeling pressured to drink it. Not me though. I don't care, don't force me into doing anything I don't wanna do

#

But anyway, a bit hungry

#

This is about sex ||she almost broke the condom while we were going at it and then when we thought it did, we started going harder|| not my most responsible decision

#

They didn't break though so it was alright

#

Feeling a bit insecure about my BO ngl. My girls taking showers here and there and telling me I don't have to get in. Soo, only I have to smell like this? Lol

#

Feeling dirty

#

Gonna try to muster up a breakfast out of this chicks kitchen

#

Her apartment is so humid

frank ledge Aug 23, 2025, 4:16 PM

#

frank ledge Feeling a bit insecure about my BO ngl. My girls taking showers here and there a...

She's all like clean and refreshed meanwhile I still have 2 days of sweat on me
She's telling me not to shower, I'm like ..?? ||fine u weirdo, however dirty as u want it to be||

#

A bit worried that I got Raya pregnant. ||Both condom lasted an hour each||

#

I don't know, during sex ||she said the condom broke and we both didn't stop to check. I remember saying I needed it at the moment lol. Just so crazed
That seemed risky, I don't know if I hallucinated the condom breaking. Either she's gaslighting me or wanted to make me think that in the heat of the moment||

#

||At this moment I don't know if I can trust her, but it's also my fault...
Because if that did actually break, I continued, and would've just been shoving it deeper inside her, just increasing the chances of her getting pregnant by a lot..||

#

That was so wild lol

#

Goddamn

#

I see why girls go on the pill

#

||To avoid shit like that happening||

#

||The girl left some scratches down my back|| nsfw

#

I remember telling my mother figure that Raya's the type of girl to wait until marriage to have sex

#

Like wdym how can you tell we've been doing it

#

I'ma naasty guy I know

#

Guilty as they come

#

||I remember her growling at me a bit while pointing out the scratches down my back she made|| nsfw warning lol sorry had a bit of fun

#

||love when she makes animalistic noises towards me in bed||

#

||yep I've been fucking like an animal and almost got my girl pregnant||

#

so raunchy I know

#

sooo most of those spoilers are about my sex life

#

ur all warned

#

I told you so

#

||stuffs stuck in my head rent free||

#

||she gripped my hair super tightly and would just target my neck||

#

like damn

#

Yea that's like its own drug

#

Love is a drug

#

Her and I are supposed to go to a party today

#

Let's see about that or maybe she will just keep me hostage here couped up in this little apartment of hers who knows

#

Far as spending time with Rayas family goes, I just had the dumbest grin on my face the entire time

#

||Yep.. 2 condoms, a couple hours.||

#

Crazy I'm telling yah

frank ledge Aug 23, 2025, 6:05 PM

#

Told Raya, you have an athlete in your hands

#

Y'know I ain't just some guy wasting away doing nothing with my life

frank ledge Aug 24, 2025, 4:11 AM

#

I'm up all night laughing about this

#

Thinking about what I'm doing with this girl twice my age

#

This is all so bad

#

Sorry

#

Yikes

#

No cleaning that up

#

I'm not rereading those

#

Wonder where all 11 of the heart reactions are at in this journal because there's thousands of words

#

It's currently at 11 hearts

#

Yep

#

I've been going to her place from Friday to Sunday for the past few weekends. "Raya."

frank ledge Aug 24, 2025, 4:45 AM

#

I'm still at her place

#

Unable to sleep

#

Times passing by so slow. We were doing ||blow all night|| tw drugs

#

And this girls taking up like the whole bed

#

I can't fit on there and I ain't moving her

#

So I've been chilling on her couch

#

I'm tired as hell and can't seem to get comfortable to rest

#

After smoking weed by myself on her balcony an hour ago at midnight

#

To get some things off my mind

#

Wow crazy night,

#

Nights

#

Almost dropping my phone on my face here

#

Uhh

#

My gf said she wants to sleep so I let her do what she needs to feel a hundred

#

I'm not gonna shake her or wake her up even if I can't sleep

#

Gonna try to

normal edge Aug 24, 2025, 3:18 PM

#

frank ledge ||love when she makes animalistic noises towards me in bed||

💀 huh

latent schooner Aug 24, 2025, 6:21 PM

#

This is insane how long you were writing for

#

If a girlfriend has made you rant this long I dont think its working out too well

verbal fern Aug 24, 2025, 9:00 PM

#

yea there's no saving this guy anymore

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 12:58 AM

#

I DONT WANNA BE SAVED HAHAHA

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 4:01 AM

#

Alright so
The next day, Monday Aug 25

#

What we did on Sunday was the same as Saturday

#

Thanks for the 12 hearts this is my love life

#

Wow what a wild comment above this update uhh

#

Journals are also not just a place to rant/vent, but they are to keep track of your days and what you did

#

It reminds you of what happened recently and you can connect dots and timelines

#

My gf, a problem of hers right now is her medication.

#

She can't seem to find one with her doctor that will work for her

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 4:09 AM

#

frank ledge I DONT WANNA BE SAVED HAHAHA

I would delete that but it's funny that was my first reaction

#

Like I didn't think much while sending it

#

Some of us are tired of thinking and don't want to think much

#

Ok anyways

#

My girlfriend Raya, an older gal, yeah. She was on mood stabilizers for a while, she was taking methylphenidate, and now she isn't because it was giving her bad physical health.
I said in this forum a bit ago that Raya had gotten into a car crash, and was arrested, because she had stopped taking methylphenidate causing her to be less stable and while being pulled over she had a panic attack.

#

She had also recently done ||methamphetamines|| instead. Tw for drugs

#

Being the, wild, adventurous, uhh... crazy ladey she is

#

Soo that medication doesn't work for her anymore. She was now put on Abilify. When she was driving when we were running errands, she said she started hallucinating things on the road.

#

And that Abilify makes her have psychosis and even more unwell. So she stops taking the Abilify too.

#

She takes medication for emotional regulation, to stop impulsiveness, and to help with anger issues she'd have. Which are pretty bad.

#

An example of Raya's anger issues recently was... Us again running errands. She was driving. The car was parked and we're sitting in her car, a guy starts reversing and almost hit us, and Raya suddenly pulls out the parking lot at fucking top speed, I'm talking like 0-100 and makes a very fast turn. She boots the pedal, and a father and a daughter come out of nowhere on skateboards, she almost runs them over. I'm talking half a metre of distance from her car, hitting a kid and a dad.

I know, I trust that one with my life, every time she's in the driver's seat it's like boarding a plane, you don't know if you're gonna live or die

#

If you're all wondering, I do have my license. But Raya's current job is driving, she has all her classes. Shocking, isn't it?

#

After she did that quick turn and almost got two people killed, I made her pull over and had a conversation about it. I calmed her down, telling her to not put her anger in the wheel and that she needs to maneuver herself more slowly and carefully

#

I told her the right way to handle a bad situation

#

I'm also saying a lot right now about this woman's mental health, something she's struggled with her whole life

#

Meanwhile what she does is already illegal, she drives on drugs all the time.

#

Not just that, but her occupation is driving. If she gets pulled over, it won't go over well. At the moment, she's waiting for a court hearing, to tell her if she's mentally stable enough to have a license at all. Her license is at risk of being revoked right now

#

I made a joke to her... saying that no wonder she speeds every time she drives. They have her driving these slow ass trucks all the time at her job.

#

The second she gets in a regular car, the girl goes 150 on highways, hilarious, I know

#

Sniffle sniffle drip drop

#

I'd say I'm stupid for being with her but if I don't love her then who will

#

Truly brings out the worst type of recklessness in me

#

The quality of being uncaring

#

Not caring about your own safety, not prioritizing it, no

#

Not the best girlfriend I've had

#

I'm gonna bring up the ||drugs|| I did over this weekend. To keep track of that too. ||Her and I did countless lines of cokaine for days straight. Where we got the blow was much cleaner than last time, didn't almost OD this time||

#

I left her place a few hours ago, because the weekends over. I got things to do, school to get back to

#

Now I'm not just some party freak, I'm good at school, and I study

#

Even though I've failed years of it, and was recently expelled by 2 acting schools.
However thats just an extra hobby of mine, it's different from your regular college or university that you study core subjects at.

#

I also have a feeling, I will be let into either one, maybe, within time. Im just kicked out of the 2 at the moment...

#

If you're all wondering why I do ||drugs|| it's because, ||I'm gonna experiment, whether or not I have mental illness, it's just some salt, spice, everything nice in my life. Joking, but something I'll recreationally use to take the edge off sometimes.||

#

Now that I look back on everything I did with Raya this weekend, it's embarrassing, not everybody can do this

#

And I think there's some stuff wrong with me to be apart of it

#

I even find it weird how well I get along with this person, who's kinda bad, like they're not the healthiest, not the stablest, not the sharpest

#

But I'm kind of smart for knowing some of what I do, is dumb

#

I bet Raya wishes the world could see this forum

#

Because that's how much she likes it

#

Like yeah it's on Discord so fucking what

#

It's better than Snapchat that shit is laggy as hell and known to get breached by cops if you're doing sketchy deals on it

#

I'm just saying other apps are less trustworthy

#

I talk about smoking habits/addiction here

You should all see that woman's ashtray jesus christ it is never not full to the kaput

#

Tw smoking
||I literally turn my back for a second and she lights another cigarette up||

#

Tw smoking
||She misses a minute of my attention and she's on the fucking balcony smoking LOL||

#

Tw addictions, smoking
||And I myself don't have an addiction to cigs but I'll have one here and there, you guys will see me smoking weed instead, which I've had an addiction to in the past but I can have a couple grams and not need it||

#

Tw, addictions, smoking, weed
||Yeah I accept the cigarette addiction because I've had fucking tar, from weed cigs, just leaking out my fucking mouth before and all over my chin||

#

Tw describing resin
||I'd have it everywhere on my face and if anyone's ever touched tar from smokes before, it's hella hard to get off of you and it's like this sticky orange residue||

#

But anyways the ||girls cigarette addiction|| is bad is what I'm saying

#

And on a more important topic,
I don't know how to tell my girlfriend I don't wanna marry her and that she's temporary

#

And to have kids

#

Those two come together, apparently

#

She said she'll be waiting for me to be ready for it, andddd I don't want that. I told her that from the start when her and I were just getting to know each other.

#

But it's like... She don't got much time to fool around, I mean, that's up to her, how many years does she have left? That's 44 years old

#

And I realize she's just wasting her time on me, who's just fun, who's supposed to be just that and nothing more. I'm awful I know.

#

Next time she brings up kids or marriage I'm bringing up her medications that she doesn't take consistently

#

At the same time

#

And it also just goes to say not many men are interested in Raya. She doesn't have serious options in her life. She tells me shes stuck at the age, 26, and hasn't changed since then. Pretty scary

#

I'm thinking of how to rip that bandaid off but I've already told her. Hell, she approached me first, saying, "It can just be for fun. Nothing serious." And I remembered that since she said it from the start. Like what? Catching feelings that deeply now?

#

If she says I lead her on, for marriage or kids in the future, when I breakup with her, I'm gonna say she mislead me, because from the start that's what she wanted when she looked at me at first glance

#

I remember when I made her cry because I brought up how messed up, us and our relationship actually is

#

Like I can see things clearer than she wants to be able to

#

NSFW
||Plus this broad begged us to stay in her apartment instead of go out and party because she'd rather have sex all day, lol||

#

It was becoming too much

#

Im starting to feel bad

#

Because when I leave her and breakup with her, I fear she'll have anger about it for years. Like she will remember me, until the day she fucking dies. Because her expiration date AIN'T SO FAR AWAY

#

I hate to know, that I'm gonna leave someone with that sort of pain

#

Like I don't wanna hurt her

#

But I know she will be hurt

#

And she'll probably express that anger to me loud and clear before uh, vanishing from my life, doing substances to numb her pain over it, and being completely mentally unstable behind the scenes and trying to hide it from me and everyone, and probably stalking me at a few schools I go to, because she's like that

#

That's my predicament

#

Now I feel very bad thinking of all of this because it'll end in a heartbreak

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 5:45 AM

#

frank ledge And she'll probably express that anger to me loud and clear before uh, vanishing...

That's me thinking about what Raya will do after I breakup with her in the future

#

Because she wants me forever and I want her temporarily

#

But I don't think this woman is sane enough to even make that decision

#

To say that she wants to marry me right now. It hasn't even been a year yet, and she isn't taking any medications that she should be taking. The doctor went from giving her mood stabilizers to antipsychotics, like..?

#

Plus it's hard to encourage someone to keep taking their meds when they tell you that their antipsychotics are making them hallucinate

#

And Raya didn't have that problem before, she says she barely has had any psychosis. But after taking this Abilify crap? She's been seeing weird stuff

#

Like why is the medication giving her, what it's supposed to be getting rid of.

#

Weird, not good

#

And I asked Raya if one of the smaller reasons why she stopped taking her medications is because she's doing drugs with me now, and she said that's true

#

Some meds apparently mute all side effects of drugs or alcohol and substances, and Raya hates that. Or it's just recommended to never do any substance if taking prescribed pills.

#

Like neither of us know better

#

I think of how embarrassing it all is like actually

#

I feel gross or disgusted with myself

#

To enable her behaviors

#

Tw drugs and how it's risky, mentioning sex under the influence
||Like her and I for the past few weekends were mostly showing up to bars, being handed and given drugs, some for free, sketchy as hell, we're taking them all day all night, and it's obvious that Raya wants me to be on drugs for the most part knowing that it will get me horny, it does that to people||

#

I almost hate how close her and I have gotten, or are getting

#

Tw mentioning drugs again
||Plus these drugs are taking away from my good looks||

#

I'm gonna start seeing Raya less and probably get a job instead

#

Plus it's so weird dating a girl decades older than you

#

I miss the natural like youth and similar growing process that girls around my age have that Raya doesn't

#

Like why is her life coming to a close and mine just started in a way

#

I actually miss having a girlfriend around my age so badly

#

||I'm sexed up, not gonna lie. I'm very sexually active. Just saying|| tw nsfw

#

I feel like more of a fantasy to her than a real person

#

NSFW and weird ||I feel like I'm some sort of weird fetish for Raya||

#

||In a way that, I'll forever be young to her, in her eyes. She loves that. But why. I don't get it|| NSFW? Weird. Tw for people who have been groomed or pedophilia
God I hate to use those words
But I really do question it

#

||Coke stares off into random spot||
tw joke about drugs I did LMFAOOO

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 3:31 PM

#

Monday August 23rd, the morning

#

Tyis Raya creature is calling me

#

Like what the fuck do you want

#

3 missed calls

#

At the crack of fucking dawn

#

Do you seriously need to talk to me right now when we just spent 3 days with each other

#

Like ok whatever she's checking on me to see if I'm fine after the ||drugs|| we did but dealers don't

#

Got me annoyed as hell

#

I'm letting out the deepest fucking sighs ever

#

That was so rude of me the way I just ended that phone call

#

Like fuck let me breathe I just woke up a second ago

north sigil Aug 25, 2025, 3:37 PM

#

Woah

#

This looks like a story you read out of a novel

verbal fern Aug 25, 2025, 3:40 PM

#

frank ledge I actually miss having a girlfriend around my age so badly

if you miss it so bad just leave

#

it sounds crazy but in retrospect isn't it that easy?

#

Raya is not your responsibility

#

Just break it off with her, block her if necessary, tell the important people she might reach out to damage your reputation

#

and move on

#

easier said than done though i can admit

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 3:41 PM

#

My life is like a movie

#

Nobody damaging my reputation is important

north sigil Aug 25, 2025, 3:42 PM

#

Matt is right, though attachment can be a real pain when separating from such things

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 3:42 PM

#

I'm not breaking up with her yet

verbal fern Aug 25, 2025, 3:42 PM

#

why?

verbal fern Aug 25, 2025, 3:43 PM

#

frank ledge Nobody damaging my reputation is important

than shouldn't that make it slightly easier?

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 3:43 PM

#

I'm still with Raya because she takes me to all kinds of places

verbal fern Aug 25, 2025, 3:43 PM

#

i know i don't get it at all, but still

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 3:43 PM

#

She's spontaneous and outgoing

north sigil Aug 25, 2025, 3:43 PM

#

I am confused really ;-; may I ask what exactly do you desire from sharing all of this?

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 3:43 PM

#

IDC about my reputation

verbal fern Aug 25, 2025, 3:43 PM

#

frank ledge I'm still with Raya because she takes me to all kinds of places

so you're staying with her because you're an addict/she's taking you to all these "crazy" places?

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 3:43 PM

#

People make it into whatever

north sigil Aug 25, 2025, 3:44 PM

#

what about your life?:(

verbal fern Aug 25, 2025, 3:44 PM

#

it sounds like she's enabling you

north sigil Aug 25, 2025, 3:44 PM

#

Don't you deserve something better than this?:(

verbal fern Aug 25, 2025, 3:44 PM

#

no offense or anything, i'm just trying to kinda understand, if you'd rather not have to explain yourself that's fine

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 3:45 PM

#

I'm not an addict or addicted to any drugs

verbal fern Aug 25, 2025, 3:45 PM

#

but it just seems like an overall horrible situation where you're a continuous victim

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 3:45 PM

#

We enable each other

north sigil Aug 25, 2025, 3:45 PM

#

That is not a good thing to practice in a relationship:(

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 3:46 PM

#

frank ledge Journals are also not just a place to rant/vent, but they are to keep track of y...

@north sigil

north sigil Aug 25, 2025, 3:46 PM

#

Ohhh

#

OHHH

#

oki oki

#

thank you 🙏

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 3:47 PM

#

Some couples do, ||drugs|| and not everybody's picture perfect

north sigil Aug 25, 2025, 3:47 PM

#

yeah:( i dont think any one is picture perfect

#

some relationships look great now but no one knows the past behind the relationship

#

I dont have the same level of relationship as you but I do wish your wellbeing is alright though

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 3:58 PM

#

Thank you I appreciate it friends

#

I know you all question my choice of girlfriend at the moment

#

I do too

#

But I love the chaos

#

I'm gonna try to make it clear, I do not condone substance use. Not at all. I discourage people from trying it, and doing it.

#

Even though I dabble, and write about that, yeah. The only thing I'm addicted to is nicotine at the moment

#

Not everybody can do that, and not everyone should either

#

I've talked all about those consequences before, it screws with your brain, health, and can change you permanently

#

But anyways yeah, my girlfriend, you won't see me tender like this most days but I love her crazy

north sigil Aug 25, 2025, 4:11 PM

#

love is a choice buddy

#

my boyfriend loved me even when a bad friend group drama drove my mental health down a cliff

#

I understand and i am relieved about the substance thingy, i hope you be free from it tho because like u said it has bad side effects 😭

#

I wish u and ur girl a happy life and I hope things improve for the better

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 4:21 PM

#

More like an voluntary victim

north sigil Aug 25, 2025, 4:21 PM

#

;-;

lusty delta Aug 25, 2025, 4:22 PM

#

frank ledge More like an voluntary victim

when will u marry ur gf?

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 4:24 PM

#

lusty delta when will u marry ur gf?

Her and I haven't known each other long enough to make that decision

#

Regular mentally sane couples take years or decades to find out if they wanna do that

#

Let alone her and I who are doing ||drugs|| and she's still figuring out medication with her doctor

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 8:22 PM

#

Soo

#

Tw planning to do drugs safely with a partner
||Raya shared with me her drugs and now it's about time I share mine with her||

#

Tw mentioning a drug aka shrooms/psychedelics
||You're probably all wondering how are mine any more safe. Because it's shrooms, not coke, no. These babies are naturally grown from the planet themselves, not made in a lab by a guy wearing a fucking hazmat suit and gasmask.||

#

||I may be a bit of a bad boyfriend, just because my gf said she's been hallucinating off the meds she's been prescribed recently and these are literally known as hallucinogens, but Raya said she wants to do those with me instead of me doing them alone.||

#

||So I said... Alright... and I'll probably give her a microdose instead of a full trip||

#

I'll tell this forum how that goes

#

||This is literally the stupidest thing I could possibly give this girl at the moment but she's asking for it||

#

Ai ai ai

#

Hopefully this chick doesn't turn into Ozzy Osbourne and start running after me with a knife when we do that stuff

#

Living life a bit fast or whatever

#

This woman brings out of me parts of myself I've tried hard to bury underneath

#

Like I'm more extreme or intense because of her

#

Some people will soften you, roughen you, this and that

#

When I was younger I was even more chaotic and I started getting more tame and behaved as I aged

#

But now as the ||drugs|| came into the picture, I'm going back a few years here to an old me

#

I sometimes say, I used to have vibrant red hair, yeah, bleached then dyed. I had that for a few years. But shaved it off and grew back my natural dark brown, that people mistake for black.

#

I stopped with the hair dye because I looked like a freak, obviously. It called too much attention to me

#

I started wanting to be the opposite, tried my hardest to be and look normal. Dress casual, be invisible, fly under everyone's radars, I still do that but the red may be coming back. Just some strands. Hahaha

#

My girl wants to see it on me, I guess

#

I don't like too much eyes on me, but that's hard to avoid, when you're above average height

#

I remember a girl a few years ago said to me, "the red flags are flying" that was pretty funny

#

I mean hell I don't know if I even wanna do allat to my hair

#

Let a guy blend in and camouflage y'know, sometimes I'm doing stuff I shouldn't.

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 9:35 PM

#

For example, smoking

#

I mentioned before that I recently got expelled from two acting schools

#

Other than that, at my current college, I am disliked by the staff there. For smoking on school property, unprofessional I know. I was suspended for that. I tried to avoid signing a contract after being suspended to agree to not doing it. Like I took the sheets home, didn’t bring them back with my signature.

#

And then… the following week I was leaning on a wall at school. The principal of my college, a lady, confronted me, and threatened me to sign the paper or else I won’t be allowed to attend the school until I do, saying that I’ll be kicked out from this one too otherwise. But the way she said that? She slid her leg in between my legs, and was trying to go face to face with me. Like goddamn. Felt that woman’s breath on me and everything. She tried to intimidate me in other words, and as someone who does martial arts and is incredibly good at reading body language… I was kinda… haha… pinned there, just a bit, by her. Unable to escape, oh no.

#

I remember just a look of shock coming out on my face. Like excuse you. What’s with the physical closeness? Her knee was just below my crotch. A bit weird. But whatever.

#

NSFW lol sorta funny ||I remember telling Jasmine at the time, that the encounter turned me on, instead of making me scared, well I think I felt both ways actually. I know, I’m terrible lmao||

#

I don’t remember if I told this story already but yeah.

#

Last semester I also had a teacher who was a woman that I was going to see for extra studying hours after class all by myself. She would send me flirtatious signals like winking at me, mixing our stuff together, touching and holding my hands, so freaking funny man

#

Like don’t make me say, what I gotta do for an A+?

#

And she ONLY winked at me. Just me. Out of the whole room.

#

The teacher has grey hair, she’s probably in her 50s.

#

No wonder I passed that fucking class. You all saw how happy I was after that semester finished

#

I remember at the time it was making me uncomfortable. Honestly. I had to often move my chair back or move some furniture to get myself out of my spot because my teacher would close me in using stuff around the class.

#

Like please let me go home Miss.AppleBottom I’m guessing your relationship with your husband isn’t the greatest at the moment but I can’t compensate for that

#

Yep, my teacher would place her hand ontop of mine, and expect me to write with the pencil in my hand like that. What a weirdo

#

I remember in a different class, I was telling the room about me cause we were told to, and I described myself as “kind” LOL… and then the next day some chick brought in like a dozen figs to share with everyone.

#

I just wanted to shout out, “Sorry I don’t have a fifty-fucking-figs to share with the class, but I DO HOWEVER, have my vape to pass around.”

#

Yeah the older ladies they just come to me, like moths to a flame. Damn prunes

frank ledge Aug 25, 2025, 10:01 PM

#

frank ledge And then… the following week I was leaning on a wall at school. The principal of...

But yeah why’s this lady pinning me down like the bad boy I am over a bit of smoke

#

Fanning myself off here

#

Under pressure

#

I should say to a friend around her, my principal, “I DUNNO, IF SHE PINS ME UP AGAINST THE WALL LIKE THAT I MAY BREAK THAT RULE AGAIN”

#

HAHAHA

frank ledge Aug 26, 2025, 1:56 AM

#

On a more serious note,

#

I miss Trina. She's around 24, 25 as for age. Blonde hair, bluest eyes you'll ever see. A stunning girl, but there was mistakes between her and I

#

I had love for her, I mean, I loved her.

#

Her mental health issues were relatable, transparent, and honest to me. Seeing me light her life up for the better was all I could really ask for in a relationship at that time.

#

It might make me emotional to see her at school, if she's going this semester. She said she would

#

I could sort of see her mentally grow, slowly but surely, the last time I saw her, she looked a lot healthier.
Tw drug addiction that Trina struggled with,
||She had gained some weight, because she quit using cokaine. She was addicted to coke for a while. She looks better, more alive, more awake, aware of what's going on around her. Seems smarter too. And yet, here I am, with a girlfriend that's supporting me with coke and deadly drugs nonstop.||

#

Notice how I rejected the girl that actually cares about me? She's more sensible, she used to be a mess, when she was also struggling with alcohol addiction on top of that.

#

My girlfriend Raya has made me into, less of a good person, let's say. I've let that happen. It's too bad.

#

And I hate how, clearly Trina sees my situation, how aware she currently is, she's gotten a lot sharper once she quit that stuff. I hate how right she can be.

#

I wonder if I'll ever be good with Trina again, friends, I mean. I notice as time passes, my hearts been growing sore, and more sensitive for her I guess

#

The anger in her face the last time I spoke to her and Jasmine in person is being hard for me to forget and look past. Like a very disappointed, and almost overwhelmed expression.

#

The problem is, she's such an aggressive girl. She doesn't know how to talk to me, or anyone, calmly, gently, or softly. Yep. She has lots of attitude problems. Which I was willing to take on

#

I do miss her, a lot. It's starting to get to me. But I bet when I see her in person, I may take it back. Considering the circumstances. I don't know what's wrong with me, while I get crazier off the substances I'm doing, and deeper into a drug frenzy with a woman too old for me, the girl that sees through it all has already left, and is becoming tired of my coldness

#

All these women, man. What's funny is Trina would also lock me up in her house and never want to go anywhere with me. Just like Rayas doing to me. Lol... Like they don't wanna share me with the world, just to themselves

#

Trinas mental health sometimes, she would speak for deeper parts of me that I never wanted to express out loud

#

I can tell that Raya's been drug blind her whole life. Constantly on substances to where everything is a hazy, euphoric, high, and blur. When you're like that, you don't know what's ever going on.

#

It's cool how Trina went and got therapy, causing her to take months off of school. Like she needed it.

#

I wish her and I could casually talk again. It's crazy because, when I had her in my phone still able to contact her, I never messaged her, and left her alone completely.

#

But it's fine. I'm not obsessive or anything. I'll just observe her from afar. Her and her rebound.

#

I remember I bailed on her, like 3 times, when she went and cooked for me food. Just because I didn't feel like it. I was such a jerk for that. Me not making any time for her.

#

Other than her crazy possessiveness, willingness to overstep any boundary of hers she sees fit, and telling you to block every girl you know in your phone, she's a pretty cool gal.

#

And underneath my skin, is some addiction to pain and danger, the spontaneity of life, hedonism. Someone too fearless for their own good

#

Mention of self harm, being jumped on/beat by multiple people, tw for bullying
||It's been mentioned before how I like danger, and I know it makes everyone think of that one personality disorder, but I don't have to be that, I see people addicted to pain and danger all the time in my dojos. It ties in with some self destruction, self harm. The feeling of letting go and letting yourself lose who you are, not having to be safe anymore. That's just so comfortable to me. I got used to all of that. I was in lots of pain from a young age. For example, I was jumped and beaten by older kids young as 11 or 12 years old. The people doing it to me were laughing. I was covered in bruises days later. That lead me to hitting myself to recreate that pain and those bruises.|| I then delved into martial arts, that saved me.

#

I have a feeling my pain and pleasure wire in my brain rubs up against each other at times. I can only guess.

#

Mention of child abuse I went through as a kid
||I remember being beat as a kid sometimes too by my parent figures.|| But at the end of all of that, I didn't wanna be good, I wanted to be against the grain and unlovable

#

Mention of drug addiction
||I remember replacing friends with drugs from an early age too. To be given synthetic highs instead of systems of support that failed on me and couldn't do what they were supposed to. That does damage to you||

#

It makes me realize, when people have treated you so badly, abused you, beaten you, you start to do that to yourself, and then you may want to start doing it to others. But I'm not an abuser, it did however make me a violent, and dangerous person

#

It's hard to unlearn all this pain when it has shaped you into who you are today, and it's in the women I like too. Similar personalities.

#

Mentioning how drugs can shape, change, and control somebody
||We can all see how much of a lunatic Raya is and drugs shaped parts of her to be that way. I understand that in her. Because a part of me was like that too. Changed and controlled by others and drugs||

#

Rayas mom told me that she faced lots of suspensions because people would always try to push her buttons and get her out of character. That happens to me all the time too. It's called reactive abuse

#

And the more I get to know my girlfriend, I realize coincidences in her and I, where we connect, why I'm still with her, and some of it is a bond through the worst kind of stuff

#

I like how Trina got a better version of myself. The me, before I met Raya. I was smarter then too.

#

Now, she watches me, become mean, cold, lacking of sense... and general care. But I already had that. It's just coming out of me now. Because I'm doing the wrong thing. Because I'm with the wrong woman.

#

It flys over Rayas head how bad of a girlfriend she can be. She doesn't wanna admit it to herself, she's scared of losing me, but I don't blame her for all she can be. Just like how she wants me drunk and on drugs, how she wants me dumber.

#

She's bad and she knows it. She knows that I know that she knows she's bad.

#

It gives me an excuse to be bad sometimes too. But I try my best to treat her right, and I do, I'm there for her, I work things through, but I only can for so long

#

Mention of heavy drug use
||Drugs comes with the girl. I doubt you can separate her and that. Which makes her entire existence addictive to me. She is a part of the drugs at this point. Cravings.||

#

She can be manipulative and I catch onto that type of stuff, every time it happens. I mean I already lost the other 2 girls because of her.

#

She's bad news. A scary lady.

#

The way the world moves around that woman, is like a piranha in a cage of goldfish.

#

I know what it's like to have everybody stay away from you though, to be astray, vigilant, a sketchy one

#

Oh man. That girl and Trina. Whew.

#

The angry blonde. That one's temper is not to fool around with. She's uncontrollable. Then my girlfriend, a sick psycho.

#

I remember Trina left me with some jewelry and gifts. She made me a waist chain to put through the loophole of my jeans. It would get caught on her fishnet stockings sometimes, causing her to be stuck to me, physically.

#

My minds feeling pretty scattered, my thoughts are a little everywhere. My nose has been dripping all day... from you know what ||cokaine||

#

Rayas so consistent with me and making plans. I'm gonna be honest here. I'm talking about drug use. ||I have an addictive personality, and if drugs are being offered to me for free by this girlfriend? I'll be taking up on that, each, time.||

#

Tw drug use, getting sober, mention of predatory antics and manipulation
||I just know Trina's nightmare has come alive, for me to get onto the same stuff she tried so hard to quit, and to be with another girl... that's supplying it, aaandddd that's way too old for me, to where she may be, a tad, predatory, yeah||

#

Tw drug use, and alcohol
||I mean, she's putting me on drugs all day, buys me alcohol when I tell her not to, these are a part of her plans, and I'm tolerating it||

#

I wonder how Trina will perform in her school life nowadays, seeing her get sober, and me on the other hand do the opposite

#

Or maybe, she won't be at school at all this semester. Because that's how much she struggles with her mental health

#

I'll have to give the girls a cold shoulder if anything, and they'll be approaching me, not the other way around.

#

Trina was healthier for my soul

#

Than Raya, my current girlfriend is

#

Trinity was a crafty gal.
She made me a rose out of wire, and some sort of plastic. Painted it black and pink. A beautiful gift. Some rings that turn your skin green. She painted me a few portraits of hearts, a lock and a key, artistic and creative

#

It was impressive, the things she'd make

#

Thoughtful, yeah

#

Good memories of this ex

frank ledge Aug 26, 2025, 3:49 AM

#

frank ledge Mention of self harm, being jumped on/beat by multiple people, tw for bullying ...

And when I was 13 years old, I was already 6 feet tall. Like I was always that height

#

I was growing entire inches each year that passed as a kid

#

and it physically hurt a lot, I was in so much pain to grow that quickly that I had to see a doctor for it

#

Like I said, stretch marks all over my knees

frank ledge Aug 26, 2025, 6:42 AM

#

It’s 3 AM on a Tuesday night

#

And I’m just like thinking

#

I feel so bad for Raya

#

It’s about the drugs
||Like does she think any of that is normal, to consistently use coke for days in a row and she’s just like spending hella money on street drugs||

#

||It makes me feel bad even for myself because that’s what she’s got to give me||

#

Sht keeping me up at night

#

I don’t even know how to talk abt this other thing

#

It’s so embarrassing for me to

#

My gf and her liking to guys too young including me

#

That guy she was checking out

#

Like fck

#

I’m gonna tell her

#

To stay the fuck away from him

#

Not over my dead body

#

Is she touching him

#

Like

#

That makes me mad as hell

#

At her and who she is

#

||If she doesn’t stay within a 20 and a half foot pole of that underage guy with the blond hair and blue eyes||

#

I would go to jail

#

I’m nt kidding

#

Feeling disgusted

#

Again

#

All attraction suddenly gone

#

I need to break up with this girl ASAP

#

Shit makes me fkcng twitch

#

I should probably get sober

#

So ill seem a lot normaler

#

I’m not anything like that girl

#

I don’t even wanna text out her name “R a y a”

#

A weirdo is what

#

I’m coming to a realization of

#

Just how odd and unhealthy this

#

“Girlfriend” is

#

She’s not that to me anymore

#

||That kid looks innocent as hell too like nothing like me||

#

It’s creepy

#

||Him and I have opposite features||

#

This is all so uncomfortable to even read

#

The 3 AM reflecting go hard

#

The distrust brewing in me

frank ledge Aug 26, 2025, 8:28 PM

#

Tuesday August 26th
I made a friend who's a girl, I guess. It's because she said she wants me to help her train martial arts. I told her to join a dojo because I can't be her personal trainer for that sorta thing. She exchanged contacts with me.
I told Raya, and now Raya's jealous. I can tell. Shes saying some stuff that reminds me of BPD a little. Like, "Without you, there's no me."

frank ledge Aug 27, 2025, 5:03 AM

#

Wednesday August 27th
At school today I was late for one of my classes. I was the last person in, with one chair left for me to sit in. Andddd that chair just so happened to be, right next to... Trinity's sister. That I had no option but to sit next to. Yeah. Just my luck.

#

I remember when I sat down I was half on the seat and half off, and my papers were on the edge of that desk. I had met Trinity's sister a few times when I was at her house.

#

And honestly, she seems like a cool gal. She had a very solemn vibe to her. She wasn't paying attention to the class at all, she had earbuds in and was listening to music instead and busy sketching on her sheets. Her drawing made me kinda wanna start doing it too. So I started doodling eyes, with heavy dark circles around them. She noticed, because she also went and drew eyes on her sheet after I did. I liked that. Knowing each other, I bet I could've talked to her through drawing if I wanted to -- oh, and I could, because I guess that's my spot now.

#

The craziest coincidence ever. Trinity's sister, ey, no one decided to sit next to her. Huh. Trinas my crazy ex girlfriend, by the way.

frank ledge Aug 29, 2025, 4:01 PM

#

Friday, August 29th
12:00 PM
I saw Trina, my ex girlfriend in the hallways while I've been at school. A few times now, with her boyfriend.

#

Almost forgot how smoking hot she is. Trinity catches my eye. I miss that girl a lot.

#

Like 5'8... Ocean blue eyes, the longest dirty blonde hair ever. Slender, a bit modelly.

#

Stereotypical American girl beauty standard. Yeah. Wish I could be friends with her at least, but no, she has me blocked on our social media apps.

#

Mm mm mm

#

Obsessive, toxic, borderline

#

I'd go back to her ngl. But it'd ruin her

frank ledge Aug 29, 2025, 7:48 PM

#

GOING TO HANGOUT WUTH RAYA LOL

frank ledge Aug 30, 2025, 7:43 PM

#

Saturday, August 30th
Currently at 14 hearts, bayum

#

Raya and I maybe wanted to go to the movie theater or play basketball but instead we stayed at her place. Ordered some food, drugs were taken during this hangout ~ ||did some lines of coke and we took some shrooms on top of that.||

#

My gf is asleep on her couch rn so I have her bed, all to myself

#

The cuddling last night was rlly good

#

It's like my body's melting into hers lol

#

That stuff so easily turns into something else

#

Anyways

#

Alright this is a funny note for the adults, only click this if you're that ||the floor beside Raya's bed is all lubey, it's like going freaking ice skating or slipping on a banana peel if you step on the wet spots|| NSFW spoiler

#

||Could fall if you're not careful like
FWIPPP, BOOONK
YOU KNOW LIKE IN THOSE CARTOONS LMFAO||

#

Fun fact, we spent $80 on condoms

#

||I remember when me and Raya thought the condom broke and then we didn't stop, we just kept going even harder
Literally midway through banging she asked, "Fuck, is something even on right now?" Because it felt raw||
NSFW about my sex life lawl, TMI
I suggest not doing this and stopping entirely, if you think something is off

#

||That's for future me to worry about and for present me to savor I fear||

#

now I'm just chewing on some flint mints

#

Listening to instrumentals

frank ledge Aug 31, 2025, 2:31 AM

#

Did ||shrooms|| again

#

Still with the girl

#

At her place

#

She cleaning, whatever

#

Off ||some coke too, 3 lines maybe||

#

||Smoked weed from her pipe|| Talking bout weed

#

Shrooms, and coke

#

I don't promote drug habits

#

I use substances sometimes .

#

If you can hear about that,
Or talk about it maturely with me...

#

||Took a few grams of the shrooms like a bit of an hour ago. Raya did some with||

#

It's near the end of Saturday for me, 10 PM EST
Reminder of my timezone

frank ledge Aug 31, 2025, 10:21 AM

#

Sunday, August 31st
It's 6 AM,
I'm at my girlfriend's place. Raya.

#

I'm hidden out in her restroom right now to be honest with you

#

Haha, hidden, it's because maybe I need some time by myself

#

I feel sick.

#

This is about drug use, so be warned. They're making me feel awful at the moment. ||I did a lot of coke, and I'm tired, I've been up all night. I know I've been doing a lot of it cause my face is all red, and there's spots of blue on it. My chest is fading a bit to blue too.||

#

I had to turn down my girlfriend wanting to bang me just now because I had to take time away to look at myself and make sure I'm doing okay with all the stuff I'm putting in my system

#

I don't know, I'm uncomfortable. I'm scared to communicate to her right now that I just have to watch my health at the moment. So unsexy. I wanna please her and me too but I can't right now, and it's a bit disappointing.

#

||Plus... I look in the mirror and my face..
Is all red? And irritated almost? The outside of my lips are fading to a dark blue. Now that can either be from my girlfriend, kissing me, it happens, orrrr...|| The drugs I did. Pardon my maturity

#

||There's about 1 or 2 lines left of coke on her nightstand to do. I had countless tonight, considering my skin color||

#

And I am sorry, because this is hard material

#

||My pupils are heavily dilated too||

#

Look, these spoilers contain ||hard drugs|| if you can't read about that then don't click them. That's a large warning for anybody reading. I suggest kids don't click on that covered text, because it's hard to read about.

frank ledge Aug 31, 2025, 12:18 PM

#

8:00 AM
It's also mentioning the amount, and dosage, that can be triggering or spike curiosity for some. So be cautious what you choose to look at on media and open your eyes to

#

That was 2 hours ago? Wow, times flying with this girl. Raya, ey. A gal in her 40s, looks 26 though.

#

A few hours ago her and I watched the sun come up outside

#

And uhh, yeah, I'm of age, an adult. My girlfriend's a lot older than me. Some people think she's grooming me. However, this relationship is legal. To remind you all.

#

My age is 21, and I'm close to turning 22. In a month, actually.

frank ledge Aug 31, 2025, 1:22 PM

#

9 AM
I've been awake all throughout the night

frank ledge Aug 31, 2025, 5:31 PM

#

It's 1 PM now and I drove myself back to my place

#

If you asked me how I feel,
I'd say my eyesight / vision is choppy

#

Not many frames per second am I taking in
Let's say, my vision's hindered

#

Did I say before my eyesight is already bad and that I've needed glasses for years but never checked any out

#

I talk about how drugs make you feel in this spoiler and it ain't the greatest,
||I feel a heartthrob almost, throughout my whole body
I think my skins vibrating
Kinda like my nerves, are shaking, or something is inside my body
Probably a comedown, of the coke and psychedelics I did||

#

I've been up for a day because of the night I had with my gf, Ray

#

Her and I are alike in the, likes to party and use drugs way.
In the, "less morale living"
Live fast die young
Riskayyy...

#

Funny adult comedy, only look at if that ||I'm tangled up in the woman and her ways, with the drugs and love||

frank ledge Aug 31, 2025, 6:13 PM

#

I like how Raya bought me some lunch today

#

We sorta like each other a lot

#

Other than questionable parts bout her

#

She spends money on me

#

I spend sum on her too.
She got a job right now.

#

She had this uhh.. treat, cakey, had this fruit jam leaking out of it

#

blushing hard thinking about it

#

She was smiling and staring at me while enjoying that breakfast or whatever ,
The brunch we had

#

Her and I then went out and got some energy drinks/coffee

#

2 in 1

#

||She picked up|| weed ||from a dispensary, we smoked that on my block on a walk||

#

Raya and I have been dating for 2 months
She has the first date we started written on a calendar, in her apartment

#

I spoke to Raya about marriage recently, brought it up.
Told her that it's too early to decide that, and we should wait
Not that I haven't decided I don't love her forever yet
But that I gotta see where our lives are at in years
Keep looking at the nature of her,
and living in it

#

I told her it feels like it's been longer than 2 months
I bet my heart will remember her for longer
||Because|| drug use ||was involved in her love||
The body remembers people,
and the brain
||I expect to get drug cravings,
Off her stuff in the future.
I can handle that.||

#

||I don't want drug cravings, but I have an addictive personality||

#

||I like her poison||
Tw toxic

vapid mirage Aug 31, 2025, 6:38 PM

#

gng u have dated more women than ive known in my entire life

frank ledge Sep 2, 2025, 12:16 AM

#

Every kiss takes me higher and makes me forget all my pain

wicked canyon Sep 2, 2025, 12:24 AM

#

Yo you good man?

frank ledge Sep 2, 2025, 5:31 AM

#

wicked canyon Yo you good man?

I like to think that I am

#

September 2nd, 2 AM
Jasmine and Trina

So... I had to unblock Jasmine off social media. I asked her to take the shirt I gave to my ex, Trinity and hand it back to me when she can.
Because of this.

#

The message I sent Jas was,

"Yo
You guys should give me that shirt back that Trina has if she doesn't want it anymore
That would be mature of you to do"

The exact message Jasmine sent me at 11 PM on September 1st was..
"She wants it, she just didn't want your aura on it. It's fine now. We cleansed it."

Without the quotations...
I messaged Jas instead of Trina because Trina has me blocked.

#

I didn't respond yet

#

I'm still thinking of what to say to that.

#

Like really?

#

"your aura"
Gimmie a break

#

Like what're you a freaking witch

#

I wanna tell her, that's still my shirt. From me. It's mine, and I could take it back whenever I want. I am forever attached to that piece of clothing LOL

#

Just to get under their skin

#

I'm almost shocked that Trina my ex still wants a shirt I gave her but whatever. She wanted to be with me so bad. And still probably does.

#

Or I should tell Jasmine,
you can't cleanse it, the evil of me is engrained into the fabric, forever

#

and it'll haunt you both, like a curse

#

I wonder if I asked for it back in a more... demanding way, if they'd give it back to me. Or fight to have it. Those two are like best friends now.

#

I know Trinas boyfriend is fucking fuming, whenever she brings me up
and I know she does
just from her energy
and her,
"aura"
lol

#

That woman has a nervous breakdown whenever she sees me her whole day is ruined and in shambles

#

Like can you forgive me already for not wanting to be with you

#

Silly girl

#

I take her feelings seriously in no way am I making fun of her attachment issues towards me and emotional turmoil

#

It's good Trina blocked me definitely shows some self respect

#

The same way I blocked Jasmine

#

I think there's loads of evil in that shirt Trinity has a hold on, so I should tell them to make it a ritual to cleanse it multiple times

#

You'll need all the sage in the world to get the demon out of it

#

I tell Jasmine "Ok angel"

#

Joking haha
That would set Trina into a burst of flames if she was told that

#

I told her, uhh.. "The aura too cold huh" Yeah

#

I also asked where the fuck Trina got all that salt from that she surrounded my shirt with

#

I'd send the picture of it in one of my journals but Jas deleted it, it's not in chat anymore

#

That looked like at least 100 grams of salt I'm not even kidding

#

I bet I could easily slither my way back into a friendship with Jasmine but I'd rather not.

#

That evil shit so funny

#

Imagine I walk past them both in the halls of our school and shout, "Sorry, evil coming through" I'm dead

#

I like how Trina is noticing something is off about me

#

And her interpretation of that is this uhh mythological, joke, that I'm "evil"

#

Like it's not just that she's upset about me not wanting her back, it's also the girl I'm currently attracted to, aka Raya

#

To be with that woman you have to have some things wrong with you

#

No mentally ok person would be with my girlfriend and I've told her that, it upset her. But is what it is

#

The crazier part about me is that, you can sort of tell, Raya is a groomer, or maybe even a bit more than that. But her manipulation doesn't affect me, and I have more of a hold or control over her emotions than she has on me. Which makes our relationship manageable in my eyes

#

Considering Raya is 44 and I'm 21

#

And you can see everyone else, well, at least most, stay away from this Raya girl, and are able to tell at first glance that she's odd, unwell, and her morals are in an unconventional place

#

But I don't stay away. Why? I can deal with difficult or complicated people without their issues rubbing off on me, especially her problems. Other than the drug use

#

EVERYONE is scared of my girlfriend Raya irl. She's not only menacing with her height, she's 6'1, not 6'2 and I suppose she just quite couldn't make it the next inch up, because she has an extra chromosome/condition that causes that, but she's also... suspicious, crooked, stands out in a bad way.

#

Trina and I were just as compatible

#

People find Trina an intimidating gal too. Also taller than most women. Very bad attitude issues with that one. Yells at anything and anyone. Bored all the time. Either clubbing or sleeping.

#

She's the tallest girl I've ever been with, might be the tallest lady I've ever seen actually. Irregularly skinny, another symptom of her extra chromosome from birth.

#

Raya also met my uncle that isn't in my life all the time. He just so happened to be there when I was driving back to my place. He likes her a lot. My uncle had the biggest teethy grin on his face when we were heading back into my aunt's place.

#

I remember Raya mentioned wanting to get more in shape and the first thing I brought up was nutrition, and how I was willing to cook food for her. I bet if you measured that womans thighs they're like 3 inches wide. I don't body shame, no. I think she told me she's around 110 pounds, underweight. I remember telling her that I could reach up to a like 160-180 pound bracket and she didn't believe me at first. Like yeah honey, I don't got a few extra chromosomes like you do, fucking alien, scientific abnormality. Plus I'm young, my weight can shift easy

frank ledge Sep 2, 2025, 6:47 AM

#

frank ledge Raya also met my uncle that isn't in my life all the time. He just so happened t...

Based off like a 5 minute conversation between my uncle and Raya, my uncle said through a breathy lighthearted laugh after she left "Raya reminds me of a kid a bit, like a little girl almost, like young for her age, if she ever did age"
Despite her being 6'1 and having grey hairs.
I didn't say anything to that, brushed it off. People see similar in her. At that moment, I could've reminded my parent that she has diagnosed autism, making her appear younger than she is, but also Triple X syndrome I think it's called... or Turner syndrome? Whatever, same shit.

#

I don't know how to feel about that, I mean, it also brings my mind back to her preference for guys a lot younger than her.

#

I hate to bring this up but.. I'll have to give a warning for grooming and predatory desires. Not mine, but my girlfriend's, which concern me also as a younger guy, that was just a legal adult a year ago according to the United states. I mention a mental condition and it's a very stigmatized one, pedophilia.
||I haven't forgotten about the time Raya showed desire to have sex with an underage guy, who's around 17, tried to drag me into getting that to happen to and I turned that down. That interaction tells us, about pedophilia. This devastates me, and you can see me at times disgusted with her. I've said I'll make sure to keep a close eye on Raya and ensure any person underage is safe around her or us. I'm not her. With research, pedophilia is a psychiatric condition. Yea, we are all thinking the same, it is a mental illness. Psychotherapy and counseling is offered towards individuals who are self aware of that. One day I dream of getting her into that sort of therapy.||

#

Raya is still someone's kid. Someone's daughter, and someone's girlfriend. She deserves much help as she could get, and she does see a psychiatrist for medications. I try to mention this less, for obvious reasons. I've been told I've been getting groomed by her but my mental space has been quite fine to be honest with you all. I fear being with her is enabling though, from how I am also a lot younger than her. That worry is in the back of my mind often.

#

||I also have, influence, over her desires. Because I am her boyfriend after all. I've communicated I'm fine with a more open relationship, less jealousy, but y'know... Everyone in the picture must be of age. That is a hard set boundary. Therefore I can almost monitor this ill part of her mind and steer her away from acting out on this literal crime and gross, traumatizing behavior at all.||

#

I'm calling it gross, and disgusting, I can, I'm not some damn professional, I'll have an opinion on it like the rest of you

#

No way in hell would I ever let that sort of thing pass or happen

#

However I am understanding of mental illnesses, no matter what they are. ||What matters is separating fantasies and desires from actual actions, and far as I know she's never committed to these behaviors. They are just long term, persisting thoughts for her.
It's also odd how the underage boy she wanted to have sex with, called her a pedo to her face in person in front of me, like the young boy sees right through her attraction. And Raya liked that, weirdly. Hm.||

#

I can call Trinas obsessive and possessive behavior disgusting too, because it can make me uncomfortable at times. Okay? Kill me

#

These spoilers are about pedophilia, I talk about it maturely as a condition without stigma and it's comorbidities I find through the Internet
||With some research I've done on the condition, I've found out that people who have it, have higher rates of being comorbid with psychopathy or antisocial personality disorder. Because to act out on that, is not only a crime but immoral, it's victimizing, and causes trauma and harm to others, those being kids.||

#

I believe that's enough said about that. That shits making my forum post lose wholesomeness, innocence, and young racy love. A guy has to breathe after reading that.

#

Heavy stuff

#

Makes me miss other girls in my life who are around my age

#

You can tell something about my girlfriend it's like she hasn't aged in a way. She's stuck at the mental age of the guys she's attracted to. ||Autism or pedophilia, or both?||

#

I don't know, but both are in the brain.

#

Like good god this chicks so messed up I have to fix her you know

#

I would make a good therapist

#

Air that shit out

#

Let those spoilers decompose

#

You'll all read about more girlfriends don't worry

#

LOL RIGHT AFTER I WRITE ALL THAT

#

DON'T WORRY UHH THERE'LL BE ANOTHER

#

AND I'LL MAKE SURE THE NEXT ONE I CHOOSE

#

IS AROUND MY AGE FOR ONCE AND

#

SHE WILL BE THE MOST GENTLE, CARING, SAFE, GIRLFRIEND, EVER

#

I feel so bad for saying that now oh boy I'm bad

#

There's no problem with seeing other people in the future ALRIGHT

#

IN TEN YEARS I WILL BE 31 AND RAYAS GONNA BE PUSHING 60

#

LIKE HELLO? MENOPAUSE

#

THE AGE OF HER BODY AND MINE.. ERRR... THE KIDS.. I DONT THINK THEYLL COME OUT QUITE.. RIGHT.. LOL

#

THEYLL BE LIKE 6'6 AND HAVE TEN EXTRA CHROMOSONES OR SOMETHING, I CANT DO IT BABY IM SORRY

#

SOO UHH I READ HERE, ANOTHER SYMPTOM OF TRIPLE X SYNDROME IS INFERTILIY HAHA UHH INTERESTING INFORMATION...

#

IF RAYA READ THIS PART OF MY JOURNAL SHE'D KILL ME LMAO

frank ledge Sep 2, 2025, 7:38 PM

#

Tuesday, September 2nd
I'm at school
I had to sit next to Trinity's sister again.
Andddd... The teacher was making us do team work with people seated beside us. When the teacher asked Trinitys sister to speak to me, she said,
"I don't want to talk to him."
When I waved a hand in front of her, she made this sour face at me.
The teacher told me to sit across the class from her because she refused to participate in class discussions. Lol.

#

Basically, she was being rude. To me. Haha. Yeah. Attitude problems must run in the family with those ones

#

I'm sure you don't like me sweetheart

#

Like yeesh the face that one gave me.

#

I texted Jasmine and told her, Trinas salty because I don't want her. And that she's weirder for getting with a guy while her and I took a break, like cheater-ish of her to do that.

frank ledge Sep 2, 2025, 10:13 PM

#

I'm telling Jasmine the hell off rn bro

#

And she says Trina is seeing everything in our DM LMAO

#

THE TOXICNESS IS CRAZY

#

SHOTS ARE MUTHAFUCKING FIRED

#

I CAN FEEL THE HURT FEELINGS FROM HERE AND I FEEL BAD

#

Jasmine said, I was "breadcrumbing" Trinity by going back to her and ghosting her or in other words just not texting her

#

D1 arguer

#

I SAID THAT I SEE MORE MANIPULATIVENESS IN TRINA THAN GOOD LOL

#

I SMELL THE ANGER FROM HERE

#

WOAH NOW JASMINE DONT LIGHT ME ON FIRE NOW

#

THAT CHICK IS SCARIER THAN TRINITY WITH ALL 5 FOOT OF HER BODY, BEEN TO JAIL TWICE ALREADY, ONE CHARGE FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

#

I BETTER LOCK MY DOORS AND MAKE SURE I DONT SMELL NUN BURNING AT NIGHT HAHAHA

#

YOU KNOW THE SONG THAT GOES

#

WIG SPLITTER, LOUIS HEADSCARF, IMMA DRIP SPILLER
REAL @@@@@, EX DRUG DEALER, NOW A PUBLIC FIGURE
IM THE TYPE TO SIUT HER OUT AND SPOIL HER IF IM FUKING WITH YOU
BREAK HER PHONE, BUY A BAG, BlTCHES LOVE A TOXIC @@@@

#

Oh man I'm about to be blocked I can feel it

#

IT DOESNT MATTER HOW MUCH SAGE YALL BURN. ILL BE BACK.

frank ledge Sep 2, 2025, 10:24 PM

#

frank ledge IT DOESNT MATTER HOW MUCH SAGE YALL BURN. ILL BE BACK.

I TEXTED THIS TO JASMINE

#

I say, "Why does it feel so good?"

#

So good to be BA-BA-BAD...

#

IF I SEE TRINITY WEARING MY SHIRT AT SCHOOL OR AT THE LOCAL PUB IM MOONWALKING OVER TO HER LOL

#

GOD I CAN BE SUCH A HEARTLESS ASSHOLE SOMETIMES

#

YALL DONT WANNA KNOW WHAT I SAID FULLY

#

THOSE TWO ARE PLOTTING ON ME. I CAN FEEL IT.

#

I HAVE GOT TO GET MY HANDS ON JASMINES MUGSHOTS

#

SOMEWAY, SOMEHOW

#

I BETTER WATCH MYSELF, I MAY BE THE REASON FOR ANOTHER LOL

#

SHES THIS LITTLE CURVY SHORT BUSTY BRUNETTE ASIAN GAL WITH BLOND STREAKS AND SHE WEARS PEACE NECKLACES

#

LIKE YOU AINT PEACEFUL GIRL YOU A MENACE TO SOCIETY TAKE THAT THE FUCK OFF

#

THATS FALSE ADVERTISING RIGHT THERE

#

SHES LIKE UP TO MY STOMACH IN HEIGHT LOL

#

PLZ TRY TO KILL ME

#

I THINK THEY MIGHT SHOW UP TO MY PLACE NGL THEYRE CRAZY ENOUGH TO DO THAT

#

JASMINE HASNT RESPONDED BACK YET IM SWEATING BULLETS LMAO

#

I LOVE THESE TWO GIRLS, I DO, BUT IM TOO RECKLESS AND COLD FOR THEM AND I HATE IT MUCH AS THEY DO

#

JASMINE COME BACK TO ME WE WERE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS

#

THE LITTLE DANGEROUS ASIAN ONE LOL

#

ARF ARF ARF ROUF ROUF ROUF GRRR RAH ROUPH ROPHU

#

HAHAHA

#

👅👅👅👅

#

Alr I gotta call my girl Raya, ask her what Jordans I should cop myself for my 22nd birthday

verbal fern Sep 3, 2025, 1:02 PM

#

sometimes i forget this is a collage freshman-senior who's still maturing, your reactions are hilarious

frank ledge Sep 3, 2025, 11:49 PM

#

I know I hope you guys don't just see me as a jerk, but as a funny jerk too

verbal fern Sep 4, 2025, 2:14 AM

#

funny jerk stuff aside, you seem like you chase drama just a lil bit, be careful with how much fuel you put in the fire that shit can come around and bite your butt 🙏🙏

frank ledge Sep 4, 2025, 6:31 AM

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Thursday, September 4th
It's 2 AM. Nearly 3.
My mind was running anxious.
Jasmine, Trina, and me. Tense.

I get through to my ex girlfriend Trinity by messaging this girl Jasmine that was once a close friend of mine that had a "crush" on me once upon a time.
They've both been mad at me for leading Trina on apparently, which I loosely apologized for in a heated moment with the 2. It didn't seem sincere enough or up to their standards.
I've been messaging Jasmine, going back and forth with her, until I decided to cut her off completely and Trina too.

#

I told her something along the lines of,
"I want you and Trinity to stay out of my life completely, forever. This is the end of it all." I then blocked Jasmine after sending that text.

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I wanted to also text Jasmine, which would all be shared with Trina my ex, that...
I'm bad, you're good.

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To let them know in some way, some how, that they are people who are in the right. That I'm wrong. But that I accept that.

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It was all because I started overthinking, and getting anxious about my girlfriend Raya. Maybe Trina would get so jealous and angry to the point of calling the cops on Raya, and having an investigation or case started on her for drugs. Which is something she has, a lot of.
My anxious thoughts got the best of me. I chose Raya over the both of them, this older lady with substance use issues. I wanted to protect her. This was for her.

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I could feel some health drain from my own face and energy. From my life, from my future.
But the thing is, I'm not all bad.
The part of me that will comfort you and make sure you're okay is different from the me that wants fun

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It's just that... I have an angel and devil on my shoulder.
Could you guess which one is winning?

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Once again I push away, "what's good." I make sacrifices, for Raya, for drugs. Those two may phase into 1 of the same

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Friendships are starting to feel like a gamble to me. I'm comfortable with losing them all. Anyone

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It started to weigh on me, to continue any relationship with Trina or Jasmine. Don't worry, I won't make you stay around to watch me use drugs, and rid myself of any wholesomeness

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It's just like, "C." I know it hurt her too much to stay around because I was using a lot of those. I was constantly doing bad. It's becoming a pattern in my life now. If you can't take it, then you can leave

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You see, this poison, drugs, bad, is very familiar to me. I know it all too well. People who care too much, about me, it doesn't seem to work out. Can't care for someone who doesn't care for themselves.
I'm very empty inside.

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Then.. my addiction to pain. To remind me that I'm alive. I remember when Raya said to my face I'm hotter when I'm drunk. That was painful for me, I love the pain. To be hurt

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I remember how nice and levelheaded of a person I was when I was dating Trinity. Some characteristics I have to abandon to survive in other areas of my life.

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I remember how Jasmine would constantly remind me of how crazy she is, and she is. Believe it. But this is my type of crazy, and mine can't be salvaged. Hers can be accepted, not mine.

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Care, care, care, why must there be none in me

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Those two girls were my friends. But now, they have been made into nothing, it's all crumbling to ash, because of me. It's like trying to save someone from drowning themselves intentionally. You'll get exhausted trying in the process

dusky crow Sep 4, 2025, 6:53 AM

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Bro that's like a complete book

frank ledge Sep 4, 2025, 6:54 AM

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How dare you care about me, oh no, no, you're dead to me. Terrible

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And I say that, protecting the drugs too, in my relationship that comes with Raya. After preparing for the next day, cleaning my entire house at 2 in the morning, with wide eyes, and movement that's too fast for the room.

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With the reoccurring thought, that I might die soon from it, and what life would be like without me in it.

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Reading how those girls feel from afar, I bet they're worried sick, but I can't reassure them, I've manipulated them to believe that Raya is no longer in my life. Raya was on board with that lie. We'd call it a white lie, but really, it's a dark one

frank ledge Sep 4, 2025, 7:00 AM

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frank ledge I told her something along the lines of, "I want you and Trinity to stay out of ...

Forever

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How long is never? How short is a fast life?

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And after shoving people out of my life, far, far out. I wonder how long it will be until I'm completely alone, on my own again. I desire that feeling, to have no one. That's easy to want, when you're someone like me

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I try to think through other people's eyes, and how they see me.
Possibly, in most areas of my life, an extroverted guy. That's open, has a nice smile, appears to be happy most of the time, but it's a persona I put on. They all see me, drift into my lonesome, sit alone, and not talk to anyone outside of activities. There's no friends around me. It's only me. Maybe, he's a little sad. Looking into his reality, uplifting presence, positive personality.

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My ex girlfriend Trina is so confused. She doesn't know what to think of me, how to weigh all of this duality. Can't I be both? Bad and good.

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If only I had friends to tell me, I didn't have to hold all the weight of my pain to myself, and by myself. But others won't hold me

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Plus I was getting tired. Of hearing about......
Jasmine and Trina observed short term memory loss in me. They said I seem very spacey most of the time, as if I don't know where I am, and can't remember what was said 5 seconds ago. I didn't like that. My memory problems are from many things.
These girls have traits of personality disorders, but me? What I have is schizophrenia. That can't be reversed. My mind is messed up in a way that a very small crowd would only understand.

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But a part of the short term memory loss is also carelessness and selective hearing. Brushing off whatever I don't wanna hear. My head can be in the clouds at times. In my own world.

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How can I not be spacey? I'm schizophrenic. Must I say it again? If anyone understands that at all. My brains not like yours.

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It started to offend me. How much they brought it up. My... memory loss.

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The disorder is brain damage.

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Having that makes you weird in other areas too. It's never just 1 thing...

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People have brought that up in my martial art dojos too... I'm honest about it... but at least I'm alive. ||Half of us blow our brains out before we even get to have kids.||

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Plus... The likability of passing that down is high. My aunt has it. One of my cousins has it. Oh well.
Currently hallucinating a healthy relationship between me and a girl my age

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Trina and Jasmine ey. Yeah. I gave them my goodbyes. Over text. Shitty of me, I know

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Those girls are too good for me and I decide that right now

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I remember when I was yelling at Trina on the phone to stop caring about me

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Never thought I'd be proud of someone for blocking me

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Nice to see that girl get healthy and get herself a boyfriend too

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Yep, the BPD girls. Ahhh... The ladies with PDs

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I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm gentle, I'm rough

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All this sad shit...

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I should get some new girls in my life...

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Back when I first created this forum post I was up in this bitch like..
Freek-a-leek
Shameka, Keisha, Tara, Shawna, Sabrina, Crystal, Daronda, Felicia, Tanisha, Sharon, Monique, Christina, Yolanda...

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The radio station that plays all the new Hip hop and R&B

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Haha

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This Raya chick unfixable she ain't like the rest she's too far gone in her ways

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She's been a bad girl since my age I bet

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The fact my uncle likes her lol. He said, "Oh wow, you're tall. What, do you do ballet?" Raya responded that she did when she was younger

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If I were to measure the width of my uncle's smile when we got back in the house and that door shut

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It's engrained in my brain like I can't forget the face he made at me it was freaking nasty

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Largest smirk I've ever seen on that guy's face. What a perv

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Like why you toss yourself on the couch and cross your legs like that bro don't look at me like that

frank ledge Sep 4, 2025, 11:19 AM

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mmm

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Love cuddling

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Makes me weak

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Wish I could stop messing relationships up

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and I don't use women and throw them off to the side
I love them all differently in their own unique ways

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but yeah missing the physical closeness

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hate feeling cold

proud prairie Sep 4, 2025, 2:03 PM

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Ong

frank ledge Sep 6, 2025, 12:38 AM

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It's Friday, September 5th
9:00 PM

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I'm at Rayas apartment

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What else is new, right

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She drove me to her place after my school period was over
Her and I... went out to eat first and she bought us food.
Then we went to go buy some new shoes at this sneaker place, and Raya bought me a new pair of air force 1s, wanted Jordans but got those instead. The shoes are all black and have a white stitching. She said those were her favorite on me.
Nice of my girlfriend to spend a bill on me.. my other ones are scuffed up. I wore them out the store.

#

We had gone back to her apartment... I offered to give her some jewelry of mine but she didn't take up on the offer. Probably because it's too big for her.
||She took some uhh pills that make her horny, some medication, female Viagra, I don't know||
NSFW meds

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||Her and I banged nonstop for the rest of the day until now. That's like 3 hours or so||
Nsfw again

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||Boxers are ruined to say the least|| nsfw lol

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Rayas now sleeping and getting rest ||after doing me||

frank ledge Sep 6, 2025, 12:44 AM

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frank ledge We had gone back to her apartment... I offered to give her some jewelry of mine ...

||It worked good.. like a performance enhancer or some thing||

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Was nice of her to buy me a new pair of kicks... I'm turning 22 this month.
So...

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||Di ck put her to sleep for a bit|| nsfw adults only

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||Bam Bam Bam, y'know?|| Lol

frank ledge Sep 6, 2025, 1:04 AM

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frank ledge Was nice of her to buy me a new pair of kicks... I'm turning 22 this month. So....

Gonna have to edit the title of the forum post soom

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Yep, 22 and 44

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||In all of it's hair grabbing and sweat|| sexual ish

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Shes out like a light

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My new shoes are fucking sweet

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She got us two coffee energy drinks before we got to her place

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Dating, and having a girlfriend is cool, cause you're treating each other for 2 people, instead of just yourself
We share food, drinks, and that

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She set an alarm to wake up for 9, which is... now, and she shut it off and went back to sleep lmao

frank ledge Sep 6, 2025, 1:15 AM

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frank ledge My new shoes are fucking sweet

||There goes my appreciation, for spending that money on me, using my body to tell her I like that||

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But I do feel my night, wasting away a bit, like she's asleep and I'm still awake, chilling on her couch, y'know

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I let her sleep. I could wake her up if I wanted but what kinda guy would I be to get in the way of that

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I'm patient... and maybe just a bit bored

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I have this uh, other girl... from my school campus. Messaging me through social media, asking if she can get to know me better. She sits next to me on my left in my first block or class of the day.

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I've been hesitant or holding off on texting her, making her wait days before I respond, just out of respect of my girlfriend... and this is the same girl who threatened to beat up Raya because apparently she likes me more than just a friend. A girl that has a "crush" on me. I'm thinking of how to tell Raya this girls slid herself into being a friend of mine at school now. I bet it won't go over well.

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I'm not a cheater, Raya said I could have friends yeah... even if they're girls. But this one? Mm, I don't think so. After threatening my girlfriend, which made Raya angry enough in the past to bring tears to Rayas face.

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I mean, she sits right beside me in my class at school. How could I not make friends? It's just a coincidence that, girl who's liked me since a few semesters ago got a seat right next to me for the next months ahead.

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Imma pretty extroverted guy, too. I'll chat up anyone around me. This girl who has a crush on me or whatever, is 23 years old.

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I'm thinking of telling her, I got a girlfriend, but that her and I can be friends, none else. She will probably shoot me a look of jealousy, and immediately ask who, and I'll have to slyly avoid telling her who Im dating directly. Because she really does not like my girlfriend, Raya.

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I have loads of loyalty, I cut off 2 other chicks for this one. Okay?

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Eating some of her food, or whatever

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This chicks so skinny too

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Like I got some meat on my bones, I'm in shape

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Vigorous lol

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In comparison to her little thin flimsy frame

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Scared to put too much weight on her or crush er

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Might have to wake this broad up, I ain't sleeping at 9 PM. Millennial ahh bedtime

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No person under 30 years old sleeps that early

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||Been pounding this girls guts in every weekend and it's pretty good|| nsfw, lol

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Vaping all up in this chicks apartment

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About that, my gf replaced cigs with a vape recently and good on her for that

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I'm proud of her

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Could tell, her aroma, smells better, than when she used to smoke

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Might've played a part in convincing her to vape and switch to a lighter addiction instead haha

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Yep, im good for the girls mental health

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and uhh physical health
lol

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When that reaching menopause

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bahaha

frank ledge Sep 6, 2025, 3:57 AM

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It's 12 AM, Midnight and I'm feeling tired but, uh, my girlfriend's been sleeping since 9.

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She's gotten 3 hours in, meanwhile I'm still up. Doing whatever. Bored out of my mind. Would rather be at my folks place. She's just keeping me trapped here, in her small humid apartment. A guys barely getting oxygen in here. How can she sleep in these conditions.

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I'm playing shitty trap music. In the least comfortable clothes ever. While she's sleeping the night away.

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I went to sleep at like, 4 AM yesterday night.

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My current problem is this girls sleep schedule and mine.

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I've had the worst headache ever on top of that.

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What the fuck am I supposed to do when my girlfriends sleeping, at her apartment? I dunno.

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I have some weed on me but I don't really feel like getting that type of high right now.

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I can tell Rayas a bit childish. She doesn't really know how to take care of an apartment, her resources, she lets things go. Or maybe lacks a bit of common sense at times too. But I deal with it

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It's like, what am I supposed to do? Wait for her to be awake? This girls about to be knocked out until like, 6 in the morning I bet. And I'll have not slept a wink.

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This girl doesn't even know how to use a fridge. She lets food and drinks sit out for hours and days. I should ask her, do you know what a fridge is. Hahaha. Do you know what that's used for, Raya?

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Better to let some things chill, babydoll, it seems you're not well acquainted with modern technology

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This must be a consequence of the age gap

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Her collection of coloring books sprawled out around her apartment... Now I ain't judging, but a very uhh... Childlike hobby mah dear

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Some kids pictures... some more mature mandalas, animals, typa' thing you'd buy for a kid.

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The thing is, I couldn't complete coloring a page in one of her books even if it meant life or death for me. It takes a long ass time to actually finish one of those sheets.

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Who the hell has time to do that. It takes forever.

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Whatever, it's just art... if she was a painter I wouldn't be saying this.

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Fucking anyways, lol

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I'm smoking a joint on her balcony

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||I can't believe this chick completely knocked out after I fucked her|| NSFW

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||Well that's happened before with my other gfs too||

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The sky looks beautiful tonight

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Smoking weed and it's doing the trick

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Sorry I can be vulgar sometimes on this forum post, I guess

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If you're hella young I suggest not reading too much into this forum because I talk about doing bad shit

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Not gonna lie I'm turning 22 soon and there's teenagers I just know that are friends of me

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I've been ranting on here just now, about

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My gf that is sleeping right now

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and I'm not

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I don't know, I had sex with her, ||I don't keep track of the hours or anything.||
Sleeping is a need I guess.
But having her awake? With me right now, would make me feel good emotionally

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I remember yesterday, that night I had a nightmare of being randomly touched sexually by people I don't want to be

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I texted the server about it and was mispeling a lotta stuff

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Because drugs were still in my body after doing them a lot,
and a bad result of that is shallower breathing, irregular heartbeat, overheating or weird temperature

frank ledge Sep 6, 2025, 4:44 AM

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frank ledge I remember yesterday, that night I had a nightmare of being randomly touched sex...

This has happened to me before in the past, outside of that dream I had yesterday

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I'd rather not talk about it

frank ledge Sep 6, 2025, 4:46 AM

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frank ledge Because drugs were still in my body after doing them a lot, and a bad result of...

Ive been experiencing all of those

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I'm calling it a nightmare not a fucking dream i d g a f

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Ones sunshines and rainbows, the others doom and gloom

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No, I don't like to mention my schizophrenia much

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Im like everybody else

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I just know the dream I had was a bad vision I had

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it was "sexual" but bad

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Moving on

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I bet Raya's swooping through everything in my bag right now and messing it all up,
Just to have me not notice a difference in how it was placed, at all.

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Like de-organizing mah stuff

frank ledge Sep 6, 2025, 4:36 PM

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Well it's the morning...

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Saturday, September 6th
12 PM
Raya, my gf

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I managed to get some sleep last night, and I got lots. That was nice

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Now Raya and I are going out to get something to eat for "brunch" people call it

frank ledge Sep 6, 2025, 4:58 PM

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Yep

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She buying some water and wings for us

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Then we're gonna go see a movie at a theatre

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I can tell Raya wants access to this uh journal of mine, hahaha

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||Didn't notice but I left marks all over her neck from last night by accident|| NSFW

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Damn

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I love how clingy she is

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Like tries to pull me closer or against her

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Just some affection

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Physically needy haha

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||I'm sore down there from all the sex I had|| nsfw

frank ledge Sep 7, 2025, 12:18 AM

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It's 8 PM, Sat
Raya
Her and I went to the movies, ate some popcorn. We smoked a joint beforehand. Hard not to eat it all before the movie even fucking starts. Drank a liter of soda. Movie sucked, so we left early. Noticed I left hickeys all over her neck. We got some coffee energy drinks before crashing out in her apartment bed and sleeping after the weed we smoked that took us out.

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She bought 3 different coffees, lol
Aside from 2 being energy drinks too, I started one of them while she's still sleepin

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At the movie theater, I was digging into some twizzlers & coca cola, before almost falling asleep right then and there

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Family's texting me, asking, where the hell have you been?

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Eating some, twisty, tangly, candy is where I've been

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Fucking up this coffee/energy drink on her sofa with my feet up

frank ledge Sep 7, 2025, 12:39 AM

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Should tell er,
Sorry, didn't mean to bite cha

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Grin

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Her and I went to a pub before tha movie too. She got us some beers. Spicy wings and fries. Was a nice night

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nsfw warning, ||got my jeans undone, girls tryna pull me into round 4 lol||

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all that coffee and candy got my head spinning

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The typa' jeans I'm wearing are err black, and they got two big rips or holes at the knees
They called, knee cut jeans I think

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I've got a sleeveless shirt on that got sum graffiti design on it

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I hand ripped the fadey black jeans myself

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Listening to the artist, Two Feet in er apartment while she sleeping
Tha song, "Fire"

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I like Two Feets albums, Max Maco is dead right, A 20 something Fuck, Pink

frank ledge Sep 7, 2025, 3:12 AM

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It's 11 PM on Saturday
I told Raya I should get going to be back at my folks place for midnight.
She didn't like that, she got pretty angry at me fast. She got up from the bed in a hurry, and started cussing at me.
"What the fuck do you mean you have to be back for midnight? I thought you meant 12 in the morning." Angry, with need, and want for me to stay longer.
My jaw hung open a bit, in surprise or shock, in the, partied-too-much-kinda-way, keeping in mind that suddenly she's become bothered emotionally and that I have to calm her. Before she rushes out her bedroom, and takes a cigarette out with her on her apartment balcony. She burns through it fast. I tug my clothes back on and follow her out. Tell her that we have weekends we can still hangout, and that I should be there for my family and their health.
I told her that I have somewhere important to be on Sunday, and that's true, I have some family that may be passing away soon and I have to visit the hospital."You tell a friend or family to come fucking pick you up, because you didn't tell me midnight tonight, you said 12 in the morning for Sunday. Or I'll just fucking drive you to the hospital myself next morning to see them." She was tired, and said she may not make it back to her place or that she'll have to sleep in her car somewhere instead of driving herself home. I felt bad.

#

I told her I have to be at the hospital for 9 AM, meaning we'd have to leave to be there pretty early. I hope my girlfriend makes it to her place safe, and that she doesn't have to sleep on the road tonight.

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I could sense some possessiveness rush through her, and radiate off her, I can read people emotionally and energetically like that. Before I told her I wanted to leave her place, being next to her and catching up on sleep with her seemed to be an emotional need of hers at the time and I tried to give her that for the night. But I have a feeling it wasn't enough, since I wanted to leave, to get ready to visit some family in a hospital.

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She asked if I wanted to try again, to do the deed before we leave, and I turned down another round.
This is NSFW ||but uhh, hell no, just so she can hate fuck me for not staying longer? Haha, I don't think so. After she cusses at me like that. All aggressive suddenly.||

#

NSFW
||Yeah, my girl can get a bit rough sometimes. To where she compliments me on how strong I am, from having to hold her back or off of me when she's doing me too fast or hard. Needy lil thang. Gr.||

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Much as it seemed a tad toxic, it's just her angry, and I tried to reassure her. Tell her we'll see each other next weekend, that I care about her, and it's true. I genuinely do.

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But... Yeah... Long story short, my girlfriend is angry as hell I can't stay over her place for another day.

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I know Raya realizes and appreciates that I'm more emotionally cool, when others aren't. I didn't start shouting back or cussing too, or else she would've really blown a fuse. I know she has anger issues too. Like as she was driving me to my place, she almost broke her phone from how angry she was in the moment. That's why I'm a healthy partner to have.

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I dunno why, but uhh, imma bit giddy seeing her all hot and bothered like that over me leaving sooner. Haha. Bad of me, I know. The cigarette she had, shit. That was a small relapse for her. Since she's trying to quit and replaced it with the vape instead.

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I left one of my bracelets at her apartment that I think she overlooked. Giving her back a gift too.

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I remember one of the first questions my aunt or parent figure asked me when she was interested in me and Raya's relationship was, "Does she speak to you aggressively?" and I answered no. However this situation shows otherwise, but it's naive and unfair to expect people to be cool headed at all times. People get mad, and that's ok.

frank ledge Sep 7, 2025, 8:06 AM

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It's 4 AM.
Not gonna lie.
My girlfriend is questionable. Her drug use is seriously concerning. She looks danced to death. But I'm also unsure how long this lady's gonna be kept around me in my life. How she affects me. She's worn thin.

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Her drug habits are horrible. Then I realize you don't have to be an addict to constantly use drugs, but at the same time, if you're constantly using then you've gotta be. An addict to pleasure, highs, euphoria, feelings of ecstasy.

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Yeah, I see addiction in her.

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Then I peel back the layers of addiction, and I see a lonelier person, that's ruined themselves over time with it, for the sake of fun, solving boredom, experimenting, hedonism, all of it.

#My girl problems, M22

MIAMI TO IBIZIA