am I overreacting?

[cinder mason]

It could be that he can't break an old habit he has ,to get excitement from these viseos or images, just because of the relationship with you and your request from him.
Specific habits take time to change, many factors are involved, and they are entangled in web of interrelated habits and motivations.
Your request from him is valid on one aspect but full of hidden meanings on other levels of your romantic life.
I see there is miscommunication between you both as to the relevancy ,of your requests, to your specific relationship, it feels like you don't talk directly and that you have cross purposes.
I don't think that just seeing images of women, intentionally, means that he wants a relationship that will be non-monogamous.
Do you think that attraction beget action automatically?
You can DM if you find my approach applicable to some extent

[crimson badge]

that makes sense. well i stopped talking with him about that stuff, because if i do i just get so angry at him. and he doesn't really want to talk about it. he said he'd work on it and i want to trust him, but i'm just scared he hides some things.

he also admitted that he came to other women and fantasized about other women during the act. it just kinda broke my trust. i don't think he wants any romantic relationship with other women, but he'd do physical stuff, if i allowed to. i worry that if he had a chance, he'd take it. like he lacks self control...

[olive saddle]

he might not tell you directly why he does that.. how about trying to spill that out by talking to his friends? he must be so open with his friends

[cinder mason]

Non-monogamy doesn't equal polyamory, and it doesn't equal physical interest in other women in certain settings. You don't agree on the scenario that is ongoing as a result of his digital activity and fantasies , you have two different ones, and they are rn incomptabile to the point you don't have the language to agree about expectations. What did hurt you he use fantasy about other women during sex with you?
I think he should be appreciated for being honest with you, this can open the erotic realm for both of you to have a constructive talk.

[cinder mason]

Talking behind his back without his consent can make things worse.

[crimson badge]

he keeps everything about us private i think. well he had a corn addiction, so it's hard to get away from it i guess

[cinder mason]

Corn addiction? What do you mean?

[crimson badge]

p0rn

[cinder mason]

P0rn indeed. This is like in the series the Good place, you can't say certain words aloud🤣🤔

[olive saddle]

he must be suffering by himself rn

[olive saddle]

what did you thought of initially?

[cinder mason]

If he has this addiction, then he search in this relationship other aspects than what you imagine, it is not just about regular love or intimacy

[cinder mason]

I don't know...maybe something about food🤣

[crimson badge]

i always offer support, he just chooses not to talk to me i guess. probably because he knows how much it hurts me. and i guess, me knowing less hurts our relationship less

[cinder mason]

If you could speak openly about desires regarding p0rn, this can advance the conversation, from being judgmental to sort or safe space, while without full acceptance, as you have your own fears

[olive saddle]

you could directly tell him, like, i know everything and i'll help you to get out of this but you need to be honest with me

[cinder mason]

In the long term the hurt and pain will accumulate, addiction can't go away without a process of treatment, and the more he doesn't face it directly the more your relationship will be impacted directly and indirectly by the dynamics of the addiction

[olive saddle]

P0rn is the most terrible industry ever

[crimson badge]

true

[cinder mason]

How does this comment help @crimson badge ?

[olive saddle]

doesn't and i ain't here to provide solutions tbh

[crimson badge]

doesn't help but it's a true fact

[cinder mason]

Your partner doesn't act from moral attitude about this industry, I don't think he approve it or against it and it doesn't matter so much in the larger picture, he is in need, and it will be more beneficial to belive the needs instead of judging the industry

[olive saddle]

her bf prob didn't see any visible growth in himself yet, which makes him feel corn is the best escape from all this stress

[crimson badge]

yes. i think he feels like help won't do anything. like he stays the same forever. eventhough he says that he wants to change

[olive saddle]

he wants to change means he has the desire but he thinks it is too difficult

[cinder mason]

This is just an assumption, @crimson badge can tell us more accurate things about the possible reasons that predated his addiction

[crimson badge]

absolutely i think so too

[olive saddle]

"Your partner doesn't act from moral attitude about this industry" so true

[crimson badge]

[olive saddle]

you both can start working out together, going to gym.. keep him pushing and tell him to push you too

[cinder mason]

Morality doesn't matter to addiction, motality is in court, not in real life

[olive saddle]

i am sure he'll soon be demotivated but you have to push him

to change him

[crimson badge]

we tried that once, but got lazy after a month

[olive saddle]

when he sees visible growth in him, it'll change him slowly

[cinder mason]

Push him where?
Gym is not a solution for addiction

[olive saddle]

if a person experience real growth, he'll stop chasing cheap dopamine hits

seeing urself getting better hits hard

[cinder mason]

This formula is not straightforward, the wounds that caused the addiction should be addressed as part of the process

[olive saddle]

in most cases, there ain't any wounds

[cinder mason]

I don't think so

[olive saddle]

it gives a too much dopamine

that's the point

he doesn't want corn, he wants dopamine

pleasure

[cinder mason]

The dopamine of Gym can't in the short term compete with the amount of dopamine with P0rn.

[olive saddle]

yes, that's exactly why most ppl are stuck

[cinder mason]

@crimson badge where do you stand in this discussion?

[olive saddle]

real dopamine feels much much much better than cheap and fake ones

he hasn't yet discovered the pleasure from the real thing

[cinder mason]

There is no distinction as fake and real dopamine, there is indeed a difference between inner and external motivation to get it

The human body doesn't switch gears from external to internal so quickly. This is why the gym experiment they did didn't deliver itself as they expected

[olive saddle]

real dopamine is released through meaningful activities (e.g. exercise, social connection, goal achievement)

fake dopamine is triggered by instant gratification (e.g. junk food, social media, drugs)

[cinder mason]

This distinction , even @crimson badge will accept it, doesn't explain the triggers of the addiction and the mechanisms that assist it to continue

I am waiting for @crimson badge to join the discussion

To advance this topic about the correct context for our assumptions

[olive saddle]

like yeah sure, addiction has layers… but at the end of the day, if someone keeps doing stuff that makes their partner feel disrespected or insecure, and they keep brushing it off?

that’s not some deep misunderstanding. that’s just not showing up properly in a relationship.

[cinder mason]

Her partner his conflicted. lt doesn't help venessa that you judge him. Social expectations don't help addicted people in relationships, they can add more stress rather than give any clarity of path forward

[olive saddle]

and this whole “fantasy during sex” thing? i get being open about desires and whatever, but if it’s hurting her and she didn’t consent to being mentally replaced mid-act?? idk that just doesn’t sit right. it’s not about being judgemental, it’s about basic emotional safety.

[cinder mason]

Only she can say what is emotionally safe for her. She is absent here , so there is no point to continue this discussion

[olive saddle]

true, only she can decide what’s safe for her