terse geyser Aug 27, 2025, 8:13 PM

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Failed friendships

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Don't bring me back to those brain

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Everything I missed out on and could've had

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I bet that's what people think of on their death bed

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Scary

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Bro the drugs I've been doing recently

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I'm about to sob my eyes out

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Death is close to me

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And then I see kids in this server talking about how they're taking pills and they're sometimes mild painkillers like Advil and they're taking whole bottles to commit suicide

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Then I look at the shit I have my hands on, enough drugs to kill an elephant

terse geyser Aug 28, 2025, 3:56 AM

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I hate my school so much

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They undergrade me

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They give me less than I deserve

terse geyser Aug 29, 2025, 7:31 PM

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Man this school shits boring get me the fuck out of here

terse geyser Aug 30, 2025, 8:16 AM

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Yeah

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Hello

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It is me, Again

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Jake

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This person

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Whoever the hell who there cares

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Right now I'm glad to be alive

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Because

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||I did some drugs||

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||The drugs I did got me really fucked up||

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||I've been trying to survive this high for the past 5 hours||

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Had a flicky consciousness

terse geyser Aug 30, 2025, 7:08 PM

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I did a lot of ||drugs|| last night I can't even cap

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That was intense as hell

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I've been trying to get out of my own head after doing them I guess

terse geyser Aug 30, 2025, 7:09 PM

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terse geyser It is me, Again

I was so high here

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Like blasted

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hamster

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Pupils were out of this world

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I was fucking crossfaded off ||cokaine and magic shrooms||

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I couldn't even feel mu freaking jaw my tongue my teeth my head

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It felt like I had lost sense of where my body and head entirely was like I was just a ball of energy floating around in the air

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Fucking levitating around man

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That was craaaaazyyyyyyyyy

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The world looked like magnetic sand

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Like everything just brushing off of each other and the liveliness of energy in certain things

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I can't even think straight right now

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I'm so messed up

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Feels like I'm hungover

terse geyser Aug 30, 2025, 7:34 PM

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Just gonna vent about my school problems

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And well

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I belong to this little run down school and it's ghetto

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It's not a good place to be a part of

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I miss the summer and the beaches already

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Wish it would last forever

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Like the hot sun on your skin

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Feels so nice

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You can feel it take your energy from you

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Love beaches

terse geyser Aug 31, 2025, 10:41 AM

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There's some times where I feel Soo bad for myself

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Like I've gone so far down a certain path and I don't know where it ends or how to stop

terse geyser Sep 2, 2025, 4:40 AM

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Alright so

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I recently did something

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And it's making me anxious

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This is adult only

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||I was at a bar, and was buying drugs with my girlfriend||

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||We were buying blow, and I did something that was a bit stupid in front of the dealer selling it to us. I had gripped some brass knuckles that I had deep into my pocket and it showed the outline of them through the jeans I was wearing.||

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||That was dumb of me. And I sort of did it without thinking in the moment to adjust what was in my pockets, not to intimidate him. But my gf and I look like sketchy people to begin with, and I fear it might've scared the guy.||

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||The next week we went to go buy coke from this same dealer, he took a long ass time to give us our stuff. Maybe like 20 minutes of waiting around to pass us a bag. I can tell the dealer was timid. I hope I didn't scare him from selling to my girlfriend and I, is all I'm saying.
It wasn't a street friendly gesture to make, definitely makes me grit my teeth together to think about. I don't wanna make a coke dealer think I'm going to jump him, beat him, or use those knuckle dusters on him in any way. I hope he overlooked that||

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All these spoilers above contain context about hard drugs for recreational use, that are being bought in an adult only environment.

terse geyser Sep 2, 2025, 5:10 AM

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I also mention a weapon, brass knuckles.
Something I carry on me sometimes

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and what's with the pink hearts people... making my forum post look all girly

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Jk I don't mind lol

terse geyser Sep 2, 2025, 7:50 PM

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Somebody tell me why at school

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I have a fucking quiz and it's like the second week

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I've only been here for two fucking days

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I don't know shit

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Like bitch

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I'm cooked

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I don't know how much studying I can squeeze in because I'm tryna go to MMA

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Like sorry but I need that sorta gym

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I'm walking to my car now to leave this fucking circus called college

terse geyser Sep 3, 2025, 1:24 AM

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Just searched all those math questions up on the worksheet and put down what Google said

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It issss what it issss

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Expecting me to work at the teachers pace

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And of course they explain that shit in the most over complicated way they possibly can

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As if it's not already hard as fuck to comprehend it when it's explained step by step thoroughly

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Like come the fuck on

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I just know school tomorrow is gonna be hell and I'm failing all that shit

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Feeling EMPTY INSIDE TODAY.

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VERY EMPTY SUDDENLY

terse geyser Sep 3, 2025, 5:58 AM

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I'm going to the fucking eye doctor tomorrow

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I'm gonna have to get glasses

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Finally

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Much as I hate the sound of that

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It will be a necessity

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Gonna get those oversized ones that all the nerdy hot girls wear

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Or if I could get contacts might do that instead. Hides the pupils, perfect

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My eyesight is so crap

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I squint at everything within 5 meters of me

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I see doubles, mistake letters, all of it's a blur. Apparently vision gets worse over time if you don't get glasses too

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Been waiting fucking years for this moment

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I can feel the relief and privilege from here

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Like oh nice I can see

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I haven't been seeing for years

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I hope I don't need some big ass coke bottles over my eyes

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My girlfriend has glasses too

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The luxury is actually real

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My parent figures were NEVER willing to pay for glasses for me and never believed me when I said I can't see

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And yeah I'm gonna say that's neglectful of them

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They see glasses as a weakness I swear

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The damage is done

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You family fucks never cared about me that much to chip in and now look at me

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The problem is, I can't look back at you

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Because my vision is blurry as shit

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All that bullshit I just studied I have already forgotten about

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The beauty of hard work

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It just passed my mind

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About those acting schools I am expelled from

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I am literally forced to abandon that hobby and passion

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Because all of those petty assholes that work there

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That have kicked me out for little to no reason

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Fuck them all

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I was the best actor up in them

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I have a feeling... I'll be back though... Like they'll let me back in

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It's just..months, and months, on months of suspension.

terse geyser Sep 3, 2025, 11:49 PM

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Guess who needs glasses

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Yea I got to go and see somebody to take an eye exam

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And they told me I need them

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I told the guy, give me the nerdiest largest ones you got and he did not fail to disappoint me and my taste

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No I don't want them rectangular and mature. I want them to be so big that the lens are down to my cheekbones

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I like how the guy selling me the glasses told me, "Those sure do make a statement." LOL

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Yeah the statement is, I can't fucking see, and if I'm going to wear these mothafucking coke bottles then I'm gonna go all out

terse geyser Sep 3, 2025, 11:57 PM

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terse geyser I told the guy, give me the nerdiest largest ones you got and he did not fail to...

He knew exactly what I was talking about...

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I told him it feels like I'm putting on a Halloween costume or some shit like they feel fake LOL and the ones I tried didn't have my prescriptions yet so

terse geyser Sep 4, 2025, 8:08 AM

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Should I sleep tonight or just stay up

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That ||coke|| from last weekend, lasting

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||I swear I did like probably over 15 lines of blow in the span of 3 days||

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Tw mentioning a drug and dosages of it

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||Was there meth in that shit, cause...||

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||I'm up||

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It's probably still affecting me

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You spin my head right round right round when you go down when you go down down

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It's 4 AM right now

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On a Thursday

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My aunt is catching onto my impulsive spending

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She was on the phone with her friend like, "JAKE IS SPENDING TOO MACH OF HIS MONEH. HES BOUGHT A NEW SNAPBACK AND JERSEY AND HE DOESNT NEED THAT."

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Like ya so

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And then I bought some more

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||I'm also sure that my aunt's found her way into my kinks hiding place||

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NSFW funny lol

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||Like stay the fuck out of there or so god help me||

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||I bet she's seen what's in there already and I'm traumatized at the thought of it||

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||The reason why she would look in there is because she's found drugs before in random places of my room and now feels the need to look through every crevice of my room||

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||I bet if I ripped out the fucking floorboards and put my box full of kinky stuff in there, she would still manage to find her way to it||

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||Like seriously keep the fuck out you don't wanna know what I got going on in there it's a circus||

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||And HELL NO I'm not telling any of you
HAHAHAHA||

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||Is that medieval weapons||

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||Stop||

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||What in the tool box||

terse geyser Sep 4, 2025, 2:36 PM

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I got school today and a guy is tired

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Whenever it's Thursday I'm just thinking about the freedom of Friday

terse geyser Sep 4, 2025, 4:17 PM

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Sorry lol im vaping

terse geyser Sep 5, 2025, 6:09 AM

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I'm tired as hell

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It's just about Friday

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We are almost a week into September

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And I needed hours more to finish up my night

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And it ended up being 2 fucking AM in the morning

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The day wasn't long enough clearly

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I got shit to do in the morning too before school

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It's like.... Can a guy catch a break or something

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HamsterStare

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Eyes looking sunken in

terse geyser Sep 5, 2025, 6:32 AM

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terse geyser Whenever it's Thursday I'm just thinking about the freedom of Friday

There is none

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I just got done with my day

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I wish it was like 10 PM instead but it's almost 3 AM

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Like we fr, sobbing, screaming, ripping my hair out

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I can feel the tiredness of tomorrow from here

terse geyser Sep 5, 2025, 6:35 AM

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terse geyser Eyes looking sunken in

nooo

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Skins looking rough too like uhhhh hella texture, looking like sandpaper over here hello

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Bet I could sharpen a freaking knife with the roughness of my skin right now

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Yeah I took a nap today and I woke up with the bedsheet almost all the way off

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Like you're kidding me right

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The workout it takes to fucking fix that is so beyond me right now

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Bedsheet gymnastics

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I could wrap it around me like a blanket that's how loose it is

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God I fucking hate this lmao

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It's actually not that hard alright LOL

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I'm so funny omg ok

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The energy you exert to put a bedsheet on a bed is equivalent to doing backflips I swear

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I'm fucking huffing and puffing after that shit

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And then the other side pops up and you have to go and fix it again

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The poses I be getting into to secure down a bedsheet

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I swear sometimes I end up upside down or on my head it happens

terse geyser Sep 5, 2025, 4:08 PM

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This shit so fucking boring bruh

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I'm at school and dying

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I can't take it

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Get me the fuck out of here

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And yeah I'm vaping all this school can fuck itself

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YHIS IS SO BORING

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BOOOOORRRINGGGGGGGGGGGGGA

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"5 minute break" I don't tHINK SO

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I DONT THINK SO

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I TAKE MANY BREAKS AS I MOTHAFUCKING WANT AND AS LONG AS I WANT

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5 minutes IS LIKE FIVE SECONDS

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OHHH MY GODDDDDD

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IM FALLING BEHIND ON EVERYTHING

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I CANT KEEP UP

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SORRY IM NOT SOME SORT OF FUCKING MATHEMATICIAN LIKE YOU ARE AND CAN SOLVE PROBLEMS IN SECONDS

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They don't even fucking teach you what you need to know they just do it in front of you and expect you to understand every bit of it

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It actually BAFFLES ME, HOW FAST, THIS BITCH IS SOLVING MATH PROBLEMS AT

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LIKE I AM NOT YOU

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SHES DOING IT IN LIKE 2X SPEED

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PLUS I HAD THE WACKIEST NIGHTMARE YESTERDAY AND AM STILL THINKING ABOUT HOW THAT TRAUMATIZED ME /lh /nsrs

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EXCUSE ME WHILE I PULL MY BOXERS UP AFTER PISSING ALL OVER YOUR FLOOR LOL

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EEW WHAYEVER, I KNOW

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JAKE WAS HERE

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SORRY UHH THATS A PART OF MY SCHIZOPHRENIA. POOR DIRECTION. OR AIM.

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LICK IT UP SCHOOL BOARD

terse geyser Sep 6, 2025, 4:58 PM

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A reckless guy

terse geyser Sep 7, 2025, 8:29 AM

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It's 4 AM on Sunday and

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Sigh

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Drugs still in my system that's why I'm up

terse geyser Sep 8, 2025, 6:07 AM

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Lol

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Whenever I come back to this forum my venting funny as shit

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Thanks for the hearts

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Anyway I wanted to vent about school cause it's turning Monday just about now

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I've been struggling this semester with my math and it's not cause the works too hard, it's the quality of teaching that's crap

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The teachers are shit. They're not the best. Because the schools bad too.

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They're unprofessional or whatever, they'll cuss casually, have weird ass rules per class that make you wanna off yourself, teach either too fast or too slow.

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NOT GONNA LIE THIS DISCORD SERVER BEEN THERAPEUTIC AS HELL FOR ME LOLL LIKE I COME HERE WHENEVER I NEED TO VENT AND ITS A GOOD WAY OF WRITING DOWN MY THOUGHTS NGL

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But yeah, schools been sucking for me. I'm a few weeks in and I'm not feeling good about my knowledge in the math I'm doing. Cause of the teacher. She's not good. Nah. Other ppl taking the class don't like it either.

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She also said that 10 people dropped her class in one day. 💀

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LIke yeah no shit, everybody leaving this mfka cause you ask if there's any questions and then move onto the next fucking thing

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Like it literally piss me the hell off bro

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It makes me mad

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Like why the fuck are you asking if there's any questions and not giving us a goddamn second to think or talk

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Can I even have time TO THINK of a question that I wanna ask

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No wonder everybody in that bitch failing LMFAOO I CANT

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PLEASE GOD GIVE ME A MOTHAFUCKING MIRACLE TO PASS THESE EXAMS

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BECAUSE IF GOD ISNT BEHIND IT THEN ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN

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ITS GONNA TAKE, A MIRACLE

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LIKE WHY WE MOVING SO FUCKING FAST

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HALF THE PEOPLE IN THAT CLASS ARE SLOW AS SHIT AND YOU KNOW IT

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SHE MAKING PPL DROPOUT HER TEACHINGS SO BAD, LOLLL

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BTCH I NEED ADDERRAL

#

Like what in the fuck is that teacher on

#

I'm rubbing my temples

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I'm trying to think and plot and plan how I'm gonna pass this semester

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It takes minutes to hours of contemplation

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Like I got to sit and think on it I'm not even playing right now

#

What I gotta do, the motherfucking mental backflips, and psychological somersaults I'll have to put myself thru

#

To pass math class this semester

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As I try to piece together and put an outfit together for the next day at 3 Am

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Because my TIME MANAGEMENT IS AMAYZING

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I have a HEADACHE FROM HERE

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EVEN THOUGH WE FAILING WE ARE STILL GONNA LOOK FLY

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FAILING IN STYLE

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FASHIONABLY LATE

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AND THEY OFFERED ME TUTORING BUT ID HAVE TO SHOW UP 3 HOURS EARLIER THAN WHEN MY CLASS STARTS.

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MY CHOLESTEROL IS RAISING, MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS HIGHER THAN THE CEILING, I AM CHECKING MY PULSE. HOW EARLY IN THE MORNING DO YOU WANT ME TO BE HERE FOR TO CALCULATE A FUCKING SQUARE?!?!?!

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THIS SHIT IS UNBELIEVABLE

#

You know what I MIGHT TAKE IT

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WHY TYE FUCK IS THE TUTORING ONLY AVAILABLE AT THE ASS CRACK OF DAWN, COCKADOODLEDOO

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A 60 PERCENT SHOWS MERCY ON MY SOUL

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I heard the time they were offering tutoring and my heart stopped ON THE SPOT

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MY EARS STARTED RINGING AND I NEARLY FLATLINED

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Joking

#

ALMOST A TRUE STORY.

terse geyser Sep 9, 2025, 4:48 PM

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Rips vape with a teacher in the bathroom

terse geyser Sep 9, 2025, 7:27 PM

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Feeling nicotine sic

#

This is what I get for being a degenerate

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Please God let this be over

#

The dizziness and faintness

#

Lawd have merthy

terse geyser Sep 11, 2025, 12:22 PM

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The thing about

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||coke use||
drugs

#

is that

#

It literally feels like ur constantly panting or gasping for fucking air with each breath u take, weeks after using it, when ur sober again

#

And whenever u blow ur nose with the hella amount of dripping it does there's blood in it

#

Im walking around just doing errands and stuff and I'm just gasping for air casually taking the deepest loudest breaths ever

#

I could literally be making toast and it sounds like I just completed a fucking triathlon

#

Plus I'm having THE WEIRDEST DREAMS EVER OF LIKE FLYING AND SHIT LOL

#

I remember after doing ||meth|| drugs, coffee wasn't working and it made me feel sick, and I almost fainted from ripping my fking vape 💀

terse geyser Sep 11, 2025, 1:14 PM

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I'm pissed the fuck off right now

#

Because a teacher failed me at school and gave me the lowest fucking grades ever

#

You know damn well bitch

#

I am actually infuriated by this shit

#

I wanna walk up to that bitch and say, "You undergraded me. I'm now in a class of people that are working hell of a lot slower than me, and they're not up to my speed at all. I'm barely learning at a pace or in an environment that will help me prosper because I am the fucking smartest one here."

#

I hate it. I hate it so much. I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm holding back a horde of angry emails.

#

BREATHE. RELAX. BREATHE.

#

I AM WALKING UP IN THERE

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EXTRA FUCKING EARLY

#

AND COMPLAINING ABOUT IT

#

AND NO ONE IS STOPPING ME

#

Just broke something

terse geyser Sep 11, 2025, 10:06 PM

#

Feeling sad

#

I'm hot and I'm tired

#

All those drugs I was doing man

#

Just to do them all over again.

#

I feel less healthy. Almost unhealthy. This deep breathing I've been doing. It's literal health issues. Being given to me. That I'm just enabling and living in.

#

I don't know, but I've been feeling intense sadness

#

Like thoughts of not wanting to live or not caring about life anymore because it seems freeing to not have to anymore, since I actually care so much, about what I do. It's tiring

#

I remember when I was off coke my girlfriend bought for us and my jaw was moving side to side so much that I look back on it and think of how sad that was to see myself get, that, high.

#

It also makes me sad to think about how high my girlfriend got me a few days ago this week. Off weed. My eyes were completely red and bloodshot. Like wow

#

She was mad at me that day. I didn't even even put it in my relationship journal, that day.

terse geyser Sep 15, 2025, 3:54 AM

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Just Me

terse geyser Sep 15, 2025, 5:09 AM

#

Soo

#

Ahhh

#

I don't think I'm sleeping tonight

#

I'm nervous that I won't be able to

#

The pink hearts

#

Tuh

#

The hell should I do now

#

Agh

#

My family suspicious of me being on drugs that I am in fact doing

#

LOL

#

Denying hella shit that true

#

CEO of creating trust issues

#

Trust issues incorporations nice to meet you

#

Lies are like skeletons in the closet

#

You hope no one will ever discover them

#

You wanna keep them hidden

faint horizon Sep 15, 2025, 10:36 PM

#

Hello @terse geyser ,

I've spent some time reviewing this journal thread, and a lot of your messages violate our guidelines. As a reminder, this server is full of minors, and as such, alcohol and drug abuse should be kept in the adult channel - which you can receive access to in #adult-info .

I understand you have certain things to vent about, but certain topics just aren't allowed here.

As an alternative, you could always ping the @/listener role in #general-help and ask to speak with an 18+ listener about this. If not, I'd really appreciate if you could avoid these topics continuing in the future. No mentions of Drug Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, etc.

If you have any questions or concerns in regard to this, I urge you to open a ticket in #contact-staff .

Thank you for your understanding on the matter. BunnyHeartHug

terse geyser Sep 16, 2025, 3:29 AM

#

faint horizon Hello <@1248872336912810095> , I've spent some time reviewing this journal thre...

Ok ethyan

terse geyser Sep 18, 2025, 1:27 PM

#

I woke up today and I didn't wanna go to my school but I had to

#

And I while I was walking to school I was crying
I forgot my nicotine at my house
I told my second period teacher I was gonna be leaving early,
Just because
I'm hot, I'm cold, and I'm not doing the best
My wrist is still sprained
I'm tired
I'm having suicidal thoughts
I was thinking about dying
No longer about trying
My nose is dripping
From all the poison I did weeks back

#

I can't wear a happy face
This world has run and worn me out
Everyone fills me with regret and doubt

#

I had to get tutoring and I'm too busy
Sticking out of class, thinking about my 3 expulsions
My failures
Everything that went wrong in my life
How down I am
How angry and irritated I've been with everyone, and it's just getting worse

terse geyser Sep 18, 2025, 10:46 PM

#

Well

#

I hate myself

#

And everyone else around me

#

I'm in the weirdest relationship ever with a girl who's manipulative and odd

#

I'm overwhelmed with everything in my life right now

#

I just fucking hate this point in my life and I don't know what to do

#

I'm so sad with my life

#

I'm not even kidding I wanna kms

#

God this world is so empty

#

I'm so empty inside

terse geyser Sep 18, 2025, 11:22 PM

#

Like Jesus Christ

#

Hurts just to scratch my balls some days

terse geyser Sep 19, 2025, 4:18 PM

#

I got so much fucking homework

#

Likeeee.... I gotta party with my girl this weekend...

#

Not gon lie y'all

#

I think I vaped underneath a security camera

#

At my school

#

If I'm suspended I'm gonna kms

#

Oh my goodness

#

I'm scared y'all

#

I am scareeedduhhh

#

Don't check that shit LMFAOOO

#

UHHH

#

YEP I BEEN SKIPPING HELLA CLASS TIME

#

BE GLAD I MATHAFACKAN SHOWED UP

terse geyser Sep 24, 2025, 11:45 PM

#

Hello

#

It's me

#

I'm irritable, tired, sick, angry.
I'm fucking angry.
I found out my Spanish grade. I was given a 60 percent for my speaking. Fuck. I'm nauseous. And annoyed. I just came back from Judo and kickboxing. Why the fuck you undergrading me for? You goddamn bastard.

#

I deserve better than that. I've been watching fucking telenovelas left and right. Spanish movies here and there.

#

GIVE ME WHAT THE FUCK I DESERVE YOU KNOW? IM STUDYING FUCKING HOURS OF THIS BULLSHIT JUST TO FUCKING PASS AND YOU GIVE ME A FUCKING SIXTY

#

THATS BARELY A PASS YOU FUCKING MANGO

#

IM GONNA FUCKING STRANGLE MY SPANISH TEACHER YOU ACTUAL FUCKING IDIOT

#

YOU ALL WANT TO LOWEE MY FUCKING GRADE EXPONETIONALLY

#

WHAT MORE CAN I FUCKING DO????

#

NOTHING. IVE DONE ALL I CAN. EVERYTHING. HOURS, ON HOURS OF STUDYING, JUST TO HAND ME THAT LOW ASS GRADE LIKE ITS FUCKING NOTHING TO YOU. LIKE IM NOTHING. LIKE YOURE SAYING ALL MY EFFORTS ARE WORTH FUCKING NADDA. FUCK YOU.

#

IM FUCKIBG FURIOUS MAN IM TIRED OF THIS STUPID SHIT, GIVING ME LOW ASS FUCKING GRADES MEANWHILE IM PUTTING ALL MY TIME AND ENERGY INTO PASSING THIS BULLSHIT. YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? IM COMPLAINING MY ASS OFF TO EVERYBODY ABOUT THIS. EVERYONE. ALL YOU FUCKERS ARE GONNA KNOW.

#

I MEAN, WHAT THE FUCK? FUCK YOU. HOW DO YOU EVEN GRADE A LANGUAGE? IM ALMOST FLUENT IN THAT SHIT. FUCK RIGHT OFF

#

I'm trying to relax, but I'm irritable, I'm irritated, I'm underappreciated, ITS FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU KNOW

#

FUCK, MY ANGER IS SO ENTERTAINING TO PEOPLE, IM TREATED LIKE SHIT, PEOPLE TELL ME TO TAKE MEDS I DONT HAVE, IM FUCKING OVERWHELMED, IM ANNOYED

#

FUCKING BULLSHIT

#

I'm trying to calm down

#

I am

#

But I can't

#

It's my birthday on Sunday and who fucking cares, I barely do, I fucking hate everything, I'm in terrible health

terse geyser Sep 25, 2025, 4:52 AM

#

So uhh

#

thanks for the hearts

#

I freaked out there and got angry, yeah

#

I've been feeling really sick throughout the night

#

I'm not feeling good

terse geyser Sep 25, 2025, 12:05 PM

#

Funny how me venting angrily like that got some likes lol

#

I guess it can be funny to watch someone be that brutally honest and in the moment sometimes

#

Everyone who worries about their school grades feels that

#

And yeah for school I am learning Spanish and doing math

terse geyser Sep 25, 2025, 12:06 PM

#

terse geyser THATS BARELY A PASS YOU FUCKING MANGO

LMFAO

#

The guy turns into a mango for a split second

#

But anyways, I woke up today and was feeling like my head was spinning. My mind going in circles at the crack of dawn, my entire house was still and dim without any lights on. I was feeling,
Hopeless.
To say the least,
and I was starting to get some suicidal ideations, because I felt an emotional block of some sort, like I lacked people who showed emotional care for me, and it made me feel hollow and empty inside. I floated around my place, like I was a ghost, lighter than usual, and decided to make a coffee before taking off in my day, because that synthetic energy was much needed before delving into this dark wasteland

#

The anger of yesterday, felt like it had blown away in the wind of last night. But I had a feeling it was yet to turn into self destruction, or a means to escape it/escapism.

#

and yeah... it just makes you feel all so much sicker when you watch a girlfriend of yours, watch you get sick and barely even notice. It's like dying in front of somebody, but they're only focusing on the light in your eyes, but not your outside body that's deteriorating in health.

#

I manage to make it to school, everyday. I remember talking to a group of guys, my friends, that were also talking about some destructive and risky habits for the purpose of hedonism. I was asking myself why we do it to ourselves, and it's because...
We have a mid school, mid jobs, mid lives, everything, mid, mid life. It all feels so bland and talentless. Not being famous.

#

My school grades started to take blows to my confidence and I could feel my care for it slipping, or reducing, and all I could do is tirelessly, try, and try, and never stop trying, even if I fail when I'm giving it my most. Because I'd regret not giving it my 100%, even if the school sees it as well below a 50%

#

And as I said... I've been sick for maybe 6 days now. Or 7.

#

I'm losing count of my runny nose, how many tissues I've used that are piling up in my backgrounds, my aching body that I overexert and accidentally abuse during MMA, how deep my under eyes sink in, how much weight I've lost, this is just my quality of living at the moment

#

and this coughing, feels like suffocation, like drowning, like I have no oxygen, or my body's rejecting it

#

I wish I could tell the school I go to, please let me graduate from here, I don't know what about me makes you wanna keep me here longer than others, what makes me stand out or strike you as different but I want a nice academy to belong to, not this circus show of teachers that cuss and insult it's students, I go every fucking day, raise my grades

#

I was tempted to email or phone call that teacher who gave me the 60 percent, "What? 60 percent all you can give?"
"Feeling kind with the 60 percent?"
"So, what does a 70, 80, 90, and 100 look like?"
"What made that a 60?"
But my family told me not to, and I may have to listen to them for just this once, something I don't do often as I should.
I've been feeling angry, shouldn't people know I've been angry? Disappointed? Deserving of more? I know how well I speak a fucking language, alright. More than anyone else can judge.

#

"Was one less word of Spanish a 59 percent?"

#

Like, seriously, how the fuck can you even grade a 5 minute conversation. Fuck you.

#

You know I had a funny thought, in the males restroom they have one working sink out of like 4. And it pisses me off. Imagine I just stepped up there and kicked the shit out of the 1 that works, until it breaks. THERE. NOW FIX THE REST OF THEM, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES

#

You know the thought of that has me walking around with a big ass smile on my face. Thought made my morning, actually.

#

Just dosing myself with enough caffeine and nicotine that can kill a zoo elephant before heading off to my self-decided tutoring.

#

And fuck, the teacher that was supposed to tutor me is busy and can't this morning. I woke up this early for nothing.

#

Waste of my fucking time. I'm sick, recovering from a sprained wrist, just to show up, and get nothing

#

I remember waking up and thinking I don't own enough sweatpants before heading off to school.

#

Got me feeling fancy as fuck showing up to this shit hole wearing jeans

terse geyser Sep 25, 2025, 1:44 PM

#

I WAS ABLE TO ENROL IN THE CLASS ABOVE THAT ONE

#

BECAUSE I PASSED THAT SHITTY SPANISH ORAL WITH A 60

#

NEXT SEMESTER COULD BE MY GRADUATION

terse geyser Sep 29, 2025, 7:28 PM

#

It's September 29 and

#

I just bought 30 monster energy drinks with money people gave me for my birthday

#

This is a good vent

#

LMAO

terse geyser Sep 30, 2025, 1:38 PM

#

Soooo

#

I forgot to bring my vape with me to school today

#

Not only that but I got like 3 hours of sleep last night

#

I regret not bringing a 2nd energy drink with me to school cause I've had one already

#

My biggest mistake yet

#

I feel like crap already for not having nicotine in my system for these next few hours

#

I'm hoping that my friend circle shows up and starts lighting up, y'know what, so I can get hits of whatever they've got.

#

It's also cold as shit outside and I'm stuck out here doing nothing because I showed up to school so early today

#

Miss my vape already I MISS YOU S MUCH SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY

#

I'm JK but fq I'm not used to not having it with me

#

If somebody doesn't show up with something I can ruin my lungs with

#

Id like to ask God respectively to blow the planet up immediately

#

Just blow it up

terse geyser Sep 30, 2025, 9:17 PM

#

You know I uhhh

#

On a less funny note. Alright cut the funny crap for a second.
I know how lighthearted this journal may come off, but... I have hard lows sometimes

#

Like I recently took some pictures of myself today on September 30 and I'm noticing the physical differences in myself and some change. Maybe some darker circles around my eyes, deprivation of sorts, a lack of something. But what I noticed in my eyes when I crop out the rest of my face except that is these black intense eyes staring back at me in the picture I took, and they're sharp and brutal, the eyes are bold and they are some form of manic, they're willing to do anything, there's a tinge of fearless in them, and seeing myself like that is almost a worrying self image and interpretation ain't it

#

Y'know like, your eyes are your lights. They show a lot. Eyes are an entire language, they can speak so much for you.

#

Mine look sort of deranged, and I do it to myself

#

And I mean, my eyes are so dark brown that in most lights people think they're black, but there's no such thing, there's no color darker or dark as the pupil, but my color blends into that as entirely one

#

Ahh, there's so many sides to myself. But I hate seeing the crazy old me in my eyes. He's a different part of me. The brain damaged part of me

#

In most pictures, you can't see the separation of the color of my eye and the pupil.

#

People's eyes also lighten with age because of the sun but mine? Not much

#

To go with my brown hair that has also been dark enough to where people think it's also black, but that was when I was younger. Now you can tell my hairs brown and not black, because I am out and about constantly and did a few years of surfing, I have some blonder hairs from that

#

Honestly, looking into my own eyes is a scary experience. I can't look for too long, I start making myself itch and freaked out. Blah.
The fact a teacher at school pulled me out of school once because of how intense my stare was just goes to show I'm not just trying to be edgy or different but my eyes can actually be too intense or focused at times, and others around me call me out on that

#

Definitely look like I have a staring problem at times but I've trained myself to give smarter eye contact that's a lot less awkward, controlled, and planned

terse geyser Oct 7, 2025, 9:19 PM

#

Sometimes I love my crappy little school

#

Everyone there is messed up as fuck

#

No one in there is normal

terse geyser Oct 9, 2025, 7:13 AM

#

You know I had a teacher from my school

#

Recently call me abrasive

#

Like

#

What the fuck are you talking about bitch

#

I was sitting in class quietly after ripping a weed pen during break fuck off and let me vibe

#

Imma show you abrasive bitch

#

No like seriously and I didn't even speak to anyone for the whole day

#

I HAD TO SEARCH UP WHAT ABRASIVE MEANT ON GOOGLE DAYS AFYER LMFAOOO LIKE WHAT

#

I JUST... I..... PLEASE.....

#

I SEARCHED UP THE WORD ABRASIVE AND IT LINKS UP TO NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER

#

NOOOOOOOOO GET THE FUCK BACK

#

THIS FUCKING TEACHER

#

HOW WHAT

#

I DIDNT DO ANYTHING

#

CAN YOU LET ME GET STONED I JUST SPRAINED MY FUCKING WRIST A DAY AGO YOU STUPID ASS BITCH

#

just UH -PROVES HER RIGHT-

#

YEAH FUCK YOU

#

WHY DOES LOW EMPATHY COME UP WITH HEAVILY OPINIONATED AND LOW EMOTIONAL INTELIGENCE

#

I AM FLIPPING, THE, FUCK, OUT.

#

WHY DID SHE CALL ME ABRASIVE IN FRONT OF A WHLE FUCKING CLASS

#

CONSTANT CONFLICT??? BITCH

#

WHAT THEEEE FUCKKKKKKKK

#

HARSH AND BLUNT!??!? YEA YOU RIGHT I FUCKING AM

#

WHAT GHE FUCK U MEAN THRIVES ON NEGATIVE RESPONSES

#

BITCH U GIVING ME A NEGATIVE RESPONSE AND NEGATIVE FEEDBACK AND ALL THAT

#

I SIMPLY......... CANT

#

THRILL FROM CONFLICT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT LADY

#

WHY AM I BEING INTERPRETED AS THAT

#

IM BRINGING THAT SHIT UP

#

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE

#

Excuse me, what did you mean by I was acting ABRASIVE. That word is very negative and unlike me. Describe abrasiveness in my behavior.

#

ERMM YESS I AM INTERPRETING AN ABRASIVE PERSONALIYY TPYPE HERE

#

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SMOKING

#

IM LOSING MY FUCKING SHIT

#

NO

#

"abrasive" I AM ABOUT TO EXPLODE

#

IVE HAD IT

ivory marsh Oct 9, 2025, 4:42 PM

#

Okay @terse geyser let’s not use these terms even if you’re feeling a bit down or you’re joking about it, it still isn’t acceptable. If you aren’t joking about it please refer to #crisis-hotlines . I’m really sorry for you and I understand what you’re going through but please don’t use these terms again

#

00heart

terse geyser Oct 10, 2025, 1:40 AM

#

ivory marsh Okay <@1248872336912810095> let’s not use these terms even if you’re feeling a b...

Sorry, can you tell me what term I was using so that I won't use it again?

ivory marsh Oct 10, 2025, 4:06 AM

#

terse geyser Sorry, can you tell me what term I was using so that I won't use it again?

I’ll dm you the term

terse geyser Oct 10, 2025, 10:49 PM

#

Life is such a surreal place

#

I'll never get over where I've been who I've seen who I've touched what the world's added to me and what it's taken away

#

Sometimes I feel like I can be anything or phase into whatever I'd like

#

But I'll never be able to fully grasp the reasons for why I am this hedonistic and fear seeking spirit

#

This person that I am, and I think it's because of what I did when I was younger, put some chemicals in my brain and was never the same. But was it really that. I remember being 13, and thinking, I want this world in my palm, to do anything and everything I want, I'll get in trouble, I'll lose myself completely one day to the point of no return. Since that age, I mean, 12.. 11... Too... Is when it all begun. Chasing danger, tackling fears if I ever really had any. I remember being so easily intimidated once upon a time but now, hell, I'm desensitized, I'm numb.

#

It's starting to get hard to want a good life for myself. To do good. To be good. To fit in. To be like everyone else. I hate to say, im different, but what if I am? And in the worst ways possible

#

I don't know why I am the way I am. I get scared of myself sometimes. My brain feels like a messed up place, like a chemical reaction has gone wrong in it, a science project that has exploded on itself a long time ago and you're still trying to clean that mess up, but the grounds tainted with a corroding acid that's sunken deep enough to burn the layer that you're standing on.

terse geyser Oct 15, 2025, 3:47 PM

#

YALL IM LOSING IT

#

I REQLLY AM

#

IM AT SCHOOL, MY EXAM THAT DECIDES THE NEXT 8 MONTHS OF MY LIFE AND PHYSICAL BEING IS IN A DAY.

#

IM ANXIOUS, IM NAUSEOUS, IM AFRAID, IM UNCONFIDENT, MY SELF ESTEEM IS AT A LOW

#

I CANT BREATHE RIGHT, IM HATING, IM BORED, I NEED MORE COFFEE

#

HOPE FOR ME

terse geyser Oct 15, 2025, 11:40 PM

#

Gang I have an exam tomorrow

#

LOL

#

IM COOKED

#

IM OVE

#

PULL THE PLUG

#

I SAID PULL THE PLUG. NOW.

#

AGHHHHHHHHHH

#

F@@@@@@@@@@

#

I DONT DVEN KNOW WHAT I NEED IN ORDER TO DO THIS

#

I DONT KNOW WHAT MOTIVATION I COULD POSSIBLY GET FROM ANYONE OR SOMETHING

#

TO DO THIS

#

WATCH ME OPEN MY BOOK AT LIKE 1 AM

#

If God won't do it, it won't get done

#

It's gonna take a m@@@@@@@@@@@@ miracle

#

I am TIRED

#

I NEED A WEED PEN, A COLD COFFEE, A FEW HOURS OF SLEEP

terse geyser Oct 16, 2025, 4:59 AM

#

and for the rest of the night

#

since I sent those msgs

#

I studied my ass off

#

like crazy

#

to where my fingers are sore from the pencil I was GRIPPING

#

THAT IS 5 HOURS

#

OF STUDYING

terse geyser Oct 16, 2025, 11:35 AM

#

Well

#

Usually

#

I don't talk about these thoughts I have

#

And I'm funny lots of times in this journal, idk, my anger can be amusing and it is for me to. To vent healthily, and entertain people at the same time, is nice, to express yourself and still look back and laugh is all I could want

#

But some stuff is bad enough for it to not be funny

#

Some stuff is serious

#

I'm struggling with my mental health right now

#

Holy shit I have to get to school soon

#

Um

#

Time just seems to be flying I guess

#

I just don't feel good, about myself and I'm feeling insecure

#

I didn't sleep all night because I was busy drinking coffee

#

So I'm gonna be tired as hell for school that I'm going to today

#

But it's not even that

#

That is bothering me

#

I don't feel good at all

#

I'm getting so messed up every weekend

#

I go to make myself another coffee

#

Not a wink of sleep

#

None

#

Just to shell shock my system into being awake

#

I was falling asleep and then all of a sudden my sister screams into the crack of my door "JAAAAAAKE IF YOU DONT TAKE THE CAR IN THE NEXT HOUR THEN I AMMMM"

#

Like...

#

I slide my new glasses on

#

Still getting adjusted to them

lean ermine Oct 16, 2025, 2:56 PM

#

obviously i don't know everything about you nor your mental health struggles, so please tell me if i'm out of line, but please be careful man, it's obvious you have a history of mental illness, don't send yourself into psychosis. even if you've never experienced and have the "never experienced it never will" mindset. get sleep abs avoid caffeine (and nicotine/thc/drugs in general, if possible, if not try to limit your use) asap.

terse geyser Oct 16, 2025, 9:07 PM

#

Wish I could listen

#

You're right and I should care about myself more

#

But I keep smoking, I keep vaping, drugs are in my lifestyle, I have never not had THC at my place.. I didn't sleep at all last night

lean ermine Oct 16, 2025, 10:06 PM

#

of course, if i remember correctly you've mentioned addiction problems in the past, and it's alright. it takes time to quit em, but attempt to cut back on them. even slightly. and get some sleep!! do anything to get it!! if that's not possible then all i can do is wish you the best. you seem like a very nice guy and i enjoy hearing about your life through your scattered posts! stay safe man and if you're genuinely struggling please consider getting help! even if it's just the (usually) crappy college counselor!

terse geyser Oct 17, 2025, 7:42 AM

#

I need rest so bad but for some reason I'm struggling to get it

#

I don't feel good about myself, who I am, what I'm doing, I feel very lost actually. I'm less healthy too, from these bad habits

#

I feel mentally tired from my relationship and don't know what to do

#

Ive been trying to find a therapist to talk to

#

I look for mental clarity and fixing but I do not attain

#

Thank you for supporting me. I don't have much people who say that stuff to me, in my life

#

I'm a hedonist and I realize trying to get messed up every weekend does affect your performances elsewhere in life

terse geyser Oct 17, 2025, 8:52 AM

#

I failed my exam

#

Not surprised

#

I don't even wanna show up

#

There is so much anger in me right now that I can't even show it because it would take too much energy

#

I need a cigarette

#

I don't even care where I was wrong I don't wanna know nothing

#

I hate my goddamn life

terse geyser Oct 17, 2025, 9:24 AM

#

I need a joint

#

Both at once

terse geyser Oct 21, 2025, 1:38 AM

#

I'm thinking school isn't for me anymore. I don't wanna be a lawyer, a doctor, a vet, I want the world, I wanna make millions overnight

terse geyser Oct 21, 2025, 11:52 PM

#

Argued with my family for 4 hpurs straight and they didn't let me leave the house and I physically was shoving them and almost fought my way out

terse geyser Oct 22, 2025, 1:09 AM

#

Had a rough night

#

Ngl

terse geyser Oct 25, 2025, 5:20 AM

#

I am struggling with

#

||suicidal ideations||

#

So I'm gonna be talking about depression now

#

Since I feel that way

#

I've been feeling these mood swings of anger and sadness and like ||I don't wanna go on anymore||

#

And I've been reaching lows recently that I haven't been that bad since years

terse geyser Oct 25, 2025, 5:23 AM

#

terse geyser Argued with my family for 4 hpurs straight and they didn't let me leave the hous...

I probably had the worst outburst or breakdown ever on that day

#

Because my aunt and uncle were trying to lock me in my room, they had taken my phone so I couldn't communicate with anyone, when I was getting upset I asked them if I could talk to them when I felt calmer and they yelled at me that I had to talk to them and I wasn't allowed to or else... Uhh.. id get kicked out, and other things they'd do

#

I felt so overwhelmed at that time and it got bad to where I was hyperventilating and Tw ||for self harm||
||I threatened to smash my head in and knock myself out so I didn't have to talk to them. I was thinking of pretending to faint too. I had went and left the house but they told me to go back in, or else, again.||

#

And if you're all asking about what happened and why this is, it's because my aunt and uncle asked for my grades and I told them I failed 2 months of school that I'd have to do over again and then they just kept pressing me about, and they were saying, "Since you're failing school you shouldn't be allowed to leave our place, you shouldn't be allowed to have friends, you shouldn't be doing anything except studying, how does that happen that you're failing?" They were being super condescending and basically saying they'll isolate me from all my friends and the outside world if I don't pass my schooling

#

I remember telling my aunt and uncle how badly I had struggled with school in the past. Like for example I have a permanent scar on the palm of my hand from accidentally stabbing myself with a woodworking object and then I had fainted backwards, woke up visibly shocked after my teacher shook me, and the injury was so bad that it changed the trajectory of growth in my fingers and now parts of one hand is bigger than the other. That day was senior year of highschool, picture day. All meanwhile during that time I was in a psychotic episode that lead me to understanding schizophrenia and my "parent figures" said, "That's nothing, I've heard worse, that's not a valid excuse. That's not valid. Get over it."

#

This argument lasted 4 hours

#

I was yelling hella like, saying oh I'm gonna trash your house, I'm gonna tear my room a part, I'm gonna go to the psych ward today if you don't stop messing with me, you're not my parents

#

And even though a few days has passed since that, I'm feeling more and more, exhausted mentally. Because I was being driven to insanity by these people

#

My aunt also threatened to show up to Raya's apartment and talk to her, and was saying "You don't know what I'm capable of, you don't know what the hell I'm going to do. What I do is none of your damn business." And demanded that I give her Raya's apartment number which I didn't do because I lied about not knowing it

#

And yeah that's all how they said it.

#

I had cried enough that night to where my eyes were vibrant red

#

I remember thinking I was gonna have to spend the night somewhere else

#

And when my uncle went to go to bed I was shouting stuff like, "SWEET DREAMS. NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE IS GETTING SLEEP TONIGHT. NO ONE." and was yelling nonstop "I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired. I don't wanna do anything."

#

I swear to god man I was about to start picking up pots and pans and remaking that one scene from bad grlz club

#

We all know that meme right where it's like I AINT GET NO SLEEP CAUSE OF YALL, YALL AINT GETTING NO SLEEP CAUSE OF ME
LOL

#

But yeah I was just reaching a low that I never reached before

#

And now I realized as I'm trying to go to sleep, I feel this random mixture of paranoia and anxiety with the thought of possibly going to school tomorrow even though it's the weekend. As if my mental state is wired to sense that routine is TIRING me, a lot, and that there is so much pressure on me, to pass

#

At school, both my teachers I see are picking on me. Especially my one from first period, she really doesn't like me and other students see that and they tell me. She's the same person who called me abrasive recently and I confronted her about it and she described a completely different definition like tried to deflect pairing me with this word and painting me as that to everyone else. And this teacher today waved her hand in front of my face in a passive aggressive way, and then took me out and said, "Did you smoke? Because youre very drowsy." I told her I was fine and functioning normally. She is also talking to the security guards about me and telling school security to keep an eye on me just because I asked her to take a walk and process what I just learnt, which took so long for her to "let me to do."

#

Like yes, I have smoked, I ash about 3 cigarettes after your class is over, is that what you want me to say

#

I'm kidding, I didn't say that. But I told her I do smoke cigs and I vape off school property. So do many other students

#

This same teacher, okay, she said out loud to everyone, "Excuse me but it smells strongly in here, so whatever perfume or cologne you're using dile it down a bit because there is such a thing as too much." She glances at me a few times, and suddenly I notice I'm nose-blind but can smell my cologne in the air that I just had put on myself when I walked into the school after taking a few hits of a weed pen. I was slightly embarrassed, yeah. Because I didn't know I smelt that much. I barely ever make this mistake of putting too much cologne on, but of course she had to say something about it and call on me.

#

My teachers been picking on me like crazy. I have a feeling she's trying to run me out of that class. I'm tired of feeling like I have to meet with her after class to make sure there's no tension between her and I. I've argued her strictness so much and said, look some students are disabled and some are neurodivergent and we have to leave class for a moment or we need to be able to go help our needs in the next second instead of accommodating your weird distrust for every damn student here

#

I hate how she waved her hand in front of my face when I was perfectly paying attention, because sometimes my face just looks zoned out but I am in fact focused.
It goes to show that you cannot read my mannerisms meaning you don't even see this quality or trait of me as a student that is actually concentrated, and she's being flat out rude for doing that towards me someone with schizophrenia that hallucinates and can zone out

#

Like sorry but that felt disrespectful as hell. It made me upset. That was more distracting than anything else

#

And it does get to me, that these full grown ass adults, are picking on me, making me look aggressive and rude, making me look like a bad student when I am simply trying my best and trying to also stay healthy and survive their circumstances which are unreasonably strict

#

And it means, they don't like me. My teachers do not like me. Great, y'know, and I'm trying to make them see the good in me

#

I also hate that my eyes are being watched in a way that people want to micromanage what I'm visibly paying attention to??? Like.... Can a guy look elsewhere or wherever he wants, I'm tired

#

And it's literally a part of my schizophrenia, to have staring spells/staring blanks, I was diagnosed with that too, like I'm not gonna appear "all there" EVEN IF I AM, even if I'm paying attention I can look like I'm not

#

LIKE WHY ARE YOU COUNTING EACH TIME I BLINK

#

IM SICK

#

OF

#

IT

#

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO TELL THIS LADY HONESTLY. PLEASE, I REMEMBER ENDING A CONVO WITH THE SECURITU GUARD AND HIM SAYING, "Talk to you later." LIKE?? SORRY?

#

EXCUSE ME? LATER? WHY DO YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME SUDDENLY

#

THEY ARE MONITORING ME LIKE A GODDAMN HAWK AT SCHOOL RIGHT NOW

#

AND IVE BEEN SO FREAKING EXHAUSTED, IVE STARTED FALLING ASLEEP IN MY SPANISH CLASS THATS RIGHT AFTER BECAUSE I DONT EAT FOR THE ENTIRE DAY AND RELY ON 2 ENERGY DRINKS AND A COFFEE INSTEAD

#

AND IVE BEEN LEAVING EARLY TOO BC I CAINT

#

You know my math teacher had also spoken to me and was like, "Your caffeine intake is concerning, you should not be having that much energy drinks a day, it is worrying." LIKE BUZZ THE HELL OFF, THATS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHY ARE YOU PESTERING ME AVOUT EVERY DAMN LITTLE THING I DO

#

AND IM ALSO A POPULAR GUY, SORRY TO MAKE ALL OF YOU CRINGE, BUT YEAH, IM POPULAR. I AM. I THROW PARTIES IN OTHER PEOPLES HOUSES, OKAY? I WEAR SHADES, AND LOOPHOLE CHAINS, AND SNEAKERS THAT OTHER PEOPLE BUY RIGHT AFTER IVE WORN THEM AND MADE THEM TRENDY. IM HIM.
ANYWAY,
THEY PUT THE MONSTER ENERGY DRINK I BOUGHT A 30 PACK OF IN THE SCHOOL VENDING MACHINE FOR OTHERS TO BUY. SINCE I BRING 2 TO SCHOOL EVERYDAY. I AM THE TRENDSETTER IN THAT TRASHCAN OF A SCHOOL. NO WONDER THEYRE ALL PICKING ON ME.

#

It's just that, ITS SO ANNOYING. LIKE IT IS STARTING TO GET TO ME. THERES ONLY SO MUCH SMILES YOU CAN FORCE TO GET PEOPLE TO LEAVE YOU ALONE. ONLY SO MUCH ACTING LEFT IN ME TO GIVE.

#

And I am friends with like, everyone at that school. Not even kidding I can walk up to anyone and everyone and I've definitely met them already. So you see I'm not a bad guy, I'm likeable and not a troublemaker... OKAY?

#

I am just feeling so unwell recently, with my family being toxic to me, and emotionally tiring me out like that which is LASTING DAYS. I don't know what to do anymore. My brain is foggy, I haven't eaten a proper meal in two months, I'm living off peach candy and rockstar energy, I go to sleep in the A.M. every night. Or should I say morning.
Life is just a nightmare for me right now

#

I would like to go see my girlfriend this weekend. I had to take a day off on Friday to myself because I was so STRESSED and was literally passing out in second period. I was falling asleep standing up, and could barely walk a mile. I WAS BLASTING R&B IN MY CAR DRIVING MYSELF BACK TO MY FAMILYS PLACE TRYING TO STAY AWAKE, WINDOWS ALL DOWN LMFAOO

#

I BARELY MADE IT HOME I SWEAR TO GOD

#

AS SOON AS I SWING MY HOUSE DOOR OPEN I SEND MYSELF INTO MY ROOM AND NAP FOR A FEW HOURS LIKE JUST CRASHING OUT

#

But yeah that argument with my family got me messed up and my math teacher targeting me and preaching, "don't give in to helping your needs during class time" is killing me slow

#

There's not a singular thing I like about that class

#

And at this point all the energy drinks I am relying on and secretly addicted to I am growing a tolerance to and are no longer working the same

#

I remember chugging a monster drink and then going to sleep 20 minutes after

#

Like what is it even for anymore

terse geyser Oct 25, 2025, 6:37 AM

#

I don't feel good about myself

#

I just went to sleep and I had a nightmare

terse geyser Oct 25, 2025, 2:29 PM

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SEE HOW FAST I FELL ASLEEP THERE

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FDOM 2:16 TO 2:30 LIGHTS OUT

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AND THEN I HAD A DREAM OF MY AUNT CUSSING AT ME

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But anyway um

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With all this going on

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I decided to treat myself because I've been upset and stressed

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So I ordered myself food since nobody at my house makes anything for me

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There's not much food at their place either

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This guy who looks like he's like 60 is picking up my order

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I swear there better not be missing parts of my order

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I am CRASHING OUT. Recently.

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IM SPENDING ALL MY MONEY

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ON TEMPORARY CRAP

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SAVINGS? WHATS THAT

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I CAN LITERALLY SEE THIS GUY DRIVING TO PICK UP MY ORDER

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NOT EVEN I, USE A TRACKER, WHEN GOING OUT WITH MY CRAZY GIRLFRIEND CALLED RAYA. WHO ALMOST KILLS ME EACH TIME WE MEET. NOT EVEN ME.

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LOL SHE DRIVES US OUT HOURS AWAY AT 160 MPH EACH WEEKEND AND I DONT CARE FOR OTHERS TO KNOW WHETHER I LIVE OR DIE

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I BE HOPING SHE KILL ME ACTUALLY

terse geyser Oct 25, 2025, 4:02 PM

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Food was so mid I regret buying it

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God I can't enjoy anything in my life

terse geyser Oct 25, 2025, 4:26 PM

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I'm getting two coffees

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Just because I can

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My 8 billion subscriptions are haunting my bank account

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What do u want me to do, not enjoy life

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I have not been taking good care of myself

terse geyser Oct 25, 2025, 4:51 PM

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THOSE COFFEES

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HELLA TASTY

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I WAS JUST DRIFTING OFF TO SLEEP

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NAPPING,

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I GRIP IT

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AND IM AWAKE AGAIN

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NICE

terse geyser Oct 27, 2025, 9:06 AM

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So

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Uh

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Yea

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I like coffee a lot

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Um

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Anyways

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I don't feel good right now

terse geyser Oct 27, 2025, 9:33 AM

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I am tired as hell

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And can't sleep

terse geyser Nov 11, 2025, 1:01 AM

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So

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Um

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Lol I was reading a bit above that

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My writing can be funny sometimes

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But

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Other than that

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I just don't really know who I am anymore

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and I don't feel good to myself

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I'm not feeling great

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I'm just thinking of my life and who I've been

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Sometimes I feel like something really bad is gonna happen to me

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Like I'm targeted or a target of something or maybe it's just my mental illness

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As a kid I was super depressed like I remember being 13 and I was sad or mad all the time. I hated making friends. I hated being alone. I hated rules and being told what to do. I was a troublemaker, I stood out in a bad way.

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I couldn't pass my classes. I remember struggling with school ever since I turned that age because I had gotten so depressed I wasn't taking care of myself properly the entire time I was a teenager

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And I've always had a boredom or wondering what it would be like to just cease from existence and I've always wanted to get away, or escape in some way

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No matter who I meet or who I'm with I just feel so alone even as an adult now like I can't talk to anyone about what I go through

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And it's different to verbally talk about how you feel to someone or people than to text it

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Because you know they really hear it in the moment, and it's another person reacting to you that you get to see react to you and your pain

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So just this intense long feeling of loneliness I guess and I've never uhm, kept friends.

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I actually had gotten friends, for once, but I lost them, again, just like I always have, because of

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Because of,

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I don't know. Choosing something that kills me instead. Being too crazy. Being too much of a weirdo. Being a liar. Being a bad person. Not being good enough

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And I don't know why but I feel an anger in me or myself that I can't really get in touch with right now but I know it's there. Well , I feel every negative emotion actually, in my brain and body, all at once, just like right now, and I can't do anything about it. And that's the saddest feeling ever

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My hearts just the emptiest place someone could ever know

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I always felt like a bad person. Like there was something wrong with me as a kid and I didn't know why. I stole stuff, I broke anything I could get my hands on, I couldn't follow any instructions, and I wanted a reason to fight

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But that was me, as a kid

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I'm not a kid anymore, y'know? I'm grown

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Im sorry but

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I wasn't likeable and I didn't like me either

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But I'm better nkw

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I'm a good person, I like to give, but sometimes I still feel connected to that kid I was and I'm unsure why

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And I'm unsure why I feel like there's so much noise inside my head and that I can't think clearly anymore

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And I'm unsure why I'm still messed up but in an even more dangerous way than how I was as a kid like I was once that, and now what am I? Well, I can be kind, I'm nice, I can be helpful

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But I can also be, careless, reckless, and

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So much

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But it's not about my goods and bads

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It's just the bads

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That I need help with

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And I'm unsure what to do with myself

coarse sail Nov 11, 2025, 4:37 AM

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terse geyser And I'm unsure what to do with myself

Hmm. Live your life by trial and error? Nobody gets out alive, so the only way is through. It’s ok you are bad some, try to get your environment and conditions just right so the bad is mitigated as much as possible ❤️ but over time your anger and thoughts will mellow since that’s what age seems to do for people

terse geyser Nov 11, 2025, 11:22 PM

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I live my life making bad decisions sarah

terse geyser Nov 11, 2025, 11:23 PM

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coarse sail Hmm. Live your life by trial and error? Nobody gets out alive, so the only way i...

and I don't know how to stop being a terrible family member, an awful friend, and a criminal to society

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Other than that, my pupils today were two different sizes

coarse sail Nov 12, 2025, 1:20 AM

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Would you say any particular circumstances drive you to commit crime? Or is it just because? @terse geyser

terse geyser Nov 12, 2025, 1:41 AM

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coarse sail Would you say any particular circumstances drive you to commit crime? Or is it j...

Yeah, circumstances like being on.. substances that I shouldn't be on, that make my pupils quadruple in size for days. That's because of addictive habits too. Then always struggling with a moral compass and not having any guilty conscience that is just replaced with paranoia instead, and honestly doing illegal jobs to get money was making me the most I ever had quickly and I'll never forget how much I earned. I constantly talk about not wanting to work the average job or receive minimum wage and that I want to be an artist or something self employed

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Art was not what I was doing, it is my current legal side hustle

coarse sail Nov 12, 2025, 1:43 AM

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terse geyser Yeah, circumstances like being on.. substances that I shouldn't be on, that make...

Honestly I don’t see this as a personal flaw at all. Addiction is a coping mechanism and not under your control imo. Not to excuse it but it is what it is and I hope you know you are still worthy of the air and space you need 💗 can’t blame you for wanting illegal money when legal money is barely anything

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Sounds like you have the personality for autonomous work and driving deliveries doesn’t cut it money wise. I don’t think you are bad at all and I hate you feel negatively about yourself at all.

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Sorry humans are shallow and life is hard 😭 you are not alone

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And sounds like you must have a drive for creativity. That is beautiful 💕

terse geyser Nov 12, 2025, 1:46 AM

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coarse sail Honestly I don’t see this as a personal flaw at all. Addiction is a coping mecha...

You don't think I'm selfish?

coarse sail Nov 12, 2025, 1:48 AM

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Not at all. I struggle with addiction so much myself but the substances aren’t illegal. I’m addicted to like.. sex with my partner and validation from him and also food but thankfully been maintaining normal weight for more than a year now. But I know addiction for what it is and it was always a way to feel an emotional void. And as a therapy student that’s what I see around me… there’s a void and the addiction to whatever fills that. Usually the void is the unconditional love they should’ve gotten from at least someone, then because they didn’t they don’t have a knack for relationships and it just drives the endless loop of failed good relationships. Idk I never blame an addict because how can we?? Who the hell would choose this

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Fill*

terse geyser Nov 13, 2025, 10:12 PM

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Relatable

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I have an emotional void too and it's like a black hole that just takes and takes and is never satisfied really

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Like I constantly need dopamine or serotonin or pleasure

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I had the worst day ever today

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A few hours long of a mental breakdown later

coarse sail Nov 14, 2025, 4:24 PM

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terse geyser A few hours long of a mental breakdown later

Doing any better? It’s ok to break down ❤️

terse geyser Nov 17, 2025, 1:36 PM

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Not much better no

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I've been having the worst mood swings ever and been irritable

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But I'll get through it

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Thanks for asking

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One second I'm happy and the next im the opposite

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Honestly I'm not doing good at all actually

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Very uhh unstable

terse geyser Dec 24, 2025, 4:05 AM

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I have been feeling so lost in my life

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It's Decemember 23 2025 and I'm surviving a depression

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Just feels like something's clawing me on the inside out

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and I'm just drowning in this world

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Surviving all the using

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Food and sleep deprivation, dopamine loss

#Just Me

MY CHOLESTEROL IS RAISING, MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS HIGHER THAN THE CEILING, I AM CHECKING MY PULSE. HOW EARLY IN THE MORNING DO YOU WANT ME TO BE HERE FOR TO CALCULATE A FUCKING SQUARE?!?!?!