Lost and Overwhelmed

[remote laurel]

I recently got married but I'm not sure of the choice I've done. I'm far away from my family , but even if they were close they would not support me in any way because they have never been there for me. I am coming from an abusive relationship with my father, my previous partners also did not treat me very well. I'm so scared of everything, I just see this marriage as the end of everything I've been so far, rather than the beginning of something new. I took so many other drastic choices in my life, but this time I do really feel scared, pure fear. I feel not heard / understood from him, suddenly. He complains I don't communicate what I'm feeling, but I am not used to share with anybody what I am thinking.... I just wish to run away again, and start from the scratch alone again, as this is the best thing I can do. He complains about behaviors of mine (hyper-independency, no asking for help, taking on duties which usually men take care of etc…). After he vent and told me every single aspects of me that he did not like, I took it seriously, I have been analyzing what he said and my behaviors for days, weeks. Then I finally changed as he wished. But now, he says he does not like me anymore, that he does not recognize me anymore…He asks me if I know what I am doing/did by marrying him, he makes me feel stupid....I have more doubts than ever before now. I am so lost. I afraid to lose myself, I am starting again to lose the spark and eating less… I felt this already. I just want him to be happy, but he he seems to never be. Anyone has been here before ?
… I am so lost. I afraid to lose myself, I am starting again to lose the spark and eating less… I felt this already. I am scared. Please help, I never ask for help but maybe it is time in the end. Idk anymore what I am supposed to do. DM

[torn lily]

It's hard to say because it depends on how is your husband
I think it's really understandable if you start by saying that you don't feel comfortable to share your feelings but you want to try and you'll need some time to do that
I assume he knows that you went through a lot before him

I truly think that if you want to change, you have to do it for yourself, not for someone else, even if it means that you have to be alone for that
Because, as you can see, it's a door opened to toxicity, which is the worst thing in a couple (married or not)
I think you should start to tell him that you have insecure, that you want to talk about that but you need time
Maybe he just doesn't understand your feelings and doesn't know how to react

[remote laurel]

Thank you for your words ..... 🙏 he is an overthinker and he wish he had study psychology... he knows me more thany anybody else, and he knows that so many people took advatange of me as i am nahive/stupid and 'too god" he says .... now my question is as you meantioned, how can I be sure he is not somehow taking advantage of me ? he opened my eyes on this, and what if he is also now taking advantage of me ?

my neighbor needed some financial help few weeks ago and i wanted to help me so much. But my husband says "no", that it's a stupid idea and that i am so stupid/nahive not to see that he wanted jusst to take advantage of me. look, my neighbour never asked for any help.... i truly believed his story when he asked me for help.

I ended up doing what my husband told me, because "he knows better, I am the sutpid/nahive one".... believe me, I still now suffer. I really wanted to help my neighbor, and by not helping him I feel like I did something against my own nature/instinct

I felt/feel so guilty, I explained that to my husband, I was crying as I wanted to help and he did let me. Then he started screaming to me and I got scared... I have traumas from my childhood, I cannot react when someone (a man specifically) screams to me.

Since that time, my insecurities just grew up 🥺 I am afraid to lose myself so much

[torn lily]

I take time to answer because it's hard to put english words on what I'm thinking

[remote laurel]

I really appreciate your effort and time ❤️

[torn lily]

I don't think you're stupid
You seem to be very sensitive, about yourself, about others
It's obvious that you want to give good things around you
In a general sense, it's seen as something foolish because life is hard, so you have to save everything you can for your own good, so it's "weird" to give money to a neighbour, even if he seems nice and needs help
You have principles
I understand that if you go too far away from them, it makes you feel terribly bad
I can't say much about your husband because I don't know him
Maybe he wants to protect you in his way
Maybe he wants to keep you for himself
At some point, it's important to be careful of things around you
His behaviour, his words, his actions
It tells a lot about someone

I always though that if the daily life of a couple is pain, insecure, screams and tears, the couple has not right to be
Of course people in a couple can get angry on each other
Perfect couple doesn't exist
Still, there's a huge gap between rare fights and daily war
You can ask yourself how you see your couple in a month, in a year, in 10 years and more
What do you see?
Is it possible to make good things?
Is it possible to build a family?
Can you see grow old with him?
If answers is no, I don't understand why you want to stay with him

[remote laurel]

You definitely got a point with those questions, I will need time to think about them and truly answer them .... we have been married for just a month, today it's exactly 1 month. And before the marriage I was sure that my fears and concerns would have disappeared, but the way he is acting lately and all its complaints and those "attacks" generate in me even more doubts / insecurities.
I do not share my thoughts on our relationship with anybody.
I have kept my problems as secrets in the past and this led me to “accept” so many toxic people and “normalize’ their behavior as I had no one telling me that it was not normal. 😔
I still struggle to open with people, especially given that I do not have family or any close friends… so this is what pushed me to write here.
And I am really thankful for your feedback/ advices. It might sound stupid but I felt so listened by you … Than You so much, I wish I could help you too 🙏 ❤️

[torn lily]

I understand that
Take your time
Feel free to come back if you need to talk more
Remember that there's no good choice, everything has a price
But the most important in your life is yourself
So you should really take your time to think about that