Miles' Entries

[cunning turret]

Sun, 05/25/25
Time: 8:30PM EST

I'm sick as a dog today. Been laying in bed and contemplating a lot of what's happened to me the past few days.

My mom's been through the ringer and.. my dad is a different kind of person on his own. He tries his best but.. he really doesn't understand certain topics, nor does he care to open his mind to them. He attacked me, threatened to kill me, and thought of other ways to slow me down should there be a next time that he lunges at me.

He's always been putting me down, may they be comments about my weight, or comments about the things I like. Hell, even the love I have for my own family. It's awful, and after these past few days, I've just been tired, and really not myself..

But, I push forward regardless. That's what humans have always done. That's what I'll do.

[cunning turret]

Mon, 05/26/25
Time: 5:16PM EST

I am still very sick. My nose is clogged pretty badly, and all I can really do is lay around in bed, or be at my desk w/out having the urge to vomit.

Also, I think a lot of negative thoughts creep their way in when you feel so low. I started thinking about how I didn't really deserve love, and if I really wanted something like that in the first place. Then it turned into a self-worth thing, and I just couldn't balance that and being sick at the same time.

I hope things get better. I really do.

[cunning turret]

Tue, 05/27/25
Time: 9:40AM EST

Had to turn down my Yaya (that's grandma in Greek, yw) today to take this trip w/her to a doctor's appointment. I caught this nasty cold and I'd hate giving it to her. She suffers w/breathing issues, amongst other things.

I feel bad but at the same time, I don't want her indirectly catching this cold either. I've already had trouble breathing, it'd be far worse for her. I always try to support her as best as I can since no one else really has the time to, and also because she really does support me as well.

I should feel solid by tmrw honestly. I just have horrible congestion, fatigue, and a cough. Nothing a decent shot of medicine couldn't fix.

[cunning turret]

La Journal de Milo

Time: 4:49PM EST

I seen someone on here quitting 🌽 & 👊🍖. I share the same goal right now. It's doing me more harm than good. I'm gonna get some two sense in my head and put it down. The joy is temporary and does nothing but destroy me in the end.

Hope they achieve their goal as well of quitting completely. ❤️✨

[cunning turret]

Time: 6:57PM EST
TW: Mention of ||SA & general violence||

It's become a bit of a pattern now where my parents come home & argue over the same thing. I'll explain myself here.

My mom was 🍇 about 6 years ago, now.. this was already an awful event in my family's inner circle. My parents' relationship however took steady declines in terms of some physical fights and more verbal abuse. My dad blames my mom for being assaulted but I just find that ridiculous, you don't blame that person for being a victim of smth they had no control over. Fast forward a bit where my dad continues to imply that my mom was looking to just cheat instead of the event happening, and.. as of last year my mom's been talking to someone else, probably due to her one partner not truly understanding or being there for her. My dad even attacked me just a couple days ago for me defending my own mother and her loyalty.. but recently, as of today I'm starting to think she hasn't truly been cold turkey on this other person.

This has been bothering me for years, and I just find the whole situation all wrong. What's worse is even as I've been defending my own mom, my dad just says I'm being mouthy, and goes straight for my throat, so I can't even intervene anymore. I think my mom, again, she's still talking to this other person. She's definitely stuck in such a horrid relationship cycle and I see it.

But I seen some of the texts and they were awful. Talking abt she'd have plenty of kids with this other person, and that she'd run away w/him whenever he called for it. Every perspective I think bothers me now because now I can't say a thing.

I'm just stuck right now. I understand I can break the cycle, and I've already attempted to ask them to go to therapy. They don't want it unfortunately. I don't have any friends to visit or stay over, my one other family member is 67 with COPD, and she'd be overwhelmed if I even entered the door funny.

What's worse is for some reason, I feel like a lot of the things I say abt my past are crazy. My dad always tells me it could be worse, or that he didn't have a father, after saying shit like "you'd sell your family out for a sandwich" or "if you don't k1ll this criminal for your mom then you don't love your family." Hell my mom even encouraged me to participate in hunting her predator down, I don't know why. That's scary to me. Murder is murder, it's awful, and I was only 18, being guilt-tripped into committing smth that isn't my responsibility at all. I'm not God, I don't decide who lives and dies, and I'm not the Punisher either.

I've become tired. I've become weak. Many people have recently applauded me for my strength, and I thank you so much, because that's all I've been trying to do. Be strong.

I just seem to have really bad daddy issues lmao. My dad's lost my respect honestly, and I'm starting to agree w/others that he really is js an awful person. His mom (my Yaya) tells a whole DIFFERENT story on how raising him went compared to how he describes it. He says Yaya was just partying and shit, leaving him alone and scared for a bit of time.

On the other hand, my dad also pushed Yaya down a lot, and even contended with her at the age of freakin' 4. Maybe she did have some terrible habits. Parenting in each era shift in tactics, but she wasn't a monster. Not how my dad acts w/me and my mother..

My sympathy points with him are gone.

You can't excuse blaming the victim of being 🍇, and you don't put them down when you've had a bad day at work. Screaming, yelling and smashing things like some caveman because dinner wasn't made fast enough.

It's awful.. I want out real soon. I just put myself in a bad spot right now. Can't work because I'm responsible for taking care of my brother to get him to school then home, and house chores. The goal is to finish college, get my associates, then work. Eventually I'll just have that money to move out.

Journal of Miles

[cunning turret]

Wed, 05/28/25
Time: 7:08PM EST

Being observant about many things is a blessing & a curse. Small details, changes, behaviours.. I've just had to keep my eyes peeled a lot in my life so, I'm more than equipped with it.

All I wanna say is, I know that my own mother is lying to me. I'm not stupid when it comes to these things, and sometimes I really wish I was. It's painful. My dad is out of control, my mom knows how badly he's treated me over the years, but sometimes.. I could tell she was just making sure she wasn't next to face, yk, this shitty wrath of someone else.

I feel awful.. and I have to go back to college with this in the back of my mind.

I've also really come to realize that my dad is very judgemental & unfortunately racist. He's made some very awful comments about certain groups of people..

He's become such an ugly person.. I don't ever wanna be like him. Not ever.

I know I'm not perfect. I know I can be angry, I know I'm still close minded to a degree..

I just don't wanna spread that hurt to anyone. Not like he does. Not ever.

[cunning turret]

Time: 8:36PM EST

Weakness for checking in on someone who's not okay?! I'm either missing context or something. I've never, ever seen that as a weakness.

Some of you here have some skewed perceptions. Empathy barely exists, and the world needs more empathy, not everyone hoarding their heavy things in a paper sack, just waiting for it to crumble.

If someone was awful in your life, fine. Removing them and stepping away may be the best case to say someone is weak. They're letting someone step on them all over again, but not if, let's say a relationship ends on a good note and the two people can manage to be friends. It's not a weakness, it's a sign that humanity and their ability to care, has never died. It's just become skewed in other perceptions.

[cunning turret]

Thu, 05/29/25
Time: 7:57PM EST

Nothing crazy.

I relapsed on smth & now I'm back to square one all over again. I had some thoughts of dread and.. I've been tired all day.

[cunning turret]

Sat, 05/31/25
Time: 12:36AM EST

Pig latin makes the raccoon mad.

It's whatever, I'm gonna stop being a fool and just be in this place regardless of whatever I'm feeling. I don't have any other outlets anyway, and I kinda like this one now.

• Relapsed on some more bad habits
• Ate quite a bit today
• My nails look awful, bit them off and whatever
• I did shower & brush my teeth ✨
• I'm dreading that I couldn't make a dent in my goals during this break thus far
• I feel like an awful person in my own home, even if I feel I've been trying to do the right thing

I'm just.. over it I guess..

I feel like everything is pointless right now. I'm not gonna be able to see the responses when I come back here, but, I gotta just get this off my damn chest.

I am a fool. I was goofing around the other day in this community, left in panic, and came back in desperation. I'm being funny to cope with my awful mental state, and my inability to make changes, and it's horrible. I've tried, for a few months, and.. to no avail. I'm losing energy all over again. Haven't even touched coding in a month to refresh and relearn concepts that were poorly taught. It's just been going through day by day..

no friends to talk to, no partner to say goodnight to, and my parents.. I've told the story on here plenty but it is, awful. They checked out, don't like me and.. I can't reach them for help. My dad hates my guts, and my mom lies. I love them both, but.. they don't seem to give it back.

I can't even find a real therapist. It's awful.

I feel like I'm stuck, and I also blame myself for being this floating fool with nothing but his silly little quirks, and his silly little coping mechanisms, without any real solutions.

Stopped exercising, stopped losing weight.. actually gained a little again.

I came to this server to give hope to others, but I can't even instill my own hope. I care for all the suffering complete strangers rather than myself. That's pretty low for my existence.

🤷🏻

[cunning turret]

Time: 5:16PM EST

Woke up super early thanks to my forgetful, very old man who thought Friday was Saturday, and thought I had to take my lil' bro to school. Ugh.

I locked in today, did some errands, and did some good cleaning.. I think I got everything in gear for today. I gotta do a couple more errands tmrw, so that helps.

[cunning turret]

Time: 11:10PM EST

W RHOS!!!! 🔥❤️✨🎉💯

She's gonna turn this server into a proper place of healing eventually. The pig latin thing was stupid but, I have faith in them. ❤️

[cunning turret]

Jun, 06/01/25
Time: 3:39PM EST

Just visited my Yaya today. She gave me a set of instructions, should she end up in a bit of an emergency..

It's been haunting the back of my mind for years. For context, she was diagnosed w/COPD, a breathing difficulty due to a damaged lung, or lungs. She's about the only person in my family who helped me overcome my difficulties w/my parents for years..

But now she can barely take care of herself, and I still visit to take care of her. She really needs it, and I'm honored she trusts me a lot w/her monthly money errands & what not. She's.. unfortunately still on cigarettes.. she's tried to quit but she always relapses.

I know she can't stay long but, I'm fearful her time may come soon. I really hope whenever that is.. that I'm ready to say goodbye.

[cunning turret]

Jun, 06/04/25
Time: 9:34AM EST

This year has been a miserable one for me. Feels like not too long ago I was celebrating 2025 & wishing for all these things to line up for me, but I seem to forget that life doesn't just "line everything up" for you.

I've yet to find a therapist, I've yet to have a real doctor's appointment, and I've yet to accomplish anything I set out to do this year. The only thing that could save this year in particular, is me going back to college & getting my degree. I want nothing more than to finish that chapter of my life, and just be done with education for awhile.

I've been very lethargic. It's not normal for me, but.. I fear it's lack of dealing with all this stuff I've been going through.

[cunning turret]

Time: 11:12AM EST

I'm gonna format my journal a little differently. There are a couple things I want to keep track of, starting with:

Relapse of __:
Work-out Activities:
One Positive Thing About {Date}:

There are some nasty habits I need to get a hold of. I've relpased awfully, and I want at least the last 3 months of my college break to mean something.

[cunning turret]

Time: 10:32PM EST

Relapse: Yep, stopping it tmrw.
Work-out Activities: Shoulder press, 2 min planks, 20 push-ups, 60 crunches, 30lbs dumbbell lifting
I had a really good dinner, that's the positive thing.

Other than that? Thoughtful day of my existence, not good thoughts honestly..

[cunning turret]

Jun, 06/06/25
Time: 1:54PM EST

Yeah I don't like the new format lmao. I did the same exercises yesterday and I'm looking to do the same today. I only got 4 hours of sleep so I'm so low energy.. but it's been this way for awhile.

[cunning turret]

Jun, 06/08/25
Time: 5:53PM EST

Oh lordie, I shaved my upper lip and I look.. different. I'm an average looking guy, and one of my key signatures was my small moustache that barely grew in. It wasn't even my hair color, it was just straight hair above my lip.

I feel somewhat better about my face? I never liked it, and honestly never expect to blow anyone away with my looks.

[cunning turret]

Jun, 06/09/25
Time: 12:17PM EST

I had a massive lucid dream.

I had a social life. I was, bowling and hanging out with some friends having a nice laugh and enjoying my time out. I say to myself anywhere is better than home, as I say even irl.

After the hangout, I go home. The home I entered in however was my old bedroom in this crappier apartment I used to live in. The desk placement, the walls, the bed, the structure.. it was all the same.

I asked these friends if we could hang out again, and they agreed, and we hung out a second time. This was shorter than the first hangout, at least visually. Upon returning home for this one.. I ended up getting lost.

So lost to the point that I entered a prison bus by accident. All kinds of prisoners sat on the bus taking the windows and all. I try to convince the bus driver that I'm just a civilian, he wouldn't budge. He was tired and he just wanted to do his job.

We arrived at this "prison" but it was more so a sanctuary. Lost families, the homeless, and others took refuge in 3 different lines of small little apartments. We were assigned an apartment for us to stay in, and so I was given the apartment second to the farthest left. They had a bed made, posters, lights, decorations, everything. There were others already.

Little did I know that the apartment I was assigned to was swapped with others who needed it. When I would leave, a family or another prisoner of some sort would take that room. When I had left the first time, coming back I saw this person leaving my assigned apartment. I ask what he's doing there, and he says that his friends were in there, who so happened to be this woman in her 20s and her little sister. They were lost, and the older sister had a bit of an impatient temper. Most siblings who're independent are defensive, especially being the only person that can raise them.

I gave the two this confused stare because I assumed this apartment was all for me. I ask what the arrangement really is, and she says that I shouldn't come back. It's their apartment now. As I'm sitting on the edge of the chair in the room, the older sister is frantically using the apartment supplies to print some kind of card, or cards.. she mumbles how she'll never be the little sister's father or anyone worth of value to look up to.

Feeling obligated, I tell the older sister that being an older sibling is very hard. I would also go on to say that being the only one to raise the little girl must be even harder as there's not many to assist in raising her. The conversation takes just a bit until she warms up to me, to which I tell her I'm leaving the prison. In-between leaving my apartment for the first time, I made a call to a friend to come pick me up. This friend is real, I still talk to him this day.

He agrees to pick me up, and so I patiently await to escape. In the meantime, I take the best supplies and stuff them in a backpack. I just believe it's mine that I brought from home which looked exactly like my current comforter and pillows.

My friend takes a bit too long, and so I take it in my own hands to escape. I don't even know how to drive, but I take a car and escape. It's a mix of Fortnite driving and GTA driving now in terms of logic and the actual view I have, don't ask why.

My friend calls, and I tell them to abort. They would've failed to follow the bus, because he's never done that kind of thing before.

I arrive home, and then I'm basically, waking up. It was a dream, inside a dream, absolutely scary stuff. Beside my bed (that resembles my new placement in my new apartment) laid mystical cards, each spelling out the abilities as to why I had this double layered dream.

I then eventually did everything I could think of to actually wake up, to break free of the card's abilities, and here I am.

I've been dreaming a bit more lately.. first it was my ex, and now it was all this.

Basically me escaping this "prison" which felt more like a refuge place, and noticing I'm in a layered dream.

I think I'm just, going crazy lmao.

[cunning turret]

Jun, 06/12/25
Time: 1:19PM EST

I've lost some trust in a couple of people recently. Long story short, I was apart of a fun little club for some time, and I abandoned it last year. Well, I had my relationship (the one I often talk about when I vent) in that club, and recently I found out some awful rumors were being created.

It doesn't matter who did what, and I know there aren't any consequences to them, but I think I've extended my hand to the wrong people for far too long..

[cunning turret]

Time: 7:29PM EST

Teddy Swims is so goated.

Anyway, I've been reeling over some things from yesterday. The rumors were silly, but.. it's made me re-evaluate who I put my trust into. It's awful.. I wanna be there for others but, I can't when I'm put in that kind of position with no warning.

[cunning turret]

Time: 10:58PM EST

I'm ngl, relationships really are overrated. Probably because there's no one there for me. They say everyone has someone waiting for them, but it's not statistically true, and that's the sad part.

I had glimpses of what love is like. An online relationship, a fun bond in high school, and a really bad situationship. All of which fell apart because of some, outer force that created this giant obstacle that even just communication can't solve.

I do want someone but, like.. I'm learning to be alone as well. Being alone is good. I don't have any social or romantic responsibilties. I can't even take care of myself so.. adding another person to be with would make it worse.

Maybe I'm just not mean't for love lmao, and maybe that's for the better. The way I was educated about love was awful, so I didn't listen to any of it, and I learned what I wanted in a relationship.

I wnated someone who would love me for who I am, and that she's decent in her own ways as well. Everyone says it's sad not having a partner but like, is it really? All these societal beliefs, and what if I want to just be alone?

I'm at peace, I'm not dealing w/drama and difficulties..
just dealing with myself.

[cunning turret]

TW: ||SA, abuse||
Jun, 06/15/25
Time: 1:23PM EST

It's Father's Day.

You'd expect an easy day for everybody involved, but as it turns out, it's already spiked imaginably wrong. He spilled a bit of coffee, and all of a sudden he's screaming at my mother who's only been trying to fix the relationship (which personally I believe has been broken for years) after cheating and what not.

She's been blamed for being 🍇'd, and my dad has no trust in her anymore. His views on women are also abhorrent, believing they should be smacked to be put in their place. Now I've never believed in that shit at all, and it's disgusting that those words even leave his lips.

I'm really becoming tired of defending him only because he's my caregiver. It's so hard.. I don't even know how to process this better, anymore. It's ridiculous.

They're both imperfect in the sense that the way they show love, is not natural. I don't really know how to explain it, but it's anything but pretty.

I need that therapist. I can't do this anymore the way that I am. Otherwise I'll end up just like my dad, angry and close-minded. Just awful rage in my heart without a shred of understanding left to the name, and even selfish without realizing other people are involved in my life and being hurt in the process.

[cunning turret]

Jun, 06/15/25
Time: 8:34PM EST

I feel tired, and I'm sweating.

I've just been feeling so energy-capped, and I haven't been helping myself too much to stop it. All those negative thoughts of everything's that happened throughout this break and what hasn't happened.. it's putting me in a place where I feel stuck.

I've been praying more. I've been trusting that everything is in the Lord's hands, something that I would never think to say before..

I want out sometimes. I'm tired and I know I don't mean shit to anyone.

You can tell me someone cares all you want, but besides my little brother, the world out there don't give a shit. Don't need them to.

I got myself covered.

[cunning turret]

Jun, 06/21/25
Time: 11:42PM EST

Every day that brings conflict with my parents, I feel it reveals more and more both good & bad.

I got into a stupid fight with my little brother and one thing turned into another. Some time ago, I got into a fist fight with my dad because he was degrading my mom & her efforts. He told me in defense of my mother that I was being "mouthy". He took out his dentures and raged right towards me & we threw fists.

Last night, after me & my brother had some arguing going on, I went into the living room so I could separate myself & give him some room. My dad all of a sudden, wanted to talk about that day out of the fucking blue. I was already nerved up & not in a good mood, so I went to the back of my house to catch my bearings, get some air, and calm my nerves.

Soon after, my mom storms out. She's telling me that I was being unreasonably upset, justifying his need to talk to me in that exact moment.

Now, there was a day, where she slipped up, showing me an Instagram reel. On the corner of that reel, there was a bottom right icon, a purple lock icon with a white left facing right triangle (I gotta recall every detail so I can remember exactly what happened, so that I don't feel like I'm crazy).

In that instance I realized she was lying about not to this other guy she hooked up w/around February of last year. She's been lying to me and my old man, and even my little brother. This is important because, as she's yelling at me for being unreasonably upset, I brought the fact of her lying right up. I've been right pissed about that fact for months, so it seemed just about right to bring it up.

Well, for some reason, I can't why, she got INSTANTLY into some kind of offensive mode with me, calling me a stupid fuck like that wouldn't hurt at all.

Fast forward to my dad trying to get me to come inside, but I can't. I'm crying, my nerves are on fire, I'm shaking, and I'll be honest I was ready to do something stupid out of anger.

But the conversation we had boiled down to two things.

• If I disagree with him, it doesn't matter. There's nothing I can do or say to change his viewpoints on certain things, like hitting women to put them in their place, or his constant need to physically reprimand someone because they don't agree with him.

• He doesn't believe I have good viewpoints, and the only reason I would try so hard to disagree with him because he thinks, and I quote "I'm bored, in purgatory because of the college break I took, and I'm 20. I don't know any better".

He pulls this alpha and beta shit like it matters. He tells me as bad as I think he is, there's worse out there, which doesn't justify shit.

I wanna move out. My existence here doesn't feel welcomed, and I don't think it really ever has.

My mom has said some shit about my dad originally wanting to abort me, but my mom didn't wanna go through with it, and how he never raised me, how she did all the work.

It's been bothering me for so long, and yet she's got the nerve to call me the stupid fuck for calling her out on some lies she was pulling.

I'm so tired.. every time I fall, I have to pick myself back up all over again, and each time I do it's so hard.. it's difficult. Eventually I might give up, because for some reason, I can't see a point to it anymore. It feels like I'm fighting for something that'll never exist.

[cunning turret]

Time: 12:29PM EST

I can finally use this lmao.

[cunning turret]

Jun, 06/24/25
Time: 1:39PM EST

These are the moments that are worth being here for. They're silly, they're honest, but in life, it's the small things, right?

"Keep fightin, Murdock. If you die, Hell's Kitchen won't have their savior. Yer' everythin' I can't be." — Frank Castle

-# I paraphrased a comic quote lmao, it's 1AM close to 2.

[cunning turret]

Jun, 06/29/25
Time: 1:56AM EST

The revelation that I've been on a whole college break without anything to show for it is awful.

I've been lethargic. I've been tired. I'm miserable with myself. I have no more friends. I lost trust in certain people. My parents, they feel like something standing in the way now, and it hurts like hell.

I'm trying to uphold what I believe in, to do the right thing for others and me.. but it's so hard.. I'm starting to lose my strength and my resolve. I'm praying to God, I'm exercising, I'm trying..

I'm just, miserable.

And these results haven't made it any better; from a couple days ago.

[cunning turret]

Tue, 07/01/25
Time: 1:30AM EST

I still have anger issues unfortunately. They aren't ever gonna stop unless the help I'm looking for can be looked for.

I hate this.

Officially I have 2 months left till I go back to college. This is no bs'ing, locking in time, and I don't know if I'm mentally in the right place still. It's bothersome..

I need this doctor's appointment before I go back. It's probably gonna not be what I'm looking for at all, but I gotta try. It's all I got left.

Ugh.

And it's 1AM.

I hate this so much..

[cunning turret]

Wed, 07/02025
Time: 9:42PM EST

I'm starting to think there's no kind of hope for me. I'm not really sure if this doctor's appointment will be enough, which it probably won't. Hopefully I can make a follow-up after..

Ugh, and I don't exactly have high hopes for this office either. I'm under my mom's medicare plan with a co-pay of $15 per visit (hopefully I don't pay anything in some miracle).

I still can't get over this bad addiction I have either. It's so bad, I'm trying my best and it's not working. This.. all this, I'm just condemned into my position. I'm so over it..

[cunning turret]

Sun, 07/06/25
Time: 2:01AM EST

2AM is the perfect time to sip a nice cold glass of "life really sucks" with ice and the tiny umbrella on it.

I'm at a disdain for all of it rn. Last year was, a chaotic beauty, I guess. Lotta good that happened from the bad that turned into worse, and this year is even WORSE.

I haven't been able to work a job because my parents said fuckin' NO to me making money during summer break because I gotta, "finish up college".

I'm sooooooo fuckin' over it.

[cunning turret]

Mon, 07/14/25
Time: 11:26AM EST

TW: Drugs

Yeahhh my parents blew a chunk of their money on alcohol, vapes, microdosing shroom edibles, regular edibles, bags of weed, and some medicine that my mom says my dad has been addicted to. 🥳

Now they're asking me to visit my grandma and go collect money from her because they're completely outta money! Granted, the paycheck (idek who's it was) came in the nick of time and paid for the rent. Absolute clutch there.

It's just, I realize my parents are not the greatest with money. I've actually used a chunk of the money I've had to help them out, not because they were broke, but to help them kind of save money. They don't save too good unfortunately, and it's lead to eating almost nothing, like it's been for a couple nights already. I say nothing very lightly, this doesn't compare to when I was younger when food was really tight, and I was yelled at for making a sandwich for lunch. 🤣

I don't know though. Probably just yapping again, but that's how I've seen it.

[cunning turret]

Miles' Entries

Thu, 07/24/25
Time: 3:01AM EST

I barely wanna sleep early anymore right now. I don't have any reason to be up any earlier than 12PM. I have no friends, no job because my parents really insisted I finish college, and barely much to do. I've been studying my computer science topics all over again to stay fresh on the knowledge, but I'm constantly just faced with awful imposter syndrome.

I'm nervous, going back to doing classes. I feel like I'm a worse mental state than before.. I don't know how to make heads or tails out of all of it honestly, and it's eating away at me.

I talked to someone however asking for tips on what to do, to kinda "lock in" for my last 4 classes, and they confirmed that my ideas to tackle them were correct. Even if I have to stay alone all over again and suffer a couple breakdowns, it's a small price to reach where I wanna be.

[cunning turret]

Sun, 07/27/25
Time: 1:39AM EST

This server hasn't been, what I expected it to be, and that's on me.

I did read the disclaimer, I know. I also know that what I'm getting here is that I really need a professional. I can't make meaningful relationships of any kind, and I've become hostile towards people.

I don't go out and I treat myself so poorly. I've tried working out, drinking water, but.. some things you can't just fix with push-ups and results. I am mentally fucked, and not a single decent professional has peaked my radar.. I'm so, lost and unsure on where to go.

At least I find it in me to sleep. ✨

[cunning turret]

Wed, 07/30/25
Time: 1:50AM EST

I think I've been itching to go back to college, or an escape outside at least. I can't have the former, so I have to cling to the ladder.

College is going to be rough, but I'm gonna try and make every experience.. less rough than it needs to be. Even if I have to be alone all over again. In my heart of hearts, I truly wish I wasn't the one who always finds themselves isolated, but..

It is what it is. I'm too.. different, maybe. I'm ugly to some, argumentative, chaotic, pushy, I will grant them stupid, but not mean..

If I am mean, it's not from me. It's from a dark, shitty place that I have barely started to crawl out of myself.. I don't wanna be mean, unless I have to be.

The road ahead, just seems to blur more and more.

[cunning turret]

Wed, 07/30/25
Time: 7:04PM EST

Had a weird day of sleeping in. My parents were arguing around 7AM, and I didn't sleep till 3AM..

So I fell back to sleep, woke up at 10, got tired again, fell asleep again and woke up around 12:45PM.

Today, my mind feels weak. I feel weak. I'm still not strong enough or, talented, or smart enough to escape my easy bake dopamine fixes. It's not drugs, and it's not physical harm..

Truth unbeknowest to even my closest friends, I'm a weak soul. I'm emotionally frail. I cry easy, I get angry easy, I feel joy easy, and I can even go from highs & lows by days, by hours.. it's no wonder I feel like such an unsavable mess, and the mistakes I've made..

I pray to God that he can forgive, because if nothing else.. then what truly is my redemption than not being here at all?

[cunning turret]

Thu, 07/31/25
Time: 12:57PM EST

I joined this server officially on May 21st. It's now close to August.

This place.. doesn't feel like a home. It doesn't feel comfortable, and I don't belong here unfortunately. I'm too mentally different, probably.

I'm in a place of dread. I keep fueling it with some habits, and I've tried to break the dread with other good habits.. It's not working. I'm still stuck. Still hurting, and all I can do..

is continue to write about it, at least for now.

But, I think..

I don't wanna be active anymore. I guess I'll only show up when I really want to, at this point. Probably just better for me mentally..

[cunning turret]

Time: 3:20PM EST

Lotta cars, in this audio, btw. I'm outside just talking. It's moreso for me, not you. ✨

[cunning turret]

Sat, 08/02/25
Time: 3:49AM EST

Ngl, I think I wanna live a reclusive life.

I'm not even interested in looking for anyone right now, and I really don't think ever. Relationships are another responsibility altogether lmao. You mean to tell me that I got a provide for another person completely, when I barely do that for myself?! No thanks.

I got anger issues, I got mental issues, I.. have this really, common yet really aggravating addiction that I've been trying to break, I got no smarts, no looks, apparently I have game but I get lucky when they're desperate or wtv.

Last year and all the other years however made me think that finding the one just isn't for me, yet.. somewhere I do want someone to love me.

But, honestly? Who cares these days lmao. Who said getting a partner was the thing we ALL needed to do? I see firsthand what relationships are like. Difficult, challenging, tense, changes from both people unexpectedly.. you mean to tell me I gotta go through that?!

Yeah, I'm good. I'm honestly peachy. I hope the loneliness drives me to not care anymore about anything.

I did this to myself, because I simply.. just can't figure out how to battle any of these negative feelings. I'm just.. probably deserving of this, and for good reason. All I ever did for my parents and sometimes my little brother was cause delay and just be another obstacle in the way.

My life isn't worth anything, except sleeping, and eating, and consuming, and that's it. I may as well be my own primate exhibit at the local zoo. It's embarrassing.

I got no friends, my supposed "ex" was just a mistake from the start..

and I'm just, discombobulated emotionally.

Pssh..

[cunning turret]

Tue, 08/05/25
Time: 8:20PM EST

I'm sending this late, but I recorded this 7 hours ago.

[cunning turret]

Thu, 08/07/25
Time: 2:55PM EST

I don't know where my obsession w/Daredevil came in this year.

So basically, Daredevil: Born Again was announced around early February-ish if I'm not mistaken. I was a huge fan of the Netflix show, but I barely remembered the details of the show being that I was 10 years younger watching the show.

So I re-watched every season, but I skipped over The Defenders because at the time, I wasn't really interested in the Elektra storyline & the group fighting the Hand. I'll probably watch those shows leading up to Defenders next year moreso..

Now I've always been a Spider-Man, Deadpool, any A-List hero kind of guy. That's, not to say Daredevil has gained more traction thanks to the MCU, but I feel he's still a mid B-tier name at best. I finally got to, dive into the show, watch some videos on his history, and read some comic books (such as the original Born Again written by Frank Miller) to better understand the Man Without Fear.

But in short, I've had some rough years. There's something genuine about Daredevil that, I think I suddenly admire over Spider-Man.

Spider-Man lies to himself every time he has to stand up and fight the good fight all over again. He could list Aunt May, Mary Jane, and go through so many of these tribulations. He knows mentally he's not okay, and he'll even have some one-off dialogue communicating that, but Daredevil?

It's not just a one-and-done dialogue deal. Matt Murdock has wanted to quit so many times. When his lover, Karen Page was murdered by the assassin Bullseye, he was just devastated. He wanted to give up everything, but.. he knows what he goes through pains him, and he lives with these things constantly. Daredevil feels, more human when it comes to standing up and doing it all over again.

Spider-Man finds his way through the line similar to like "action is his reward", where he continues to be Spider-Man for the sole reason that New York needs him. Daredevil, he calls it justice. He sometimes calls it a blessing. He sometimes calls it judgement, in some shape or form. He even calls it, fun.

Only because the turmoil of life really apply to his mental health where he wants to legitimately hospitalize these criminals of Hell's Kitchen.

I'd be rambling all night about this but.. it's 3:05AM now.. I should probably sleep..

[cunning turret]

Sat, 08/09/25
Time: 2:35AM EST

I should stop thinking so late and sleep. It's causing the worst of my thoughts to latch onto my skull like some kind of creature from Metroid. I forget their names.. you might know. Pincers, translucent exterior, couple of eyes? Flesh balls?

Genuinely I'm, sorry I even bother to work this out with myself some days. I feel like the scum of the Earth some days, and in the next, a hopeful silly mush head who doesn't know any better.

I should draw again. I really want to. It's hard. I hate my art-style these days. My anatomy sucks.

Idk.

[cunning turret]

They are called Metroid Larvas.

Btw.

Just found that out.

[cunning turret]

Time: 8:43PM EST

So I just got done doing some productive little studying on functions for coding. Functions are cool. They're smaller tasks that can be created to achieve the overall purpose of a code.

There are two ways in plugging in variables you created from main to the current calling function. These are: by value & by reference

• by value makes an exact copy of a variable already made in main; any kind of change done to the copy variable, does not change the main variable.

• by reference just gives the variable a new name lmao. It's actually like being banned on TTC under one username, but if you come back with a different one, chances are you are still banned in-effect. by reference is perfect for changing variables under a longer scope, and is great for passing abstract data types

Anyway..

I've had a weird morning. I, again, recently have had dreams.. of my dad harming me. I wake up when the pain is too much in the dream.. this time he was charging at me, and for some reason ready to bite me?

I've had these dreams before. They're recurring, especially when I'm at some kind of low.. I don't like them. They're almost a play by play of how it went when I couldn't defend myself. Thing is, he's old now. No matter how much he works out, I can still hold him down if necessary. I just gain strength to defend myself in those tough situations, on top of the strength I have already.

-# He's currently yelling, shit..

-# his mother, my Yaya is sick. He's probably fed up with her altogether, because apparently she was a really bad parent, but there was a completely different side to that uprising altogether.

-# Mind you though, he hasn't broken this supposed cycle.

Yaya does her best..

She isn't perfect by any means, but.. I feel she needs some mercy granted. She still gives the parents money when they need it when they're really broke, she still prays for all of us, helps me & my little brother out when my parents can't..

Yaya was working 2 jobs to support my dad as well. She got back surgery eventually pulling her back during a waitress job.

He was spoiled, and I can tell. My mom can tell, and Yaya says it when we talk about him..

Yaya is also very sick. Her lungs are seriously damaged, her body is frail, and she can barely live day by day anymore. The only way she can actually function w/the day is if I come over.

My mom's mom is pretty messed up, here or there.

My dad though, the way he feels about his mom, I feel about him, but I actually don't like him. Not anymore. I love him as a parent who decided to give birth to me, but that's it.

My mom said to me one day, word for word: "Your dad didn't technically raise you, I DID. Yeah he may've been a good male figure or whatever but.. he never checked on you or anything like that. I did."

So sometimes, yeah I feel fucked up about that, but, in the same sense I still care for him the way a decent son would care for his old man. Even if.. his old man really doesn't care too much for his son, or doesn't at least express it or anything.

I've also learned that trying to make my dad understand certain things, is fruitless.

I want him to try and build a better relationship with his mother, my Yaya, the same way I've tried to build a better relationship w/him. I don't talk to him anymore. That should say a lot. I choose not to.

I also want him to respect my mother a lot more for the things she does. I want him to recognize how much she's changed after her trauma, traumas even. She wasn't motherly to a certain point until my little brother reached a certain age. Even with me.. she wasn't motherly until I went to college.

I just.. wish it was better over here.

I wish I could forget the things he's said and done to me. I wish I could forget that pain. He gaslights me saying it wasn't that bad or you really needed that punishment but in reality.. that wasn't the case, or cases, and I can remember every second of those moments like it was yesterday.. it's awful.

I just hope in time I can get the help I need.

I truly hope.

[cunning turret]

Mon, 08/11/25
Time: 2:33AM EST

Not much to say honestly, 'cept I'll be busy this week. In a good way.

• Tomorrow (the 12th), I take my Yaya to the hospital, which has been long overdue

• Thursday I'm going to see "Shin Godzilla" re-released in theaters w/my friend

• Friday I finally go back to the Doctors to talk about my depression amongst other things

I need to make a list to remember what to talk about, just so that I'm ready to address everything I can.

[cunning turret]

Time: 9:57AM EST

I'm tired and so out of it today, everything is just gonna piss me off.

I'm taking a break from discord for today. Maybe from everything, just to clear my head..

My dad insists that he yells EVERY FUCKING MORNING LIKE YOUR SICK MOTHER AND MY DEPRESSED MOTHER AIN'T HAVE ENOUGH OF YOUR BULLSHIT ALREADY?!

Typing in caps doesn't even begin to express how angry I am, but it's a start.

Friday can't get here any sooner unfortunately.

[cunning turret]

Tue, 08/12/25
Time: 11:00PM EST

Took my grandma to the doctors instead of the hospital, and then I took her to the hospital for real.

The doctors deemed her condition to be too dangerous to be left alone, so.. they were pushing for her to go. I didn't hesitate to agree and gave them the details of her struggles, and, well, she wasn't really the happiest. I get it, and at the same time, she wasn't able to take care of herself alone anymore. Or her dog for that matter.

Suddenly she was worried about a million things that she never actually tends to, and it was very weird. It was almost like I haven't been coming over and doing those things for her already.

At least she finally gave in and went. Now I just hope they can help with the heart troubles she's got.

[cunning turret]

Wed, 08/13/25
Time: 5:08PM EST

I hate talking to my dad when he's sober. I almost need him to be on something; high, tipsy, tired, anything but awake and alert. He gives me like.. a deep feeling of helplessness, fear, and anxiety in general.

It's awful.. and he still doesn't understand why my Yaya is in the condition she's in. He thinks it's something completely off-kilter and it still pisses him off that she's ill, almost? I don't understand what he's honestly thinking, in that way.

I just wish I wasn't so scared for him.. I'm supposed to be a strong man or whatever.. but he's put the fear in me, and it wasn't needed. Some parents like him think fear helps with the kids being obedient, but it's done almost the opposite..

Yuck.

Time: 5:22PM EST

• Depression
• Bloody noses
• Allergies
• Sleep problems
• Possible Bi-Polar Disorder
• Extreme Anxiety
• Possible ADHD
• Possible Binge Eating Disorder

List of things to talk to my doctor abt.

[cunning turret]

Thu, 08/14/25
Time: 11:47AM EST

There's no way he's still making these fucking fat jokes. 💀

So I'm weighing myself this morning because my goal was to lose a couple of pounds. I exercised consistently for 3 weeks. I took a hiatus, but I'm still walking great distances, lifting groceries, doing physical everyday work. That in itself also constitutes as exercise.

I was at 200lbs. I'm 5'11 so, that's concerningly overweight. I did however drop 10 whole pounds, and that's huge for me because my body keeps gaining weight.

Anyway like I said, I'm weighing myself, and my dad walks in saying "what'd the scale say, to be continued?" Like, bro I KNOW you're not projecting your insecurities on me this morning.

Anyway he asks me, I tell em' I put in the work, drinking the water, etc etc.

He's telling me that I still have a gut. I literally HELD HIM DOWN, PINNED to stop him from attacking me, and he's gonna continue to push this narrative that I can't possibly be in shape.

Don't act like you don't regret running at me ready to bash my head in. I was strong enough to defend myself against you, you ass, not even out of shape in the least.

I literally just hit him with the most audible ew imaginable, because who's got the audacity to run their mouth like that after the shit you've put me through over the years?! As if people can't change from their messed up scenarios. He can't change. That's his problem.

But legitimately I am so tired of when he talks about how I eat, what I eat, when I eat, yk? I like snacks, I drink soda. I also do a lot of work during the day, daily cleaning, walking for hours some days, etc.

He's always had some shitty thing to say about my eating habits.

• "You'd sell your family out for a fuckin' sandwich!"

• "It's been so expensive trying to feed your ass!"

• "You're literally gonna eat us out of house and home!"

or one of my personal favorites, when I was assisting them with money a year or 2 ago:

• "Stop spending ALL your money on snacks and drink! You need to save your money."

You're kidding. I was buying some dinners, some groceries, stuff around the house, and you're telling ME how to spend my MONEY?! ARE YOU FUCKIN' SERIOUS?!!

I've done a great job drinking more water, staying physically active in a very moderate and not mentally unstable gym-rat fashion, and I've been keeping it consistent. I'm proud of myself honestly.

I don't feel out of shape as I use to. My doctor said that a certain level of mine in my blood well exceeded a normal amount due to bad foods, but I'm still able to do moderate physical activity and get around, I'm not a fuckin' slob on an automated cart.

And I have cut down snacking and drinking soda to a significant degree, especially enough to warrant a weight change.

It's fine though, I guess. I stopped caring what he thinks. He wouldn't ever display any respect for me, kept telling me to prove myself and shit..

and he's a little too late with his approval or proud nature of things.

I'm still trying to push on without him, and truly it's for the best.

[cunning turret]

Fri, 08/15/25
Time: 6:15PM EST

This server finds its way to be awesome again, mostly finding a really good person to listen to you. You know who you are today if you're reading this, thank you.

The doctor's appointment was a bit of a waste for my mental health. My doctor didn't evaluate me whatsoever. He heard "anxious" and rolled with it. I attempted to explain that I am dealing with depression and lack of sleep. I have no idea if I'm being prescribed melatonin either.

He gave the traditional yap about being 20 and having all these responsibilities, and honestly that's not even the problem. I can handle doing important things, it's the emotions in my heart and the thoughts in my brain hurting me the most. He didn't deny my depression statement so, more than likely he's already confirmed that.

For anyone in the realm of depression and you feel the symptoms of it, you have it. Doctors will slip around trying to evaluate you so they can take your co-pay and tell you to take a hike.. all he referred me to, was 2 low-rated offices and 2 weak to non-english speaking therapists. I can't do anything with that whatsoever, and I don't want teletherapy unless I have no other options. That just might be what happens though unfortunately. I wanted a real person to connect with but.. I can't find em'.

My friend said he would recommend me his therapist, so we'll see. Yesterday was fun w/him. Movie was peak and so was the dinner.

[cunning turret]

Sun, 08/17/25
Time: 11:35PM EST

This is ridiculous sometimes, my current problem.

I like, this server quite a bit, but today either the server or God was testing my patience. God must've been seeing how well I could withstand the small pokes & jabs everyone's used to makin' even in the real world. What he doesn't realize is that within my prayers, I tell him I'm an angry, wounded and lost soul.

I recall so much, so often, and I seem to never do good enough to avoid these conflicts w/people like my father, or the strangers on the internet, bashing away at one's convenience to get a therapist, and having to seek help here instead.

I've been alone, all year. I've had nobody to talk to, nobody to care for me, and nobody to call a friend. The one person in my life outside of my brother & my Yaya, well.. he's off fighting his own battles. All I can do is hope he gets better because he deserves to get better. Being alone isn't new, but it's being alone w/all these thoughts.. feelings.. actions.. itches.. emotional scars.. mental scars..

Why am I truly just a shitty person whose entire blueprint is modeled after such a mess? A wreckage of all things that make a human, human..

Doesn't really matter, at the end of day.

I think, truly, if I find that inner peace away from my parents, I think from there on.. life will truly flourish. I think truly none of the drama or, the hurt, or the words don't have to hurt as much anymore..

-# I'm a mess.. a failure and a mess..

[cunning turret]

Mon, 08/18/25
Time: 12:18PM EST

This server is legitimately useless to a certain extent, and that's really unfortunate.

I understand there's #disclaimer and shit, and that's fine. That is completely fine, I think it's already weird enough I had to be here to seek any kind of help before actual therapy. I can't afford actual therapy and I can't find any.

I'm cooked, that's really it honestly.

I guess I'm stuck like this.

The reason why I'm saying this is because I already, well.. some people define venting as "complaining". I already complain to myself internally. I'm always bitter, and my vents are 10 times worse, but due to the server's rules, I can't formally express what I feel.

Only difference between these ones and the real ones in my head is more anger, more swearing, and more chances to endlessly fall into a pit of just bad thoughts and scenarios.

Complaining, however, just temporarily takes the weight off your shoulders.

I see this server as the connection to help someone who genuinely wants the help, to guide them along just ever-so-slightly.

I want the help, but I just can't ever make that damn connection. Not right now, anyway. I have to finish college before making any kind of money, and I gotta hand over so much money to my parents anyway. It's an abysmal circle I've been packed in.

[cunning turret]

Time: 2:03PM EST

Just a couple minutes after my last entry, the power company shut off the electricity here. It's happened quite a bit the last 2 years, where the last 2 years have had even more of the most stupidest and most mishandled family/parent-relationship drama to date. Not even surprised anymore. They funnel funds into my old man's opioid addiction, where they're taking like 4 other things that I've mentioned already. There'll be a pack of Smirnoffs before there's a decent month's shopping of food from a cheaper supermarket.

I'm lwk just tired of living here. Cutting my parents off when I move out will be the greatest thing I ever accomplish.

[cunning turret]

Time: 8:20PM EST

So it looks like there'll be no gas or electricity till Thursday. That's a bit of a bummer, but I'm getting a break from the internet after this entry. Some of you that I've run into have been so mean, and some of you use the excuse of not being able to "control what you're doing in this state".

I won't even comment further on that one to be honest. I think it's slightly ridiculous, but to each their own.

The hardest part'll be dealing with the anger my dad has.. it's gonna be an awful 3 days if he can't keep himself together.

I will, hopefully be able to go through each minute with grace.. if not.. then maybe the listeners will be quite busy with me. 🤞

[cunning turret]

I'm not dating this one. I think I'm officially done with this server.

It's a constant hamster wheel. People need help, they get someone to listen to them, they can't or don't want to get a professional, they come back for more help, the cycle repeats itself.

We have listeners, feeding mentally unwell people their mentally unwell addictions, because the job of the listener isn't to judge. It's like looking at a beautiful display behind sacred glass. If the listener cannot be convinced that some things need professional help, then they shouldn't be a listener. Nobody in this server here is a savior, realistically, not some silly friendship power crap.

I can't put myself in this position anymore. I don't like being around people on discord, listeners are as young as 15 and I can't truly garner any real words for anything. It's truly better if I just go off on my own and figure it out like usual.

If I come back it's probably out of curiosity. I just can't stay. 🤞

[cunning turret]

Thu, 09/25/25
Time: 9:55PM EST

Been a rough couple of weeks. I'm doing ok in my classes. Been studying a lot every week, more than I did last year. I feel confident in the content, like, actually. Practice and time, and whatever..

Been pretty lonely too though. Learned that a lot of my friends, or, who I thought were friends, were much worse people than I realized. Some, granted a mercy since, I got some info wrong, but.. others.. it's ridiculous.

Now I'm alone, every week. My grandma nearly died for the 5th time in a span of a few years. It's been a really, really shitty time in my life rn. This, whole 2025.. absolute shit.

I just wanna pass these classes and get the hell out. That's just, all I care about now. Fuck relationships, fuck friends, and fuck hobbies.

I'm not okay, and that's really evident to me now. Scary but, true.

[cunning turret]

Mon, 10/27/25
Time: 1:33PM EST

I'm in this boring lab class for biology II with a bit of time to type.

I hate a bit of a mental spill half an hour ago over a lot of things that has happened over the course of this year. I can tell the way I've been carrying myself that, I genuinely have not recovered too well. I'm distancing myself from others, I feel more paranoid and untrusting about others, and I feel bitter.

I wish I wasn't so isolating, or, y'know, so self-destructive to myself..

I really wish I was able to just breathe easy and finish college, but.. it's really hard. It's becoming increasingly difficult to try, and I had the same problem last year leading to my failure as a student.

I can't go through another failure.. it'll absolutely destroy me.

[cunning turret]

Sat, 11/15/25
Time: 3:50PM

I'm having a really rough day today just mentally.

I'm alone, and the world I step out into everyday doesn't care for me or for anyone else for that matter.

My "friends" are non-existent or just straight up do not care. My ex, even though she did tons of fucked up things to me, called me a bad person because I wanted her to be happy, and..

it really sucks. I really don't find the value in trying. Life granted me the existence, and I just don't think I'm believing in it anymore.

I'm starting to lose my inner strength. I don't belong anywhere, and I honestly stopped trusting and liking people as often as I used to. It's scary. Even as I've tried to be social, talk more, be confident.. it's not working..

I'm just a sad man lmao. I'm just, absolutely crushed.. and it's getting harder to keep going.

[cunning turret]

Mon, 11/17/25
Time: 12:38 PM

I'm waiting for atleast 2 more hours till my next class where I take my practical. I had some caffeine today just to keep me awake, but w/the way my emotions have been working out + my mental these past couple of days, its just making me antsy now.

Lotta things this year did not pan out greatly for me, and what is life if everything does go your way right?

As of right now though, I'm at such a low point. All I can do is keep a sharp eye on my college work, to keep working diligently so I can just graduate and leave this program finally. I've been at it for 3 years officially, and I'm really sick of education being a major part of my life. At least, school education. You're always learning if you're living life the right way I believe.

I'm hoping this week goes by quickly, because its starting off w/a real lousy Monday.

[cunning turret]

Mon, 12/15/25
Time: 12:35PM

Almost done with college. It's my final week. Finals galore.

Had a really rough day yesterday. I've been feeling like all of my remaining family, even my little brother, don't really value my existence too much, and.. after what's happened this year, it's somewhat justified.

But my little brother, it's a little different. I think too highly of him if that makes sense. He's imperfect just like everyone else. He loves saying shit about how I'm still a grown adult living w/my parents & jokes abt my roller coaster of a weight gaining/losing process.

I suddenly just gave him a small tap on his face yesterday, enough to warrant a shock. Not a painful shock but like a "oh shit, he's actually upset" kinda slap, 'cause he found the whole ordeal to be so funny. It wasn't that funny, honestly. He outs me about my decisions & says his comments are jokes. It's kinda crazy how small of a fuse I really have..

my brother would be better off if he didn't have to worry about what I'll do or what I'll say. It's bad enough I can't break this shitty cycle that runs in our bloodline.

I'm trying what I can, but honestly? I'm gonna want to stop trying.. and when that happens, at least I can say I gave it a shot.

[cunning turret]

Wed, 01/7/26
Time: 4:20PM EST

I don't have college anymore. Joy.

I'm in this phase of putting my life together now, and I'm currently under the weather and consuming junk food + drinks. I feel tired, I feel slow, and I'm not in any sense of urgency to get a job just yet.

I do wanna move out but, I don't honestly see the point in seeing my existence thru. Genuinely, I was born into this world with my dad wanting me out already.. and I'm somewhat of a firm believer that if you don't love the child you bring into this world, that child won't love themself no matter how much work that kid puts in.

Though I am trying to draw again, soon I'll be practicing code and making a resume for my computer science career. Or maybe that's too ambitious. I don't know anymore.