Fragments of my Life 3 [Diary]

[hot wolf]

Maybe someone else would find me prettier, we're really different

I'm a blueeyed blonde and she has black hair and eyes

And if she evolves like me, she'll problably get prettier when growing

So if she already beat me here, it's useless to imagine the future

It's not a competition anyways lol

I just find it weird that someone is almost as good as me.

There's a lot of people better than me of course, but they're so different, it can't be compared.

But she's a mini copy of me, and still "almost" surpass me.

Yeah, almost.

Her down side is that she has way less passion, a deep need for love and affection, a low mental (she endured atroce things too, as I said, a copy of me. But she haven't surpassed them to get stronger yet.), and she's too attached to social media.

My down side is mostly my lack of real feelings (which can only be seen in this diary so no one could tell), that make my brain act weird, that makes a lot in diaries

3 down sides so

Everything else is small things, just consequences from these 3

I consider a good physic a quality

Beauty, and physic

I do a lot of sport so I have the physic, and I'm natural-born pretty, which is not a thing someone could change.
Why be ashamed to say you're pretty ? You didn't choose it, but you can be proud of it

I got lost again

F

<She's going bad and want someone to talk to, that's all>

I was this someone, before

So it's kind of my fault if she's with this man now

I don't want her to stay with him, they're not compatible

And she knows it, I already explained how intelligent and deductive, and, and... Yeah a lot of good qualities.

But she won't stop, because she needs this affection.

It's like me when I write rn. I know I should take a shower

I'm litteraly standing in my bathroom, writing bcz I can't stop after a 15h school + transport day ;sob;

But no, I NEED to write'

So I know I should not but will continue. It's the same for her

And I understand, and she knows I understand, and I know she knows I understand, and she knows I know she knows I understand.

That's what I like about her tho. If I understand something, she knows I understand it, and she understands it herself. It works the other way.

Our dialogues couldn't be really be understood by someone normal who lacks of fullll context, because there's no continuity in it

I write a message, know what she'll answer, she predict what I'd say to her answer, ect.. until we need to write again.

Normal people who lacks understanding often does that, and it leads to argue or divorces, because they have bad communication.

Best friends can do that I think, but mostly IRL, and with body language

I act like I have a word to say in her life, after letting her for a whole year

But our relation is like that

That's all

She knows I want her good

And she knows what I say is for her good, even if I wasn't here she would've known

Do you remember my PhV on Freedom?

It's in the diary 1

I explained why giving your freedom to someone else could be amazing, no need to think and all

But only if this person is someone you truly believe in, and that wants your good

And more... It's a bad summary but let's assume I've explained this fully, and my previous sentences are true, and giving your freedom to someone specific is amazing. (Just read the PhV)

She kind of does this with me.

I can take decisions for her, things she can't force herself to do.

Imagine, I had someone that ordered me to do my homeworks, if I was fully devoted to him, I would do them, even if I don't want.

I just stop thinking about it, and follow his orders.

It's how nazis killed exterminated jews tho, by following orders, so it's bad really a double-bladed sword. Wait, is this a valid expression in English ? It is in french.

Everything I've said about her, like how great she is, a copy of me, but she's still a bit inferior to me (big shortcut), she obviously knows that

And she knows I think that. As I said, we just have deep understanding of each other, since we're the same person almost.

I know she respects me being "superior" (big shortcut), and someone she can trust

So when I ask her to leave the guy that she knows is draining her happiness, like a drug

She's supposed to do it'

But today, she just didn't answer.

Non

We argued for 2h, during my break, more violently than normally

She looked sad to answer me, which is rare

And when I told her that she can do whatever and I don't care, just because I was annoyed at her, she didn't answer, just read it

It never happened

What's more surprising is that I can't know what she feels.

Even after a year, I don't think we've lost that connexion

It's just that here, on the few last messages, she... changed ?

Idk how she reacted to it'

I'd say she cried ? That's how I imagine her reacting to me saying that.

But after she didn't accept to follow my instructions, to stop talking to this weird guy, I don't recognize her anymore

She'll probably answer tonight so I'll know tomorrow

It won't end our friendship probably

"probably"... It hurts a bit to use such a word for our relationship.

We always understand each other so much.

Not knowing where we're going never ever happened.

I don't think I pushed too far

I was rational, logical, and she even agreed with me

But she was still stuck on it

I understand why, I'm still standing in my bathroom

To write on that freacking diary

But she devoted to me, precisely for letting me take for her, decisions that she can't make alone.

I don't know.

--
cya diary.

[chilly cobalt]

ohhh :0 I didnt know that, well Im glad u passed it :>

[hot wolf]

Hello diary.

Today I had 1 hour of class, but I still decided to make the 3h train there and back.

When I arrived at the third train I'm supposed to take, (rn), he disappeeared of the board. Wtf.

My TRAIN Is GONE

So I can't go to school

I wasted

I should've never went to school for 1h

But it's math, so I wanted to

• my train back home has a problem, so it's replaced by a bus

This bus is in 1h.

3h just to get halfway school, and get back home.

Why.

I could've slept more.

--

Tonight my friend, the same as I explained yesterday, sent me a whole paragraph of apologies

She deleted it, but I have "notification history" enabled of my phone so I could read it there

I've never seen her this sad before

It's also the first time she criticizes me for my behaviour towards her.

She said some things I didn't know she was thinking, which will kind of break our connexion

It's a proof that we lack communication.

I didn't think this would happen to us.

Overall, she says that I'm not kind to her, and that she likes me more that her own family, and each time I say something that could hurt someone else, it hurts her

She says that she knows I think it don't hurt her, but it does and she just hides it

She doesn't even care about the guy she's with, she just wanted my attention because I forgot her for a whole year, and she's sorry for not answering yesterday, and explained why

The last point took 3/4 of the paragraph

it was longer than all my PhV of diary 1, combined. She sent me this at 5am

It probably took 2/3 hours to write

Or more, since it's written so well

I won't send it, first because I don't have discord nitro, I'll need to split it in several 2k characters message, second because I don't want to share everything with strangers and this is a public diary, and finally because it's in french... And really well written frebch, almost literary. No one would understand a thing.

Omg I almost missed the exit of my bus

I'm so lucky

The voice didn't even talk

I just looked at it and saw it was where I have to get out at the last moment.
I didn't even looked for the past 10 stops. So lucky.

Now 30m more waiting.

Anyway.
I could just send a screenshot of the message tho but I won't

Humm so, I think it's my fault.

I saw her too much as a clone of mine

I forgot our down sides aren't the same as I mentioned yesterday.

I can only try to understand emotions, not feel them. So I couldn't understand what she really felt. + I don't see her face when I write to her, it's hard to guess.

[hot wolf]

Hello diary.

[hot wolf]

The mom of one of my friend at school bring me home

So I didn't have to go for the 2.5h train time to home

I would be home in 1h usually

And I got home 30m ago

[hot wolf]

I had my first piano class of the year today

Since it was summer there was none

I have a new teacher

I want to quit piano.

I didn't realize I was so bad.

My previous teacher was really boosting my confidence, and yes I've learnt a lot with him

But why am I still so bad...?

He asked me to play something to see what piece we should learn next

I played it, it wasn't rly great since I don't have a real piano at home

The pedal is real in this one so it's rly different

Not electric

He played the same thing as me

And it sounded 104958 times better

There was no useless movements

When I play it looks bad from the outside even when the sound is great

Because I don't know how to move well my hands

He does

And idk

He's a million times better

I'm demotivated

The gap is way too huge

I've been playing piano for so long

And I'm pretty good at everything

I mean, he's been training classical for years, and I barely know how to read sheet music, i only play by ear

But what..'

How can the same song sound so different

Even the rythm, he showed me that my play wasn't regular

He couldn't fit a metronome on it

I'm so bad

It's outrageous

I want to quit piano

Some might say "don't compare yourself to others"

And I even say it, often.

But I've been playing piano for years

Not doing any effort to learn properly, yes that's true. Learning by ear won't teach me a good technique

But my teacher isn't that old

And he's too good

It's not even abt his level

It's about how he mentionned my mistakes

Made me replay it

And I couldn't fix them.

I just couldn't

Now I hear everything

Even when I play a single note, I hear it's not efficient

I put too much force, or not enough

Speed is key, not strength, so too slow

And too hard

Or too soft

When it's two notes, it's not on pulsation, or the polyryrhmic isnt audible, or

Much more

After that I played a song I was sure to have mastered

Somehow he knew it too

Idea 10, like, it's a basic

Easy to play, sounds great

And I even made a lot of arr. for it

I played it without any mistakes since I have so much hours playing it

And he played it again

Fck off

The gap is too huge

It didn't even look like he was moving his hands, to play a thing that's better than me

And idea 10 doesn't have any big jumps

So why I look like I have a seizure when reaching the far notes

I mean, compared to him

I'm still better than most of pianists in the world

Casual ones at least

I just realized what "being good" implied.

And I totally remove my opinion on me being a good pianist.

I can't even say that I'll work harder for it

I'm too lazy to put so much efforts in becoming better

I have other passions

It would require too much time

Maybe in my peak I'll have 2/3 of his level

When he's not at his own peak

And it'll take me more than 10 years

I'll never play piano in public again for sure

He heard every mistake I did too clearly

I don't want other good pianists to hear them top

Wr only have 30m a week of class, I can't even get better fast

I'm hopeless.

[hot wolf]

I'm not that hopeless

I just spent the last 18h playing piano

Well, mostly reading sheet music rather than really playing

My mind can't stop saying this : "slow, soft, slow, soft, slow, soft"

I'm so tired

Now sleep I, time

I time to sleep

Idk

I can't write

I didn't even prepare my 10m oral presentation in english

I'm dead

But I'm good at piano now

On electric piano at least

I won't ever be good on a real piano until I get one

It's too different

No, I need to sleep really hard

My eyes are not working anymore

--
good night diary.

[hot wolf]

Hello diary.

Yesterday my stepfather came to my house, and they yelled at each other for a few minutes

Then my mom shouted my name, I was listening behind the door anyway.

So I stayed up the stairs, watching what happens.

It really got big, and my stepfather was becoming close to being violent, and my mom asked me to put him outside

I analized and didn't move while they still yelled at each other

I couldn't even understand what they were saying, so I didn't know the problem at the time

Going down the stairs and pushing him outside would activate the "Someone is holding me, so I can release my anger" phenomene, idk how it's called

It happens for everyone, we express ourselves more freely when someone is holding us and we're angry.

My sister got out of her room too

When they rly yelled hard

It started to annoy me, I was in the middle of my one league of legends game per week

And I was winning before having to afk

I went downstairs with my sister, and she took my mom that were coughing by how hard she screams

I took him, and ofc they started being even more agressive

As I thought

In the end I just told him I was getting bored of this situation, and to get out immediatly

He got violent with me too, not hurting me but going towards my mom with strength

I just opened the door, pushed him outside and closed the door

In the end, they broke up today

Wtf...

Everything was fine 2 days ago

And in 48h they just destroyed their relationship

I swear, they are kids

My stepfather thought my mom cheated on him because she asked him to not park in front of her work

And this exact moment, a young looking man got out of the building and looked at them

But she asked thzt because he was parked in the middle, and she didn't want her collegues to see her park wrong

I mean, it's pretty normal

He thought she was cheating with the boy

That was 2 days ago

Then yesterday, she was on phone with him, told him she'll answer in 5m when she's finished with work

And she took 50mins to answer the call

Because she wanted to finish her preparations for today' formation. She's kind of a teacher, so she needs to prepare slideshows.

My mom would never do something like cheating

Ad she said, it's totally against her values, how can he not know

With how hard our family situation has been, she cares morr about her childs (me and my sister), than anything in the world

She wouldn't put on the line our family stability, for a thing such as "cheating"...

Anyway, in arguments I mostly side with my stepfather when my mom explains me the situation

Because she's wrong most of the time and don't even realize it

But here, he just went too far

Hopefully he got out before I hit him

If I knew that he pushed my mom to pass the door in the first place, he would probably be injured

I'm not violent, I just have values

Even if I didn't personally have values, my clan values totally fit this value.

I explained in multiple situation that my clan was willing to intervene in my personnal and familial problems

We care a lot about family

If he hit my mom he would be dead.

He didn't

It's sad tho, I like him, he's a good person

I can't count the amount of times I came on this diary talking about how we argued at dinner about something, and he wouldn't understand he's wrong

But I liked him still

My mom was happy when he arrived

She was sad before

--

If my mom wasn't there, and I didn't have a sister, I wonder if I would be alive.

I don't wish to live, but don't wish to die either

Ending my life would be a rational decision, since I don't have emotions

I talked about that in "PhV 2 Value of life and death"
Something like that (is it 2?)

In which situation would I kill myself ?

The common ones at least

I think, if :

• I fail at school, my mom dies, my sister dies
• I don't become an ELITE before 18.

Elite refers to

Oh no I didn't do the "dictionnary" part in this 3rd diary

Too lazy to explain againnn.

I don't want to give my age, but I'm not that far from 18, not close neither tho.

My age doesn't matter anyway.

I mean, it does since it's the point of the second situation where I would kill myself

Not becoming an ELITE would mean I'm banished from the elite section of my clan, which is a disaster for my branch of the clan.

In the first diary, in summer?, I talked about the first gakusei (direct student), I had

Since then, I had multiple, and formed my branch

As I'm supposed to do has a heir

I'm not really tho, since [...](Already explained in diary 1), and I can never become leader of it.

I still can make my branch

The problem is, if I don't become an ELITE, no one of my branch can ever try to be one'

I find it logical, why the branch with a weak leader, ever have good members that can even hope to be an elite?

The problem is that, some of my students are really good, and I want them to have this chance too

The only way to transfer leadership in a branch is to die, since you can't make a new one.

You also can't leave a branch you've joined.

It might be weird, and against common sense, but killing myself in this situation would be acceptable for me, as it is for most branch' leaders that want to become an ELITE branch.

It's so hard to give explaination without giving too much, nor too little

And explaining a complex system in a few sentences is a challenge

I don't want to talk about my clan anymore though, that's all.

--

I don't think I've talked about that on this diary, (or have I ?)

I'm reading a webnovel called Shadow Slave

It's the best story I've ever read, with The Journey of Odysseus, and I'm at chap 600/3100

Well, 600/2600 right now, but It'll he 3100 in 2 years.

This amazing author posts 1 chapter per day

And it's the most read novel ever, so you can guess the quality of each chapter

Never thought I would like reading books, but online, this much

--

I'm soo tiredd

Today I had 2h driving

It's my second time ever driving

And my driving test is in 20 days

Since I do the fast thing (nice phrasing, thing !)

I'll have a full week of driving, 20 hours in total

So I'll miss days of school

If I fail my driving test, I'll have to wait 3 months to try it again

And have my driving license

I want to sleep

It's so early, but I want to sleep

Not meditate, just sleep

I take so much screenshots when I read hahaha

I just scrolled my gallery

It's in french

Wait I screen my gallery

So much screens !!

4k on webtoon, and I don't even read that much webtoons

I have all my screenshots saved on multiple google drive account to save up space, so my screenshots are like 1/10 of what is really is

And I started manhwas only 15 months ago

Anime too, but I don't screen animes since I watch on pc

It's like that for almost every day

This webtoon is amazing btw

Return of the Iron-Blooded Hound

Or
Revenge of the Baskerville Bloodhound

This one is the longest manhwa I've ever read

300 chapters

Skeleton knight it's called

Amazing

The second longest I've read is heavenly doctor

Sorry it's not called like that, wait

I don't find.

There's doctor in the title.

Ooh another amazing webtoon

It's a girl on her 9th life

When she dies in a carcrash as a kid on her 8th life, she tells a boy that loved her a lottt, that anyway she'll reincarnate

A few years later she comes to him and says she loves him

And and it takes a few hundred chaps before she reveals who she is

The reveal is amazing.

Sadly they made more episodes- it's so bad after that'

But one of the the only romance webtoon that I like

With this one being my favorite ever, it's only in french and called Fanatidole

A hater girl and a star boy swap bodies

Typical story

But amazingly written

No idea what this is

It's a manhwa I've read in english, the text is in english

It looks good

I remember the images, but not the story of the name of it

My favorite manhwa is Mage & Demon Queen, followed by Fanatidole, and Killastagram.
(The 2 last ones are from the same author I think)

Oh, no the first place is for Kill the Vilainess, forgot it

It's hard to rank tbf

There's too much

Some are good because long enough, others for quality

Some for both, but mid at both

I need to finish that !!!

I forgot

It's amazing

I've read a lott of chapters, since she's an adult in these screenshots

The story starts with her asking a god to be reincarnated in a loving family

She is reincarnated as a child humm I don't remember the main story, and she humm idk

Anyway

Here, I'm at the period I read the doctor manhua

I don't remember its name

The second longest manhua I've read

Reminescence of Adonis, pretty good too

[hot wolf]

Btw that was just the normal screenshots, there's still the whole webtoon category

And I selected the bests

Only showing a screen of each

Ohhh Loyd

Fastt I need the season 3 of that

Ngl I've never laugh so hard reading a webtoon

I'd say, sending these images is a spoil by itself

Each one of these face is an instant laugh with context of this story, and knowledge of this character

Your Thrones

The most beautiful webtoon ever drawn

Then Omniscient Reader Viewpoint

I won't send more screens of this, It's popular enough for people to know it, maybe I don't want to spoil anyone or my future self wanting to read again the story

No idea but it was fun to read if I remember

This story is kind of tragic when you think of it

Both mcs are sociopaths, and Hally suffer from Medeia decision

Wait, her name is medeia right ? I forgot

Oh, that's amazing

I look really similar

Well, she has just that innocent anime face, I'm not a drawing

I don't look exactly like her

But same colors for hair, skin and eyes, and same hairstyle

Maybe a bit higher for the bangs

I can still see

I think, if I force a clueless expression, and grow 2 years older, I can take this exact picture

Perfect transcription

Hmm not 2 years

It's weird, she looks young and old at the same time

That's when drawers want a young adult character, but draw her as a adolescent for more public retention

Her body is long and her face young, so it's bizarre.

Weird.

Nvm, my hair can't do that

She wins.

Lmaoo I found a old snap I sent to my friend, explaining why I play piano when there's mosquitos to bait them with sound and kill them

It's so funny I swear

I can't send it

I'd like to have a boyfriend maybe

Not really

Yeah not really

That's not my point

What was it already

Hum

I'd like to have someone to talk to

Do you remember this friend I talked abt a few days ago ? The girl going out with a older man, and that we argued abt it

I'd like to have another person like her

Since now our relation is very different from before (i'll explain another time)

Someone intelligent, with good culture, able and willing to debat with me

Not someone stubborn, or resigned, but someone with a strong opinion, that's willing to change with good counter arguments

Like mines

I search the truth, or the best opinion if there's not a single "true" one on the subject. I don't mind being wrong and changing how I think

It's what I do multiple times a day with all types of opinions.

Since I think about so much different topics.

Why there's so few people like me.

Or I don't find them

I found one, my girl friend

Friend girl

Female friend

But we didn't talk for a year bcz of me, and now we can't talk like before

Anyway it's been 1 year since I've rly debated with someone whose opinion is meaningful.

Mhh no, on the first diary here, someone named Arlo, actually had great opinions to debate mines.

The debate on god was pretty cool.

And on hierarchy and politics system

I'm alone always

I feel alone

Having only myself to debate is torture

All my thoughts stay in disorder

I can only talk to myself in a diary

But it's not optimal

There's limit to it

Like some people need love, I need debates.

Or just someone valuable to talk to

Maybe valuable is not the good choice of word

With valuable opinions*

It doesn't mean anything, but that's exactly it, anyone can have valuable opinions

By being intelligent, or just born with it

I want to clone me

And talk with me

Why can't I clone me

I would be enough for myself

Except for my uncapacity to feel emotions, I'm perfect

Every flaws of me comes from this aspect

If I didn't have that

I would be, for me, as my opinion, perfect.

What else do you want someone to be ?

I'm pretty, intelligent, cultivated, easy to talk to (in real life), sociable

Have a thousand hobbies, love learning more

I just, don't have emotions.

And it makes me weird.

Every flaws comes from that.

I'd be enough for myself.

Having a second me, unable to feel emotions too, would make my flaw, normal.

Then I would be perfect

In a conversation with a second me, I'm a perfect human.

According to me

That's important to mention, because not everyone views perfection the same. For some it doesn't even exist.

Perfection for me doesn't mean the unability to be better, it's the point where you have nothing to say against something.

If something has no flaws, it's perfect, for my definition of it.

Of course a human can always be prettier for exemple, or have another supplementary hobby, so be a little more perfect

But I consider someone perfect when I'm unable to find any argument to say he's not.

With emotions, I'd be perfect.

I might be narcissistic, but I don't really see any issue in my argumentation

Everyone has its own definition of perfection, I just find myself meeting all of the criterias for it

I'm so tired aaah

I have intrusive thoughts of trying to die to see if I sleep better

How deep is the sleep of death ?

I want to try

Sadly it's not a reason good enough to end my life

I don't want to live more it's so boring

I don't know why i live

I just can't put an end to it, I have no reason to

But I don't want to live more

I hope an accident can kill me, but it never happens

Even in my clan, nothing is killing me

Whyy

Whyyy can't I die

People die each second

Let me die

But accidental

Not willingly

Why am I rational

I want to act with emotions too

As my parents did today when arguing

Why I can't do that

Why can't I even feel bad for not being able to die

Why I can't feel this sadness and injustice I'm supposed to feel

It's just words, thrown into a diary

Words without feelings

Just like an AI

It feels real

But do I feel sad ?

No, I can't feel anything

I'm so empty

No, being empty is a feeling

I just feel nothing

No hole

Nothing

I

Nothing

Nothing

Absolutly nothing

It's

It's nothing, it's not annoying, it's not sad, it's not cool

It's nothing, because I feel nothing

All of these words imply emotions

Chemical reactions that provokes emotions

It doesn't happen in my brain

It probably does, I'm human still

But my brain doesn't react to it

It just ignores the signals

Why can't I feel mad

I want to get so mad that I throw my phone, and myself out of the window

But I can't be mad

Or I can, but I know it'll be me faking it

I can fake emotions, and act like I had them

But it's not here.

I want to die

No, I have no desire

It's an emotion.

I just, rationaly, don't understand why I still live.

The best solution would be for me to die

Now, right now

But it's not happening.

It's not

I can still write

I'm still alive

Why do I exist

Give this occasion to exist to someone else

That wants to exist

Or a second life

I don't want mine

Anyway, no one would want a life without emotions

No, maybe the stupid ones would say yes without double thinking

Before realizing their wish to be reborn as me, means they can't experience anything anymore. It's worst than death.

You wished to be me ? Once you're me, you can't even wish anything.

You have no opinion on if it was a good decision to become me or not.

You can only rationally think

And answer, without lying to yourself

Because that, again, implies emotions.

Lying to yourself implies mostly ego

And others, idk not a bio teacher

But I can't lie to myself

When I realize something, I can't pretend it did not happen

Not because I can't, but because I CAN'T

Biologically, I can't, my brain just doesn't want to lie to itself

I can't pretend an relevant information I got, that makes my previous information irrelevant - is something I can forget

Because my brain REPLACE it

It erases it

There's just a note, attached to the new information, something like "hey, your previous information, which is 100% wrong, is : (information)"

So I can't lie to myself

Some people see life in black and white

I see a void

Nothingness

The non-existence of an absolute void.

That's all my heart can see.
I wish I could wish to want to die.

--
goodnight diary.

[fierce cradle]

for what little this surely is worth to you, it was interesting reading (at least part) of your journal.

also, youre probably on the psychopathy (not a bad thing) spectrum.

not like im in any position to diagnose, but reading up on it may help you understand yourself a little.

[hot wolf]

I know what I am. I just don’t know why I have to be.

--

Hello diary.

My stepfather (not anymore), tonight sent like 10+ vocal messages to my mom

Asking for my mom to pay back what he did on her car

My mom had a car problem recently, and he is a mechanic so he tried fixing it

In the end it was worthless, and the problem was elsewhere, so now the car can't drive, and he paid 350€ for it

My mom already paid that when they were together

I woke up 1h ago, and saw a paper under the door

A bill of 55€ 😭

There's limits to what I can defend

This morning my mom said she opened the kitchen window and saw him in the only parking spot where you can see the window, and he got out of her car and messaged her "you slept well ?"

What did I say yesteryday? A good person ?

There's limits to what I can tolerate.

My mom is out of money, have 2000€ repair on her car to do, and he keeps adding money to the bill?

What is he trying to do ?

I'll leave him 2 days.

If in 2 days my mom is still crying because of his actions

I will kill him.

If he wants to leave he'll have to pay back everything she sent him, and never contact her again. If he happens to try to argue with me, he's dead.

I'll not ask for my clan to do it

I could just ask my leader and explain him everything

He would make sure he leaves the country

But I don't want him to leave, I want him to die for what he makes my mom endure

48 hours

He should also come and collect whatever is left of his belongings in our house.

If he is agressive, I'll destroy him

He never saw me fight

He is the only person of my family that doesn't know about our clan

Since he's NOT a member of my family.

Thuesday I have a whole afternoon where there's no important class subject

It's, database, dev

I already know what we do there

So if he hadn't stopped, I'll visit him

Talking about school, I have a lottt of evaluations this week

Math, dev, database, Network, Communication, english

For math it's a disaster

Dev I don't need to study

Database I need to read one time my SQL sheet

Network Humm

Why does that exist ..?

It's not only network, I need to learn how to substract in binary

Aah I'll suffer

Communication it's a 5m oral (in french so) I need to prepare

English I can just go by improvisation

I need to present myself to my class

Pretty easy

Alr, time to learn binary substraction.

Then hexadecimal substraction

Division

Addition is fine

Then conversion, but it's ok

And finally, the hardest, it's humm

Converting the result of the command : "hexdump" into real text

Wait I'll just try here

00000000 48 65 6c 6c 6f 2c 20 77 6f 72 6c 64 21 20 43 65

00000010 20 73 74 20 75 6e 20 74 65 78 74 20 64 65 20 68

00000020 65 78 64 75 6d 70 2e 0a

First, convert the hextech

The

Wtf no the hextech

I couldn't finish my one "league of legend game a week" yesterday, so I'm thinking about playing now

Anyway

48(16) = 8x16^0 + 4 x 16^1 (10)

Oh no, there's a better solution for base 16 to 2

I need to move of my bed to get the SCR book-

My mom still yelling on phone with my stepfather btw

In the bathroom next to my door

Aaah

Leave me alone

I was about to tell her to stop yelling bcs I study, but I'll just endure

"for base 16 to 2 : for each symbol in 16 base, write it on 4 bits."

Oh, easy

Wait, write it like it's hexa values, or decimal values ?

48 = 0100 0100?

It would be 4 + 64

Humm

Wait I'm so bad

48 = 0100 1000

Good

[hot wolf]

Now I'll do it with all of that

0100 1000 0110 0011 0110

Wait

How do I write numbers more than 8

1111 = 8+4+2+1

Nvmm

0100 1000 0110 0011 0110 1101 0110 1101 0110 1111 0010 1101 0010 0111 0111

Alr I'll stop here

It's enough to start the next step

Now, I need to humm

Since the first byte starts with a 0, the length of the first character is 1 byte

1 byte = 8 bits

0100 1000 is the first character

But I have to remove the 0100 since it was for the length

So it's 1000

No

I give up

I don't know what to do newt

Next

It's not a comprehension pb, I just don't have more information on what to do next

My teacher is soo bad

So now, binary substraction

Why do I even study

Yeah

Not needed

I'll have an average note at the exam as always

Not good, not bad

I'm too busy to study

Look, my piano is calling me

I watch him in the eyes

In the keys

And it's calling me

It says "learn aria math, learn math- hum, aria mathh"

So I'll learn aria math.

The best minecraft song.

[maiden orbit]

piano is cool

[hot wolf]

Yes, it is.

--
Hello diary.

The situation between my mom and my stepfather is now stable

So I won't have to get more involved on it, it's good

Yesterday I studied, which is rare from me.

I had to learn 3 chapters of Economy Managment for the big test

In 30mns

It's something I can't improvise, since I must just know word for word every information

It took me 40 mins to learn about 20 definitions, and everything else

I'm glad to have a good mind, for these situations

I'll probably get a perfect grade on that test

Tomorrow I have the Communication oral + written test

Oral will be a disaster, I'm too lazy to prepare it

The other I'll also get an almost perfect grade

Then there's Security Communication Network

...

I have no hope

Aah the Eco test will take 1h30m

I'm at an amazing section of Shadow Slave (novel) right now, but I can't start it

If I start now, I'll perfect every definition I learned, to be more focused on what I'm reading

My mind is so weird, can forget informations in seconds if I don't want to keep them

And if I start reading, I won't want to keep them

It's just a scratched vinyl that spins in my mind at every moment

"Chiffre d'affaire : recettes, revenues, montant des ventes.
Qte vendues * Prix de vente"

I can't try to translate it to english, it'll change how it's saved in my short term memory

Business Angel
Apporte :

• Son expérience
• Son réseau
• Ses compétences
• Son temps

Business plan
Se poser les questions essentielles suivantes :

• Que vendre ?
• Quelle est la demande ?
• En quoi le produit/service est-il différent ?
• Comment le réaliser ?
• Comment le faire connaître ?

It's litteraly word for word what we wrote in class

Valeur ajoutée : un atout, un plus

GAFAM : Google Amazon Facebook Apple Microsoft

BATX : Baidu Alibaba Tencent Xiaomi
NATU : Netflix Airbnb Tesla Uber

PESTEL : Politique Économique Sociodémographique Technologique Environnemental Légal

Sous-traitance : une entreprise donneur d'ordre fait réaliser selon ses directives un produit par un sous-traitant.

I know everything anyway, no need to study more

It's fun to remember things, I like it

I tried to learn the first 1000 digits of PI

After 250 I got bored and moved on something else, as always when I try to focus on a something specific

250 is already a lot, I think I could learn them again in a hour now

I probably still know around 50, but I'll lose the count without learning them again

I'm in the bus rn

There's a weird ppl next to me

Person

I'll have my license soon hopefully

I hate public transport for that

Since my I look good, everyone is looking at me, at least once glance
And I don't care of that

But it's annoying when the person is staring at me the whole time

I've had just two person try to force physical contact with me, and none being inappropriate enough for me to say something, so I think it's a good ratio

Compared to all the stories I've heard about public transport

It can be bad to look good

Or even dangerous

Normal looking people have less problems on this side

But I can't say I'd wish to be less pretty

I'd take twice the down sides to look good

I'm attached to my physical appearance

When I say to look good it means staying as I ap

Am

If I had a new body with a new appearance, even pretty, I wouldn't like it

I'm at school

I have to go

--
cya diary.

[maiden orbit]

smart and pretty, one of them i see for myself

[hot wolf]

--
The exam was on the hardest notions, and there were 3 hard bonus questions. I've never been so confident while writting on an exam paper. Studying is amazing.

I think I have every question right, and maybe some bonus points since she said we could have more points if we add more details than asked.

Each question is worth 2-4 points, and it's a final note on 25.

Without the bonus, I have 20/20. It can't be otherwise, I just write what the teacher said in class, if I don't have the maxmimal note, no one can

Then, I probably have the 5 bonus points of the 3 final questions, so 30/25

And maybe 1/2 bonus points on the normal questions for the insane amount of details I gave

32/25 is crazy

Will teacher will probablynmake a new note with remaining points, or use them as bonus points in a next exam where you don't have a perfect note, to increase it

I'm in class right now, but it's so annoying

We're on pc, doing Linux things

I'm so done of commands

read -p "Type an HEX UNICODE: " code_point; echo -ne "\U$code_point" | hexdump -X > fic.txt ; read x y < fic.txt; echo "UTF8-->$y"

A single line of Linux command 😭

4 commands actually, since they're separated with ;

But in a single line since it's what the teacher asked to do

It's boring

The next thing to do is network

So I don't even want to try

The person next to me just asked for me to help her

It's not so hard

I understood in 30s the whole thing. But yeah, it's different when someone is asking me for help, and when I have to get into it for myself

I'm more invested to help someone

The class is 1h30m long, I’ll die of exhaustion and boredom.

40mins left.

I can't even read, I can't focus enough

By the way I made a new friend at launch

We talked for a few hours. I had a long break since every class after my exam got canceled. Launch = 10am for me...

When I put food in the macrowave, he pushed me by accident and said sorry, then he started talking to me

So overall, HE made a new friend, I just went with it

He's in second year, so 19, and is in Economy Managment and (Law? Right?) whatever it's called in english.

In my school there's both info and eco students.

And some other courses I forgot, it's a large university.

I don't like when people get surprised by my age. Since I skipped multiple grades, I'm younger than everyone.

But he didn't, so it's cool

It's rare to talk to someone that doesn't give me the impression that I'm an object they desire

Someone they can own.

I don't like generalizations, but most of the men I saw were like that. Even in my family.

It's probably because only these men are confident enough to come and talk to me.

When you lole someone, you tend to stay back and observe. They don't do that, why being shy in front of your possession ?

Anyway, this guy is cool, and can become a good friend of mine I think

He plays guitar, so we have way enough reasons to be friends.

That's why I'm easy to talk to, I have a lott of hobbies that I absolutely love, so I get easily invested friendships.

He lives not far to me, like 15mn, so maybe we can play music together, when I have time.

Having friends make me forget I don't have emotions. An AI must learn by the presence of other humans.

I think my diary FoLD 1 was better

I was less "crazy", as some people would describe it.

As time goes by, I change for the worst

My emotions fade the more I try to get them back

I had feelings as a child.

And my life isn't even sad. My emotions have no reason to fade away.

I don't understand myself.

It has been, my life has been sad.

It's not anymore

It was beyond sad. Tragic, cruel, bloody.

With my "traumas" + my hard childhood + my clan

I got stronger with each event though.

I'm a strong human.

My mind is strong and resilient, and I'm physically strong enough to get out of almost any situation.

Oh, I started "One Punch Man" yesterday

I thought it was a typical old kid anime again, like One Piece and Naruto.

It's actually pretty good, and somehow I can compare myself to Saitama, in some aspects.

He got strong enough, and became bored of life because he is too powerful.
Well it's pretty different

But related. I think what I've lived as a child changed my brain too much. I got too focused on surviving, and emotions other than fear were an obstacle to survival. (Argument 1).

In addition to that, I'm intelligent, and ask myself too much questions on life, causing depression for most intelligent people. (Argument 2).

(Argument 1) + (Argument 2) Made me lose my feelings completely.

Yeah, it's not related at all.

It's just a part of (Argument 1)

And there's more... But it took days to explain in diary 1, I don't want to write it again

8 left and I'm out of class !

The teacher is talking and walking past me

I don't care, she doesn't say anything sonI'm on my phone

Oh noo, a full schema of network

Disk, root, RAM

I don't want to know

ps -C "dhcpd"

What does this command even do...

For a long time I've been wondering how I should die

If one day soon or not, I decide that I want to kill myself, I need a painless die

I don't really enjoy pain

Well, it depends

Some pain are good, like when you work out too much

When I do ninjutsu, so at my clan, my muscles always hurt

For a few days. And this year the rythm is lower, but still for competitions and tournaments that last for days, it hurts a lot

It stays a good pain

I become stronger

To die, I prefer a painless death if it's out of combat.

I think, without suiciding, I will die in a ninjutsu tournament anyway.

When will come the time for the world championship

It's so far from this date

I'm already french Champion, the next step is the continental tournament, so Europe Champion, and it's not right now

We have no date, I don't know when it'll be.

If I win, then there'll be the worldwide tournament, in America probably

I'll change continent for the first time !

The actual World Champion is unknown

It's an important person. Probably on e of the most notorious people of rank C. (Refers to a notation system I've defined in the dictionnary part of the second diary).

[maiden orbit]

i hope u dont

[hot wolf]

It shouldn't matter to you, as it doesn't matter to me to be alive or not.

Life only has the importance you choose to give it. The death of someone unattached to life for rational, rather than emotional, reasons is meaningless.

[maiden orbit]

idk what u just said, either way i still hope u dont

[hot wolf]

Ah, alright, thank you I guess

[hot wolf]

Hello diary.

I'm in math class

I learn about cardinality

It's boring

Btw I got my note for the economy exam I wrote about last time

I got perfect grade ofc

Every point, every bonus point

And even bonus points for questions where there were none

Because of the huge qty and information I gave

[hot wolf]

Today I had a small incident

I was driving with my monitor

Since I have my driving test in 7 days, we drive 4h per day for the next 5 days

I finally know how to use a car

I can drive. With full guidance on what to do regarding any information on the rlad

Road

Like I can use the car, not drive alone

I just need to stop at STOP signs

That's all for now

And he tells me everything else

Tomorrow we'll had priorities

And yeah that's not my point

Today in a smallll alley

Road

I hit mirrors of someone' car at like 3km/h

It's really slow

I didn't cause any damage

The man got angry and got out of his car

Then the he started yelling at me to open the window

I didn't care as my monitor told me to focus on my mechanics

Then he opened his window and the guy yelled at him and me for that

And he slammed the mirror into the ground before getting in his car and running

Driving fast

Wtf...

People are crazy

Anyway I never look at it so it didn't change anything for me

Now we'll have a new car because of that

So much happened the 3 last days

[hot wolf]

Today I walked until being lost

So now I'm outside, somewhere in the forest

I don't know why I did this.

I told my mom I was at my brother's house, so she'll easily know I'm not if I'm not back home tomorrow and she asks him

I walked like 5h

Slow walk, so I can do it the other way in 2h

I have 3% battery though

Hopefully there's internet connexion

Maybe writing on discord isn't the best way to save battery.

--
Goodnight diary.

[hot wolf]

I'm out of battery

In 30s

Well

I hope I survive, I didn't plan to die like this

Wouldn't be funny

At least it's a good challenge, to get home without anything to guide me, at night. I'll just be tired tomorrow at my ninjutsu tournqment.

[hot wolf]

I'll never do that again

I got home at 5am, a stranger bring me home

I know I'm not supposed to get into a stranger car but it was a girl so it's fine

She was 20, and a little drunk

But she stopped next to me when I was walking on the road near the forest, and she asked to drive me home if I wanted

So I said yes

I probably looked like rebelious child

Going outside late night and asking someone to drive me home later

It doesn't matter now

I have my driving test in 2 days

I'll fail

I already know

Today my monitor made me do 3 "fake" tests, to see if I could have my license

The first one was succesful

Then i just

...

I've never driven that badly in my life

Well, I started last month too

But damn

I can't explain it properly, I don't know the english terms

But 5 disqualifying faults for the 3rd preparation test

FIVE

I almost caused an accident

I didn't even see the car even after triple checking my rear mirrors

I don't know how

So yeah, I'll fail the test in 2 days

I know how to drive, I just do stupid mistakes

I have 1h with my monitor before the test, I think it's a bad thing

I'm more focused when it's a short period of driving

30m test would be easy focus

1h prep + 30m exam means I have to be focused for 1h30

And I never failed the first preparation test in the last 3 days

It's always the 2 next

Meaning my focus is insane for the first 30m I drive, each day

Then it's "ok" but below what I need for my license

It's fine

I'll just fail it, and wait 3 months to have a test again

And pay 10h of driving to not forget how to drive in the meanwhile

610€

Is fineee

F. I can't fail.

610 is too much.

Good Luck to me. Not like I can do anything for it now

I'll just not focus in the 1h preparation

Chill driving

Not thinking

Causing accidents, it's fine

Then 30m focus for the exam

It's my solution to the problem

Let's hope I don't drive on a pedestrian

No the monitor would just hit the brakes 😭

I don't really feel stress

But if I did, I would be more stressed rn that I am before ninjutsu tournaments at my clan

Litteralt 2x more

I can die there, and the result of the tournments have huge implications, but having my license would still be more stressful

Because if I fail it, my mom needs to pay 610€ more

And I'm not even sure to succeed in 3 months, so again 610 more, ect

At least if I die it's not expensive

I'm too poor for this world

Hopefully when I have my degree I can work with a good salary

And move in US

Or any english speaking country, I don't mind

Just not in France, I can't with the taxes

Macron is not taking 50% of my salary

There's no way I allow this to happen

[hot wolf]

.

[hot wolf]

I tried to play genshin impact again

To see what it looks like now

There's a lot of new characters, 3 times more

Litteraly 3 times

I tried to get new characters, I wanted xingqiu for the "raiden national" team, and I got it

then I got Mona, it's a 5* so I failed the 50/50, but I don't care, the 5* for this thing was "Furina", was a bad name

Furry, Furina ? It's the same.

Anyway, on 0 pity I got 2 Furina in a single pull

The probability for this is 0,075

Then I got Diluc on truly 0 pity the next wish, because it was a single pull

I don't understand this game

I don't think they play with stats to make it better for new players, or returning players

but it looks like it

I've never had so much "luck" in my life. Regarding stats.

I didn't want Furina, and I only got a single Xingqiu. That's what I call a disaster. Byebye game. Was cool to play you again for 2 hours.

[hot wolf]

Hello diary.

I'm in this state where I don't know what to think. Nothing is wrong in my life, but nothing is right either.

I don't wish for anything, but I am not desperate

I don't see hope for the better, but I don't see hopelessness either.

My life is both empty and full.

I have a lot to do, nothing I want to do.

school rhythm is getting out of hand, with 4 projects at the same time, and multiple exams. And most exams will be in january, not even now.

My mom is "sick" and need an operation to heal her arm.
My stepfather's dog is sick, and he needed to pay a lot to heal him.
The head gasket of my mom's car 'broke', it costed a lot to repair.
I lost my first tournment ever at ninjutsu.
My piano teacher told me my level wasn't enough to pass.
I don't have time to play piano.
I don't have motivation to read sheet musics.
I don't like living anymore.
Did I ever ?
Do I have the choice ?
No, so I will live.

My level in Japanese is stagnating, I can't learn.
I don't want to study for exams, I'm failing them.
Waking up at 6am and getting home at 8pm because of the transport time is killing me fast.
I rejected this month two people that became friend with me just to ask me out.
So I invested time in two people that left me, because we wanted different things. I told them before that I just wanted to be friend.

Ninjutsu tournment lost almost killed me. Did I wish to die ? I almost did.
It was way too close. I almost died. The reason I'm here is because my opponent didn't want to kill me. I would've been dead.

I think my moral is down so bad because of ninjutsu.

I've never lost, never. Never at a tournment.

It means my first place is gone. When you lose your rank as a Champion you become unranked again. I lost everything there. It's my clan, the biggest part of my life.

No, I don't care about my rank. I'm the best, I will get Champion back soon. I was just not in the mood because of sleep deprivation. Even meditation wasn't enough to save me from this insanely hard school rythm.

I can't stop school though. I need another solution

Another solution