#Fragments of my Life 3 [Diary]

1 messages · Page 2 of 1

hot wolf
#

How can he says it without any pressure tho?

#

Like wtf how are you so confident

#

asking to a minor if she can

#

I SWEAR

#

FRANCE CHANGED

#

It wasn't like it at my era pensivecowboy
First time I use an emoji in all my 3 diaries btw

#

Of course I'm just kidding, my era is gen Z, it has always been like this

#

I'm sad to be in gen Z

#

ANYWAY

#

So I told him, in the calmest way imaginable, "Are you fucking kidding me ?"

#

In french this sentence translated sounds less agressive

#

but it still is, for someone like me. So he was kinda choked.

#

SHOCKED*

#

Damn

#

I'm traumatized now

#

He got mad at me and we starting arguing. I don't even know why.

#

It's his mistake not mine ?

#

Did I tell him I ever wanted to do that ?

#

He said that I accepted and that's why he told me

#

did I??

#

"do you want to be sex friends ? I buy you a laptop" - "wtf no? have you ever done that? Why me ? I told you I wanted to be your friend" - "I like your arms." - "Why ?" - "Because I... I like doing some things..." - "Like what ?" - "I don't know, like choking, tying... I can buy you a Galaxy Book 5, is that fine ?"

#

This was the full dialogue.

#

When did I say I wanted it?

#

Maybe I didn't refuse outright.

#

Do men need a big “NO” to understand?

#

"Men" is general of course, not everyone is like that.

#

Fortunately it's not the case.

#

I maybe showed too much interested ?

#

I asked a lot of questions.

#

But can't I know what's being offered to me ? If we even consider than an offer.

#

I would've never accepted, but can't I know more before answering ?

#

Answering meant the end of our friendship

#

can't I ask more questions and get more informations to make a rational decision on what I should do with him now?

#

Maybe his reasons would've been great, or at least ok, and I could've kept my friend

#

But no

#

In the end he was just yelling at me in the hall of the university, where there's a lot of tables to use our laptops and or eat, or anything else

#

There were only a few people but there were people.

#

I just packed up my things and ignored him.

#

Impossible to talk with a men when his dignity is on the line (generality again, I don't mean "men", as "all men")

#

cba, I just entered a free IT class made to advance our projects, there was a teacher so he didn't follow.

#

Later in the afternoon he saw me walk to the cafeteria but haven't tried to talk with me

#

and I'm glad.

#

So conclusion of my first week of school : I made a friend, The friend asked sex for money as I'm a sIut, and I lost a friend.

#

Wtf...

#

I'm in a really prestigious school

#

How can that happen

#

IN THE FIRST WEEK

#

LIKE, 5 DAYS OF SCHOOL

#

It was the longest week in my entiere life.

#

No, the isolation punishment of my clan (I talked about this in the diary 1), was worst

#

1 hour felt like a week back there

#

But doing 6am-8pm EVERY DAY for 5 days is so exhausting

#

and there's still a full year to go

#

2h30 train to go there and go back home...

#

Right now it's 00:25am

#

and my eyes are red

#

not red, but they're burning

#

So hard

#

I want to write more

#

and more

#

But I'll have to sleep eventually.

#

--

#

I'm writing new stories

#

No, not a single story since I can't focus on a single one.

#

Once I get to 10 chapters or so, I have a whole different new idea

#

So I go into this one.

#

It's not really bad to write different stories, I don't plan to put them at public read for now, it's just for me to write.

#

I don't need to finish my stories, I write for the sake of writing, mainly.

#

I'd also like to have a super good story yes, like the webnovels I've read

#

Shadow Slave is a prime example

#

I really write weird things.

#

Sometimes it's a normal dark fantasy story, then a system level up story, all good for now

#

then it goes into dark romance, ultra dark romance

#

And things I don't want to read again.

#

Writing it feels good, reading the horror I've written feels eww

#

Like really.

#

I'm a disgusting person when you think of it

#

In surface I'm hum hum, "pure"

#

Yeah

#

I am.

#

But in when it involves writing, I'm just the worst human ever created.

#

Even here in my diary.

#

It's not the real me, it's not the fake me.

#

It's just a part of me

#

The facade I want to be in this specific diary

#

I am a different person in every diary, every story, every single word I write.

#

Of course my life remains the same, my emotions, my memories

#

But my opinions, my personality

#

my purity

#

That just depends on what, how, who?

#

I don't really want to explicitly say what I write on since this diary is public, even if I doubt someone else is reading it - this diary is mainly for my to read later, to see my evolution, thoughts process, daily life, ect

#

And it's online so I can't really lose it

#

Except if Stin delete his server

#

Well it could happen, he already closed my "Fragments of Life 1"

#

This diary was so so so so so good

#

Here it's a mess

#

There's no concret opinions

#

no PhVs, no FoLs, and no one could even guess what these abreviations means since I don't care of anyone understanding it.

#

If it was still FoLD 1 (diary 1), It would've stayed the same.

#

And the diary where I write as good as diary 1, with interesting thoughts, and my reflexion on deep subjects - still exist.

#

It's just that I have it somewhere else now.

#

Since I have many diaries with all their own goal, I couldn't just live without this specific diary that I used for philosophical reflexions (PhVs). So I made a new paper one

#

Diary 3 is just a mess, because it's made to be one.

#

I don't structure, and I don't care.

#

I'm so tired.

#

I want to sleep.

#

I want to write.

#

I want to sleep.

#

But I want to write.

#

I can write tomorrow ?

#

But I'll go crazy not writing what I need to write.

#

I don't want to write.

#

I need to write.

#

It's a need, not a desire when it's against my sleep.

#

Why can't I be normal

#

like any person

#

There's a diary with 49k messages

#

It's pretty high

#

For only 7 months

#

It's still so low compared to the I need I have for diaries, and it contains conversations

#

If I only had to write 6,7k messages per month, I'd be so much more productive

#

And I'm already super productive

#

When I tell my friends everything I do they think I'm lying, until a show them

#

There's a piano at our school

#

OMG yes

#

I forgot about that

#

There's a piano at our school

#

I litteraly can play all day

#

No one use it

#

I just lower the sound it's eletric

#

and can play as I want

#

It's so cool

#

I even practice sometimes

#

I don't really like playing in front of people, but it's fine

#

I'm not shy at all, just not my favorite thing to do.

#

--
I'll write the first thing that comes into my mind

#

It's blank lmao

#

Wait I can't be thinking of nothing

#

I'll turn off my pc and go into my bed for now

#

I can just write on phone instead of pc

#

I don't know why I'm not already lying down after such a longg day

#

long and exhausting

#

because of that man

#

I continued the monologue in my head.... Why do I always do that

#

Now I'm so far from when I stopped writing

#

Aaarh I can't recall everything

#

--

#

I wonder what people feel.

#

Emotions, and everything like this

#

As I explained so much times already, so I won't be long, I have no emotions, but can force myself to feel it.

#

It doesn't mean these emotions are real

#

They feel "simulated". I don't know what emotions are supposed to feel like, so I can't really compare, but it feels wrong.

#

It feels fake, even if it's only feelings I've ever known, it still feels fake.

#

I'm so jealous of normal people.

#

Either stupid, ignorant, or even simple-minded people

#

They are so much happier, live a normal life feeling normal emotions

#

Wishing to die is something I'm jealous of.

#

I'm too rational to ever think of dying for sentimental reasons.

#

I could only suicide for rational reasons

#

And that is sad

#

So sad

#

Nobody can understand

#

Not much people at least

#

I'd like to be ignorant, just a simple, normal, ignorant person

#

Feeling anger, joy, sadness normally

#

Without having to fake them and feeling this little thing that tells you, you're feelings are wrong

#

Even here acting jealous, If I wanted to, I'd just lose this feeling

#

Is an AI feeling emotions if it acts angry?

#

No, it doesn't. It simulates

#

I simulate too. But I'm human, so I also feel it for real. The difference is that this stimulation is caused by my own will in reaction of an event, and not by an external factor forcing this stimulation into myself.

#

It's pretty well explained I think.

#

How much time will I write it ?

#

Or will I think it?

#

I want to be normal

#

I wish I could be just a normal person

#

Just a typical person, anyone I can meet in the street

#

Most of them

#

I could be good, bad

#

I don't care

#

Well there's only one type of people I couldn't be

#

The full ignorant person. The one that are convinced of absurdities.
Like, they fully believe they are right and cannot be wrong, even if there's no proof they're right, or they're just wrong.

#

Like people thinking the earth is flat.

#

Or extremist religions belivers who think god absolutly CANNOT, not exist.

#

Like there's a 100% chance there's a god.
That's terrifying.

#

Being convinced of a lie is horrifying.

#

Gabi in Attack of Titan is a great representation of this.

#

Doing bad things, thinking she is in the right, realising afterward that she was indeed the monster.

#

Well it doesn't go that far with flat-earther

#

They're not monsters, just people I wouldn't like to be

#

If I'd like to make a new me (I don't, my life is unique, if if I'm changed it wouldn't be me. Yes I want to be normal, but I don't because it would be I don't exist anymore. It's contradictory, but pretty logical.)

#

If I'd like to make a new me, it would be a person with

#

Mhh, a girl like I am, with yellow hair and blue eyes since I like my own factory settings.
I'd my skin to be a little bit more colored, it's extremely "white". My face and body shapes are perfect, so yes just a copy of me with a darker skin. Still white tho.
I'd also like my scars in my back and the back of my neck to be removed, since it's hard to hide in public. Scars elsewhere can be justified with my combat sport activity, but not for these [unknown adjective] scars.

#

Mentally, just a normal person with normal thoughts of preoccupations

#

I'd like to remove all my ew thoughts

#

Like what I write in my stories

#

Everything so bad that I can't write it here

#

First because it'll get censored, second because it's awkward to read these word. Especially if it's me reading it a few years later.

#

You can guess tho

#

No you absolutly can't, it's worst than what you've thought of.

#

2 times at least. 10 times at worst.

#

But there's only 2 stories with sexual content over 20+ so it's limited

#

And I don't write about humm

#

What you find in the Red Rooms on the dark net

#

It's disgusts me

#

I've seen it once and almost aaaah I don't want to remember

#

It was getting out of my head

#

Stoppmm kfkriek the image

#

Ok it's fine, controled

#

Thank you selective mind, being able to sort memories and lock them up is so useful!

#

Why you do the same with emotions ??

#

Bad selective mind.

#

I'm so tired

#

Btw my relation with my brother has become more normal

#

I saw online a manga term caller "brother complex", it fits what I had

#

I couldn't find a term for what I felt

#

It figured it wasn't romantic affection, so I was a bit lost

#

Well you can't say anything, it's hard for me to understand "feelings".

#

I'm really doing my best.

#

I didn't live enough years on this planet to understand it fully. And it changes as I develop.

#

So I can't master my control of emotions yet.

#

Learning all my feelings is like a child learning there's multiplication after additions.
Each feeling implies another who depends on another

#

For anyone it's natural to just "feel" it, but I have to understand it, and then feel it.

#

Or I feel the wrong emotion when I understand it wrong.

#

Like thinking a brother complex is love and making our relationship a total mess

#

I'm glad he's such a nice person

#

What if I had a bad brother

#

And he accepted my feelings as they were

#

At what point of my life I would be ? Eventually I would've figured it out

#

But what would've I lost ?

#

A brother

#

First

#

My family would've been broken

#

My mom would've kick me out probably

#

And disowned my brother

#

Then I would've realized it's not love by myself, and would've lost a lover

#

At this point of my life, I would've been alone, working somewhere to pay a rent if he wasn't a good person.

#

A mean, not "good"

#

But he could've accepted my feelings, even it's morally and legally wrong

#

He didn't fortunately

#

I think it was a good experience tho

#

My relationship with him is now stronger, and I understand myself more

#

Almost a disaster, but a total boost in my progression

#

I'm like Fushi from "To Your Eternity", learning emotions throught experience.

#

I want to sleep.

#

Hard.

#

My eyes aaah

#

Burning

#

I'll sleep 5h and meditate around 3h

#

I need more sleep than usual after this week

#

Even if meditation is like sleep to me, my eyes are the ones that need sleep right now

#

My brain is just fine. Not that bad at least

#

And my eyes rest better at full sleep

#

Can we call any of my sleep a full sleep?

#

Do soldiers full sleep at war?

#

They can wake up so easily at any danger around them

#

I'm the same because of the ninjutsu training, but if you had to that my "traumas"

#

(it's not trauma, I talked about that in my first Fragment Of Life : A (FoL A) in the diary 1 (FoLD 1)

#

I can't sleep correctly at night

#

No it's not what I meant to write

#

I sleep correctly, I'm just as aware as awaken, or almost, even sometimes more.

#

Because of the bad things that started when I was asleep, not knowing I'll suffer in a few minutes, in a deep and peaceful dream.

#

I hated myself for that back then.

#

How can you sleep so peacefully when your life is at danger ?

#

No, my life was never at danger if I was listening, but you get it

#

No x2, sometimes I was in danger anyway

#

I don't want to give too much details since I've already talked about it and it's so sensitive and need to stay in a single bloc of text, but it make it look worst than it is

#

Forget it

#

I'll go to sleep before dying of sleep deprivation

#

But I need to write !!!

#

Shut up!

#

You shut up!

#

No you!

#

Why are you telling yourself to shut up ?

#

And why not?

#
  • Are you crazy ?
#

I don't think talking to yourself is a sign of crazinness

#

Comon, you're litteraly writing it, it's not only talking to yourself

#

Yes and what ?

#

What ? Are you really asking me ?

#

No I'm asking ME

#

But you are me ?

#

And I am you.

#

Nice Sherlock, you'll go far in life with such perspicacity

#

But not really that far with how crazy you are.

#

I wonder what love is

#

You too?

#

Yes.

#

But is it important ?

#

No it's not.

#

So why you want to know ?

#

Because maybe it is important. Maybe I just never experience it to realize it's important.

#

And will you ever experience it ?

#

No, I will never.

#

Why not ? You can find someone you love like anybody

#

But I can't feel love like anybody. I will never understand what the real feeling of love is.

#

Do blind people never wish to see ? Do deaf people never wish to understand what is even sound ? Why are you so...

#

...I know.

#

I shouldn't complain. I have both eyes and ears working so I shouldn't complain.

#

So you understand.

#

Should I be satisfied with that ? Never having to feel what love is ?

#

Do you have another choice ?

#

No I don't.

#

So endure it, and accept that you will never truly feel love, or any
emotion that fills your body with happiness and warmth.

#

Can I... ?

#

You don't have the choice.

#

But I want it...

#

But you don't.

#

It's so sad

#

It is.

#

I want to die

#

You don't.

#

I don't. I don't even feel the wish to die.

#

I know.

#

Yes you know.

#

I know.

#

I'll sleep.

#

No. Meditate first. You will wake up crying because your thoughts and emotions are messed up

#

But I need to meditate later ?

#

Do it now.

#

Ok.

#

--
goodnight diary.

hot wolf
#

Hello diary.

#

Maybe I'm crazy yes

#

Today I spent 9h writing a new story

#

I'm so hyped about it

#

I spent 0 time on the plot before starting it, so everthing is figured out by writing

#

I have a solid plot after 6 chapters (~15000 words), so it's pretty good

#

Sadly idk what to do between using Chatgpt to correct and fludify my writing, or just post it like that.

#

I tried, and my story look soo much better with little rephrasing and word changes

#

But is it me writing this?

#

I reread everything with this version, and it's perfect, exactly what I wanted to write and how I wanted to write it.

#

It's also not pretty different from what I've written myself

#

It's only a few words, and weird sentences changed to look better

#

But I feel bad

#

Like it's not me writing it.

#

So idk.

#

Do I write for the sake of having a well-writen story, or to be the one who wrote it ?

#

This is not my story anymore.

#

But when I read what I've done without correction, it's ew

#

It's so bad

#

No it's good

#

but it's not good enough

#

I need to read more books to get better writing

#

And I need to spend more time rewriting what I've written

#

It's so annoying.

#

I like just writing what comes into my mind, make it a story, and enjoy reading it.

#

The version rephrased is what I enjoy reading, and not my raw work

#

I could probably make something almost equivalent to this version that's not mine, with like 150% more work, for only 5% better results

#

The only difference would be that it's from me.

#

150% more time spent writing it again and thinking about "how to phrase this better ?" is annoying.

#

I need to do it, I know

#

everyone writing a story does it

#

So should I drop my story already and start a new one not using any AI rephrasing afterward?

#

I can't read the raw version anymore

#

It hurts my eyes

#

and I can't read the good version anymore, it's not mine. I feel bad.

#

I feel like i've lost 9h of my day, doing nothing

#

and I have a text that's no one.

#

It belongs to an AI.

#

I don't think anyone understand how hard this affects me

#

the story is so good

hot wolf
#

I don't know.

hot wolf
#

I still don't know.

#

Tomorrow I wake up at 5am to be on time (8:30am) at school

#

I'm so mad

#

Yet there's nothing to do about it.

#

So,

goodnight diary.

hot wolf
#

Hello diary.

#

Aaah I fking hate when my stepfather thinks he is right when he is NOT

#

I often talk about this here, but this is a special case

#

He dares to contest me on the things I litteraly WORK ON and learn in my high informatic studies

#

Like man

#

You have no concrete knowledge on this specific domain

#

I don't even want to explain the context

#

I don't want to think about it again

#

Why do we have to debate EVERY DINNER

#

like

#

EVERY

#

Sometimes we agree, sometimes we don't

#

But most of the time I'm right and he's wrong. I never have any opinion on a topic I haven't thought about for a while

#

As you can see in my PhVs in my diary 1, I have strong and justified opinions, willing to change if I'm proved wrong

#

BUT HE DON'T WANT TO LEARN

#

When he is wrong, and there's just nothing to do because I've explained in a depth why he is wrong, he just talks a lot, changing topic and trying reinterpret my words, even sometimes changing completely my sentences to absurd thing I absolutely disagree with, and haven't said.

#

I know I should let him think what he wants

#

It's not so easy.

#

Should I just shut up at dinner and watch him teach some fake random facts to my family ?

#

It doesn't really matter much, but I can't accept it

#

He once said he didn’t believe me when I told him that if each of Charlemagne’s descendants had two children, then after over 30 generations, he would have more than 2 billion descendants. Considering that, it’s no surprise that many people in Europe are descended from Charlemagne, and every fully French person is likely one of his descendants.

#

HE SAID IM WRONG

#

I showed him the math, 900 years = ~30 generations, so 2 times 2, times 2, times 2, 30 times is 2^30 =~ 2B

#

And more fact about why we are descendand of Charlemagne

#

and YET

#

I had to show him a written argumentation by ChatGPT summerizing an OFFICIAL paper confirming my facts.

#

It's the only time he accepted that he's wrong.

#

It took 1h20m.

#

The dinner lasted for that long.

#

Every dinner my mom just can't talk, or talk with my sister

#

I mean, we talk too, but after 5m the dinner is already a debate

#

I'm so fking annoyed

#

I swear

#

I wish he was more intelligent

#

Intelligence is composed of much factors, including reasoning, adapting, learning and solving problems

#

Just on the argument on Charlemagne, he showed none of that.

#

And there's so much more...

#

Why would you argue about how AI works with someone studying for a high degree in this domain, who's already built an AI themself from scratch?

#

Like

#

I KNOW HOW IT WORKS

#

I BUILT IT

#

I can accept other people being stupid

#

I'm used to this fact

#

Even my mom isn't very intelligent

#

But everyone has their own flaws

#

I don't really care.

#

Every humain is doing his best at every moment. Even if his best is low or wrong.

#

But my inintelligent stepfather teaching my sister wrong things ?

#

No

#

My sister isn't stupid, she is so annoying as a sister, and a non-social angry human-being

#

But she isn't really stupid.

#

She'll become if she's put with so much low-minded people.

#

I don't consider myself superior as a human being, but I know that my intelligence is higher, just ignoring my IQ (my high reasoning, adaptability, learning, and problem solve), I just think I'm intelligent, for the worst tho.

#

Not being intelligent is a blessing for sanity and happiness

#

Anyway, I'd like my sister to be intelligent too

#

It's something you're kinda born with, but it can be worked on too

#

And it can be lowered as life progress, in a bad environment

#

Because you have the potential of intelligence by being born born with it, doesn't mean you'll be intelligent and use it fully.

#

I don't hate my stepfather

#

He's really cool and helping to our family

#

Even if he argues with my mom always

#

For stupid reasons

#

When I hear about their problems, they look like kids arguin

#

No valable reason, could be solved with communication

#

And even my 2h coaching sessions with my mom about how to save her relationship, when she "broke up", doens't help.

#

Anyway they get together again

#

It's weird for a couple that lasted that long to break and reunite sometimes

#

It's far from the stability everyone's need

#

And they want to buy a new house ?

#

Please fix your the issues in your relation first

#

But they won't listen.

#

I had to interfere once, when my stepfather was being really dumb, saying things he didn't mean, and even just entered our home really angry

#

Because I thought he would hit my mom, of course he didn't, he was just insanely angry but is not violent

#

He almost got tho.

#

I understand him, my mom is SO

#

SOOOOOOOO

#

Even as her child, when she argues with him, I understand

#

I just want to aerhtuz AAAH it's so frustrating how stubborn and stupid she can be sometimes

#

So, when he got into our home, I was meditating and had to wake up

#

They shouted a lot at each other and she reapeated a lot "Get out of here !"

#

Something like that

#

My biological father was violent, and my first stepfather was a raplst pedofile, so I'm used to this kind of stuff

#

So I just went in the stairs and waited, listening to them

#

There wasn't any solvable conflict, they were just insulting each other

#

putting the blame on the other

#

But it was getting close to the point of no return so I just went down and asked him to get out

#

He told me to not interfere, and yes it wasn't my problem

#

But I had to protect my mom, and my mom had to protect me, for most of my childhood. Even if she didn't really protect me correctly.

#

She did her best tho.

#

I just stood gently between them and walked him to the door

#

He didn't hit me

#

I was excepting him to hit me

#

my father did, when I tried the same thing

#

I was really young at the time tho

#

I remember this day he hit me because I asked him why he was hitting my mom

#

I got so mad that I was shaking

#

So I hit him back in the throat

#

I was already pretty good at ninjutsu for my age, but still far from the top of my clan since I was so young. Good enough to know how to defend myself

#

Who would hit its father so... Me

#

Did I do bad?

#

No

#

I didn't.

#

He started choked and grabbed me

#

I was really weak at this time. Even now I wouldn't be stronger than him

#

I'm a girl, strenght isn't my main asset

#

Now I'm stronger than most men even in pure strenght because of my training and all of that, but he is really strong.

#

So, he grabbed me

#

and just threw me away, and my head hit the table corner

#

I remember my mom shout and being at the hospital after

#

She told me later that my head was soaked in blood, and that she thought I were dead

#

I didn't suffer any big permanent damage somehow

#

I still feel it when I touch here lol

#

It doesn't hurt, but it's not there's a littleee hollow in my skull

#

invisible for eyes but you can feel it

#

I was already starting to be like I am now at this age, so I don't think hiting my head made me a diary writting addict, unable to feel emotion and always thinking about philosophical concepts

#

For the emotions, it's probably a natural reaction from my brain to endure this cruel childhood I had to live

#

For philosophical concepts it's probably my IQ, most people with really high IQ & intelligence end up like me from what I've seen

#

So it's something I'm born with and can't change

#

And for the diary habit, it's just a way to - No I'm too lazy to reexplained

#

How many times did I write about this?

#

I even made that long essay in my diary 1, on how my brain works exactly.

#

Emotions, memories, meditating, sleep need, and all of that

#

--

#

I got home 2h ago

#

And already have to go to sleep

#

Nicee, the 2h30 travel time to my school

#

5h in total a day

#

I LIKE IT

#

I'll go read an hour or so then meditate, and sleep.

#

--
goodnight diary.

hot wolf
#

Hello diary.

#

Yesterday that guy, the guy that wanted to go out with me that I rejected, made me a lot of unecessary problems

#

I only heard my friends say that some rumors existed on me

#

I know he also did smth, like he used the photo from the class photo, and used AI to undress me and show his friends

#

I'm not mad about it, because I can't do anything about it

#

why would I care about something I can't control ?

#

It's justt a bit annoying

#

just a bit.

hot wolf
#

Hello diary.

#

I really hate to have to update about this

#

In my university, I have a long date friend of mine. Well, not really a friend, but our parents are close

#

This friend (she) heard about the rumors that this annoying man' spreading about me

#

And what he has done with AI, ect

#

I got at 8pm, took a shower, and instantly my mom called me

#

The situation is taking big proportions for no reason

#

I just want to have a peaceful year

#

School is not my main problem, I need to focus on my ninjutsu clan this year. I don't have time to waste, studying is the only school-related thing I have time to do

#

But my friend told his mom, and his mom told mine

#

It was a good action I guess, it could've "helped me" if I were being bullied

#

but I'm not

#

Leave me aloneeee

#

I wouldn't act like the victim

#

and I don't blame him

#

He's mad I rejected him and need to let out his frustration

#

His problem, his life

#

Even show your friends fake nudes of me, I don't mind... Just don't force my family to get involved

#

If mom does something it could go either way.

#

If he stops, perfect. But he would "lose" if he does that, so he won't

#

If he don't, she might involve my ninjutsu leader...

#

Like last time when I

#

No

#

It would take ages to storytell

#

I said what I wanted to say

#

--
cya diary.

true locust
#

nice idea man

hot wolf
#

Hello diary.

#

Today he apologized, I think it's finally over

#

I confronted him because I wanted him to stop, and he said sorry and that he won't do it again

#

I also told him that we can't be friends anymore, and to avoid each other

#

He agreed with some difficulty and I hope he moves on

#

It's such a waste of time, I don't care about him

#

But I guess he does care about me after what he said to me

#

I've met him 14 days ago, and we didn't even talk that much...

#

I try to be empathetic and respect his feelings though

#

That's why I did everything I could to make him feel like it's okay

#

It's not

#

Denuding someone using AI and showing it to people is cyber bullying and sexual harassment no ?

#

But it's fine, just leave me alone, I don't care.

#

It could've went really bad for him if I cared about these trivial things

#

At least for me it's trivial, pretty much anyone would have reacted hardly to that

#

I even see people mention similar reasons when talking about suicide

#

I think it's understandable

#

To commit suicide for these reasons

#

I understand it, I agree with the existence of this opinion, but it doesn't mean I agree with the opinion itself

#

I've already made that long essay "My value of life and death..." I don't remember the title, it's called PhV 1 in my diary 1

#

So, yes wishing to die for these reasons are understandable

#

In US, I think what we call in France (collège, lycée), are all in the same school, because it's in grades

#

By that I mean, young people stay in the same school for many years, while it's mostly just 4 years, then 3 in another for us (highly depends, and most of the time it's with almost the same people in the other school)

#

Wow my english is dead, I can't even understand myself

#

Sorry I just got out of 10 hours of school, with a single 1h30 break in the middle, used to fix the pb with this annoying man...

#

Was so so hard, way harder than highschool, I had to work... And my "Security Communication Network" don't even talk a correct french I'm so lost 😭😭

#

I used an emoji again ! Note it, it's rare.

#

Wait what was I saying ?...

#

Yes, people staying in the same school for 6+ years with everyone that bullies them, is something really impactful

#

If it happened at like 20yo+, it would be easier to manage, but as a kid, or a teenager, you, (we?), need affection and love

#

And smth like that

#

Aaah i'm so tired sorry

#

Being bullied just make these kids life look like hell, and with that add a difficult family situation

#

If all you've known is hell, why live?

#

Teenagers that have lived hell for long enough, don't have the ability to project themself in a happy future

#

This happy future will almost certainly happen, as it did for everyone that got out alive of this hard step of life, but many cannot just visualise it.

#

And I understand.

#

I often have controversial opinions that look cold, like saying people commiting suicide are dumb, and THEY ARE, for all the reasons I've said before.

#

But kids knowing only hell, can't imagine themselves in heaven

#

A naz1's kid can't imagine a jew being a human.

Sasha couldn't imagine Eldens being good. (SnK)

A believer in god' kid, have trouble imagining a life without god.

Overall, children's prejudices about life are far too difficult to deconstruct solely through critical thinking and rationality.

#

I work only with critical thinking and rationality, since I "almost don't feel emotions" (to summerize)

#

So I can't blame any kid, or even adults, that's been too indoctrinated or conditioned for absurdity and cruauty.

#

Would you blame a serial killer/assassin that's been tortured and trained to kill since he was born?

#

I wouldn't

#

I think that's all I had to say on that

#

But to go further I never hold grudges against individuals, because I don't think anyone is responsable of their actions.

#

Of course, legally we need to be, but if you had philosophy in school, you've talked about the topic of "liberty", including "free-will"

#

I'll consider you know, or have known, or at least have the basics.

#

Free will of action design our capacity of making decisions that's totally ours

#

Spinoza' opinion (a philosopher) on free will is called "determinism".

He thinks that all our decisions are the logical consequences of past factors. That all the thoughts we have are just a combination of factors we don’t control, so we aren’t free.

Factors are :

  • our body and biology
  • our past experiences
  • our environment and society
  • our emotions and desires
  • our beliefs and values

So, for Spinoza, freedom isn't true, every action is the cause of another, and understanding all the causes could even allow us to predict someone exact thoughts and actions.

#

Humm my brain is burning, 10h school with 3h train wasn't enough?!

#

And I'm in the train rn, I'm home in 1h30 :crycrycrycyeucueifrlzizk:

#

It wasn't very clear, yeah just know free will is inexistent since every action we make is the result of causes we don’t choose. All of the factors I mentioned determine us before we even realize it.

That’s why we aren’t really free. We act only as the consequence of all these factors, never outside of them.

And that’s also why I never keep rancor against people. They are not truly free of who they are, of what made them act this way. Judging them as if they had absolute freedom would make no sense.

#

There's a lot of contrary opinions, but "free will" is one of the only topic that stays completly gray in philosophy. In a dissertation that doesn't force you to answer a specific question, you could end up saying that we're not free, or that we're free. Both would be correct.

#

Descartes says "I think, so I am" meaning that if we're able to think, we exist, and Kant says that we're free if we put rules to ourselves and follow them (autonomy)

#

In the context my original opinion, Kant full opinion would be that we're free since we're able to rule ourselves.

We're also free to make a choice or not, even if conditioned by factors that doesn't depend on us. But if you push have a car crash, make a cat fall of a cliff because he was scared, he drowns, make a crocodile that were supposed to die - live, the crocodile kill a child playing in a lake, and the father's child kill the mayor for not taking action to protect the lake and letting his kid die ; are you also a murderer ?

#

No, you're too far from the result of your action.

Is the cat a murderer ? Still too far, and he reacted to his insticts.

Is the crocodile a murderer ? Well, he hit a child but is just an animal following its instincts, he's not.

Then, is the man a murderer for killing the mayor ?

You crashing is just one of the innumerable small factors that got chained, and pushed the man to commit murder.

#

Where did he get the idea to kill him ?

Every action of his life pushed him towards this decision. Is he psychopath ? Biological, or a traumatic problem.

Any other problem that happened in his life ? Well, as we've seen earlier, any decision and action is the result of others.

#

This is why I don't think anyone is really responsible for their actions, and why I feel pity towards those who are considered "bad people".
Did they wish to be like that ? Maybe.
Did they wish to wish to be like that ? No, it was forced by multiple external factors.

#

--

#

Some people have tendencies they never chose. Would you blame thzm for that ?

Just like someone with Tourette’s can’t control the tics that come from their brain, people with certain harmful attractions didn’t decide to feel them. It’s not an illness they caught, it’s not a choice they made, it’s something in the way their brain works.

That’s also why many of them actually suffer a lot. They can feel guilty, ashamed, and trapped inside their own mind, knowing that society will always reject them even if they never act on those impulses.

So, just like I don’t blame someone with Tourette’s for saying things they can’t control, I can't blame someone that have such tendencies. They didn’t choose them, and their suffering is real.

For the ones that take action on these tendencies, at what point should you blame them ?

Some people with Tourette's describe it as an "urge" to say or do something. They can hold it, but it end up being so irritant that they break.

Holding yourself when you feel intense urges, like anything you can imagine times 10, would he pretty much living hell.

Yes, they are guilty of giving in to these impulses, but is it their fault ?

hot wolf
#

Now I'm not defending them. Less intense urges can be treated with help or with extraordinary self-control. Some less harmful impulses (for example, light violence or pdofilia) can sometimes expressed in ways that don't harm that much others, with full consent. (By “pdofilia” I mean Hebophilia and in the worst Hebophilia; acting on pedophilic (15- children) urges always harms a child and is never acceptable.

The most serious urges, like those of serial killing or murder, cannot be justified. I don't say they're innocent, but I don't hold grudges them, because they're not fully responsable of what they are.

#

--
Maybe I should've took more time to write that, it's sensible so my opinion need to be correctly expressed

#

I know what I mean right now, but will the future me reading this, if he has a new opinion on the subject, understand what I meant, by reading that ?

#

Or anyone else reading, but that's just a bonus

#

I got out of my train, I need to put away my phone to talk, what's why I had to stop correcting

#

Let's say it's my opinion on that question, but it lacks precision. It makes me justify too much these ppl actions, when I clearly don't. Mhh plezse my future, remember that I don't consider them innocent.

#

You know what I mean right ?

#

I hope your opinion has evolved, and you're certain of it by the time you read that again.

I don't think it would be different from now, just a bit more affirmed.

The question is gray, maybe you'll make it black or white. Are they inno ent ? Guilty ?
Or maybe you won't let manichaeism take over your undefined opinion, and stay in gray side, as you will do with so much subjects.

#

--
cya diary.

hot wolf
#

Hello diary.

#

I woke up 2h ago, I'm SOO tired.

#

No, no, it's not the worst !

#

I have 2h of class from 8am to 10am, then one hour from 5pm to 6pm

#

And I can't go home since it's so far...

#

WHY did they do that

#

Please

#

Put me a full day, at least I don't go to school for nothing

#
  • it's a important class, it's System Network, where I've never understood a thing
#

And now we have the worst teacher ever so it doesn't help, BUT sometimes it's a different one, and here it's a different one.

#

Save me

#

What will I do in this 6h break ???

#

A lot of things probably, but srlsy

#

I'm so mad

#

I'll learn the... Humm what is it called in english

#

The thing you need to drive, not licence, the theory one

#

Road code ? Traffic code ? Traffic laws ?

#

I have to get it saturday, and I only know 26% of it

Screenshot_20250917-071852.png
#

If I fail, I'll have to move every hours of driving I have planned, to hopefully have my license and get a car

#

Please don't miss it, me.

#

--

#

Yesterday my family talked about greek mythology. Well, just for a movie they've seen a while ago (Knights of the Zodiac)

#

I absolutely love Greek mythology

#

The biggest ressource for someone that's not interested in it, would be "The Epic Musical"

#

Nice, my last 3 messages being deleted bcz I don't have connexion

#

You won't know more, have fun searching

#

I'll go read

#

"Shadow Slave", I'm at chapter 570

#

--
cya diary.

chilly cobalt
#

You got this Janna X3 !!

hot wolf
#

Oh, thank you

hot wolf
#

I got home 2h ago, I'm so tired

#

Had time to take a shower, eat, play 20m piano

#

And now I am

#

My body can't move

#

I'll go to sleep

#

My need to write is not even strong enough to keep me awake

#

I want to advance on the story I'm writing, because I haven't yesterday, but it's impossible

#

I've never felt so tired

#

It's not physical, but mental

#

I can bear many mental exhaustion, of course since we have some training for that in my clan

#

But mental exhaustion caused by school and transport...? This is new to me.

#

I'll get used to it in a month or so

#

Dying is eternal sleep right ?

#

Omg it would be so great to be able to die, and revive when I want

#

Brain is still active during sleep

#

Imagine just 2h of death, it would be like 10h+ worth of sleep

#

No, not really, brain does a lot during sleep for our own good

#

Like sorting the memory of the day, memorizing

#

Things like that

#

But it's process that my brain doesn't do, that's why I need to meditate so much instead of sleeping

#

70% of my sleep time is spent meditating

#

But it's like sleep to me. I must have wrote about 10 paragraphs about that (somewhere)

#

In diary 1 probably.

#

Tomorrow there's a general strike

#

Almost everyone does it

#

Situation in France is really bad, because of our president

#

But idc about that, it just means that there's no train lol

#

i have to wake up at 4:30am!!!

#

Just to take this damn train and be at school at 8:30am. Wtf.?!!?922(482kdkrieidnvkdpz

#

I won't do that.

#

There's absolutely no way. It would mean I'd just have 5h of sleep, if I went to sleep right now.

#

In what world.

#

I have 2h of Data Base class, and 1h of Math class

#

So I need to go

#

At least for math, data base is just some classic SQL, I already know that

#

But math... It's info related maths, I need it

#

I want to write my story aaaaah

#

I have so much ideas

#

I planned like the next 20 chapters, the last 3 chapters, and some ideas in the middle

#

I just need to write

#

With what time...?

#

I have no idea how many chapters my story will have tho.

#

Probably around, hum, a lot.

#

A lottt.

#

I've written a lot already. But it's not even the beginning of the first Arc

#

Just an introduction I'd say

#

It didn't even include any fantasy and sci-fi element, when my story is litteraly centered about that

#

Well, mostly around the main character and second relationship too

#

My lore for this world is amazing I think.

#

I'd say it's like half of Shadow Slave level

#

So better than most of the worlds I've ever seen

#

I'm tired

#

So tired

#

My eyes are burning lol

#

I'll start having solo dialogues if I stay more

#

Like everytime when I'm exhausted

#

I don't think all people talk to themselves in their mind, and have this "voice"

#

But some do

#

I forgot the %, it was like 50%?

#

Since my mind is so strange, as explained enough, I can create personalities and new voices

#

Like a new character in a game

#

It's me in the end, but different

#

I can't talk with it forever, it hurts my brain to make it live for more than a few hours

#

And having a conversation with it is hard

#

Except for when I can write ! Paper or screen

#

I just let my fingers move to type what the voice want to say

#

And I answer by willingly moving them again, according to what "I" want to say.

#

So I don't need to think and split my mind

mystic cave
#

yo? wtf you good?

#

this is a lot

hot wolf
#

I'm good, don't worry

#

--
Today in the 6h break I had...

This man talked to me again

#

I thought we agreed to not talk to each other.

mystic cave
hot wolf
#

Venting I'd say

mystic cave
#

just lmk i’m sorry if i am being

hot wolf
#

When I use the diary for writing my opinion on complex topics (as it was made for), you can interact only by explaining yours,
If I just talk about my life like here, you can interact, I don't mind

mystic cave
#

okies
so what’s the topic
why do you not want to talk to a specific human

hot wolf
#

Wait no, I'm not used to talk to other people like that, you're making me stress in my own diary

mystic cave
#

i’ll stop
continue talking to the diary
ping me or text me idk how discord works tbh if you idk need an ear rather than a diary

hot wolf
#

Okay, thank you

mystic cave
#

you go human

hot wolf
#

--
This man talked to me again.

I was forced to stay with him since he just didn't move and I had a 6h break. I don't give him any interest, so I just did the things I had to do while answering him in autopilot.

#

I'm starting to feel annoying about his presence, he still haven't understood

#

Last year, in highschool (called lycée in France), I wouldn't have had this problem

#

People knew me way enough, I was "popular" for the good and bad reasons.

#

I was friendly and had friendship with most of the people of my year and previous years, and people knew I know how to fight and all, even if they didn't know what I do lol

#

I told a friend of mine that I was a France Champion at boxing, since she asked so much, and she spreaded it

#

I'm a Champion sure, but I don't want to mention Ninjutsu to them

#

Boxing is almost the same...? I'd say, a good boxing level is the basics of what I've learned, in the first year lol

#

Boxing has too much rules tho, remove them, and that's what I've learned

#

People underestimate my combat capacity when they see me

#

Because I don't like threatening

#

I understand, I have no problem against it since I would do the same

#

I'm a girl to start off, most guys would never think I can beat them easily

#

Maybe the bests would realize if they come behind me and touch my shoulders, I always slightly raise my arm by reflex

#

Before realizing it's harmless and put them down. Like 0,5s to see it's not a danger.

#

If you do advanced combat sports you might also have these reflexes

#

Or military ?

#

Oh, in August we had that military elite (term explained someone in the diary), come at my clan to face the leaderboard tops

#

I was the first one to fight him

#

And he just destroyed me...

#

I didn't think I would get destroyed so hard

#

He was 2 heads taller, 40yo maybe, and had a strong body

#

I'm slim and "small"

#

Maybe in a normal contest with our usual weapons, I could've won

#

Katana of course, but even less regular weapons

#

Not a wakizashi tho

#

Or a normal knife

#

He was so fast for his weight

#

Big yeah, it's muscle not fat, so being big help him move faster

#

Not just useless muscle like body builders, but muscle made by training strength and endurance

#

I remembered that suddenly because I looked at my wrist and found that scar I got by trying to hit him

#

He just moved and I almost hit the corner of a wall

#

I moved my hand to avoid it, but my wrist scraped it rly hard

#

Yeah anyway

#

Enough of ninjutsu talk

#

I need to sleep!

#

I'm so dead

#

--

#

My father sent me a message this morning

#

I didn't read it

#

For all the horrible things he did to our family

#

"To me" would be egoist to say

#

Since my mother suffered more

#

My father btw, not my actual stepfather

#

Nor my precedent stepfather, who was even more of a

#

You know

#

Compared to the precedent, my biological father is an angel

#

Well, Lucifer is an angel too?

#

Choosing the worst between Charybde and Scylla is useless anyway

#

I won't read his message

#

And will block his new phone number

#

As before

#

I don't hold grudges as I hardly explained yesterday

#

Or was it the day before ?

#

But I don't like him, so I don't want talk to him.

#

At least he never tried to do anything sexual to me, so I'm pretty much neutral

#

Between neutral and "don't like", idk how to explain

#

If my father was like my precedent stepfather, what person would I have become ?

#

I don't want to know

hot wolf
#

Maybe I would've been a CP idol ?

#

I found about that on the darknet a few years ago

#

Idk why it's so easy to find this kind of stuff

#

You just type it

#

Not even on the darknet, just on the deepweb

#

Maybe I shouldn't be too curious to do the research in the first place

#

lol

#

I mean, it's less disgusting than other things I found there

#

There's some things I wish I never seen

#

Even with my fkced up brain, capable of almost forgetting memories with meditation, I can't get the images out of my head

#

After so much years

#

Not like I've never seen someone dead in real life, but there's real horror if you search too deep

#

Why would I do that

#

I don't know.

#

Why am I the person I am anyway ?

#

I wish I could be normal.

#

I am complaining about not being normal again ?

#

-You already did it so much, stop it.

#

Nononon

#

I'm starting to talk to myself

#

Time to sleep

#

Before it gets too far

#

I hate who I am

#

But I assume who I am.

#

I assume every side of me, I just hate it.

#

I wish I could be different, but it wouldn't be me.

#

I suffer so much

#

It hurts

#

Why do I create myself fake issues to forget kt

#

It

#

Do I care about my dad or anything I've talked about in this diary today?

#

No

#

No I don't.

#

I don't.

#

I really don't.

#

I just need to distract myself from the only thing I'm missing

#

Real emotions

#

Why

#

Why

#

Can't I feel emotions like others.

#

The only thing I can 'feel' is the hole, the absence of this sensation of "feeling" missing.

#

I can't even be sad about it

#

I'm indifferent.

#

If I stopped forcing emotions into myself, what would I be ?

#

A cold and indifferent human?

#

I can't even try. What if I realize that rationally, the best decision is to die

#

After leaving fake emotions aside

#

I hate myself

#

But I assume myself. Why would I deny who I am?

#

My bad sides are infinitely long

#

I'm also objectively an incredible person, if we put aside my controversial opinions

#

But why. Why can't I feel emotions.

#

Is it because I don't feel it that I can be so close and yet so far from perfection ?

#

I would almost reach perfection with feelings, and a true understand of them.

#

All of my bad sides comes from me not understanding how emotions work.

#

I do understand of course. But do an AI understand emotions?

#

Can simulate accurately, can never feel and understand.

#

I'm a fking robot.

#

I wish I could wish to die

#

How many times did I write this sentence ?

#

Too many.

#

I envy the ones that wish to die. At least they can wish.

#

No, I can't even envy. I'm just lying

#

Like an AI, I write text by how it's supposed to be formed

#

Not how I feel it

#

Because I don't feel.

#

Aaah

#

Why

#

At least simulating them allows me to release my frustration

#

Frustration that I also simulate-

#

But, I feel more human

#

Now I'll sleep feeling a bit more human

#

I wish someone could kill me

#

Because I can't suicide myself, rationally it's stupid.

#

Death look so good

#

I'll die eventually, why end it faster by myself anyway.

#

If someone could end it for me though...

#

"Murder me" would be a bit too much to say, no?

#

The word murder looks too agressive

#

It makes look death like a bad thing, a fatality

#

When it's just a deliverance

#

I'm too tired, this state I can feel it, because my brain is going dark and I'm starting to feel the signs of madness.

#

Time to sleep.

#

Maybe I'll die tonight ?

#

I hope so'

#

I want to live, but I don't.

#

In this order, not the other.

#

I want to live, but wouldn't mind dying.

#

"I want to die but wouldn't mind living" would be true.

#

Because I don't want to die.

#

I'm so hard to understand.

#

I understand myself, and can't explain it better without 29485 paragraphs that I don't have the time to write

#

I do it usually, but I need to sleep.

#

Anyway, I hope I'm alive tomorrow, but I also hope someone kills me, without my words having any influence on him.
Just an accident, something I couldn't have avoided. Not me ending my life, but life escaping from me.

#

--
goodnight diary.

hot wolf
#

Hello diary.

#

I'm alive.

#

Today was so hard, there was no train

#

So I had to pay a taxi to go to school...

#

21€ only to go school.

#

I wanted to not, but I couldn't miss that hour of math

#

Also, I feel really stupid lately

#

I don't understand anything we're doing

#

Or not enough to not have to work once home

#

It's the first time ever I'll need to study

#

So I'm questionning myself

#

My intelligence is higher than most person (reasoning, deducting, ect... = IQ)

#

So why some people are still understanding it and not me

#

It never happened

#

It's always others not understanding, and me finding it easy

#

Or I don't understand, but because I don't care

#

Here I care, and don't get it

#

Probably I'll understand by just working 5m at home

#

But 5m is a lot, why do I need to study now?

#

Am I less intelligent as time goes by ?

#

In 3 years, I'll need 2h study to understand something ?

#

This can't be

#

So my ego is hurt

hot wolf
#

I'm bored with life, it's monotonous

#

Well, mine isn't, it's more like movie, but overall, life itself is boring.

#

Btw yesterday I talked with a roleplay AI bot it's so fun

#

I ended up being a vilain and dominating the world

#

I made a better society and bring communism and meritocracy back

#

I don't think it's made to be used like that

#

But it's so fun. It feels like writing a book but way way daster

#

You can make a full story in an hour, and feel it, since your decisions impact directely how it'll go

hot wolf
#

Each weekend I play 1/2 games of League of Legends

#

I enjoy video games even if it's kind of a waste of my time

#

I played three games today, because was close to the next rank

#

I was master for a year or so, and finally got grandmaster, so I'm happy

#

I'll never reach challenger with 2 games per week, but I'm fine with GM, it's already a lot more than some people who plays 10h a day

#

I play Yunara, Jinx, Samira, so only adc role.

#

My wr is 85% on samira, 60 on Yunara, 40 on Jinx

#

But it's normal, I only play Jinx in h the games I'm not sure to carry, where I need the range

#

I pick samira only in the easy games for her, and yunara is my default pick

#

Took 100 games for grandmaster

hot wolf
#

I failed the theory test for my license

#

I think

#

I'll have the results tomorrow

#

Aaah it was so easy

#

But on the app I use to train, I have 40s to answer

#

Here I just had 20secs

#

The questions were easier than on the app, the real test was so simple

#

But I needed to think more

#

I don't have enough practice, I started studying it 10 days ago

#

And only did 9 hours in total

#

We're allowed 5 mistakes on 40 questions or we fail

#

I think I did ~6

#

34/40...

#

We'll see the result I guess

#

But I'm annoyed

#

It's not even a lack of knewledge, 10 days is enough for me to learn about anything new and not too complex

#

It's just the app having 2 times more time

#

To answer

#

I even failed a question I already did on the training app

#

Bcz I needed more time to remember

#

Imagine, I fail it 34/40 on a question I already knew

hot wolf
#

I got it!!!!

#

I was wrong

#

I got it

#

36/40

#

Damn I don't know how

#

I mean

#

I do

#

It's so easy

#

I still don't know how it's called in english but,

#

I succeced at the theory test of the driving license

#

10 days learning

#

So now I can write more of my stories instead of learning that during my 5h transport time each day

#

I have a new story idea

#

I mostly write stories with girls protagonist, because I like more of the interactions that happen

chilly cobalt
#

VryNoice good job

#

Its the Drivers permit?

hot wolf
#

t

hot wolf
# chilly cobalt Its the Drivers permit?

Noo I don't think so. It's a theory exam you need to pass before the exam for driving license, I don't know if it exists in US. It's necessary to even start driving with a monitor in driving school

#

Aah I have translated word-to-word every driving related term in this sentence, maybe it's not how it works outside of France

#

Anyway

#

--

#

Today I had 2h break in the middle of the day

#

I usually spend them writing or reading while listening to music next to my friends

#

Or just talk to my friends. Depends on my state.

#

Today I was busy arguing with one of the rare virtual friend of mine.

#

She is 14, and she met a weird guy online who's a lot older, and I asked her to stop doing what he asks him to do

#

We've been friends for four years already, she was ten. Even if she's pretty younger than me, she's intelligent and mature, so I've always appreciated her

#

This year I wasn't really here for her, since I dropped the few social media I had, except for this account on discord (only for this diary)

#

She had a lot of problems with her family, similar to mines

#

This guy was here for her when she was down bad, but I can't accept how their relation is going

#

The age gap is not even the main problem

#

I mean, it is surely, it's too huge.

#

He's twenty two I think

#

Their relation is toxic, and yeah we could say it's the age gap that provokes this.

#

Their desires can't ever match

#

Appart from the need for affection, and someone to confide in, they want different things

#

--
At 22 you want emotional/financial stability, a mature relationship, and much more things you only acquire when adult.

My friend just want love and affection.

#

She's going bad and want someone to talk to, that's all

#

But for that she needs to meet her desires, at least a bit, or they would never fit together

#

So she's forcing herself to do stupid stuff

#

Like sending pics of her

#

From what I've seen, she hasn't send anything too private

#

But it's already too much, you can't force yourself to send that

#

And it's making her feel bad to do it, or I wouldn't care

#

She feels bad, but she would feel even worst if he decided to throw her because she doesn't meet his criterias

#

She's actually really really smart, and understand this

#

Sometimes, I think I'm talking to myself when she answers.

#

My usual writing (in french), is perfect structuration with "sometimes hard to read" syntaxes, and advanced words

#

Because I like it

#

Ofc I talk like I'm doing rn with the "normal" persons that would be annoyed by it

#

But I need to force myself, it's not natural.

#

Here I'm natural because that's how I write in english

#

I can't write as well as in french anyway.

#

Sooo, yeah I'm off topic again

#

My friend can even be more intelligent than me sometimes

#

She is without a doubt better at scholar intelligence

#

She has better grades and all

#

Which is crazy, knowing how good were mine at her age

#

She has never done an IQ test

#

And she don't want to

#

I've also never wanted to, but math teacher mom asked for it at the first year of "collège" (it's like a 10/11y to 15/16y school)

#

Also she is more pretty than me

#

It's objective only