#i was toxic to my boyfriend

86 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

rain plank
#

So for context, my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 4 months. He is my first boyfriend and going into the rs, I had some unresolved attachment trauma (courtesy of my mother).

At first, our relationship was at its peak. We were happy and energetic -- the honeymoon phase. But arguments began, at first they were small. Then they slowly became bigger. During these times, I didn't think about how toxic I was to him.

Growing up, I had developed an anxious attachment style. My mother basically abandoned me emotionally and always told me that she did it for "my sake." And she was very immature for her age (exhibiting behaviors like narcissism, hoarding, superiority complex, etc.). On top of that, my father was non existent most of my life. So I didn't have a normal environment, so to say.

I developed behaviors that I didn't realize were toxic, not until my boyfriend finally broke down and pointed them out to me. He did so when my mother and I got in a big argument that broke me mentally. So when he pointed them out, I was hurt even more; I became defensive and didn't think about how hurt he was. So, subsequently, he got tired. I told him that I needed help in fixing the toxic things that I had learned, and deep down I wanted him to be the one to help me with them. But I understood that he was tired, hurt, and more probably angry about what I had done. So, I left him alone.

I took him for granted, I made him feel unseen/unloved/unappreciated, and I really regret it. It was my fault for thinking that I was good enough to be in a relationship despite my traumas.

So with that, I'm slowly trying to be better. For him. And for myself as well. But I don't know where to start so I joined these mental health help groups in the hopes of some tips and advice as to how to become better.

#

And the fact that he hasn't given up yet is something that surprised me. I thought about how hurt he is and kept asking myself why hasn't he cut it off yet. I am a terrible person so why would he stay.

Right now, I'm trying to gather hobbies that would better my mental health but unsuccessfully so. And when I scroll in social medias, I'd see things and immediately think of him. But hesitate to send because of our current situation. But at the same time, I wanted to rekindle what we had in the beginning -- those endless sending of memes and reels to each other and that endless talks about life.

But then again, who am I to intrude in his life again...

pulsar pasture
#

Hey, it's your first time and it's great that you realize what you have done wrong.

#

I love that you're trying to change yourself for him.

#

Maybe you could talk to him and tell him that you're sorry.

rain plank
#

I already did that actually, I dont know if I sounded ignorant or unappreciative but what I told him was genuinely from the bottom of my heart. Maybe I could send it here?

#

But the thing is, he hasn't responded to it yet

#

I feel like he still needs time away from me.

pulsar pasture
#

If you feel like you want to then I could read it too.

#

It's okay, everyone needs time.

rain plank
#

This was my message to him, I guess I want your opinion on it as well;

"I'm going to be honest with you. You're reminding me so much of my trauma to the point that it feels like I'm being abandoned again for the second time around. First from my mother, and now you.

Last night, i kept crying all night. Thinking to myself "why does it hurt so much" "maybe i shouldn't have opened my heart to other people" "maybe I am better off alone to not hurt anyone else"

But I'm not blaming you for that. I know that I did things to make you do these things. So I know it's my fault that I'm like this. I don't know if I still sound ignorant or whatever but I'm trying not to be. I said a lot of things out of emotions, things that I regret. I was hurt but you were too and I became defensive. And I'm sorry for that."

#

"Again, I'm not asking you to fix me. I'm asking you to help me identify them so that I can fix whatever it is that may be. I know that you don't understand, because that's not how you function or think. But that's me, that's how I function and I'm sorry if I cant understand or think the way that you want me to. It's fine if you don't want to help. I won't blame you or hold it against you either, and it's not like I have the right to anyways.

You're right. I am intoxicating this rs. And I dont blame you if you dont want to pursue any further. I dont want things to end but if it has to in order to make you happy again then so be it.

Though, I am trying to change little by little. I dont want to make you feel unseen, unappreciated, and unloved anymore. But I cant guarantee you that you'll feel it as quick as you want it to.

I realized that my fear was one of the things holding me back. At school, I was paranoid people would think of me as a hypocrite if I showed affection to you. I was scared of getting reported. And I froze, became distant. At home, calls became rare because I was scared of my mother finding out and ridiculing me all over again. I was afraid and became protective of myself but I didn't think of what it had made you feel, unappreciated, unloved, and unseen. And I took you for granted when I thought you'd just understand. I'm sorry that I had let my fear take control and made you feel that way. Especially after my meltdown with my mother. I felt guilty for what I did to her and I took it out on you even when it was my choice. Again, I'm sorry.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm still scared. Now that I know you're not there and it's my fault. And at this point, you're probably tired of my sorrys.

Last, I want to make things clear. It's not that I don't love myself. I just dont love what's happening to me. There's a difference. The way I love myself is different from how you want me to love you."

rain plank
pulsar pasture
#

Did he respond to your apology?

rain plank
#

Not yet, he still hasnt seen it actually even though I've seen him online from time to time.

#

I figure he's still not ready to talk to me

pulsar pasture
#

Maybe he needs time to respond.

#

Do you see him at school?

rain plank
#

Our school just ended so, no...

pulsar pasture
#

Oh...

rain plank
#

Actually, I invited him to meet up

#

and talk about things in person

#

but he never really responded to it.

pulsar pasture
#

I'm assuming he hasn't cut off contact with you.

#

And that tells me he's just not ready to respond but he still want's to talk to you

rain plank
#

honestly, I've assured him already. That he could just tell me if he wants out. And that I wouldn't hold it against him or anything. Since I know what I did was terrible and I know it in myself that he deserves better.

mental mantle
#

Hey moon, you are not alone in this journey. I am going with same path in my life. Be strong.

rain plank
mental mantle
#

While trying to make others happy don’t let yourself hurt. Take a step at a time, we are imperfect and that is supposed to be perfect.

pulsar pasture
#

Hey moon sorry I'm not good at talking to people I'm still praciticing.

#

I hope it all ends well for you.

rain plank
#

It's ok, envy. I'm glad I had someone to talk to. Thank you 🫶

graceful zealot
#

Hey i feel u, im in a very similar path too, i hope things go well for u

#

I think ur doing much better than i am, keep it up, im sure u can change n be better

#

U seem to hv the willingness n self awareness to change, esp w joining groups like this. U also try to keep in mind his boundaries n know tht youve done wrong to him so he has the right to choose to stay or leave. Ur text also shows vulnerability on ur part. Im sure that w time n consistency, u can change for the better

long mesa
# rain plank So for context, my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 4 months...

The fact that you are reflecting on yourself and realized that your behavior wasn't the best, is already very strong. Many people don't care about what they've said or done and just move on, but reflecting on your own mistakes is a big part of doing better than that in the future and also a part of maturing. I was incredibly toxic about 3 years ago and insulted random people online just for a little laugh and to troll, but I've reflected on me and the world and I'm not like that at all anymore, but im ashamed. You're very smart and that you can name your mistakes just like that isn't something everyone can or want to do. You're definitely able to grow from this situation and good luck

long mesa
rain plank
#

As much as I want to go back to him, it feels like I should leave him be for the time being. I dont want to bother him with helping me or something.

#

Ngl, it feels like talking to strangers is helping. I dont have that adrenaline rush of becoming defensive whenever he replies. And I take what he says a lot softer, though it hurts to hear/relive what I did to him.

rain plank
#

Well so umm... Update I guess...

#

he replied to me

#

and told me that he'll just wait for me to get better and that I should just focus on myself for the time being...

#

And I dont know why but it feels so overwheliming

#

I half expected him to end it.

#

and now with what he said, it feels so pressuring in a sense... I know I shouldn't be but I am...

#

I'm alone, feeling all these kinds of terrible things for what I did, and I don't even know where to start

#

I guess... I'm scared is what I'm trying to say

#

I'm scared of messing things up, I'm scared of him leaving, and I'm scared of hurting him again...

#

I can't even bring myself to reply to him... I'm such a coward

#

And what's worse is that I want to tell him about all this stuff that I'm feeling and be vulnerable to him but I dont want to burden him any further than I have to. It feels like my heart is about to burst into a pieces and I just have to suffer it alone.

sage cairn
#

I read most of it

#

Have you ever thought about getting a pet?

#

Like a dog, cat or bird something?

#

I would recommend getting one

#

You first might need to heal from the trauma you are talking about

rain plank
#

I actually have a pet cat who I spend most of my time with these days

sage cairn
sage cairn
sage cairn
#

Like to balance out all the hurtful moments you have given him...

#

Try to do equal good to balance it out

rain plank
#

I tried inviting him out, like to hang out, but he never responded to it

#

we live quite far from one another and being online reduces my options

#

and especially now, I doubt he'll be up to me inviting him to talk through calls

#

and thinking about it, even if he does agree with calls. I'm socially awkward person and I think I'll just freeze up and make things more awkward than it has to be

sage cairn
sage cairn
#

At the very least just ask him if there's anything you could help him out with

#

He's going to deny of course but willingness is important

sage cairn
#

You can ask him out when you think the soreness has depleted

rain plank
rain plank
rain plank
#

when i messaged him previously, it took him at least a day to respond even though I've seen him online a couple of times...

#

I dont think he even wants to talk to me anymore

rain plank
#

When she found out about my boyfriend and I, she became brutal. Even going as far as comparing my boyfriend to my cheating father, telling me how my boyfriend is just with me for the laughs, and even threatening to go to his home.

rain plank
rain plank
#

I dont know... Even if I ask him, I know him well enough to know that he'll just tell me to focus on myself...

sage cairn
rain plank
#

Maybe I should

#

I'll just leave him be for now