#heather’s venting journal ♡ 🐈‍⬛

1243 messages · Page 2 of 2 (latest)

strong inlet
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i’m so hungry

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i’m so tired

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i’m so upset

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i’m so mad

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and keep it all in and shut up and enjoy the fact that i’m away from my ex or all i can do is laugh

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i insult myself so much in my brain

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telling myself how stupid i am for all of this shit and how i put myself here and i can’t blame anyone but me because im stupid and don’t know how to say no bc i want to be loved and i know how it feels to be hurt and i wouldn’t wish that upon anyone

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am i anymore bruh

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i’ve even been doing worse on games

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i can’t concentrate like i used to i can’t focus i can’t feel as good as i used to

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it is fun to play w my bf tho to be honest even if we lose he makes it fun

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i guess thinking of that made me feel better

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i’m getting my cat vaccinations shots today i feel bad for him. i know he’s gonna be mad at me

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i’m so hungry i’m going to throw up

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but i can’t eat until like an hour

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my eyes feels so dead for 2 hours of sleep and crying my eyes out for more than i’ve slept for

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when things were good for me and my friend for like 2 days we played resident evil 5 and we had so much fun we laughed until he started crying and my stomach was hurting so much but i still couldn’t stop laughing

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that was a lot of fun. i wish we got to finish the game. we were getting towards the end. he never played any re games too so it was fun to show him everything and that stupid chris metal skin i always wore that looked so stupid in the cutscenes

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god damnit the game was just getting to the best parts

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i guess that’s why that friendship hurt a lot to lose bc i genuinely fucking love playing games and it’s hard for me to find someone to connect and have fun with

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games always got me through everything since i was a kid

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and it’s like damn wtf is gonna get me through now like i guess i have to make new friends but ugh it’s just energy and effort but i didn’t have to worry about that w him at all i was 100% my genuine self

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i would of had so much more clips of us but he had it so he was muted when i took clips while we were in party so you could only hear me when we were in party

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and i just didn’t take so much clips bc i thought it would never end yk like why would i need to take sm clips of funny stuff like this is gonna happen so much

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my bf just reminds me to think of the good times and remember the good times happened and appreciate them and it helps bc i don’t want to have anger or anything. just taking it as grief i guess

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my eyes and stomach bruh

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i’ve never ate this little in my life but also been so fat in my life

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how tf is that even possible

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i try to avoid my weight but i’m obv just gaining weight but i don’t understand i’ve never ate this little before

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but i guess i don’t walk around as much as i used to im always always in my room but idk ppl stay in their rooms all the time but are still skinny

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i’m fucking hungry i usually don’t care abt my weight bc i always avoid mirrors but god when i look in the mirror i regret it and feel so shameful

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my head hurts too

strong inlet
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i cried for 1 min, i wish it was for longer. i have so much to let out but i cant

fallow island
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Ever considered just trying to find that out?

fallow island
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Absolutely peak with a friend

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I can relate to that alot

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They do

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Major reason why people quickly "fall in love" with those that show kindness is because they've probably rarely received that level of kindess or care in their lifes so they see an opportunity to seize it and act on it

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But fucking hell that rarely ever ends in any good way

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🙏

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You could say it's out of desperation or not even love

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Love and obsession are soooo so so so easy to confuse eachother with

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It's deeply psychological

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Person gives kindness = you like person = you want more of kindness = receive more kindness = decide you love person = actually love kindness

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Smol tip

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Someone that truly loves you would be able to let you go

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But seriously idk how much you sweet talk them for almost all to fall in love with you that quickly and often 😭

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I recommend you speak to your therapist and tell him exactly what you said here

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If you want to tell me more about the situation, maybe i can help a bit more

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If not, that's totally fine too

strong inlet
# fallow island <:hamster:1243091630420922389>

thank you so much , you always say the best things to me but i also feel bad because you probably know all of these things because you’ve been through so much yourself. sometimes it takes me days to answer because i get so caught up in my head, i get scared to accept the positive and good words because im so overwhelmed w the negative it’s hard to see. remembering your words esp in shit situations really helps me a lot and clears up the fog my overthinking gives me

fallow island
fallow island
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To summarize, your fear of accepting the positives, the overthinking and getting caught up in your head, it all really comes FROM your own head

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So stay focused, keep a cool mind and use that smoart brain of yours not to make things worse for you but to instead think about it logically and assess the situation

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Take care

strong inlet
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me thinking if i stay in smt shit maybe eventually it’ll get better , maybe i need to do smt morethinker

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me surprised it doesn’t get better HamsterStare

strong inlet
# fallow island Take care

thank you for all of your kind words it rly meant a lot being able to come back and reread them esp when i feel frozen and can’t let out how i feel. i hope you’ve been doing okay i really appreciate you

fallow island
strong inlet
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i still can’t get it out of my head when my therapist said i’m helpless if i don’t do smt for myself…. like why else am i going to therapy and paying you and ask for help. like im literally telling you im terrified im frozen in fear but nope im still helpless

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sure he apologized and realized it was wrong but i’ve never felt the same since then

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i’ve been feeling so depressed, and if i’m not depressed then im irritated as FUCK

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i’ve been getting mad at everything so easily, i’ve been so tired physically and emotionally too

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i have therapy tmr and all i can think of is how he called me helpless

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actually i was supposed to have fucking therapy on thursday but my therapy literally IGNORED me.

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like awesome!!

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he used to actually help a lot but now i feel like im not worth putting the effort in or smt like he doesn’t care as much or smt idk.

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i feel so depressed and if i’m not depressed then im irritated and if not then im anxious

strong inlet
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okay cool

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so my therapist texts me today “remember season today” 30 mins before the session and i reacted w a thumbs up 5 mins before the session

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and he never called me

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like i shouldn’t have to tell you hey there’s a session? i never had to before so now suddenly i do?

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i was supposed to have a season on tuesday, didn’t happen so got moved to thursday, thursday didn’t happen so got moved to saturday, saturday didn’t happen so it was supposed to be today. never got a call today.

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i’m not even bothered to text him “hey sooo season? so you ginna call me for session today?” like i’m just so over it ill cope myself

fallow island
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Doesn't sound like a therapist tbh

strong inlet
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yeah i haven’t talked to him since

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i rly rly do want therapy and absolutely need it desperately but god this therapy is making me feel worse and more anxious

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maybe i’ll try another session on saturday i don’t know

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i desperately need therapy

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sad bc that therapist used to help the very most but now i feel scared to depend on him

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i’ve been having nightmares every night, i still feel tired when i wake up bc my dreams felt like a whole day or two

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i feel so scared and anxious and it’s hard to reach out and respond to ppl

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everything is stupidly hard

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i also miss my friend that left bc he gained feelings for me

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we have each other blocked but i saw he edited a message and said “ honestly, fuck you” so those were his very last words to me i guess. he was being very manipulative saying “it’s not ur fault if i kill myself bc we don’t talk anymore bc u have a bf now” like dude i never owed you anything and i even told u even if i don’t have a bf, im not interested in u like that

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whatever i guess idk im still sad. like he seriously was such a fun friend but i guess not necessarily a good one

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it’s 12am just wake up from a nightmare

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i’m tired so tired

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i wanna respond to ppl that have texted me but it’s so hard

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i don’t feel as manic as i used to tho i guess, it was so bad a few weeks ago i actually felt like i was going back to 2022

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i hope i never met my ex ever again. i hope i never hear or see a sentence from him ever again

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i’m pretty upset

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sad

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i forget ppl think the word upset can be mad

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i’m not even mad

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i just feel at defeat

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sometimes all i feel is mad bc im so so sick of being sad and i wanna fight it and defend myself and get out of this hole so i fight back

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but god that isn’t me, i hate being mad

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it isn’t me

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wtv that sounds cringe

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but like i love caring

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i love communicating

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not being mad

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been playing a lot of tomodachi, i need more ppl to make but idk who i should make

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that game unironically is helping me learn how to draw better lmao

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i feel a bit better talking abt it in my journal i guess

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how old is this fuck ass journal

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DAMN since april 26 2025

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ts over a year old

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i am lorde yayaya

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strong inlet
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missing my friend a little extra today

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it’s been 25 days since we stopped talking

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almost a month

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i woke up today and saw he deleted the message where he said “honestly, fuck you”

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i don’t know what that means really

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but 25 days later and he’s deleting messing and stuff

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so maybe he still misses me

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like maybe he wasn’t actually mad

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like he didn’t mean the fuck yo

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he was prob just drunk and upset

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but i didn’t owe him anything, i would never be into him esp bc he lives in a diff country

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whatever

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i just miss my friend

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the laughs

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i try not to admit that i miss him

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but i do

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i don’t rly have anyone to tell it to either

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i hope he isn’t mad at me

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i don’t want him to have anger or fight, i want him to be free and happy

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he said i was the first person he ever told his feelings to like how depressed he is and his childhood

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he said he never ever told anyone at all no matter how important or how long he knew them he never told them how he felt

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but he told me

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i feel bad i do

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but i didn’t owe him anything

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i keep telling myself that

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i wish we could of just been bsf and i would of loved to listen and be there i seriously was so proud he opened up

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but i understand you don’t necessarily choose to have feelings for ppl and shit

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but it was so very fun

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everything

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like even when he was being a drunk piece of shit, i let him know and he always apologized. sometimes i ddint even let him know , he just apologized himself

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but i wonder, did he apologize bc he had feelings for me?? if it were just friends would he actually apologize?

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like did all his actions towards me were just feelings? not actual friendship ?

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sometimes when i listen to all the laughs in the clips i rewatch from our gameplay i wonder, were that just feelings? i thought it was friendship. maybe towards the end ik it was feelings but was it feelings this whole time ?

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i don’t know just wanted him to be my friend

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he was an awesome friend w having friend and talking abt shit

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like dude one time my status was abt me being sad and he texted me like he’s here for me if anything and at this point we never ever ever talked about our feelings, all we did was play games just played overwatch. it was so kind of him to do that

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we played and he knew i was rly sad and going through rough shit and that meant so very much. i didn’t even have to tell him what was wrong, just him simply knowing im having a rly hard time yet he chooses to stay and even reach out even more meant so fucking much man

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then we had fun laughing our asses off

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like that was seriously what i fucking needed man

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and i’m entirely grateful for him and i miss him

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it feels like i’m grieving him

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bc i’ll never ever talk to him ever again ever never ever know a single thing abt him ever again ever like he’s dead

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it’s silly bc the guy i’m with has the exact same first and last time as him

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i do hope he’s okay

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but selfishly i also do miss him and wish we could play again

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maybe i’ll put some clips together of us so i can watch it when i miss him and enjoy it and get a silly laugh out of it to

fallow island
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Bum ahh therapist

fallow island
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Aw hell no

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Guy is a fraud

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Shi i've been helping people for free

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And i'm not even a professional

fallow island
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But i don't even have a switch

fallow island
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I'm right here GENUINELYsobbing

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I'm kiddin

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Or not

fallow island
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Only he could tell you that

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But i wouldn't try to talk to him

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Tbh sometimes it feels odd responding to your journaling, maybe leaving some words of encouragement or advice and then dipping for a week

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It's like

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A weekly side quest at times

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Though i enjoy helping

fallow island
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You're not alone

strong inlet
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thank you some awesome person patrick_praying i always appreciate you and means more than yk that you read and respond when you can

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i haven’t been on here in a min tho

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i haven’t been to my therapist in like a month, i might go today bc i actually do need advice on some shit but i’m def way more cautious and worried bc i don’t want to hear “yeah ur helpless” like bruh

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main thing rn is i’m fucking tired of comforting ppl that hurt me. i’m so sick of it, i can’t do ts anymore

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i’ve also been way tired/sleepy more than usual. my dreams are the same exact same shit everyday, i’m in a mental hospital or college dorm (can’t tell the difference bc honestly what’s the difference i feel terrible and anxious af in both) and i’m like trying to escape and always always always go to a pool. a pool is always in my dreams whether im rushing to get ready or im there at the pool, a pool is always in my dreams

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it makes it hard to differentiate reality and dreams

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also some ppl on this server piss me off

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they think their thinking is so right and aren’t open minded to others and their mindset

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like if you aren’t gonna do that, then don’t even bother trying to comfrt ppl wtf? lmfao

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i way prefer typing here even if it’s only to myself and only myself sees it, at least then i don’t get bummy ass ppl

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my bf hates hates hates that i type here tho

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like absolutely fucking hates it

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he never wants me to

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but i let him know like hey dude, i need ts

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i need to let it out somewhere if you push me away

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i always go to him first, but half the time he pushes me away and literally told me “i don’t need ur fears rn heather “ so i said bet

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now he’s like “i hate that i said that i regret it” like i don’t doubt it, but it doesn’t just leave my mind

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i’m still hurt

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i still don’t feel as safe

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you gotta like earn that back you gotta prove to me w ur action and words

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i’m tired of constantly giving myself to ppl and easily forgiving them, bc then they do it again and again bc they instinctively know i’ll always forgive them

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dude then my mom had a nightmare last night and was screaming so i rushed to her and helped her calm down

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but my fucking GOD when i have an nightmare or panic attack does she do that?? NO she either tells me to shut up im being too loud and slams her door or yells in annoyance then slams her door and ignores me all day

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it’s been like that since i was a kid

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it hasn’t changed it hasn’t improved nothing

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hahahahahHA my god bro my fucking godmy own mom does ts to me even my mom

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i was fine comforting her, but then i remembered.. wait.. she’s NEVER done this for me.. here i am giving her the parenting i’ve been wanting for all my life

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still love her to death and everything but my fucking god mom

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i’m so tired of everyone shit MAN nooo nooo

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like okay cool you weren’t there for me i don’t care

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u want me to be there for u but u pushed me away when i asked for you

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like wtv bruh

strong inlet
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feeling extreme anxious tonight, like pit in stomach, nausea anxious like impending doom like i’m waking for smt bad to happen

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i don’t know why too and that’s scaring me even more

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gonna try to play tomodachi and sleep it off maybe i guess

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i feel scared

strong inlet
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woke up crying and drenched in sweat bc i had a terrible nightmare

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i’m so exhausted man i don’t even know why im so upset but im so upset

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i’m too exhausted to even think im so upset

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i just wanna go and do fish tank stuff guess get my mind off it

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my betta fish tank i worked the other day. i’ve been selling those floating plants bc they’re too much, literally just constantly overlapping each other

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we dont talk abt the lid… (i accidentally broke itnooo )

strong inlet
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the most littlest things make me pissed and off edge and i hate it bruh i just wanna have fun and be nice and enjoy my time

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esp w my bf

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i keep getting so irritated w the smallest things

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i’m high af so i can say ts easily

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but i feel so ashamed and stupid and stuck and frozen like bruh

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why am i so IRRITATED

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it pisses me off that im irritated

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i think i am bc im tired of dealing w bullshit but i’m also tired of fighting

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i don’t wanna fight to have my right and boundaries respected

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but i feel like im not taken seriously if i don’t show im seriously fucking pissed over it

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i love you weed lovehappy

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i am you and you make me me weed i love you

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not really i don’t need weed but it’s the best medicine ive ever had personally

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i hated ssri’s and shit. weed actually mellows me out and stuff. i’ve been having a med card since i was 15 for a reason

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i should take another dab thinker