I need support in order to survive (tw. Suicide, sh)

[stark abyss]

Hello, recently I am being pushed around by my mental health. I am having constant mood swings, changes of my thoughts, agression and especially ||extreme self harm throughts and suicide thoughts||. At this point I can't function at school, as every single day I have active suicidal thoughts. More and more friends leave me or isolate themselves from me, and I do not have stable support. My family has been emotionally abusive for years, and my mother being a doctor interfered with my therapy and made it fail in the past. So far I have not found therapy, and due to bad conditions in my country's mental health hospitals and fear of my mother's control I can't go in there. For now I need to rely on other types of support to survive to the day when I can get real therapy finally. I am asking you for your health and support (I also wrote this really chaotically)

[slate beacon]

Hello!

id recommend finding online help sources@

[slate beacon]

Try talking to uour school consouler

[stark abyss]

I don't think it's a good idea, since my parents would find out and I'm afraid my school chancellor will send me to hospital immidiately

[stark abyss]

Yes, but both of stuff you mentioned are risking me getting into hospital, which I would rather avoid as mentioned

[slate beacon]

Look msn

I personally think its better to go

BEfore it gets worse

its brave you reached out but please seek help

[slate beacon]

Online help doesnt always

[stark abyss]

The best would be online help from other countries than my own. Do you know any hotline (that can speak english no problem) that is available worldwide?

[slate beacon]

Yes

[stark abyss]

I've tried reaching Trevor Project, but they only allow USA citizens to contact them

[stark abyss]

Oh, then what do you know?

[slate beacon]

Bs honestly

[stark abyss]

Sorry, but what do u mean?

[wicked turret]

I'm autistic so im very sorry for saying this, but as a self harmer i'd recomend you self harm instead of ending it. permenant damage is better then it all being gone. sorry for being wierd but i just find this to be a better option while you wait for help.

[blissful badge]

Dude, you need God🙏❤️
just read 1 Peter 5:7

I was once attempt to end up my life because of endless bullying not only on strangers but on my own family😭

and i realized that i have a purpose why i am i alive😊

Is to be a Children Of God😊
and i am one of the chosen😊

[hoary swift]

I just want to say, I see you. I see the pain you’re carrying and the strength it takes to even put it into words let alone share it publicly. That takes so much courage. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, and even more sorry that the people around you (especially your family) haven’t been there in the way you need and deserve. It’s not fair that you’re having to fight this hard just to survive but I want you to know you’re not alone. Even if it feels like people are walking away, there are people who care deeply, even if we’re not right next to you. You matter so much, even when your mind tries to tell you otherwise. And your existence isn’t a burden, it’s important. I know words can’t fix everything, but please hold on. Hold on for the future you who finally gets the support and love they’ve always deserved. Real therapy, real healing, real peace, they will come. If you ever need someone to talk to, vent to in the future, I’m here. You’re not weak for feeling this way. You’re strong for surviving it. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute and nano-second at a time.. Keep going and you'll surely reach the happy life that everyone deserves, I'm sure of it💞

[dense sierra]

no

self harming is addictive

[stark abyss]

That's what I used to do, but currently due to my autism my body can't handle the pain of the infected wounds, so even if I want to self harm I am doing it less because it's harder to

[stark abyss]

Yeah, I am still pretty addicted even if it's harder to do..

[stark abyss]

Any last ditch of help I appriciate and is needed, so emotional support is always good ^^

[stark abyss]

but your advice is true, as during my attempts self harm did save me in the end

[stark abyss]

Good u find ur purpose, even tho I am atheist ^^

[dense sierra]

do u know what caused ur suicidal thoughts? (not knowing is an answer and so is a build up of stuff)

also what do you have? ex. depression, anxiety, etc

[stark abyss]

There are really so many reasons. From my family, friends leaving me, instability and hallucinations from disorders, isolation, my minor brain damage, Failure of therapy in the past, gender disphoria and some more too

[stark abyss]

As for fully diagnosed I have autism and PTSD (which might be C-PTSD)

I am presuming I might have something else too due to my state and stuff going on with me

Something that could be BPD or even Borderline

I have no official confirmation hoever

[stark abyss]

Also sometimes I am suicidal for seemingly no reason, but that happens less often

[minor iris]

I am not sure if this has been resolved, as I have not read any of the messages in this. But I wanted you to know that death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and you will always be pushed around not by your mental health but by life. The important thing is that you don't fight life back and try to push life around but always get up and never give up when pushed around.

[stark abyss]

Still, at this rate my mental disorders are getting stronger

[blissful badge]

just slow down and rethink why are you still living right now😊

while listening to the relaxing music😊👍

look at the bright side of the world👍😊

[stark abyss]

Because I failed to commit suicide

[stark abyss]

It's kind of hard to since I have strong mental disorders, lack of friends, abusive parents and ugly body

[minor iris]

But you have the gift of life. Think about at the end of the road when it is about to end how you overcame the strong thoughts of suicide

Think about when your dead and other people ask to read your story pf life and it just ends on 1 of those cliff hangers of "I killed myself".

[stark abyss]

For now my story is embarassing and not even worth remembering

[minor iris]

Yes it is if you cant overcome it

everyone loves a story where a hero beats a villian

but people love a story even more when the villian almost gets the best of the hero but the hero still wins

[stark abyss]

I'd say I am a villain with character development becoming maybe not a hero, but a better person

[minor iris]

and thats something ppl want to see more than any villian get beat

A villian change and become the hero

[stark abyss]

That's what I'm trying to do. Problem is due to my awful habits in the past (such as absolute hate towards minorities) I still have those habits in me, and my disorders are enforcing them

[minor iris]

Well then the first thing you need to do is look in you and change whatever is holding you back from changing

I cant change you with words alone

you have to take the steps to figure out what that is on your own then come back here to other people to apply to those changes.

[stark abyss]

Problem is something out of my will is making me unable to. Not a thought, something almost.. neurollogical. I need meds for sure

[minor iris]

do you know what that is or are you trying to figure it out?

[stark abyss]

Disorder for sure, but which one I am not. It might be related to Bipolar or Borderline, but also to Schizophrenia

My brain damage also could benefit it

[minor iris]

I want you to know that this is an amazing start to a solution

yk you have everything seemingly stacked against you

but as soon as you get going you are going to sky rocket in progress

you are starting at rock bottom\

and the good thing about that

is there is no where else to go but up

[stark abyss]

Well, you mentioned you didn't read earlier messages so

Ima tell you that I had therapy earlier in my life

Including 2 psychiatrists also

but I was misdiagnosed with OCD and given wrong meds

soo the problem throughout the next 4 years was not fixed

(We're here after 2 years after my therapy ended)

[minor iris]

therapists are often times not the very best at what they do

My sister has adhd

[stark abyss]

Yes, I had 11 different mental health professionals and none of them really adressed my problems

I know I was 12-14 back then, but still

[minor iris]

her grades were dropping and she had very clears signs of it but it took them 2 years to diagnose her

[stark abyss]

Damn, good she got diagnosed in the end

I have those problem ongoing for years

Currently I really struggle to go to school and pass tests

due to sheer ammount of hallucinations, outbursts and suicidal thought

[minor iris]

You dont need a therapist for this because the difference is they can and were wrong

[stark abyss]

So I need to find what is responsible for it

[minor iris]

hallucinations of what?

[stark abyss]

but a solution to my traumas will surely benefit me getting better

[stark abyss]

My suicide, my friends or I getting brutally murdered (including me feeling pain for a moment irl)

Flashbacks also

[minor iris]

does all of this stem from a child hood trauma?

[stark abyss]

Flashbacks are coming for PTSD for sure.

[stark abyss]

I have really a variety of traumas, but from childhood too

but yes from childhood included

[minor iris]

is there a specific event that this stems from?

[stark abyss]

There were a lot of events which pile up

In my childhood I don't think there's one as only one who traumatized me

Just many together

[minor iris]

Think of it like this

its a tree

and you need to get the roots of this tree down into the depths of hell

before the leaves of the tree reach heaven

however you cant grow those roots to hell if they are just being syphoned off of by parasites for years

Find the root cause of these parasites and find out why do these stay with me

why cant I just take the medicine and be rid of them

[stark abyss]

I know those roots, but ripping them out is harder than I initiallly thought

I know my traumas, I know what triggers me

[minor iris]

do you know what triggers those?

does it only happen when your alone?

[stark abyss]

Triggers are often pretty random, and there are a large chain reaction. This means from a minor trigger I can quickly reach a major one

[minor iris]

Do they happen when people are around?

[stark abyss]

Yes. That's the worst part that in public I am risking getting triggered more

[minor iris]

thats odd...

Ive never heard of a situation where its worse in public

[stark abyss]

In my case it is, as simply presence of others boosts it

That's why I sometimes stay at home to prevent it's escalation

[minor iris]

You know

Its a risk

but how about you go out 1 day and just have a covno with someone

I know its risky but esspecially if you talk to someone you think is attractive

it will get your adrenaline going and hopefully make you NOT want to hallucinate

[stark abyss]

For now I don't have a crush

Like seriously saying.

[minor iris]

Well it doesnt have to be someone you find attractive

[stark abyss]

I don't have such person I can reach for

[minor iris]

I mean just a random dude

just go up and be yourself and talk to them

[stark abyss]

I barely can talk to my own friends

Let alone a stranger

[minor iris]

Exactly I know how it feels

but if you can build the courage to step out of your comfort zone like that

It will help you take your mind off the bad things

[stark abyss]

That didn't work out as it was supposed to.

[stark abyss]

Um is anybody available?

I'm getting unstable again