#Anxious attachment and relationship problems

33 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

unreal rune Feb 26, 2025, 8:09 PM

Hey my name is kwee and I'm 26 years old and I want to learn how to be a secure attachment style instead of anxious my girlfriend and I have problems too and I don't know if it's because I'm overthinking or what I just need help and need to vent

My girlfriend is an avoidant attachment style and she has all the trauma you could think of. We met online. We were on and off for a bit main reason being is that she wasn't completely over an ex. But then she had enough and is completely over the ex or so what I've been told. Either way I got burned by her about not being over the ex about 2 or 3 times. She finally told me he was in the past and she blocked him blah blah blah. She said she wanted to be with me and didn't want to lose me

She then moved from where she was to me

Sorry might take me long to write out the backstory

She moved and everything was fine there was love and affection then one day she got a message from the ex explaining was a misunderstanding and he didn't mean to ghost her whatever and she felt bad for ignoring or blocking him. I explained how uncomfortable I was if she did reconnect but she did anyways we got into an argument and the ex is going through it he is depressed, lost his jobs, living in his car, and suicidal. My girlfriend is also depressed and suicidal. Ever since moving here she hasn't had a job doesn't pay rent and I paid for everything including her bills

unreal rune Feb 26, 2025, 9:45 PM

But because they're both depressed they relate to it. She claims they're just friends supporting each other but one day they were on at 24 hour plus phone call and she completely ignored me. We argued again telling her I'm uncomfortable about it. I understand everyone needs someone they need to talk to when they've hit rock bottom. So I'm okay with them being friends but the long calls do make me feel uncomfortable

She's always hot and cold affectionate wise

Since she's avoidant she distance herself

And I'm at the point where I don't know what to do I need hel

I might be missing details but feel free to ask

knotty drift Feb 26, 2025, 10:58 PM

Is she self aware avoidant?

Because honestly, you can't really help her heal from that unless she knows and is doing the work to grow from it.

And all it's doing is torturing you in the interim and taking advantage of you. A lot of avoidants struggle to decision make. If she just keeps leaning one way and it breaks your spirit and is hurting you, you got to recognize that she's probably not healthy enough or mentally mature enough for the kind of relationship you're even trying to provide her and she may not be able to control how she feels towards him or you, because the trauma made it very hard to understand themselves as people. The response is as involuntary as fight or flight is when suffering a panic attack or anxiety. Except it can affect how they feel for periods of time with no real self understanding of what is necessarily going on.

It can have similaries to anxious attachment and they can feel as deeply as we can, but they never had validation as children that they were making the right decision unless it was something their parents decided or dismissed for them or neglected them in to force their hand out of survival. She could be caught in a whirlwind of emotional fight or flight and indecision that she does not possess the emotional toolkit or intelligence to manage and is really just not fair to you and not something she can really deal with when she won't focus on healing for herself. The concept of love is traumatic to them because they spent all their lives having everything diminishing, everything they cared about for the sake of conformity to survive. It's really not her fault and it's tragic that it is that way. But if you're serious about it, you have to either give her the space to find that will for growth for herself or you have to save yourself from the push and pull that will not be fixed until she can do some work on herself. Even if she dropped him and came running to you, it wouldn't look any different. Your validation as a partner and your love can be intense and scary to them, because vulnerability is pain and suffering and they knew nothing else as they developed into people. If you can manage to get her stable, more props to you and you've got a damn strong heart to do it, but if my current FA ex acted like that towards me, I wouldn't even attempt reconciliation because it would be definitive proof she can't handle a healthy relationship, which you deserve so you adjust to secure attachment.

But if you can recognize that her actions are irrational, made of fear, and involuntary, meaning that she could potentially never feel anything for you again and hasn't worked on herself to have the mental capacity to even explain to you why like an adult, then you're just pursuing a tortured child trying to survive as an adult in a scary world. The part about the reaction being involuntary is what really trips us anxious attachments like myself. We really think it's because we were bad or good. No. Some thought or feeling or vulnerability makes them defend themselves. And with all you've pushed, every action she takes could simply be an attempt to regain control in her own life, even if it's away from someone who would do anything to care for them. It's rough, but when childhood is that difficult, even the safest of arms and surest of promises can seem like eventual abandonment and they will protect themselves from it unless they grow. It's a hill many die on alone or never realize they could grow from in the first place. But feelings are often more powerful to people and especially avoidants than facts. And if they feel bad, even from something nice you did, maybe it made them feel guilty or a burden, they may not know how to turn that switch off. If I was in her position, even if I knew I was loved like crazy, the level of burden I would believe myself to be to others would astronomical. The guilt alone difficult to empathize with out of the sheer crushing weight of it. You or I might just think, okay well let's work on it together, we love each let's push forward. But that involuntary defense mechanism will make them avoid you, responsibility and potentially more. The shame of even being in that position could be too much for some. At the end of the day, you have to remember that you really have no idea what's going through her head, even if you know her better than anyone. That very thought is why I'm changing my entire life for my FA.

unreal rune Feb 27, 2025, 4:59 AM

knotty drift But if you can recognize that her actions are irrational, made of fear, and invo...

So I can't do anything but be patient and sees that she needs change? Even though she's depressed and suicidal that's hard for her to realize she needs change unless seen by a professional

knotty drift Feb 27, 2025, 5:08 AM

I mean, if you can manage to reach out to her and get her to sincerely understand these things and make the choice to change, you can. But you have to recognize that if those ideations are real and she does something because of them. It's really not your fault, even if you would consider it to be. But as I said, avoidants are so damaged that even if you sacrifice everything, there is a chance that she will feel as you are intruding in her life and robbing her of her own independence and agency. It's wildly illogical, but it's quite literally a childish defense mechanism that forms out of a lack of validation, safety and trust and acceptance. You providing those won't fix her. You getting her help won't fix. You could do all those things, potentially have a relationship together and yet all that may still not mean enough for her to stay. You can give it your all and power through it and be there for her no matter what and if she genuinely seems to want to work on it and shows real, consistent effort. You can make it easier for her, if she's willing to be vulnerable and trust you and accept you and her own feelings. But that is a lot to ask from someone who cannot function in a consistent manner for themselves, let alone for you. Do understand that your hope puts expectation on her, potentially guilt, potentially a great many things she may have zero idea how to function with emotionally.

Again, if she knows what's going on and can make a genuine change, sure. Stick around, show her you'll be there to grow with her if you genuinely love her that much. But if you're constantly playing 3rd wheel to your own relationship and she's teetering emotionally between you and someone else, you have to recognize that she has not had any time to heal. Has not taken time to heal. Has probably not had any therapy related to understanding what she's feeling, let alone how process your feelings on this. You are trying to grow to secure to show her she's safe and secure too. But from what you've described there is so much underlying damage that you will struggle to maintain secure attachment with her the moment she doesn't act the way she said she would and depending on what it is, the safety you sought to provide is suddenly a point of contention. You cannot even begin to hope for her act stable in a relationship with you and allow you to be that anchor if she cannot get a grip of herself and come to terms with what's going on inside of her. Understand that sticking around to be the hero for love, even if potentially works is one of the most heartbreaking and potentially traumatic you could sign up for, but again, you gotta accept too that along that journey, even if you are the hero that brought her stability, if she doesn't do the work to understand herself and her feelings, you could potentially wake up to the rudest surprise of your life after sacrificing everything you were and everything you possibly had left to make it work.

I will tell you my fearful avoidant has left me a total of once and aside from a bit of breadcrumbing and not severing ties completely, has not spoken to me for at least a couple weeks. I don't even know if she will. I also promised myself and her I would not do this in the beginning. But so long as she is aware of her actions, there is room for dialogue and growth and reconciliation. She's also going to find out that I don't take anyone back twice. I've never taken anyone back period, granted that was not an option. What you described above sounds like no commitment or stability exists in that space for anyone except yourself and you're sacrificing that for someone who is too damaged to mature to a state where she won't act that way. If my FA was acting the way yours is, I would find every interaction devoid of trust and desire to actually be a part of my life. I'd feel more used for my potential than anything.

If someone's ex keeps them from commitments to you as well. It's a clear sign they aren't healed and you should go as well. Cause otherwise you're just the nice guy who can keep her off the streets if option A doesn't pan out. Being a respite for her isn't wrong, but what you described above isn't a healthy, loving relationship and I genuinely believe it would probably take years apart with therapy for her to actually be healthy enough to commit to something real.

You have to weigh how much you're willing to be destroyed by her not choosing you if you continue to go all out for her. The fact you got burned 2-3 times isn't a sign for you to double down and work for her acceptance. She should be earning yours by showing consistency, long-term, without constantly making mistakes and relapsing. But again, this would probably take someone with that behavior years of therapy. And if she's not aware she is avoidant but you try to suggest it, I hope you have stitches for your heart because you will need them. An avoidants fierce independence means that, especially in cases where there is a lack of respect or commitment, they really don't want to be told what's wrong with them and how to fix it, unless they understand they need to grow from their own perception and at their own pace. Leaving once might be a sign of differences or confusion. That's why I'm giving my FA the benefit of the doubt. 2-3 times or more is just not being committed to healing, the person, the relationship or the concept of what the love is supposed to be in the first place. If she's avoidant and had bad parents, then think about it this way. She didn't really get to recognize what health love is growing up. She tried to be vulnerable with someone and it made her even more unsure about it all. You could stay with her the next twenty years and if she's not cognizant of her trauma, getting therapy for it, developing coping mechanisms, understanding what her feelings actually are and developing any form of self love, you will be trying to a court a damaged child masquerading as an adult that is desperate to be loved, desperate to protect themselves from being so vulnerable again as to feel that soul crushing, involuntary pain and if they can't, they will hop around relationships or people to get a hit of dopamine so they can momentarily feel better. It's not even about her character as a person or who she is deep inside.

It's about whoever raised her hurt the living hell out of her and potentially the first person she dated that may have further damaged her view of love. No one person and amount of love is gonna fix that without the learning to love themselves even slightly. I was my FA's first love. I made mistakes but it was mostly very loving and accepting and good. Her confusion is not surprising to me because of the circumstances, and I know she's confused about my love, but I still have room to show consistency I didn't during my relationship and my life was the hardest it's ever been when she bounced. She's also much younger than I am and inexperienced, So she gets a pass to grow and change from me because she deserves it and I think it's the only way her and I could have a healthy, functional relationship. She gets that chance because for 3 years despite being avoidant, she stayed without the typical push pull. So this is her only chance really to reconsider and I am saying this as the dumpee and her the dumper. I respect myself way more than to be a yoyo for her or a toy on the shelf she can hold close when she gets bored. I will never be that again. What you describe tho, you shouldn't be potentially supporting her and her ex bf, even emotionally by supporting her, just so they can support each other emotionally and leave you in the dust again and again. That's the big difference why I am fighting for my relationship and not moving on. There were things established that despite her attachment, she overcame even if she did not conquer it successfully. But you describe a situation where you are just being used as far as I can tell and it doesn't sound like she has done any of the work at all to even be healthy enough for herself to be a healthy relationship for you.

In the worst scenario, imagine you go all in and she ends up following through with her ideations, even after lots of work. Perhaps she decides to pin the blame on you for getting too close and scaring her. From the bottom of my heart from one anxious attachment seeking security to another, if she is not introspective of why she is the way that she is and she's a pity party of excuses and lack of commitment, if you go down this road, you are setting yourself to potentially have to deal with her threats, which to be fair, could be real. But a lot of people use them for attention or to gain pity to misdirect anger. I certainly know my father did. But if she did it and even if she didn't let's say you do it. You get 5 years down the road, she's seeming good. But oops, you said or did something that reminds her of her childhood trauma and this cycle repeats because she never got away from her ex and she never got even the slightest bit of space to attempt to heal for her own self, so that she can learn to love herself, so that she can then avoid this from happening. You can be the support come hell or high water, but you can't be a fix, the fix, the answer, the solution, the reason, any of it. She's the only one that can be her reason to find herself enough to stop this pattern. Sure, it can be done in a relationship, if that person knows themselves enough to do so and grow. But you're describing an extremely immature situation, especially on her and her ex's part. And if you take this on, realize all that mental pain could come right back onto you, crushing you and leaving you in a similar or worse mental state as her. The self doubt that would come with her letting her ideations become reality, as though things were so bad even with you that she couldn't continue on, or if those ideations aren't all that serious and the attention is more what she craves than fixing her own problems, you're just gonna be lost really hard when she can't explain why.

And she can't explain why because she has no idea. Because she never developed the emotional intelligence or the tools to cope with experiencing or accepting or even giving love in a healthy manner. She didn't get to understand even what the physical emotional feelings that you can easily recognize in yourself at all. If you were to ask her what certain feelings feel like or what those physical representations of feelings actual mean in her heart and mind. I guarantee you the answer is very little more than absolute, genuinely involuntary confusion, a vague concept of what they may or may not be feeling if they are lucky and extreme overwhelm, not unlike you might feel if she were to betray you or leave again or whatever. Except for us, it happens when we don't feel the same love we put and that is involuntary, even if might be progressive over a longer period of time. But feelings and emotions are so scary and unknown and misunderstood in an avoidant's brain while also lacking any actual source of unconditional love in childhood, that you can make them feel vulnerable and loved and that is enough for some to make them never talk to you again. It all depends on the person, so if she's worth potentially crushing every part of what makes you caring and unique and deserving of love in order to prove to one person they are worthy of it. More power to you. I'm certainly approaching my situation with the desire to prove that, but the only way I'll ever know is if she comes to me, we discuss things deeply at length and has forgiven me in a meaningful enough way that we can reconcile with resentment and create a better relationship. I want to give you hope and say it could out, be successful, cause I know this hurts like hell. But with the emotional attachmen to her ex and you sticking around, you're reinforcing things you don't want and she's really not gonna understand what she's doing to you until she has time to be own person, alone, away from you or him.

She needs to heal. She needs to mature. Yeah, you may not want her on the streets. But if she's young enough she can manage somehow or if you can't stand the idea of that, give her money wish her good luck and give yourself the same space to heal, cause I promise with what you described, you're not really looking at this rationally with how much you are very obviously being taken advantage of and how easily your emotions are being played with. If this person you describe was like my abusive ex from many years ago, who had her claws in me for 8 years because I was naive, love conquers all, ride or die, always fight, never give up strive to grow and improve which I will say for the right person, this still applies, but in her case, she would eat you alive, your good will, drain you of everything you own, your identity and gaslight you into believing you could have done better, cheat on you with a straight face and feel nothing.

At least in your case, if she's an actual avoidant, you have the benefit of knowing that she's probably not really trying to hurt you, likely feels guilty, feels like a burden and recognizes her low self-esteem as one of the most real feelings she can understand, along with perhaps loneliness, loss. I'm not saying she doesn't know the emotion. But she may not be able to recognize it. Like, you feel anxiety, it's in your gut or your back or your chest. And then you're happy and you feel it in your gut and your back or your chest and oh wait, even though this feels different and good, everytime I felt this my parents basically told to me to kick rocks. Suddenly, you can't tell if you're happy or anxious. Imagine this cycle when you are a child. Even an infant. When a baby leaves the womb or is given a shot, it cries because that's the worst it's ever known in it's entire life. The same will happen in the most innocent way to a child who's never had things explained to them or feelings validated or felt protected and that subconscious we all have. It acts more like the infant coming out of the womb example, except it does it more and more and more for every repeated threat and violation the avoidant is put under. They act that way because they get overwhelmed. Because they feel things and it doesn't make sense. Or feelings disappear suddenly and they have no idea how to get them back. It's really not you. It's the tragedy of their parents inadequacy and negligence and abuse. It's like living your entire childhood in a dangerous panic mode. The moment someone says it's okay and you've never witnessed it can be any other way, it will take so much more than reassurance and stability to fix the insanely deep and involuntary rift this can send into the heart of an avoidant.

So my advice would be to love her from afar and wish her well, otherwise your mental state is likely to end up matching her's and then there's nothing stable about your life. At least if she has time to heal and you have time to heal as well, you can actually be genuinely serious and put in the work to achieve secure attachment, even if temporary. Because oh boy just wait until the next avoidant comes along.

If she puts in the work, she could be worth trying a relationship again with years down the road. But right now, she doesn't even sound like she has much respect for anyone let alone herself. In comparison, the only reason I've even humoring the idea of allowing my avoidant ex dumper back into my life right now is because she's a psychologist in training and has been trying to understand how bad and screwed up she felt all her life. I knew exactly what I was working with going into it and she knew she had the room to grow during the relationship. But she put in the work. And maybe she wasn't healthy or mature enough, but she's at least managed a framework around which she can work on healing the rest of her life, with or without me. If your avoidant cannot find that, you are dooming yourself to misery and heartache and a lot of trauma you'll need to take plenty of extra time to heal from on top of all this. And ultimately, it's not something you can save her from or even expect her to listen to you about. She has to want to survive for herself and become better and introspect about herself. Some people can't do that and they are 80 years old. And even then, the part to stress is that unless she can learn to understand these feelings, she could literally lose all feelings for, involuntary at the drop of a hat. The way you let one rip in the bathroom suddenly reminded her subconscious(and this is the focus because they do have agency over their feelings even if it's involuntary) that hearing sounds like that means you're in a vulnerable position and your relationship falls apart. The example may be slightly hyperbole. But an aware avoidant can reason that what feels like lost feelings for a person, is actually very likely something else and that if they continue to work through and stick around that that feeling, probably won't be permanent. That feeling might even just something as simple as disappointment they don't know how to word.

It gives them active opportunities to put in the work, but your avoidant isn't even close to that from the sounds of it. It can be overcome. But you are wasting many years of potential happiness to be the one who never left her and even then, how many times did she leave? Once, you can work with a little bit of anxiety and uncertainty. Everyone has moments, but if you believe in each other you can grow and make something better. But 2-3 times and no real change? No growth? Not even a plan to build a better relationship from anyone other than yourself? You're the only one in that situation who can emotionally commit to that idea and even then, it will drain the light from your heart hat could go to someone who just... won't do that to you. And I will be quite honest and say that my avoidant was damn right to leave me, because I needed to learn some things about being better for her in general and about loving myself. It's been the most single empowering, pivotal moment of my entire life. Because they really are as loving and caring as anxious attachment in theory. But they are worried you'll abandon them, so they do it first. Where as we'll literally drive down pedestrians if it means arriving a second too late to be there or protect our partner would result from that. They can feel that strongly and love just as well as that, if not even more healthily. But you and her need time, self respect, and to fill the void in your heart with what makes you you, because the void left by this pain, left by the turmoil. It occured because you allowed that person to take up more space in your heart than you did for yourself. That void only comes in the shape of yourself. So fill it with whatever you want. Trying to fix her, save her, develop it into something meaningful and special. But if you actually want to move from anxious to attachment, you actually have to accept and like/love who you are first. And a mean or unhealed avoidant can basically destroy that work with ease.

Especially when you are left with constant ambiguity as to whether or not you were ever loved, ever good enough or if there's anything you could have done. Unless they were aware when you met them, it's not gonna bring you any peace. And even if you tell her, she may not do anything about it anyway if that's her style. Even still, you're competing with whatever idea she has of her ex that is keeping her going back. Do you really want to be any less than #1 in her life with all the effort you're putting in? Because I'd drop any woman to the curb who thinks I'll be anything less than #1 definitively forever if I'm going to hell and back for them. So, please. Love yourself, respect yourself, have some dignity, wish her good luck, indulge whatever sentimentality or kindnesses you need to make your departure right in your soul but walk away, let her and her ex fend for themselves and respect yourself enough to find someone who will not do this to you. Let this pain activate you, don't forget it, but use it to keep yourself from allowing people that are too scared of loving you forever, that will gaslight you into believing that what you had is still special when they cut the cord out of anything but confusion or it being your own fault. You need to figure out why such a person who genuinely cares and would go so damn far for someone would respect themselves so little as to let this happen to you again and again and break your heart. Youre worth a hell of a lot more than that pain Kwee and I hope what I've said helps. I didn't mean to go on for hours but this topic is something that is near and dear to me and I don't want you to suffer when the reality is that she's not a place you can really do this successfully and not end up with your own new layer of mental disorder or manifestion of all that stress and trauma. Save yourself, keep that part of her as part of you, let her live there, but rule your own life and know she'll be there, in some way. In you.

Gone, but not forgotten. Shame though it may be. May the good of their love and beauty of their person live inside me, however temporary, and build eternal roots from the experience and good, so that you may share a potentially even more beautiful and deep experience with someone that matches your energy and love.

That's last bit is how I try to carry every love I had, good or bad with me, eternally as a part of who I am, because you cannot separate all of that person from you ever again. She will live in you, you in her. You did what you could, you cherished what you could. Keep that treasure. Dispose of it. Whatever it takes for you to find peace. But the situation you mentioned above with all that, you're giving so much love and care to a woman that isn't responsive or committing to you genuinely, when there is a woman out there that's probably better, more fun, potentially more exciting, deeper, smarter, interesting. Whatever the case may be. You can still share that piece of this woman with her too when you share things. Or you can let that little bit of your heart still be her's to live in. But if you find someone else you think is deserving, trust even that little space you kept aside for her, with the right person could become so miniscule, you might even wonder why you kept letting the torture continue over and over again in the first place. Keep your head up. Might not be the path you want, but when things are that volatile, you gotta opt for what you need for yourself. And as an anxious attachment who only just finally realized how and why I love myself after 37 years. Keep looking at whatever makes you excited. Times are changing. Passions and dreams are easier to achieve than ever before, and the world is scary as hell depending where you're living. You don't wanna be in an already scary time in life while you also gotta worry about a relationship where that person can't just be independent and not seek validation behind your back every time to need to take care of business.

I hope I helped you at all. I know it's not really the kind of advice anyone wants to hear about their situation, but I'd rather give it to you straight and not pretend like your situation has a happy ending that anyone but the woman in question could potentially solve and answer, if she had the will or resolve. You weren't the one that hurt her as a kid and you may have done your best to show her a loving stable adult. If she can't get it, even halfway on her own, she'll pull her hand away every time you put it out to help her. It's a hill she'll either die lonely on wondering this or that. Or she'll figure out she's the issue, give herself time to heal and if she's really that special then whatever will be will be. Que sera, sera. If she does listen to you at, I suppose you could attempt to let her know she's probably fearful avoidant or avoidant in general. But you could get hate for that or she could just listen and do nothing with that information. Just be proud you loved her how you did, even if it wasn't good for you. It'll be good for someone who actually wants it from you. And they'll give it back because it should be really easy to love someone you care about. Not a chore. I'll be around a bit longer if you have anything you want me to elaborate on or say, but there's very little more for me to address without getting extremely cyclical and attempting to analyze literally every avoidant pattern in existence to likely not give you any extra peace. So yeah. I hope that helped. Stay strong. Love yourself and please give yourself a lot of kindness. You didn't love wrong. You just loved a person who isn't in the right place in their life to receive it in the way you want to give it and they may never be. It takes extremes to love an FA. But you can't let their trauma and tragedy dictate the outcome of your life. Perhaps this will even be what causes her to take responsibility and change her life. All you can do is hope for the best and detach yourself.