Relationship advice

[abstract heath]

Hello, i found this girl around 5 months ago, at first things were meh, i didnt have time to speak with her, she understood and it went like that for a week or 2, after a while we started hanging out, talking and enjoying each others presance.
from a ''gn'' to good night and a heart to even saying i will miss you, things went super fast and it was enjoyable but then issue struck
she started telling me about her ex, that he used to do stuff to her like pin her on a wall, that he saw her shirtless and he did stuff to her breasts and i told her, you either stop it or we will cut contact, we had a ''fight'' about it more like a heated argument and from there i started having some issues
i told her that i cant stop seeing her ex, which i forgot to mention was like 4 years ago, since she hasnt had anything but online talks with other guys
i told her that i cant stop imagining them doing stuff and its rotting me
today, we had another argument, she told me again, by mistake that it felt good, which meant she is still thinking about it yet she is telling me that im THE FIRST oone to treat her properly, she dropped guys for me, she dropped friends for me etc, i did the same and i dont mind it
her parents are actually really pleasent with me, they like me A LOT and everyone says she never loved someone like this but me however there is the thought that something happened
i had a fight with her, with an actual crash out and i feel bad but as i write this we are fixing stuff, i told her that she either just simply forces her self to stop being so obsessed with her ex and treats me properly or we are breaking up
she feels bad and i get her, it was a slip up but its too much

whats a way she could forget and whats a way i could get over it ? i feel helpless, worthless and like im not loved and its been making me super angry but im trying to contrl it
please take it serious this is a cry for help

its an actual cry of help, so please, any help would be appreciated, i surfaced the internet and everyone tells the same, its not worth it but i know she is trying, i know she is sorry and i know she actually REGRETS stuff that happened in the past, she figured out it wasnt love as it was young attraction and that they were together 24.7

[boreal dune]

okay i think you should’ve took a calmer approach at first instead of threatening to break it off immediately. just a calm talk stating you didn’t want her to keep reminiscing about him and that you don’t mean it in a versatile way. i don’t know why she said that it felt good because i feel like that it’s easily concluded that, that’s not a good thing to say around your partner. and idk why you guys had to drop people to be with each other, but okay. you imagining the ex and things like that is your own thing. yes she can do some things that can decrease the likelihood of that happening but the rest is on you because it’s your thoughts. it’s either she gets over him slowly or something is still attaching them and she should figure out what it is. whether it’s the physical intimacy they had or something else, she should think about it and get back to you. she needs to be completely honest with you and when she is, try not to give her a negative reaction. give her affirmations about how you’re proud of her for being honest even if it was hard. it’s both a hard time for you guys and it’s okay. but if she’s in the process of getting over him, you have to either be willing to stay with her during that process but if it hurts too much to where it’s declining in your own health, you should leave. and if you want her back, wait until she’s over him and then you can try again but communication is key.

[abstract heath]

Hey, I’ll take it in a few parts
I have taken calmer approaches before, we talked and fixed until another slip up which was my crash out point. I’ve asked her basic questions like “what’s my fav color” and stuff like that, nothing big or nothing that too much and she didn’t know however she used to give me like full detailed stories about her ex and stuff he did to her and what they did together
To me that’s not fair at all, you forgot my birthday once, you don’t know basic stuff about me but you know about your ex, that was my crashout point and I feel bad
2nd, the “dropping” people was because at first, she was following an excesive ammount of guys, to be exact 60 of them and all of them in DMs, I wasn’t comfortable with it but I played along until one day she ignored me to respond to some random guy and I’ve told her “I, as a guy know less guys online and in real life than you do, do you think that’s fair and that’s normal?”
She said “no it isn’t and I’m sorry” and so the “dropping” started without me asking just telling her it’s not really nice
She used to get super jealous when I was with someone of opposite gender, I used to play games with other people and there would be females and she was “I’m emotionally hurt” and jealous and so the “drop” started
Besides that she is a big kpop fan, I’m not saying do not be a fan of a band or whatever they are but don’t do it too much to the point where you put naked Chinese guys on stories and you show me
I know these are huge red flags and I get it but she started changing and realised it’s wrong
Now, we talked last night and I told her that this is the last chance she has to start getting over her ex and finally be only with me and it’s going well
She apologised and I asked her, how do you think I feel when you know so little about me, you only talked about your ex and stuff
She waited a few minutes and bursted into tears saying sorry and that she was a bad human
I reassured her that it’s okay and it will be fine

She now is on a “mission” of winning me back and putting actual effort on us instead of me doing everything and it’s working in a way
Today I woke up with her apologising and telling me that I’m her safe place and her home and she is actually sorry and it helped me
I will take her word even if to some people it will seem as love bombing

Now, for some people the “dropping people” might see too much and I get your point but, at least, to me whenever you are with someone you don’t need another guys/girl attention (to make it clear and no misunderstanding, if you are a girl you don’t need another guys attention, if you are a guy you don’t need another’s girl attention)
That doesn’t mean don’t have friends or don’t talk but don’t over do it because it can raise jealousy

And I apologise for the so long message but this is the last one, I promise
Before we had talks, she was seeing them as arguments and it’s okay
We had them on other subjects and we promised that we talk them calmly and we did, we found the problem 1 by 1 and we fixed them 1 by 1 but last night it was an actual fight
I was actually mad at her and at everything and I feel bad
Now I’m trying to outwork what I did last night and “win her back” although she didn’t lose any feelings or anything
Now, hopefully we will fix the whole problem forever and we can keep going
It’s been well and I like it, it’s the first date stage or talk stage or whatever people may call it that can be fixed
She is mature enough to talk things out and I love it

[upbeat brook]

i would say to continue to observe and not completely give in, considering the fact she did say a few questionable stuff.. even if she's sorry, it feels a bit manipulative that only now she wants to fix things

i understand why you're giving her a chance but sometimes, it might not be what it seems and it's best to give it a bit of timeframe to see if she truly is trying, a "day or few days" imo isn't enough to dedict anything

[abstract heath]

I don’t think I’ve mentioned that she’s been trying to fix those issues since the first month
The first month she told me about her ex and stuff then stopped
Now what happened last night was a slip up that has happened twice at most
If this helps in any case
Ofc I will keep my eyes open just in case

“Issues” as in she knows they are mistakes and she is trying to make us forget

[upbeat brook]

it makes sense that she might still be struggling with her ex.
some people need more time to move on.
maybe it’d be good to focus on helping her work through that first before diving fully into the relationship.

[abstract heath]

I’ve been thinking about that as well and I think it’s that and the fact that she is saying “what we have us is superior and what I had 4 years ago”
This also applies to her brother and her parents, she told them that she is talking with a guy, gave them details and they like me more than her ex and everything

[upbeat brook]

from what i know, you guys are still together right? best to take ur time on things and slowly help her before advancing on

[abstract heath]

Yeah, we still are as I don’t really see it as a break up point, I know I said last night but it’s something that can be fixed

I, my self had slip ups at first when we were still just friends about my ex but I apologised

[upbeat brook]

but it does feel that both of you do need time to think individually on what you want from this rs & then coming back tgt as a couple to state those factors and maybe share the problems, insecurities, jealousy etc and how you both can stop it

[abstract heath]

I have said that to her and she kept on saying “let’s stay in touch at least and not let anyone get between us”

[upbeat brook]

well i still think that time alone to think is fairly important, maybe suggest 2-3 days to think it through, alone tinme doesnt mean no talk at all, just dont meet up/intimate talks

[abstract heath]

Oh I see, yeah that could work and I believe it happened
Her only response is “I know I did mistakes and I will fix them and fix what we have, I promise and I’m sorry” but I’ll suggest it again

[upbeat brook]

and then when both of you come back, at least there's a fresh aproach and both ways can share thoughts and problems

[upbeat brook]

i don’t doubt she’s sorry, but there might still be things she needs to figure out.
in relationships, there’s often more to work through than we realize. maybe you two could set some boundaries or promises to help things feel clearer.

[abstract heath]

we have set those boundaries and promises, she crossed one and she cant keep on saying that she is sorry, even right now and i do feel bad
it feels a bit manipulative but personally, knowing her pretty well, she wouldnt manipulate
ofc i could be totally wrong but i highly doubt it

[upbeat brook]

if you don’t think she’s being manipulative, that’s valid, but it’s also okay to hold her accountable to ensure both of you are happy with each other

[abstract heath]

from what she has told me, from how she's been acting recently i can tell she REGRETS it but like regrets it, not only what she did but also her past and i get that
what i really want from this is a bit unrealistic and i know it but personally i wish we could just erase those memories, including mine and her, fill them with so many good memories with any acts to the point where we will just forget everything

now, im not sure if it can be done but im willing to try

from her way of talking, acts, love she's been giving me, she is actually regretting it

i can see that in her eyes and her voice

[upbeat brook]

it'ss good you want to move forward and focus on good memories.
since she’s truly sorry and showing it, that’s a start.
now you both can try to build happy moments together, it won’t erase the past, but it can help you both heal.
take it slow and make sure you’re both working together 😄

[abstract heath]

I really hope we will be able to make it “forget” the past simply by being together and having better memories than we both had with other people

I trully appreciate the help from you and Sami, it actually helped:)

Also, I forgot to mention a thing
Since she knows she made some trust issues to us and I feel “unloved” she is 24/7 with me
If she has to go somewhere she reassured me and showed me

I like it in a way but I feel bad

[upbeat brook]

no problem ! let us know if you have anything else

hope everything goes well ❤️

[upbeat brook]

dont feel bad, shes trying to prove it to u! appreciate it & show it back haha

[boreal dune]

the dropping followers thing seems like a double standard so i think that’s something you guys should also work on and if she doesn’t know she’s being manipulative, call her out and state it’s only to help her and get her out of that bad habit

[abstract heath]

So, if anyone is still reading it she managed to ruin my birthday, at this point I don’t know if it’s a break up moment or not
Today we were supposed to spend time only me and her because of my birthday, we had a whole plan but she ruined it
How you may ask ? Well she chose some groceries over me instead of talking out to leave them for tomorrow and now I have to celebrate it alone
It was the first I’m actually excited and I was happy for once to celebrate it but yeahs it’s chalked now

Somehow shopping is more important but it’s okay, I threw everything that I got out and just sit at my pc
Idk if I should break up at this point or not, she chose it

And I keep bringing up break ups because it’s too much at this point

[upbeat brook]

wtf?

she choose groceries over ur bday?

i think it’s obvious where u stand in her life and maybe u need to leave her

[abstract heath]

Yeah but it’s alright let her be

[upbeat brook]

i don’t think she’s good for u

she prioritised other things than ur bday

when it isn’t very important to do groceries on ur bday

[abstract heath]

Im not even mad nor disappointed at this point
Just feel like I only exist, its weird but it’s okay