#I Can't Tolerate Living Anymore

23 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

candid aurora
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I think I’ve been feeling down for such a long time I don’t know what up is anymore. It feels like I’m slowly drowning myself in these feelings of thoughtlessness and disgrace. I know I’m not special I know I’m imperfect. I’m an imperfect being with perfect thoughts who does nothing with them. Alone I stand, a deity of my own futureness and selflessness yet I do not know what I wish to be. May I change may I not, may I be the same way I will never be anything but nothingness. A singularity infinitely dense with so much heat it implodes upon itself.

You know I feel like I’ve been getting worse recently. I don’t like the things I used to like.I got bored when I’m talking to my friends. I feel like I’m losing something inside of me but I don’t know what it is. And the harder I look for it the farther it seems to go.I don’t want to keep having this feeling of needing; I guess acceptance or getting validation from other people. I just want to be me, you know. At least once. I want to feel like I’m doing the right thing.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and all I feel is disgust. I hate myself so much you could never imagine. The last time I tried to take a picture of myself I threw up. I don’t think I find anything fascinating about myself. I look in the mirror and all I see is disgust. It’s not okay, it’s never been okay. You know the other day I broke a mirror. I don’t think I’ve been content with myself or slightly enjoyed with who I am. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder who I’m looking at. I see someone so distorted and confused but I understand that that confused person will always be me.

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The post was too long to include another paragraph so I had to post it in the comments.

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You know there was a time in my life where I would get angry for no reason at all. But honestly after losing my friend and having thoughts of self harm I don’t really have it in me anymore. No matter how hard I try being a good guy or I guess just being a better person I always fail at it. I guess it makes sense though. The only person who cared about me was my best friend but now he’s gone. Everything is gone. My future, my friends. My own brother will eventually die because of his cancer and will leave me and of course my friend had to leave me too.

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I Can't Tolerate Living Anymore

limpid silo
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Hi, I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way. I might not be able to understand the whole thing, but from what I just read, I think you're feeling troubled to choose between people's expectations with what you actually wanted. I felt that a lot. At first, I really want to move far far away and cut ties from everyone that I know, living a life as what I truly am and what I wanted to be. But, I can't do that cause if I just left, people will say that I'm unreasonable and immature.

They have quite the demands that I need to fulfill for every different reason. That's why I decided to bury down the dreams, hoping one day that it will come true. But, as the days passed by, I found myself feeling lost between what I actually wanted and what people wanted me to do. I feel so unhappy and pathetic when I can't fulfill their expectations even though it wouldn't do me any good even if I did. Every time I look at myself, I feel useless cause I can't do what the rest of my friends are capable of doing.

After a while, I realized that this is wrong and I know I will die in regret if I don't do something about it. That's why I started to speak up about what I wanted, considering people's opinion while not putting it my priority anymore. I wanted to be happy, and I'll do anything necessary to obtain it. It doesn't always go well, cause people don't like it when I say "no". But, I said what I said. I hope one day you can find your way again.

candid aurora
# limpid silo Hi, I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way. I might not be able to unders...

Thank you for opening up and sharing this with me. I can really feel how much you’ve been struggling with balancing what others expect of you and what you truly want for yourself. It’s such a difficult place to be in, and I admire your courage for starting to speak up and prioritize your own happiness.

I think it’s important to live a life that feels authentic to you, even if it means saying 'no' to others sometimes. It’s not easy, and not everyone will understand, but your happiness matters. I hope you keep taking those steps toward what truly fulfills you. But I can't say the same for me. Nothing I ever do works out for me in the end. I am always dealt a bad hand in things and I always feel alone in the end of things. I feel like a piece of trash on the side of the road just sitting there, sitting there alone in the dark where nobody pays attention to it. Nobody wants to spend their time caring about filthy garbage so I'm just stuck there sad and alone. And I have to live with that fact. I often cry myself to sleep thinking about how there would be better days for me or digging deep into my mind to find a time where I was truly happy but that always ends up hurting and injuring me even more because of my past trauma and experiences that clouds or fogs up my brain in the end.

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For every person there are things that make them feel safe and things that evoke fear in them. The difference is, when they enter a place of safety they can’t explain why it is they feel safe. They can only offer a vague reason like, “it just does”. However, when they enter a place of fear, even the dullest simpleton can provide a clear reason for the fear that it invokes in them. They can give you an entire list of fears because while feelings of safety are tied to life, feelings of fear are tied to death. Even those who can’t give you reasons to live can readily provide reasons for not wanting to die. And it’s not just those creatures that possess feelings all living things instinctively avoid death. And what is another word for that, “fear”. Everything that possesses life lives to avoid fear and trains itself and strengthens itself to avoid fear and grows up learning all of the ways to avoid fear. As long as you’re alive fear will always have an effect. There is no escaping it. Closing your eyes will not help you. Bad memories you hold in your heart may last for a time but bad memories last even longer. Just as past traumas return as a nightmare in the dark of night, a fear, what’s experienced will resonate that much stronger than the depths of your brain when you close your eyes.

limpid silo
candid aurora
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It’s been so tiring pretending to be this person that I know I’m not. I’ll never be him. I can’t change and I won’t. And no matter how hard I try fixing myself, fixing each imperfection that I see, deep down I know that I will never change who I truly am. And what I am is simply a copy of someone better. And I guess that’s my legacy. That is my world.

limpid silo
true tusk
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Hey fam

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Listen closely

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U don't need some grand meaning of life to live

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Small reasons uk

candid aurora
limpid silo
candid aurora
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@limpid silo Yeah it really is. I took another listen to the song earlier today and it kinda brightened my mood a bit. But later things went back to being lonely and miserable because of work and other things.

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@true tusk No matter how hard I try fixing myself or being a better person I just can’t be. I would like to say it’s not my fault. I’d like to blame just everyone but me. But it’s just that I can't do it. I think I’ve said so many lies to a point where u don’t even believe a thing that I say. I really just wish I could be someone better. I want to be someone that’s worthy of affection and love but I know I’m not that person. I know I can’t be.

true tusk
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Change urself bro

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Be a better version

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No one is stopping u but urself