I feel tired of life

[viscid cloak]

(14 male) Recently and at some points in the past I have just felt tired of living, in the past I thought about suicide but I was scared of the pain and if it didn’t work. I have a caring family and friends, but I just feel like I can’t talk to anyone, if I were to tell my parents they would then probably take away my rifle which would make everything worse (I never have access to it’s ammo) and they might take away my guitar to prevent me from breaking it. I don’t feel like I can talk to my friends because I feel like they would see less of me. And I try playing video games but that just makes everything worse. I just feel trapped, I want to talk to someone. I don’t even really feel much emotion anymore and can’t even cry. It’s too much. On top of all this people will ask me why I don’t cut my hair or they tell me I look like a girl just because I have long hair, but I don’t cut it because I like it.

[eager sedge]

You are young, man. You have a lot to live for, and a life ahead of you. Trust me. You are loved. I know it doesn't feel like it. But you are. I know you are. I'm 23 years old, and still recovering from what happened to me. I still feel the same. Hopeless, like no one cares. But people do, it's just your brain telling you that. When I'm depressed I specifically keep myself away from any weapons, I urge you to do the same. All of us are here for you. I just met you, and I care for you already. I care for you man. Trust.

[viscid cloak]

I’m probably going to leave my schools rifle team cause I can’t shoot for shit with my dumbass eyesight

[viscid cloak]

It’s just too much, by the hour I wish to not exist more and more

[eager sedge]

Well you don't have to give up on what you enjoy just put it down for a bit, until you feel your mental state is stable

[viscid cloak]

I can’t take a break from it, it’s either I leave or go to every practice

[eager sedge]

I see. You think staying away from guns for a bit could help your mental state?

[viscid cloak]

Probably won’t do anything, I see no point, how would the guns effect me?

[eager sedge]

Well you mentioned you might quit it, so that's why I was asking you

[viscid cloak]

No I might quit because I’m bad at it and just don’t feel like doing anything anymore

At this point I find myself getting angry at the even the most minor inconvenience

[eager sedge]

Yea, that's depression for ya. It's gonna happen...

[viscid cloak]

I’m not so sure if I should talk about my other stuff

It’s… bad

[eager sedge]

Yea yikes be careful. If it's too sensitive id recommend a 1 on 1 with someone yk? Ask in venting. And I do apologize, I was checking my journal. I wrote a lengthy story lol. You don't want to trigger others so, maybe sensor it with bars || before and after the sentence and give a trigger warning.

[viscid cloak]

Oh

😐

[eager sedge]

Hey no need to be down about that man, it's just out of respect. But it's your journal! So do as you please actually

[viscid cloak]

Whatever I don’t really have what it takes to do all that

[eager sedge]

Hey man, I can sense the tension. It's okay. Sorry if I triggered you. Truly. I'm still learning how to be sensitive to other problems. But like i said, if you want to share it here go for it yk?

[viscid cloak]

You didn’t trigger me I’m just unhappy

[eager sedge]

It's okay. Me too.

I haven't been happy in months

[viscid cloak]

Sounds about right

[eager sedge]

The good news is man, you are so young. Imagine being like this while having to maintain adulthood. It's not easy. I got to pay bills, always consider my future. I know it's easier said than done. Trust me... My journey began when I was 17. I know how hard it is to just enjoy life. But you got so long ahead of you. Truly. Enjoy your younger years while you have them

[viscid cloak]

I understand that but it just feels like my life is not even going by I just feel stuck

[eager sedge]

That's how I feel right now, maybe it might not be going fast enough for you, but you don't want it to. Especially in your childhood. Maybe try to find another hobby? You like music? Consider an instrument? I picked up guitar not too long ago

[viscid cloak]

I play guitar but I mainly just play Johnny cash which just makes me feel worse

[eager sedge]

Ah Johnny cash, good one. Maybe try some Nirvana?

[viscid cloak]

I really only like lynyrd skynyrd, ac dc, Johnny cash, and Tennessee Ernie ford

[eager sedge]

Free bird? 👀 Haha

[viscid cloak]

Not that skilled

[eager sedge]

Ah I know that riff is hella hard, still an amazing song

[viscid cloak]

Yeah

[eager sedge]

What do you enjoy in life brotha, I should have asked. What brings you joy

[viscid cloak]

I feel like nothing anymore

Video games don’t, tv doesn’t , guitar don’t

[eager sedge]

Yea, I feel that. Definitely. If you had the choice, what would you reach for? If you could feel joy

[viscid cloak]

Idk but my relay ups again

I’ll continue in about 10-20 minus

[eager sedge]

Alright, np

[viscid cloak]

I’m back

[eager sedge]

WB homie

[viscid cloak]

Finally get to go home to do nothing

[viscid cloak]

Probably just going to play war thunder because it’s the only game that makes me feel something, usually just anger though. But whatever

@eager sedge have you ever thought about ||offing yourself?|| if you don’t mind me asking

[eager sedge]

Yes ofc. I'm tormented constantly. I never give in tho. I have 3 reasons.

[viscid cloak]

What are your reasons?

[eager sedge]

||Collin. Zane. And family.|| I physically can't. Or id be completing the deadly cycle I went thru. When i say those names. ||They are the names of 2 fine gentlemen who took their lives because of the narcissistic abuser|| that I had to face. Sorry, not tryna make it all about me. Just feels like it needs slight context.

[viscid cloak]

Yeah no problem

[eager sedge]

I promised those 2 guys, id live for them

[viscid cloak]

That’s… sad

But also nice

[eager sedge]

Imagine how I feel homie. She did all that damage and I'm still alive. I can't explain it, I feel angry in a way? I said to myself once or twice it should have been me. Idk, I just hate suffering ya feel? But yea. They can live through me. For sure.

It's like, going through hell with your 2 buddies. Only you make it out alive

[viscid cloak]

Yeah, my parents always told me not to wish death on people I care about because my dads aunt wished death upon her dad and then her dad ||was shot and killed in the line of duty||

[viscid cloak]

That’s tough I’m sorry

[eager sedge]

It's alright. I'll heal for them, live my life. I appreciate your sympathy bud. If you ever feel like reading the full story, it's in the list of journals. Yea I don't wish death upon other people either, just revenge. Wish for her to suffer as the 3 of us did.

I should add it's quite long

[eager sedge]

Oh I'm sorry g. I know you and some trouble with em too. But, thank him for his service

[viscid cloak]

I guess my reasons are that,|| i would be scared about if it would hurt or if i would survive, ||wouldn’t want to leave my parents hurt because they work all week for me and my siblings and have to drive 4 hours a day, and|| I wouldn’t really want to cost them all the money||

[eager sedge]

The first reason is a really good one. Completely practical. Second, we don't even have to think about that because it ain't gonna happen homie. If I can go thru what I went thru, and make it out alive, bruised but alive, you got this g. This will pass. Just like my trauma will pass. There's no timing healing though. could take a while. But, as long as you exist and are surviving, congrats you are doing better than everyone else. You know how rare you actually are despite sharing the planet with billions of people?

There's one planet in the whole universe that you occupy. And this planet like us has seen hell. Been reborn many times. And the conditions are picture perfect. We have an atmosphere. We are protected by it. And here you and I are, existing. On this lovely planet. Alive. At the very least.

[viscid cloak]

I don’t know man it’s just hard, I don’t want to deal with the thoughts, I’m starting to feel more and more like I should do it, you know?i ain’t going to but.

[eager sedge]

I'm glad to hear that. It's okay to live on the edge sometimes. I do it too. You are the most important part of your whole existence. Without you there would be no you. Sometimes the thoughts creep in. But, we have something wrong in our brains. Remember that. Its not just you, but you could have a condition yk? Look at me I got a whole slew of em. And I even forget that sometimes

[viscid cloak]

Yeha

, it doesn’t help that I can’t even trust one of my friends anymore, which has led to me starting to not trust any of my friends let alone anyone, I have started becoming aggravated and angry at my other friends for the smallest of things and I feel terrible.

[eager sedge]

I was the same way back then. Have you tried explaining yourself or talking to them about it?

Or is this feeling you have causing you to feel like you can't trust them

[viscid cloak]

Not really, I feel like they will just tell everyone if I tell them

[eager sedge]

Hmmm. Well, maybe they aren't your friends then yk? It's important that you can confide in them

[viscid cloak]

Yeah I guess, I don’t think they would but I have lost trust in almost everyone because of family stuff and stuff with friends

[eager sedge]

It definitely happens. I hardly talk to any of my family as well

[viscid cloak]

It’s specifically my brother, I have grown to hate him because In my younger childhood he would lie to me and steal and now he just doesn’t listen to me when I ask him to do anything and he still sometimes lies

[eager sedge]

Sounds like he's got his own problems too

[viscid cloak]

Yeah

Have you ever gotten so angry at the small things you ||harm yourself||?

[eager sedge]

Well, id say I did it once. ||It was because I needed to feel something|| never out of anger tho

[viscid cloak]

I can say the same thing but I would also do it whenever I was so angry I couldn’t find a way to calm down

[eager sedge]

Problem is I liked it. And. I promised I'd never do it again.

[viscid cloak]

I would specifically ||bite down very hard on the meaty part of my pointer finger until I stopped feeling angry||

[viscid cloak]

I can’t really say if I liked it because I don’t know

[viscid cloak]

Also that part of my finger just doesn’t really feel the same, it doesn’t hurt but it doesn’t feel normal

Well my phones about to die so I’ll talk in like 10 mins maybe less

[eager sedge]

Yea it's like an outlet I feel

[eager sedge]

Np bro

[viscid cloak]

I’m back

[viscid cloak]

What was it like liking it?

[eager sedge]

Well, when you are driven near insanity in my case. It felt good, because I was deprived of love and comfort. So, the pain was my way of feeling something. Man. Watch who you give access to your emotions my guy. I regret it. I can't recall if I ever showed her or not. I think I did.

Left one hell of a scar. Which I think is actually gone now

[viscid cloak]

Man that sucks

[viscid cloak]

Oof

[viscid cloak]

My right hand pointer finger the skin in the spot is noticeably rougher and discolored

[viscid cloak]

But nothing like a scar

[eager sedge]

Yea man, it's not a competition but I feel the darkness I am dealing with is worse. I don't wish it upon anyone. Especially you my guy. Everyone gets their heart broken once. It should have never been to that extent.

[viscid cloak]

Oh no it definitely is worse

Mine is nothing compared to yours

[eager sedge]

But like I said it's not a competition. You are still dealing with things yk?

[viscid cloak]

Yeah

Idk why but I have a tendency whenever I have a ||achy tooth or I bit my fingernail too short to mess with the spot that’s hurting until I can’t bear the pain anymore|| I don’t understand why I do it, I just have a urge and I guess ||the pain doesn’t bother me until it gets to be too much||

[eager sedge]

ADHD maybe? Might be the only thing you can focus on

[viscid cloak]

Maybe

I can’t really say || if I like the pain, but I guess I don’t really dislike it||

[eager sedge]

Could be that it makes you feel slightly alive. Who knows, you might have a slight affinity for pain like me. I can say that when rose smacked me angry, or joking, I liked it. Because, It was better than not being touched. Quite sad it is. And I still slightly like pain to this day, physical. God. Mental pain I can't stand. Never catch a break. A part of me might inflict it because it shows me that others are suffering too, and I sort of enjoy it. But I don't really though. Otherwise I'd become her. Take it from me homie. Feel free to use my experiences. Even if we don't share the same. What you are going thru is rough. But I went thru hell. And I pray that you don't have to go thru that. And that this is only a bump in the road for ya.

[viscid cloak]

Yeah I can’t really stand anything mental either but as I grew older and started to feel depressed pain stopped bothering me, I would even ||punch things that would hurt me just so I could feel|| something else when I was mad besides the anger

[eager sedge]

Weird thing but have you ever tried eating spicy stuff?

[viscid cloak]

Yeah?

[eager sedge]

That works for me fr

[viscid cloak]

There is also a correlation between when I started feeling unhappy and when I wanted to join the military and go off to war

[eager sedge]

Like if I want to feel some sort of pain, and put myself thru it. Spicy stuff

[viscid cloak]

Sadly not for me

[eager sedge]

I'm sure you will make a great soldier. It's never too late. You have time to get your mental in shape brotha

[viscid cloak]

Maybe but I’m just saying that I guess I just thought that if ||I died in war I wouldn’t care and if I were to survive then it would have been fate||

[eager sedge]

Nah fam you'd fight for your country and be revered for being a hero. Someone who served

[viscid cloak]

And I still kind of feel that way, I guess ||I just wouldn’t have the guts to do it to myself ||

[eager sedge]

And neither do I. And that's okay.

That's good you can admit that

[viscid cloak]

That I would kind of want to ||die but to scared to do it myself||?

[eager sedge]

Yes. I felt the same way for a while. But, life shed a little light on me and I almost died twice in one day. Then after that I never wanted to die again. At least, not by random ofc some thoughts pop in but. That's just the disorder talking

[viscid cloak]

I guess so

A random though I just had is that ||I had never harmed myself with a knife because I’m scared of sharp things, especially needles||

[viscid cloak]

I also don’t like ||blood||

[eager sedge]

Then that works in your favor

[viscid cloak]

I guess || but it also doesn’t because I’m not really scared of guns because I assume it would be painless||

[eager sedge]

We should be scared of ||dying|| in general. That's what makes us human, ya feel?

[viscid cloak]

I guess but I don’t really feel like that rn

One time ||I was rather close to my tipping point and was almost going to think of a plan||

[eager sedge]

Yea I did think of a plan. But, it was going to be peaceful. ||I was gonna get lost in a forest. I hoped no one will find me. Hopefully starve||

[viscid cloak]

I hate feeling hungry, plus that would take a while, so I wouldn’t want to do it that way ||I prob would have just used melatonin or smth to go in my sleep, but it’s too late now:/ ||

[eager sedge]

Any rest is better than no rest 💯

[viscid cloak]

Anything you want to talk about? I’ll listen

A morbid thought I have sometimes is ||is death like sleeping? If so then I wouldn’t mind too much||

[eager sedge]

Yea sleep is very peaceful tbh. You wouldn't even know. And tbh I feel like I've given the narcissist enough attention today. I just hate being left with the pieces I have to pick up. Then all the sudden, wham. I decide to become sober. My brain is like "we are going to process all of that, right now" so 1.5 years later in struggling with CPTSD and it's gonna be hard to find a relationship. Fr.

[viscid cloak]

Also on a side note I have had a cough for two months, so I will randomly have a coughing fit and not be able to breath for 1 or 2 seconds, it’s weird, but I don’t really dislike it

[viscid cloak]

man that sucks, I’m sorry

[eager sedge]

You just promise me something homie. and I'll promise you something. Now I'm living for Collin and Zane, but you got to live for you and promise me you won't do anything, you know what I mean? Realize you are still young. I'm actually jealous that your issues are all you have to deal with. This damn near sucks. Even if it's hard. Live. Exist. And I shall do the same. For me. For Zane. For Collin.

[viscid cloak]

I don’t really want to make a promise I might break in the future, I’ll try my best

[eager sedge]

I believe in ya. I'll take that.

Remember. The edge is okay. Not off the edge

[viscid cloak]

👍

Is it normal to always feel tired?

[eager sedge]

Depression!

[viscid cloak]

Mm makes sense

[eager sedge]

I was like that too, it was the first time I experienced it. Damn I was tired as hell

[viscid cloak]

I also can’t get may dang hands warm which sucks

[eager sedge]

I've had depression before but damn I was exhausted

[eager sedge]

It's cold as helll

[viscid cloak]

It’s like only a couple degrees on top of this god forsaken mountain in Pennsylvania

And my beds next to a wall heater

[eager sedge]

Yea you aren't too far from me. Jersey here

[viscid cloak]

Oh cool

[eager sedge]

My feet. Are cold as hell

[viscid cloak]

Damn opposites

[eager sedge]

True lol I didn't think of that

Id rather take cold hands 🤣

[viscid cloak]

Can I send you some pictures in your dms?

[viscid cloak]

True

[eager sedge]

Sure. In a few here I'm gonna watch a show and eat

[viscid cloak]

Nothing weird

[viscid cloak]

Nice

[viscid cloak]

I fell asleep a couple hours early last night and I don’t even remember falling asleep and I was woken up by my parents arriving home around 10pm, I fell back asleep about 10-15 minutes later and felt cold the entire time, I have noticed that I have started to sleep in the fetal position, I feel tired even with the extra sleep.

[eager sedge]

Me too brother me too

[viscid cloak]

I fell asleep in math class 3-4 times even with my extra sleep

I feel tired and it’s the middle of the day

Also was hungry but couldn’t eat because I i just didn’t feel like it

Also have had this nervous/anxious feeling in my stomach all day

[eager sedge]

Yea that sounds like depression homie

[viscid cloak]

How are you doing

[eager sedge]

Eh, woke up not thinking about the trauma but, yk, sure enough here we are lol. Feeling lonely fr. HBU bro

[viscid cloak]

I’m the same, still got that feeling in my stomach but can’t do nothing about it, at least I don’t have rifle practices today

[eager sedge]

I have it too honestly. It's like vigilance

[viscid cloak]

Started grinding my teeth which is not helping the three that already hurt, I guess I’m doing it because they hurt

[eager sedge]

Yea that's not good, don't wanna lose those lol. I know that when I'm on my meds I tend to clench them together or, move my jaw constantly

[viscid cloak]

I’m probably going to see if there is any sleeping medicine in the cabinet to just try to sleep when I get home

[eager sedge]

What time you get home?

[viscid cloak]

3

Not like I have anything else to do unless I just watch tv

[eager sedge]

Eh well try to let it come naturally. The last thing you want is a habit that can spiral into something, yk?

Try to eat something which should trigger a little comfort in ya, then try to take a nap

[viscid cloak]

I’ll try

My mind just hurts, not physically but mentally

[eager sedge]

Understandable homie. Maybe you should try to reach out to a doc, see if your parents will take you. Or, if you can hold out. At 16 years old you won't be denied to see one on your own. Depends on where you are from

[viscid cloak]

I just don’t trust anyone to not tell others, and I don’t trust a professional to not tell my parents

[eager sedge]

Well at that age they can't. I don't believe. And if you see a therapist they can't break the law. There's a confidentiality law in place for that homie. We have to take steps forward to get better. The tired part is gonna eat at you until you find a solution. Then it spirals into more anxiety because eventually all you want to do is sleep and when you wake up, you don't want to be awake.

[viscid cloak]

Someone else told me a therapist would tell my parents if they think I’m a danger to someone or myself

[eager sedge]

Well that's if you are a murderer lol. Are you?

No, you will just be honest about your thoughts

[viscid cloak]

Well I’m not a danger to others but they might see me as a danger to myself

[eager sedge]

Well from what you've told me brotha, sounds just like me. I'm technically a danger to myself as well. But that's where you come into play. You gotta be strong enough to not do anything yk? It's okay to have thoughts. But to act on them is a different story. You are stronger than that.

[viscid cloak]

Yeah but they would still tell my parents

I’m going to try to let it pass like it did a year ago

But seeing as it came back idk if it will

[eager sedge]

Maybe it will. You never know brotha. There's a difference between having those thoughts and expressing them vs actually being serious about it. I'm sure therapists can tell the difference

[viscid cloak]

I don’t want to worry my parents

[eager sedge]

That can't always stop you from getting the help you need, not fair to you

[viscid cloak]

Well I also don’t want anything else to come out of that

Not the only thing I don’t want

[eager sedge]

And parents are always gonna worry yk?

[viscid cloak]

Yeah but I guess I’m just scared to go

I feel like I shouldn’t be unhappy because I don’t have a bad life but I’m just sad

Still got the terrible thoughts too

[eager sedge]

Yea me too that's why I'm kinda keeping to myself ATM

[viscid cloak]

Oh alright

No problem

[viscid cloak]

Got the shakes from my hunger

[viscid cloak]

And a headache from something

@eager sedge hi if your able to talk, if not don’t feel like you have too.

[eager sedge]

Just trying to stay sane homie.

[viscid cloak]

Aren’t we all

I’m going to try to eat something

Haven’t eaten for 8 hours and it’s given me a headache and made me dizzy

[eager sedge]

Neither have I. So, in the same boat

[viscid cloak]

Doing anything right now? I just got home

[eager sedge]

Just laying here. I think I feel pretty down today.

[viscid cloak]

I’m probably going to try to sleep because I’m hungry and unhappy

Sorry about that though

[eager sedge]

Rest well

[viscid cloak]

I’ll try

It’s almost like I want to cry but I can’t

[eager sedge]

Same bro. Don't push it. Let yourself feel it.

[viscid cloak]

It’s so tiring, I just want it to be over

My days feel so long

Perfectly said by Johnny Cash “time stands still when your lonely”

[eager sedge]

I'll be in and out of discord but we got each other man. And you have a discord too

[viscid cloak]

Yeah

[viscid cloak]

Man I don’t even feel anything listening to my favorite music 🙁

[viscid cloak]

I just feel worse

[viscid cloak]

I’m feeling better after forcing myself to sing along

Also I ate something

[eager sedge]

Good bro. Me too

[viscid cloak]

I’m feeling better now

Sadly no ibuprofen in the cabinet for my headache

Only melatonin

[eager sedge]

Me too slightly

[viscid cloak]

Nice

[viscid cloak]

@eager sedge how’s your night?

[eager sedge]

Chillin I gotta go to work soon

[viscid cloak]

You got to work at night?

[eager sedge]

Yup

[viscid cloak]

Cool

[eager sedge]

I work overnights

[viscid cloak]

What do you do?

[eager sedge]

Security basically

[viscid cloak]

Oh cool

I’m took some melatonin and now I feel… weird

It’s kind of a good feeling

Less lonely feeling

[viscid cloak]

Do you know the smell of those melatonin pills?

It’s like a earthy burnt kind of smell

[eager sedge]

Yes

[viscid cloak]

I don’t have like thoughts in my head jts kind of jsut like. Have static in my head, I hate it

[viscid cloak]

Good night

I almost hope I don’t wake up

[eager sedge]

Gn brother. Give yourself a break

[viscid cloak]

Thank you, you have been very kind

I appreciate it

Would probably cry to sleep but I just can’t

Good night

I have to wait for the other melatonins to kick in

[viscid cloak]

I’m starting to dislike sleep because it’s so peaceful and then I suddenly have to go back to my life

[viscid cloak]

You awake?

[viscid cloak]

I woke up and just sat in bed for like 5 minutes again, I don’t know why I just do. The melatonin helped me sleep better and more peacefully, I still just can’t shake the feeling that something’s wrong though.

[eager sedge]

Ye, for a bit

[viscid cloak]

How are you doing?

[eager sedge]

Alright, tired. Wbu

[viscid cloak]

Also tired, still got that weird feeling in my stomach

At least the weekend is around the corner

Still not feeling very much emotion

Feel like I’m losing the relationships with my family

[eager sedge]

Just gotta last until the weekend

[viscid cloak]

Well that’s basically done already

Do you sleep during the day and are awake at night?

[eager sedge]

Yes

[viscid cloak]

Do you like music?

[eager sedge]

I sleep a lot. And I used to be embarrassed about it but, eh I don't really care now. Not really much to do anyway

Yes

[viscid cloak]

True I spent all day yesterday on discord

[viscid cloak]

What music do you like

[eager sedge]

Rock and roll lately. Nirvana and stuff. Some hip-hop and rap.

[viscid cloak]

Sick, I like Lynyrd Skynyrd, Johnny Cash, AC/DC, Creedence Clearwater Revival, and Tennessee Ernie Ford, along with guitar music from S.T.A.L.K.E.R and some old ww2 Russian songs

2/3 of my teachers are absent so I only have work at the end of the day

I randomly just got dizzy :\

[eager sedge]

Did you eat?

[viscid cloak]

Yeah I ate break fast

Lunch is in an like an hour and a half

Got anything on your mind? I’m bored

[eager sedge]

Nothing except taking a nap lol, and just relaxing after work. Which is a good thing. I'm giving myself the power to deny that woman access to my mind.

[viscid cloak]

Good, don’t let her

I actually ate something for lunch today

[viscid cloak]

I don’t want to go to rifle practice today

But I don’t want to get kicked off

[eager sedge]

Did ya go?

[viscid cloak]

Had to go, and this is just making everything worse, ||it makes me want to steal a single round and use it on myself,|| but whatever

[viscid cloak]

I’m also very tied

I ran out of my drink with caffeine

[viscid cloak]

Lol

Finally home

Just playing guitar

[eager sedge]

Word. Sounds good

[viscid cloak]

How are you

[eager sedge]

Good. I ate

[viscid cloak]

Nice

[viscid cloak]

@eager sedge how you doing?

[eager sedge]

Headed to work

[lofty wasp]

damn your lucky I wish my school had a rifle team

[viscid cloak]

i would think so too, but since i cant shoot very well I dont

[lofty wasp]

well it's not really about that man, I was implying a deeper message, your lucky my dude, you have things many others do not, and while life may suck at the moment trust me it's temporary, just find something to pour your heart into and distract yourself and you'll get thru it all