im still in love with him

[glad bridge]

What kind of bad decisions?

[dusky axle]

Just being reckless in general

Dating dudes that aren't my type, then dating dudes that ARE my type but they werent reciprocating the level of attraction i felt to em-

I've been just feeling so.. messed up. My motto for two years has been "YOLO" "Who cares?" "I dont see the harm"

[glad bridge]

Do you see the harm now? :')

[dusky axle]

im feeling the harm actually, my coping mechanism is pretending im okay by laughing it off-

i honestly just.. want to get back with him

i felt like myself but better with him, like he made me into a better person than i was-

yk whats the funny part?

he has a fiancé, hAhAhAH—

sobs in the hecking background

ive been pretending to be this happy go lucky character for two years now, but the reality is that i dont think i've been genuinely happy since we were together

Oh, and uh- Nice to meet you by the way, Aech, sorry we had to meet like this- lmFao

[glad bridge]

So is it really that you "can't" move on, or that you don't want to move on?

[glad bridge]

Lol nice to meet you too, no worries

[dusky axle]

Its a blend of dont and cant, LIKE when we broke up, i convinced myself that i DID move on

And until tonight, I was pretending that I've been great since he's been gone. Turns out the person I pretend to be is doing great, but me on the inside isnt-

[glad bridge]

Then why don't you want to?

[dusky axle]

Because i want him back, but the other half of my brain is happy because he's moved on-

I KNOW ITS CONFUSING

Which is why i felt like it was time to go join a server who could help me process my grief(?)

(i have no idea if this is grief or something else)

[glad bridge]

Was he your first?

[dusky axle]

yep

is it normal to want to cry but tears wont come out anymore?-

[glad bridge]

Unfortunately, it happens yes :')

[dusky axle]

ARGH I WANNA BACK FLIP OFF A BUILDING— i feel like my heart has been missing since we broke up, it just feels like he's kept it and i want it back but i dont want it back-

[dusky axle]

My body is such a piece of crap for not letting me sob rn-

[glad bridge]

Don't worry it will be okay

[dusky axle]

I wanna love again, but i want to only love him again- but then I dont wanna love him because he deserves his happy life that he has today-

he was so sweet aech-

he was so caring

and i feel so CHEEZY RIGHT NOW READING MY TEXT MESSAGES

this is why i dont talk about my feelings to my friends irl, my feelings are too complicated to really get off my chest-

i need opinions on what i should do ;w;,,,,,

i seriously feel like i cant sleep tonight qwq

[glad bridge]

Well, at least we know for sure that, no matter what you should do ends up being, you can't move an inch forward if you don't even want to move on.

[dusky axle]

How do i even make myself "want to move on"?

I mean.. I WANT to move on, but theres something stopping me-

and its myself because i cant convince the other part of me that i still love him when in reality, i should STOP

Someone hit me unconscious with a baseball bat please

[glad bridge]

If this is what's "stopping" you, then it's a matter of accepting that nobody can get all what they wish for.