i cheated, and i need help. (vague bc of text limit)

[lost cargo]

the only thing i want to ask is that you read all of this through before saying anything. i acknowledge am an unreliable narrator of sorts bc stuff has been beyond stressful and my memory's fuzzy. i know i did what i did. but i can't remember all of it. this is my perspective. i just want to do better.

(i want to specify we were openly poly. like, thats smth we addressed when we got together, but we ourselves were still exclusive, so we'd talk to each other before pursuing anyone.)

i cheated on my bf of 10 months with his best friend. we're long distance, me in one state, him and his friend in another. they know each other in person. the kind of cheating this was, if we want to get specific, was an emotional affair. my bf withdrew a bit during the summer because he had a lot going on (like genuinely, a lot), so we didn't talk as much. he needed a bit of space to do his own thing, which is absolutely valid. he was the closest person to me at the time, and it was hard dealing with his step back. im not mad at him for it ofc, i'd never be, but that step back left me standing on my own for the first time in a while, and i leaned on his friend for support because i needed someone at that time.

i felt i could get close with them in the way i could with like, few others. feelings developed on both sides after a while, and while they were acknowledged and we stepped back, we got flirty beforehand. it was one time, but one time too many. it took me a second to realize they were flirting with me, bc ive never experienced that kind of thing before (im 19, this is my first relationship), but i said some things i shouldn't have. i had actively expressed the want to be with them, but it wouldn't have been possible, which i understood. my bf and this person had gotten into an altercation not too long beforehand, and it just wouldn't have worked. i didn't even know i'd cheated until a mutual friend pointed it out.

thoughts? advice? how can i do better?

ik i worded it shortly, but thats bc of the post length. i am genuinely remorseful. i just wanted to get this off my chest. i need to hold myself accountable. i don't want to be someone who thinks this stuff is okay. i am beyond sorry and i want nothing more than to improve, like, genuinely. im in therapy now, and ive brought this up there, as well as some other issues that need to be dealt with. i just want others perspectives -- im not the most aware person, as it turns out. like a lot of stuff flies by without me noticing, and that can be extremely harmful. i don't want to do anymore harm. i just want to do better than this, but im scared that i can't. i feel dirty, and i feel awful. bc this is what i know, but what if its not all of what happened?? what if there's other things that im not aware of? the thought of it is eating at me. and i can't ask him, bc that looks insensitive, and we're no contact rn and for the forseeable future.

i cheated, and i need help. (vague bc of text limit)

[thorny violet]

Well, what else to do other than acknowledging your mistake without excuses and moving on?

[lost cargo]

i just hate the fact that’s all i can do, yk? i know i’ve done some bad things, and i’m actively working on them, but it just. it doesn’t feel like enough. nothing i can say or do will fix or make up for what i’ve done, i know that much, it just hurts. i hate the fact that i’ve hurt the people i love. i don’t even know if i deserve to take the time and the space that i am to address my problems and my needs. it feels like i’m babying myself, like i’m acting like im the one who was hurt in all this.

[thorny violet]

That's why I prefaced it with "what else to do?". I mean if there's anything more you could do, how would it look like?

And if you're babying yourself, you might be doing it wrong because the road towards self-improvement is full of thorns and no stroll in the park. It will be painful enough.

[lost cargo]

i’m not sure, and that’s where i’m lost. i know i can work on the problems i’m aware of, work to discover the ones i’m not, and fix whatever caused this mess in the first place. but i feel as though i need to be doing something to do right by my ex. i feel like there’s something more i should do, but i don’t know what. he doesn’t want to talk, and i absolutely respect that fact, i just feel stuck.

[lost cargo]

i hope i’m not babying myself. i just want to be better, not coddle myself, yk?

[thorny violet]

One thing you might not be aware of is that, "obviously", for someone to be able to maintain multiple poly relationships, they need to be able to maintain at least one well enough. But you said you were 19 and it's your first relationship that you couldn't maintain for more than 10 month, so it's hard to see how that could ever work out.
Unfortunately sometimes "poly" is (intentionally or unintentionally) used to simply avoid commitment. If you keep the door open to relationships, then you can "pick and choose" without having to commit. If you've closed that door from the beginning, it might've been easier to not end up cheating.

[thorny violet]

Yup that's a good mindset.

[lost cargo]

i don’t think it was a commitment issue. i mean, it could be, but the poly thing is more bc i feel i have the capacity to love more than one person. its not a dealbreaker, or a label to hide under so i can slip around and be with whoever, yk? i need to learn on setting boundaries with myself, and on getting better at acknowledging the unfamiliar ones. i don’t wanna pick and choose, or hop from one to another. that’s cheap and they don’t deserve that. i wanna love who i’m completely and thoroughly, and commit to them, yk? (edited bc i worded that wrong 😭) bc i love them, and they’re worth that commitment. i want to close those doors, and if another one is to be opened, it’s gotta be done the right way, yk? talked about, and that’s where i went wrong. i didn’t bring up my feelings because it wouldn’t have gone anywhere. there was an altercation between my bf and the friend a while back, and while they made up on their own terms, at the time, it wouldnt have worked out, and i knew that. i just didn’t want to lose that person.

[thorny violet]

I understand that don't worry, I'm not saying you had any malicious intent. A lot of people are capable of loving more than one person. But as you should've realized by know, love is not enough to maintain a relationship. You also need the psychological readiness to deal with the challenges and meet the expectations that are required from you. So if you couldn't have that for one relationship, how are you going to have it for multiple?
Commitment is not a buzzword, it means recognizing that you have to sacrifice some of your needs for the sake of maintaining a healthy relationship. In this case, you couldn't sacrifice the emotional void resulting from your bf's withdrawal, so you sought to fill it from someone else, which didn't seem too threatening because after all, you're "poly", but it unsurprisingly didn't work out.