I've lost touch with reality

[light sand]

Basically, i've been an introvert for as long as I can remember. I have 2 great friends, a few good friends, and that's about it. I desperately wanted to connect with other people so I can develop as a normal human being. Haha, fat chance.

My classmates have already made their own "groups". Kinda wanted in, but I have nothing in common with them, so I guess that's fine.
I don't know anyone from my school either, so talking to other ppl from other classes is out of the question.

I'm a great student, like a REALLY good highschool student, and I think most are just jealous of my amazing grades. That's fine, I understand, I'm not dumb

I used to love gaming and studying (not in the nerdy way, ofc). I genuinely think I'm a nice but misunderstood person. I've lost touch with my passions. I no longer feel the need to do anything, really. I'm just there, in the shadows, just doing nothing.

I don't have anything to offer anymore. My days are as regular and as bland as ever. That's not a bad thing actually, but not good either. I also don't have anything else to say because of my days. I don't go to the gym. I have plenty of time but I feel as if my time isn't used effectively. I use my phone for 3-4 hours every day, mostly not on social media (weird, right? I've checked).

I'm so used to feeling good that when nothing good ever happens I just feel empty or sad. Getting good grades isn't bringing me happiness anymore. It's just the normal stuff. The bad stuff doesn't really harm me, I sincerely don't care about criticism and stuff. I'm just desensitized to anything!

So yeah, there it is.
What can I do? Is there anything I can do?

I want to go to college, maybe there I'll find like-minded people

Oh, I should add the fact that I am quite chatty if other people want to talk to me. I'm not ashamed, quite the opposite actually. If on a particular day I've chatted with many of my fellow classmates, then it's a special great day!
I just prefer others to take the first step. I really need that feeling of knowing the other person is truly interesting in what I say

[raw hazel]

I always think that relying on change to be a solution such as going to college is not the best way to go, building a positive status quo that suits you and makes you feel comfortable is the best way to go about it. You can be excited about change, sure. But relying on it is putting pressure on a situation that we seriously can't say anything about.

Albeit, that is easier said than done, so you should focus on becoming an initiator, take the active effort, I know it's tough, but there might be people like you out there who also expect others to take the first step

And by not interacting with anyone, you are preventing yourself from a potentially amazing convo you could be having

[light sand]

Hmm, you're right

But it's difficult to find people now that everyone has built their own groups

I'm just stuck in my classroom

Many people have said hi to me on the halls, but I don't even know who they are

never even thought about them either

in middle school, my classmates were awful, they weren't great people to be around (in general!), and I've got used to being alone for so long

Have lived through middle school with 1 or 2 close friends

lost contact with one of them because of growing competitiveness and parent-tensions

the other one has changed quite a lot, and I don't really find myself in that friend anymore, so I let both go

I've made many other friends at my new school - currently highschool, 10th grade - but I don't think that's enough. I'm comfortable, I want more, but I just don't know how to

But at the same time, I don't have a reason to make more friends either, so I'm being pulled in two contrary directions

[raw hazel]

Okay, firstly, middle school always sucks, I have never not once heard someone positively reminisce middle school, secondly, I think changing your mindset might make it easier, you want something more, but you don't know what it is and you are dissatisfied with the status quo, in such a situation, force the change you want to see, or at least experiment, say hi back to the people in the hall, go out more, meet new people by any means possible, likely, you won't achieve what you want to achieve, but at the very least, you will be narrowing down the possibilities of what you are actually looking for.

[light sand]

Okay, that's a nice piece of advice

But I genuinely don't have anything to say

sure, first contact will be info-rich, we would talk a lot, but then everything would really fizzle out to basically nothing, because nothing new ever comes up in ma life

I'm basically the definition of stability and boring

But the good type of boring!

[raw hazel]

If you internalize that, everything will actually seem boring, idk how to differentiate the good and the bad, but there are so many people out there, there is a reason you have close friends and maintain that, as such, if conversation really worked like that, nobody would be friends with anybody, some people r ur type and some aren't, what we can do is keep trying until you find your people. The disappointment is in never giving a shot at it and accepting a reality you know you dont want to accept