#Should me and my bf stay in a relationship?

288 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

sacred gull
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hey guyss, i'm going through a bit of a rough time with my relationship, so me and my boyfriend have been together for like 2 years with a 5 month break. and honestly, i knew who he was from the beggining, an obsessed person who was insecure and wanted someone to love and wanted someone who loved him.. he's gotten way better at not being so clingy and insecure, yet.. i still have nightmares about him, like i'm constantly having a dream that he's with someone else, and that he leaves me, or that he gets me in trouble. i don't know what this means.. everything he says is so right but so wrong. i can't describe to him the problem because he's already changed so much for me and i don't know how to word it

full jetty
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Bc you had dreams!?

sacred gull
# full jetty Bc you had dreams!?

uhm- no.. so, like i said we've been together for 2 years and these nightmares have been getting more consistent and i feel like it's my subconscious trying to tell me something.. there has been alot more going on in our relationship in the past that led me to this point . idk if it's time to change our paths..

full jetty
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Im sorry but i have to understand the circumstances

sacred gull
# full jetty Im sorry but i have to understand the circumstances

nono it's totally fine, i should've provided more context. so basically my bf used to be so insecure that he didn't want me talking to anyone besides him (and family). and i did that for 1 year straight because i genuinely thought he would change like he promised. but even after that he didn't want me texting other ppl, would check my phone, my email, and make sure i had no messages from anyone. (i secretly still texted my friend who is like a brother to me and my girl bff.) and he found out abt it and got mad. even though one day i went through his phone and phone msgs from his ex gf, and he claimed that "he gave his friends his account and they were texting her"

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he was very dismissive abt it

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which was crazy because if i had done that he would've been insecure for WEEKS

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but besides all that, he was too rough with me, sarcastic with my mom.. (my mom is hard to please with him anyway but still)

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he had an attitude

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he was a bit innapropiate in public

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trying to pda

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so we broke up and got back together

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break up was for 5 months

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and i felt so much better

full jetty
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Sis

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Cut that btch off

sacred gull
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SHOULD I? 😭

full jetty
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Im sorry but he is a obsessive

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He want to own

compact tinsel
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Feeling better out of a relationship is a clear sign that it's not the right one

full jetty
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Yeah its not

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There is nothing good in this relationship

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The biggest red glad was him not letting u talk with somebody else but he was talking with his ex

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Thats cheating

sacred gull
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yeah you're right 😭 i really do love him.. i wanted to be a person who could help him be better

full jetty
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You just hurting yourself

full jetty
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And you are not in a relationship to help somebody you are not a doctor

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Its should be both support

empty condor
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hey, making the decision to break up with someone must be very difficult, not to mention you guys had 2 years together. i feel like your current bf is controlling, and that hes also very manipulative

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its on you if you want to stay with him

full jetty
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Thats what i tried to tell her

empty condor
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you have o ask yourself if you want someone whos going to allow you to talk to whomever you want, whenever you want, and will be open and honest with you about thier conversations and also ask if you would reciprocate

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this is the fundamentals of having a safe and healthy relationship to begin with

sacred gull
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he doesn't do that anymore, not since we broke up and got back together.. but he is showing signs of going back to being really clingy and honestly, i just dont feel..like he's my person i feel like i just really love him and he's all i know.

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idk how to be in another relationship

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idk how to start over

empty condor
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its ok to not know

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but you cant think of another relationship right now

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thats too in the future

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you need to focus on the now

empty condor
full jetty
sacred gull
# empty condor doesnt control you anymore?

he doesn't do the whole not talking to anyone thing. but he's still insecure and will be like "wyd?" every 5 minutes "Do you still love me?" "You sounded upset.." and start crying..

empty condor
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mm

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does he still talk to his ex?

full jetty
empty condor
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it seems like he doesnt really trust you, which is bad since you need to trust one another

sacred gull
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when i found that message he deleted the account on which i found the msg on and deleted the app he used so idk

full jetty
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Does his family loves him

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He seems lonely

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I dont think you need to find excuses, i know you love and its gonna be hard, but its the solution

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He gonna put you down

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You will feel pity more than love

empty condor
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im just waiting on more context

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lol

full jetty
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Ahahah

sacred gull
# full jetty Does his family loves him

erm, well.. he has alot going on, he has a heart condintion that was inheritted from his father who, left them and had a whole 'nother family, his mama says she loves him but also can treat him like absolute crap.. and uhm disiplines him with psyhical pain from a certain object when she's upset, and even called the cops on him one time. and then there's his sister, who left him with his abusive mom a long time ago and saved herself, she now lives peacefully with her husband and visits sometimes.

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his little brother loves him but he's a bit...crazy ig?

empty condor
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mm

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sounds like a really complex root issue for him

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hes scared of you leaving him like his father

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the attachment issues are there

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have you tried reassuring him that your gonna stick by his side?

sacred gull
empty condor
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damn

sacred gull
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but it feels like it's never enough

empty condor
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mm

sacred gull
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he still begs me not to cheat on him

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(WHICH I NEVER HAVE. just for context.)

empty condor
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i mean i trust you that you arent, your here asking for help, dont worry

full jetty
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Why did u put urself in this omg

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There is so much going on with him

empty condor
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hey man

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dont judge

full jetty
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Im not

empty condor
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we dont know who people are until they really are with you for a while

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thats why it takes a long time for people to realize they have toxic friends

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this sounds really complex and im really sorry your going through this though

full jetty
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if it was me when i know that i leave fast but she hasnt lot of experiences

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And she loves him

empty condor
full jetty
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Thats why i said if it was me

empty condor
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id like to say i like to give people alot of chances before cutting them off

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yeah

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anyways

full jetty
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They dont change

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We just make that

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So we have a reason to stay with them

empty condor
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youll be surprised when you get to know people and thier own circumstances

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theres something keeping them from changing, depends on what they have been through

full jetty
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If they wanted they will

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But yeah not always

empty condor
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not saying you need to be the savior but sometimes you need to be the push that helps them

full jetty
empty condor
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then the trash takes itself out

full jetty
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But we get hurt

empty condor
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and we learn

full jetty
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yepp exactly

empty condor
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if you live your life being scared of being hurt then you dont grow

full jetty
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im not im talking generally

sacred gull
# full jetty There is so much going on with him

there is but.. he's seen all my flaws and has proven to love me even through them, he's seen me and my best and some of my worst and he's still here, it could be because he really just doesnt think anyone else would put up with this. but he's my first real boyfriend and he's met my family and i really thought that he could change... if only he just wasnt so damn insecure

full jetty
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2 years its alot

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And still no change

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I dont think he will

empty condor
full jetty
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Maybe

empty condor
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change isnt immediate

full jetty
empty condor
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it takes time to occur

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everyone inherently is

full jetty
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She want to leave him bc of his insecurities

empty condor
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hes taken steps to change like not being so obsessive

full jetty
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Bc she left him

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Thats not change

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He changed when she wasnt with him

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Proof that if he wanted he wouldve when he was with her

empty condor
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it takes losing someone we loved so dearly for us to understand our flaws

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and were able to look back at our mistakes and are able to fix them

full jetty
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You are so optimistic omg you made me tired

empty condor
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if thats not change i dont know what is

full jetty
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That’s manipulation

empty condor
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look, i dont know this relationship entirely, i can only take her word

sacred gull
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i definetely believe in the "in he wanted too he would" statement. but i also believe that change takes time. you two are a literal demonstration of the back and forth in my head 🤣

full jetty
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Overall lets tell what do we think she do

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You start

empty condor
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i think she should do what she believes is best, if she feels alot better leaving him then do it, but i can understand the pain that you will inflict on the other side, and the pain she is causing herself too

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shes tried her best to fix this and hes trying to change, its very slow but its definetly something

full jetty
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Thats not an answer she came here bc she didnt know what to do

sacred gull
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regardless it still made me feel better talking about it with y'all 😭

empty condor
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i would have said initally leave him, but more context changes the mind

full jetty
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I think him being insecure is a jealousy and him being traumatized in his childhood of not being loved its not against you but he got that from his home , he got away from his manipulation thats good regardless in your break maybe he missed u and tried the best to be with you again, he loves you and being with him its a good thing but you will get hurt waiting him to change thats the price you have to pay, and you leave him you will pay by guilt and heartbroken

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You just choose which pain

full jetty
empty condor
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but ok

sacred gull
empty condor
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¯_(ツ)_/¯

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im just a chill guy

full jetty
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But i got tired

empty condor
full jetty
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I let everything go

empty condor
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good

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let everything go

full jetty
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Thats was a good thing talking to you guys

sacred gull
full jetty
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It also helped me losing the bad mood of today

empty condor
full jetty
sacred gull
empty condor
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at the end of the day

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your going to be ok

full jetty
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It a hard choice but thats life

empty condor
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and you are your own person and your going to come out stronger regardless of staying or leaving

full jetty
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You will get plenty of them

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You have to be ready from now

empty condor
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use the experience here to shape what your really looking for from a person

full jetty
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Yep knowing someone is never a lost

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Either you find the perfect one , you got experience or a lesson

sacred gull
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do you guys thing that he'll be broken if i leave?

full jetty
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Did he in the break?

sacred gull
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like.. i dont want him to resort to drastic messuares

empty condor
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absolutely, thats why breaking up with someone is difficult

full jetty
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If you choose to broke up you have to forget him

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Thats the price like a told

sacred gull
empty condor
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self destructive behavior..

full jetty
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You are still worrying about him and what he will do but if you dont want to be fixing someone life you need to turn the page and let him control his life

full jetty
empty condor
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ik

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just

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nvm

sacred gull
empty condor
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its really difficult and i can litteraly see what he could do and the scenarios in my head

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but this is for you now

full jetty
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He need that breakup

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To get better

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But here we talking about you

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Its not always about him

sacred gull
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neko is absolutely right and so are you , i'm extremely worried about the other party. and i'm scared to be alone but i know that that's a good reason to leave in the first place

empty condor
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is this the gf of the agent jericho guy /j

full jetty
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You need to prioritize yourself first

sacred gull
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maybe someone shouldn't ever need me but want me yknow?

empty condor
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i understand the fear of loneliness

full jetty
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You will find people

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Like you found him

empty condor
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thats why the first step you need to take post breakup is to open up your contacts and find people you need to catch up with

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make yourself avaliable n

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ow

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for your friends

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not for relationships

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well techically friends are relationships

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i should rephrase ROMANTIC relationships

full jetty
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Love comes with time

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Its not necessary

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Family is

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Support is

sacred gull
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can i adopt y'all as my friends? 😭

empty condor
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well

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im here anytime

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will take me 5-7 business days to respond but ill be here

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im lurking

full jetty
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Will you tolerate our fights? 🤔😭

empty condor
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ii dont consider them fights

full jetty
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I know im kidding

sacred gull
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that's pure entertainment1!

empty condor
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its really difficult for me because i got broken up with

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so i cant really see the perspective your in

full jetty
empty condor
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im doing well now

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but we need to be here for her

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yknow

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rn

full jetty
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I know im saying later if you wanna talk about it

empty condor
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im just saying though i cant understand as well her perspective but i can understand his perspective

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anyways

sacred gull
empty condor
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remember to take care of yourself

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i didnt eat for a week straight post breakup

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dont do that

full jetty
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Dont give her ideas

empty condor
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do things that can make you a better person instead

empty condor
full jetty
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I had that problem

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But with depression not break up

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Im good now too

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Thats the proof that everything pass

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And it gets better

sacred gull
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I'm so sorry you went through that.. when me and him broke up the first time all he said was "can i have my ring back" (promise ring)

empty condor
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mhm

sacred gull
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i really didn't think he'd destruct as much as he did

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but i've always told him to take care of himself

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making sure he ate

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stayed healthy

empty condor
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mm

sacred gull
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drank liquids

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idk he didnt want to do it himself

empty condor
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how did you learn about how he was doing, did you maintain contact with him?

full jetty
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Maybe he told her that just to manipulate her and it wasnt true

sacred gull
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after 4 months we occassionally called and talked, and all he wanted to talk about was getting back together and begging for me

empty condor
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lets not spectulate and know what she knows

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so you went back for pity?

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oh no girl

sacred gull
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no-

empty condor
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jk

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no speculation

sacred gull
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😭

empty condor
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why did you go back then?

sacred gull
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i just missed him and wanted to know how he was doing

empty condor
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yep

full jetty
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So he did no effort

sacred gull
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during that 1 month we talked he showed GENUINE signs of change

empty condor
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mm

full jetty
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Thats pure manipulation

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Sis

empty condor
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what did you notice him doing that indictaed change to you

sacred gull
empty condor
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wow

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i mean good on him

sacred gull
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and i guess the more we were together that slowly overtime went away.

full jetty
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Bc he lost you and wanted to come back

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So he gived that impression

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Ofc he will not make himself look bad

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Why would you be back with someone bad

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( its just a supposition)

sacred gull
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yeah i suppose , i think it was all to lure me back in possibly

full jetty
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Anyways

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We hope we helped and you find your answer

empty condor
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i mean

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you forced him to move on

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so he was becoming a better version of himself

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thats how i see things

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but once he won you back i suppose his progress slowed down

full jetty
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But she is the one that texted him

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So it wasn’t change to come back

full jetty
short moon
# full jetty You just hurting yourself

Everyone deserves a chance to get better cutting off is horrible some people feel regret and want to change people like you who influence others into breaking up with there partner without knowing the other person is messed up there's always 2 sides of the story

sacred gull
# short moon Everyone deserves a chance to get better cutting off is horrible some people fee...

respectfully, they're just going based off of what i said and are doing the best to help me because I am the one to reached out for help, they cant know his side because he's not here to tell it. they know he's been through alot and still going through alot and they know that he's not a bad guy. but his enviornment is preventing him from growing to be the better person that he may or may not want to become. he's had 2 years and is slowly improving so he has had chances and still has one, but if i see something or hear something i dont like i'm going to talk to him about it and if he can't fix it then i can't be with him.. neko knows that it could hurt ME if i stay and continue to wait for him to get better because then I will be emotionally drained from waiting, and need my own healing.

surreal sonnet
# sacred gull respectfully, they're just going based off of what i said and are doing the best...

Based off of what you said, any person who cares enough for themselves would leave that relationship. Trying to fix someone that doesnt want to be fixed wont work. Being so insecure that he gets mad when you talk to anybody else is a red flag, and pairing that with texting his ex. I dont know everything yall have been through, but if it were me in this situation I would end it and if he cant accept that then I would do everything to make it no contact so he couldnt bother me. I wish you the best of luck with your situation, and remember, this is just what I would do. You dont have to do any of this.

sacred gull
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Thank you to everyone who helped me

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I will be closing this post