Fragments of my Life [Diary]

[earnest pivot]

Luck yeah, since I'm too lazy to work

I hope coinflips will save me

I don't feel my hands anymore

Why is it so cold

Well I can't complain, it's worse in the US

I saw on news that there's a big storm and insanely negative temperatures

It's better in France

But still cold

It's in °C btw, not this weird temperature ""fahrenheit""

Next year I'll have physic class again

This year, like everyone, I had to give up one of the three options I took 2 years ago, so I gave up physics (grade: 3/20 in the last trimester 💀)

It'll be a disaster in higher education

But let's be optimist

Maybe I can my master's degree ?

It'll be useful to find a nice job in AI

And I need the knowledges anyways

So if I fail, I'm not good enough for that ig

In informatics, there are a billion possibilities, and even more each day in our modern society, which has evolved towards informatics. So, I'll just take another path if I can't complete my master's degree.
If I'm accepted into the school, though 😭 I talk as if a school has already accepted me. The education system in France is so hard; finding a higher education school with "normal" grades can be hard or even impossible. And if you don't make the right "wishes" on what we call "Parcoursup," you're done—you have to wait a year or can't get into a school.
It's hard to explain, but at the end of the day, a lot of people after high school don't find a higher education school.

So you have to candidate for a LOT of schools to be accepted in one. The admission % of higher education schools with like grades of 12/20 (average is obv 10/20, so it's ok), is 2-5%

It means that on 20 schools, only 1 accepts you

You can make 10 'wishes' btw

10 for the first selection

And if you're not accepted by any school you have a second selection, but most schools are already full, there's only the bad schools, if they aren't full too.

It was a good explaination of France education system

So if I don't have a school next year I'll sell drug

No jk

I don't want to deal with these worthless people

If I fail school 100% (which won't happen), I can just fully commit to my clan and get money from it. I just don't want to be dependent on that, and it'll take so much effort to convince a clan my family left on purpose to pay me lol

Or I just get better and duel the leader to death

I mean, since the duel result is obvious...
Once i'll be dead there won't be any money problem... 😭

Anyway, the info exam is in 4h

I'll play League of Legends

For some reasons I have fun playing this again

There's a lot of updates it's cool

If we forget the toxic community

The game is good

I just finished placement games and I'm plat 3

I'll probably rank up to diamond soon again

Then idk if I have the level to get to master anymore

Probably

Master 200/300lp I guess, but I'll leave the game before, it's not fun and need a lot of tryhard

I play 4 fun

Cya diary.

[earnest pivot]

Wtf I finished in 8 mins

Spent 4 mins just double checking everything because it's not supposed to be so easy

I was searching for the trap

When I told the guy I finished, he checked what I did (idk why, in the real exam they won't check anything)

He asked me some questions

Like "why is there a double [ in image[i][j]

This is some basic ultra simple questions?!

There's no way some people don't know that

He asked me about list comprehension, I can understand for this one, it's not easy for a beginner

So, I did the subject + answered questions + took my stuff and got out of school in 8 mins

It's a 2h exam

Why?!!
Why they give us only 4h in philosophy where 5h could save me, but give 2h for a kindergarten subject

They make me suffer with a pretty hard math exam

And make the info exam full of ultra basic questions

It means that schools in higher education know that having high grades in info is easy, and they'll not look much at it

I swear, anyone who has never touched a programming language in his life would only need 1h a day for a week to have the maximum grades on this exam

No no actually no

Other people from my class said the thing is hard

WTF

I'll send the subject here 1sec

Oh it's in french

And i'm outside

Idc just look at it

I asked chatgpt to translate rq

EXERCISE 1 (10 points)

Write two Python functions:

1. lancer(n): Takes a positive integer n as a parameter and returns a list
   of n random integers between 1 and 6 (inclusive).
2. paire_6(tab): Takes a list of integers tab as a parameter and returns True
   if the number of 6s in the list is greater than or equal to 2, otherwise False.

We use the function randint(a, b) from the random module, which returns a random
integer N such that a <= N <= b.

Examples:

lancer1 = lancer(5)
print(lancer1) # Example output: [5, 6, 6, 2, 2]
print(paire_6(lancer1)) # True

lancer2 = lancer(5)
print(lancer2) # Example output: [6, 5, 1, 6, 6]
print(paire_6(lancer2)) # True

lancer3 = lancer(3)
print(lancer3) # Example output: [2, 2, 6]
print(paire_6(lancer3)) # False

lancer4 = lancer(0)
print(lancer4) # []
print(paire_6(lancer4)) # False

--
Anyone who know a bit of Python can realize how easy this ex1 is

The 2nd one is almost the same level of difficulty

• you just need to complete an already made code

They even tell us how to use randint, please 😭

It's the final exam for the validation of 2 years of informatic

And you put THIS ?

Alr, I'll stop here

On this diary

I'll cry more about it to my older friend who told me that this exam was too easy 2y ago, and I didn't believe him

I could have done it perfectly with the level I had 5 years ago, 1 month after starting python it's crazy.

I said i'll stop

Istop.

Nah it's crazy

I'm still mad

They could make a easier math subject and harder info subject

just to balance them a bit

--
I didn't see S this week since she's younger, she doesn't have the exams

I'll have to study philosophy

We only have 3 main themes to stuyd

1: Freedom, 2: Work, 3: Knowledge

And we'll have 3 possible subjects, 2 dissertations and 1 text analysis

Last year for the french final exam (it's in 2nd year, and now i'm in 3rd year so I have all the other exams), I took the text analysis subject

Since I sleep in class

Well, when I was here...

So I had no idea what we did this year, I had no choice

I got a 14/20, it's pretty pretty solid

average is 10/20, and my friends got 9-12/20

except for my smart friends, they got 18/20

So 14 is way above average, it's nice for someone who's never studied

for the oral french final exam (there's a writing part and a oral part), I got 11

It's a linear analysis

I haven't seen the text ONCE IN MY LIFE

before reading it the exam day

11/20 on a text I don't know (i shouldve listened in class), is ok

i'll probably get less at the math exam lol

even if i studied a bit for it ... (not really)

I watched ytb videos on math

[earnest pivot]

I decided to stalk a bit S to get some infos on her

Not really on 'her', but on her family and where she comes from

There's so much stories about her showing absurd autority and everyone listening to her that idk which one to tell

I already wrote some here previously so it's enough

So, for some reason everyone respect her, even the powerful kids from the private side of my school, ; I didn't want to be disrespectful by searching without her consent but she don't want to talk about this

And I don't want to ask her either

If she doesn't open first then I don't want to be annoying

I'm just trying to find the importance of her family, is she a kid from a government member ? From a rich family ? A mafia ?

a clan maybe ?

Idk, she's probably not so important

I'd prefer knowing this before getting too close from her

imagine if she's a target for some reasons

There's like 0.01% chance

And it's still too high for me to take the risk

I mean, I wouldnt let go of her even if she was the most wanted person in the universe

It's just to know more about her and be ready if something bad happens

Also, I don't blindly trust her, maybe she wanted to be my friend to gain my trust and betray me ?

It already happened with a member from another clan in my school when I was a kid

Nah I'm just being paranoiac

Or searching for excuses to get more infos on her without her consent ? Yeah surely

I don't need excuses for that

My morals is fine with investigating people's lives

Idc of the rules

It's not like I'm doing that for a bad reason

And it's not like I'll get in any trouble with my skills on doing this.

Anyway, time to play roblox piano

I found this game where you can plug your piano to your PC and play on roblox

It allows me to play with my headphones to not bother anyone

And it's so cool, you can see the notes fall

Like in any piano video I've sent here

Like this

[dense basin]

How?

[earnest pivot]

by a midi cable

my piano is electric

[earnest pivot]

Yeeterday my mom and my stepfzther got in a big argument

I think they definitely broke up

The problem is, it's 100% my mom's fault

It's so annoying

She's my mom and I can't blame her for her choices in her relation, but I liked him

She started calling my dad time to time

Yesterday afternoon I saw her showing my hamster to my dad on videocall

I waited them to finish and I got rly mad telling her it's disrepectful for my stepfather, and we do not care of him so why does she

So the same day they argued on phone and my stepfather came at home rly mad

They argued a lot and my mom asked him to leave many times

So I listened to them a bit

And wow, how can my mom be so stupid

I swear

She's fking her own relation

I can't explain why since I'll have to give names and private infos

Me and my sister went downstairs and took my stepfather side by saying she shouldn't take to our father anymore.

After he left I had to fake being on my mom's side

She'll be the one staying with me for life

I don't want a trivial thing destroy our relation

She's insanely bad at love relationship, happens ig

It just makes me mad.

I wrote too much I'm too late to go to school rn

F...

It's fine

I said "no more class missed now!" 2d ago

It's spanish class, all good.

[earnest pivot]

We talked about religion in philosophy

I am in disbelief at how blinded believers are

I mean, I have nothing against god

It's not about "god exists or not"
Just by how they try to avoid anything they can't explain

For example my friend told me about a man who experienced death for 30s and came back to life

This man said he was at the final judgment and was revived in the middle of it.

My friend's story is an insult to god and he didn't even realized it

If god is all powerful, he would know that this man'll get revived and wouldn't have brought him to the final judgment since he wasn't going to die

So it means that either god is not all powerful, or this man just had a hallucination caused by near death experience

He didn't even TRY to answer me, and said "you can't understand"
They often say that or try to change the topic.

It's crazy

The more I talk with christian or islamic ppl, the more I find them stupid

It's not all ofc

But blindly trusting something and rejecting every contradictory idea about religion is what allows them to last so long.
If people actually thought rationally, in an environment where parents didn’t indoctrinate their children into believing in God, religions would be much smaller—close to insignificant.

God might exist, but religions are far too incoherent, and the only argument people seem to have is: "Prophets predicted what would happen."
Yeah, sure… luck? Insane prediction skills? Or maybe the facts are so ambiguous that they can be interpreted vaguely?
If God wanted to interact with us, He would’ve done it better.

A counter argument to this is "but god want to let us have faith in him so he didn't show"

So why Jesus Christ was running everywhere and yelling that god exists ?

If he was rly sent by god, god wouldn't have told him to indoctrinate other

I don't think religions will last forever

Human societies are evolving fast

I also don't have any problem against religions tbh

It's normal that humans need religion

Ive alrdy talked about this in a PhV

I have a problem with the believers who try to justify their faith with incoherent arguments

If you want to believe in god, then say “I can’t prove it but I have faith.”
Don't fking argue with me with stupid arguments and then stop the debate once I deconstructed it too well

I spent time trying to get your point and countering it

And you just say "nah nvm"

"you can't understand, at least I, not you, will go to heaven"

Yeah another point of religion, Hell

If this didn't existed I couldve believed more in religions

It's so stupid

"God is kind and forgives everything"

"But he punishes you by infinite suffering if you don't believe in him"

That's north korea dictatorship

And I'm not insulting God here, but religions

Tell me if I'm wrong, but no matter what someone does—even if they were to kill 1 billion people—the suffering they caused can still be measured as a finite value.

So to punish that you're condamned to eternal suffering ?

Read my PhV on immortality

I think it's the Philosophical Values 4 ? Or 3

I'm not on pc I can't search for it

Human life esperance is 100 years

If you're condamned to eternal suffering, are you still the same person 100000B years later ??

Our existence on earth would be insignifiant, in math 100/100000B can be considered as 0%

You're punished with eternal suffering for what you did in 0,0000....1% on your life

There's no counter argument to this

It's just stupid

When I said this to my friend he said "yeah and it's normal, he should get this punishment, he had a lot of time to repent when he was alive"

Hahaha he missed all my point

And it's norma to suffer an infinite amount of time for a finite amount of suffering you caused ?

Infinite is infinitely superior to any finite number
You don't realize how big it is

If hell exist and I go to hell for pointing this incoherent system

Then I wouldn't be mad

If god exist and religions are correct, and god really punishes finite crimes by infinite suffering, and; not believing in him and question how he manages afterlife deserves infinite suffering,
Then he doesn't deserve my respect

But ofc I don't think any of this is true

God should be an entity without feelings if he exists like religions describe him

"good" or "bad" is a human thing'

God might see this differently

Have you see Ragnar Crimson ?
God could be like the one in this serie, so just an entity far from human behaviour, with a non understandable way of thinking for humans

(if we follow religions)

[earnest pivot]

Anyway I already gave my opinion in this, so no need to rewrite it

--

[earnest pivot]

Nothing new happened in my life

So I have nothing interesting to write here

Atleast there's no bad news right

[earnest pivot]

When I don't write it feels like waiting for an answer from the person you like

The situation is totally different but it's exactly how I feel

Like my messages were written by someone else for me, and I always wait for them

I have a strong dependance to diaries

I could do without them but I'd lose my mind

It's contradictory-

I mean, it's not like drugs, I can stop writing easily, but I'll have a lot of trouble with the gestion of my thoughts and feelings

I can do that in meditation or by writing in diaries

And writing allows me to do multiple things at the same time

Also I can write everywhere anywhere

Meditation is mostly before I go to sleep or in the moments I have time

I should go to sleep, I can't be tired already the first day of the week

--
Goodnight diary.

Wait to not forget I need to write it rn:
I had a dream this night, and without explaining it too much, my mom had a new kid and she was named something like "Ophelia"

I like this name

Maybe my future kid will be named Ophelia

And if it's a boy then I'm cooked

I'll still name him Ophelia, good luck to him, it's his fault for not being a girl

Ofc not, I need to find another one.

Why am I even looking for my kid's names. I'm 15, don't like relations, and don't want to have kids before I lived my life like as intended...

Goodnight diary x2.

[earnest pivot]

I'm lucky to be so beautiful

I am not narcissistic

But a bit

Loving yourself shouldn't be a shame.

I have so many things that I hate in my mind, I have the right to love my physique

It's not really useful to be pretty

I mean, for me

Ofc in society being pretty offers you everything you want, especially when you're a girl

But my goal in life is not to be the center of attention

I don't talk about it much but there are so many weirdos who follow me in the streets

And I'm in France, a relatively safe country

I can't imagine somewhere else

I would be kidnapped

I think when you're pretty, but like rly pretty, it's an obstacle in life

The reason I'm so mature at 15 is because I've been through more bad things than the majority of the adult population.

Not saying that I'm mature or anything, but more than people of my age.

I faced reality and the perversion of humanity when I was a kid

And bad family situation, ect... But everyone can experience that, it's not unique

My story is not unique too, I think a lot of kids suffered from worst

Humans are trivial and inherently bad

I can't imagine doing what I endured to a kid

A kid'.

At this stage of life you're ignorant and you should have a lot of time to discover all the beauty of the world

Language, speaking, writing, nature, friendship, love

And so much more

But no, some adults have to impose their adult behavior on you

And when it's only that it's fine

When I was 11 I had a boyfriend who were 23

I know it sounds bad, and now I know

But I wasn't so mature back then, I was a kid..

It is the role of an adult to control himself and not corrupt a child with his selfish and evil intentions.

I've said it before, but I don't think it's "bad" to have the mind of a rap1st or a pdfile, unfortunately we don't choose what our brain thinks. If your mind loves children when you are an adult, it is more of a suffering, you would be happier if you never loved them. But you must CONTROL yourself. We are humans, our intelligence allows us to separate ourselves from our desires to obtain what we call freedom. Set rules for yourself, autonomy is a fundamental principle of our superiority as humans.

Anyway, if we forget the moral issue of the age difference, our life are just too different.

I draw and start learning my first ever skills and he works to live and buy a house

Facing these problems at 11 is so bad.

A lot of people can relate to this I guess, it's not unique

But the problems came from their parents, not their boyfriend

I was with him because as a child I needed attention and affection, and probably a father figure that I didn't have. If we forget the disastrous last month of the relationship, I think it had more of a positive than negative impact on me. But it's just luck... And the ending was ... I don't know how to describe it, if we do a good/bad ratio afterwards, it's like 1/200

I don't know if I lost the ability to feel emotions naturally because of my past, or just because of a natutal mental issue

I'd like it to be a mental issue

I can't believe that I wasn't strong enough to bear it

I would've been so mentally strong if I never needed diary and had normal feelings

Imagine me being normal with the physique I have

It's a f-ing dream life

No it can't be that

At 11 or 12 I was diagnosed with HEP (high emotional potential), which means that I am hypersensitive

And yeah I remember just how much it hurts

I'm still hypersensitive, but since I force myself to feel emotions in the first place, it's less painful

I mean it's the same pain

But mentally, I'm happy to know I still can be hurted emotionnally

It's contradictory, I say "I can't feel emotions", and I cry many days per month for stupid reasons

I don't think anyone can understand this

Or differently

Being happy of suffering emotionnally

Maybe the people who think "If you feel pain, you're alive"

To an extreme

[earnest pivot]

Overall as an adult he had a lot to teach me (like a normal father would've done..)

I hate people who don't take care of their kid

You decided to have a kid so do your best to make him a good person

And if you didn't decided anything, kill it before he develops a conscience, why do you leave an intelligent being alone in this cruel world

I cannot answer the question of "not being born"

Since "soul" is not a thing

Nah I don't even know where to start, I won't talk about this it's too hard

[earnest pivot]

I think if he just liked me like his own kid or a friend it'll could've been a healthy relationship

I have friends who're wayy older and it's not a problem

It ended because he repeatedly asked me things I didn't want to do and I told my brother. Lmao it's a rough summary for what actually happened, but I don't want to write in detail

This is one of dozens of similar things I've experienced

Obviously there's the story I wrote about here in my FoL 1

What happened in the past doesn't really matter

I'm more bothered by the present

It's like 1 ppl following me (or at least staring at me for 5 mins) each time I'm outside

So I have to stay on guard in case something happens

Because yes, something already happened

Most of the time I can be asked my snap, so I just say no sorry

And if they're adults I say that I'm 15 so they (should) leave me alone

Maybe I should hit them

Just so they never annoy anyone else

They did nothing wrong individually

They don't know that everyone is doing the same as them

The accumulation of all these people who did nothing wrong is trully annoying

I mean, I would do the same

If I saw someone looking like me

Like S

I talked with her for her apparence in the first place

If she was ugly I wouldn't have talked to her, and I wouldve missed a lot

Beauty helps to meet someone in the first place

If you're ugly but super interesting it'll he harder to find someone who wants to know more about you

But when they do your appearance doesn't matter anymore

So yeah beauty is useful

So you can't say that appearance doesn't matter in the first place.

Oh, I missed school again btw

It's so bad....

53 hours of missed class in the last 6 weeks

The 6 weeks include the 2 weeks of vacation...

So in a singular month

Oh yeah I was supposed to eat something

I wondered why I was in my living room 😭

I just came here to eat and spent an hour writing

Cya diary.

[jaunty parrot]

Why u miss school? R u in the US?

[earnest pivot]

I'm in France

--

Overall I didn't go to school at all

Each time I looked at the time it was too late to go

I'm ...

I can't do that...

[earnest pivot]

I wish my life was funnier

I'll just disable my brain and get good grades

Doing my best to stay mentally okay is tiring

And I need a goal

So I'll just work and play piano for the next 6 months

No need to think

Why do I bother even trying.

Goodnight diary.

[earnest pivot]

I'm so lost in math class

Like, I tried

I swear I did

Fck off I'm lying

I didn't even do my math homework for tomorrow

Whyyy

PLEASE

DO YOUR HOMEWORK

I think it doesn't work like that..

I can yell at myself, it won't do anything

I have to do it.

Ok I'm doing it

I have exo n°95 to do, I'M DOING IT.

where the fuck is exo n° 95

We don't have any math book

It's a bad digital one

Where everything is put in categories and subcategories, ect. But I don't even know the name of the chapter we're working on rn

[jaunty parrot]

U ok?

[jaunty parrot]

Why

What u need help w

[earnest pivot]

I'm okay , thanks

[earnest pivot]

I don't need any help, I just need to start studying

[jaunty parrot]

Ok so why dont u start?

[earnest pivot]

And the best way to do that is of course not to cry about it in this diary... what do I do...

[earnest pivot]

Aaaah that's a super good question

--

Once I'm dead, my level at school won't matter

And I don't fear death

So I'm not worried about grades?

What a sophism.

No actually the logical aspect of it is good

It's not a sophism

But the premises of this logical deduction are not true

not exactly true

Not being afraid of death does not mean not being afraid of life.

Life is beautiful and terrifying at the same time.

I'm in such a hurry to die, but I need to live my life

ah, if only I could go to the future, once I've done everything I wanted, and die.

I don't have a strong opinion on this

I'm not sure about this way of thinking

It can change

I'm not in love with anyone, maybe when I'll do, I'll be happy to live in the present ?

Most people live in the past and forget the present. But I live for the future.

Again this is not true, if I lived for the future I would do my homework when I'm as lost as I am rn in math class lol

I think my mind is going crazy these days

Maybe because I'm back to my mom's house, away from my brother, and I'm heavily dependent on him.

Like rly

I feel so bad

It's as if life lost its shade of color.

It's not ugly

It's just not pretty, and really quite bland.

I don't need anyone's affection but him

Do I look cold from the other's perspective ?

A cold emotionless girl, at least it must be what some people think

They don't know that childish side of me that needs the affection of his big brother to live. So trivial

So trivial

Humans are so trivial

Annoying

Am I really so different from others? I'm trivial too

I perceive them all as enslaved beings, chained by their desires and the intrinsic behaviors that define their humanity.

Am I so different from them ?

My arrogance and indifference could never hide from anyone my triviality, similar to that of other humans. Sadly.

It's just a different form of triviality.

I'm chained by my desire of being normal

If I let go of myself, I would no longer feel emotions and would be completely excluded from this group we call humans. Can we still call a total sociopath a human?

The only emotion I'm certain to feel is my fear of losing my humanity

The time I am able to feel this fear, I'm still a normal human.

I'd like to have normal problems

Being simple enough to have to deal with suicidal thoughts

But I'm a step above this

The true me, is far too detached from life.

Oh it's already 00:00

[jaunty parrot]

Why :((

U need someone to talk to?

[earnest pivot]

No

My mom heard me talking about AoT with my sister and bought me this

If she asked me I would've asked for Arcane one's

But that's really cool

AoT is now my favorite anime anyway (I watch it and gave my opinion on it here a few weeks ago)

If we forget about Arcane

Oh and, after so much time I can say that AoT is not better than Arcane for me.

I wasn't sure which one I prefer, but yeah I'm just listening to Arcane's song all day and watching theories on it

Everything is better in Arcane. Except char development maybe, both insanely well made but AoT has 80 more episodes lol

And for the story too I'm not sure

Without the s4 of AoT, Arcane has a 1000% better story

But complete SnK and Arcane story are both incredible, so I'm not sure.

Both are about war, peace, crualty

Yeah it's pretty similar what

Except Eren end up as a massive murder with 1.6B kill,
And Jinx end up as a hero

Ok stop talking about anime it's boring

Oh last sentence, I'm watching Seven Deadly Sins, I watch like 3 episodes every week when I think about it, I'm S3ep14/16/17?

Done

--

Oh, I have school at 9am tomorrow

Yess I can sleep

Mhh what to talk about

I'm learning enemy on piano

(oh we can't send links here I forgot)

Also I started reading sheet music

I'm lying..

My piano eacher asked me to

I started piano class this year, my piano level is high but I can't get better because I can't read the music easily

And it's SO BORING

To read sheet music

Damn I can send 50Mo videos without nitro now ?

That's cool

I have nitro on my main account but not this one

Yes I have a main discord account

But I don't use it

Someone offered me a 2 year nitro for no reason

It's the cheap nitro but it's cool, I can put emojis

Though, I would never spend money for emojis 💀 at least before I gain my own money

[earnest pivot]

Look at this

I learned the first 40s today

It's so easy actually compared to everything I usually learn to play

BUT what is that at 38s??? Octave/double glissando? WHAT

My hand hurts so so so so much from trying

I can't do that on my electrical piano, the keyboard is not made for thzt 😭

I'll ask my piano teacher about this

Maybe he knows how to octave glissando without pain

It was hard for me to learn the normal glissando in the first place

It's something easy but.. I just didn't had the right technique

Since I learned piano myself

--

I have a lot to say about my clan and ninjutsu

Can I really talk about anime, then piano, then ninjutsu?

So much different topic

My gakusei (the member I have to train), won the ranking tournment

He's not rank 1 ofc, it doesn't work like that

Doing 1 good tournment doesn't matter

It's like a ranking system in video games

There's points for each victory, and the finals is more point

Points also allow us to choose our equipment for fights, but I already talked about this when I explained his original weapon choice

Oh and when I told him about all the mistakes he did in the finals, like a normal sensei is supposed to do, he got mad and pushed me

So I put him against one of my best non-official student, a member of my team (my team {sub-clan} in my clan)
And told them to fight until they can't move anymore, no surrender

Sry for the complex vocabulary, I still haven't made a dictionnary for this diary

I told him that if he can beat him, he was allowed to not train anymore

He lost, not even close

I mean, it was a draw, since my student was told to not hit him too hard and just fight until he can't move anymore

My gakusei died on the floor first 💀

I have not much else to say, I failed the 3rd level crossing to become an elite

It doesn't matter I'll try again

Now I have more points.

Since I won the high level ranking tournment as always

I didn't use any point and will use all of them in the 4rd levrl crossing, with a little bit of luck I'll succeed this time

Mhh it's all for my clan

There's more about the succession but it's not interesting

There are large groups forming for and against my reinstatement into the clan dynasty so that I can be its future leader

But I don't want

"dynasty" sounds cool so I used this word

And it's because I'm blood related to the leader branch so yeah it's the good word nvm

--

I see less S

Oh, I tried to get physically closer to her

When we talk for example

She steps back slowly each time

Maybe she doesn't like proximity

Nothing surprising

Knowing her personality

I have so much weird thoughts

Like kidnapping her

I'm not so possessive

I had a sports class with her during an interclass badminton tournament

She's really good

I know that because I was more focused on her than my opponent

So I wasn't top1 at the end of it

Ok, I usually don't even look at this, but S's body is so perfect, her height, her hair, her eyes, her face in general, her curves, her

Her her idk

She also moves elegantly

When she plays badminton it feels like she is dancing

She was top3 of the interclass

I just want to touch her hair

Can I do that ?

Like, I go next to her

Touch her hair

And say "sorry I wanted to touch it, it looked so soft"

What would she do

I want to know

"Oh it's fine you can !"

Or find me weird and end our friendship?

No

She's close to me now, she's doing her best to see me when she can

You know what I'll try

Can I take her hand too??

Naaah

We're not this close

Why doesn't she likes physical contact

Maybe I should really kidnap her

She wouldn't be able to refuse anything

But it's boring

I prefer it when it's difficult

Life on hard mode

It's been a while I haven't written a PhV on this diary

I have in others

What should I do..? In general, I write them when an argumentable subject on which I've made a fixed opinion comes to my mind.

Like immortality and death (2 of the ones here on this diary)

i have like 100 of them just in my diary 2 lol

And way way more in my diary 1

Nah I don't feel like explaining again what's diary 1/2/3, I really need to make a vocabulary page so I place it at the beginning of the diary.

I don't have one on transgenders I think

But my opinion is already rly fixed on this, and it annoys me just to think about it

I can summarize: it's an aberration, but I think they can do whatever they want as long as they don't indoctrinate children and remain a silent minority.

Pretty solid summary here

Lgbt in general is stupid

I'm a girl, and I might like girls too, but I know I won't end up spending my life with a girl. It's just because I'm young, and no matter the relationship I have, it won't last. Most relationships at this age aren't serious

I saw this gay male couple who paid women in another country to have children for them, just so they could both have biological children.

It's so

Aberrant

They shouldn't have children in the first place, you decided to defy human nature and get with someone of the same gender, so you accepted that you couldn't have children.
+Now you will teach your children how good LGBT people are and they will also have children and do the same. You're a fucking parasite.

-- At least it's my opinion

Oh and there's the non-binary

Haha what a joke

Anyway

I'm not really homophobic or transphobic; I just want their preferences to remain personal and for them not to spread their ideas to innocent and naive children.

I'm non-binaryphobic maybe

Cuz wtf

Maybe some people want to become a male or female, it's weird all the reasons I explained, but ok.
But define yourself as nothing ? Or an animal ? So why not a helicopter ? Table ? Pen ?

Hmans are male or female, if you're not any of that you're not even human ...

Imagine Socrate or Kant hearing about this

Hahaha they would go crazy

Maybe not crazy though, these philosophers of reason are probably wise.

I don't get how people can really believe in their absurd belief so hard

It's like religion

If they tried to really think about it, like I do with everything in this world, they will stop believing

No

Not true

My brain is just different

If they tried their best to think about it they won't be able to even understand how wrong they are

Like an ant can't imagine the complexity of the world, a dumb human can't understand the falsity of his beliefs

And can't notice the incoherences even with proofs

Take flat-earther for example.

It's (most of) religious people in worst.

I say this, but I'd like to have naive belifs like everyone and be happy with it

When your mind is so.. i don't find the adjective, it's just hell.

And you realize how worthless you are

Until you go even further into craziness and reasoning, and realize how worthful you are.

But the transition between the 2 is hard

And painful

Nothing has a meaning

Anyway not much people suffered from this

Not at my age at least

Existential crises can hit hard, but I'm an extreme example. My life can be defined by existential crisis. I'm constantly thinking about everything in deep, non-stop.

Is it a IQ issue ?

I don't think so

A lot of high IQ people don't have my problems

And IQ is really theorical.. it's just how logic, effective and fast is your brain

I gtg sleep

I'd like to have a clone of myself to talk with it

This idea came first to my mind for my appearance lol

I want to see what I look like from someone else eyes

Not a good idea, I don't want to be in love with myself
At least my appearance
How can you love the person I am

At least I can't

I love myself for what I accomplish, but my me is

Ok

I'm too tired

[earnest pivot]

My sentences are incomprehensible

And I don't even know what I wanted to say

Time to sleep frfr

My english's dying

I could finish in french but why write in french in this full english diary

I can do that on every other diary I have.

I go now

I still like this name for my future kid, Ophelia, I found in a dream.

(random thought I know)

I'll name her Ophelia

And if it's a boy I'll tell her it's a girl

(roleplaying as a lgbt indoctrinator)

--
Goodnight diary.

[sharp heron]

AoT fan?

[earnest pivot]

Yeahh :)

[sharp heron]

Me too!

[earnest pivot]

This show deserve love, it's really beautiful and deep, so I'm happy to know you like it

[sharp heron]

It does. I have AoT collection and the funko pops of it

[earnest pivot]

Hello diary.
I'm going to a nightclub rn

It's 18+ but my friend know the vigil

I hate so much
So so much these places.

But for his birthday I'll make an effort

It's still 1h37 away !!

I'm definitly not driving back with them

They'll be drunk

I'm in the car

We're 4 in the car

Oh btw I didn't tell anyone

Thzt's bad

I'll message my brother rn

it's selfish

And this is not even for me

I do not care about nightclubs, it'll be annoying and I'll have to act extravert

And I'll be the only kid there

I don't want to deal with perverted adults behavior today, but it's too late to think about it.

[earnest pivot]

It's not rly true

I asked my mom if I could go out to a party for this friend birthday, and she said yes since I'm super close to him.

Never told her it's a few hours away nightclub

I trust my brother to drive me back home

He'll never leave me there because I didn't tell him right ?

He could...

No

I mean, if it was me I would

"Oh so you decided to go in a risky place without even telling me ? So you can get home by yourself."

I'm going to Paris

Btw I didn't give my location here, I'm right now 1h37 away from Paris, but I didn't say we just started driving.

just for the lore in case my messages are used against me in a court case one day

I love my multitasking skill

I can talk with them and write my completly different thought at the same time

I think everyone should learn this, in a certain mesure

It's like having 2 brains

Ofc I'm less focused on what I'm doing when I multitask

Sometimes I get asked why I always write on my phone or on a book. Like, always.

And I still don't know what should be my general answer

I often say "I'm addicted to writing" as a joke

But it's not a joke

Nice the diary hit 6666 messages

I like repeated digit numbers.

Next to me there's a friend of mine and this friend

At the front there's a friend of this friend driving, and this friend next to him

I'm on the right side of the car

|Friend2 - This friend|
|Friend1 - Me|

Like that

Friend2 is 23, this friend is 18, Friend1 is 15

So I'm not the only kid

There's someone my age

But look at this child, he's nowhere close to my maturity

I can't just have fun and dance with a kid

So idk what I'll do there

Probably dance with adults, but I know my brother will hate me for this

I look really introvert when writing, but I can be extravert too.

I just need to do more effort

So it's exhausting on a long period

I can also have fun

I can feel joy if I force and ecstasy myself a bit

But in this state it's harder to control myself, it's like drinking You drink because you choose to, but once you get too drunk your rationality is reduced

I'm scared of doing stupid things

Last time I went to a party and stopped thinking to actually enjoy the party (becoming extroverted) I danced with someone and he kissed me, so I cried and my brother had to take me home... What a childish reaction.

I'm hypersensitive and it'll never change.

I don't hate him for doing this

I know it sounds weird

But I can't be mad at someone because they have a physical attraction to me
Even if they act against my consent.

For a kiss at least

I just feel pity for them

Slaves of their desire, they have not taken the true step of freedom, of autonomy.

I developed this opinion after the chapter of freedom in philosophy class

I had to think a lot about it

But why would I hate people who can't even free themselves from their animal desires? What makes us truly human is our ability to choose and resist primal urges.

So I'm more human than them

And with all the mental breakdowns I've had in this diary, it's obvious that I care about being considered human.

Is it a bad feeling ? To feel above everyone

Not about the skills or personality, physic or knowledges

Just by the way I see life.

We are equal in the sense that we will all end up in ashes. But I know it and I am looking for the only thing that really matters, a step back on life.

Ok this is really vague

And I don't feel like writing so much about this in the car

Even if I'm not really looking at the screen, I am a bit car sick

When I'm at the back of a car at least

I'm fine at the front.

I'd like to be normal

How much times did I say this

Way too much.

Look at them, laughing over trivial things and never thinking about the value of freedom, the absurdity of intrinsic human nature, or the weight of their own existence.

I envy them

And it's something I really can't change, since this is how my brain works

I can't just stop thinking about insignifiant we are

Once you realize, you can't undo it

It's deeper than this tho, we're not really "insignifiant", but I already talked about that right.

--
We're there in 20mins

Writing and talking with them at the same time is killing my brain rn since I'm carsick.

My stomach I mean

Both

I feel bad

Maybe I should try alcohol?

It'll have absolutly no effect on me

I know because I've drank by accident before

The only thing that can affect my rationality is a lack of meditation and/or writing in a diary.

Or huge dose of drug lol, I'm still human

Wait no actually, I don't know

I don't think my personality really affects my brain this much

I mean, it does, my brain = my personality, like everyone else

It's hard to explain

I feel like even if you drugged me a lot, I will never go against my values because it's not something I force myself to be, it's truly anchored in me. I suffer from these values unintentionally, even when I wish with all my soul to be normal.

For example, I created a secret language with codes. I have one in case I travel to the past (lmao, it’ll probably never happen, but you never know) and need to convince my past self that I’m me from the future.

If you drugged me and tried to force me to tell it I probably won't

I need to trh

Try

Yes I will try

Because it’s something I’ll intentionally not tell, so if you remove my rationality, I could end up saying it, right? Is my brain really that weak?

Aaah the cars honking, I'm obviously in Paris.

Paris is so bad

So bad that France get associated with the Paris population

Everyone is mad, selfish and mean there

You should never except something from a parisian

Not even a direction, they can lie just to be free from your questions.

[earnest pivot]

Hahaha the friend1 asked me if we could dance together at the thing

I feel insulted

It's nothing this deep

But

The way he asked me

"let's dance together since we're both 15"

Like

Why should I dance with you only because you're my age

You act like a 12yo kid

No, actually you act your age

I just don't

Sorry for this

It's what I'm writing here, while telling him that we'll dance together

" but just a bit because I want to dance with others."

Aah the ability to write and speak at the same time is actually amazing I repeat

I don't know how I would've survived if I had to do one at a time

With my supra addictkon to writing

When I started writing on this diary I was translating my sentences from french in english in my head

But now I just think in english

It's really hard to talk in french while writing in english though

After writing here for 6h this day, I started talking in english to my brother by accident 😭

When I write in any language but french, my inner voice is really "talking"

Fkeiz I don't want to explain this, use your brain and understand the sentence.

I'm so tired

And I'll only get back home in like 6h

My brother answered me btw

He's

Mad.

No detail but

I want to cry just reading what he wrote

It's not the moment

So I'll cry later

No feeling activated

Alr I'll be back later, we're almost at the nightclub and I have to see with my friends how I'll get in tbere

There

Two rules to myself tonight:

• Act normal, have fun, but never drink.
• Don’t kiss anyone. If you do, never, ever go further. Even if it seems fun at the moment, you'll regret it, and it’s illegal for anyone involved. You’re not even supposed to be there at your age.
• You must respect rule 2, rule 1 can be broken.
• You can never break rule 3
• You can break rule 4 if you're in danger.

It looks confusing but

I'll explain it later, it's a rule system I've called "4p1dR" (4 platinium 1 diamond rule)
Yeah with this and the time travel code I made I don't look so mature lmao
But it's a actually good system, It took a lot of weeks to make.

We're arrived, cya diary.

[earnest pivot]

Oh it's a casino too

I have no money

[earnest pivot]

Never again

I go to a casino

Never never never

My friend gave me 2500€ to play

I was mad at him for wasting so much money on games, but I still played it instead of keeping it since he gave it to me just to play

Everything is gone

My piano price

In 2h

I'm also never going to a nightclub agin

I asked my brother to come take me rn and he said that he was already driving to get me, and he was very angry

I don't care of money, it's just material but

Wasting it like that

I can't

I feel so bad it's

It's just money -2500€ is absurd

It's not like I'm working and have a $8k salary

Why do people waste money on this

I saw a woman playing with €49,800

What?! It's half a house price

Before inflation

I could've bought a violon with these €2500

Or a guitar

Or just €100 in a japanese course

Or ANY other skill

I wouldve made this money worth it

But my friend forced me to lose his money.

It's not even my money i shouldnt be mad

I showed gratitude and apologized for losing but I'm mad.

Oh and it's not only that

If we forget the casino

At the nightclub I went to dance with the friend of my age

I have no idea how to dance tbf

But I just have to do random things it looks great

Beauty privilege

He's boring so I moved elsewhere and got in a weird place where people dance close to each other

Well I just got lost it's too big

I mean, not lost but I didn't find my friends anymore

They moved

I went to the bar and asked for the least alcoholic drink but they asked for my ID so I asked an apple juice

Then a man came to talk to me but I said I was 15 and he left me alone

I respect these people

It's my bad, I'm wearing a "dress"

Not really one, but I can't say it isn't

I agree with people who think women shouldn't wear whatever they want if they don't want men to 'harass' them.

If you're wearing a provocative outfit, then you're ready for mans to talk to you.

Same for me

I wear this only because I like it but I accepted that I might have to deal with dogs

Luckily I really look under 18, it's obvious, so people leave me alone most of the time.

My brother texted me he would be there in 30mins

I have 2% battery in my phone and I don't feel like stop writing

So I'll just tell him where I am and wait him.

And write until my phone dies

So, I broke plat1 rule

Also someone tried to kiss me
I don't get it

Why so much things happen to me

In only 2h so much things happened

Even in shows it happens in 2 seasons.

1% bruh

I don't have an iphone so why

My battery is really bad recently

[earnest pivot]

I hit him

In the liver

Is it bad ?

I think if you kiss someone without consent you should be prepared to be hurted

I might look cute and innocent but a punch in the liver hurt, no matter the age or physic of the person who hit you'

I saw this sentence "a gun doesn't care who pulls the trigger"

Almost the same for a punch in the liver

Oh so he fell on the ground and I escaped

It was the only funny thing I did tonight

Yeah it's fun to hit someone and run

But you need a reason to hit.

Before leaving I tried to find my friends

They were nowhere to be found, so I'm here now, outside, -4°C.

With 0.33% battery.

I hate thiS life

I hâte my life

I hate life

But it's so cool at the same time

My brain can't think anymore

I need meditaton

It's overheating

Overheating what it's so cold rn

Yeah I just write in autopilot

I wonder what a normal person feel everyday

From reading some diaries here I saw that it's not so different

One wants to suicide

One just write about her life and interact with others

And the other diaries are not signifiant enough to be mentioned

I'm missing 1 or 2 but

Y

[earnest pivot]

That's K

[earnest pivot]

My phone died

[earnest pivot]

My brother didn't even talk to me on the way back to home

It was awkward this morning

He didn't say hi to me

I didn't think he would be so mad

I did nothing that bad

I'm responsible, so he should know that it's safe for me to go out in such places.

I don't know what to do now

I tried to take his hand yesterday when we were walking but he sighed

I can't stand rejection from him

[earnest pivot]

Hello diary,
It's been a week

Or 6 - days.. It's the same right.

I prefer when my life is like a movie

But recently it's been monotonous

So I don't want anyone on this public diary to read my completely normal and boring life.

Not like I care about anyone

I'm doing well right now

I'm mentally stable

And write less in diaries

Around.. 2h per day

so 2/5 of my usual writing time.

Even though I don't understand anything in math class anymore, I'm completely, COMPLETELY lost.

I'm better at school when I'm crazy

I'm scared for my future now

I won't have a good school at this rate

So I'll have a bad job

And I had to work a lot of time for little money.

I need money to learn skills, and I need good grades to earn money. But to have more time for good grades and earning money, I have to learn fewer skills.
What a terrible loop.

How can I become a better human being when I am hindered by this social construct we call "work"?

I don't really care about others

I care about the people I know

So anyone can become valuable to me, anyone. But if I don't know them, they doesn't exist.

I've seen this dilemma : "would you kill X amount of people to save X persons of your family" ?

But the answer isn't so simple

Each human is unique so it's bad to lose one, I've already talked about that .. (I didn't find where)

If I had to give a short answer: To save someone I care about, the number of deaths must be low enough to avoid a significant impact on human societies.
For example, if I had to kill 1,000 people to save my mom—assuming they aren't "important" to society (not presidents, engineers, etc.) and are spread worldwide (so not a genocide), I would probably do it.

It's a controversial opinion because some will say, "Oh, so you'd kill 1,000 people just to save one, even if it's your mom! What a monster!"
Yeah, true. objectively, my mom has the same value as any individual. But I'm human, and guess what? We are selfish creatures.

Oh ofc if it was for my brother the amount of death doesn't matter anymore

But in this case I prefer killing myself, so it's a single death

"7B deaths or your brother?"
I don't care if my brother dies, I just don't want to be alive when he'll be dead

so I'd kill myself first, and save humanity at the same time, yupi

I don't know if anyone is like me on earth

I'd like to talk with someone like me

Who thinks the same way at least

Actually, my opinion is just dumb, it's on imaginary scenarios. It'll never happen, and I'm not even sure to make the same decision if it happened

--
It feels so great to be normal rn

My thoughts and opinions may be as eccentric as before, but I feel good.

2d ago I went out with this guy who wanted to date me and we are now friends

We go out to the park from time to time to train

I help him with his techniques and he helps me with my versatility.
He knows many fighting styles, although he's mid in all of them, so it helps me be prepared for any type of opponent in ninjutsu

Anyway, that's our normal relationship, but 2d ago we went out just to talk and walk

It's been soo long I didn't do that with a friend

It feels so good

I looked like any other teenager

not worrying about existential topics

and enjoying present life

I wish it was always like this

And, this may seem normal, but he didn't try to hug me or kiss me, or any unnecessary physical contact.

It's

Nah you don't realize

how often

Strangers, friends, everyone

At least guys, always try to make physical contact with me.

I guess any pretty woman can relate to that tho

But I'm probably more pretty no offense

I might not be mentally stable

Oh and beauty is not subjective

But that's a topic everyone must have seen in philo class

Brb, I have to help my brother with something

cya diary

[narrow delta]

Alive ?

[earnest pivot]

If I don't write it means I'm fine.

Avoid writing here if I'm not writing, reminders to write in a diary force me to write for hours.

[earnest pivot]

but thanks for asking

--

The reason why I'm not writing a lot, is because I just lost interest in writing in english

sometimes it's cool

but most of the time I'm just slower at writing in a foreign language

I express myself so much better in french, and to feel good I have to describe things well

I've gotten a lot, a lottt better in english since I started this diary, so I'm happy

Oh btw I got a new pc

I built it myself

it took 8 HOURS

I didn't except it to take so long

I thought it would take me 1/2h

this pc is soo fast

1600€ so hopefully it is

I often say that I have no money but it's because was saving for this

Now I really don't have any money lol

I couldn't even buy a screen to go with, so I use a poor one

my config is :

I think it's pretty solid

like really

for this price

cpu is a 9600X

Btw it's vacation for me

oh... tomorrow since I have class on saturday

Idk what game to do, what test to do with my new pc

it's too powerful i'm not used to that

my last pc was... hum

I've never had a good pc, it was barely surviving small games

Oh! I can run games like Escape From Tarkov or Rust easily now

wow.. it's amazing

I don't play a lot of videogames but it might change now*

just because I want to try it lol

I also have a new keyboard and it's harddd

he's smaller than the one of my previous laptop

it's really good but i'm not used to it

for those who know league of legends, I played today and I flashed like 4/5 times by accident in ranked

Then we lost since they were too busy flaming me

I'll do some days of wpm test to get back my fast writing abiliity

Also since the keyboard is so small I should learn to type with my 10 fingers

It'll help me a lot

I'll try to get back to 160wpm