Fragments of my Life [Diary] | The Therapy Center | Page 6

earnest pivot Dec 31, 2024, 8:00 PM

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But I don't

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I don't know

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It feels like any other day

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I'll just stay in my bed and read a book

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Like any other day

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It's weird

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I can't say the typical "I feel lonely"

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Because I don't

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I'd just like to

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To have something meaningful in my life

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I abhor love

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I don't need 'someone' important

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I need a cause, something I could die for, something worthy of my true passion and dedication.

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It's hard to find in our society... Right ?

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I feel I need alienated in this society.

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I'd like to be born 500y ago

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I can engage in philosophical reflections on any topic and discuss questions about morality and life, but in the end, I'm just trying to distract myself from the hardest thing I have to face: the reality that I'm deeply frustrated with this life.

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If only

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If only I was born earlier, or later

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These are just excuses, I know. I would have said the same if I were born in a different time. That’s the reality of the present.

We wish we were born in the past or the future, but people from those times probably think the same. And if I didn’t know who I am today, if I weren’t born as I am now, I’d probably still wish to be born in the time I’m living in now.

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it's frustrating

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Kuyashii

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I still have to live and enjoy being alive

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This is the most frustrating point.

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At the same time, I think that I'm an aberration

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When I think about fantasy stories and think "Oh, I'd like to be this character"

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Even if I actually could be part of these worlds

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I'm such a bad human

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My mind is corrupted

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I don't want like write a lot on this because I'll go too far from the original topic, so trust me

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The worst about that, is that.. I don't want to change.

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If I could change and delete these dark, really dark sides of myself, it would be so cool yeah

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I could be a normal character of a story. Someone you can love even if you knew all of its hidden thoughts.

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But it wouldn't be me anymore.

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I'm afraid of only one thing, just one: losing myself. Not being truly me, not fully aware of who I am.

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That's why I fear my capacity of repressing my emotions

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That's why I fear manipulation

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What if someone could change my mind, and make me hate person I liked, liked people I hate. It's a terrifying to me.

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The best example would be Vander/Warwick from Arcane

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It has the most brutal story, from a loving father to a beast killing his daughters he loved so much.

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--
For these reasons I can't have such wishes.

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My soul, my essence, feels corrupted. Even though I manage to be a good person by controlling these dark impulses, I hate myself for having a soul like this.

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Soul and essence are a metaphor, I don't believe in such things.

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I hate myself, yet I can't help but find myself beautiful. This self-awareness I have is so amazing.

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I’m not talking about my physical self, but my mind—my inner self.

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I love myself. I hate myself.
Isn't that close to the lyric from Ma Meilleure Ennemie, part of Arcane's OST?
Arcane is so incredible that I can find references and examples to explain my life in every part of it. It's such a perfect show for representing human emotions.

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Yeah, for representing human emotions. I'm just human.

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I always say that I'm inhuman

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But I'm just human.

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With human problems and thoughts

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So why can't I be "normal".

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I'd like to be normal

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Like almost everyone in this world

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But no

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I'm different. Way way too different

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It's a curse at this point

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Some people a different, but it's a curse when it's so important.

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I'm far from being the most alienated person on earth

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But still.

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Should I be happy that there's worst than me? I don't care of others.

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If I had to be different, at least let me get away with my human thoughts and problems

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Let me be completly inhuman

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Or give me back my humanity

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Why do I have to suffer from this

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It's something that can't even change

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If there's an afterlife, I won't change

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I'll still be this corrupted

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And if I don't then it's not me anymore, if my mind get changed, I won't be me anymore'

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So in the end, I'll never change.

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That's why I hope death is a true end.

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I don't want to suffer anymore

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In any other life, if I'm still me, I'll be this corrupted.

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My existence is a curse.

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I'll live my life

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Endure these 1 secondes to 100 years that is my lifetime.

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And hope that I'll never be able to even think anymore.

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I'd like to live more

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But I can't. I

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I shouldn't exist.

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I can't dream of having another life.

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I just can dream to find a cause, something I could die for. So we go back to my original point.

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--
When I see people according importance to what I find trivial, it makes me mad

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It's jealousy

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I'd also like to have these problems as "main problem" in my head

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So I act like it is

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When I know that it doesn't matter.

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This diary is full of me trying, doing my best, to be like any other human.

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But it's hard, so sometimes, like right now, I can't.

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"I miss you" *proceeds to go offline immediately after I answer her, just a second after her message.*
Why can't I have these problems too

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Ngl this made me laugh, because I'm this type of person

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Since I force myself to "experience" feelings, sometimes I'll send a message like that, but then I get bored of those feelings and move on.

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Anyway

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"Anyway" no. I have nothing to add

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What will be my next sentence ? I repeat myself. It'll be "I wish I could be normal"

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But it's true man...

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What if I was normal

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I could wish to be a hero of fantasy story.

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These are metaphors

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Just to say that I could have normal wishes.

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I can't have normal wishes since my principal wish IS to be normal.

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It's sad right

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I can't do anything but write it

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Write it

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Write it again

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And one more time

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Maybe 100 more times

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And again

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Again, all days

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Until my existence ends.

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"I'd like to be normal" "I'd like to be human"

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I can write it

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Write it.

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That's all I can do

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It's so fucking frustrating.

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If I could change it by learning

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Working on myself

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Doing ANYTHING

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I would do it'

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But I can't

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I'm just like that, it's way way too deep

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And my perspective on life is way too advanced and detached, I can't be helped by anyone

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Maybe a god could help me, something a lot more detached of life.

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But even if there's one I can talk to, it won't be until I die

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And I probably won't understand him

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Like normal humans can't understand me

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My existence is a tragedy of fatalism.

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But is destiny even a thing ?

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If it is, my existence should have its importance, am I really a random character of the story that's life?

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I'm way too different

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I suffer from being this different

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If destiny is a thing, then I must have a role?

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Is it for later ? I can't know.

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It's frustrating.

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If there's no plan for me I don't care. I'd just like to know, so I can stop having hope.

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If you could tell me "No, your existence has no goal, you're just different because you are." I could live better

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But there's always this doubt

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Why am I so different if it's for no reason ?

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I'd like to be normal too.

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It's not even my fault if I'm not

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I did not choose to be born

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Or to be the person I am.

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I think I wish I hadn't been born

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But now it's too late

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"wish wish wish wish" that's all I can write.

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I can't change anything

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Why why why

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I want to do something about it

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Here I'm just writing, but every other second, when I'm not just complaining, I'm trying

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I'm not just trying my best, I'm doing my best.

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But it's too deep ! I just can't change.

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Kuyashii, hontoni, there's no way to change me. C'est tellement putain de frustrant. Fukanodesu.

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No matter the language used

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The tone of my voice

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The pen I use to write it

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The efforts I make

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I can't change what I truly am.

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--
Oh yeah this is new year. It's a bit too sad like last messages for 2024.

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This year wasn't "so" bad

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Nothing ultra important happened

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There's only 1 FoL this year, and it's related to a good event, to my brother, so it's not bad.

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If we compare this year to other...

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Well there's no r*pe, no torture, no killing

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So it's pretty good

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I was close to death less than other years

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If we forget about ninjutsu finals for the Champion title

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I included killing, because I didn't have to kill anyone and I find it really nice.

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I'm not saying that I ever killed something tho

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But I'm not saying I did not. This information not belongs to this diary anyway

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|- I don't value my existence this much, but other people might value their existence, so I think that avoiding killing people is nice.

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Yeah it's not some trivial explainations like any other person would say. "It's bad to kill people!!". Nop, idc of that. I just prefer not killing people because they might value their life.

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Mhh I think that's all for 2024

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The most important event of this year for me is Arcane season 2,
As I said I'm really attached to this show, it's one of the rare things I truly value without having to force myself.

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So yeah a serie is the most important even of this year

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That's sad, I made a lot of efforts to be normal and yet, I come to this conclusion

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Well, no, it's not like it's the biggest problem in my abnormality, lol.

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My resolutions for 2025?

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I can never hold to them

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I can make general ones.

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Learn more japanese, at least to a beginner level.
Learn more Arcane's OST on piano.
Learn more skills

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And that's all

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I'm not sure I won't die

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So I don't need to make a full list

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If I die I'd like to be reincarnated with the ability to control my mind even better

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I could maybe change myself, just a little bit, so I can still be myself, but I could become normal, like I want to.

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If I die, I would like my body to be cremated

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I will curse anyone who buries me.

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If I was normal my life would be so cool

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I'm pretty and skilled

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I have everything for me, but of course I had to have a corrupted mind

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Lol imagine being a perfect human

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Ofc it's impossible

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Actually, maybe I'm perfect ?

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What I call "corruption" is all my strange sides. Let me give an absurd example, though it's common and harmful. If there's someone I love, I sometimes find myself wanting to see them submit to me—tie them up and make them cry, just to comfort them afterward. Yes, it's manipulative, and I'd never actually do it; in fact, it disgusts me a little. But my mind sometimes drifts into these scenarios and oddly enjoys them.

These absurd thoughts come from my mind being too detached from reality. It’s a bit too focused on the human aspect, so let’s expand the idea. When I say I could kill, that I’m not normal, that I can't value normal "trivial" things, maybe it's because my mind is more "evolved." Actually, yes, it probably is—I have a really high IQ, and it’s likely what’s called Savant Syndrome.

We gain incredible genius abilities, but we’re still human. We’re not supposed to have such a high level of intellect, so our human brain struggles to keep up with how advanced we are, which can lead to depression and other issues.

So, is this a form of perfection? If I weren’t limited by being human, could I be perfect? Does that mean I am perfect?

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--
But I just want to be normal...

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As I always do, lets take another Arcane analogy. In Arcane, Viktor reached the true perfection. However as you know if you watched this serie... At what cost ?

“There is no prize to perfection… only an end to pursuit.” Viktor

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I don't want to be perfect.

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I just want to be normal.

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The normal realization would be: ",Well, since it's too late to be normal, at least I can become perfect?"
Nop I can't, I'm just human.

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So I'm stuck

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That's why my existence is a curse

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There's no solution, no other way to see this

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I can't even be contested because no one knows my life better than I do. It would take another version of me to challenge my point, knowing everything about me.

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And it's impossible.

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I can have arguments with myself, I even had one in this diary a few days ago... But it can't go this deep. Deep enough to truly change me.

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I'll still complaining

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It looks like I'm just complaining a lot

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But that's just 2 hours of complaining after 365 days of doing my best.

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And I came to the conclusion "My existence is a curse", a long, long... time ago.

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It didn't change this year, and won't change in 2025

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Or in 2026

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It's fine I'll live my life

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And have fun

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Do my best to have a nice life

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I just hope that my existence will really end once I'm dead. Yeah this is my true wish. If there's a god, please allow me to either change a bit once I'm dead if I have to exist more, or just destroy my existence.

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Though, my life is not bad, I'm not saying that, my point is so different.

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What's bad is me

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tss

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My mom and stepdad said they would stay up until noon, but it's 11 p.m. and they sleep. I tried to go them to at least spend New Year like a normal person, but I guess I'll have to read my book, while I hear my neighbor having fun and laughing.

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A tear should have fallen down Janna's cheek, but she didn’t cry. The stream formed by the pouring rain would have carried it away if she had dared to hope for a crack in the ice between the warmth of her neighbors' laughter and celebrations, and the coldness within her heart, abandoned in the solitude of her suffering, alienated and unable to fit into a normality she could never reach.

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But I can't even write that, I don't feel anything. It's empty

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I don't have the strength to even form that tear.

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--
Am I a good writer? As I said a few days ago, I looked again at this book I was writing.

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I write in french tho

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And it's way more beautiful since I know... 500x more vocabulary?

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To me, I totally master this language. To the level of expert who's passion is to study this language. So I like writing

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But yeah, I'm not the best at "writing" in general. Doing good syntax and mastering a language is different for me.

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What I say is that, if you give me a super complex feeling or thought, I'll be able to find the perfect words to explain it, in french.

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It's time to go back to reading... I was supposed to read 10 more chapters today :(

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Maybe I will write again before sleeping ? So I can't say gn.
Cya diary.

earnest pivot Dec 31, 2024, 11:26 PM

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Happy New Year.

Goodnight diary.

dense basin Dec 31, 2024, 11:27 PM

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Happy new year

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You made it

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Ur lucky

gleaming breach Jan 1, 2025, 4:15 AM

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@earnest pivot Happy New Year! May you broaden your mind even further this year PeepoHeart

earnest pivot Jan 1, 2025, 11:12 AM

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Thank you arlo & kbouter

earnest pivot Jan 1, 2025, 11:13 AM

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dense basin Ur lucky

Wdym

dense basin Jan 1, 2025, 11:13 AM

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there are many reasons you are lucky

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many things to be happy for

earnest pivot Jan 1, 2025, 11:17 AM

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Many humans are not happy no matter how much they have

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--

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Hello diary

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I have a problem, I'm the type of person to always take screenshots when I read webtoons/manhwa/manhua

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Well just every vertical colored story, idk how it's named

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And.... Woow I have way too mucj

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Each screen is 3/4 Mo

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And there's a day I took 4000 of these... not my fault the main character was so beautiful

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The drawing was perfect

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So yeah my phone is giga full and I don't know how I can store them in mass

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Maybe on a personnal discord server?

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I wanted to send a few but I was already at 10 images just for what I've read yesterday

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Yeaaah

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Idc let's send a bit

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It's my diary

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Adonis
Your throne
This world is mine

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I have no idea what's the name of these

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adopted by assassin family (?)
Frozen wolf, fire dragon
dead mansion
white blood (?)
attacking girl's dominatory of demon king (?)

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I'm spamming girl love stories wtf, I have like 5k of the first. But it's so fun, it's fantasy, and since it's not the typical romance between a prince and a the fmc, it's fun

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indulging a cr4zy beauty

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Alr I stop after this

gleaming breach Jan 1, 2025, 11:40 AM

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earnest pivot

ooohh fellow Unholy Blood reader 🫵

earnest pivot Jan 1, 2025, 11:41 AM

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Yee, I didn't finish it but it's fun

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can a vilainess raise a yandere hero
(no idea)
Kill the vilainess

I can't send more of Kill the Vilainess, it's the best isekai manhwa with a girl protoganist (vilainess genre) for me, spoiling it is stupid

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I gtg, we'll have a family dinner for New Year i guess

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I'm more happy than yesterday

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I recieved messages from my friends

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Summer friends

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I thought they forgot me

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It was a good idea to send screens here, at least I know that storing them on discord is not a solution

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I can send them only 10 by 10

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But there's like 10k

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It's 35Gb of images lol

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Mhhh

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I can just buy another 1/5T disk

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My first one broke for no reason and the datas were unrecoverable so I don't trust them

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I have a lot of copies of my important files in many storages so I can't lose them

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I should rename this diary

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It's not a diary anymore, I just write whatever comes to my mind

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It's not organized

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--

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I don't know how I could live without music

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I don't need to develop this, I think it's something a lot of people can relate

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I listen to every type of music

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If you play my "liked song" playlist, each song is a different genre

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I have 2 categories of "favorite songs". It's not about the genre of the music; I just have a category for my "overall favorite" and "current favorite"

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Current favorites are the top songs that I actually like. But it's really fleeting

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As anyone know, our taste often changes

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That's why I classed them in 2 different categories

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Songs of my overall favorite are way more stable, it's the songs that will always be my favorites, for a long period of time

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For example, my current favorite song is "Ma Meilleure Ennemie", but maybe in 1 month I'll find it bad ?

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My top song overall is timeless, or at least it will take a lot of time to change. It will only slowly move down in the rankings, not disappear from it entirely.

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I think it's easy to understand

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I don't have my music diary on me rn, so I'll just try to remember them

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As I said before, once I write something on a diary, the information is not necessary anymore in my brain so I force myself to forget, or just naturally forget.

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Overall top (unordered):

Gods - LoL
Legends never dies - LoL
Rockstar - Post malone
Aphrodite - Ethan Gander
Dopamine - Siickbrain
Mind games - sickick
Stronger - TheFatRat
Enemy - ImagineDragon

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These are songs I can listen to at any moment in my life and enjoy them

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I didn't write any french song bcz... Idk

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My current favorite top is :

1: Ma Meilleure Ennemie
2: Gods
3: Stronger
4: To ashes and blood - Woodkid
5: Lilium - Elfen Lied
6: Idol - Yoasobi

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Lilium will probably go in my overall favorite top

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I don't see how I could like it less

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It's more because of the impact the anime had on me

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When you listen to the song without having watch the anime ofc it's nothing special

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But the song becomes truly beautiful with the story associated to it

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Fuck

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She is dead

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Oh wow

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Sorry mom

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Stop crying

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It was supposed to be a happy day

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How

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How

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Sorry I can't stay with you

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I don't feel as sad as you are so it hurts me

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I can't go with them, sorry

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Fuck off she was really fine 1 week ago

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How

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Really

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How this happened

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Why now

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Really

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Maybe it's a joke

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But why they all cry

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I should go with them since i'm the less sad

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And help them

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But I prefer writing sorry

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I was just explaining my music ranking and 2s later someone's dead

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Humans are fragile.

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Well, this dzy isnfucked

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No happy New Year

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I didn't even finish to compose the piano song for her

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I knew what was on when I saw my uncle crying when he opened the door

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He never cries

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I should go with them

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Sorry mom, you were so happy to see her smile

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And I told you "you're the one making it sad, no one is crying but you"

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You were right to cry and enjoy her

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I didn't even cuddle her

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I'm so sorry

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I have no step back on the situation right now, so it's just a dream to me

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It's impossible

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How

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"Hello!! We brought flowers!"

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"She's dead."

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Really

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In movies they try to make it less sad

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Or more sad, but it never hurt as much as he said it

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For my mom at least

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I've never seen my mom scream like that; I thought screaming when we're sad was just something people did in movies.

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I just wanted to finish my book and eat in peace

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Now I have to face my whole sad family while I feel nothing, trying to comfort them

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Lol what a situation

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I'd like this to be part of my imagination

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I shouldve stayed home

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At least my stepdad is here

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My mom is with everyone

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I can stay in this room it's fine

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But what will they think when I come back ?

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"Death is not that sad guys"

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I can't tell them that

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And I also have a weird habit of smiling in sad/important situations.

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Even my sister is crying !!!

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How

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She was like me

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Am I the only insensitive person ?

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I thought my sister was like me also

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I'm really a bad human

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I should be sad

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I think only my mom's and brother's death could make me sad

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Mhh... I hate when people of my family die
Will everyone be this sad each time it happen?

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I guess we'll stay here for all the day now

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I just want to go back home, but I must do my best to make my mom less sad

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I'm supposed to write all of that in another diary, I'm not supposed to talk so much about family here

earnest pivot Jan 1, 2025, 12:45 PM

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earnest pivot I don't have my music diary on me rn, so I'll just try to remember them

But as I said here'.. I didn't bring my other diaries

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I didn't say this

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But yeah

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It's fine I just need somewhere to write

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If I don't write it, I don't think about it

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I'm hungry

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We were supposed to eat ../

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I can't tell them tho

earnest pivot Jan 1, 2025, 1:04 PM

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Alr now the atmosphere is better

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I had to make them all laugh

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All good

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But they want to drive 10h again!!! No!

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There's no way

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I don't care

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When she was alive okay

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It's fine we can go see her

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And it's vacation, oakayy all good

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But I have what we call "bac blanc" in 3 weeks, it's an official exam like the exam at the end of this year to graduate. (Idk how to explain)
I can't miss so much days

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And yeah I just don't care

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Once someone is dead,
He's dead.

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I forgot what I wanted to say

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Nvm

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--
There's a guitar here

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I'll play guitar until they finish preparing food

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Cya diary.

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Well, they're fast

earnest pivot Jan 1, 2025, 4:03 PM

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Yo

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We're heading back home

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I have nothing to say

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Seeing my mom and my grandma laughing and trying to be happy after what happened made me question myself

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What would I do if I lost someone I love enough

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First I probably wouldn't want to have any social interaction

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I can bear other humans when I'm going well

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But if I were this sad, it'll be hard for me to bear the triviality of humans

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Even for people from my family

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Also, would I still go to school and work normally for a normal future ?

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If someone is responsable for the death of someone I like, of course I'll kill them and the most people they like before getting arrested. So I don't really ask myself questions on this situation

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But if they die by accident like, right now

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What would I do

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I'm not strong enough to bear life alone

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Mhh, I hope it won't happen

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I'd like to have a stable life before my brother or my mom die

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But we learn that in life, tragedies can happen during both good and bad times. They don't choose their moment to strike.

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Yeah let's hope it didn't happen

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Why should it happen to me also

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I already lived a lot of things other human didn't have to

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I'm home now, cya

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My cat ate all my chocolates, wtf

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How

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:(

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They're not supposed to like this...

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I should have put them away though, mb

earnest pivot Jan 3, 2025, 3:13 PM

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Haay diary

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It's been a while right

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Oh, only 47 hours

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A lot happened, I just woke up right now after 42 hours without sleeping

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4 hours after my last message I was fighting against my ninjutsu gakusei, I talked about him previously in this diary

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He challenged me to a duel lol

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As I feared

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I'm glad he followed our clan's rules and didn't try to attack me out of duel.

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Mhh, ofc I won or I wouldn't be writing

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I didn't kill him, it would be so sad and stupid for my first official student to die like that

earnest pivot Jan 3, 2025, 3:44 PM

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The only big injury I have is an arm injury

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He's really good at close combat

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It's rare to see people this good at close combat

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Since he's from another clan, and we never fight other clans

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Even for my Champion title, it was against other branch of our clan, not another one

#

Their previous clan is way more strict than mine, he was supposed to win against me

#

And he's also older

#

But I'm better with our weapons, he didn't train them much yet

#

For example it's the first time he used senbons

#

Oh, on the combat with free weapon, the one where we can use our favorite weapon, he used a weird combinaison of weapon, that I have only seen used in Mortal Kombat.

#

I need to find them on google, wait

#

Okay I can't find it it's way too original

#

First, he allocates 14 points to weapons.
In a duel, we are given a certain number of points based on our hierarchy, which we can distribute across various aspects, primarily weapons and equipment.

#

It's a lot... 14 to weapons is insanely huge

#

It's... Stupid.

#

I didn't teach him this, it was unexcepted

#

I, being someone known for my irrational tendency to carry an excessive number of weapons, only use max 8 points on them.

#

Soo yeah

#

His combat style is really good tho

#

In his left hand, he held a modified kyoketsu shoge with a barbed red metal chain, and a sai in his grip... It's hard to describe; I'd like to be better at drawing so I can illustrate it.
He had nothing in his right hand, even though he's right-handed...?
He also has more weapons, but who cares? I'm just talking about how original these weapons are...

#

Mhh if I could send the video of the fight

#

But even if it wasn't to hide my identity, it's not something you'd want to see, it's bloody lol

#

I think it's still nice to read so I write it in his diary

#

I'll rewrite it properly in french on my diary 1 tho, it's important.

#

I'm doing many things at the same time that's why I'm so slow at writing rn

#

He won the close combat, I won all the other fights

#

I had to hit him until he forfeited. I don't often feel bad for this, but hitting like that someone I'm supposed to train is brutal.

#

Anywayy I think he won't challenge me anymore

#

It would allow him to understand hierarchy and power

#

I think it's a good thing that he tried

#

Now he'll listen to me more, since he knows I am better

#

In 2 weeks there is another tournament for the ranking

#

I'll teach him my team techniques, he deserves it

#

he's not that rebellious

#

If we forget this event, he's doing his best to be a nice element of our clan

#

I was excepting him to be way better though...

#

They said he were a genius

#

And my clan probably sent him to have me killed in a duel so I couldn't even fight to become leader.
At least it's what I think

#

It's weird.. he did things I couldn't even think of doing to escape his previous clan

#

Ofc he beats me in close combat it's a guy and he's older

#

But I was expecting more from him. He really injured me in the free weapon fight, but I still won, and without killing him or critically injuring him. He wasn't trying to spare me; he was 100% in and still lost. That's really bad compared to what I've seen and heard about him.

#

It's finee, I'm glad to be alive, so I can train him

#

I hope he'll be useful to me.

#

Oh, that was just the first 10 hours of my 42 hours without sleeping lol

#

I'll write more later, I have to see ... (How did I nicknamed him??)

#

The man who wanted to date me and is now my friend

#

I told him we'll train today

#

It's 5:30 p.m. but he said he's fine, so we're going to the park

#

cya diary.

earnest pivot Jan 4, 2025, 1:21 AM

#

It hurts

#

--
I started watching SnK it's really better than I excepted

#

I don't feel like sleeping today so I'll probably watch to S4

#

My internal sleep schedule is completely disrupted. It's really bad for my control over emotions, lucidity, and physical abilities.

earnest pivot Jan 5, 2025, 12:24 AM

#

Uuh I can't believe I watched an anime for 23 hours and still haven't finished it

#

I need to finish it to do something else, I have a lot of homeworks to do and have to work on the skills i'm supposed to train daily... How did I get so into this anime that I can't stop watching it

#

I have a lot to say abt it, so I'll write tomorrow once I finished it

#

--

#

Goodnight diary.

#

This anime is changing my perspective on many topics really hard

#

Aaah I said goodnight I'm supposed to sleep

#

I have to watch the 2 special ending episodes before being able to write anything..

#

I guess it'll end like Code Geass

#

It's similar, i'm prepared for Eren's death

#

It's 100% sure, it's obvious...

#

This anime is really scary

#

Because everything is so accurate to human behaviour. In the same context in the real world, it could happen exactly like it happened in this anime.

#

They kill so many characters, and the faces are insanely expressive. It's hard to explain, but if I had to sum up all of Attack on Titan, it would be: "This world is cruel.

#

Mhh I'll write more tomorrow

#

It made me change my mind on many aspects, but I have to meditate a bit so I sort this out

#

Btw I think this will become my top 1 anime, above Arcane

#

Arcane made me cry a lot
AoT left me shocked after every episode.

#

So it's not comparable, I should like Arcane better since I'm more emotionally attached to tje characters

#

In AoT, I don't really care if they kill characters

#

I mean ofc it's sad and you're shocked

#

But how many did they kill ..? Each episode there's a lot of death.

#

But the story... Damn the story.

#

Cruelty

#

Yeah AoT is full of this

#

In this world nothing never happens has you wanted to

#

Your life is useless

#

Also there's moral dilemma

#

Oh wow I can write 4h about this

#

I should not

#

I said earlier in this diary that I'm litteraly terrified by manipulation

#

Doing something you believe is right, simply because you don’t know it’s wrong.
Brainwashing, propaganda, it’s terrifying.

#

Also there's no "wrong" side

#

At first when watching the 2 first seasons, I tried to find reasons to explain the behaviour of primordial titans, because in these kind of ultra developed stories, there's no wrong side.

#

I thought at this moment "okay these guys are just vilain, that's all"

#

Wow...

#

If only.

#

Violence cycle is also terrifying

#

I understood at season 3 that there was no way for descendant of Ymir, and normal humans to coexist

#

Just because, it's impossible.

#

No need to develop, anyone who watched AoT know,
But yeah it's because Ymir descendants can transform into titans and it's a threat to humanity

#

I don't know what'll be the conclusion of AoT.. i rly need to watch these 2 final ep

#

I just know that there won't be peace.

#

This anime is perfect, they won't try to add a fake peace element that's impossible to obtain for humans

#

It's an realist story

#

I got scared by Gabby

#

It made me forget how to breath

#

It's really scary

#

In this world hope and dreams are just destroyed by deaths

#

Gabi was born and raised to believe that Ymir's descendants are demons who should be erased from the planet. civilians, military, everyone. To her, they are all demons who must be killed.

#

And it's the same for all humans of this world

#

They all think they fight for a good reason

#

Where they are ignorant

#

And fear the unknown

#

It's what pushed us in World War II, so yeah it's insanely accurate to reality.

#

I rlly need to sleep, I'll continue later.

#

This anime made my change my mind on value of other's life

#

And on how I value my actual lifestyle.

#

I'm happy to be born far from war

#

I don't have to suffer and die for no reason

#

No one comes to crush my family's dreams, my hopes and life.

#

I said that I wanted to be born in a medieval era to be soldier, since I'm skilled at combat

#

But I'm not the main character

#

Even some, main, really main characters die in AoT

#

Like Eren. Well idk if he dies yet, I need to watch the final episodes, but it's probable since it looks like Code Geass ending.

#

Code geass but without seeing Eren's thoughts. Probably we'll see them at the end

#

It really looks like he's a bad person rn. But no one is bad in AoT I think.

#

Eren rn is the only one who looks a bad person, and the why is also probably explained in the final episodes.

#

Alrr stoppp

#

I gtg sleep

#

Another 24h witbout sleeping..

#

I'm more tired on vacation than on school period

#

Oh, it ends tomorrow..

#

Goodnight diary x2.

kindred spoke Jan 5, 2025, 5:31 AM

#

Hey, this might be a bit random but i i’ve been feeling kinda lonely lately and i dont rly got no one to talk to about anything but i came across this and read through some of it and you geniunely seem like an intresting person and i would love to just have conversations with u

kindred spoke Jan 5, 2025, 5:33 AM

#

kindred spoke Hey, this might be a bit random but i i’ve been feeling kinda lonely lately and ...

Ngl this kinda sounds like a job interview lol

#

So can i start on monday?

earnest pivot Jan 5, 2025, 12:10 PM

#

Hi, sorry, but I only use social media to write in this diary. I don’t really have the time or energy to chat with virtual people. I do appreciate the compliment, though, and I hope you’ll find someone to talk to.

Also, my company doesn’t have any funds, so hiring you would be difficult 😭 ||@kindred spoke||

kindred spoke Jan 5, 2025, 3:13 PM

#

earnest pivot Hi, sorry, but I only use social media to write in this diary. I don’t really ha...

Its fine i understand. Kinda forgot ppl got better things to do. Welp i guess i’ll just find another job so i can satisfy my gambling addiction😄

#

Have a nice life Janna🙂

earnest pivot Jan 6, 2025, 8:05 PM

#

Hello diary.

#

Today I saw S after a long time !

#

It was surprising that she came to see me on the public side of our school. People like her, from the private side, shouldn’t cross the corridor. It’s even worse than when I do it myself. It’s like a noble student visiting a commoner school, lol.

#

She waited for me during both school breaks. Maybe I shouldn’t have given her my schedule during the vacation? Just kidding, it’s perfect :)
Anyway, the supervisors saw her and tried to force her to go back to her side. The students on the private side have different outfits. We don’t have uniforms, but we do have a dress code to follow. For example, neither side is allowed to wear silver or gold (and also yellow or gray). Yeah, it’s random, but that’s just how it is. Our school is kind of a “private school,” even for the public side… it’s hard to explain, so don’t ask.
She was wearing red and gold, haha. But she’s an exception. She doesn’t seem to care when people criticize her. And since the big-name students on the private side avoid her, I only can guess she’s from a good family that can cover for everything she does.
So, when the supervisor asked for her name, she just answered, and he said, “Oh, okay, sorry, you’re fine.” That’s why I think she can probably do whatever she wants.

#

She doesn’t abuse this, though. I’ve never seen her do anything unauthorized, except for waiting for me… So I’m really happy. :)

#

--
writing later, I gtg eat.

earnest pivot Jan 6, 2025, 8:55 PM

#

She asked me why I was injuried

#

I don’t know how she knows that. I didn’t show her, yet she knew.

#

So I told her it was because I do boxing and had a tournament.
I don’t mind talking about my combat skills and injuries, etc. I just replace “ninjutsu” with “boxing” anytime I mention anything. I even told my friends about my Champion title—I just swapped the ninjutsu title for a boxing title.

#

She looked at me with “what a liar” expression on her face . / . /

#

Somehow she knows everything!!

#

I can't hide anything from her it's annoying

#

I already said that I know. But it's even worst now

#

We just talked a few times during vacation and it looks like she knows how to read me even better with the few information I gave her on me. Is she a detective?

#

If she continues, I'll have to get information about her, but I don't want to be a stalker :(. Still, it can't be dangerous for me if she's someone I shouldn't approach.

#

What I liarrr I am. I just want to get infos on her lol

#

I don't think I like girls but this one is special. I might develop a crush on her if we continue like that

#

It's not like it's something bad, but I'm a bit possessive, and I don't want that to damage our relationship

#

When I say possessive, I don’t mean I get sad or angry over stupid reasons—Even when I’m jealous, I can act naturally. It’s just that I try to make the person "mine." “Why should they belong to anyone but me? This human is my possession.” It’s bad because humans aren’t objects, but yeah... You know how I value people and life, so unconsciously, I might feel like humans can belong to me. I disagree with this, but my inner self thinks like that, and it’s hard to fight against my deep inner self.

#

She told me that I should stop getting hurt, and that she was worried.

#

I think it's just because she's cool, but it's really the first time she involves her feelings in a conversation

#

She's always cute and nice, but she's never talked about her feelings for me. So, I'm even more happy.

#

I think we will become good friends, she's an amazing person

#

People often tell me I'm an interesting person, but that's because they don't know her.

#

I know probably almost nothing about her and she's already more interesting than me

#

Oh ! I tried to hit her

#

Wait, I need to develop this

#

It was at the second school break

#

I find it weird that she’s so good at understanding me, and on top of that, she’s from a powerful family. Aristocracy in 2025? There are still a few hundred thousand of them, but it’s rare. What’s even stranger is that she can hear me coming from behind her and know I’m hurt just by the way I walk... I’ve already hypothesized that she might be an elite, so a** Rank C** person. In addition to her possible aristocratic background, she could be a **Rank C **aristocrat, which is almost impossible to find in a regular school. These types of ELITES are mostly outside of society, and we never hear about them. They live in a circle of powerful people, in their own little world.

#

The words in bold are vocabulary words that I defined somewhere in my diary.

#

So, I tried to hit her in the neck. It just hurts, and it’s nothing dangerous if you know the technique and aren’t trying to hurt the person. But it’s something everyone should defend against in any situation, because you never know if the person is going to try to knock you out (it’s not like in the movies—it’s really dangerous and can kill you), try to kill you, or just fake it like I did.
I did that to find out if she was trained in fighting or not. It’s another big factor that would have given me an answer about whether she’s an elite or not, at least in terms of martial arts.
She is!! I mean, she didn’t defend or attack me, but when I did that from behind, she turned her head, almost like she was letting me know that she knew what I was doing. But… I can’t be certain since she didn’t do anything to defend herself. I’m 100% sure now that she’s pretty good at fighting and is trained in advanced martial arts, but she didn’t confirm it. It’s just an assumption.
She’s amazing! Maybe I can train with her? If I tell her about my ninjutsu skills.

Oh, by the way, I stopped when she turned her head—I didn’t hit her. If she hadn’t turned her head, I would’ve hit her the safe way, and it would’ve just hurt a little bit. Since she turned her head, it means that either she’s trained and it could’ve been a warning for me to stop, or she was asking me not to hit her. It's would've been just really stupid to continue, my instinct told me to not.

#

Mhh, she's not better than me though. She has fast reflexes but they're slower than mine.

#

Ahhh I just want to fight with her now

#

It can't get out of my head

#

I'm not violent, it's not about hurting anyone, I just want to know her level 😭

#

I can teach her maybe ?

#

Mh...

#

Nop

#

I'm not allowed to teach anyone my clan techniques, of course.

#

--
I have a history exam tomorrow, I was supposed to study but S can't get it out of my head.

#

Oh noooo it's on WW2

#

about the french resistance, the intervention of the allies, the Nazi occupation

#

History is truly cruel.
In a conflict, the winner will be the hero and the loser the villain.

#

Whichever side wins, they will be seen as heroes by the relevant side of the conflict/the world.

#

H,tler would have been considered a hero if he had conquered Europe.

#

Now this name is taboo

#

Even banned from this server

#

I mean, he's not a hero ofc, what he did is really bad. And since I'm french, I'm supposed to be happy that he lost.
Though, he rly couldve won.

#

If Japan had not attacked the United States, the United States would not have intervened in the conflict.

#

And if H*tler didn't attack URSS, he wouldv'e won.

#

Maybe he would have lost later? 10 years later, 100 years later, maybe 500 years later? But they would have won in the present.

#

What he did is not really different from how all great empires have been built in the past.

#

So why this is so taboo ? Ofc, because we don't want war in our actual society, and HE LOST.

#

If he won, maybe "Charles de Gaulle" would've been a taboo word/name, censored on this server like H*tler is ?

#

We will never know. But we can guess that yeah it would've been.

#

I don’t like how most people takes what society deems as “bad” and just accepts it as “bad.”

#

think about it ! You can't have an opinion on something if you didn't think about it.

#

"H*tler is mean !"
Fuck you ! Think about it. Then if you decide that he's mean, Your opinion is valuable.

#

Look at objective arguments, and make a subjective opinion on them. Do you value lives? If yes, then he is mean. And every actual country is built by mean people. The entire story of your country is full of mean people. So this is not an argument, right? Or maybe your opinion IS that your country’s history is full of mean people, and then your opinion is valuable. If you can't make a strong subjective opinion on objective facts, shut up and never give your opinion on these topics.

#

For me, if we forget that I don’t think humans are responsible for their behavior (liberty, fatalism, and mostly determinism), H*tler isn’t even in the wrong. He’s just like any other radical leader from the past. There have been many, and that’s how the world is what it is today. He could’ve been seen as a hero if he had won the WW2, but since he didn’t, he’s cursed by what we learn in history class today.
If we now include my thoughts on human responsibility, then I think he just has a really sad story. He developed mental issues from his cruel and harsh childhood, and became someone he probably wouldn’t have become, and maybe would’ve regretted being, if he hadn’t gone through what he did.
I think this for every human, not just H*tler in particular.

So yeah, even for rap*sts or serial killers, but don’t get me wrong, they’re not responsible for the person they are, and it’s so sad that they became what they are, but they should still be punished for what they’ve done. Both a rap*st and a serial killer deserve to die, for peace and to pay for their crimes.
Has anyone watched Demon Slayer? The demons didn’t become what they wanted because they chose to; they were pushed by circumstances that didn’t depend on them. They had sad pasts and experiences, and it pushed them to commit atrocities. When they die, they regret what they became now that their minds are clear. My view of humans is like how Tanjiro sees demons. He kills them because he has no choice, and they truly deserve it, but he feels pity for them—people who were forced to become what they are.
I won’t expand on this, but since I believe in determinism, for me, humans are forced to become what they are.

#

Also, 1 in 10 people might have some level of attraction to minors. Does that mean 1 in 10 people should be killed? No. They didn’t choose to be born with such an attraction, their mind is simply like that, and they never wanted to have such a desire. Most of these people will never act on it, since they know it’s wrong, and some of them really don’t want these absurd desires. However, they can’t do anything except endure them and stay strong to never commit a bad act.
They’re not responsible for how they think or perceive minors, so they don’t deserve to be punished.
This applies to everything; it was just one extreme example I gave. If I had chosen a softer example, maybe some would think it doesn’t apply to anything.

#

--
Damn... I really have to study

#

I'll sum up everything I have to know here

earnest pivot Jan 6, 2025, 10:22 PM

#

I wrote everything in french but I translated it really quick

#

I'll send both versions, since it's easier for me to study in french lol

#

damnnnn the message is way way way too long

#

Ok I took the version without any sentence

#

WW2 : Opposition fascistes vs démocraties
La guerre est inévitable à cause de l’opposition entre régimes fascistes (Allemagne, Italie) et démocraties.

Débarquement et Bataille de Normandie

6 juin 1944 : Débarquement allié en Normandie.
6-21 juin 1944 : Bataille de Normandie.
Forces : 2M alliés, 500K allemands.
Stratégies : bombardements, parachutages, aménagement des ports.
Pertes : 500K allemands, 200K alliés.
Résultats : Prestige des USA renforcé, libération de la Normandie.

Opération Bagration (1944)

22 juin - 19 août 1944 : Offensive soviétique en Biélorussie.
Forces : 2,4M soviétiques, 800K allemands.
Stratégie : Blitzkrieg (aviation, tanks, infanterie).
Pertes : 180K alliés, 300K allemands, 150K prisonniers allemands.
Résultats : Libération de la Biélorussie.

Arrêter ou continuer la guerre ?

Pétain : Armistice, régime de Vichy, collaboration avec l’Allemagne.
De Gaulle : Résistance, valeurs françaises, soutien USA et UK, France libre.
Occupation : France divisée en zones occupée et non occupée.
Rafle du Vel d’Hiv : Arrestation de 13 000 Juifs.

Bilan nucléaire

Hiroshima et Nagasaki (août 1945) : Bombes atomiques, fin de la guerre.
Pertes : 70K-80K morts à Hiroshima, 40K à Nagasaki.
Conséquences : Émergence de l’arme nucléaire, début de la guerre froide.

#

WW2: Fascists vs Democracies
The war is inevitable due to the opposition between fascist regimes (Germany, Italy) and democracies.

D-Day and Normandy Battle

June 6, 1944: Allied landing in Normandy.
June 6-21, 1944: Battle of Normandy.
Forces: 2M Allies, 500K Germans.
Strategies: bombings, parachutes, port development.
Casualties: 500K Germans, 200K Allies.
Results: US prestige boosted, Normandy liberated.

Operation Bagration (1944)

June 22 – August 19, 1944: Soviet offensive in Belarus.
Forces: 2.4M Soviets, 800K Germans.
Strategy: Blitzkrieg (air, tanks, infantry).
Casualties: 180K Allies, 300K Germans, 150K German prisoners.
Results: Belarus liberated.

Stop or Continue the War?

Pétain: Armistice, Vichy regime, collaboration with Germany.
De Gaulle: Resistance, French values, support from US and UK, Free France.
Occupation: France divided into occupied and unoccupied zones.
Vel d’Hiv Roundup: Arrest of 13,000 Jews.

Nuclear Legacy

Hiroshima and Nagasaki (August 1945): Atomic bombs, war ends.
Casualties: 70K-80K deaths in Hiroshima, 40K in Nagasaki.
Consequences: Nuclear weapon emergence, start of Cold War.

#

I use this diary to study now...

#

It's fine.

#

there's way too much infos.

#

Why do I have to learn that in 20 mins

#

Nah, I can just rote memorize it

#

But it's mad annoying

#

There's so much dead

#

a single life is full of history, dreams and hopes

#

I can't represent myself how many is 38 million deaths in total for World War II.

#

38 million people with different histories, consciousnesses, dreams, emotions, choices, relationships, cultures, creativity, struggles, growth, languages, empathy, morality, curiosity, and ability to shape the future, gone.

#

I don't care about the concept of 'death,' but I am saddened that the world has lost what makes people who they are—so many skills and personalities that we will never see again.

#

This perspective on the value of a life is kinda dangerous to have

#

It's nice because I can feel sad for random people dying

#

But I could kill people without remorse if I don't think they are valuable.

#

So yeah, I understand that most people have and should have a different opinion on death and live for this one specific point.

#

Ups, I have to study.

earnest pivot Jan 6, 2025, 10:41 PM

#

earnest pivot ------------------------------------------------------ -----------------...

Aah I forgot the French resistance

#

It's fine

#

Alright, I studied for 4 mins, I'm ready !

#

dies tomorrow during history exam

#

It's time for meditation

#

I don't really need to sort my thoughts much today

#

But I want to have fun

#

I'll go in the state close to lucid dream and have fun

#

It's not as fun as in a lucid dream, but I can do whatever I want without the risk of waking up

#

I'll fight with S in it, to see how I could beat her

#

It's hard to understand for someone who's never tried, but when you know someone enough, you can imagine almost exactly how this person will fight... or react.

#

In a really realist dream / lucid dream, you can imagine people as they would be in real life.

#

So, from what I know of S, I can train against her

#

It's weird right ? I never seen her, and if we fight one day, I'll probably know how to anticipate her moves just because I already have 'fake' experience against her, in my mind.

#

This is a nice skill to develop

#

And it's something anyone good enough in martial-art and lucid dream can learn, no need to know some clan's super secret techniques... So anyone can learn it !

#

It's sad that most of the most advanced skills are not accessible, or even imaginable by most people, because they are knowledge that is not passed on to everyone.

#

Anyway most people are not good enough to learn these skills.

#

Imagine if a teleportation technique existed but it requiered to master every martial-art that exist. (teleportation doesn't exist dw 💀; Or at least I don't know about it.)
There's only a few people in the world who'll be able to master them all, so it wouldn't be useful for everyone to know about teleportation.

#

It's the same for most of my the ninjutsu techniques in my clan

#

Oh, I call it ninjutsu but it's not named like that in my clan. But it's mainly a super advanced ninjutsu

#

With techniques from every martial art

#

I'd say that 90% of the important techniques in my clan are things you can't find anywhere else. And you probably think it's not really possible or efficient, because it's not meant to be for normal people.

#

I'm glad to have a 'special' life, it would be so annoying without it

#

I'm already so bored by life

#

I can't imagine a normal daily life of a normal daily person

#

I probably would've killed myself. My reasons for staying alive are strong (read my PhV 1), but I might have had enough of life before even developing my opinion on this.

#

Time to meditate right ? I write too much.

#

Well not that much, I only wrote 200 messages here the last 4/5 days ? It's so low.

#

While watching animes I also write about my life lol, I don't need to see what I type, and my mind is so so good at doing 2 different things

#

So I can fully focus on an anime and write about my life, or even serious topics.

#

I do that in another diary though.

#

And since I've watched all seasons of AoT in the 3 last days, + already finished Demon Slayer season 1 and movie yesterday and today...
I didn't have time to write here. Most of the things I wrote are in the other diary

#

Time to go

#

Stop writing, myself!!

#

Stop it!!

#

AAaaefhgz

#

efgethry

#

Stop

#

Ok

#

I stop

#

--
Goodnight Diary.

earnest pivot Jan 6, 2025, 11:55 PM

#

K is not doing well I think

#

She was posting more of nice moments before

#

Btw she city she lives in is beautiful

#

On the few photos she sent at least

#

I hope that she will stay alive enough to find a nice reason to live

#

A reason to live don't have to be insane, one of my reason is to live is "why not ?"

#

Because yeah, why not, we have 1 life and once it's over we don't feel any sadness anymore, so bear it and experience the most happy moments you can.

#

K you can't die like that

#

You don't post a lot so, and you dare try to die ? Where is my content to read.

#

this is not the main reason why you should live though lol.

#

Tomorrow I'll be insanely tired, I got out of meditation directly to my phone, I'm supposed to sleep when I stop meditating..

#

Ayayay I'll die.

#

It's fine, I wanted to talk about K.

#

I'd like to talk to her

#

But she probably doesn't care + She has other things to do + I have other things to do

#

She could find my diary and read everything I've written on her

#

It's nothing bad.'' aaah no it's bad

#

I said that she is so fragile and trivial

#

That she is insanely weak

#

But it wasn't to be mean 😭

#

It's true

#

I feel like I want to protect her, even though I don't know her

#

Idk why I want to protect weak people

#

I'm not a hero

#

And they bother me, they're so simple-minded

#

Each time I see koware yasukute kawaī girl, I feel like protecting them

#

Not like a mother lol, idk

#

Maybe I'm a hero

#

Die to save a weak person looks cool

#

"She saved the kid and died!"

#

No, it's cowardly

#

Just because I don't care of my life, I'd like to die and save someone ? Tss

#

Yeah I mean it's a solution

#

My existence will never happen again, but I saved someone whose existence would have vanished too. So... yeah?
No. This is so cowardly.

#

I have to live

#

--
Why can't I send japanese character :(

#

I learned so much vocabulary but write in japanese here

#

It's better to use it, so I remember the kanjis

#

--/
saigomadetatakau

#

To not regret it.

#

I need to sleep like right now

#

Each minute I stay awake after breaking out of meditation without sleeping afterward feels like 5 minutes of missed sleep.

#

So how many hours I just lost rn? Haha I'm dead tomorrow

#

I can't die for someone if I die on my desk during my tomorrow's exam

#

--
Goodnight diary x2.

gleaming breach Jan 7, 2025, 2:41 AM

#

earnest pivot She looked at me with “what a liar” expression on her face . / . /

a leg injury? a lower extremity injury in boxing? girl i would've looked at you like that too, how common is a lower extremity injury in a boxing tournament? bruhwhat

earnest pivot Jan 7, 2025, 2:41 PM

#

gleaming breach a leg injury? a lower extremity injury in boxing? girl i would've looked at you ...

kickboxing :'(

gleaming breach Jan 7, 2025, 3:07 PM

#

earnest pivot kickboxing \:'(

i hope u specified that 😂

earnest pivot Jan 7, 2025, 5:34 PM

#

Yeah, no. But anyway, I could have a sprain—it doesn’t matter whether it’s from walking, boxing, or practicing ninjutsu.

earnest pivot Jan 8, 2025, 3:17 AM

#

earnest pivot kickboxing \:'(

Hello Janny, I'm sorry to hear that your leg is hurt 😦

#

I hope you can recover fast 🙂

#

Like I said the combat sport requires lots of stamina and endurance

#

Very dangerous sport, you hurt each other and win until the other person goes down

#

Very dangerous, pleas be careful Janna

#

🙏🙏

earnest pivot Jan 9, 2025, 10:40 AM

#

Yes

#

I have 1% battery on my phone so I'll write later

#

I touched S hair this morning

#

It sounds weird, but she had something in her hair, and when I told her, she allowed me to touch it.

#

So I'm happy, it's more contact with her

earnest pivot Jan 9, 2025, 2:12 PM

#

Her hair is super smooth and soft.

#

Better than mine

#

It's rare for me to say this

#

I think I'm physically attractive, pretty, and cute, with beautiful hair. My hair is what I like the most, and it's also what I like the most in another person. Hair plays a big role in my attraction to someone.
And she's has better hair.

#

I'm not mad, just amazed to actually find someone I find more pretty than myself. Physical appearance doesn't really matter to me in love or friendship. For love, being at least somewhat physically attracted to the person you like is, of course, a must, but in friendship, appearance doesn't matter.
So yeah, I'm pretty, but my own appearance doesn't affect my tastes in love.

#

It was just to say that I'm not a narcissist.

#

It's actually nice to go back to school after 2 weeks vacation

#

I'm bored in class and too lost in my thoughts to listen, but it's cool to see my friends

#

I've already missed 4h of school this week tho

#

I'm too lazy to go at the first hour everytime

#

2h of spanish class, and 2 of sport class

#

I'm supposed to be in sports class rn

#

But I was eating and... I wanted to play piano... And then I had to choose between eating an Ice-cream or going back to school

#

icecream>>

#

Or could I eat it while walking?

#

Nah it's too cold outside.

#

--
Btw I'm left-handed

#

Yeah it's a random info

#

But it's important, it prooves that I'm not surhuman

#

I better with left hand at almost everything, so it's bad for my combat sports

#

Most techniques are made for right-handed people

#

Yeah, I just gotta mirror them, I know

#

The problem is that they are made for right-handed people to fight against right-handed people.

#

And I'm the only left-handed one in my clan. Not really, one of our co-sensei was too, so he taught me before he got too old to teach us.

#

I had to develop my own techniques and fighting style

#

That's probably how I'm the best now.
I never talk about it, but of course, it's tough to be a woman in highly advanced martial arts environments like clans.

#

You might think it's because of sexism, and yeah

#

But also because we're just weaker than mans

#

I agree with equality between men and women, but I don't understand why some feminists try to claim that men and women have the same physical strength. Of course not!

Oh yeah, I remember now that I wanted to talk about this—a subject we worked on in Spanish class.
In language classes (except for the native one), we often debate topics because they include a lot of vocabulary and expressions. It’s one of the best ways to learn how to speak, discuss, and write. In Spanish, we are currently discussing sexism.
The teacher told us to form groups and prepare arguments on the topic. During the debate on Monday, held in the school library in front of a few teachers and our class, I presented my views and arguments.

But they cut me off while I was speaking. This part of my text was : "I won’t focus on the point of strength because, historically, men were the protectors of their families and women, so they gained muscles and incredible strenght. So, just based on irrefutable and obvious scientific evidence—men are physically stronger than women. But there are exceptions, as always, of course."

Then my biology teacher interrupted me and said, “Nope, you’re wrong. Men and women are equally strong.” After a moment of silence, with everyone laughing and shocked by what I had said (wtf?), I just replied, “Ok,” and finished.

I just wanted to point out that even teachers, who are supposed to teach biology and know that men are physically stronger, can contest this. It’s crazy. Feminism is going too far.

#

--
So it's normal that I suffer from sexism in my clan, where strength and skill essentially determine our position in the hierarchy.

#

Oh I'll finish writing this later, I gtg to school right now

#

So much lines on sexism to not have the time to talk about the consequences of it. Tss.. Brb.

gleaming breach Jan 9, 2025, 4:07 PM

#

earnest pivot I agree with equality between men and women, but I don't understand why some fem...

I just wanted to point out that even teachers, who are supposed to teach biology and know that men are physically stronger, can contest this. It’s crazy. Feminism is going too far.
That is crazy. that's not 'feminism going too far', though, it's toxic feminism or pseudo feminism, and unfortunately actual people with brains are stupid enough to be toxic feminists :/

earnest pivot Jan 9, 2025, 4:18 PM

#

Yes, is my point is that there are more and more of these extremist feminists, and it even influences people who are supposed to be logical and smart.

#

Anyway, I think feminism isn't really a good thing. The current situation is perfect—we already have rights and equality. Why do women fight for "independence"? Men aren’t independent themselves. Humans are social creatures who depend on each other to live. The dependence between genders is even more true since life is born from the union of male and female. They don’t compete with each other but rather complement each other.

Women nowadays trying to be independent and strong is, in my opinion, misguided. On a more subjective note, losing femininity for pseudo-independence is such a shame. Women want to take on the same roles as men? Then they'll lose their femininity, which is what makes a woman, a woman. Personally, I prefer feminine girls, and I think most guys feel the same way.

#

(The last paragraph is purely subjective and should not affect the value of my objective arguments.)

#

Even though I'm really good at martial arts, I look and act very feminine. It’s not an act—it’s just my personality, and I think it’s better for women to stay feminine.

My fighting style is also slow and designed to be graceful, making it look much more elegant and feminine. I teach this style to my students, and they sometimes other make fun of them for that. Although they’re among the best for their age.

#

I used myself as an example to show that, in any field, women don’t need to lose their femininity or change their personality and mindset to compete with men.

#

Men are stronger than women, so women will likely face disadvantages compared to men in mixed fields, including in terms of salary.

zzz long paragraph explaining why women are often paid less: they have to give birth, they are the ones usually called if there’s a problem with their child, and they are often responsible for taking care of children... essentially, anything related to childcare.

#

--
Even though this is a public diary, I can express my opinions ; and objective arguments freely without being contradicted by people with a 20 IQ. No one wants or dares to debate with me unless they’re either experts, have a strong resolved and detailed opinion, or are close-minded dumb individuals who refuse to listen and try to impose their imaginary beliefs on me.

#

That's also why I like writing to myself in a diary.

#

It's even better here than in a private diary because there are people who can disagree with me and offer their opinions, and help me change my mind on topics I wasn't entirely right about.

#

It's the only real point of having a public diary... I prefer my other diaries, that's why I don't write a lot here.

#

When I want to write in english I do it here too, my english has improved soo much in 2 months.

#

Oh, I was on the consequences of being a girl in my ninjutsu clan, sorry I forgot.

#

First, I'm super underestimated by anyone who doesn't know me, and even by some people who have only seen me fight a few times.

Of course, after 5 consecutive wins, they start to at least be wary when it's their turn to confront me for the first time.

After a fight with anyone, they either:

Accept me and are pleasantly surprised (10%)
Call for illegal moves (10%)
Still claim I'm just a weak and lucky girl, and that they intentionally lost because they pity me (20%)
Treat me like a normal opponent, so like a danger in our next fight (50%)
Get disgusted or mad and sometimes try to injure me, especially my face (20%)

#

There's a problem with %

#

That's 110%

#

Rip my maths

#

Let's keep it like that, I'm too lazy to click on the message, click on edit.... Well when writing this I had the time to do it.

#

And I edited this message hahaha, it's fine.

#

10% of the time, people are happy to see a girl who can fight, which is actually pretty high. If someone had told me that, I wouldn’t have believed it. It’s like if pro boxers got beaten by girls and accepted it—probable, but insanely rare.
It's mostly because of other people's opinions, of course. Getting beaten by the small and cute girl I am makes them get laughed at, especially when it's for big tournaments. They also get punished, like the 2 days of sleep deprivation and isolation I had to endure about a week ago.

In the last case (when they get mad and sometimes try to beat me at all cost or injuring me), I mentioned that they focus on my face, and this is true. It really marked me lol. It happened like 4 or 5 times, and they tried to just damage my face. My interpretation of their intention is: "Okay, you're good and I'm mad. Oh,you have a pretty face ? so I’ll leave a scar on it". Maybe it's not that, but it looks like it to me.

#

When you aim for the head, you're much too exposed in fights with metal-bladed weapons.

#

So my face is still perfectly fine, unlike their ribs after their bad positionning allowed me to ura hit them. (a strike with the flat side of a katana blade).

#

Nah I don't fight enough with katanas to know when to turn the blade, I avoid hiting my opponent if possible

#

I'll share one day the favorite weapon in my fighting style, for the free fights.
(A free fight is when we can use any bladed weapon, I talked about it a few days ago for my gakusei duel)

#

Alr, time to do something else,
cya diary.

earnest pivot Jan 9, 2025, 8:53 PM

#

I have no motivation to learn anything

#

Even for piano

#

It's been a few days I haven't studied any japanese

#

I probably forgot every kanji already

#

I'll watch a movie I guess

#

But it's annoying to lose so much time on a screen doing nothing

#

I could learn so much skills with my fast brain instead of.. doing nothing.

#

If only I had a little bit of motivation

#

I'll watch the anime The Seven Deadly Sins

#

It looks way better than I thought

#

I just don't like how the female protagonist is so sexualized

#

It adds nothing to the story

#

yeah it's not that good, but I have nothing to watch... I've already watched every Netflix series and movies I like

#

sob

#

Btw S told me that she has 2 hours free tomorrow cuz of an absent teacher

#

One of the two hour I don't have class anyway so I'll stay with her

#

It'll be the first time we talk together without too many people around

#

I wanted to say that it'll be calmer, but she's so calm that it doesn't really matter

#

I don't talk about the noise around, but our conversation

#

Her dialogue is like water, no imperfection, just flows

#

I'm not sure about the syntax on this sentence, but it looks fine

#

Usually people get embarassed when they are 2 and no one talks

#

I think no one would be with her

#

I already talked about that a few months ago here, silences in a conversation shouldn't be embarassing, and it's not to me so I'm talking for other people

#

Anyone talking with her would feel good

#

She's like hot water you swim in

#

when you talk to her

#

Why do I always see my sentences in the bad way

#

I should make for straightforward analogies

#

That's too abstract and have many interpretations :'(

#

Anyway, I should go, I don't feel the need to write anymore rn

#

So I'm losing my time.

#

cya diary.

earnest pivot Jan 9, 2025, 10:40 PM

#

Nvm, 7DS is not that bad, it's pretty fun to watch and the story looks good

#

--
Goodnight diary.

earnest pivot Jan 11, 2025, 8:46 AM

#

zz geography class is boring

#

I shouldn't be on my phone tho

lament sigil Jan 11, 2025, 9:17 AM

#

Send me a dm

earnest pivot Jan 11, 2025, 10:37 PM

#

I'm fine

#

Hello diary,
I have nothing to say, nothing to do, so I’m writing here.
Well, that’s not entirely true, but I’ve already written everything elsewhere… I just don’t feel like sleeping right now.

This first week of school was boring, except for the moments with my friends and S. The hardest part for me is having school and piano class on Saturday (today), along with a ton of homework due every Sunday. It feels like I never have a weekend. On top of that, there’s ninjutsu training… Free time doesn’t seem to exist for me.

When I usually write in my diary, I multitask to be more productive. But right now, I’m just lying in bed, dealing with painful aches and letting my arm heal from the duel. The light is dim, and my window is open despite the cold, letting me see the beautiful tree outside, illuminated by the moon... Poetic insight for boring night.

Then there’s the mirror on my wall… I want to take it down because I’m so tired of my reflection.

#

It's not that I don't like my appearance, I rly like how I look. It's just that my hair is too bright. I literally see a glowing yellow shape in the background (reflection of my mirror). Whenever there's light, my hair becomes so bright.

#

It feels like watching a screen without dark mode

#

My eyes are sensitive so it burns.

#

Is it because I have blue eyes? I read somewhere that people with blue eyes are more sensitive to light because they have less melanin in their irises. Melanin blocks light, so having less of it means more light enters the eyes, making them more sensitive to brightness.

#

I’m not sure it’s the only reason, but I’ll admit that it is.

#

At least it's a nice color

#

I'd have preferred a normal black eye color, so I could maximize my vision capacities.
Light being a weak point is so stupid lol.

#

Alr, I'll do something else now.

Goodnight diary.

earnest pivot Jan 12, 2025, 4:25 PM

#

I should take school more seriously so I get a well paid job

#

"should"

#

I won't do it obviously, my brain is too lazy.

#

When it comes to school

#

I actually like learning school things: math, physics, history, etc. But I don't like our education system in France. Well, no one does, and that's why everyone fights to change it. It'll probably change in the future because it's a huge problem in France, although I won't benefit from it by the time we get there.

#

It's better in private schools but my mom is not rich enough to pay it.

#

I need to have money later so my kids never face this poor school system or all the money problems I went through.

#

I'm writing what I should do instead of actually doing it. Typical human behaviour.

#

I realized today that my mental issues are mostly present when I'm alone. I like being alone—it helps me think and reflect about life—but it's also exactly what makes my mind go crazy. If you think enough about all aspects of life, your conclusion, after a lot of time, will be that, objectively, nothing matters. After reaching that point, I got really mentally sick each time I spent too much time thinking on serious topics.

Just compare my messages on this diary between my vacation (3 to 1 week ago) and this week. I had a lot of mental breakdowns late at night. If my opinion on how worthless suicide is wasn't strongly affirmed enough, I wouldn't be able to live when I'm alone thinking about everything.

This week I was at school, with not much free time, so my mind was
occupied, and I talked about topics I usually consider trivial. I laughed at jokes I consider meaningless and had fun talking to my friends. So I was happy.

Being alone helps me construct myself while killing me inside.
Being with people helps me be simply happy and trivial.

#

The conclusion is not so simple but it'll keep it simple. I only have 3% battery in my phone

#

Why is my battery always so low :sob:

#

--

#

I wonder if the person I am is the result of how my brain is wired and would have turned out this way regardless of my life experiences, or if it’s shaped by every atrocity I’ve been through.

#

I'm so young, just a kid, and yet I've lived through so many bad things. Maturity mostly comes from experience, not age.

#

So, am I what I am by the fatality of fate?

#

DoesN't matter

#

Answering this question won't change anything

#

I would still be so eccentric and marginal.

verbal barn Jan 12, 2025, 10:21 PM

#

Bob

earnest pivot Jan 13, 2025, 4:22 PM

#

Who's bob

#

Hello diary,
I feel bad about something

earnest pivot Jan 13, 2025, 4:30 PM

#

earnest pivot ------------------------ Hello diary, I feel bad about something

Oh no

earnest pivot Jan 13, 2025, 4:48 PM

#

There's a guy I've kinda liked for 2 years now. It all started during my first week of high school. He was really attractive, and I just wanted to get his number, so I asked one of his friends for it. The guy I like, let’s call him G, and the friend I asked for his number, we’ll call H.

During my first year of high school, my relationship with G was mostly a friendship through messages because we were both too shy to talk to each other in person. With H, things went a bit too far. He developed feelings for me, and sometimes we would joke about sex. For me, it was just fun, but I guess it was hurtful for him.

I spent a lot of time playing games and chatting with G, but it became clear he wasn’t really interested in me. He probably talked to me just because he was bored (at least, that’s my conclusion).

I’ll speed things up since this story spans over three years, and there’s a lot to say.
This year, G is in my class, but we don’t talk much. I often find myself just staring at him. As for H, he’s been asking me out for three years now, but I always make excuses to say no and take weeks to reply to his messages. I’m unsure whether I should tell him outright that I don’t want anything with him. I’ve implied it before, but I’ve always been undecided because part of me thought it might be fun to try a relationship. The problem is, I know he might love me, but I won’t feel the same way about him.

That’s the context.
Today, I agreed to meet H after school since we both finished at 4 PM. Since G and H take the same bus, G joined us, and we talked together. I had so much fun, but while H was talking about the idea of us going on a date, I was just so happy to be around G.

Now H has asked to see me more often, but honestly, I just want to be closer to G. I feel like I’m using H’s feelings to get closer to his friend, and it’s horrible because, deep down, I don’t care about H as much as I care about G.

#

--
See, I can also have trivial problems and worries lol

#

Woaw😦

#

You react like chatgpt

#

Me or jon?

#

--
Anyway next year we'll all change school so I won't see them anymore

earnest pivot Jan 13, 2025, 4:52 PM

#

earnest pivot Me or jon?

Who's jon

#

JON JONES DOUBLE CHAMPION RAHHHH

earnest pivot Jan 13, 2025, 4:53 PM

#

earnest pivot Who's jon

The greatest fighter ever

#

Nice ref

narrow delta Jan 13, 2025, 5:06 PM

#

Do you beat him in a fight ?

earnest pivot Jan 13, 2025, 5:09 PM

#

Not in a hand-to-hand fight, he's much stronger

earnest pivot Jan 13, 2025, 5:18 PM

#

narrow delta Do you beat him in a fight ?

Nobody beats jon jones bro

earnest pivot Jan 13, 2025, 5:36 PM

#

Francis ngannou probably does

earnest pivot Jan 13, 2025, 8:57 PM

#

earnest pivot Francis ngannou probably does

Youre fucking with me arent you

#

Please say this is a bad joke

earnest pivot Jan 14, 2025, 8:14 AM

#

Hello diary,
Today I'm going to my great grandmother's ceremony

#

At first, I didn't want to go, but last week, when I went to my grandmother's house, she told me "see you Tuesday at the ceremony!" So I was forced to go...

#

I already missed to much hours of school

#

It's mostly because I didn't go to school intentionally, I know. But here I have so many exams today. All my teachers will think I missed them intentionally, so they will think poorly of me and write it on my report card.

#

It's fine..

earnest pivot Jan 14, 2025, 9:52 AM

#

Uuh I almost cried

#

I don't know how

#

Seeing my whole family cry while watching a memory video is probably the reason

#

But I shouldn't be affected by it

#

S asked me by message were I was 20m ago

#

I forgot to tell her I wouldn't be there

#

This is the first time she asks for me.

earnest pivot Jan 15, 2025, 6:23 PM

#

I'm learning demon slayer OP 1 on piano, I like it

#

The version I play looks hard but it's pretty easy to play once you get the main left hand pattern

#

This one

earnest pivot Jan 15, 2025, 7:42 PM

#

Learn kanye songs

earnest pivot Jan 16, 2025, 10:39 AM

#

Overplayed

earnest pivot Jan 16, 2025, 2:59 PM

#

I made a new friend in sport class

#

Or at least a future friend

earnest pivot Jan 16, 2025, 4:26 PM

#

We played badminton in the same group so I wanted to play against her

#

But our match was the last and we didn't have time to play together

#

It's fine, but it could have been a great opportunity to talk to him without forcing the discussion

#

I'll talk to her tomorrow.

earnest pivot Jan 16, 2025, 8:40 PM

#

Next week is exam week

#

And I have my ninjutsu tournment this weekend so I can't really study

#

Not like I would've studied tbf

#

--

#

I don't know if I should talk about unpopular topics, but let's do it anyways

#

I think that any criminal who has committed a insanely huge crime, should be released from prison after a year or 2, as a second chance.
If they commit a big crime again, they shouldn't be released again.

#

For me a "huge crime" is something as big as terrorism.

#

Ok I have a hard time justifying this point.

#

Damn, I'm stuck in my arguments

#

I give up on this topic; it's pretty self-explanatory anyway. I don't really need to justify it. I just prefer having justified opinions. Opinions based on nothing are worthless... So take mine here as worthless.

#

--

#

Zz it's too taboo

#

I'll have to justify my next sentence so much

#

Ok let's do it

#

I think us humans, take r*pe way too seriously.

earnest pivot Jan 16, 2025, 9:24 PM

#

Since the word is censored on this server and it's boring to write it with the *, I'll write <®> instead.

First, I am talking about how <®> is seen by us as humans. I am NOT questioning the gravity of this act or the psychological and physical damage it can cause to the victim.

Reproduction is the main process that guarantees life. It takes multiple forms, but mostly involves sexual interactions. Humans are no exception, and as with a few other animals, sexuality releases pleasure hormones in our brain. This is a natural process meant to encourage reproduction, which is why we are such an invasive, ultra-reproductive species.

Of course, since pleasure is felt during the reproductive process, we find ourselves engaging in it for pleasure instead of purely reproductive purposes. This leads to the necessity of feeling more pleasure and a stronger desire for the opposite sex (I don’t care about LGBT in this context).

Species that experience sexual pleasure are naturally inclined to fulfill this need through consensual interactions if possible, or non-consensual ones if necessary. This is why animals like dolphins also <®>.

The only reason we see <®> as bad is because we are an intelligent species and have a very HIGH ego. We view our bodies as sacred and feel deeply violated when something is done to them. This is also why many people consider virginity important and why someone with a high body count is often labeled a prostitute, and a prostitute is seen as someone who "doesn't respect herself." All of this comes back to the idea that we see our bodies as something we should respect.

We consider eating other animals normal because non-intelligent species do it naturally. So why is <®> considered so bad? It is also part of human nature to some extent.

#

That said, I also consider <®> to be really bad, especially since I’ve personally experienced related issues. I believe no one should see <®> as a good thing. My point is simply that it is not objectively as bad as we perceive it to be.

We condemn <®> because we have too much EGO.

This is what I wanted to say.

#

Also, since we are an intelligent species, we should, of course, learn to control our desires. This topic ties into the broader subject of 'liberty,' so I won't dive into it here.

However, there are some people who can't resist this desire, and it's not entirely their fault. They simply suffer from what we truly are—a natural instinct inherent in our true nature.

#

Well, this was just an objective general truth on this topic, it's not an opinion

#

I said my opinion in a sentence : I consider ® a bad thing.

#

Since I want to have arguments for all my opinions, it's why I went this far on the topic, taking its origin from human nature.

#

If I ask someone “what do you think about r*pe?” » They will probably answer with a determined voice: it's bad because... nn nn... psychological damage

#

Noo !! Your opinion is worthless to me. This is NOT a justification. Just admit it by not justifying it and say "it's my opinion and it's like that." Or justify it more precisly.

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I would say that the reason I hate ® is because I as a human, have too much ego and see my body as something sacred.

And it's something I can justify, you just saw it.

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This again shows something important to me: your opinion only matters if you can justify it.

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We are working on the topic of 'Truth' in philosophy class, and I completely disagree with Platon or any philosopher who claims that there is only one correct opinion.

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For me, an opinion is valid when it cannot be contested by any axioms or common-sense statements, and when its justification is sound and coherent.

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It's objectively not a good definition of a 'valid opinion' since it can relate to false opinions. For example, when no one knew the Earth wasn't flat and it was common sense that it was flat, with this definition, thinking it was flat would have been considered a truth, a valid opinion. For me, it is... though, sorry, I'm too tired to write another 50 lines to explain why.

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--
Time to meditate

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I hope to have a semi-lucid dream tonight, I discovered that in dreams I speak a perfect japanese for some reasons

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It means that my brain unconsciously knows how to speak the language. If I can enter a lucid dream, while letting it continue without interrupting and forcing my unconscious to speak Japanese... It seems hard, but maybe I can transfer it to my conscious brain?
It's hard, and I don't know if it would work; I’d probably need a neuro scientist to answer this 😭.
Let's try.

Goodnight, diary.

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Another proof that humans are naturally attracted to ®, the most favorite webtoon on Webtoon, contains a lot.

earnest pivot Jan 17, 2025, 1:11 PM

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--

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K remains without news, I hope she is fine

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It's been 2 weeks

earnest pivot Jan 17, 2025, 3:35 PM

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Yes, she is

earnest pivot Jan 20, 2025, 10:25 AM

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Today was the exam of the 4 big ones we have this weak

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4h on info, it was easy I finished it in 1.5h

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Tomorrow is math . ... ... .
I'm dead

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Our notation system is on 20

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I have 2/20 in math rn

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And 18/20 in informatic

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This is so, so bad

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I'll fail my year at this rate

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Math really brings me down

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M saying this but still, I won't study for it, it's boring 😭

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Failing school but having more free time ? Worth.

earnest pivot Jan 21, 2025, 6:57 AM

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I should have studied more

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The math subject is approximately 14 pages. It will be 14 pages of nonsense to me

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Good luck to me

earnest pivot Jan 21, 2025, 10:06 AM

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Finished it in 2h25m

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It was awful

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Hopefully the last 2 exos were not that hard

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I should have at least 10/20

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The first one was a qcm on 8 questions, I just played coinflip...

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It's not a joke, I tried to deduce the most probable answer (searching for the answer with the most common elements from the others)
And then I coin-flipped them with a coin I bought since I knew I'd need it.

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Wait it's too cold rn my hands are burning

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I should type when I'm home

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Oh, at 4 PM, I have the practical info exam on PC.
I did the writing yesterday, and I'm way better at practical than theory, so yeah, it'll probably be so easy.

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(Ihope?)

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It has to be

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My trimester is fckd if I can't score 18/20 in info, since I'll get like 10/20 in math

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Idk for philosophy tomorrow

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I could have 5 or 18

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Depends on the subjects

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There's 3 different

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2 dissertations and 1 text analyse

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I hope 1 will be cool so I enjoy doing it and do it well

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These exams are a preparation for the end of the year, but they count as grades for this trimester.
Though it's not really important, the most important thing is to succeed at the final exam in June lol.

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I wish luck to myself

#Fragments of my Life [Diary]

Happy New Year.

Oh, it ends tomorrow..

Alr, I'll do something else now.

We consider eating other animals normal because non-intelligent species do it naturally. So why is <®> considered so bad? It is also part of human nature to some extent.