#Fragments of my Life [Diary]

1 messages · Page 4 of 1

earnest pivot
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So so good

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Lets watch ep2 and 3 then i'll go to sleep.

Good night diary.

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Oh we already see caitlyn in ep2, i forgot.

earnest pivot
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Yeah the ep 3 ending is even better than the ending of the season

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It's like "the" event that makes the Story. It creates singed, warwick, jinx, kill vander, make jinx and silco encounter, kill a part of powder, kill all their friends, put hextech at use, everything. It's insane. I must have seen this scene like 30/40 times but it's still amazing

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With the ending of the last ep ofc.

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Btw jinx first entrance in ep4 should be a meme

earnest pivot
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Hello diary.

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I don't have much to say, but I don't have much to do either.

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We'll go in my great grandma house rn to meet the rest of my family

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Then we'll go see her at the hospital

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The atmosphere will be sad

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It doesn't affect me, but i feel like losing my time when i have to act sad too

earnest pivot
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Well i'll learn more radicals today

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with 6h a day of japanese i'll be fluent in a few months lol

earnest pivot
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Alr i learned a lot more radicals

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After learning the radicals i tried to do the katakana test again, but since some radicals are katakanas it took me a while

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There's also the Dakutens, so the katakanas with " and °, but this is like hiragana, so i know them

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For the combinaisons, it's different from hiragana, i need to learn it by rote memorization

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Aaah i want to learn some vocabulary words

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But i have to learn :

  • radicals
  • kanjis
    And THEN i can learn vocabulary.
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Few weeks of work before learning any real word

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I just know some words by watching anime or listening to japanese podcasts

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When you know kanjis it's crazy how japanese is easy to learn.

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It's like learning english or spanish

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The grammar is so easy

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But yeah, 2k kanjis overall.

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Each kanji can have 2-4 meanings depending on the context

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There are also different kanji for a single word. While they might have the same meaning, the context in which they should be used is different.

sharp heron
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gotta spend atleast 9 years to remember all kanji, they start from grade 1 till freshman

earnest pivot
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Most people can learn all useful kanjis in 1/2 years nowadays

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Everyone using WaniKani app when they remind you to; learn kanjis should learn 2200 kanjis and 6000+ voc words in 2 years

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But yeah before the "radicals" method were created, it would take 4/5 years.

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9 years speaks fluently and can be mistaken for a native speaker.

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There was a piano in the hospital ! So i played piano for a few hours

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A lot of people would come to see me and thank me for playing

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Some people told my mother that they were happy that I was performing for these patients and that it made everyone happy.

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I wasn't playing for that in the first place lol

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I just wanted to play piano because i was bored. But if it makes everyone happy then it's cool i guess :)

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There's this guy spamming me asking for a date

Screenshot_20241223-163800.png
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It's in french sorry

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Here's the translation :
Me : "Btw there's a piano"
Him : not now, after. (in answer to my previous text saying that i can't go out with him since i'm 10h away from where we live)
Me: it sounds wrong (the piano)
Him : Nooo really ?!! It was humor. (Said in a arrogant way.)
"So, date or not ?"

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As i said in my PhV... Which one? I'm not on PC i can't ctrl+f and find it, and i didnt add the dictionnary at the beginning of the diary yet...
So, as i said in my PhV (X?) you can find easily ("society normalized rejection")
I'm don't reject anyone without letting them a chance to show me their value.

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I can't just say "no" to him, but i don't want to go on a date with him, i don't like 'love' as defined by most people, it's trivial.

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Relations before 20/25 are unimportant

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Ppl get a relationship because they need support and affection at this age.

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I don't need support, i'm my own support.
Well, i need to have somewhere to write, since my diaries help me support myself.

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As well for affection. The only person i need affection from is T. (Nickname for my brother, remember)

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I'm driving back home rn

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Not home "home"

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But home "medieval hut hotel" 😭😭

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I want to go back home...

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Oh, yesterday, i mean this night... I watched to the ep4 of Arcane

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Yes i said ep3... But i couldn't stop after the 3

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It's way too sad, and a too big turning point.

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In the ep4, we go a few years later

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And the episode ends by Caitlyn meeting Vi in the prison.

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Jinx is so cool. I thought that i liked Powder, but when i think about it, i like Jinx when she acts like Powder.

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They're the same person tho, but someone who didn't see the anime can't understand

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Before ep4, she is a normal girl, Powder.
After ep3, she becomes the crazy girl she is known for, Jinx. That's because she killed Vi's and her's adoptive father, friends; gets abandonned and hit by Vi, and ofc, gets found by the vilain of the anime Silco.

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Btw Silco is not a vilain at all when we know everything

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There's no antagonist in Arcane, only point of views.

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Well, we can say the antagonist is Jinx

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I'm sooo bad i heard a bit of a seaon 2 important OST

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On spotify

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I skipped it after 30s or so but..

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This ost is amazing

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It was called something like "my best enemy"

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And i saw ekko and powder as kids

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Did ekko use his time travel power ?

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No spoil aaah. I need to stop thinking about it.

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I'll listen to music and meditate a bit.
Cya diary.

plush gazelle
plush gazelle
plush gazelle
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they were friends

plush gazelle
plush gazelle
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let me cut out the spoiled part

earnest pivot
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I didn't ask you to answer my questions tho

plush gazelle
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cool

plush gazelle
earnest pivot
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All good

plush gazelle
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though may I say something

earnest pivot
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I've been waiting for this season for 2 years or so, so no, i can't be spoiled now

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Say later when i watched it

plush gazelle
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ok you will know then

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cuz one info you sayying is wrong

earnest pivot
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What I said about season 1 was what I knew from information from season 1 only, for season 2 I speculated, so eventually, but don't tell me

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I'm so mad at you for spoiling me tbh

plush gazelle
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ops nothing is wrong I am dumb

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sry I got confused

earnest pivot
sharp heron
earnest pivot
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Nop, i'm too lazy to focus in learning japanese every day, it'll take me a few more years

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If this server doesn't dissapear and I'm still alive, my diary will still be there, so I'll upload my progression anyway

sharp heron
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good luck on your journey

earnest pivot
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Thank you!

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--

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Since i'll start the season 2 of Arcane when i'm back home, and i'll be home in 3 days (26 dec around 8am), it means that i have to split the episodes of season 1 to not have to wait before watching s2

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I don't want to have a day off

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So, there's today and...
Yeah that's all ? Tomorrow night is christmas i'll have no time

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Wait is it tomorrow ?

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Yeah ok

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And the day after tomorrow, i'll be driving back home so no time to watch Arcane

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It means that i can watch the 5 episodes left of s1 ?!

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It's a bad idea. I'll just watch 3 and keep 2 for when i'm back home. Or i'll be depressed by s1 ending again

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Damn i write so much about Arcane on this diary

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This is my only english diary and for some reason i like writing in english. It's way easier in french, but it's cool in english.

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That's why i write anything here.. When i think about something and don't want to write it in french, i go on this diary'

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I have a diary for animes, and i should use it, to not spam this diary who's supposed to be more 'serious' like it was before.

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Should i make a new diary on this server ? Nah it feels too much, i already spam enough'

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Imagine 2 times more messages

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It was disturbing at first to know this is a public diary and that people could eventually see everything i write. But it's been 1/2 months since i created it, and now it feels natural.

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Lol i post way too much compared to other people here, i'm crazy.

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I'd prefer to be suicidal rather than having to write all my life in multiple diaries

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My mental issue can't be healed

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Even if I could stop writing my life, I would lose a lot of effectiveness

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Writing allows me, like meditating, to order my thoughts. Even more, it allows me to delete the things i cached into my memory

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Why do i need to remember if i wrote it somewhere in a diary?

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So i can focus on remembering other things.

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For example, let's take my PhVs

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Do i remember everything i wrote ? Ofc not.

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Why would i need to remember my arguments to say ", immortality is curse "

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If someone comes irl and ask me in a few years "is immortality a curse?" I'll answer "yes it is." If he asks why, i'll have to come back to this diary and show him my arguments, because i forgot them.

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I do no need to know "why", the "why"s of my life are written here'

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For the affirmation "i can't be the leader of my clan". "Why?"
In the present i know why, but one day, eventually this information will be far, and not necessary in my life. will i remember the why ? No. My brain as i said somewhere previously, is like a computer, for some reason i can delete my memory and erase emotions. I almost never erase emotions cuz it's way too scary, but i don't mind deleting useless informations from my memory, to allow me to learn more easily.

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My brain won't reach his limit, our brain capacity as human is around 2,500GB. But imagine a disk, the more it's full, the slower it'll work. Same for my brain, i learn and think way faster and clearly when my brain only knows the important memories i need right now in my life.

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No one can realize how bad this is. It's a process your brain does automatically.
Of course, you can see this as an advantage: "My brain works faster than most people’s." But I CANNOT do without it. It's not something I can use to boost myself and think, "Yeah, it’s cool, I’m more efficient." No, I need it, or I would turn into a vegetable. This isn’t a joke.

Imagine someone who has to think about breathing in a world where oxygen is limited per individual.
Sure, it’s cool that they can regulate their breathing and save oxygen so easily. But they don’t have a choice and could die just by forgetting to breathe.
They’re more efficient than others, but it comes with a huge penalty: they can’t live a normal life and are forced to constantly think about breathing.
I can’t live a normal life either. I have to spend hours every day writing, sorting through my thoughts so I don’t go crazy, and repeating this process two or three times a day.

This diary represents just a tiny fraction of the time I spend each day working on myself, including meditation, introspection, and writing.
Don’t be mistaken—some individuals with autism are far better than you in math or art. But is their condition really a blessing?
Nope. My IQ, brain capacity, memorization skills, or any abilities I have from my brain working/understanding things so quickly, cannot compare to the feeling of being normal and living a normal life.

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What i mean by "don't go crazy" is staying human.
I think that in my normal form, the true me, the person i would be without trying to keep-

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Omg this icecream is so good

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Wait i can't even stay serious

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What is that

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I didn't even finish my sentence

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Sorry i have to eat this incredible ice cream rn

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It's this

image0.jpg
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Ok i need to buy more

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I'll produce them

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I'll create a Magnum buisness

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A country around it

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A planet made of magnum

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Ye i should stop i'm a bit tired rn

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Playing this shitty piano so much today destroyed my arms

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And wrists

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I'll go watch Arcane now

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I want to see gn diary but... I'll probably come back saying something like "woow jinx is so cool"

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"woow vi and caitlyn are so cute"

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"uhuh i'm sad Powder is dead"

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... What a predictable person i make when it comes to this serie.

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--
Cya diary.

Start of Disgression

(Don't read that part, this is not the usual me. Skip to "End of Disgression")

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I miss my brother

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Fuck off i said cya, why i write again

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Stop it

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Please, you're supposed to listen to me brain

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No way i was about to write PhV 8 on phone, at 10pm, when i'm tired, and my mind not clear.

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I should just sleep

earnest pivot
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I'm trying to convince myself it's becausei'm tired

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But it hurts in my heart

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I've never been so far from him since we started living together

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And even before

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It's too far

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I want to see him

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Why do i look like a kid when it comes to him

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Predictable for Arcane, vulnerable for my brother. Am i that weak?

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I'm supposed to have no easy weaknesses as a clan member, why am i like that.

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Arcane is not a problem, it's a serie, it doesn't exist and no one can guess i'm attached to a drawing animation. But i shouldn't be so close to T.

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It's dangerous for him

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What if he's dead ?

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He didn't answer me today

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He did this morning

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But messaged him 2h ago now

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And he hasn't answered

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Why

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He never does that

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Why does he ignores me

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Did he find someone to remplace me ? Was i just a toy for him ? Why would he teach me so much if he leaves me right after it.

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It's not something he would usually do.

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I act like a super possessive person

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But only for him, why can't a be normal.

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I don't even really care

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It's like these are deep emotions that I can't suppress.

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Objectively, these are trivial feelings

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I know it's so

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So

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So what ? I can't even think correctly.

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How can i don't find a word, it never happen.

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When i see him again i will ignore him too

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Until he begs me to talk to him again

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How dare him

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No cuddle, nothing

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He doesn't deserve anything

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What if something happened to him

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I don't care. He shouldve asked for my help in this case.

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But i'm 10h away

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So what ? I have my team there.

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Yes

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No excuses

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I'll watch Arcane

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I don't like this part of me

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It's too weak

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I need to be strong

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I'm the only person important in my life

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Focus on yourself

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If i can't be strong, i can't accord a logical value to others

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If i can't value other, i won't have any humanity left

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So i need to be strong

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What damage could i make if i lost control over myself.

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This wouldn't be a simple bad thing you see on news

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So i need to be strong.

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I can't be weak.

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I'll make a new personality without these weaknesses.

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But for now i need to watch Arcane.

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Changing myself enough to be able to call it a "new" personality, cause serious damage to my mental health.

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Let's never again mention my weaknesses in this diary

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I won't ever be vulnerable here, feelings are trivial. I hate this diary.

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I can delete it and make a new one.

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But for now, i'll watch Arcane.

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Cya diary.

End of Disgression

earnest pivot
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Watched to ep8 30m, i'm too tired to finish the episode.

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--
Goodnight diary.

gleaming breach
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oh wow, ep 8 so fast? i'm excited on your behalf for season 2 lol

earnest pivot
earnest pivot
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Hello diary

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I'm fine today

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This will be a really sad christmas

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Today my great grandma cried at the hospital because she couldn't be with us for christmas

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So it made everyone cry

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But i'm happy.

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Sorry for yesterday

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I was tired

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I said it somewhere in the beginning of this diary, but i have multiple personalities, and i can't control them when i'm tired.

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Actually this is perfect. All my defaults are in my other personalities

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I'm proud of the person i am when my mind is clear.

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Like most of the time when i write here

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I didn't study katakana today

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Btw i thought all kana's dakutens were the same but there's a difference with some

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"u" don't have a dakuten in hiragana, but in katakana ,< u" > exist and it's prononced "bu" or "vu"

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Also, the combinaisons are really hard to memorize

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Nah i'm lying i didn't even try haha

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I just saw it's different

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And assumed it's hard

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Why do I lie like that ? It came so naturally

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My brain always think everything is hard

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When, i can do everything and learn anything in 1/5 of the time it would take to anyone

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Yeah let's learn the remainkng katakanas

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I will master this language

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And go to Japan when i can.

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I'll also talk with japanese ppl online ooh this will be so cool

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I need to learn faster

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Cya diary.

earnest pivot
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There's 485 radicals to learn !!

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I thought it was smth around 100/150

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What...

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I'll probably find a way to get a WakiKani suscription

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I'm so poor

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And i need to buy a new PC, my pc is dying pretty hard rn

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It's a laptop

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I had for years.
I had to remove the battery from it

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And everything in it is slowly dying.. It won't live for long

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So I absolutly need a new computer, i cant spend money on learning a language :(

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I need money.

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I always say this, but i need money.

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I need it so bad

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It's annoying. Later i'll probably gain a lot of money each month

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Why can't i take money from my future self

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Learning skills is way easier when you're young

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I have a lot of time to do t

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Later i probably won't

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I have to learn every skill i can now. But i can't without the money i will gain later in my life, but later i won't be able to learn much skills. How can i get out of this cycle ?

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Should i really work as a developer ?

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At 15yo?

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It's hard for credibility, and i won't get paid enough

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Or i could just learn other skills that doesn't requiere any money.
There's not much skills actually requiering money.. except for instruments, you need to buy them.
But every skill that include learning, can be learned way faster by paying someone/something to learn it.

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For example, you become better at videogame way faster by paying for formations.

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Knowledge is a resource

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And each resource is paid.

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When i'll be back home, i'll dive into serious topics again.

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It just makes it harder for me right now to write complex argumentations, and think about a good grammar in my sentences

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On phone*

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  • my autocorrect literally corrects every word I write in French. It's boring haha
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It makes me delete and rewrite the word, which makes me lose track of what I was saying. And yeah, my way of writing looks like a kid's.

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Hey there Janna

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How are you doing today ❤️

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Merry Christmas Janna

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Janna I just want to say I love your writing style

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Your writing is very detailed

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Thank you

earnest pivot
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Janna you want to be a game developer?

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Probably not, i want to work in data science or AI, or something related to both

earnest pivot
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And Janna I agree with you money is time, and time is money, time is skill, this money is skill

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But Janna think about the ancient times where people did not have economy

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People had to learn skills themselves, how to trade fur, how to cook, things we take for granted Janna

earnest pivot
earnest pivot
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Janna, I am so proud of you

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You are 15 but you are so advanced for your age

earnest pivot
earnest pivot
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You have accomplished many things as a teenager that other teens your age could only dream to accomplish and I want to congratulate you on that

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You already have plans for your future

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You know I ask many kids what do you want to be when you grow up

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They answer oh I don’t know, maybe a gamer, maybe a YouTuber maybe this maybe that

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But Janna is different, Janna wants to become many different things

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Specifically data scientist and AI scientist

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Are you a guidance counselor

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That is a very high standards achievement

earnest pivot
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I just want to be a part of your diary today

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You talk like a fking pedofile

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Please keep in mind English is my 3rd language, I am sorry if my English is offending you

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That's why then

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I guess

earnest pivot
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If my English has any grammar issues please educate me on them

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My main language is actually Dutch

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Then my second language is Romanian

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Then the English

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In all respects my intention is to just reflect on your accomplishments

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And hopefully have some good chastise with you today, that is all my intention, please I am not here for I’ll-intent

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Ill intent

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You might be a cool guy and everything, but I don't want to talk to you. Your way of speaking makes me uncomfortable.

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Sorry

earnest pivot
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Good bye Janna, Merry Christmas

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Thank you, you too

earnest pivot
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Hay hay

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I forgot what i was talking about

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I'm heading to my great grandparents house rn

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I hope the dinner for christmas will be nice

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Even if the atmosphere is sad, i want to eat lol.

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I'm learning the lyrics of Aidoru by Yoasobi

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Idol if you prefer

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It's the opening of oshi no ko

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My brother said that he likes it

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So i'll sing it to him

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I’ve already finished composing something to accompany on piano.

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I like switching between violon and piano mid-song

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But violon is way harder than piano for me - and in general

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--
Humans are trivial

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How many times did i say this here

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But I hate the triviality of most humans

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People cry for Palestine

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There's 8B people on earth

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Aaah it's so hard to write on phone

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I can't argument

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Hopefully this is a diary and not a debate, i can take my time to write arguments

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I would lose any debate rn just because of my writing speed

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That someone died. What I find ridiculous is forcing people to fight when they could have a lot of potential in other domains. If Chopin had been sent to war because he was "a man," music would not be the same. Of course, there are pianists who survived the war through their skills, like pro players in esports in South Korea. They cannot go to military service. But what if their country was at war? They would be raised to kill and never able to reach their potential in those domains.

I'm a powerful monster for armies, and what they look for when they force every kid to enroll is people like me. But at what cost?

Palestinians as human beings - dying, is trivial. And I don't care about a single individual here. I'm used to death; I wouldn't even mind seeing what happens here with my own eyes. I would just be sad for all the things humanity lost with their deaths. Of course, 99% of them won't have an impact on humanity. But maybe one of them is an infant Einstein, Magnus Carlsen, or Tim Berners-Lee.

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--
People are too attached to life

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"i'm gonna suicide huhuh"
Do it ? Who cares.

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Wait

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Let me argument

earnest pivot
# earnest pivot "i'm gonna suicide huhuh" Do it ? Who cares.

Do it if you really want to do it, as an intrinsic, true, and deep feeling. If you objectively, without any emotions obstructing your judgment, want and should die.
But this will never happen—life has to be lived. I already talked about this (PhV number?: My Value on Death) or something like that.

earnest pivot
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This is not what i mean.

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Anyway if someone is stupid enough to think i think this, he has nothing to do reading this. I also talk to my future self here, please don't think this is my opinion on that.

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Just read my PhV on death again.

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--
I like scrolling here sometimes and read some posts.

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But most topics are trivial

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When it comes to suicidal, or just anything related to death, it's always stupid. At least, i didn't find a lot of valuable persons posting here.

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Valuable person to me, right.
Everyone has value for someone else.

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Here’s my opinion on the diaries here (the ones i read at least):

  • Sophie’s diary is the best overall.

  • Carla is the most mentally ill person here to me; she looks a bit like Jinx. So, of course, I like her. She has crazy problems in her life, But she seems really interesting. I would talk to her if i i knew her irl.

  • Milo’s diary can’t be considered a diary. I’d be so mad if everyone talked so much in mine.

  • Oculus’ diary is offensive. As a French person, the "chocolat strawberry croissant" offended me. 💀

  • Arlo’s diary is the most valuable to me; he has the best mind.

  • Tusharpclan’s diary is cool for motivation; he’s someone disciplined.

earnest pivot
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I want to develop more, but i don't think it's fine to write about other people here

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Some diaries mentionned here are simple diaries

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But yeah, i could offend them

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I hope Carla will be fine tho

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I hate when people ask her "are you okay"

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Fk you man, of course she's not ok. But don't ask her that.

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She's not here to talk to you about her problems. She just wants to write about her life.

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This annoy me

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There's so much people asking her that.

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She can do whatever she wants, die or not; if you want to help, read and like the post... Don't dissuade her...

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The post is tagged loneliness, so you should intervene when relevant.

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She's not mentally ill i didn't say this well

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What I mean by this is that her brain causes her to suffer more than anyone else here.
Aah, I can’t explain it properly in English.

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If my life is an action movie, her life is a drama one.

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She said that she's jealous of skilled people, people with action in their lives, and those with "normal" mental issues.
I’d also like to be her. I want to feel those emotions—jealousy, anger, sadness, even death.
Do you know the webtoon Your Throne? The two main female characters can switch bodies and live each other's lives.
If this was possible, she could live my life and have fun. She wouldn’t feel weak and could enjoy my life for a bit.
I could fix her problems and experience a normal life.

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--
I'm sorry, it's so wrong to talk about someone else like that. Anyway, there's no chance she'll ever see what I've written here.

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Yeah so let's continue

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If anyone likes my diary, they should go and read her diary.

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Ok, you know what? I’ll nickname her. I usually nickname the important people in my life, but this time it’s just because I don’t want to write her name again, so no one can figure out who I’m talking about. In 24 hours, this diary will be filled with a few hundred new messages, so no one should end up reading this.

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So, wp to anyone who found out who K is.

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In my private diary she'll be named 9, but i've never used numbers yet to nickname someone in this diary

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It would be confusing for anyone, even if i always put them in bold text

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So i will be K

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--
I gtg eat ! We're starting the 5h family dinner for christmas, yeaah...

#

They're yealing me to come rn

#

Cya diary.

earnest pivot
#

Let me introduce you to a new bold expression: Pn.
It stands for prioritar note. It’s an unbreakable rule I set for myself. As I mentioned in the first lines of my diaries, my world is shaped by my own values, and in my diaries, a Pn represents an absolute rule. I cannot go against it.

I also have this kind of promise in real life, but I can’t talk about it... If I ever use this promise with someone, like saying, "I devote myself to you," I would never be able to go against it. Of course, I’ve taken precautions to prevent any issues from arising.

And here’s my first Pn 1: If the person i nicknamed K ever discovers that she's the person i'm talking about, I won’t talk about her anymore.

First, because she might feel bad knowing someone else is talking about her, and second, because I can’t write about someone’s life while they're reading it... This is obvious.

#

--

#

Yeah for some reason i really like reading K's diary.

#

I should write other stuff for a day or 2, so everything i've written here is farr in my diary and hard to find.

#

As I mentioned in my PhV on death, I don’t care about dying, but I do value my skills and myself as a person. I think it would be sad to lose the person I am, never to be seen again, even though I don’t care whether I’m alive or dead.

There are causes or people I would die for. I would die a thousand times for my brother. I would die a million times for the well-being of anyone under my supervision (my ninjutsu gakusei and others).

If we were to attribute a value to every human based on their skills, social standing, humanity, etc., I would have a higher score than most people. This isn’t egocentric; I’m just being objective. At 15, I’m more skilled than most people in the world, at least in combat and martial arts, so that naturally carries a lot of weight.

That’s why, objectively, trading my life to save a gakusei—or anyone I care about enough to die for—might not seem worth it. But I don’t care. If I like someone, if I love someone enough, they cannot just die like that. Almost 100% of people in this world value life. There are only a few like me who don’t. That’s why someone who wants to live should be saved.

Once I’m dead, nothing will matter—my skills, my consciousness, my regrets—everything will be gone. That’s why, if I can die to save someone I love deeply or for a cause I truly value, I would.

In the end, the life that someone else values so much will be saved, and I won’t be here to regret anything.

#

--
We're gonna open the gifts

#

I forgot it was christmas

#

Brb diary.

earnest pivot
#

I'll change my strategy for next christmas

#

I only ask for money instead of gifts

#

And my sister always get more value of gift than me 😭😭

#

My mom didn't give me my gifts rn, it's home so we'll do christmas when we're back home.

#

I thought we would do christmas in 2 hours, since it's just 10pm

#

But i think everyone is tired and want to sleep early.

#

I got €150 and my sister got a tablet and a new phone

#

So i'll adapt my strategy.

#

What can i do with €150 😭😭

#

I know there's people who cannot have any gift for christmas and i might look like a person not grateful of what I have.

#

But we're not from the same world, everyone has his problems, and money should not be a problem in my life. if my family branch didn't separate from my clan, I would be rich. And it's the strict minimum to live correctly in my world.

#

Imagine living in a monarchy from the past, being a duke, but having no money... Of course, being rich shouldn't be a problem in your life, because money is the bare minimum to survive in this world.
I need money.

#

I don't care so much about money actually. It would just allow me to get what i want without doing anything bad.

#

I could steal everything I need, threaten the life of a WaniKani developer to get a free subscription... but is that really a solution? Lol. It goes against the values I’ve set for myself. I need to stay normal and act like a regular human. If I start down the wrong path, I might not be able to stop. The only reason I don't kill people, live my life however I want, or just do anything illegal, is because of a value I set for myself — those two little words I promised never to betray: 'Remain human.' My humanity is fragile. If I didn’t have the ability to create rules for myself, I’d be a danger to society.

But I’m not!! Don’t worry, I’m normal because I can do this. Keeping my humanity is as difficult as doing your homework. Yeah, it’s hard to start, but once you begin, you can’t stop until it’s done. To lose my humanity would take an insane effort, like betraying my values. And that should never happen.

#

Mhh the comparaison is not good enough, i look even more crazy

#

How dare i say that K has some mental issues when i'm like this.

#

Btw, people give too much importance to words like 'weird,' 'mentally ill,' and 'eccentric.' Remember, all these words are based on societal norms. If most people were psychopaths, being a psychopath would be normal, and not being one would be considered a mental issue.

earnest pivot
#

I need my other diaries ...

#

There's topics i can't talk about here

#

Yeah, there are even worse topics than the ones I talk about here, lol.

#

If i had my pc right now, i would talk about S

#

Because a lot happened recently

#

I got her number and we talk often.

#

But i'm on phone and it's too slow to write

#

I have a few serious topics to write on once i'm back home

#

First, i need to finish my reflexion on the FoL A

#

Then, I want to present a debate I had with a friend at school (in math class lmao):
".... ...... ..... ..... ... .... ....... .... ... . ..........?"
My answer to this is "no."
My friend thinks "yes." So I'll summarize how our debate went

#

Damn my phone battery is 1%

#

If I stop writing you know why

earnest pivot
#

So this is another disgression... And it'll end when my phone dies.

#

....., .....'. . ..... ....? .. .. ......... . ........ ....'. .... .. ......... .. .......... ...... . ..'.. ... . .......... ........, "....." .. . ..... .. ........

#

... .. ......... ... .... .. .. ..... ....? .. ..... .........., .... .... ......... ...... ... ....... .... .. ....... .. ........ ... .... .... ....... ....... .... ......... .... .......... ....... .... ...... ... .......... .. .... ... ....... .. ... ... ........ ..

#

.... ...... .......... .. . .......... ..... ... .... ... ... ....... ... .......... .. .. (...'.. ...... .. .. ...)

#

... ..... .. ..... .... ..... ......... .. ... ...... .. ... .......

#

.. ..... ..... ........ .......... ..... . ....... .. .......

earnest pivot
#

Nvm, i don't want to share my opinion on this topic

#

What I did here is called sabotage in the vocabulary of my diaries.

#

It allows me to keep the count of characters i wrote, while supressing the text.

#

Maybe it could be possible in the future to analyse how i write with an AI, and predict what words are used based on how long the words are.

#

But this is not just replacing a character by a point

#

I use a special algorithm I made. This text is far more encrypted than any secret transmission...

#

It's not hard to make lol.

#

Go on python, write a function to replace each character by a point, with the probably of X to be written, 0 times, Y to be written 1 time, and Z to be written 2 times.
X+Y+Z must be equal to 1.
Then, make a function to get these probabilities, based on random phenomenes like the oil lamps, and atom fissions. (You can find librairies in python to get them in direct).
Then use the random library to mix up these values, with a seed equal to a sequence of characters.

#

This sequence of character is what i have to memorize to encode my text

#

I can say how long it is, since i have different codes for everything i encode... And this encoding is used for useless things

earnest pivot
#

It's ..... characters long

#

Yeaah i know, it's a lot'

earnest pivot
#

I'm eating one again

earnest pivot
#

I just learn to talk like that in english

#

Ppl on games and on internet in general used a lot "omg" when i learned English as a kid

#

Now it's mostly for kids i'd say

#

But it became natural in my vocabulary...

#

I don't say "oh mon dieu" in french. (Oh my god).

earnest pivot
#

No i can't give any more information

#

Imagine later, i'm someone important (for negative or positive actions), and encrypted super private datas that people want to have.

#

They find this diary

#

And they can remove millions of possible codes just because i gave informations on it

earnest pivot
#

If I say that the code has more than x characters, it would eliminate 62^x possibilities. I say 62 because it’s the number of alphanumeric characters. But mine might not be alphanumeric… Or is it? Who knows.

So, if we assume that my encoding sequences are alphanumeric, and if I say that a sequence is (let me pick a random number) more than 26 characters long, then someone trying to decrypt it won’t try any combination with fewer than 26 characters. This means they won’t have to try 62^26 combinations. To help understand this better, here’s the number of combinations it represents:

40 011 416 521 957 771 768 583 402 001 326 885 379 751 542 784 combinations.

If we take a regular computer, or even a quantum computer, which will soon be capable of complex calculations, it would take 1.33 x 10^37 seconds (133 followed by 37 zeros).

For comparison, the universe is 4.3 x 10^17 seconds old. Yeah, do you realize that?

Want more? Telling someone that my sequence is more than 26 characters long would save them 31 016 601 955 506 026 000 000 times the time elapsed since the beginning of our universe.

So, I won’t tell a number… Haha.

#

--
I didn't say a number, but you read a bit this diary, you can imagine that i can learn very long sequences... Or didn't I ? I can't give infos so let's stop talking about this

#

Btw i know 1k digits of pi

#

I learned it in math class last year

#

It took me a few weeks since i was more sleeping than learning

#

But i forgot. I made a video of myself recite them, i do not need to know them anymore.

#

Once something is useless in my memory, it should be erased

#

Aaah i'm tired

earnest pivot
#

There's a serious topic

#

Then i cute it by talking about a random ice-cream i'm eating

#

Then we go on math calculation

#

And the next step is me crying over Arcane, but i'm too tired to watch it

#

I really need a way to save my diary'

#

Imagine if this server gets deleted

#

This shouldn't happen

#

But i need to save it. The more i write, the more i'm attached to it

#

I save my other diaries every month or so

#

(the ones I write the most on)

#

I'll ask chatgpt how to save it'

#

Wait we can use the discord api on our client directly ?!

#

Whatttt

#

Since when discord

#

Do you know how hard it was for the 7 years old me to write my first discord bot ??

#

If you told me i could do that...

#

Yeah so it should be insanely easy if this works...

#

This is broken !! It means that i can have my client as a discord bot in every server

#

You can log every message

#

That means that every message you post, might be logged by some random people using their account as message logger.

#

Damnn

#

I'll be aware of that if i write about important things i could want to delete

earnest pivot
#

My eyes are dying rn

#

Watching a screen in the dark burn them

#

t

#

t

#

t

#

t

#

3500 messages ! Nice.

#

K i'll hate you if you die

#

So don't make me hate you

#

You're someone very interesting

#

You're fragile

#

And trivial

#

But you are one of my exceptions

#

It makes me want to take care of you

#

You're a human, not a puppy, so don't lower yourself to the pity of another.

#

Are you happy that i think that of you ?

#

You don't feel anything because you will never read that, even if you do, you won't know it's you haha.

#

I had to write a bit so the messages where i say your name are further and harder to find

#

I think she's like 12/13

#

Or i might be wrong

#

She could become someone i appeeciate later

#

I don't like younger people, as friend or lover

#

If you know me enough''' you might say and youlre right "since when you care about societal things like age in relationship?"

#

I do not care at all

#

It's just that young ppl zre not mature enough

#

Even me, i'm not mature enough

#

My brain isn't developed enough

#

But i found a person younger than me, and near my maturity, i would like them

#

Or someone like K, or S

#

K is weak and too young, so no

#

I want to be weak too

#

But not as who i qm

#

If i was weak with the life i live, i would be dead'

#

It's a dream i cannot imagine.

#

I'm jealous of these people.

#

No i don't have such feelings, i'm just trying to act normal

#

I wish I could feel jealousy.

#

Does my mental issues come from my lifestyle ? Or myself as a human.

#

I do not know.

#

She needs affection

#

I don't know why anyone need affection from someone they don't truly love.

#

She don't like this girl

#

When you're really down in your life, someone's little affection can light up your life, and you mistake gratitude for love.
Do you love your mom? Nope, we won't dive into this topic at 2 am. But you don't love your mom, it's gratitude. Believe it or not, I'm too tired to write a 1500-word dissertation on this right now. I probably will later.

#

So yeah, she don't love this girl

#

What a trivial and primitive human reaction to misinterpret everything as love

#

If you were a little more mature I would probably talk to you K

#

You do not need help

#

You need to grow up

#

So stay alive, you can die later, once you're sure that you want to die. You can't take this decision rn

#

Idc of you're sure rn

#

Your opinion doesn't matter

#

Your future self opinion does

#

Bur you can't talk to it

#

So you have to live enough to take its opinion.

#

Yeah it's hard and boring

#

But do it

#

-- this was what i'd like to tell her

#

But i can't lol

#

She doesn't care about me or my opinion.

#

Like i wouldn't care about someone doing the same thing to me.

#

Why is there bells ringing omfg

#

It's been 20 minutes

#

STOP IT

#

Jesus would be mad if you interupted his sleep with so much ringing

#

Ohhh it stopped, thank you

#

I think the church heard me

#

Was their goal to wake the dead?

#

This is not Solo Leveling

#

I am spamming this diary way too much

#

It'll be better once i'm back home and have access to my other diaries

#

I don't like such unordered writing

#

I got to sleep, tomorrow I won't sleep... We drive for 10 hours at night, and I need to talk to my mom so she doesn't fall asleep while driving.

#

Damnn you're not ready for tomorrow diary, my thougts will be even more confused

#

I'll probably be vulnerable again

#

Without sleep I still need to force myself to do my homeworks... (Related to what I've written about my humanity previously)

#

That's why I'm vulnerable

#

If i didn't try to "stay normal", I would be fine when tired lol

#

But having emotions costs me a bit of effort, and these efforts are more significant when I'm tired.

earnest pivot
#

I'm normal because i do a little effort to feel emotions

#

If I don't do this, I feel nothing (except for fear of my memory delete capacity, and aversion for some humans)
So i do this little effort

#

But it's really little !

#

It's like doing homeworks

#

I like emotions

#

Feelings

#

Being sad and happy

#

Crying over Arcane

#

And yes i really love Arcane

#

And my brother

#

I don't simulate any emotion

#

Nothing is fake, it's not that deep

solid marlin
earnest pivot
#

It's like I have a switch, and once in my life, I could turn off my emotions. After doing it, the switch breaks, and I can never turn my emotions back on because I wouldn’t want to.
This is obvious, think about it—if you lose your feelings, why would you want them back? Desire is a feeling, and you can't feel the desire to feel happy or sad again. Without feelings, you're 50 times more efficient. Not laziness, nothing to hold you back. I would also lose my need to write in a diary.
Do you get that to keep me in the light, I need to write 5 hours a day in my diaries, meditate for half my sleep, do introspection, think about philosophical questions, and more? Yeah. --- Nope, I'm taking a shortcut here, this is a sophism. As I said, staying in the light is as hard as doing homework. Meditation, diaries, and so on are necessary to sort my thoughts because my brain is lost, so no, this has nothing to do with my emotionless button.

So, I'm normal, with the little mental issue of having to write my life. This won’t change. It's like saying, 'A president is a murderer because he could cause a genocide with the nuclear weapons button he has.'
You can't say, 'Janna is an emotionless robot that simulates feelings, because she could suppress her emotions by pressing an "anti-emotion" button.'
Of course, the president won’t (maybe not for Putin), and I won’t.

earnest pivot
#

--

#

I experience emotions like anyone would feel them. It's the same for me, it's just that i could choose to not experience them.

#

Okay this is the best summerizatiok sentence on tjis topic i''venwritten

#

I forgot how to write i'm tired

solid marlin
#

No worry

#

It's fine

#

I can read it

earnest pivot
earnest pivot
solid marlin
#

What are the consequences of you choosing to not experience the emotions?

earnest pivot
#

It depends on what emotion,.sorry i've never talked with someone about that. Mhhh

solid marlin
earnest pivot
#

If it's related to a person, i will stop feeling any affection for him

solid marlin
#

Hm, right , that could be described as one particular consequence i guess

earnest pivot
#

It happened when i tried to not experience weird emotions i had toward someone

earnest pivot
solid marlin
earnest pivot
#

I said that experiencing them was as hard as doing homework, if i choose to not experience an emotion, it'll be like passing a test, if i do it again, learning a language, and so on.
If i do it too much i can't have emotions anymore (in theory)

earnest pivot
solid marlin
#

Oh by the way

#

Can i ask some questions?

earnest pivot
#

It's not so easy

solid marlin
#

No not those questions

earnest pivot
solid marlin
#

What does "drawback", and "convenient" mean?

earnest pivot
#

What?

old kettle
#

Emotions often arise in response to something we feel deeply, whether it's a thought, situation, or memory... It can be helpful to identify what that initial feeling is, as it can give more clarity on how to navigate or process the emotions that follow. What do you think might be the core feeling behind your current emotions?

solid marlin
old kettle
#

convenience is about making life easier, faster, and more efficient, while inconvenience tends to feel like unnecessary hassle or struggle..

solid marlin
#

Is there a rule R , that can act on thoughts itself to produce outputs of "convenient" or "inconvenient"

#

I'm asking in specific case here*

#

That's why i'm asking you @earnest pivot

earnest pivot
#

I tried i swear

#

I'll answer tomorrow

solid marlin
earnest pivot
#

You should come back, your opinion looks interesting

solid marlin
earnest pivot
# solid marlin What is considered convenient and what is not considered convenient?

Do you ask me what’s convenient or not about my mental issue?
I’d say that I’m always my true self. Most people aren’t truly themselves because they’re influenced by societal norms or are simply lying to themselves. But for me, since I can analyze each emotion and (at least unconsciously) choose whether to feel it or not, I always remain authentic.

On the other hand, I need to make an effort to feel emotions. I guess you just discovered me by reading a few messages here, but the inconvenience doesn’t stop at 'not feeling emotions.' Humans, to me, are objectively so trivial and weak. The only emotion I can feel, if I choose to not experience any, would be aversion to humanity. And anyone in my case would. (Of course, I like humans; I’m talking about if I choose to avoid feelings too much.)

I'd be a danger to society and could kill a lot of people just because I’d think it’s for a good cause. This is horrifying to think about; you can't imagine how scary it is to think that your brain could be convinced of such an absurd thing. It's something that’ll never to you happen since you don’t have this issue, but I could. If I wanted to, I could. And that's scary. Of course, I won’t do it, but when it's possible, it's even scarier.

So the inconveniences are high compared to the conveniences. I’d like to feel weak and overwhelmed by emotions, having suicidal thoughts and normal problems too. This is paradise compared to what I live. But people in those cases will say that MY problems are paradise. So yeah, everything is subjective.

#

--
Was this what you asked for?

solid marlin
#

Like to see my mistakes. Certain engineering methods fail, some people need to learn to accept that for the sake of my ideology.

solid marlin
solid marlin
earnest pivot
#

Oh, okay

#

But that's what i had to answer

solid marlin
#

Yes

earnest pivot
#

So now i'll to go sleep

solid marlin
#

Bye

earnest pivot
#

--

--
Goodnight diary.

gleaming breach
#

Hey @earnest pivot, Merry Christmas :)

earnest pivot
earnest pivot
#

Hello diary.

#

Sorry Sam if you read this, i don't want to answer now, it's a bit too much of a serious topic at 11:40am.

#

--

#

I didn't sleep a lot tonight

#

I should've went to sleep without answering anyone

#

With this man doing propaganda for his R theory

#

I have a problem with my eyes, they get tired quicker

#

Yeaah i know i'm not perfect

#

Is it surprising ? If you read my diary and trust my words, i look almost perfect, but ofc i'm human.

#

My body is a prison to me

#

Biological limits are my limits

#

Anyway,,
This problem exist because I got injured at my eyes when I was a kid

#

At a ninjutsu tournment (yeah again)

earnest pivot
#

There was this popular technique at the time—unfair, but undeniably overpowered.
It was a dangerous move often used in big tournaments where severely injuring your opponent wasn’t much of an issue, as long as you secured the win. The technique? Spitting cyanide into your opponent’s eyes. Yeah...

It happened during my first club tournament. In our clan, we don’t have ranks until we participate in one. Our rank is determined by how high we can climb in the rankings, as well as our techniques, authenticity, skills, versatility, consistency, etc.

This fight was important—it was our chance to prove ourselves. My opponent used this technique. It involved having cyanide in their mouth, stored in something similar to an Ooho water ball, which was inside a capsule originally designed for cyanide suicides in the past. The capsule was hidden in their tooth.

During the fight, they crushed it and spat the cyanide into my eyes. Of course, I lost. It burned—more than lava. But I couldn’t scream or cry because that wasn’t allowed. I had to treat my eyes myself since going to the hospital wasn’t an option.

I have a strong resistance to poison (don’t worry, I’ll explain why and how later), but my eyes couldn’t be immune—there’s no blood in them, after all. My blood is resistant to poison, not my eyes. So yeah, my eyes eventually healed, but now they burn and ache whenever I’m tired.

That said, I still have better vision than most people. It didn’t really change.

earnest pivot
#

We're eating family dinner again soo
Cya diary.

earnest pivot
#

Hay hay

#

Wait, i'm gonna review all kanas and radicals i know rq

earnest pivot
#

Kana combinaisons add so much time to my practice

#

It's not hard, it just takes more time to read for me

#

For example, for"jyu", so: shi" + yu
I need to think "the dakuten of shi is ji, and with yu, it's jyu".
This will probably take me less time in the future, but for now it takes like 10s

#

Well, jyu is the most complex combinaison lol

#

It takes 4/5s for other

#

So from now, i'll only practice kanas + dakutens without combinaisons.

#

Btw WakiKani is so annoying. It stops me from learning more because i need to put them in my "long term memory"

#

But mann, my brain learn fast

#

Just let me learn

#

I can learn 50 radicals per day and don't forget them

#

Let me learnnn

earnest pivot
#

Remember i even sent a video of my speed to remember the katakans

#

So yeah i can learn more.

#

Alr i found a way to increase it

earnest pivot
#

My great grandma opened her gifts

#

It was nice to see

#

I learned half of Idol - Yaosobi

#

I finally did the kunaï move i wanted to do.

#

Aah it's so far, i can't find the message

#

It was just 3 days ago, how much messages did i write here in only 3 days lol

#

It's fine, i know what i'm talking about.

earnest pivot
#

But now i can do it

#

I didn't try to do the full move yet, i'm not home, i can't just throw my kunaïs in a wall lol

#

And it could hurt someone

#

--
There's sun where i am

#

It's christmas but it's so hot

#

In 13 hours i'll be home, and it'll snow.

#

I like the rain, I don't like the snow.

#

Raining is my favorite time.

#

Sound is the easiest way to get in a meditation state

#

To meditate in a car thzt drives, I use headphones to play different music in each ear and try to focus on both at the same time—but not too much. The goal is to be "in between" the two sounds. Eventually, my consciousness enters a kind of "resonance" state. It's hard to explain, but it feels like my awareness is swaying between the two tracks. Do you know 8D music? When you listen to it, it feels like the music is surrounding you. Now imagine that, but as if you were really drunk or on drugs. That’s how I feel.

solid marlin
#

I wish that was the case actually

#

But no

#

I don't have any R-theory

solid marlin
#

You stated as if i surely don't

#

But i wouldn't be so sure about that

#

Well of course i can also give a little bit of support on ocassion , even if your problem ends up being of completely different nature than my "problem"

earnest pivot
#

I don't need support don't worry

#

I also don't want to support anyone, I'm here to write, that's all

solid marlin
#

I'm fine with that

#

The notion of "being truly themselves" is a little bit ambiguous , so i can't say much here, altrough i suppose that under my interpretation on the meaning of these words, i would say that then i do relate to what you have said, and i do feel like i'm "truly myself"

#

However i mean it literally

#

That is , i physically do feel like that

#

(Under my interpretations again , since still ambiguous) I don't relate to the rest of what you said for a while , till it gets to the part about aversion to humanity

#

You could say that a certain less severe version of "aversion to humanity" would apply to me in some sense

earnest pivot
#

yeah and I feel aversion to you for interrupting my diary like that

solid marlin
#

Oh alright

earnest pivot
#

Only @gleaming breach can do that

solid marlin
#

I will let you continue then

#

My bad for intrusion

earnest pivot
#

Dm me if you want to talk about this

earnest pivot
earnest pivot
# earnest pivot To meditate in a car thzt drives, I use headphones to play different music in ea...

When I reach this state, I focus on "maintaining" it. It’s very unstable and can collapse if I’m not careful. Having a meditation state collapse is really bad. I’ve developed the skill to avoid leaving meditation too suddenly (you can read more about this in my FoL A). Exiting too quickly is like waking up a sleepwalker. Most of the time, it just leaves you confused, but in rare cases, it can harm your brain.

Once I stabilize this state, it feels like a lucid dream, but with access to my memory. In a regular lucid dream, you can’t access most of your memories because of certain restrictions. That’s why you usually don’t remember your dreams unless you wake up during them—they’re stored in a kind of "cache" that gets erased rather than being saved in long-term memory.

In this lucid dream with memory access, I visualize everything as small boxes. Each box contains emotions, memories, or thoughts, and I can lock or unlock them. The bigger the box, the harder it is to lock or unlock because its size represents how important or heavy it is in my life. For example, I cannot visualize my "humanity." It’s strange to even describe this, but "humanity" isn’t just one feeling or thought. It’s the combination of all the boxes, forming a bigger concept. Boxes that are related go inside larger "category" boxes. For example, "Love" and "Friendship" would be in a larger box labeled "Feelings." So, humanity should be the box that contains everything, but I can’t see it.

When I tried to visualize it once, my brain hurt a lot, and I woke up screaming in pain. I haven’t tried again since.

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The lock/unlock process works as it sounds. I can lock or unlock memories and emotions. I mentioned this yesterday when I talked about experiencing or not experiencing emotions. If I lock a box containing an emotion, I stop feeling it. But if I try to lock larger categories containing multiple boxes, I risk locking important things by accident or overwhelming my brain’s capacity. It’s like a computer overheating—random boxes might lock or unlock on their own.

That’s why, during meditation, I spend a lot of time locking and unlocking boxes carefully, making sure the "locks" are secure. (The "lock" and "combination" are metaphors—it’s not literal.)

At the end of the day, when I meditate, I enter this state to sort everything that happened. It’s like organizing a messy room. I place each feeling and thought in the right box, but during this process, I experience the feelings much more intensely—like 10 times stronger. However, it’s not exactly "feeling" them. Sad emotions translate into brain pain, almost like the information has sharp edges piercing my brain as I sort it into the correct box. Happy emotions release dopamine, which helps me focus more.

I’ve tried to control my dopamine directly, but unfortunately, I can’t. I’m just human.

I'll finish later, I'll play piano rn.

gleaming breach
earnest pivot
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Fak

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It's fine

gleaming breach
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mhm

earnest pivot
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Who dare copy your name

gleaming breach
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lmao. no name is unique enough these days Sadge

earnest pivot
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True

earnest pivot
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We'll be there in 10 hours or so.
It's been 0 hours already.

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I'm just retaking the same format

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But yeah ! I'm driving back home.

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Something happened at the hospital

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You won't believe me, but i don't care haha

earnest pivot
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I was playing the piano (specifically an arrangement I made of Idea 1). When I finished, as usual, people clapped and told me it was beautiful. I smiled and thanked them.

But then, a man came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder to congratulate me. I have nothing against people who are tactile, but I don’t like being touched without my consent—though I’d easily give it if someone asked. Why does it bother me? Because it’s my body, my rules. You don’t have the right to touch me without permission.

Anyway, I thanked him for his comment. Then he asked me to play some Beethoven. I don’t know much Beethoven, but I played Fur Elise, starting from the less-known section. While I was playing, he put his other hand on my shoulder.

At that point, I tried to get my little sister’s attention. She was playing games on her tablet since she was with me. The rest of my family was visiting my great-grandma, but my sister is a bit sick, and we didn’t want her to risk infecting my great-grandma, who just survived cancer (yeah, she survived! I didn’t know, but she’s not dying—she beat it!).

Anyway, I finally got my sister’s attention she made a disgusted face lol. I stopped playing and asked the man, gently, to take his hands off me. He got mad and asked, “Why?” in an aggressive tone.

Honestly, Fuck this, I was on 4h of sleep and had no patience for this kind of human trash. If it weren’t for the fact we were in a hospital, He would've lost his ulnar, radial, and median nerves. This man should not be able to use his hands anymore.

When he refused, I turned around and keylocked his finger. He screamed a bit, and everyone started looking at us. I quickly said, “Sorry, his finger got stuck in my vest zipper.”

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Then I whispered to him, “You’re lucky my sister is watching. Don’t touch me ever again.”

... But this is not a movie, and he didn't got scared, sadly. He started getting mad, yelling things like, “What are you saying?! How dare you threaten an adult?!”

The situation was about to get out of control, so I grabbed my sister, and we went back to my parents. I didn’t want to cause trouble over something so stupid...

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I love how people think they're powerful and protected. If my sister wasn't there I would've at least break one of his arm for this. At least, the bare minimum. Fuck this kind of humans.

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To be real, I don't really care about someone touching me like that, but to stay normal, it should brother me. If he did this to my sister he wouldve been dead

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So i need to be mad when it's toward me also

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Imagine if someone loves me as i do for my sister

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He would be mad that someone touches me

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By respect for this person's feelings, I can't accept it myself.

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Before being respected, respect yourself.

earnest pivot
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You might think I’m being excessive by saying someone should "die" for such a reason.

This gives me the chance to talk about how I value people.

I don’t care about the life of someone I don’t value. For example, when someone writes a message in my diary, they’re a stranger to me. So, they start with a base value. This value can increase or decrease very quickly based on their first few messages. Everyone does this unconsciously, but I do it consciously.

If someone has no value to me, I might seem super aggressive or mean. But it’s just because I don’t value them or their opinion. I don’t have time to give to people who hold no value for me.

Now, it’s not as bad as it sounds. Most people are normal and have a neutral value to me, so it’s rare for me to act extremely mean toward someone. For example, imagine someone writes something stupid or irrelevant in a book you’re working on. You’d be mad, right? Since you don’t know that person, the only thing you know about them is that they damaged your work. So, you wouldn’t assign any positive value to them.

This is why I get mad when someone writes random nonsense or uses my diary as a venting space. Honestly, I do my best not to insult or dox them. Seriously, why even have access to the internet if your goal is to annoy people? I can block yours.

Don’t get me wrong—anyone can share their opinion here if it’s valuable. Not "I think," but "I know." I don’t care if you’re wrong, as long as you come with reasoning and facts, not vague opinions. That’s how you become valuable to me.

You can also gain value by being an interesting person, even if it’s just casual conversations about non-serious topics. If you’re fun to talk to, I’ll enjoy interacting with you.

But if your first messages to me are just you writing about your life or venting your problems, when I don’t even know or value you yet—just shut up. Also, consider this a warning: if something bad happens as a result, it’s on you.

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I should add this message at the beginning of my public diaries.

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Well, i just have one for now lol

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.... . . . . .. .... .. . . . .... . . . . . .. . . . . .... ... .. . . ... . . .... .. . . ... .... . . . . .. . ... . .. . ... . . ... .. . . . .... .. . . . .... .. . . . . . . . . .... . . . . .... .. . . .

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We'll be there in 9 hours or so.
It's been 1 hours already.

Btw, I can't send any non alphanumeric characters here

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I think this is because the server is a community server

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It also means that you can write non-alphanum characters with enough permissions

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If this was a 2k less member server i would just ask an admin

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But i'm no one here

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Hierarchies also work on discord servers (read my PhV 7 : "Power & Hierarchy")

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For you random discord user, a mod on a server is just a random guy with permissions

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But i value responsabilities and power.

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Here, I have no power

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I have to find a solution

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My diaries are too important to me. I found a way to save this one (yesterday topic), but I need to be able to write everything

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I can't even send japanese here.

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It's annoying

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The owner has all the power here, I will never talk to him since I would be a random person to him.

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I can't use any threats, I don't want to get banned. After this much time, I like this place.

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I can't get in the staff on this account, because of my diary, and probably my age.

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First, let me find if this is a restriction from my roles, or by the channel only.

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It will be much easier to ask for a channel permission change than to negotiate for me to have my own role that has this permission allowed.

olive raptor
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Hello @earnest pivot , if you have any questions regarding permissions you can always use #contact-staff !

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(Also you arent a random, i read these from time to time)

earnest pivot
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Damn

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That was unexpected

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Thank you ! I'll do that.
And thank you for reading

earnest pivot
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There's no way they say yes to my request

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It's okay, I'll find a way to turn this request into something else, like a reward

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Why would anyone lose their time over someone else request when they have nothing to gain

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Humans are not so alstruistic

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We'll be there in 7 hours or so.
It's been 2.5 hours already.

Idk what to do

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7 hours left....

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Will i write for the next 7 hours ?

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Probably

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I just need to talk to my mom and do my wakikani reviews

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I can't watch anime or read or meditate rn, my mom need to talk to someone so she din't fall sleep driving

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Ohh!! I said I will explain why I have some resistance to poison

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Is this even a story I can write here ?

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I wanted to describe everything but I'll stay simple

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As I mentioned before, my family branch split from the main branch of the previous leaders of my ninjutsu clan. According to the clan's rules, since I'm blood-related to him, they have the right to take me away from my family when I'm a child and test me until they decide whether I can return to my family or stay with them.

However, that’s not what happened. As a child, I chose to be part of the clan. From a young age, we were trained to resist non-lethal poisons and develop tolerance to lethal ones. It might sound cool, but it's pure pain. You ingest a small dose of poison every few days. Your eyes turn red, and you vomit blood. And don’t forget that you still have to attend training and win tournaments, as well as survive in a hostile environment...

I can't describe more—it’s not for everyone, it’s gory.

In the end, my immune system is much stronger than average, and poison doesn’t affect me anymore. However, I’m still human, and there are poisons that even the strongest immune systems can’t resist. But small doses/poisons just taste bitter and don’t have any effect on me

Soo! I want to share my first experience with alcohol: yesterday on Christmas

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Remember K? In her diary, she talks sometimes about alcohol and how she's bad when she drinks it. I wanted to try, but for me, it would have no effect..

It was when I said, "I’m going to eat family dinner," and there was some alcohol on the table. I asked my mom, and she said it was okay to try.

It was DISGUSTING. How can people drink that? One tasted like bitter brown (wine), and the other was like a volcano erupting, it burned my mouth..wtf is this?

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Alcohol is so bad

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I still have no review to do, or any new lessons... Wakikani !!! Give me kanjis to learn

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I learned 50 kanjis myself

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I'll end up learning all the kanjis of the free levels of wakikani

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So i'll have to pay for more :(

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With my poor non-existent bank account

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We'll be there in 6 hours or so.
It's been 3.5 hours already.

Idk what to do

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Aaah I have a huge headache

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K's mental state looks better

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Not perfect and she still talk about ending her life, but I see talking about it, better than doing it

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I hope you're not stupid enough to really do this cupcake

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But I won't help you; You wouldn't even accept my help. If you're strong enough to stay alive, I'll value you even more.

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Do you think someone helped me to get to the point I am today ?

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My greatest help was myself. you can see it by how much I talk to myself in this diary.

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You're weak, so weak. It's annoying. But you have value. Stay alive.

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You can become someone good.

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Good based on what? Good for me. That should be enough for you to live. It's not so hard to stay alive.

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I saw that you got hurt by a random person opinion on your diary

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So you care about random opinion

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Then, care about mine.

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Btw can you accept so much people giving their opinion on your life ?

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Do you see anyone annoying me with their stupid opinion on this diary? Nop i told them to shut up

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You should also realize that there's people not worth in this world

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You're the only person truly valuable in your life. Accord to others a value based on yourself.

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Give everyone a chance

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Anyone deserve at least 1 chance. You cannot judge a person you haven't talked to

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1/2 sentences at least.

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That's how i know if someone deserves my attention or not.

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You do not want to listen to what I say

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Or do you value me?

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If I have no value in your eyes, then stop reading my diary forever.
If I do, my words should reach you.

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Hahaha i look so serious while singing and dancing in the car over funk music with my family 😭

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Songs like that with the giga speakers we have in the car

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I prefer phonk, but funk is cool too

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Phonk just looks like recent funk with more bass

earnest pivot
# earnest pivot

I'd like to send it so you can listen to it without downloading but i can't, sry diary.
Though, on pc, maybe you can listen to it.

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We'll be there in 4 hours or so.
It's been 4.5 hours already.

It went faster with the small amount of car on the road, so it's only 4h left

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I'm so so tired.

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Idk how much time I said this today

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Let me sleeep

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I need keep my mom awake so I can't

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I'm gonna die

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Once i'm back home I'll write more in my other diaries, so this one will become a secondary diary again

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Nah too lazy to detail

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This is enough

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When my brain reaches its limit, it starts going into survival mode

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But my limits would be if I stay 100h more awakened lol

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I'm used to sleep privation

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It just makes it harder for me to experience emotions (topic i talked about yesterday and this morning)

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So yah it's hard to write in a diary when I'm tired, and be truly me.

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I can regret talking about a topic or another when I didn't sleep a lot

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So I avoid diving in these topics at night

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My eyes burn

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I can write and talk to my mom my eyes closed this is not a problem.

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But it burns a lot

earnest pivot
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Ok ok wait

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Why oshi no ko ost are so good?

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I need to learn them all on piano

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To learn them quicker I won't make my own arrangment

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Just learn a good one

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I can modify it later

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This will be ofc the first i learn

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I like the part near the end.
And yeah the chorus.

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It's not so hard so I'll be able to learn it quick

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If I'm motivated to practice at least

earnest pivot
# earnest pivot

From the chorus it's well arranged, buy i'll probably change it before the chorus, it doesn't sound as good as some arr.

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And the second I'll learn is fatal, the OP from season 2.

earnest pivot
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But I'm not really happy of what Animenz did with idol. He's always the best when it comes to anime composition but it's not so good here

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I'm waiting for him to arrange Fatal tho.

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I don't want to write

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But i want to write.
Wait let me explain

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At home, I can just talk, and my AI removes everything unnecessary I say, like "um." It slightly reformulates what I say using my writing style, so I can write about my life just by talking.

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It only works in french since I've written thousand of thousand of messages in french on my diaries and I use it as context for how to reformulate.

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I'm gonna sleep

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I need it

waxen kraken
earnest pivot
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There's insane fog outside

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I was almost sleeping and I hear my mom saying "oh fuckk" (in french)

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Woow i've never seen so much fog

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You can't drive faster than 80

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When there's a car in the other direction, it feels like we're in the sun

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I'm gonna sleep again

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Maybe my mom will crash

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I have faith in her, comon you'll do it

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It's a you problem

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I'm strong enough to survive a crash

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But let me sleep 💀

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Here's what we see. Fog.isn't.visible on my photos due to poor phone quality

IMG_20241225_225308611.jpg
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Imagine driving at 130 seeing this haha

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We need to drive slow.

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Back to sleep

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Cya diary.

earnest pivot
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Ofc not

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There's my sister in this car

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It was humor

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I don't want to lose more vacation bcz someone's dying

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No no wait

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I mean

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I don't want anyone to die

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Yeah I'm too tired

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My brain doesn't process emotions well anymore

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Cya diary x2.

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She's talking on phone with her lover

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Let me sleep in peacr

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Let me sleep in peace

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Let me sleep in peace

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I want to skeep

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D'fkgkeizl

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Fuck this

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I hate

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Everything

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No

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Idk

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Aaaah

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If i die in this fog no one will find me

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Bruh fog is not permament

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I need to meditate

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It's not even about sleeping because i won't sleep when i get home

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I'll just meditate

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But i can't

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The car shakes too mucj

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And my head hurt too much to liste to music and force entry to the meditation state

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It's only 11pm but

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Remember yesterday when I stzyed up until 3am?

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I didn't sleep well tonight

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Me from 19h ago; you're stupid.

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Azsh you're lucky I cant see you rn

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How dare you put me in this situation

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Hahaha

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Well, looks like my diary got another disgression chapter

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My eyes burn

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my vision is blurry and I don't want to focus on seeing well

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It'll destroy my eyes

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So idk what i'm writing, I might do a lot of mistakes

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Fog is gone btw

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All of a sudden, no fog anymore

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Let me sleep in peace

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2h left

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2h and i'm home

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Please

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I'll see my brother

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Ou no

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I won't

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He will come get me Tomorrow

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Fog is back wtf

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And it's gone again
Clouds be pranking us

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Is this even possible ?

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Fog again

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And my stressed mom is stzrting to get crazy

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"it's dangerous, I'm stressed"

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Just drive come on

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"i'm scared" hahahaha

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Really ?

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It's just driving

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How can you be so stressed of life

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"you czn't understand, i was the same at your age"

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Oh realllyy??

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You were like me ?

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If I become like that, to my future self : unalive yourself

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Yiu can't be so weak

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When being me

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You have to be strong

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The only moment you can be weak is when writing in diaries

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You can never be weak.

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But yeah the fog looks like a horror movie

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I need to sort my thoughts

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The flow of thoughts is too high

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You know, as I said this is fine

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I can think correctly

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I judt lose my ability to feel emotions

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It scares me so i force myself to feel tbem

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That's why I look so crazy

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It asks my braib a lottt of effort

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Those efforts czn't be used in sorting my thoughts

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So Inm fkeiiz i odnkt dkno

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Idk

earnest pivot
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It's intersting to see how my brain works when it's in surcharge

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Is surcharge an english word ?

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Idc, translate it, it exist in french

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The future me will be able to see the difference between her and I

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it's the hardest skill I work on

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Keeping sanity and lucidity in these moments

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It's so hard

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So hard

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Let me sleep in peace

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I'm normal if we forget that

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Yes i'm normal

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I force myself to be

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So i am

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At what cost

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Why is it wrong to not be normal

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Why do i have to be like other

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To not go in jail

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Yes

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That's tje reason

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I want to be not lose my liberty of moving

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I can't talk to my brother if i'm in jail

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And i decide to evade, I still can't talk to him

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So for him I need to be normal

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Btw this is just when i write here

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At the same time I'm talking to my mim

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Mom

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About some light we saw, looks like aliens

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But it was wind turbine

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We just couldn't see tbem

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Just to say that I can maintain my normal state

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I just need to write in a diary

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If i meditate I can do without it

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Bit rn I'll go crazy if I have social interaction without writing at tbe same time

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Which one is the real me ? The one talking to my mom or the me writing here ?

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It's a complex question