Fragments of my Life [Diary]

[earnest pivot]

it's

10pm33

[gritty spindle]

Oh damn you're not too far from my timezone

Hour difference, it's 11 33 pm here

Well in any case, you should get some rest

[earnest pivot]

I'm not that tired, it's just that my thoughts are messy

[gritty spindle]

Well, religion is a lot more complex than that honestly

Despite what certain religions dictate, stuff like the qura'an has had predictions that have come true time and time and time again, despite being predicted above a millennium ago, and they still continue to be proven in recent times

[gritty spindle]

Well, those two things can be related

In any case you need to empty your mind a bit

Also yipeee 1000 messages in this post

🎊🎊🎊🎊

[earnest pivot]

I don't like to debate religions because I've debated them ten of times and i know where it ends: my arguments become indisputable, and they say "But I have faith", and there's nothing left to say

[earnest pivot]

ooh really

[earnest pivot]

Mhhh maybe for normal people, actually I don't sleep much, I spend a lot of time meditating at night, it's like sleeping for me.

[gritty spindle]

Eh, honestly when it comes down to it we can't really agree on something cuz the religious person is too stuck to their religion and can't really force people to follow them, and the irreligious side just can't bring themselves to agree with it

There isn't really a compromise

¯_(ツ)_/¯

[earnest pivot]

I feel drunk when i don't meditate, right now my mind doesn't process informations, it's autopilot lol

[gritty spindle]

Oh rly?

Ppfft lel

Still try sleeping lol

Empty mind

Might be healthier

¯_(ツ)_/¯

Dunno how people work

Yea lol I can FEEL THE INABILITY TO TYPE FROM YOU

Just get some rest however you get it, respond in the morning

[earnest pivot]

i just write long sentences on religion dw

you shouldn't wait for answers

[gritty spindle]

Oop it's about that

Alright yeah sure take your time

Well I'll be heading to bed for now

You get rest too, alr?

[earnest pivot]

Good night

[gritty spindle]

You're interesting btw imma point that out

[earnest pivot]

Philosophical Values 6: Religion is Manipulation

Religions are often passed down to children by their parents as if they were absolute truths, leaving little room for critical questioning. If one day we were to definitively prove that God doesn’t exist, we might look back and call this practice a form of propaganda aimed at shaping a child's worldview.

When someone is deeply conditioned to believe something is true, even the most logical arguments often fail to change their mind. To abandon such a belief would feel like invalidating their entire life, making it a 'lie' in their eyes. This is why belief systems, especially those rooted in religion, are so resilient.

Even if a highly advanced alien species came to Earth and presented undeniable evidence that there is no God—explaining the origins of the universe in ways that completely contradict human-made religions—most people would still cling to their belief in God. This is because humanity has a deep psychological and emotional need for a higher power. A God provides comfort, purpose, and answers to the unknown, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

Religion, then, is not just about truth—it’s about identity, belonging, and the human desire to make sense of existence. Removing belief in God is not just a matter of proving or disproving; it is about unraveling the complex ways in which religion meets emotional and social needs that no scientific explanation can ever fully replace.

[gritty spindle]

I like that about people

Gnight

[earnest pivot]

This diary has reached 1k messages, but that number isn’t very representative. I often post really short messages here, and when people talk to me, it adds conversational lines.

In most of my diaries, I don’t even have a message count to track how much I’ve written. Plus, I usually write in larger blocks of text, like the one in my last message (just above this). These are often about random topics but are typically long and detailed.

I’ve already had a diary on discord before. Since I have multiple accounts, it was essentially a diary where i’d send messages from one account to the other. If I was on one account, i’d write to my main account, and vice versa. Here’s the total number of messages I wrote in a single year from just one of these diaries (and this wasn’t even my main diary this year) :

As i said a lot before, having to write about my life thoughts and feelings is my mental issue.

[earnest pivot]

Also, since I have three main diaries, and this one was just the diary I kept on Discord this year, I guess I wrote about three times more this year. Additionally, this year, I wrote the least about my life overall.

Let’s calculate the numbers. I won’t mention which year it was because I prefer not remembering it later when I read this diary. Let’s say it was in 2020.

Writing Statistics

1. In 2020, I wrote about 1/3 of my usual writing amount.
2. On a random Discord diary, I wrote 88,494 messages.
3. This Discord diary represents 1/3 of the entries I made in all my diaries in 2020.
4. The average length of a message in this diary was about half of my usual writing length, so 25 characters per message.

Math

CharPerMessage = 25
TotalMsg = 3 × 88,494 = 265,482 (all diary entries in 2020)
TotalChar = 265,482 × 25 = 6,637,050 (total characters written in 2020)

Now, calculate how much I wrote per day:
NbOfDayInAYear = 365.25
CharPerDay = 6,637,050 ÷ 365.25 = 18,172

Character Per Minute (CPM)

To estimate how fast I write in my diaries, I analyzed my writing from yesterday:

• I wrote about 4,900 characters in 108 minutes, meaning my CPM was 4900 ÷ 108 = 45.
• However, my writing speed yesterday wasn’t representative since I took breaks to eat, shower, and play piano. After adjustments, I estimated my average CPM to be 60.

Now calculate my writing in hours:
CPH (Characters Per Hour) = 60 × 60 = 3,600
HourSpentWritingPerDay = 18,172 ÷ 3,600 = 5.05

Observations

While I spend an estimated 5 hours per day writing in diaries on average, I must note that:

1. This estimation varies because I write much faster in French (my native & main language for diaries)
2. Writing in English takes more time as I often look up words, syntax, and phrasing.
3. The standard deviation for my daily writing time is high, as I might write for just 1 hour on some days and 9 hours on others.

THIS TOOK ME AN HOUR AND HALF TO WRITE

I gtg sleep now.

What was all for ? i forgot my point

Oh yes, I just wanted to say that hitting 1k messages in this diary doesn’t really mean much to me, as it’s only 1/265 of the total messages I write each year in diaries. (Which means that, across all my diaries, I write a total of 1k messages every 1.38 days, or approximately every 33 hours.)

I can't believe i spent an hour and half doing math at 11pm, i'm gonna die tmrw, i have to go to sleep right now.

I mean, i'll sleep in 2/3 hours since i need to do some introspection & meditation to sort my thoughts and feelings.

This day was a good day, i had no time to talk about S today, but i'll make up for it tomorrow :)

--
Good night diary.

[gleaming breach]

i agree (except for the last bit about intelligent life — i don't know how to feel about that). have you heard of ietsism? it's one those 'somewhere between religious and non-religious' beliefs. it's an interesting thing to look into if you want more perspective and understanding of the gray area between religion and irreligion.

[earnest pivot]

I am kind of agnostic. I believe there's a higher force in the universe, at least responsible for its existence. But it's a paradox, because it would mean someone or something is also responsible for the existence of that force.

I think our human brain isn’t capable of understanding some concepts. For example, can you invent a new color? No, because we can only see the visible spectrum as humans. Similarly, I believe our brain is limited and can’t fully get the origin of the universe.

As for intelligent life, I think it’s incredibly rare in the universe because the conditions needed for intelligent life to emerge are extremely specific. It requires the right planet, the right distance from its star, a stable environment over billions of years, and countless other factors. Even with the vast size of the universe, the chances of all these conditions aligning are incredibly light.

There also should be alien life, since our universe is massive. If the conditions met once to make us appear, it could've happened a second time or even more.

--
Ohhh i like the definition of ietism

I didn't look at it because i thought i already knew what it means

I'm too arrogant

[earnest pivot]

Anyway, I really like it.
Ietism is about believing in a higher force or existence without trying to define or explain it.
Agnosticism, , means believing that we cannot know if there's a god exists or not.

So, I’d say I’m a mix of 80% ietist and 20% agnostic.

Thank you so much! You helped finding the perfect word to describe my perspective. It might be nothing for you, but i've had philosophical reflexions on religion a lot of time, and i've always used angnostic to describe myself. As you know putting words on feelings and thoughts is important for me, so tysmm <3

[gleaming breach]

you're welcome :) and i know exactly how you feel; i kinda define myself as somewhat ietsist and agnostic as well and your take on it up there resonated with me, glad i could help

[gritty spindle]

Genuinely underrated thread I'll be honest

Is that even the right word?-

Idk if its thread- its the whole diary thing in general

I like me a slightly complicated writing zone

[gritty spindle]

Yo, how's your day been so far @earnest pivot?

[earnest pivot]

---

Hello, diary.

This diary is titled "Fragments of My Life" for a reason—this is how I name the most significant changes in my life. When I created this diary, my intention was to reflect on the previous fragments of my life and delve into them. So far, everything I’ve written here has been unfiltered. But now, I’ll begin reflecting on the first fragment of my life.

Please note that each fragment contains a lot of ||Trigger Warnings||. For now, I’ll only discuss the first one, the very first fragment of my life.

[earnest pivot]

Actually, I’m just going to talk about a specific FoL (Fragment of Life), not my first one ever, but the first one I’ll discuss here. I also don't want to share how many FoLs I’ve experienced, so every FoL I talk about here will be labeled with a letter starting from A, instead of their real number.

So, let’s dive into FoL A. Initially, I wanted to talk about a different one, but I prefer to ease into the gravity of the ||TW|| since this is a public diary. Even though I’ve warned people, it might still be hard to read—I don’t know, I just want to avoid having my diary deleted, you know? I do have lighter FoLs to discuss, but I want to start with this one.

Also, I don’t plan to recount my full story for each FoL; I’ve already written tens of thousands of lines about them elsewhere. Here, I just want to focus on the key points and reflect on questions like:
Is it really important? What did I do wrong? Could I have done better? Do I hold a grudge against the antagonist? Could—or should—I kill the antagonist?

---

FoL A : "R*pist Stepfather."

As always, I won’t mention the exact year. My age was somewhere between 12 and 15—take whatever age you prefer. And as usual, let’s assume the year was 2020, a random date I choose when I don’t want to specify.

Quick Reconstitution

In 2020, my mom finally got a lover. My dad wasn’t a good person, but that’s a story for another time. In 2021, this man moved in with us. We all liked him at first. One night, he was drunk and came into my room. It was around 1 a.m., and I was meditating. At the time, I never thought I could be in danger with someone like him, so I wasn’t in a defensive state.

My meditative state is close to sleep but not quite; time feels slower. Four hours of meditation feels like eight hours of sleep, and I think 3 to 3.5 times faster. It helps me reorganize my thoughts quickly (relative to real-world time). To me, it feels like 10 hours of clarity.

That night, I vaguely heard him enter and sit beside me, but it didn’t wake me up. You know when there’s noise while you’re dreaming—you register it, but it doesn’t wake you, and later, when you wake up, you think, “Ugh, stop making noise—it’s been 10 minutes!” That’s the state I was in.

At first, he just sat beside me and cuddled me. Nothing alarming, so my instinct didn’t kick in. Then he pushed me against the top of my bed, and I hit my head hard. That startled me awake, and I almost cried—not from pain but confusion. Coming out of my meditative state left me disoriented. At that time, I hadn’t yet developed my current ability to snap out of meditation fully aware and ready to defend myself.

He apologized, saying he didn’t mean to hurt me and was just too drunk, pushing me too hard to wake me. I believed him—after all, if someone you trust, someone who’s been a father figure to you, accidentally pushes you, it’s not that big a deal, right?

But then the situation shifted.

I joked, “Now that you hurt me, you have to stroke my hair!” A normal thing to say to a father figure, I think. He complied, stroking my hair for a few minutes, but then he started touching other areas, like my face. Still, I wasn’t alarmed.

At one point, he grabbed my neck and cuddled me from behind. That felt odd, but not necessarily threatening. Then he touched my chest. I asked him to be careful where he touched, thinking it might just be an accident. That’s when he told me to shut up.

I wasn’t prepared for that, and it shook me. I froze and couldn’t respond. He continued touching me, but I didn’t react—I’ve had strong values and life experiences, even back then. Being touched didn’t affect me deeply; I saw it as a trivial thing. But he didn’t stop there.

He lay on me and held my in headlock squeezing too hard. That’s when I realized how bad this could get. He was drunk enough to touch me despite knowing I was one of the top 10 boxers in France at the time (I always say “boxer” instead of “ninjutsu practitioner” when talking to people).

If he could touch me while knowing I could hurt him, what would stop him from r*ping me if I were unconscious? But I dismissed the thought—this was someone my whole family loved. Surely, he was just too drunk to think clearly.

Then he whispered in my ear, “I’ll take care of you.”

That was horrifying and i got disgusted. I didn’t want to see where this would go, so I bit his arm and hit him in the liver. I wasn’t on guard, as this situation was nothing like the dangers I’d faced before. It was just a “trivial problem” showing up at 1 a.m. in my room. But in the dark, I didn’t see him throw a punch at my face.

Speeding Up the Story

He told me to stay quiet, threatening to lie to my mom if I didn’t comply. I didn’t care about his threats but didn’t want to hurt my mom’s happiness. She was so happy with him, and her happiness meant the world to me. I decided I could endure whatever he did—I wouldn’t let him r*pe me since I didn’t want to have kids, and well, i have dignity.

Over the following weeks, he forced me to perform foreplay and help him mast*rbate. It disrupted my nightly meditation, leaving me a mental wreck. My performance suffered—I lost the semi-finals in a ninjutsu tournament and dropped two ranks. Our clan leader locked me in a dark, wet room for a weekend as punishment for losing so much.

When I returned home after that, exhausted from 36 hours without meditation or proper sleep, he came into my room again.

[Skipping the more intense details as per your note, replacing them with summaries.]

That day, he escalated his actions, tying me to the bed and forcing me into further acts. I lost consciousness at one point, waking up hours later, hurt and disoriented. I couldn’t be sure of everything that happened while I was unconscious, and I still don’t know.

---

Reflections

I eventually told my ninjutsu leader, not my mom. My leader didn’t care much—my personal struggles aren't relevant to someone his status. But remember, I'm in a clan and "a leader the father of each member". For something so important he used his autority to help me, even though I do not know what he did, he didn't tell me. My stepfather eventually left, but I’ve never told my mom the truth. She’s happy with someone new now, a genuinely good person.

For me, this story is in the past. I’m not traumatized. If anything, I see it as a set of skills I’ve gained:

• Always being ready to fight, no matter the situation.
• Snapping out of meditation instantly without impairing my reaction speed and clarity.
• Remaining calm in face of a sexual assault.
• Resisting headlocks and strangulation attempts.

Now, as I said, I want to reflect on the key questions (yes, all of this was just for context):
**Is it really important? What did I do wrong? Could I have done better? Do I hold a grudge against the antagonist? Could—or should—I kill the antagonist? More questions **

[earnest pivot]

---

2h07m to write all of this, pretty good wpm (word per minute) for such a FoL

i'll write more about this later, i have school soon

if anyone decides to read this please know that i have no trauma about this and i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me—it actually annoys me when people do.

[earnest pivot]

---

I had PE class, we played badminton but i hit someone head with my racket by accident :)

Wrong emoji !!

:( *

He started crying 😭😭
I made his nose bleed

Also, i fell after hiting him, since i felt my racket hiting something i turned back midgame, but my opponent had already thrown the shuttlecock, i was lost between hiting back or helping the guy i just hit by accident, and i fell trying to do both at the same time

I didn't tell anyone but i actually hurt my latissimus dorsi falling on the ground. It made me play not at full potentiel for the next matches, and at the end of it, on 45 people, i finished rank 15, who is really really bad for me.

I shouldn't blame anything else than me, i'm not saying "that's not my fault, i was injured, unlucky day"
It's 100% my fault if i didn't fell properly, hit someone even by accident, and lost matches after it.

I'm writing this while walking back to home, it's like super cold outisde and my hands are losing mobility, i dont feel them anymore. I'll continue writing later.

I'm back, i'm already home since i live with my brother rn and he lives close from my school.

i hate my english level. I feel like all my unorganized sentences, so when i write random stuff, not trying to make it good, it contains "feel, hate, hurt, i, it, who, to, really, tho, also, that, said, so, since, when, but, even, like, well"

some are really necessary, but most of these words have synonymes...

why is my vocabulary so limited

well it's because i learned english like every non-native people, on internet by playing games and having to talk with english ppl.

but it's bad. I feel like each sentence are the same. look, even here i used "feel, like, even, but"

I definitly prefer writing in french for when i have to write often, like a diary, since i can say exactly what i want to say, due to my love of the language and the huge vocabulary i have (even if we compare to a normal native french speaker, i might know twice the words (i'm exagerating)).

The future me who'll read everything i typed here again one day, will find most of my inputs boring, since they're all the same, with the same words. I would like to be better.

The only time I'm proud of something i've written in english, is when i talk about serious topics here, like with each FoL (Fragment of Life), or PhV (Philosophical Values).
Because i take a lot of time to find the good words and make it well phrased.

Anyway, i don't feel like doing the reflection of the FoL A (the one i wrote earlier) today, i just got home and i have a lot to do.

... The a lot to do is shower, play piano, and play games 💀
I'm not motivated to do anything productive but piano

Also, it feels like i talk about me being hurt and getting hurt, every day in this diary. This is funny because i don't really mind pain, getting hurt annoys me more bcs of the physical constraint it represents. Feeling pain mean being alive

Yeah, i get hurt pretty often. it’s normal for someone in a ninjutsu clan to deal with injuries. Also, each FoL is full of moments where i got hurt, either emotionally, back to when i had no control over my feelings, or physically. If anyone had to write down the events that made them who they are, like i do with my FoLs, it would naturally include plenty of painful moments—that’s just life. Of course, I also have good FoLs, but those don’t leave me much to reflect on since they’re simply happy memories, so i won't likely talk about them here.
So since this diary is made to be about my FoLs, and my every day life is a lot of physical pain—That's the reason why there's a lot of this in this diary.

OOh, i forgot to mention that i got closer to S. This week she w

nvm i'll stop writing for now, i have other things to do. I'll write about this later.

[earnest pivot]

Me and my brother had dinner with 2 of his friends and we talked about politic

in France right now, (well just all the time in history), is really fragile, since we argue have a bad president, and he increases taxes, Have debt to Europa, bcs our government borrow money on covid crisis and more.

My friend arguments are just the public opinion, and IT ANNOY ME SO MUCH.

I'm tired of hearing stupid people say stupid arguments without any knowledge

they NO OBJECTIVITY

Nothing

they just "want more money"

"want to pay less taxes"

"gngn we should take money from the rich people, why don't we tax themm??"

STUPID PEOPLE, POWER IS MONEY in our society

if someone has a lot of money and don't want to pay taxes

THEN THEY DONT.

"soo we shouldn't allow them to stay in France"

STUPID PEOPLE

They already pay more taxes than you could imagine paying in a year, they contribute to the society more than your whole bloodline has ever contributed

if we force them to pay tax or leave, THEY LEAVE. And who's gonna cry when the taxes will increase because we decided to make them leave ? YOU.

We are the second country with the most taxes on earth. Knowing this, our GDP is 45% made by taxes

HOW COULD WE LOWER TAXES. If we do so France is gonna fall.

"So France take 45% of my salary"
NO, 45% of France GDP is made by taxes, but the reciprocal DONT WORK. Since the rich people contribute way more than your useless 2k$ a month.

"I want to have more purchasing power, everything is too expensive, life is hard sob sob sob" SHUT UP

How can you be so subjective

BE MORE OBJECTIVE

Why why do people on this plant are so trivial

why

why

am i the one weird?

Why do i think long run

i do not care about you being poor

it has no meaning to me

what matters is the future

how can France make good decisions, so in 1,000 year if humanity still exist, we can live correclty?

"We shouldn't have helped Ukraine if we're poor, why did we helped Ukraine ? Why did we give billions of dollars to another country"

DIPLOMACY STUPID PEOPLE.

Relations between countries are more important than your existence

wy way way way way more important

it's something you can't understand

since you haven't spent time reflecting on it

looking why

how

who

where

YOU KNOW NOTHING

You watched news and saw "oh Ukraine belongs to Russia historically so why we help them?"

STUPID PEOPLE

"The problem is our president"

STUPID PEOPLE

president has no power

it's a fk*ng

puppet

WE choose our own government, it's the principe of a democraty

ITS NOT USA, WE HAVE WAY MORE DECISION POWER

SO WHY YOU COMPLAIN

"last final was 2 bad presidents, i had no choice but to the least bad"

STUPID PEOPLE

If those 2 were in FINALS, it means that there were good president before final, and they didn't pass, NO?

"yes but i voted the one who didn't pass"

STUPID PEOPLE

If everyone did he would have won the fk*ng presidential

did he won ?

NO

So our population didn't want him to be president.

France is not YOU

a country is not YOU

France is 70 MILLIONS people

"gngn our government tax us to pay their drivers and food, while they do nothing but sit and talk"

STUPIDDD PEOPPLLLLLLE

government is 40 PEOPLE in France, and we need around 100 millions each year for them to live.

"100 millions for 40 people ?? wow this is huge, and they tax me 200$ when i work and have kids" ?

STUPID PEOPL

EE

E

WE ARE 70 MILLIONS. Even if we used NO MONEY for government, it means that we'll have 1 DOLLAR MORE EACH YEAR.

Also they have to make the country work, even 5 times this amount would be fine.

And are you saying that talking is bad and debate ? stupid people.

Our government represents the big ideas people have in a country.

If there's so much opinion and they have to debate, it's because you, and your neighbour, both french people, have a different opinion, and it makes the the country slower, and force them to debate and talk.

the only thing you and your neighbour agree on is "oh they tax us and do nothing sat on a chair"

yes they're here because of you.

They are choosed by you.

To serve you. Of course they are selfish and just want to make money, but who choosed them ?

Ofc all of our recent presidents has done embezzlement, but who bring them here ?

YOU

YOU

No, not you

PUBLIC OPINION

FRANCE

But France is you, so it's YOUR fault.

The only thing you can agree with everyone is how difficult is it to live compared to 20 years ago.

GLOBALIZATION

INDUSTRIALIZATION

stupid people.

I hate that humans are so primitive.

so trivial

Our existence doesn't matter compared to a country

A country existence doesn't matter compared to a continent

A continent doesn't matter compared to earth

Earth is nothing in the in universe.

So you doesn't matter

when you will die

and i hope you do to let place to more intelligent people

your history and existence wouldn't have mattered

the only thing who'll stay, is France.

So if you have to pay 50$ more each month, you stfu

and stop buying nitros to your favorite egirl streamer

THEN

THEN

THEN

it's not finished.

They decided to go on the "immigration topic"

Well, i agree with that

why do we accept so much immigrant in France when we're so poor.

We needed it after WW2

but the last 15 years immigration was useless.

foreigners mostly hate our country and make it worst.

They break stuff

abuse our social help

fraud

and more

well, there's actually some who are not bad, i'm not racist at all.

It's not about the skin color

It's about culture and education

and many many people in France who have no culture and french education, and who doesn't respect it at all, are people who came in France to get a comfortable life for free, without working some times, and then spit on France.

EVERY TIME, i see something disrespecting France, adults, destroying structures, well you get it, he is black or Arab.

i have a lot of black people tho, as i said i'm not racist and this is NOT about the skin color or origin.

Idk why people are so quiet about this

and when you say this you'll get the typical "oh so you're racist and xenophobe"

NO

some people i'm really good friend with are people who came in this country when they was 5, and they learned this language, and now they respect France, they talk correctly, they dn't disrespect adults

they're not being jerks

Last week at a pedestrian crossing in front of school,

decided to cross at green light. Ofc it was a group of black people, probably younger than me from my school. Ofc they forced every car to stop, and then they got honked, guess what ? Middle finger and run.

hopefully there's a chat filter here

because i can only insult people like them.

This is one of the example, for in France, all the situations like that we can see 1/2 times in a daily life, are 9/10 of the time caused by someone not from France.

So, i agree with my brother's friends on this point.

their last argument was "you'll see when you work and win no money even hard working"

OFC ILL BE MAD

It's normal

To be mad when you work and when you pay bills you can only survive the end of the month

But it's not something who can change.

"Government should reduce taxes"

NO.

When a country hit a GDP who becomes the norm, they CAN NOT reduce taxes and get less money.

Imagine that our country GDP was 10 billions, even if we gave you TO YOUR THE USELESS EXISTENCE, 1 million a month, France would still need 10 billions. So the yogurt pot price would be 10,000$ .
Because we need these 10 billions.

I do not economic

Its just pure common sense, come on... How can people don't understand that

everyone should at least think about that.

then they'll say "it's because you're HIP" ? No stupid people. IQ has no signification for such a topic.

it's pure common sense

Think about it just a single hour in your life, it's an important topic you have time for that

and you'll find exactly the same conclusion as me

from the first hour of my life i've been thinking of this topic, the conclusion has always been the same

so you can find it in a single hour.

THINK ABOUT IT

Stop watching the propaganda that are tv news

and think.

---

Sorry i got a little mad about this.

Since this is a bit of a random diary, i can express feelings without filter, it doesn't help me at all like it does with most people

Writing all of this just makes me lose my time

Emotions are something who hold biologically 90 secondes in our brain

And i'm excellent at controlling myself, so i need to focus on staying angry, to really be mad.

I don't really care about anything, and humans being so trivial doesn't surprise me at all bcz i'm used to it.

I just find it funny to be normal, and feel anger as every human does.

Did i just natural just before ? I hope that i seemed like a normal person, who would be mad at someone else opinion.

There's no absolute truth, truth is an interpretation of the reality.

There's no absolute truth and no lies. Everything is about perspective.

We can still make a general truth, and my opinion on this specific topic, is a general truth.

At least, it should be considered as one.

If we forget french people feelings, the conclusion on this topic would be the same for everyone, so objectively, i'm right.

It's rare to hear from me that i'm right.

I always appreciate others opinions, assessing them for their true value as objective perspectives.

But most of the humans on this earth are trivial, and do not have real opinions.

First, a real opinion is something that cannot be contested so easily.

If i come here, give you a counter example, and you're doomed so your opinion on the topic changes—your opinion was worth nothing.

If there's no thoughts behind your opinion, and it's "faith" or "belief", your opinion didn't have a single piece of value.

"God exists" is a non-based & irrelevant opinion for me. You can believe in god, yes. But you shouldn't debate and try to convince someone that god exists

this is propaganda.

If your opinion can make me think about mine, your opinion was valuable.

Arlo's opinion in this diary for instance, has always been valuable.

But he was the only one who added anything meaningful to this diary; everything else was just somewhat trivial remarks.

I need more people like Arlo in my daily life.

That's also the reason why i've talked to almost everyone at school, maybe one of them is this kind of the person i need in my life ?

[earnest pivot]

It might seem like I'm saying I'm not open-minded and only value people who think like me, but that's not true at all. I value meaningful opinions, whether they're similar to mine or different—it doesn't really matter.

[earnest pivot]

---

I found $5 in my Halloween candy stash for some reason

why did i put money with my candies :'(

I'm 5$ richer

it means that i'm 5$ rich.

i can buy 0,0001667 BTC with this amount

maybe in a thousand year my 1,6 × 10^(-4) bitcoin will be worth 10$

or 10 million $, since the future is uncertain, so I can buy a revive at my nearby revive outpost

future is crazy.

Imagine what will exist in the future ?

Philosophical Values 6: "Future is both Beautiful and Scary."

People from the Middle Ages would probably view our current society as sorcery. But think about it—this is just a few centuries ago. Humans appeared around 2.8 billion years ago, and in just 500 years, we've made incredible, truly remarkable progress. When I talk about the future, do you think I’m talking about 100 years? Sure, everything will be different, but if you're like me—a teenager, you’ll likely live another 60 to 70 years, and we can predict what will happen in the next 30 to 40 years. So, you'll see the near future.

But 1,000 years? We can’t even imagine it. Human civilization is advancing so rapidly that, in my opinion, it’s impossible to predict what will happen or what the world will look like. A thousand years is so much time—so many people will be born. To put it in perspective, in 1,000 years, the world population will be 10 times different. Every 100 years, everyone alive now will be gone, and another 8 billion people will be here, so in a thousand years, the population will be radically different. Anything could happen.

But no, I’m actually talking about 500,000 years, 1 million years. Will humanity still exist in less than 100 years? Of course, yes. Even if a nuclear war started, some humans would survive. Now, a thousand years from now, it’s more uncertain. We could have made the planet uninhabitable, or destroyed each other with nuclear weapons. Nuclear weapons WILL be used at some point. With 8 billion new people each century, do you really think no one will press that button?

In 500,000 years, we can’t even begin to imagine humanity’s situation. We can’t. Don’t try to think about it—it's beyond our comprehension. Even our bodies will change, since we are animals and evolve like them. Animals on Earth (if we still live here and it still exists) will be completely different, having evolved over time—everything will be different. Maybe we’ll have superpowers in the future? And when future beings look back at us, will they see us the way we view Cro-Magnon man? Scary, and yet beautiful.

---

This is the of the cleanest transition i've ever done to get on a serious topic.
From $5 in my candy stash—to the value of Bitcoin in the uncertain future—to the future of humanity. Damn, all that in just a few lines.

--
Good night diary.

[gritty spindle]

people are kind of

yknow

allowed to have opinions on certain matters

they'll say its not their fault when in all reality its just a collective fault that they may or may not realize

sure it might have no worth in an actual argument but people still have feelings man

[gritty spindle]

well we arent really FORICNG you to believe in god

just like any argument we argue that he exists and why we believe in it

end of the day, you choose whether or not you believe in god too

its sin to even force somebody to become religious (at least in islam, which i am part of)

so if anyone does try that, then yes, you have a point

but i do have a question in general

why bother yourself with all these complicated government/world related matters at your age atm? is it just something you're interested in and want to talk about? yes, we're all bothered by it, but is it really something you need to worry about now?

im not judging you im just

curious is all

[earnest pivot]

I saw a lot of people in this server telling to people who want to die "believe in god", "god doesn't allow that", "god allowed you to live, live".
When someone tell that they have no goal in life and they feel useless; people say "live for god". and more things related about god.
That's propaganda + next level manipulation.
Telling to someone lost in his life to believe a superstition is ultra bad. We don't say anything because it's religion, now remplace islam by a sect in example, everyone would say that it's manipulation.

Manipulation = forced to do, forced to believe in.

[earnest pivot]

I could ask anyone the same questions about their worries. Why do people of my age worry about grades, friends, people opinion, and more things

Complicated is life

And since i've lived a lot of hard things in my life, it might be a reason for it

If i was objective, i would say that it's because i have a high IQ, had a lot of big experiences in life already, have the mental issue of having to write in a diary - that made me develop topics i wouldn't have think about.
If i'm subjective, i think that other humans are trivial for being worried about so irrelevant things in life. Ofc i'm still a kid and kids of my age have the right to not be bothered with these topic, but a part of me is way older than i am.

Only a part of me because i'm still a teenager who can have kids' feeling and act as such in certain situations

For example, with my brother i'm mostly a little innocent and sensible girl

He's the only who can make me cry, when i won't cry if someone even in my family dies.

That's because i don't think death is something important, it's life. In 2,8 millions years, how manh humans are dead ?
Ofc i'm sad when someone i like die.

If my mom wasn't here, i would be so sad that she did everything for me, work 9h a day each day to allow us to live correctly, and she died now without enjoying her new life with her lover.

But at the end of the day, it's irrelevant, and i'll probably heal way faster than anyone else, with some introspections.

I don't value my life, but i value it at the same time (weird phrasing ?)

By this i mean, well i'm just rewriting my philosophical values 2
I do not fear death and do not care of dying. But i think that as a person to become, i'll be later a very good human (means for the society). I have a lot of skills, will develop more, am objective, can take quick relevant decisions, can lead, can teach rly well a topic i just learned about & more.
So i think it would be sad for all the skills, my personality, my future kids, and everything i am as a person, to be gone forever, to never exist again.

So i value me, but not me.
Brug

I don't know how to translate it from french to english

J'accorde de la valeur à mon être intrinsèque, et non à ma conscience en tant que telle ou mon être extrinsèque.

Yeah intrinsèque doesn't exist in english i think...

I can't translate it

Let's ask chatgpt

Ok it exists

"i value my intrinsic self, not my consciousness as such or my extrinsic being."

That's why i don't care of life, that's why i think that humans are trivial, and that's why i think and talk about these complicated subjects at my age.

[earnest pivot]

---

Hello diary, today i asked S a lot of questions on her. She lives 20m away from school and she has siblings.

I asked for her number and she said "no sorry"

I dont know how to feel about this

I've never been rejected by anyone i like before

I wasn't able to hide my expression of confusion when she answered, and she explained me that she can't give her number, and it was not against me

So is she someone important like i hypothesized before ?

Not sharing personal infos, being ignored by the important people of a school of important people. It's a lot for me to not think this way.

I should inform me on her, but i want to know her, by her only.

Btw i just arrived at restaurant for my mom's lover birthday, i didn't eat anything today to eat more now.
So cya diary.

We have to wait for his friendsss i'm hungryyyy

My relationship with S is really good

I met her last saturday and i see her every day now at school library during school breaks

She is so pretty

Every day she has a new different outfit

She is way more pretty than me, she is more intelligent than me

She reads in me me like an open book

I can't really hide my feelings when talking to her, and even when i do, it seems like she understands perfectly every thought i have

When i look her in her deep green eyes, it feels like she is watching my soul, not me. Not the facade i've built to protect myself and hide my feelings & thoughts. She stares at me without filter.

I don't know what she had to experience to develop this skill.

Being able to read an individual as complex as i am, is something unthinkable.

I go, the friends arrive

I wanted to send a photo of my food and the restaurant but i don't want to compromise my identity

[earnest pivot]

First (special asiatic)

Second (special american) :

[earnest pivot]

Third (special asia #2) (with thai sauce) :

4 (ice-cream because thai sauce burned my mouth, i need to eat something cold)

lmaoo they asked me how i can fit all this food in my tiny body

6 :

I can't eat it

My stomach hurt a lot

A lottt

I could eat everything else since it was mostly composed of water

But this is not water 💀

Help

It hurts

Why i did this

I have huge pain tolerance, but not when it's from inside

Aaah i'm dying

Why did i eat all of that

Am i stupid

Me from the past, f*ck you

How can you do this to me

I have to go back home walking

Since i have school tomorrow and they plan to stay here for a long time

I'm writing while walking reallyyyy slow

Because it hurts

I just want to lay down

What's good is that i won't take a single lb from this

Thank you metabolism

I hope that i won't be sick

Or i will not be able to go to school tmrw

But i told S to wait me at library tomorrow

Since she don't want to give me her number, i'll ask her if she wants a private phone

I have few of them since i'm in a clan and we need them

And she won't have any excuse to refuse

There's a weird group of people who seems to follow me

I'm probably parano

But i'm walking so slow that staying behind me for 5 minutes is difficult

I hope they try to kidnap me so i can practice self-defense in a bad physical situation

I always have some weapons with me when i don't go to school, i just let one drop and took it back. They took another direction
I don't think they were follwing me tho. But recently where i live, some girls got attacked at night

And even if i said so, i don't want to fight rn :(

Aah i would like to text S and tell her i feel bad

But i can't

I'm home btw

I don't.feel my.hands anymore

Th'eyre too cold lol

Woow i feel so much better when i'm lying down

But i can't stay in the hallway like that

Oh btw, nothing to do with the precedent topic, but i finished my placement ranked games on valorant

I got silver 1

Bruh

I probably still have a d1/a3 level, since i easily win matches, every person in the game looks bad

It's crazy that even after so much time without playing, i didn't lost all my level

My aim is not immortal anymore

But my gamesense is

Decision making, ability usage, i didn't lost all of that

I have to play Reyna until d3, so i can rank up being top frag

It's the quickest way to win games when you smurf : destroying enemies in a few minutes

So reyna and jett are perfect

I plan to play Clove in high elo

It's a controller smoker with a duelist kit

So it's perfect

For my playstyle

Duelist is always my playstyle, in real life and games

Damn, my clothes smell like food

And my white jeans are stained.

Noo :(

[gritty spindle]

🔴

[earnest pivot]

Aaah the incredible feeling of being in my bed

I want to sleep but it's kind of early

Tomorrow i have 1 of class, then the next hour our professor isn't here so i have to go back home, then i need to at school again for the final hour....

I'll probably miss tomorrow clas

too lazy

i already missed 30 hours of class last 5 weeks

Yeah it's insanely high

I know

I know that it'll be hard for me to be accepted in a good superior school

Also my grades are "ok"

In France, our notation system is a note on 20. So at each exam and test we have a note on 20. For example, we have 20 questions in a math exam, and each is worth 1 point.

My overall score (the average of the scores is 13/20

But the standard deviation is really high, since i have 2,10/20 in spanish (soooo bad 💀💀) and 18/20 in english and informatic for example.

For maths, i had 12/20 in the last quarter, so it's "fine"

We need 10/20 to get baccalaureate, i translated it but idk if it existe in usa

It's a degree at the end of "lycée", so highschool.

It's very important so if you fail..

But i probably won't

The problem is that since I miss school a lot, I'm going to be rejected from all the good universities.

But is it my fault ?

School is boring

And i can learn everything we do in class, in 5 minutes at home

Even when i go to class, i understand in a fraction of second and i'm annoyed so i do something else & don't listen

Expect in spanish, where i'm giga lost

So i do something else & don't listen...

Result : when i understand, i'm bored. When i don't understand at all, i'm bored.

In both ways i can't pay attention in class

Expect in english, philosophy, and informatic class where i participate a lot bcz it's fun

I'm better doing nothing at home

Nothing related to school*

Anyway, my phone battery has been at 1% for 10 minutes

It'll die soon

Goodnight Diary.

[gritty spindle]

That is

Such a thing to say lmao

I'm jealous af-

[gritty spindle]

School system are generally kinda dookie

[gleaming breach]

the way i giggled after reading this lmao

[gleaming breach]

Maybe we’ll have superpowers in the future?
oh, i've thought so much about this. like you said, if someone from the Middle Ages looked at our society today, they'd scream "sorcery!" or something along those lines. in the future, what if we understand science (and hence nature and the universe) even deeper than we do today, and harness that knowledge to create technology far beyond our current imagination? i mean, that's most probably what will happen, but imagine what it will look like. from our pov, like magic. maybe magic is just science we do not understand yet

ah, just post-breakfast thoughts.

[earnest pivot]

I understand, but the reason for this is that I focused on developing myself before trying to build relationships. And when I say "anyone I like," I also mean friendships, as I haven’t been in many romantic relationships.

[gritty spindle]

yeah no smart move

[earnest pivot]

But yeah, even if I had the worst personality ever, I still think I’m really pretty, so it’s unlikely that I’d be rejected by anyone anyway.
Just lucky born

[gritty spindle]

man its the complete opposite for me, i look like shit

[earnest pivot]

Lmaoo i feel that

[gritty spindle]

it sucks but eh

[earnest pivot]

Wow... This is my exact thoughts on this topic.
I'm trying to find but there's nothing to add, this is perfect 😭

[gritty spindle]

i like magic, magic is cool

i'd like to have magic

[earnest pivot]

Yoh won't have magic

[gritty spindle]

but man having it in that time period would probably get me killed

[earnest pivot]

Ofc lmao

Or if you were powerful enough, you could protect yourself

[gritty spindle]

having it in this time period thou? idfk i'd probably be a tiktok star or smth you know people do this stuff 😭

[gritty spindle]

i already have some basic kickboxing under my belt so honestly it'd be interesting to see how magic could improve on that

[earnest pivot]

If i had magic i would've created a country

[earnest pivot]

Same for me

But martial arts are still a one-tap headshot to guns

[gritty spindle]

i always like the idea of updating or improving stuff over creation of something entirely new and different

this is like- in general (eg mods for games that don't necessarily change characters or smth, like an improvement over the original)

so if i would use magic to, say, punch faster or something along those lines, it'd be kinda cool to me

i like subtle changes

[gritty spindle]

(like character remodels or just small changes that make such a difference for me)

[earnest pivot]

Oh so you would use magic to improve existent abilities

I would create a lot of spells

[gritty spindle]

i have a screenshot for smth that could probably get my point across better

[gritty spindle]

yeah honestly

[earnest pivot]

Get the logic behind magic and create a lot of spells

I always try to find animes that contains magic creation but it's rare

[earnest pivot]

Send it ig

[gritty spindle]

aight gimme a moment

it's not a really significant change, but its one i love so much

[earnest pivot]

Ah yes, so you must be a fan of gacha games

[gritty spindle]

i mean

[earnest pivot]

Like Genshin Impact for example

[gritty spindle]

sort of yeah? but what does that have to do with this exactly-

i dont play genshin thou :p

[earnest pivot]

Because you have to improve your characters

A lot to make them better

[gritty spindle]

i should, but PC storage is low enough :p

[earnest pivot]

Ah, i have it but my actual pc can't run it correctly

Rip it's too old

[gritty spindle]

daamn

wear and tear go brr

mechanical hard drive?

[earnest pivot]

No i have a SSD

But my pc is just old

[gritty spindle]

ah damn, then it's old old

mechanical hard drives dont reallly have the best life span anyway so

[earnest pivot]

Y, i had one 5 years ago but i changed it

I also added ram

[gritty spindle]

oo

what games can you play on it then?

[earnest pivot]

I mean, if i reset my pc so it's less laggy, i can play everything

But i have too much things on it soo. Lazy

[gritty spindle]

you use steam yea?

just uninstall some games for now :p

[earnest pivot]

It's not only the games :(

[gritty spindle]

ahh

[earnest pivot]

My ssd is 80% full, on 1T storage

I don't know how

[gritty spindle]

try disk cleanup?

[earnest pivot]

I didn't install 800Gb of games..

[gritty spindle]

or just remove any old files

it can be other stuff piling up too

[earnest pivot]

Y, but i'm too lazy

If i can run my main games it's fine

[gritty spindle]

fair enough

[earnest pivot]

I'll buy a new one in 1/2 years

[gritty spindle]

yeah yea good idea

run what you can if its still working

but yeah on the topic of PCs

for any gamer out there of any kind, getting a PC is always gonna be the best option (at least IMO)

Console exclusives? Emulation will happen either way (albeit for the PS consoles it can take over a decade), and while im not encouraging piracy, it's still an option for games on steam

and also, steam, sales are crazy and will probably make money less of an issue in the long run

the only reason i bring up piracy is because ive done it in the past and who's gonna stop me, our country does not care much 😭

also, modding games. The community is arguably the best part of just about any video game, and with the community comes wants, wants that can be met with mods, and it's pretty self explanatory when i say modding on PC is easier than modding on ANY CONSOLE

yea thats my gamer speech right there

sorry if i talk too much its a whole thing-

[earnest pivot]

No i get it, when i was a kid i played Minecraft survival and creative a lot, then i discovered mods and i started playing modded survival, wow... The more a pc can run mods, the more funny it'll be. Damn i want to play minecraft modded again lmao

Stop writing btw, that's a too long conversation we have here in my diary.

Hello diary, today i missed school since i was tired and ate too much yesterday. I couldn't see S, and couldn't tell her that i wouldn't be here since she didn't give me her number. What does she think about me now...

I now have 32h of missed school in the last 5 weeks

In total, i missed 51+32, so 83 hours of school since september

My mom is not happy about this

My brother doesn't care, since i'm smart enough.

I don't like missing a lot of a same class in a row, because when i come back they finished a chapter i didn't know about, and i fail the exam

So i always need to go 1/2 times a chapter. I understand fast but ofc if i'm not here, i can't know

Damn my pc is taking hours to start

It's been 10 minutes what's happening

Anyway, tomorrow i the second part of my ninjutsu level crossing

And today i have piano class

I know that i didn't finish talking about the ninjutsu tournment of last saturday, as well for the questions part on my Fol A, but i'll write that down later.

I already wrote about the tournment in french

But i rly should finish my FoL. since this diary is made for that, i haven't done it anywhere else

Also, today i'll mostly play Valorant and try to rank up

Yyy i'm a videogame kid, maybe. But videogames is like everything

The problem is that it's taking a lot of time

Meanwhile i usually can train a lot of skills in a weekend, playing a game is a unique skill, so it's not efficient.

But i want my immortal rank back ...

Let me be a kid for once

Why is there always a part of me that criticizes me for doing normal things, like playing games or having everyday conversations?

It feels like this part of me believes other people are inferior to me, and because of that, it resents the idea of me "lowering myself to their level." But that's not how i want to think, and i just want this part of me to stay quiet.

Yesterday at the restaurant with my mom and other adults, they had basic conversation, but the mood was so cool

I've never known that

Trivial conversations can be nice too ?

Why do i felt this good being around them, listening to their trivial problems, laughing over nothing, and simply enjoying life?

I was wrong on a big point

The trivial is what makes humanity fascinating.

If everyone were like me, I’d die of boredom.

[gritty spindle]

maybe it's just ego? but also i think it's reasonable why your mind thinks that way considering all of the stuff you do, so dont blame yourself too much

[gritty spindle]

ig you're just more mature than you think, which is a good thing honestly

[gleaming breach]

oh lol thats unexpected, i'm starting to realize we might think alike on a lot of topics

[gleaming breach]

by the way @earnest pivot can i dm you? i wanted some advice on meditation. from what i've read you meditate regularly and for quite a long time... i thought you'd be a good person to ask.

[earnest pivot]

Yess

also your profile picture is Arcane, and i love, i LOVE Arcane.

Someone who likes Arcane is always my best friend

[earnest pivot]

Ah, yes ofc. But most of my advices won't be really useful, since my way of meditation is really complex, and i don't think many people on earth can go as deep in a meditation state... But ofc.

It's been a while i haven't talked about my meditation methods so it's cool

[earnest pivot]

This part of me doesn't see myself as "good"; it simply views others as "stupid and insignificant."

And since I'm "neither stupid nor smart" and "neither trivial nor significant," all in the middle, it perceives me as someone superior.

But i disagree with this thought and i think that there's no humans better than another, this opinion is subjective.

Today i played Valorant as i said, to try to rank up

I deranked bronze 3 for some reason

from immortal to bronze is crazy

everyone, teammates and enemies, are so bad.

But i'm bad too

It's not the "i'm bad but i did my best"

it's "why the f am i crouching while shooting" and "why am i spraying at 100 meters ?"

These are basic mistakes that I corrected when i became immortal some time ago.

I have to learn the basic again

boring

In theory i have an ascendant/low immortal level

I could teach an ascendant and show him his mistakes

Also, i know exactly what to do when i play

But when i have to kill the enemy, ..

Btw the only reason i play Valorant again, is because my brother said while watching a twitch stream "oh this guy is so good".
It was a Radiant on Valorant

For me, getting to Radiant on Valorant or Challenger on League of Legends is just some stupid thing i can do in a few months

I learn way harder skills than being good at a videogame...

And my peak rank in these games when i was a kid is higher than almost everyone playing them. So i should be able to get back to immortal, then get Radiant.

The only problem is the time it takes, it's soooo slow to rank up

Even for a smurf

Damnnn i only have 1h of class on monday

All teachers are absent

This is so cool

But it means I couldn't see S

[gritty spindle]

so is it overall good or overall bad day?

[earnest pivot]

For me, there’s no good or bad days—every day is a good day, just with either good or bad moments. Even bad moments help you grow and learn, and I think "a good day is a day you learn something." So, in the end, every day is a good day.

Today wasn’t bad, though. I didn’t do anything special, just a normal, simple day.

--
Goodnight diary.

[earnest pivot]

---

Hello diary, i almost died at ninjutsu level crossing. I woke up after a 30 hours "sleep", and had to go to school instantly. I talked with S but this is not the moment to write about her.
I AGAIN failed. So i'll pass the 3th try in 6 days.

I have a big scar on my back caused by a katana duel during one of the test.
I hate katana duels. It's not fencing, you can't block and attack. And it's not an anime, you can die in a few seconds. Duels are few seconds long too.

It's the 3th time i'll try it so the points i need are multiplied by 1.3, without talking about how injured i am. But i have to win.

If i win, i'll be promoted elite, and will be able to claim my Champion title

Why did i win the finals if i can't claim the Champion title

I'll be the youngest elite after one of our previous leader far in time.

But i can't become leader for all the reasons i already explained

Haha it's fun, i saw many people on internet wish that they could live my life, on Reddit posts

Because they see it like we can see it in Animes, but it's not this cool

For me, a strong-minded person, it's still insanely hard for the mental. The physic side is even worst.

Btw i love how people think they can beat me in a fight

Because i am a girl and i'm cute doesn't mean i'm weak

Ofc in general girls are weaker than mans

And i hate when people debate this "gngn girls and mans are strong the same" shut upp delusionnal

But there's exceptions, ofc, and i am one of them

If i wasn't an exception, would i think like them ?

Probably. Or Not.

It hurts a lot

I don't mind pain as i said before

But it really hurt.

It's hard to describe it since no one have to live this

Imagine being cut almost everywhere + having soreness in all muscles + bruises all over the body + lost a lot of blood + got out of a 30 hour ko

It's the situation i'm in

And i also forgot to mention the "waking up in a dark room for punishment for losing, then having to rush home, wash all the blood, hide all injuries, be questionned and yelled over by your big brother then go to school in a hurry"

Aaah this part of my life is not easy guys, and all the people talking about wanting such a life on the internet are a shame

It doesn't mean that i don't like it, i like this part of my life.

But it's not something you have because you wanted it, in first place.

--
This is there reason i didn't write much on this diary lately since i was hum.. sleeping.

Most of the time, when i don't write here, it means that i write on my another diaries

If i don't write any message here for a long period of time without an obvious reason in the last messages, it means that i'm dead

Death shouldn't be a sad thing, so i hope, if there's people reading this diary, that they won't be sad. I'm not sad, so no one should be for me.

Ahm.. i want to read, do other things

But i have no time, i already have to go to sleep for tomorrow

I have a math exam but i understand nothing of this chapter since i missed math class for a long time

It's on convexity

Idk if it's called like that in english

It's with f''(x)

Nvm, fck this life, it's boring.

Why do i have to study this

I prefer dying at a ninjutsu tournment

Or a ninjutsu clan war

Aaaah why do we stopped clan domination war

Ofc with firearms now, it's pretty obvious

But why...

In the time, our clan fought in huge clan wars to assert its dominance. It's so cool to read books on this.
Btw anyone reading this diary can't find any information on this. I guess no one has ever heard of ninjutsu in their life, much less the ninjutsu clans, since they have always been in the shadows of societies.

And it's less common in America

In Asia there's been a lot of ninjutsu clan

In Europa wayyy less, and America it's almost inexistant, from the informations in the books

I would've liked to be an assassin trained by my clan few years ago

I'm not allowed to talk about the illegal side of our clan if there's one, even if i hide my identity.

Mhhh it's annoying i wanted to write about it

I'll do that in another diary ig

There's still assassins nowadays

In life, not in our clan

There's still people who can like in movies, fight a lot of people with guns and win. But assassins are now mostly snipers and poisoners.

From what I know, there are very few people in the world who are incredibly skilled in gunfights—beyond what you can imagine. I read a story in our history books about the old leader of our enemy clan. He fought and killed three ninjas from our clan, then got into a gunfight with our elite and took down four more before he was killed. The gunfight lasted nine days. It wasn’t just a simple “i shoot, and you’re dead” kind of fight. They predicted each other’s moves, held positions, and used a lot of strategy.

Our clan is not really objective on this point and this defeat has been mitigated as much as possible. So imagine the true story ?

If this man looks so strong in a story made to decrease his epicness ?

I believe that most of the populations nowadays see this as an impossible thing we can only see in movies

But it's exactly because of movies you think that.

In our society this kind of stories has no importance

We prefer crying about taxes and our bad president, and watch action movies thinking these skills are made up for action.

If i could show my skills, me, not one of strongest people in the world, you would instantly believe that movies are not even close to what the elite of this world can do.

The elites in this world are in very very protected and hidden clans

The leader of these clans are unbelievably strong.

It's not something you can find on google

Or even on the darknet

It's something no one will never hear about, except from this diary in their entiere lifetime

And even if you were immortal, you would probably never hear about it

Elites are not made to be discovered

That's why i can talk about this so freely lol

What i say doesn't matter, since who'll believe my words ? I still hope people who read that will, since it would mean i'm a liar; but it doesn't matter. If everyone reading that believe me, then 0,000000171% of the population will know about clans. Woooow such a big number.... Lol

And who'll will be able to prove it ? There's not a single piece of information on that.

I'm not saying "clans rules this world", but clans are powerful.

It's not only how we have strong humans

But how much power we hold in the shadow of each society

Do you know about State Secret ? It's informations that each government have, and reveal to the most important people like presidents. So it means that everyone knows that each country has big secrets they cannot share, and a lot of them.

So imagine what you don't know ?

If you know that there's things that you don't know, it means that there's things you don't know that you don't know.

Clans are part of this.

You know there are state secrets because they are not as secret as the world's top secrets.

Let's name these secrets a "providence". It's a close word from the original. I know the exact word to name these secrets but i can't rly share it, it would mean giving evidences to my saying, and as you can guess... Anyway.

I don't know all providences

I know about clans and 1 more

2 more actually

Also, i know the biggest state secrets of most of the countries, and i can ask them. How is this possible ?
Imagine giving a rank to everyone on earth.
A lambda people is "A",
A president is "B"
A clan member is "C".
So the secret of a lambda person is classed "A"
A state secret is classed "B"
And a clan existence secret is classed "C".
Ofc for anyone lambda classed A, it's just almost impossible to hear about state secrets. It's unthinkable. Even if you spend years searching on darknet, you would find a very few, not very important.
A person classed B doesn't care of your little A secrets, if he wants, he can inspect your computer or cctv and get all the secrets of your life. Every secret.
A person classed C, like me, can know state secrets like a president or a police could know a lambda people secrets.

There's higher ranks.

A clan leader would be classed "D"

And i don't even know if it's near the highest rank.

Is there so much more important, things that clans classed C, are secondary and known by way more powerful people ?

I cannot imagine it

So can a random person reading this

Aaaah this world is way more complex than anyone thinks

That's why i hate how trivial are most humans

To OctoRuler who asked me on this diary why i bother myself thinking about so complex subjects

This might be a main reason why.

When you know all of that, is a normal daily life and trivial human problems interesting?

And let's say i'm a liar and made all that up, because it could be a counter argument for someone knowing nothing about this (almost everyone in this world lmao). For me this is the truth, so even if it wasn't and i'm lying, i see this as the truth. So try to imagine being me, imagining/knowing this, how can i live a normal stupid life.

It's way harder to do so when you know so much

I would like te innocent too and never know about that

I would like to be like anyone reading these words, a person reading someone else saying, without any evidence. Just enjoying someone's story.

If it was real, it would be cool, if it wasn't, it's still nice to read and looks like the plot of a novel

But when you know it

When you know it's real

I swear

I swear, it's a torture to act as a normal ignorant human.

I would like to be the one reading me, to be the ignorant you, any reader.

--
i shouldve went to sleep 44m ago

It's really bad.

I do not have a single clue how i went from ninjutsu to "i don't like knowing all of this", but i like exploring my thoughts so deeply.

Aaah but yeah it's true, i would like to be ignorant

I could force me to forget tho, since i control my brain really well

But why would i do that

Knowledge is a curse. Even religion says it lol. That's why humans got kicked out from heaven according to christianity

If i was stupid enough to make me forget such an important thing, i would cross a big limit. What is more important than what i know on this world ?-Well, what a person classed D knowns, but let's forget it. There's nothing more important. So if i was to forget that by choice, i could make me forget anything. It's really terrifying to think that i could delete part of myself by want, and i prefer not thinking about it.

Imagine losing a part of your personality because you decided to ?

Losing love for someone because you decided to ? And don't even regret it because you forced your brain to see this as a good thing ? This kind of manipulation is the most horrifying thing i can think of.

Anyway, i wrote more than usual, but i haven't wrote in a diary for the last 30 hours so it was necessary, and it's still not enough.

I'll go meditate for 3/4 hours then go to sleep. Meditation is like sleep to me, but my body and brain physical damage doesn't heal while meditating... Physical damage heals better when you sleep, i'm not surhuman, i cannot change this.

--
Goodnight diary.

[gritty spindle]

Man, despite how interesting and anime this whole clan thing sounds

(And it sounds awesome as hell)

Living it must be painful huh

[earnest pivot]

Mhh yeah it's way better to hear about this rather than living it, just like animes.

[earnest pivot]

But it's not that bad, i was a bit dramatic yesterday cuz i was not in a good mood and exhausted

---

Tonight i realized how bad it is to talk about the topics i talked about

I'm used to write about that in my other diaries, but this is public, it's not a good idea

Not because people could believe it, but because if a person classed C or higher found this, i would be in trouble

Btw there's no rank, i made them to make the explaining easier

[earnest pivot]

So i'll avoid talking abt this

I have math exam in 1 hour

But m going to the school canteen with S. It’s my first chance to eat with her, so i don't eat at home today.

And i can't study math

She's so cute; I wonder how gracefully she eats.

That might sound a bit strange, but it’s a genuine wonder.

[gleaming breach]

is this a crush i see?

[earnest pivot]

nooo

i don't like girls i think, and she might not too :'

[gritty spindle]

and are those good things or bad things then :)

[earnest pivot]

mhh, a mix of both, being attached to someone can hurt, but it's really nice

[gritty spindle]

yeah can relate honestly

[earnest pivot]

--
today i learned that S is as rich as i thought. We ended up school at the same hour so i sneaked up to the private side of school and waited for her. This side is full of rich and important people, and they know each other perfectly... They were all looking at me, it's like being a random person in the middle of a family dinner. Not the same situation but the same feeling. I waited for her and she was surprised to see me here. She told me to not do that ever again, and to not talk to her if i wanted to avoid problems. I asked why and she replied that i shouldn't be friend with someone like her, and that charabia, but i didn't care. I more cared about why do other people treat her this way; ignore her and bully the people who care about her. Then we got out of school, and she told me to stop following her, because her parents or driver would see me and it could make her problems. so her family is strict, and she is ignored at school ? Poor girl. I told her goodbye and waited at a corner. Damnn she entered this beautiful expensive red car. It was a ferrari. I then asked a ask how much cost a ferrari and he answered ~500k. But it depends of it was a La Ferrari. He asked how the doors open, i told him "not in a normal way, they rise upwards". He was shocked and said that this car i saw is a La Ferrari and is 10 times more expensive, 5 millions USD 💀

whoo use a $5M car to get home from school

this is crazy.

So she is rich.

At least her parents

well it's nothing surprising, everyone in this side of school have these cars

but what's disturbing is, why does her driver or parents whoever they are, use such a car to get home from school ?

This makes her in a incomfortable position

even if the car was waiting a bit far from school, on a parking, so it's not visible by many people

i would like to know who she is.
-- **aside topic **

Btw i decided to use often in this diary the 'rank system' i made yesterday to explain the powers in the world.

But i won't explain the C rank more

to sum up :
Rank A is a normal people
Rank B is a president or important people you can think of, in the society
Rank D is the people "above governments and countries", the powerful hidden in the shadows of the world/societies
Rank C is everyone who know a Rank D person, and know the truth about the hidden side of the power in the world.

D is higher than C, i just put D before so i can explain C better

nah let me just rephrase this

• Rank A: Ordinary people, like most of the population.
• Rank B: People who hold important positions in society, such as presidents or influential leaders.
• Rank C: Those who are aware of the existence of Rank D individuals and understand the hidden side of power in the world.
• Rank D: The people who are "above governments and countries" — the powerful figures who operate in the shadows, controlling things behind the scenes.

aaaah yes, this is way better

I am Rank C; if someone's reading this and doesn't understand it, well you should read what i've typed yesterday and tonight

-- end of aside topic
maybe is S a Rank C person too ?

it's extremely rare

It's near impossible

The most important people of our private side of school are Rank B

so, kids of important people in the society

like minsters, presidents, but also things like mafia kids if there's mafias, well you get my point.

If she were rank C it would mean that she knows exactly who i am, because i'm not really high in the hierarchy lol, i'm just in a ninjutsu clan
-- aside topic

it's like comparing a deputy who's famous so has power, to an king of a country... Both are Rank B, but the deputy is really low in the hierarchy of rank B.

i'm the deputy

the leader of our clan is Rank D

he probably knows things i cannot imagine

like a rank A people couldn't imagine what i wrote yesterday

i took the example of "secrets" to explain it yesterday, so yeah a rank B can know every secret on a Rank A, a Rank C like me, can know every secret on states or presidents, who are Rank B, and a Rank D, ofc knows all the life of Rank Cs because well, to be a rank C, you need to know a rank D.

my leader isn't "above governments". We don't have such power

should i add Rank E for that actually ?

naaah i'm too lazy to correct my rank system

i rly want to know how "ranks" they are

is there someone above my leader ? Like my leader is above me and i'm above a president, and a president is above a citizen

is there someone above my leader

and is there someone above the leader of my leader

Does Rank Z exist ?

naaah impossible

if Rank E is the few people who can rule the world in secret, then Rank F would be gods and destiny, we're not talking about anything real anymore lol

wait why i go so far on this topic everytime

in all my diaries i talk so much about this

i was just talking about S and i ended up on this again

-- end of aside topic

So yes, if she is Rank C, she knows probably almost everything about me.

If we give a value of importance for each Rank, i'm 1/10 of Rank C

Yeah i'm almost ninjutsu Champion and could become the future leader without the restrictions, but i'm this far from Rank D.

Someone way higher in value of importance could know my clan and my life, and everything.

Maybe she knows everything about me ?

I'm just being crazy, why would she try to know more about me lol

the probably thinks i'm a Rank A random people

But is she's the type of people to always spy on other's life, get infos on the people who try to be her friends, ect

she might know all of my life.

• she seems to be someone important, so it would be normal for her to search on someone who's trying to be her friend

i could be a bad person with bad intentions, who know about her.

Or maybe i'm just crazy and she's a rank A random person lmao

But my instinct tells me that she's important, way more than i am.

she is already better as a human than me

it's hard for me to tell this because it NEVER happened before

i don't know if i talked about this here

She is a better version of me

She can know my feelings by reading my face, when i'm insanely good at hiding them

She reads me like a book

I feel safe and in danger with her

If she is on my side, she is the biggest ally i will get in my life

but if she's not, i'm absolutly in danger

she reads me without filter

she even guessed i'm hurt by seeing that i support more on a leg than another. Well this is my supposition, she didn't tell me anything abt this.

Actually this is a basic skill at ninjutsu

searching for one's weaknesses

so i can spot these kind of things too, but i'm highly trained.

And being able to spot it, means that i also know how to hide it, and ofc i hide it, why would i go to school with more visible injuries each day ? I would bring too much attention on me.

So it means that she's more trained than other people in my clan ? Because no one noticed at ninjutsu class.

When she watched me appoach at library, she looked at me. She usually don't look at me until i'm next to her. And she instantly looked at where i was hurt after just seeing me walk a single step.

So i think she guessed

Does she know how to fight ? Or maybe she has incredible deduction skills

and obversation skills

She doesn't look like she can fight

So if she does, it means that she can hide it.

And the only one who can hide his combat skills from me is my leader.

When you look at him, even after knowing how strong he is, he doesn't look like a threat at all.

Same for S, but even worst, it's a girl, and she is too beautiful to be a threat lol

If she does know how to fight

she might be way way better than me.

but she is younger than me, and i'm already considered at the biggest "prodigy" on my clan all time, so WHAT IS SHE ?

Aaaaah i can't think of anything else

Who

WHOO is she

Does she beat me in a fight ?

For some reason i would like to lose against her in a fight

i would never be able to fight at 100% tho

fights at this level can always kill the other by accident

it's not like good people at a martial art class who can hurt themself

we're a level higher, and aren't supposed to do any mistakes

we fight with real weapons, remember ?

Most of the time, for example the katana fights, for a normal hit, we would just aim the neck, with the intention of killing, and there's 100% chance of the opponent blocking it.

It's just, too obvious. It's a natural reaction to block it, we know that there's no way this works, but it's how we fight.

Imagine if you could see the future, and know that a punch will be blocked, but you still throw the punch, because you have to lol, you're fighting.

So yeah, knowing this, there's 0% chance to kill someone by accident in these fights

but imagine that the opponent for a reason that CANNOT happen to someone trained like us, does a mistake, or faint for a reason, idk imagine what you want; He wouldn't be able to block the katana, and he would just get killed, because we excepted from him at this level of fighting to be able to protect this basic strike.

So there's a risk of dying during fights of this level.

That's the reason why i will never able to fight S correctly if she really was someone who can beat me in a fight

It means that she would win lol

Why i say this, there's a chance i'm imagining scenarios and she has never fought someone of her life lol

--
I should buy nitro to post longer messages, it's annoying when i write blocks of text

Oh, btw idk if i should post videos of my ninjutsu training here

i really want to

i thought it would be dangerous for me since it could reveal my identity, but i have a ninjutsu suit

ninja clothes if you prefer

it also means that it's the clothes used by our clan, so it would give credit to everything i said here, also to my system of rank ; To take a shortcut this would be an evidence that rank C exists. And as i said yesterday, giving evidences to this is ofc a terrible idea if i want to live old and have kids \💀

But i want to share itt

I have some crazy videos

like my first 920° kick

my first 1v5 kunaïs

and my 5 bullseyes shuriken throw at 12.5 meters

this is one the most insane clip i have

no one is able to realize how hard is it

Ask someone who practices knife or axe throwing if they often hit the bullseye at 12.5 meters. Then ask them if they can do it 5 times in a row.
They’ll tell you it’s not humanly possible.

Now imagine doing it with something as small as a shuriken, plus air resistance. And, of course, shurikens are thrown at very high speeds.

I don't even want to remember how hard it was

But i was really bad at shurikens compared to other weapons

Btww, our clan is a ninjutsu clan, so yes we learn ninjutsu

but as i told you, historically we trained assassins in the past, so our training is general

i can't rate my combat skills, bcz i don't want to give my weaknesses lol

i can tell few of them

i'm really good at disarming someone in any situation from a medium distance

my leader can disarm someone from a long distance. THIS IS CRAZY

He moves like a fking rabbit

No time to raise the gun, he's already taken it from you, or taken the magazine out somehow.

we also learn how guns are designed so we can disarm them with throwing weapons

but it's not really recommanded and we don't do it.

Accuracy isn't always constant. There's situations where we can be constant on a throw

for example if we have an arm cut lol

small/medium injuries aren't enough to decrease our accuracy, we're trained for it...

People imagine that real fights are like a movie with longg and full fight scenes. But there's more thinking side.

For people trained like us, the fight is 90% reflection, anticipation, ect

and 10% fighting

it seems obvious, but a single bullet in the head and someone's dead

we can't avoid bullets... We're humans

Although, with our training, we'll almost never get in a situation where we can get shot freely

So NO, fights are not 1s long.

People often think "since movies are not real life, yeah 1 bullet and you're dead, end of the it."

that's true for most of the people

but the elite fights are way harder.

From the story i told yesterday, a gunfight can last 9 days... a simple 1 vs 10+, 9 days.

GUNfight, with guns.

I can't explain more bcz it would be revealing my clan's strategies

Even if i talk about general strategies, most of this isn't something a non-elite can use

with Rank A people, a single bullet and it's the end lol. You're not trained from birth.

The universal best advice i have, is to run when you face a danger

it's not being a coward

One of our core principles is "Keep running until you find a way to win.”

so, yeah, run.

Idk what i was talking abt before going so far

i'll stop here for today

I'll go read a book

Should i rename this diary for something more related to my clan ? I made this diary to think and write about.FoLs (fragments of life), but i didn't even started thinking about it. I just wrote a summary of what happened

And in this diary i always talk about ninjutsu.

The title of one of my diary should be his main topic, it's a basic rule

It's something really important to me, so i need to think about it overnight

--
Goodnight diary.

[earnest pivot]

I made a weird dream

Keywords to remember : dad, money, ask, angry, insult, vocal, chatgpt, autocorrection

[gritty spindle]

Lucid dream?

Cool

[earnest pivot]

Nop, this wasn't a lucid dream

I make a lucid dream like every 2 days, and i can remember usually 3 dreams per night

I love dreaming

When i dream i'm able to feel real feelings without simulating them

I can feel anger

I can be a normal human

For lucid dreams, 1 dream every 2 days is like 5% of lucid dream, it's really high

[earnest pivot]

I won't talk about my dreams here, i have an entiere diary for this

I just typed that to remember i made this dream

The most important point on remembering dream is "on what subject was it?" And to remember you had a dream lol

In almost 100% of the cases, when you wake up 4/5/6 hour or so after you started sleeping, you wake up during a dream, and on the moment ofc you remember it

If you sleep again, once you wake up you'lk forget it

Dreams are not fixed in memory

It's like cache on a pc

You can save it, but if you don't it gets remplaced and erased

So, just writing "i had a dream about : keyword1, keyword2" will likely make you able to remember the full dream.

Whe you wake up and say "i had no dreams this night"

It's maybe because you didn't wake up at all and made a 1 time sleep, and not woke up during a dream, so yeah you don't remember any

But for the ppl who don't have a calm sleep and can wake up, most of the time, you woke up during a dream and remembered it, but then you just felt asleep again in the second, not trying to fix it in your memory.

When you wake up you might be like "i didn't dream" or " i didn't wake up this night "

But you did buddy

You just didn't fix these memories in your brain because you didn't want to

So you forgot.

Btw lucid dreams are crazy.

If someone knows how to have lucid dream and control them, understand what i say

You can do whatever you want with practice

It's like an isekai anime

You just build your capacity of staying in dream

The more you're good of stabilazing your dream, the more you can.

ANYTHING you want

The hardest things to do in dreams are fantasms

Beause it increases our bpm

So the dream becomes unstable and fade away

But with practice you can do whatever you wish to do

The most amazing first experience of every lucid dreamer, is to fly.

Yeah, flying in dreams is even more intense that it could be irl.

You feel everything, the wind, the smell is the same as it would be, the sounds

The colors

The luminosity

But since it's a since, it's even more realistic than in reality, because you feel way more sensations (hard to explain in english for me sry)

I use lucid dreams mostly to meditate when i'm serious

And when i want to have fun

I just do whatever i want

Do you remember dreams where your brain created something ultra complex and you're surprised by it ? It happens often. Like a whole universe

I'm playing piano online with z friend

I finish this after

[earnest pivot]

Damnnn my friend just played La Campanella speeded up 1.3 times, this is CRAZYYY. Really.

Howww

Its been a few weeks he was trying to do it

It was almost perfect

Tomorrow i have a philosophy exam

I'm dead, i hate this exam

On our final exam we will have the choice between analyse of a text and dissertation

This is an exam on analyse of a text, but i'm bad for that, it's boring

I prefer dissertations, like i always do on this diary

[earnest pivot]

Ok i spent way way too much time with my friend

I gtg sleep

I'll meditate during lucid dream if i have one, but i saw S a lot today and when i see her, my mind is less lost

So i don't need to reorganize it so much

I also should study philosophy i forgotttt

I could do with a part of my brain during meditation but since i won't...

I don't feel like studying in the lucid dream

Since it's vocabulary i have to study and learn

I cannt imagine them i have to know them

So yeah, i'll do that tomorrow on my way to school ig

Good luck to me

--
Goodnight diary.

[earnest pivot]

Haha i need to be at school in 3m and i just woke up

I guess we're on a 76h missed in 4 mpnths of school

Nah not "we"

Just I

--
Dream keyword :
Wich, war, boats, powerful, death, bowls, fight, secret weapon, village rob, fairies

In 2 days i'm on vacation

I was late to school bcs my brother allowed me to sleep with him and it's been a long time

I don't need my phone to ring to wake me up

I have a good internal clock

But sometimes i unconsciously refuse to wake up

When i'm sleeping too well

It was the case here

I think that he only person who i really care for is my brother

It's not a fake feeling i made to zct as a normal human

I would be sad if he died

Not because death is sad, i alrdy tamked about ths in a PhV

But because i couldnkt be with him

I have some kind of addiction for him

Dependance

It's nothing bad because he's a good personc

He's someone incredible and the reason why i know so much and am good at so much things

He has the role of mentor, father, brother,