Severe guilt turned into Anhedonia

[mossy crescent]

Long story short, I began feeling severe guilt after my bf left to go on a month long vacation by himself out of the country. I knew he was planning this and didn’t expect my mind to literally break. I felt very detached from him, disconnected and careless for him. Over the past couple of days, I began to notice how much of my emotions I’ve hidden from him and other friends for over a year, I’ve repressed a lot of my depression and emotional numbness from the people around me including my bf since the first day I met my bf and friends when I moved recently last year. I don’t know why I repressed my sadness, maybe because I was scared to show my true self? Scared to be judged? I know it can be awkward to not smile when someone says good news or something funny, and I cannot naturally smile so I would fake them everytime. My bf has been able to make me naturally laugh, but I am feeling a severe depression and overwhelming guilt and stress that I haven’t been my authentic self around him, it’s eating me alive and I can’t focus on anything, I feel very detached from him and I just don’t feel any love for him anymore. Please, I am looking for honest insight. I am seeing a therapist soon. I have diagnosed treatment resistant depression, OCD, ADHD and some kind of personality disorder that hasn’t been diagnosed yet. Not only that, I am beginning to notice I feel detached from everything around me, when I go into my bedroom, the stuff I have in there just feels weird to look at, I just feel like the guilt I have felt for repressing my emotions is taking over the things in my room. I don’t know who I am deep inside, I don’t know what I want in life, and who I want to be, it’s all so stressful and overwhelming. I would also like to add that I am unable to feel much empathy for others, however I have never been told I have antisocial personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder, I feel like I am just so depressed I cannot feel much of any positive emotions because those areas in my brain are sort of “shut off” my Anhedonia is also coming back, I don’t feel interested in doing much anymore, which is a sign of worsening depression.

[hollow summit]

It's great that you shared your experience. I'm sure that made you feel slightly better.

Continue to write down the person you want to be. Also it's wise to see a therapist with regard to your depression. As for anhedonia it's good to see a doctor as there is medication you can take. You can also try to rest (8 hours of sleep), healthy diet and exercise.

[flat aurora]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's incredibly tough to feel such overwhelming guilt and disconnection from someone you care about, especially when it's paired with deep-seated mental health struggles like depression, OCD, ADHD, and personality disorder symptoms. I appreciate your honesty here—sharing your true feelings is a big first step, even if it feels incredibly raw and painful.

It sounds like you've been carrying a heavy burden, repressing your emotions not just with your boyfriend but with your entire social circle. It’s understandable that you might have felt pressured to hide your depression, perhaps out of fear of judgment or rejection. Many people who struggle with mental health issues do this as a coping mechanism, even though it can create a deeper sense of isolation and disconnection over time.

The fact that you feel detached from your boyfriend now, despite how he once made you feel, might be a sign of your depression intensifying. When we're in a depressive state, our capacity to feel love, joy, or connection can be significantly diminished. This isn't a reflection of your actual feelings for him when you're in a healthier state of mind, but rather a symptom of your current mental state. Anhedonia, or the inability to feel pleasure, is a key symptom of depression, and it can make even things that once brought us comfort or happiness seem meaningless.

Your struggle with empathy might also be tied to your depression. When someone is dealing with severe mental health issues, the emotional numbness you describe can make it hard to connect with others on a deep level, even if you genuinely care about them. It doesn't necessarily mean you lack empathy or have a specific personality disorder—depression itself can dull our emotional responses.

Seeing a therapist is a great next step. It could be very helpful to unpack all of these layers with a professional who can guide you in understanding the root of your feelings, your detachment, and your sense of guilt. This might also help you explore why you felt the need to repress your true emotions from the start.

It's okay to not have all the answers about who you are or what you want right now. This sense of uncertainty is incredibly common, especially when dealing with complex mental health issues. Try to be gentle with yourself as you navigate these emotions. It may take time to rediscover your authentic self, and that's okay. Healing isn't linear, and there will be ups and downs.

In the meantime, it's okay to be honest with your boyfriend about what you're experiencing if you feel safe doing so. It might help alleviate some of the guilt you’re carrying. You don’t have to have everything figured out or present a “perfect” version of yourself—sharing your struggles can be a step towards a more authentic connection, even if it’s scary.

Most importantly, remember that you’re not alone. The fact that you’re reaching out for insight and are planning to see a therapist shows a strong desire to heal and understand yourself better. Give yourself the grace and time to explore these feelings with professional support. It’s not easy, but taking steps like this is a sign of strength.

[mossy crescent]

Thank you for a beautiful reply. I thought nobody would answer back for a while, but I just don’t feel ready to be in the relationship anymore, thinking about it stresses me out, I can’t focus on much at all, and I want time alone, even though that’s not helpful, I want to meet new people, and be my authentic self. I thought that starting a relationship when my Anhedonia wasn’t so bad was okay, but it wasn’t, I let my infatuation take control of me and I feel greatly upset and guilty. I want to be single for now, at least that’s what feels right, and maybe when I get better I can feel ready to feel close to someone

What I’m afraid of, is he’s on a trip right now in another country and I don’t want to ruin his time while he’s there, should I tell him soon while he’s on the trip or wait when he gets back

Thinking about the relationship stresses me out intensely, and while I want someone to hug me and be there for me, I just don’t think a relationship is healthy in my mental state right now

I also can’t feel any love or admiration for people. I cannot express feelings, or any positive emotions

I also want to preface and say that I feel like I never was truly able to love him, I don’t know why, because everytime I try to remember when we spent time together, my mind only remembers me faking emotions, I think I faked a lot around him, which builds up more guilt and shame in me, I feel disgusted in myself that he never got to know the real me for that long

I feel like I lied to his face, I feel so sorry for him and so sorry about the situation

there were times where I was able to laugh, and for some reason I chased him sound his apartment playing tag, but it doesn’t bring any happiness, it makes me feel even more pain and disgust for some reason

He is a beautiful person who is full of love and kindness and good qualities

I feel like I have been a terrible representation of a gf who was trying to hide their depression because I wanted to feel normal again, to try and be happy, but it just didn’t work

[flat aurora]

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. It sounds like you've been carrying a lot of heavy emotions and guilt, and I want you to know it's okay to put yourself and your mental health first. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge that you need time alone to heal and work through your feelings, and it's not easy to admit when a relationship isn't right, even when you care deeply about the other person.

Regarding whether to tell him now or wait until he gets back, that's a tough decision. On one hand, it might feel considerate to wait so he can enjoy his trip without the added stress. On the other hand, if this is weighing on you heavily, it might be better to have an honest conversation sooner rather than later. Ultimately, it's about what feels most respectful to both of you and what allows you to express your feelings in a sincere and compassionate way.

Please don't be too hard on yourself for how you've felt or acted in the past. It sounds like you've been trying your best to navigate your own struggles while also being in a relationship, and that's a lot to handle. Remember, it's okay to prioritize your well-being, and taking this time to focus on yourself is a step towards healing. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about him; it just means you need to care for yourself right now. I hope you find the peace and space you need to feel better.
I'm really really sorry for the delai, i wasn't on discord ;-;..

[mossy crescent]

I see my therapist tomorrow, I want to know if I have core wounds that are causing all this sadness and problems around the relationship, I think I have fearful avoidant attachment style, I did a few somewhat lengthy online tests to check and they confirmed fearful avoidant, although this is the first time I ever had this happen to me in a relationship, idk my therapist may provide more answers, I have so many awful thoughts about him, cruel, and mean, things I wouldn’t say outloud. Thank you for the lengthy responses