#I'm losing the faith that I can be a better person

60 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

hybrid dirge
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I've been dealing with depression since I was 9 (currently 21). I know what it's like to live without hope, but I've always tried my best irrespective of that. Recently, I got into a very bad breakup with my partners of almost two years— where I learned that the behaviors I had normalized towards my partners was abusive. It wasn't just them; my mom agreed with that sentiment and someone else I trusted corroborated the idea that I was leaning into severely abusive behaviors. I've been grappling with a lot recently, but mainly the fact that I seem to be constantly stumbling over myself. The behaviors that were pointed out as abusive were things so normalized to me that they never even processed. An abuser doesn't think about it when they do it. I'm losing that faith that I can change and, more importantly, I'm losing the will to fight.

TL;DR ‐ I've struggled with depression all my life. I was the abuser in a recent relationship and am losing the faith to change. I'm not sure how to unroot these habits.

late sierra
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Recognizing and addressing abusive behavior is a significant and positive first step. Here are some key approaches to help you change and break out of unhealthy patterns:

  1. Acknowledge Your Behavior: Take an honest look at how you treat others. Reflect on your actions and the impact they may have on those around you. This self-awareness is crucial for change.

  2. Understand the Roots: Try to explore the underlying reasons behind your behavior. It could stem from past trauma, stress, or learned patterns. Therapy can help unpack and address these roots in a safe space.

  3. Learn New Ways to Cope: Many people engage in unhealthy behavior as a way to cope with stress, insecurity, or frustration. Work on developing healthier ways to manage your emotions, like mindfulness, journaling, or physical activity.

  4. Take Responsibility Without Blame-Shifting: It’s easy to justify or downplay behavior by blaming external factors or others. Commit to owning your actions fully, regardless of circumstances.

  5. Seek Professional Help: Therapy, especially anger management or behavior therapy, can be very effective in reshaping responses and emotional reactions. Support groups for abusive behavior can also offer accountability.

  6. Practice Empathy: Make an effort to consider how others feel and the harm caused by abusive behavior. Empathy can help shift your mindset and make you more mindful of your actions.

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  1. Set Boundaries: Learn to create space when you feel overwhelmed. Taking a break during moments of intense emotion can prevent impulsive, harmful reactions.

  2. Commit to Ongoing Change: Change doesn’t happen overnight. Keep a journal of your progress, set specific goals for yourself, and celebrate improvements. Be patient and persistent.

  3. Ask for Feedback: If possible, talk to those close to you about your progress. Apologize sincerely for past behaviors and ask for their support in keeping you accountable, if they are comfortable doing so.

  4. Educate Yourself: Learn more about healthy communication and respectful relationships. Reading books or taking courses on these topics can help replace negative habits with constructive ones.

Breaking free from abusive behaviors is challenging but completely achievable with commitment.

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Sure 👍

hybrid dirge
# late sierra Recognizing and addressing abusive behavior is a significant and positive first ...

i was gonna say "thanks doc" but if i recall that'd be improper. still, thanks. regrettably i can't quite afford therapy as-is, but it doesn't mean there's nothing for me to do about it. i have a strong support network of friends that have been with me for almost ten years now and that's more than some people ever get. i'm going to be making some incremental changes over time to introduce those important lifestyle shifts like routine exercise, see how it helps

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and I'll probably journal here seldomly for those sore spots

hybrid dirge
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My ex-partner and myself are talking to keep one another updated on our progress, we both just got in touch with relevant therapy programs. Outside of that, I've slowly begun to put workouts into my routine

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I'll need to work on my core and arm strength to be able to do pushups. It sucks to say but I am not as young as I used to be 😭

hybrid dirge
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Sometimes, we talk and it's productive. Other times, they snap at me or act abrasive. It's almost more relieving to know now that they straightforwardly don't trust me instead of halfheartedly loving me while talking about issues where I can't see them

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Almost? No, it's a lot more relieving honestly. It's been much more peaceful to know that they're being honest with me

hybrid dirge
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The more I talk with my friends, the more I realize that they're poking holes in my relationship that I was too unfocused to notice, since I've been looking inwards and whatnot

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Makes me think the trust was gone for a longer time than a few weeks or months prior. Makes me think I should have wanted better for myself. But even if those things are true, so is the fact that I did wrong. Those facts can co-exist and both of us doing the other harm doesn't invalidate either of us

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Time to work out

hybrid dirge
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I'm seeing all my friends in happy relationships and it's making me jaded. It didn't get under my skin at all before, even when I knew my relationship was worse off than theirs

wheat ivy
smoky pier
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I've had a horrible history many years ago back on DA when my Username used to be called "Nascar221" and I used to ship myself with a fictional character from Pokemon called "Serena" and my self insert character was a South Park style character with train buffers from front to back and many people were very mean to me but I was only young and new when I first joined Deviantart and many people wanted me dead and abuse me, even to do this day many people won't let go of my past even if I had changed my ways. but that's not the worst part for me. I had became a crew member of someone by the name of "TheMilanTooner-Milan Prsa" of his project called "The Railways of Crotoonia" and even another project called "IslandSide Adventures" by "The KB Express-Reuben Hoyle" and I've only been a member for one year until I went back into old habits and Milan and his crew had kicked out when some unknown jerk had told them about my history and they no longer trust me anymore and also Reuben Hoyle became unhappy with me and now thinks I can no longer change and told other people who were also my friends that I can't be trusted! I'm now in a complete depression and think many people can no longer trust me... I was angry with the Crotoonia crew for kicking me out and saw they do things that I didn't like. Even Milan and Reuben are still using my old content but I don't want to see that! How I can make myself a better person?😢

hybrid dirge
plush ore
hybrid dirge
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Sorry, on second thought I don't want to keep checking this chat and seeing the message I sent. I believe what was said to me was true, but I don't want every part of my struggles to be visible at a glance. Some things cut too deep

plush ore
# hybrid dirge Sorry, on second thought I don't want to keep checking this chat and seeing the ...

That's alright, but yeah, I struggle with some of those things as well. I did see them before you deleted the message, but had other things to do before I could respond. But yeah, it takes time to learn how to deal with them. The first one, depending on the context, isn't all that bad. Poor communication is a bad trait to have, but it's not abusive in and of itself. If you're not expressing how you feel, and I mean truly feel, or talking about issues that pop up, then it could be considered a negative trait, but I'm not seeing it as abusive in and of itself.

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Then again, you're talking to someone who also suffers from years of depression so that could just be how my brain is working.

hybrid dirge
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low communication is honestly how i live

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there are a few people that can get me to talk more, but

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i'm not sure if it's something that's as easy to iron out with therapy as people seem to assume that it is

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depression does that to you. it makes you feel scarce

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and its different when its "for several years" instead of seasonal like it is for a lot of people, which i think you get in that regard

plush ore
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I've had depression for at least 14 years now. It comes and goes like the tides, but it's always there like the ocean. There's no moment it isn't there, but there are times or things that just make it better or worse.

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But having had depression for years literally changes how your brain works and functions.

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You suffer for so long, it becomes your new normal.

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You don't see beyond it because you literally can't even at the best of times, because that which others consider normal isn't normal for you.

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It hasn't been for so long, that you can't grasp what their version of normal is.

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And I'm a more quiet person irl. I am far more talkative online, as it just feels like I'm a different person. I've said more online today, than I have irl in the past week.

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But I am working on merging the two of my personalities together, to make the online version of me the same as the irl version of me, at least when it comes to talking.

hybrid dirge
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My ex is coming by to pick up their stuff tomorrow

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Even before the breakup, I hadn't physically seen them in about a month

plush ore
# hybrid dirge My ex is coming by to pick up their stuff tomorrow

Just let her pick up her stuff, and just ask to talk before she goes after she's done. Not to make excuses, but to apologize. Just recognize that you probably don't deserve a second chance in a relationship, with her. Recognize that there's lots you can improve upon, but that you also realize that because of those flaws you shouldn't be together with her.

hybrid dirge
# plush ore Just let her pick up her stuff, and just ask to talk before she goes after she's...

Not only do they not want an apology (I'm not sure they understand the purpose of one), but in the last week I've done a lot of thinking and had a lot brought to me. A lot of my friends (and even my own mom, who was pretty fond of them) have, even while acknowledging or emphasizing my wrongdoings, poked so many holes in my relationship that I'm starting to wonder if we should have ever dated in the first place. I'm not sure I'd want a second chance if one was offered to me; we are better off without one another.
||It's kind of a lot to get into, but one of the main holes people poked in the relationship was that the lack of communication that was said to be the last straw went both ways; I'd always find things out last even if I was the topic of conversation, or I'd have to go through someone external to the relationship to find out at all||

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It's not like I didn't do anything wrong despite that. Even when people go back and show me the things that they or both of us were doing wrong, the truth that I mistreated someone can coexist with the truth of an unstable or unsound relationship

hybrid dirge
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Just handed the stuff off

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The look they gave me was scathing

plush ore
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Either it's a lot worse than you're letting on, or they've been conditioned to see it as a lot worse than it actually is. Either way, at least that part of your life is over.

hybrid dirge
# plush ore Either it's a lot worse than you're letting on, or they've been conditioned to s...

It was just emotionless. The kind of look that I'd say is.... a step below stranger? I was being looked at like a stray animal or a dog that just growled at you. Utterly unfazed. They probably wouldn't have said a word if I didn't attempt a greeting before meeting their gaze (the only thing they said was "Have a good day").
I always knew they treated those outside of their circles coldly, but I've never been on the receiving end, yknow? I didn't realize how dehumanizing it was to be looked at like that

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But you're right. No matter how I cut it, the past is now the past

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They've said repeatedly that they want to stay friends in the future and rebuild our relationship from here, but that single interaction completely killed my spirit for that

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I'm not sure I'll find any fulfillment by trying to keep them close after all this

plush ore
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You can try in a few weeks once things have simmered down for both of you, as tensions and tempers are still gonna run hot if that's how they're treating you.

hybrid dirge
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I agree with that much yeah

hybrid dirge
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I'm considering the same. It's not been healthy for me to wonder if something is going to happen while they're in the same spaces as me; not only to mention that I'm...

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If I've hurt someone like that, I don't know if I could look them in the eye again. I'd rather they be happy in spite of me, around people that care more

hybrid dirge
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to which they said the latter*

*possibly the former in the future

hybrid dirge
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Oh just realized I did a mention reply instead of a silent one, sorry about that

hybrid dirge
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things are going better now. i learned what somatization is because it began to happen to me whenever i talked with or even thought about my ex, so i cut them off properly instead of this weird limited contact limbo. my quality of life has been significantly improved by reconnecting with the friends i lost or grew apart from because of that relationship. i'm in a new relationship ||(some people might say it's too soon, but this felt right for me. please give me grace if you must)|| and i've been journaling to keep my thoughts straight, along with reviewing the notes from my psych ward confinement in 2020; i've been bouncing them off of my friend, who has a minor in psychology, and the usual suspects (my normal set of friends). I've avoided many of the immediate hurdles I had before with my relationship, primarily regarding my messiah/savior complex and its deeper implications when combined with depression.

this is all to say that I've found that faith again. people believe in me. i can believe in me. i don't need to save the world to give my life worth. i need to care the utmost about the people i love without compromise. i won't lose sight of the habits i worked so hard to form my entire life against the throes of depression for the cheap thrills i get from fulfilling this complex. i can be better. i know who i am, and who i want to be.

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I'm not suddenly perfect because I'm aware of my flaws. I'm not suddenly better because I avoided 4 of the 400 hurdles I tripped on before. But acknowledging that you need to change, knowing that you have to, and taking steps towards it has already made you a different person from the moment before

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I probably won't post in this thread again for the foreseeable future

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But thank you @plush ore and @late sierra for words when I needed them. It means the world to me, knowing that there are kind people of your temperaments here for others, and I'll try to pay it forward for others in the future. I feel that's the least I could do

plush ore