it’s all too much

[river parcel]

I have so much to say and I feel it’s so exhausting to say all of it. I don’t even know where to start. Long story short I’m 18 now. I’ve been through a lot of trauma since a young age. My mom’s a crazy druggy and got me into doing stuff. I’ve been through dcf also known as cps in other places. Been in grouphomes in foster care. Sent back home . Been to mental hospitals. Been on so many different types of meds. I’ve had so many different types of diagnoses. I’m un medicated now because I believe meds just are made for doctors to make money and I feel like it’s bad stuff idk. And I always get put on meds that make me worse. And long story short dad died at 16. I got a lot worse around that time my old boyfriend left me for my bestfriend he was cheating on me with her . I’m rambling but mom kicked me out around 17 when I was back home so I have no other family . I live with my new boyfriend now but I feel like he hates me. Idk I feel like I’m too much for him at times. I love him so much but I can tell he’s getting sick of me and it’s my fault. I am so horrible. I have so much trauma I could talk about a lot like the times I was homeless and had to do stuff to survive or the times men have hurt me and other stuff. And I feel like I’m a horrible girlfriend now because I have trust issues or overthinking and randomly have like a ptsd attack. And my mental health is really bad I just got my first ever job at Victoria secret and I am incredibly scared. I feel like I might get fired . And I’ve been sober for a little bit but I want to go back to giving up get high all the time and overdose. I’m so sick of life. I don’t know if I can keep doing this I am so abnormal. I am ruined. I can never get better I have so much shit in my head and ptsd my whole brain is messed up idk . I don’t want anyone to deal with me.

I have no friends all my life friends are back in another state but I only had like 2 but I barley talked to them anyways a lot of my “friends” weren’t ever rly friends anyways they just liked hanging with me cuz I was “crazy fun girl” I always had drugs or knew we’re the parties were blah blah or sometimes they would use me because I am a people pleaser at times so I would do stuff idk i guess because I wanted a friend I don’t want to lose them. Like they would ask for money then never pay back but say they would but wouldn’t. At the end of the day I have no one now. No family. No friends. I have 1 brother but he doesn’t talk to me anymore and he has become like a mean business man
idk how to explain it . I’m trying to sum this all up quick. I can go into so much more detail in all of this. All I have is my boyfriend and he knows that and I think he just feels bad but I think he doesn’t love me and he doesn’t want me here but he just feels bad which is why he hasn’t left me yet he knows I’d be homeless if I was to leave um so he told me save up 10k from my job then get my own apartment and he’ll move in with me he promised because I was crying was like don’t leave me but I’m scared like I think he just feels bad but doesn’t want a girl like me in his life I understand . He walks away a lot or is in bathroom a while he says he needs alone time he gets mad at me a lot. I am a horrible person. And honestly I just don’t want to be on earth anyone and keep living because like is really hard especially living with my self in my head .

[dusk yoke]

It's great that you got your emotions out. You have been through a lot in your life so it's normal to have pstd. The thing is that you can't let it define you. 🙏

It's wise not to start a drug habit again because you got a job now and maturing into adulthood. I'm sure you want better things for your life.

You should focus on healing yourself, then focus on your boyfriend. Practice empathy and listen to what he is saying.

Next your attention must be in your job. Allow it to be a place where you can put your energy and frustration into something productive 🙏

(Also you don't need friends if you have a pet 👍)

[river parcel]

Thankyou :))) and yes we have cats

And yes I need to practice empathy I have been doing that thankyou you give such good advice