leaden marsh
I am not looking for judgement here, but perhaps an ear, some constructive advice or a much needed hug.
Story:
I dated a boy named J when I was 16 and he was 14, I was emotionally numb and he was the only thing that allowed me to feel something besides numbness or depression after my dog died, a failed relationship attempt and while dealing with my childhood trauma regarding sensitive topics. He was toxic, abusive and very narcissistic, exactly like my father. He was my drug, metaphorically speaking. He was like a vape, addictive, had me hooked and made me feel cool to have. But I was very, very blind. I did not see how toxic our relationship was or how much BS I put up with. It was mainly about all the wrong things, we got into fights daily and we broke up in late March after he tried to cheat on me with my best friend, and started going after any girl he saw. We had a fling in June when I was still very heartbroken and attached, he promised me everything before turning around and saying he didn't mean it and changed his mind. I stopped talking to him over the summer. In early August I blocked him after finding out he was dating one my friends. They didn't even last a week, and my friend apologized to me.
Problem:
I've wanted my whole life to get married to an incredible man that worships me as the woman of his dreams. However, my father was a angry, toxic man, and left me with this terrible habit of clinging onto emotionally unavailable boys my entire teenage life not only to fill the void he left, but to barely scratch the surface of fulfilling the dream I've had since I was a little girl. This is a DEADLY combination, and it's the exact reason I ended up with J, who was nearly a worse carbon copy of my father.
I'm terribly vulnerable and easily drawn to every guy I see, like an addiction. I resist it, but it's so hard. How do I cope? Is there a better way to handle this? Am I missing something here? (Btw I'm in therapy already)
undone cargo
scenic fox
small valve