My life is painfull
#my empty life full of pain.. all written in this Journal
severe wigeon
My ma was beaten before i got born by her father often my grandpa.. i dont understand why she stil is in contact with him anyways he dosent hurts her anymore my ma had not much money and my dad did not to i got born grew up in a rent house 13 years long, at age of 4 my das had Epilepsy and he fell in the stare before that night we were at my grandmas house i said to my ma i wanna stay and sleep there even tho i never slept anywhere else before the next night my dad had Epilepsy to be said i felt that its gonna happen my mother completle shocked never experienced such thing my dad lying there she thought hes gonna die she ran around the house and freaked out, so much she could'nt find the Phone cuz she forgot when she found it she called the Hospital at same age when i was 4 i had no friends in Kindergarden i had no one that understud me really, at age of 5 my cousin started raping me often.. i didnt know what he did he did it sometimes 3 times a week.. it went on til i was 8 at age of 8 my parents and his found out and they barely did something he was 3 years older, at age of 6 i got bullied til i was 9 often beaten hated on.. hurt.. the teachers talked bad bout that my parents cant afford me an actull bread
when i was 9 the bullying stopped and i switched school they threatend us to take me away and wanted money, and when i switched school i stil couldnt find Kids who would understand me at the same age i started hearing voices and i killed the inner child already at 6
so it went on and went crazy so i killed my emotions and only felt hatred towards others and pain in me i hated often on people cuz all my life people treaded me like nothingness, at 13 it stopped and i got more friendly and respectfull more i cared more, from there on i cared bout other people more then bout me i found a girl i loved online we almost met in juli im pretty sure we wouldve met.. but i was with her but she left and i found another girl but that girl left me for no reason really much she found somoene else and i stil miss both them even tho i hate what they did to me.. no one really treaded me kind before
and people often ignore and disrespect me hate on me even if i saved them from Depression people treat me like absolute trash.. im like a Ghost to people this year my great grandma died and i had not really the Birthday i expected but did at same no gifts but Money cuz no one knows me im not tryina sound ungratefull its okay that they give me money but sad that they dont know what i want cuz they dont know me.. im just a family member my parents argue a lot with me my family wants money often i bought an e guitar and it just reminds me of my ex's they both played e guitar.. i have no friends no gf no nothing my parents dont understand my mental issues and im in Diagnose sil waiting til i can give them my results of the questions i got given and they will prbly tell me i have Depression ptsd trauma schizophrenia thats what im guessing atleast after my knowledge of my behavior i wish i had a gf years now im to mature then other kids even lots of adults dont know how to talk to me properly cuz they have no idea of what i went through at age of 6 i had 2 tumors and surgery i went through much pain often in life before i Always was thought before things like that they removed the tumors from my toes causing a scar and removing skin from the belly area same area where
i have private hair grows starting so now they put it on my toes to cover the wound after removing the tumors and it caused it after puperty to grow hair.. at 10 til 13 i grew 30 cm thats Maximum i gained scars on my back shoulders cuz they went brighter even tho my body type in small framed its bigger framed then others frames im tall look like 18 get mistaken often sound like 20/30/40/50/60 i get told often or sound like a smoker appearantly even tho id never drink or smoke tired eyes sleeping Problems and i got often told in my school i look like the Devil due to my serious look full of pain and struggle and no smile my life is pain.. as i tell everyone my Depression and mental issues in General cause physical pain in my chest it feels like getting stabed 1000 times i call it the 1000 stab pain.. thats my life.. pain.. struggle.. and lonleynes
Its evening and i feel lonley rightnow.. im going to take a shower after a long day.. i hate my life often.. but last night i saved a girl on this server.. finaly somoene listend to me everyone else ignored me often and died prbly .. thats why they havent responded.. i wish shed never left stil every day.. i guess ima shower.. before bed..
severe wigeon
@fluid willow
fluid willow
Its evening and i feel lonley rightnow.. im going to take a shower after a long ...
❤️ i thank you more than you will ever know
severe wigeon
:() ❤️
molten forge
My ma was beaten before i got born by her father often my grandpa.. i dont under...
im surprised you remember when you were four i can't even remmeber what i was doing at 12
molten forge
After reading what you had to say the title of your journal lives up to its name .
😭
severe wigeon
You mean it actully tells much pain?
molten forge
A villain's origin story pales in comparison to your upbringing.
lavish nymph
i have private hair grows starting so now they put it on my toes to cover the wo...
Our childhoods are a like and I just found out I got pancreatic cancer . God has his favourites I guess 🙂
lavish nymph
You got cancer?
Yeah I just found out yesterday
severe wigeon
Is there a way you could survive?..
lavish nymph
Is there a way you could survive?..
Low without chemo
lavish nymph
Man I really don't know what I should do
After all the shit I have been through
Like why me
lavish nymph
You will though
lavish nymph
Like I'm 15 never been loved by anyone properly.
lavish nymph
Can't even look at my own reflection without cryinf
severe wigeon
I understand that..
lavish nymph
Not because I'm ugly just because I'm a fucking disappointment
severe wigeon
Must be painfull
Your no disapointment
Your not ugly
God made you the way you look
Cuz he thinks your beautyfull that way
lavish nymph
Throughout the past year I got bullied then just skipped school. Got depressed just lurked in my room just watching anime wishing it was me in the anime. And now I'm here just started school first time in highschool and now I know I got fucking cancer
severe wigeon
:/
lavish nymph
I'm not even gonna seek treatment. I'll just accept the fact that I'm dying
Dude I just wanna be loved by someone
lavish nymph
You got parents?
They don't care about me
lavish nymph
Try going outside in nature
I do
severe wigeon
Today it has been again a very boring day of life and another day of wasting my time in my room cuz im quiet litterally injailed here it feels like
river panther
I wish you all so much courage and luck and best for the future 🫂
I would like to find better words for you two @severe wigeon @lavish nymph , I see you in such a pain...
severe wigeon
Middle of the night im stil awake yayy
Nother night full of pain thinking bout what happend.. and how much i Miss her..
severe wigeon
I feel fucking unloved i hate myself everyone goes like "Neo Your weird" and i go like okay so i say to myself Neo Neo who is it going to be me or them who tf will it be? Do i leave them or just continue on everyone fucking hates me my life is unimportant i fucking hate my life its fucking stupid
fluid willow
I feel fucking unloved i hate myself everyone goes like "Neo Your weird" and i g...
Ur not weird dad at least not to me
fluid willow
I feel fucking unloved i hate myself everyone goes like "Neo Your weird" and i g...
Also ur life isnt stupid you helped me at my lowest i will NEVER forget u
severe wigeon
I feel guilt bout that my aunt.. left.. she was like a mother to me.. she was the only person who was close to me and where i felt safe and a Connection.. that i never felt on my own mother.. but she left..
severe wigeon
I feel guilt cuz i was'nt ready for love again even tho i wanted.. i dont know if im gonna be able to recover in general again of it.. i just need Treatment..
Im a mess look at me .. how did i deserve anything i mean maybe i did deserve getting bullied for nothing maybe it was for the future.. no idea..
I dont even know what i stil want .. i think i just want to be a kid again..
Im just.. having Mental breakdown..