Mirsa's Journal

[twilit light]

Alright I'm going to be using this thread in my motivation to better mentally, I hope to share my progress here and in hopes: Have people motivate themselves too to get help too. This is the start of a (hopefully) a pretty lengthy thread so share everything that goes on if that means either being lonely or being super depressed. I hope this isn't too much of a read for the introduction! ❤️

Alright to be begin: My issue of feeling lonely, how am I currently combatting this? Well, I got in touch with an old-school friend and we are planning to meet up soon in the not-too distant future.

A new friend I've made recently has decided to introduce me to their friends. I've been really said of recently letting go of a new "home" online and they've showed me theirs, they're amazing human beings and also planning to prep to get out the house more. I've even joined a program to go once or twice a week to go soicalise with people and feel less lonely than sitting around in the house all day. it's slowly working but it's still a start of a uphill battle

To battle my depression: Well.. Thats a whole new story.
The thing is: I've been fighting my mental illness since the start of the year. It only got worse as the year progressed.

I've spoken to my family and they're getting me into the gym to hopefully help me there, but also getting me into therapy which will happen in 5-7 days, depends what the GP gives me and begin a plan. I wanted to support when I begin work but its been rough.

For the mean time until this program gets out of the way I've joined this sever in hopes it will give me a home (and it has been, I love this sever for what it's done for me) and its making me realise I just need to stop being so closed off with people.

Gym + therapy + hopefully a better social life = better human being? But this is depression I am fighting off so it's going to be hard regardless

Speaking of mental illness:
||Bro, I've been wanting to take my own life for fucking weeks now but I am hanging in there because I need to give therapy a go, I can't give in until I can conclude that it's not helping. Being strong is so hard but I am trying my damnest not to fold just yet. Prey for me!||

[vague bluff]

@twilit light This is a really good Journal!! 📔

[vague bluff]

I know you're in an incredible amount of pain right now, and it might feel like there's no way out. But suicide is a permanent solution to what might be temporary problems. It can prevent you from experiencing future joys and the possibility of things getting better. There are people who care about you and resources available that can help you through this. I can talk with you the whole step of the way.

I can also recommend a 100% free online counseling service.

[twilit light]

I did consider online counselling but I chose that it wasn't for me on a few counts:

1. Free online services are just shady to me, I know it helps people better and more power to them, I hope they get the help they need.
2. If my therapist can see how much im struggling they're more than likely to help more instead of trying to read me through text, but thats me
3. I'm less likely to overthink in person than online so they can see if im starting to stress while online I get a bit of time to think before replaying. That isn't good because overthinking might of played a role in this.
4. Even if I don't get the therapist right for me from the get-go, I can always ask for a new one. Might be a while but it's a step in the right direction.

Don't get me wrong, I 1000% understand what you're saying and its super sweet and I can't thank you enough for it, I did join this sever because it is a safe-zone for us who struggle but when it comes to professional services I'd rather do it in person than irl. ❤️

[vague bluff]

Totally understand. If you need me I am always here!

[twilit light]

Trigger warning: Mentions of suicidal talk. please do not continue if you too are struggling yourself:
||Good morning Journal and whoever is reading this today, hope today is been well. So this is going to be a lot of talking but... I am using this to help bypass my struggles with mental health. .-> So, today I've been out socialising and making new frineds and seeing how they were doing. It was reallly nice. What wasn't so nice was the side effects afterwards. I had a panic attack, my heart rate was going up, I have no idea why I was freaking out but I was, I starting pasing up and down my room and I was able to settle down and the next thing I knew: I had a rope around my neck attempting to take my own life. The good news is that I am ok and alive otherwise I wouldn't be making this post, the bad news is that I now have to do a lot of talking with my family to get into therapy sooner because that was a crsis that should of been avoided. the 18th is not getting here fast enough for me and it's sucks. I guess thats the down side of having mental illness. Having the time of your life and next minuet because you're not well. Love it! Anyways, I'm ok! I'm hanging in there by the day.||

[twilit light]

It's been a few days and I'm super anxious. I don't really understand why. I guess a part of it is due to starting my new meds but I've been told that might take a few weeks before it has a full effect one. It's hard to pin-point but I do need to look past it for the time being.

So, I did visit the GP and they did warn me it will take a few sessons to get to where I need to be. Someone in this sever has told me something very similar to that. They also warned me about potential wait times when I thought that might be a leading factor to my depression. But the good new is that I am going to get the help I need but it's going to take a bit of time before we get there. Now until then I do need to be on my pills to make sure there isn't a lasting effect of what could be ||suicidal thoughts.||

Another thing: Gym membership finally starting... yay? I mentioned in another post, not sure if it was here or not that I did say I was looking forward to going because it might be some good for my mental health. Now that I am being forced to go I am suddenly put-off by it. I'm not too entirely sure why because I am not the type to get put-off by things before I give it a proper go. All that matters is just... see how it goes..? (That feels so weird to mention but idk how else to describe it lmfao)

Lastly: (There will be swearing so I am so sorry for it!)
Job hunting can fuck right off. Ok maybe not exactly fuck off but.. the struggle because these people expect you to have 10 years of experience in trying to get experience is the most infuriating thing I've seen in quite some time. And don't get me started on the fucking barista job that requires you to have a least a drivers licence... good lord I know this will help with feeling less lonely but seeing these requirements do set me off. It's annoying.

Anyways, more updates will be coming in 1-2 days but MAN its a struggle to do better. But I am trying!