#Journal thingie (feel free to give advice or just talk ofc)

95 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

cunning pilot
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pt2.

I knew it was wrong, like very fucking wrong. For some reason i just couldn’t stand the thought of being completely alone, she made me feel like someone actually cared for me. I’m not gonna go into detail about her relationship with her other ex-bf but i noticed a lot of things wrong with their relationship despite not actually being in it. Like he would be dismissive or he would act like it was a chore to hangout with her, it was like he wanted a girlfriend just so he could say he had a girlfriend. i didn’t want to see the person i cared for so much be used as basically a title. but i didn’t say shit, i actually gave advice on how to potentially improve their relationship because if i didn’t i felt like that would reveal my true feelings.

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pt3.

but anyways i’m getting off track, so she broke up with her old ex boyfriend and I comforted her, and you wanna know how long it took before i revealed my true feelings? 4 fucking days. (yea this was really really stupid on my part). now fortunately i wasn’t obliterated on the spot and the feeling was mutual so we started talking and dating. (note: i had a talking stage like a year before all this occurred and that talking stage ended up ghosting me and getting with another guy during the period of silence but that’s a whole other thing that i’m not gonna talk about yet, just know that i had a very fast mindset at the time of the relationship)

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pt 4.

so then relationship happened (very nice would recommend) and then we’re back to the night of the breakup, and she said that we were moving too fast. and i KNEW that i was going too fast, i just had this thing in my mind that kept telling me “might as well do this now or you’ll never get the chance later”, because last time i took it slow i ended up getting ghosted.

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pt 5.

So it’s obvious that even tho i moved on from that previous talking stage, i wasn’t exactly 100% healed. anyways she said that we should focus on ourselves (which yea i agree with more for me cuz i am NOT ready for relationships). Now mind you this was my first ever relationship and i also had the mindset of “nah we gonna be the one in a million couple that’s still together after highschool”. yea that shit ain’t work out clearly 😭. So it was half of me agreeing that we should focus on ourselves and the other half of me still trying to work it out and potentially “save” the relationship that i knew was built off of quick and faulty decisions. We tried being friends but honestly, i knew once i fell in love the first time as friends the friendship was ruined. I knew that as long as i loved her then a 100% platonic friendship would NOT be possible

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pt 6.

So i made the decision to go no contact over the summer (which in hindsight may not be long enough) to both recover and heal from this AND focus on myself 100%. so far i’d say it’s going decent, (i went back to having a ||porn addiction|| which i caught onto immediately so now i’m doing ||NoFap|| to get rid of this shit)

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pt 7.

but i am making progress on the shit i actually want to do in the future. I already have built pretty good coping mechanisms (exercise, writing in a irl journal, doing stuff i enjoy) it’s just whenever my mind is idle is when it starts getting hard because i start thinking of her.

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pt8.

Also sidethingie- eating lately feels more or less like a chore (i love eating tho) so whenever i get some food my brain is like “do you realllyyyy deserve to eat” and i literally gotta tell myself “shut the fuck up and pick up the fork bum” (note: do not do this i just say this to myself whenever i don’t feel like eating). anyways yea that’s about it, i’ll prolly type about what happened DURING the relationship eventually (cuz i fucked up there too honestly) but she said i was literally perfect during it (which i don’t believe) but yea. Feel free to say anything to me, it may not be the most serious issue here but i just wanna get it out 😭

cunning pilot
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(filler)

today i went to the gym doing my usual shit and this dude was just dead staring at me through the mirror. and it wasn’t like “oh he was gonna walk up to me after i finished my set and give me advice” nah bro was just staring at me for no reason

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was i about to do shit about it tho? hell nah that mf was way bigger than me (pause)

cunning pilot
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(filler)

been working on my video but the process to get my recordings to sound decent is so tedious, plus i keep reworking the script which means i gotta re-record which means more work and yeaaaaaaaa (i love it tho)

cunning pilot
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(ramble)

i think one of my favorite things about the life experience is having limits and surpassing them. like just thinking that you physically or mentally can’t do something yet still going through with it and breaking a limit is something that always gives me satisfaction. like the other day i thought i would never be able to run a mile in under 7 minutes, and i literally told myself “alright if you can get to just .75 of a mile with your speed then your good”. during it i felt so damn tired and my legs were hurting like hell but i wanted to push myself and keep going just to see, and i ended up running a 6:47 mile which is something i never thought i’d be able to do, since just a month ago i could barely run a 8 minute .5 mile. I don’t know i just feel like if we didn’t have limits then life would be so damn boring. i do wanna know what it’s like tho, to having absolutely nothing at all holding you back and being able to do anything (including supernatural shit). i wouldn’t wanna live the rest of my life like that, having everything just given to me with no work behind it would be boring but if i could test it out for a few hours then that would be pretty cool.

cunning pilot
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(filler)

today i’m gonna be at my grandmas for the 4th of july. nothing else really to say 😭

cunning pilot
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(filler)

her favorite song is playing rn and i might cry 😭

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(filler)

nvm kendrick is playing we’re chilling 😎

cunning pilot
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(vent)

i hate when my mom does dumb stuff and is so quick to blame me for it. like just now we had to look for our dog and i found that she locked the dog in the hot ass garage. I get it out and i told her “you locked the dog in the garage” and she immediately was like “no that was you”. i have not been in the room at all and earlier before we realized the dog was missing i heard the chime noise that plays throughout the house when the garage gets opened and my ass was in the bathroom, and not only that but i saw her walk out the room that leads to the garage right after that chime noise played so that’s pretty rock solid proof she locked the damn dog in the garage. and she’s done shit like this before, it’s so fucking frustrating cuz i wont get an apology or anything but as soon as i make a slight mistake she’ll yell at me for it

cunning pilot
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(ramble/vent)

sometimes i think about the person i wanna be, and the person i am now. I love myself and all but idk i feel like despite all the progress i make i’m still so far away from my ideal self. and yea i think that eventually through hard work i’ll get to the life i want but idk it seems so far away. but i don’t want it to come now, i want to enjoy the journey. 17 years of my life went by so fucking fast i felt like i didn’t even get a chance to even process it. i think if me when i was a kid saw me now he’d be both amazed but also a little disappointed.

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(ramble/vent 2)

another thing, after summer is over and i get back to school and see her on the bus again, it’s gonna be so scary. because if she says “wow, you really haven’t changed” that would just crush me. and i know i shouldn’t let another person decide my value, but you gotta remember this was the person i genuinely thought i was gonna marry. but then again if i saw that she didn’t change as well then what? did the breakup not mean anything? was my first love someone who i thought was making good decisions? I wish i could just erase any memories i have of her, because one more year of even just being in the same vicinity as her would hurt me. and this might change in august i’m still in the healing process ofc but goddddd it just hurts a lot 😭

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(ramble/vent 3)

and another thing, i never had a valentines, i never really cared for receiving gifts but i want to give someone a valentines gift so fucking bad. just one day where i can buy someone chocolate or flowers and see them smile would be amazing. i hoped it would be her but i think it’s gonna be a long while before i actually have a valentines. not really the most important thing in the world but it’s important to me

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i tried to go to sleep and remembered a convo we had. i miss her so fucking much

cunning pilot
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(filler)

i woke up at like 5am went to sleep and woke up at 8, tried to go back to sleep and next thing i know it was 9 and yea that’s about it

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whoops

cunning pilot
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(filler)

i’m playing kingdom hearts 2 for the first time ever on critical mode (hardest difficulty) cuz my dumbass homie was like “nah you got it” even tho he completed the game on proud.

i just realized i am so cooked for the future fights coming up. i just did the 1,000 heartless fight which wasn’t too bad actually but if i gotta fight any of the other organization members i’m actually so cooked. i fought the guitar dude and he wasn’t too bad but if i gotta fight that book mf again i’m actually gonna lose it cuz his boss fight in the absent silhouette shit was so fucking annoying. and i didn’t even beat the lightning girl in the pirates of the caribbean world. axel is a fraud so i’m not too worried about him but if any of the organization members other than axel and the guitar dude fought me im literally fried.

ancient dagger
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Dang why has no one seen this

night maple
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I’ve just read it all.

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Are you just wanting to vent? Maybe some advice?

cunning pilot
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hence why i label stuff when i type it out

night maple
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Ah alright.

cunning pilot
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but feel free to give any advice if you want of course 😄

night maple
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Well, I can’t say much because my relationship was rushed too, but I can tell you what to not do. 😭🤣

cunning pilot
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well i’ll take anything, go ahead 😁

cunning pilot
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Journal thingie (feel free to give advice or just talk ofc)

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seems more accurate now

night maple
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Lmao.

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Well, when in a relationship use the 3 month rule.

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It’s a method to understand if you truly love them or if you just thought you loved them.

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And what you do is you don’t do anything for the first three months, but think about how that’s going and if y’all still love each other.

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And as for rushing, make waypoints where nothings allowed till at least that point, or sit down and talk about the speed yall are going at.

cunning pilot
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got itttt, thanks man 😁

cunning pilot
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(filler)

sometimes i be eatin eggs and realize i’m eating eggs and i’m like “damn these are eggs” and then i don’t wanna eat the eggs anymore

cunning pilot
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(ramble)

i’ve been getting way better, been talking to friends that help me get my mind off of things. Before it used to hurt to think about but now i just get slightly annoyed when i think about it which i think is improvement??? 😭

cunning pilot
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(filler)

ran a 6:01 mile 🥳🎉

hexed furnace
cunning pilot
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thank you 😄

hexed furnace
cunning pilot
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awesome man, whats your goal? mine is to atleast run 1.5 miles for 8-9 minutes

hexed furnace
cunning pilot
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oooo nice, well good luck to you i believe you can win 😁💪

hexed furnace
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post run updates🦾

ancient dagger
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.

cunning pilot
cunning pilot
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(filler)

i’m about to go to this coast guard program for july 14th-19th. kinda nervous but also excited about it, not gonna have my phone during that time but honestly i’ll be too busy there to even realize

cunning pilot
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(filler)

EVERYRHUNG HURTS BRO 😭😭 (it was fun tho)

cunning pilot
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(filler)

i might be homeless for a day or two cuz the car is fucked up and at the dealership and i have to be out of this airbnb by 1pm. (theres no hotels nearby)

cunning pilot
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(filler)

nvm cars fixed 😎😎

cunning pilot
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(filler)

watched all of gen V in one sitting (it was so fucking good bro omg)

cunning pilot
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(ramble)

alr so things have been getting better but theres one thing that just makes me upset and its the simple fact of that i cant stop thinking about her, like even if my mind is distracted and im doing other things the thought of her just comes into my mind randomly. like i dont think theres been a single day since weve last talked that i haven’t thought about her, and this is probably like “typical breakup stuff” but man it gets annoying especially when now you have people supporting you but your still hung up on that one person. praying it stops by the time the school year starts cuz i gotta lock in this year 🙏

daring prawn
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Hey, I get it. It happens. From my experience, you just have to give it time

cunning pilot
cunning pilot
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(vent)

im gonna see my dad for the first time in years and honestly i dont know what to think. im not scared, just curious. why he decided to distance himself from me so much for all these years. i dont know what he went through as a child, why he’s like this, why he walked out on me when i couldn’t even form a sentence yet. im not the first kid he walked out on, but i wonder how the brothers or sisters i dont know about feel about him. i just want answers. i want to be a good dad for my kids, but i want to know why my dad is the way he is.

cunning pilot
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(filler)

fucking eggs man, like they be so good until you realize their eggs. with that being said i could really use an egg sandwich rn

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(filler 2)

also ive been watching this youtuber dougdoug recently and he’s funny asf but also like he makes these mini coding projects that allow him to interact with his twitch viewers and lowkey i wanna do that some day (but first i gotta actually grow my youtube channel)

cunning pilot
cunning pilot
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finally uploaded my second video today 🎉

cunning pilot
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grinded like crazy this week and uploaded my third video

cunning pilot
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(positive vent/ramble)

havent used this in a minute but i gotta get some things off my chest so yuh here we go. First thing is, school started and honestly im pretty excited about the year. i got good classes, good friends, only thing that is kinda sucky is that im supposed to get out early but they ended up messing up my schedule so now i pretty much get home at the same time if i were to have a full schedule.

Second thing is that me and my ex have become friends again, and im proud to say i harbor 0 romantic feelings for her so I can actually focus on building a meaningful friendship. I’m a little worried about her recent habits and i’ll try to push her in the right direction but its gonna have to depend on her, I’m not gonna obsess over another again because that will ruin my own peace.

Third thing is that I feel so much better than before, like I love myself in the present, past, and i’ll continue to love myself in the future. I wanna tell people that they’re loved, and that they can do anything they set their mind too. I appreciate everyone and everything that surrounds me, and even the things that don’t surround me i appreciate. the world is beautiful, life is beautiful.

cunning pilot
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(filler)

“get down on it” has been stuck in my head for the past 2 days but lowkey im not complaining its a good song

cunning pilot
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(vent)

i don’t think i learned my lesson

cunning pilot
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nevermind we’re so back

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or something i dont know 😭

cunning pilot
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WERE NOT BACK

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I AM POTENTIALLY DIGGING MYSELF A DEEPER HOLE THEN EVER BEFORE

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shit

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😭

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damn i’m stupid

cunning pilot
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its so over part 2.

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maybe

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i dunno

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i’ve been living on autopilot i’m not gonna lie

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I’m very confused

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i don’t even have the brain capacity to think anymore 😭

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if that makes sense

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im just like

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damn

cunning pilot
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(vent)

I have this undying need to fix everything that’s wrong. I know that i can’t fix everything but for some reason it’s this thing that nags me everytime an issue comes up. and i know the best thing to do is just let it happen but i feel so powerless when i do that. i feel like i could do more than just let it happen, that if i tried harder i could fix everything. but thats unrealistic, but i keep thinking it. i don’t know how to stop i feel like i keep getting trapped in my own head again and again and again. I tried just tuning out my thoughts hoping they go away but they don’t. they just persist on and on, and eventually im gonna break because I know how i get. im probably not making sense but i dunno it makes sense to me

cunning pilot
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kekekekeke i love overthinking

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just kidding no i dont

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😭

cunning pilot
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im so nervous

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me and my gf (new one btw) got into a small disagreement recently and now we’re supposed to talk tmrw

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or well i guess today

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😭

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im so scared

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i was able to sleep earlier