Or maybe he just wouldn't care
#just a childish vent
light kelp
Hahehahe no no he would just hit me with a sigh like "haaa" ahahhaha
Like he always does
Well at least I'm not aggressive like you dad
Even when I'm drunk I'm still fvcking weak
So hah
There! He's gone now forever
As if he didn't even exist in the first place
Of course he didn't exist
Its always been you idiot
Your daydreams are getting out of hand again
austere pecan
@light kelp u wana talk?
light kelp
No
austere pecan
K
light kelp
Sorry no offense i just don't feel like talking about it
light kelp
Oh
My
God
That server has the most... Omg crazy stuff I have ever seen
I thought I have seen a lot but... Damn
My mouth feels dry from how long my jaw was dropped
I'm speechless... I-idk what to say
Just... wow
How did it come to this, I wish the best for her really
At least... At least she's alive
light kelp
Why do I feel so jealous when I hear people talk about their past issues
Like... I want to be groomed too
How did you get anti depressant pills? I want to be addicted to them too
How come you have schizophrenia and actual mental illnesses and I'm just... Me
Why are your cuts so much deeper than mine
Why do you look so good, why are you so pretty and amazing
I hate my college responsibilities
It takes me away from the feeling to kill myself
I want to do it before I turn 18
Why do I have to be so... Me
How do they do it... Whenever I try to get addicted to drugs or prostitute myself it just isn't the same
I really... Really hate this feeling
I really want to die rn
I really want someone to use and hurt me rn
chilly ibex
I really want someone to use and hurt me rn
You tell yourself these things because of the pain you feel in your heart
Nothing I say may change your mind but maybe it can, I’m not the best at giving at advice but I always will do my best. I am here if you need to talk
light kelp
Maybe I should forget about the helium tanks
I keep procrastinating and putting it off
I'm tired...
There's a... Ledge in the building in class tmr
I walk by in alot, it's tall and the railing is low
I... I hope it's tall enough to kill me instantly
Idk
I'm scared of the pain and if I might die slowly
But I'm tired... I'm so tired
I just want to get it over with
Yeah... Tomorrow
Tomorrow in class...
light kelp
Stop being so delusional
No one's gonna look for you or come after you
It's better this way
Accept it
Just accept it
Theres no need for a perfect nice ending
Surrounded by all the things you love, cold air, soft lights and a call
The pain will be temporary
You've already accepted hell haven't you?
light kelp
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
I'm scared
I don't want to die like that
I-i tried I swear I swear I tried
I was right there b-but when I was looking down at the distant floor
The concrete dust on my clothes and body, the sweat on my forehead, I hate it
Idk if I was even gonna die, what if I just broke a few bones?
I want to die by drugs or helium instead please
God I want to die and don't want to at the same time so much
Fvckkk me man
Omg
God are you playing some fvcking joke on me?
sigh
Why tf is this on my cup? Who tf the tealive corporated decided to put this bs here
light kelp
Why do I keep trying
I want to want to kill myself
Idk anymore
I just want to sit in my bed
Without worrying about my parents looking for me
Without college responsibilities
Without anything
I just want to sit here and rot
Until my stomach eats itself and I grow sick and tired
And mold and water leaks and grows on me
Forever
chilly ibex
@light kelp Are you okay?
light kelp
Yeah
orchid musk
Hey, I read some of your texts, and it really hit close to home. No expectations here btw, just wanted you to know you are not alone in feeling like that
swift gulch
It's the same for me, why do I feel so concerned and hurt by these messages? I don't have these kinds of problems but the hardest thing for me is knowing that i can't do anything to help you since you're not looking to be helped. I will show my support by reading, so stay alive please, at least for the content.
light kelp
It's the same for me, why do I feel so concerned and hurt by these messages? I d...
Thank you both... Those words were really nice to hear actually
light kelp
It's the same for me, why do I feel so concerned and hurt by these messages? I d...
I'm sorry I made you feel hurt. Just try and remember that no matter what happens to me I'll only be a small blip in your memories ❤️
light kelp
Is it possible to lie so much that I don't even know I'm lying?
Idk
Kinda cringe concept but I feel like that's been happening to me more often lately
It's like I'm living the lie yk... So it's kinda real
Like the feelings are real
I think
light kelp
I don't have much time left
I want to do it before I turn 18
I only have little over a month to end it
But my head's not in the right headspace
I don't know what to do
I hate this
light kelp
When you can't sleep but you've been awake for 17 hours so you just get ready for class WaYyyy earlier so at least you can take your time
Hahah lmao
light kelp
I feel like Cutting Again
But idk how I might Feel once I get Home
So I'm making a promise here
Once you get back I want to see you cut yourself Ok
And I want it deeper this time
No fast cuts, no shallow and no lack of blood
And. No. Procrastinating
If you don't....
I'm shoving pills down your throat
light kelp
I'm completely soaked haha
I've been walking in the rain brooding for minutes lmao
I think their looking at me funny
I don't blame them id see myself as weird too
But this just helps make me feel so much better
Im sorry I can't help it
orchid musk
Im sorry I can't help it
Honestly ain't your fault, i like the rain too tbh
solar galleon
I don't blame them id see myself as weird too
nooo :( youre not weird for doing something that you like. if it makes you feel better. then do it! :3 if anyone looks at you funny, ignore them. takes alot of courage to do something like that :) make sure don't fall sick after alright.
light kelp
Man I love this feeling
The flushness In my face and tingling in my eyes
Downing drink after drink and shots after shots
I hope I wake up tomorrow wanting to kill myself hajajaj
Well... More than usual I guess
Lmaooo
light kelp
God it's tough to keep my head up hahaha
light kelp
Fufkk I feel sick
I sitting on the toilet almost passing out LMAOOO
I'm gonna kill myself I swearrr hahah
desert falcon
carla are you okay
desert falcon
no dont
whole geyser
Can I get a summary on what is going on?
Also don’t think you are undeserving for attention
light kelp
It's December now
Less than a month
I have a month to decide...
In one month I'll either be dead or have made a shameful decision
sigh idk what to do
I don't even know how I'm gonna get 98% purity helium tanks
Balloon gas is too low percentage
languid linden
Hey Carla! I really hope your doing alright x I know I’m younger than you but please don’t die, your life is worth everything, life is on YOUR side, I promise you that.
light kelp
It's nothing don't worry about it
...
I've already tried jumping a few times.. I think it's safe to say that's not a reliable or satisfying way for me to go out by now
I don't know... I don't know at this point
Pills are too unreliable and I can always get my stomach pumped
Guns aren't an option
sigh my god... Idk..
languid linden
wait is this a role play
light kelp
...
I really should kill myself already
Sometimes I wish I was just never born in the first place
Sometimes I imagine myself in a.. Black void with a genie, and I get to make one wish
And the Fate of the Worlds on the line
But.. I'm selfish
So instead of wishing for better livelyhoods and happier children I wish to be erased instead
No worrying about heaven... Hell.. Or whatever
And the entire world dies because of me
...
How did things even end up this way
I feel like I live in a completely different world from everyone else
The Thoughts that go through their Heads, and the Things they Worry about, Care about, People that they Love and Love them
It all feels so distant to me
Maybe that's why I like insane kinda people
People that stand out, have their own quirks and mentally so different from the rest of the world
But... That doesn't matter
I don't have to worry about all this
I'll be dead in a month... One way or another
I'll be so happy.... If I wasn't born
And my Parents will have a better child too haha
Less antics, less issues, less "tantrums" and unstable disasters
And my father would be happier too
I don't even know how much stress I caused him
I remember he said to me, "Why can't you just be Normal"
Hahaha..
HahahahahahahahHhAhahahha
I'm sorry... I don't know dad... I don't Know
No one ever could tolerate me as a child
Back then... I would wonder if I had this "talent" where I could make anyone give up on me
I remember I had this teacher...
She was so frustrated with me... I don't even remember why at this point. She would give detention after detention, punishment after punishment... I remember She even tried to make me Wear A Skirt because my pants was abit too short
One day she pulled me out of class during break time, and she told me " i-i don't know how to handle you anymore... From now on you do what you want"
I didn't even understand what she meant at the time...
The next day in class, she told the class that she had a dream... Where God told her not to give up on me... Although she didn't mention me specifically
And that she was ashamed of herself for giving up on a child and all the preachy stuff
Funny thing is... After that point I don't think she ever involved herself with me
...
I Remember.. My brother sat me down on my birthday. And told me hes been feeling really guilty for apparently "bullying me" when I was very young because I was getting favoritism from our parents
He had his Sad Face on, and told me he felt really bad about it
He wanted to apologize but I don't even remember it
I'm sure out of my brother and sister I've cause my parents the most Pain
My father would probably go on less *roadtrips"
Tbh I don't even know if he sees me as his child
Maybe he hasn't for a long time now
Ik he hates us... I'm pretty sure he wants to escape us.
I remember he drank alot when I was very young... Stopped... Then got more and more stressed being around me and my "incidents"
Until he eventually just started leaving
More and more often with his friends
He's gone for almost half a year basis at this point
And when he does come back he leaves within the week
I don't even mind...
I don't miss him or anything, he just pays the bills and is... There
At least my siblings would be fine
My sister has her own life, completely figured out... So different from the rest of us
My brother can live with my death
So can my mother
Although she might feel all the effort she spent on me, Been Wasted
All the people I knew in school are long gone by now
Hell I never really "knew" them... And they didn't truly know me either
Even if we're still connected Im sure they wouldn't care much if I died
Do I have... Any attachments left?
Growing my hair out won't fix me, I'll never be pretty, I don't know anyone whod care if I die.
No I... I dont think I do
God I just wanna die already
light kelp
Today I woke up... Really well rested
ready for the day... Energized and active
I really... Really hated that
It felt sickening
light kelp
Why am I so goddamn incompetent
Why can't I just do anything right
God I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die.. So fukcing bad
light kelp
I feel so sick
I wanna throw up but I can't
My head hurts
Why do I keep doing this to myself
I wish I was worse
God hitting my head against a wall feels so relieving
whole geyser
are you ok?
light kelp
I'm already late
All my assignments are due
And I'm still.. Not doing them
Everyday I tell myself I'll do it but I get too tired and exhausted by then and I hate myself for it
I tell myself it won't matter since I'll be dead soon but
God it still really... Really sucks
light kelp
I don't wanna talk with anyone anymore
Talking about my problems with people never work out
Im.... I'm not doing this again
light kelp
I have one week left
I have to do it soon. I should be considering it rn
Maybe right now I can go down some pills
It probably won't work but I need to start with something
I can't keep procrastinating this or anything else anymore
dull sail
Pills won’t help u. You think they’ll help u for a while until it ends up into a never-ending cycle. And having a low selfesteem thinking you can’t be pretty won’t make it better. Because there could be people who admire or look up to you yet never told you.
light kelp
I want to get drunk again
I got some gin in a water bottle
It's dark here but the night sky is nice when I'm feeling like this
I... I. Think in the back of my mind I want someone to come
I keep imagining someone coming and tapping my shoulder asking if I'm ok and what's in my drink
A police officer, my brother or just a stranger
But... Thatll never happen
light kelp
I thought about asking my brother how he would feel if I was gone today
I'm glad I didn't. I always regret it when I share about myself to other people
God I spent what 3 hours in that park sobbing and brooding
I want to die
light kelp
I want to be alone.. I'm sorry... I just want to be alone... Forever. I don't want to feel the pull from this earth, I don't want to feel alive. I just want to be alone
light kelp
I'm thinking about calling a hotline
I saw the number looking at helium tanks and felt like doing it
But I just know the moment I call I'll just freeze up and my head will go blank
And then I'll just come out worse off than before
dull sail
im still reading this but bro no offense this is all apart of puberty. and think realistically here, you will find girls prettier than her. no offense but like i get the feeling that your still 13 and you wanna talk abut ur problems here. and if you need friends you can just talk to me
light kelp
Sorry but an offense was taken
Even if you didn't mean it, it still kinda hurt hearing that
...god how long ago was that message, feels like forever ago
So much has changed since I've been in school
I don't even remember the time I thought about her, or "her"
It used to be that I couldn't go a single day without thinking about "her"
I guess I have bigger issues now haha
Well it's fine... Even though I may have embarrassed myself abit doing dumb stuff, overall I think I had enough foresight to make the right decisions
Their long gone now, and I'm sure I'm out of their lives now
light kelp
I'm sorry I have "so much shit To Think About Ok"!?
I Know What Your Saying, I Know What You Mean
I Just Need To Think
I'm Not Procrastinating, I'm Not Thinking About Nothing. I'M THINKING ABOUT HOW TO DIE AND LIE TO YOU OK?!!
THAT'S WHAT I'M HIDING. THAT'S THE "SECRET" THAT IN HIDING FROM YOU
So Please Just Shut Up... And Leave Me Alone.
I'm Sorry I'm Not As Strong As You
I'm Sorry I Can't Handle Shit The Way You Could When You Were My Age
You Think I'm Just Running Away. You Think I'm Just Hiding And Putting It Off
The Reason It Looks Like I Don't Care Isn't Because I Don't Care... It's Because I Know I'll Be Gone Soon
I'm thinking about what Lie to tell you to make you look away from Me
That's is... That's what it is... So please just shut up... And leave me alone
Maybe this is because I've been too lax lately
I have a clock on my head now
I have to end it now.. At least try or start in some way
Everyday has to feel like the day I'd die
Before the clock runs out and Everything comes Crashing Down to Stop Me
Ok... 3 am... Once everyone's asleep and gone.. I'll try... Something..
Idk what but.. I have to try something
light kelp
I think this is the most I've cried in a while
I'm just gonna let it flow this time... I'm not gonna wipe the tears away from my face.. I want to feel it
light kelp
I want someone to say the right words...
Idk what it is but... I keep looking for it
But I know it's stupid
I'm fvcking stupid
I'm dumb for wanting it
cerulean compass
I'm just gonna let it flow this time... I'm not gonna wipe the tears away from m...
That's good
Don't try to stop them or push them out
Let them take their own course
cerulean compass
I'm dumb for wanting it
Its not dumb, everyone wants it?
Also wdym by the right words?
light kelp
Idk.. Idk what I mean
But the way I keep looking for people, discord dms, psychiatrist, hotlines... I want something.. I.. Just don't Know What It Is
light kelp
I think I'm becoming an alcoholic now, I haven't cut in a long time.. But I guess there's no reason to cut when your thinking about ending it soon.
Even if I fail.. I'll get closer and closer
Before I used to just say I would but now I have plans and now I have the pills and alcohol by my Bed
Eventually... It'll come
light kelp
Alright.. I'm doing it
10g is lethal... I'll take 20 just in case
It'll be a while before the effect kicks in but... Haaa.. Ok..
This probably won't kill me.. I know that
But I've procrastinated for so long... I have to try something or else I'll never do it
Or maybe it will.. Hopefully but.. It'll be slow and painful.
But for some reason I don't feel scared
I know I'll prob regret it while I'm dying but... It's better than living
light kelp
Alright...lethal dose taken
I don't feel anything right now, effects take 12 hours to kick in...
I'll write in here again once I feel my liver shutting down
I think I'm drunk now lol
I was taking shots too make the drugs worse but I guess I drank too much lmao
light kelp
OK! Done!
taken double lethal dose..
I threw up abit but I'm not gonna let that happen again
I hope that doesn't make me survive this
I think I'm drunk too.. Ugh
God my face feels flushed and my eyes...
light kelp
Don't do anything stupid
Don't you dare give in to any ideas like going to a doctor
Just let your organs shut down
Just let it
God I wish pills didn't take so long to digest... So I don't have to worry about throwing it up and surviving
light kelp
Finally got out ❤️
light kelp
Merry Christmas!
had a nice Dinner and played some poker which was nice
Exchanged some gifts
Got a session tmr so there's that as well
Idk... I still don't know if I want to die now or not
I definitely don't want to go back to the hospital again
I hate it there... I Hate It There So Much
But I wouldn't mind ending it if it was quick and painless
So.... Idk
I'll see... I think I'll live a few moments more and... Well... Idk
light kelp
I went clothes shopping after getting my hair done today
I kept trying on clothes I liked but it never fitted my body
I wish I could pull off the crop tops or skirts or dresses
I hate constantly having to wear pants, jeans, pants, jeans, pants, jeans Ughhh!
I did get a nice Cardigan Tho ❤️ I can tie it around my waist and it feels like a frilly skirt
So.. I guess that works for now
I saw so many pretty people in the store.. I kept thinking "God... I would kill to look half as pretty as her" and... It really sucks
Lately I Have been hearing more and more people confuse me for a girl and compliment my hair ❤️ so.... That's nice
light kelp
I think I've been feeling worse lately
I've been thinking "God I wanna die" more and more often
But I still don't wanna go back to the hospital... I don't ever wanna go back there
I feel scared... Ive been going back to hating myself more and more again
Oh... And also happy new years
light kelp
Today was absolutely horrible
I'm drinking again
I cut myself again
I wanna die again
I found more music to fantasize my death to
I'm happy to be home
light kelp
Can you fvxking believe him
Yeah i tried to kill myself as a CHALLENGE?!! Wtf Does that even Mean?!
YEAH I spent Countless nights crying And Hating Myself Because I'm a real Tough Bitch huh?!
God i change my mind, Fvck you your a fvxking idiot im never coming to You For Advice Again
Actually no I Didn't even Ask For Your Help You Forced It on Me You Fvck
Maybe I'm Not the Only One Who Doesn't Know What the Fvcks wrong with Myself! How About You Go think if MAYBE You Want to "Help" As a CHaLLenGEeEee fvxking smartass
Fvck you i Regret Ever putting my Trust in You
light kelp
He knows what I'm like why does he keep making fun of me
He does this a lot
I'm asking you to stop
I'm practically begging you to stop
But he keeps doing it anyways and He Laughs... He Laughs Afterwards
Did you know you contribute a lot to me wanting to kill myself?
You don't get to play the moral high ground and make me want to die
And while i sit here crying my eyes out and hating myself They get to move on instantly and forget all about it and feel good about themselves again
God i hate you all
light kelp
How about i do kill myself and make it so that the Last memory You Have of me is You Laughing at me while im crying and mad
Why am i in the wrong here?
Why am i the one in the wrong for not wanting to hear you laugh at me
light kelp
I'm never trusting anyone ever again
Idc if people keep telling me that I'm the one in the wrong and I'm the one that has to change
All my life listening to your advice has Only Ever Hurt me
So... I'm gonna be selfish here, Idc what reasons or "Advice" you have I Need To go with my Conclusion here
I Don't Care If I'm being "unhealthy" or an Asshole i can't stand listening to you anymore
So Yes, I'm gonna drink again. I'm gonna try and kill myself again and when you bitch about me while I'm dead I'll At Least be glad i didn't have to stand you while i was alive
light kelp
It's so hard to work when I'm drunk
At least I'm Alone Though And im balancing it with caffeine ❤️
Double Overdose ❤️
light kelp
He came back home
He's so fvcking happy
He's practically skipping while I'm sitting on the floor still hating him for what he did this morning
I think this was the final nail in the coffin for me not trusting people Now
He makes me feel like a joke
Like i have no say, no moral rights, nothing. I can be going through the worst day of my life and my mind can feel like it's going to blow but because of how it looks from the outside they just laugh
I'm imagining just blowing my brains out
Imagining his reaction
It feels so vivid
I got scared abit, and had to force myself to stop thinking about it because it felt to real
Im noticing now as well, Everytime he starts talking or goes near me My Body Flinches
God i just wanna die
light kelp
I feel like killing myself again
oh wow really~? I've never heard that beforee..
Oh. my God.. This is So unique and surprising i never expected this
How am i supposed to live to anywhere above 20
I can't even imagine being 30 years old
I would rather die tbh
It's like... How do people become good at something?
When do you reach a point in your progress that people don't shit on you anymore
And why can't i get there
I fvcking hate that God punishes people for killing themselves
Like just let us be alone forever in our own little white void at least Damn
...
I've been looking to get into Dnd lately
I enjoyed baldurs Gate and it looks like it might help me with my.. Problems but..
Interacting with people is scary
I.. Know... I'm not like others
I know that... I won't.. Fit in
There is no "oh she's quiet but so kind once she opens up" Like.. I'm just a.. Waste.. Like literally
Inside and out I'm.. Nothing
How can i ever expect to play with a group that.. Can.. Have.. Fun.. Around me? God that feels wrong to even put in the same sentence
orchid musk
Hey, I hope you're doing alright. I just wanted you to know that even if sometimes you feel like life is not on your side, people (even if you dont know them) are still here, waiting for you to get up because they believe in you. x