#future psychologist that might need to go to a psychiatrist :))

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flint hazel
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future psychologist that might need to go to a psychiatrist :))

bold bluff
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If you feel embrass to tell in public you surely can tell me in dms, I can might help you

flint hazel
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But I'm also that friend that will always be helping others because I feel like that gives me a purpose

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And even tho that's how I've been coping for the last 5 years (along with ||cutting myself for around 3 years|| and now being close to relapsing after being clean for 2 years), I think it's time for a change

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Not necessarily "time" but I feel like I'm going crazy so I need to change smth

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I will always love it when somebody will pick up the phone to call me when they're having a bad day cuz I love being that safe space for ppl.. the safe space I've never had

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But I need a shoulder to cry on from time to time too

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And not from strangers, but from my friends that I've helped

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And I don't help ppl to get help back. I think it's pretty obvious that for the last 5 years I was the one helping and not getting anything back but smiles and the title of "amazing friend"

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But those ppl are somewhat like my family

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When somebody shares that much with me, and sometimes it's VERY private stuff, I put them somewhere high in my mind, because they trusted me with that info, so I want to trust them back

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The truth is that, as much as I will complain that they didn't help me back, I never asked for help

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Because I'm always the tough one in any friendship. I'm the resistance pole that keeps the friendship stable, I'm the one that texts so that we don't lose contact, I'm the one to wish happy b-day to everyone but nobody to me, etc

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The one and only time I cried in high-school was when a ||guy strangled me in front of 30 other people and i had a panic attack and couldnt calm down for around 4h. Passed out multiple times and the teachers were calling me a slut for talking to boys at 15 years old, instead of giving me a sip of water||

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But I don't think crying is shameful or anything. I just got used to hide my feelings so that I could help others instead. Like when I was little and I had to take care of my mom that was on some meds that were making her sleep a lot, I was 11 and we had very very little money so dad would be at work and I'd be home taking care of mom and cooking, but when there weren't enough potatoes let's say for 2 portions of mashed potatoes, I'd choose to give her the food, and I'd go hungry for another day

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That's what I'm doing now too. I am upset, I try to be upset and cry to let everything out and then my phone rings and somebody is having a bad day. I choose to help them instead of helping myself

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THIS

flint hazel
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Today I went for a walk in a uni campus. It's very quiet there. You can only hear the birds and.. that's about it

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A lot of ppl ||commit suicide|| there and that's Hella disturbing when I think about it. There's lots of trees, lots of flowers and grass, nice new buildings and lots of students walking around, some of them laughing, some others crying

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But overall it's a nice quiet place where I like to go

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Plus, in one of the buildings there is one of my fav coffee shops, somewhere in some sort of basement

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And I can see some 3d printers through some huge glass doors

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It's really cool

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I fed some birds with bread crumbs from my sandwich

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I loved to see them eating

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Then I noticed an ant carrying one veeeeery small piece of bread

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It's fascinating how the world just keeps going, no matter how many bad things are happening (on a micro level)

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I also so a blackbird

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It was singing so beautifully

west frigate
rigid coyote
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🇷🇺

flint hazel
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🇷🇺

flint hazel
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So I will start by presenting the people I will talk about. We have A-my partner, B- his brother, AB- their mom and 0-my mom

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AB got covid and A has been such a mama's boy almost crying for her (literally), being like a little puppy around her, rubbing her back, talking softly, getting her meds and all that

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Keep in mind i spent the weekend with A and AB, while B wasn't with us

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We go back to AB's house, we take B and we go to my place

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The next day we find out officially that AB has covid and not just a cold

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The next day we also find out 0 has covid

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Me and A decide to let B crash at our place for the week until AB is not contagious anymore

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B is 16. All he did was stay up all night playing games, being loud and smoking inside the house

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Everything stinks and I haven't slept properly in 5 days

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I cooked for him, I cleaned after him but he couldn't care any less

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Yesterday my throat started hurting

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I took some pills, I got a covid test and it came back negative

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I woke up today, the last day of B's stay at my place

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And I asked A when I'd B leaving

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Because I'm so sick of it and him

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And I'm actually literally sick

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And I want peace and quiet

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And then I told him "how is it my fault that your mom got covid from her coworker? Why do I have to make things work for everyone all the time? Why am I at fault that he couldn't go back home cuz his mom was contagious? And I'm sick too"

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To which he insinuated I got covid from MY mom (which I haven't spent any time with)

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And said "why do you always have to be so dramatic and play the victim"

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OKAY MAMA'S BOY

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GO BACK TO UR MOMS PLACE AND CRY CUZ SHES SNEEZING AND COUGHING

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And leave me the f alone

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Because I can take care of myself

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I don't need anyone to care for me

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I'm self sufficient

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I've been my own parent for so many years