Trying to break my habit of being manipulative.

[mellow saffron]

how do you accidentally manipulate someone though

[kind goblet]

I do things to get sympathy and to get my way without realizing it

[mellow saffron]

so its like a bad habit

[kind goblet]

It's a horrible one, yeah.

I also have really bad emotional issues and I easily lash out at people for small things

I don't have any excuses I just want to become a better person.

[mellow saffron]

try to stop yourself when you make a mistake and trying to pin it on others or whatever it is you are doing

accept to others that its your fault or something like that

[past estuary]

A therapist once told me to count from 10 to 0

[mellow saffron]

and?

why?

[past estuary]

I personally had anger issues then realized it was because of my environment
I'm saying this because I want you to see if there's something in your house, school, work place... That might triger you

[mellow saffron]

ohh

[past estuary]

I think because you get to think of something else and step away from the situation and it makes you think outside of your anger

[mellow saffron]

mhmm

yeah i understand

[past estuary]

I fixed my anger by growing up but I also told my friends about it
That I don't mean it & I don't have control over it. Luckily they were very nice to me & in those situations they gave me space

So talking might be healthy
People help you a lot more than you think

[kind goblet]

I don't know if this counts but when I was younger and in elementary school I was put into a special ed classroom where I was abused (I was diagnosed with autism from an early age)

But my trauma shouldn't justify being such a volatile person

I don't want to make my friends sad and I don't want to force how I feel on other people

[past estuary]

It doesn't but it's also okay. The fact that you are upset and want to change it says a lot.
So if you think that's the issue why not talk about it? Is there something that makes you angry about it? Like do you feel mad for not standing up for yourself?

[kind goblet]

I don't know what changed after that, I became more defensive as a person.

Maybe I just didn't want to be hurt again

And then that habit built up towards me having an ego

and whenever that ego got hurt i got angry

i just hate being pushed around

but i associate the wrong things with people trying to push me around

i also have issues tone reading

[past estuary]

The little one inside you is pretty scared from those times.
Do you trust your friends? The friends you have now?

[kind goblet]

I don't think so.

I can never tell when they're joking, when they're serious

when they're just messing around with me because we're friends

it's not their fault

i just

cant read people

i always get shit for saying this and i dont know if its justified but

my autism makes it hard for me to read tone and body language

over text it's even harder

i had to get training at another school just to socialize normally

[past estuary]

Maybe you should put some lines with your friends about what jokes are funny to them and not to you.

[kind goblet]

Put some lines?

I'm sorry I don't understand.

[past estuary]

& I don't think it's your fault for not finding it funny

[past estuary]

Yeah like having boundaries?

Yup that's the right word

[kind goblet]

It's not that I don't find their humor funny

I just don't know when they're joking.

I don't really know when anyone's joking unless it's really exaggerated

[past estuary]

Oh apologies that I got it wrong
Are the jokes about you or just general jokes?

[kind goblet]

Both but we're all guys.

Guys poke fun at each other all the time and it's harmless I just

because of what i went through

i can never tell when it's a joke

i get angry i feel like

i have to defend myself

i cant get picked on

but then it'll turn out they weren't even trying to pick on me

[past estuary]

I see ... Well I'm not sure but maybe literally tell them this? That it's because of what happened
You might find a lot of comfort from them?

[past estuary]

Listen in my opinion these are very normal I know kids who got bullied in young ages and I was one of them. One thing I found common was the isolation & people being hard to read for them. I also saw some having trouble in school and some looking for academic validation. But all are having a very hard time with social relationships like being defensive towards jokes or not being able to make friends.

It just means it hasn't healed yet.
Maybe talking more about the bullying part helps much more

[kind goblet]

Maybe.

Thank you.

This meant a lot.