Mentally spiraling

[crisp charm]

Hi! I found that talking to a therapist or working things out by myself wasn't working. I desperately needed a space to vent to myself. If you ever read through this, I think you'll find that I am extremely mentally unstable even though I'm aware of it. I just have so many thoughts and perceptions of things, it can make your head spin.

[crisp charm]

It took me a while to think about what to write. I'm at work and slightly stressed but not too much

I feel a lot of guilt over my behavior the past 2 weeks. I've been taking edibles practically everyday

I just felt so stressed. That being all messed up felt better than being sober

But I don't mind because it isn't as addictive as alcohol/less negative effects

Over the past few years, I keep meeting the wrong kinds of people. Getting caught up in the wrong things

Their own mental issues and baggage -- almost transfers onto me

For example, my ex workplace was Starbucks. I left because I was getting paid below minimum and also it was getting bad

I had several male coworkers sexually harassing a bunch of girls

And then this one coworker of mine went to the mental hospital 2x.

which she was practically insane so

She was threatening me and doxxing everyone on Tiktok

I had to go to our university and basically get a restraining order on her

I don't know how to explain these feelings. It's like dissociation from life

I feel like I'm always walking around and doing actions. Not because I want to, but because I know I "have to"

So it feels like when others impose their issues or they're clearly fighting their demons

I feel scared

So whenever a person talks shit about me, they react, etc

I get so caught off guard because I think to myself

"Oh I didn't even know people perceived me, I hope they don't"

In fact, I don't want others to have an influence on my life or how I live

But it's a contradiction because I do care what people think about me

Maybe I only care because I've had times as a kid where

People spread false rumors and their false thoughts about me, did influence reality and how people treated me

But I should realize that most people probably don't care about me

[crisp charm]

I got very frustrated tonight because I was trying to vent to my mom

I was telling her that my job is being annoying

She was in an argumentative and picky mood anyways

Starts ripping me apart and saying I never leave the house on time for school/work

That I don't visibly look nervous or excited to be late

I mean, everytime I get out the house. I have to visit my disabled and dying grandma

And I hate to say that I love my grandma, but I wish she would pass away so she'd suffer less

Due to her severe ALS, all her limbs are disabled

I have to practically lift her entire body weight, just so she can use the toilet

I mean....

I would feel wretched if my body started dying on me and I needed to rely on others like that

Basically I have to visit my grandma before work... after work.... before school... weekends....

But I felt like my grandma and mom were being selfish

By not putting her into a 24/7 care home

Because my grandma has fallen several times

She's wailed and cried from not being able to use the bathroom (she doesn't want to use her diapers)

My grandma always argues and emotionally hurts my mom

But at the same time it's hurtful for me to leave her apartment, and hear my grandma having the MOST

I mean most anguished sobs

And that meant everyone else living in that senior apartments place, would also hear my grandmq

[crisp charm]

But in regards to this

I feel 0 excitement in life because watching my grandma slowly die for 2 years is painful

Being partially forced to care for her because I'm a girl (culture shenanigans)

And I feel extremely depressed in general

I go to work just for a bunch of adults to go shit on me because they're in a bad mood

An adult threatened to get me fired because I was writing and "not doing anything"

I was writing sales report sheets....

I try to get my physics, chemistry, homework done at work -- only if I have nothing to do or there are no customers

Which is fine because I work at a luxury brand. And people don't normally just walk in all the time

Apparently my boss says I'm allowed to use my phone/Netflix, but I can't do my homework....

Idk how homework is considered less professional than using Tik Tok

My coworker also has a random vendetta against me for no reason

So I was extremely stressed

She was accusing me of things I didn't do

I'm just wondering why a 48 year old woman who can't afford her own rent -- is trying to pick a fight with a college kid

I mean shit, my coworkers

They're all these older women who have no prospects in life. I'm so serious

My boss is quitting in 2 weeks so she knows this is a shitty workplace

So I'm not sure why she intends on being so annoying