I’m currently in a relationship that’s killing me, as hard as it is to say. We have twins on the way due in August. Her and I have had our fights, but it’s almost an every single day type of thing. I even had to call the cops on her, once for her threatening to hurt herself, and twice for her getting physical with me. She got taken away and she’s afraid of being put in jail now, but I’ve talked with the court and they said she wouldn’t go to jail. I’m trying to reverse what happened, because I want to be with her and our children, but she constantly hangs it over my head, and she’s speaking with her ex-fiancé after I told her so many times that it makes me uncomfortable. I’ve already given her so much, basically all of my money, I’ve given up tons of friends, family, even my job. I’ve given her everything, and it never seems to be enough. We have our good days, but then I learn that she’s talking with her ex again and it destroys me inside, but I stay because I’m trying to trust that she won’t cheat on me. There are a lot of other things, but I don’t know what she wants. I never feel good enough for her, and I’m in constant fear that her ex-fiancé is just a backup plan in case she just doesn’t want to love me anymore or something. I don’t know what to do and it’s constantly killing me inside, but leaving her would hurt worse.
#To Leave or to Stay
dark marten
dark marten
yeah, not sure what to do
agile tangle
im terrible with advice (espescially when it comes stuff like this) so you should prolly take this with a grain of salt
But i would personally leave. I know it truly is easier said than done and that its gonna be hard. But you should put your own mental health first and she clearly wont help you when it comes to that.
this might be very dry/lame advice, and if it is im so sorry
dark marten
No I appreciate it a lot, I’m just stuck on leaving or staying. She’s doing all of these things, but at the same time, I love her with all of who I am, and I want to raise our kids together, it’s just hard to keep letting myself die inside
It would be even harder to leave though. That’s why I’m stuck
agile tangle
it might be pre-birth depression. I dont know a lot about it but it could be whats shes dealing with. Have she always been this way?
dark marten
Yeah, she’s always had issues with anything I do. If everything is perfect, she’ll find something else that she doesn’t like and argue about it, even before pregnancy
Anything I do is never good enough. It always turns around to something else
agile tangle
then it sounds like a pretty toxic relationship
i dont really think your kids desserve to deal with that
dark marten
She also just has her ex-fiancé in her back pocket as a “friend”, and I’m not sure if it’s genuinely that or if it’s a 2nd option
agile tangle
it probably isnt.
even if she is using him as a shoulder to cry on, she will probably (key word, probably) start getting feelings for him
dark marten
yeah, probably not
I’m sure she will. She even told me that she still has love for him, but she used the excuse that he’s her “first love”, and “nobody ever loses love for their first”.
dark marten
Even with that though, I’m still fighting every gut feeling I have to trust her. I just know that a romantic connection is still there
He will always be an option for her
I just don’t want it to fail, that’s why I’m trying
agile tangle
if you do figure something out and yall actually get slightly better terms. Best thing to do would probably be to get her some professional mental help
from what i can tell she aint doing quite well when it comes to her own mental health
agile tangle
if you do figure something out and yall actually get slightly better terms. Best...
(and of course some for yourself)
dark marten
Yeah, I’ve thought about it, but I’m afraid of what’s next. I have to choose to either move down with her, or move with family. If I choose family, she’ll probably end things with me. If I choose her, I’ll have to deal with all of this and just hope that things do work out
agile tangle
yeah i see, that is a huge dilema
do you have any other people your age to rely on?
like for their own opinions and what they would do
dark marten
Yeah, but they all say to basically figure it out myself. They say they’d leave immediately, but she’s pregnant with my kids so I can’t just leave.
agile tangle
do you yourself have any mental problems? Trauma, mental illness, etc.?
dark marten
I’ve been cheated on, so pretty severe anxiety from that. Mild PTSD from the military, depression, etc.
I also just have a really bad taste in women. All of my exes have had BPD
All manipulative, all wanting more and more
dark marten
I’m not sure. My family and friends think she either has Bipolar Disorder or BPD, but I don’t know enough to say
My last ex is BaldieBihs on insta, if you want to see my poor choices
agile tangle
k
but (at least in my country) the system is usually most biased to whoever is doing the best mentally, so if youre not fit for being a parent. You dont get to be one
idrk if this helps in any way either but eh, worth throwing out
dark marten
She definitely isn’t fit I don’t think. She has a serious issue with anger. She’s also been through the system before
dark marten
I’m not sure that I’d have much of a choice if she was declared unfit, but I do know that they won’t make me feel bad every second of the day, and that’s good enough for me
agile tangle
just make your kids your first priority if you want them to have a good life
or at least a good childhood
dark marten
yeah that's all I want at this point, to make sure their lives are the best
agile tangle
yea
but right now you should focus on yourself, and your mental health. So take a bit of time off to pick yourself up. Then come back and decide what to do
because personally i recommend you leave her. And try very goddam best to take the kids with you
(again, might be dry advice)
dark marten
I definitely think leaving her would probably be the way to go, and it hurts me to even say that, but it’s just a repeated cycle. Good, bad, bad, bad, Good, bad, bad, etc.
I appreciate all of the advice you’ve given
nocturne rune
Leave and appeal the court for custody of the children when they are born.