This just to illustrate the mental state I was in when I finally arrived at her place. It’s a small apartment because she’s on government assistance and it was very messy with lots of stuff still unpacked as she had only recently moved there. That was also very hard because I felt like suffocating in the lack of space. I tried to be considerate and understanding.
Then the next day happened. I had agreed to join a session with her therapist because she felt the cultural differences might impact our relationship. There she brought up stuff that felt strange to her in summer, that she didn’t say back then: she was very hurt by some sexual comments I made in good faith and/or humor and definitely not to hurt her or out of being inconsiderate. I simply thought we were on the same page regarding this kind of talk - had she voiced feeling uncomfortable there and then I had apologized. But she had posted in my country’s subreddit asking if men here generally are like that but the way she described it was totally out of context and I felt like a monster. I asked her why she didn’t say anything or if it felt like I was such a person when I was being caring and loving and gentle with her and she said that seemed strange and contradictory back then which is why she was confused. She also brought up something about the way I dress for work, stating it’s over the top and that I’m putting on a facade, as if I was insecure and trying too hard to prove my worth.
That was really hurtful to me and together with my state from the flight and the lack of space made it very difficult for me. I withdrew and that created a distance between us. It was hard to be there for her when she got really emotional because I felt she should be the one to reach out to me and make the first step towards reconciliation.
#Having a hard time moving on after breakup; feeling guilty and ugly and helpless.
lunar plume
The whole visit was a Desaster. I wasn’t reacting in an adult way to the lack of space like I should have. The whole series of events prevented me to. I should’ve offered to clean up together with her. Had she told me how overwhelmed she was herself by it that would have definitely helped. But she didn’t. I often snapped at her and one night we had a big argument and she called me immature and superficial because she got the feeling I didn’t find her sexy anymore. I started crying because I felt ugly for giving off that vibe, which I did because I’m hard on myself for my belly fat. She stormed out angry and when she came back I told her she was right and that I’m projecting my wish to be perfect onto others. This time I tried to bridge the gap. I made lunch for her the next day when she had to work and started putting together her new furniture. But still the damage was done and I was in emotional turmoil because her being angry (she also had two beers) made me really afraid she could hit me (she had hit the wall some nights before because of her emotional state).
I need to add here that while I definitely noticed her gaining weight, I still desired her and found her sexy. It’s difficult because of the way I acted and I understand she wouldn’t believe that, but I can write it here in good faith: not for a second did I not find her sexy anymore. But I couldn’t properly show her.
After I got back home we talked about the whole thing, I apologized and explained some stuff. I felt we were on the way of finding together again. Then she very suddenly brought up the fact that one time when I kissed her hello after she came home from work she noticed a scent on my lips as if I had gone down on her and asked me if I had been unfaithful with her whilst there. Of course I didn’t. I told her so. She said she needed to think on it more.
The next day when we talked she broke up with me, saying I’m always defensive, that my reactions are childish, I need to grow up, that I’m not at all who she thought I was. She claimed I didn’t clearly say I didn’t cheat on her when that was literally the first thing I said - that I’d never do that to her. She also brought up the contact photo I had for her stating it was disrespectful to choose that - it was one I took in summer of her sticking her tongue out when we were being silly together. I thought it was cute and it showed a side I’ve always valued in the women I was with, being silly and cute and childlike carefree together. To me it wasn’t disrespectful at all.
She said I had behaved like a spoiled brat when I was visiting her. I can see where she’s coming from. It’s not about being right or being treated unfairly. She has seen me at my worst and I’m deeply sorry. But she blocked me and didn’t give me a chance to properly apologise. I’ve seen the error of my ways. I know if the series of things had been different I would’ve handled it much better. I know I have to improve and I caused her lots of unnecessary hurt. But for the things she had brought up I apologized and explained when we talked after I got back home. I tried to make sense and explain my emotional state and why it was so difficult for me to act differently, but that I saw her points. It’s too late now anyway but I’m having a hard time to accept it all, that I won’t get forgiveness from her. That it’s over because of … things that to me don’t necessarily need to cause a breakup. Yes, I was horrible then, and of course it’s her prerogative. But I feel like I hadn’t left her if the roles were reversed. She was the one name calling me during our argument, something I don’t think is ever okay, but it’s something I can forgive her. Still it is unbearable to me.
mighty ivy
age and pronouns?
lunar plume
I cry all the time. I remember us, in summer, how beautiful it was. Us being cute and endearing together. Making sure we’re okay, caring for each other. It’s all in my head still and the thought she thinks I’m some awful person and not the one I seemed in summer is horrible. I wasn’t being myself with her the second time and that fact is eating me up now.
I guess I just need some form of advice how to handle these feelings now and how to act better in similar situations next time. Thank you if you read all that.
lunar plume
age and pronouns?
I'm 31M, she's 37F.
mighty ivy
💀
Damn
You are 31 bro
You are a man now
I think you can handle your shit yourself
why did you date a older woman in the first place
nah
reading this makes me feel she took u for granted
do u have a job
lunar plume
Yes, I do.
mighty ivy
work hard then
fuck that bitch
she belongs to the streets
work hard bro
ur a man
u need to
work
hard
make ur parents proud
bitches come bitches go
money stays
get a new one
lunar plume
I don't like to refer to my partners as bitches.
mighty ivy
I don't like to refer to my partners as bitches.
you do you then gang
I move on
stay stuck crying over her, the world laughs at u all day
learn to move on
work hard
keep yourself distracted
be a G
proper vine
Hey there, that's fine if your choose the past of your Jesus Christ but please know that not everyone will follow the same religion. Secondly, the talk to religion isn't allowed on this server. It's to prevent conflicts and fights from starting over religion.