#Matt’s journal about life

1 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

old raptor
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Puerto Rico. I’m scared too return there edit: I’m sorry it’s too long I just wanted to write how I feel

old raptor
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I’ve been too Puerto Rico 3 times. 1st in 2019, 2nd In 2021 and 3rd in 2023. I’m scared too return too one of my favorite vacation spots. The reason why for this is because I dislike my dad’s side of the family. I used too look up to them and now I’m ashamed for loving/looking up too them. We departed from Seattle and landed in Boston. But there was a fuel leak in Seattle so since we were supposed too take 2 planes the flight at Boston had already left. I was stuck in Boston for 17 hours and finally made it too Puerto Rico. After we arrived we got to the resort and we went to visit family. My cousin lied. Because she has a job in San Juan (the capital of Puerto Rico) which was an hour away where me and my sister and dad and uncle and aunt were having our barbecue (mom didn’t come because of divorce reasons) and my cousin lied saying she was coming yet she went home and rested and we waited 2 hours for her. Then there’s the dinner. Me and my sister went too dinner with my dad aunt and uncle. And when my uncle greeted us my aunt was hugging my dad my uncle kissed my sister on the lips (what the actual fuck!?) after seeing that I felt so uncomfortable for the dinner. Then my uncle and aunt asked so many questions about me and my sister with school and stuff asked if my sister had a boyfriend (she does) and he zoomed in on his face. Then my aunt kept grabbing my arms and face and just kept talking too me in Spanish (I had no idea what she said) my dad showed them his new car he bought last year in 2022 (keep in mind he has no idea what has happened between both of these family members) so eventually me and my sister told our dad and my sister almost cried. After that they kept calling us too hangout with us. And then after that on the final day my dad has to return something too them. My dad returns this bowl too him and they ask my dad why we didn’t see them. My dad explains why and somehow my bitch of an aunt tells me uncle: “you shouldn’t have done that” man wtf?

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Okay I ran outta room so part 2: fear of Puerto Rico

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So eventually it was time too leave puerto Rico and we left and we landed in Atlanta too head back home too Washington. After that we spent literally 24 HOURS IN THE AIRPORT DUE TO WEATHER AND LIGHTING STRIKES. So after that we finally landed home and honestly I don’t like being touched. Like at all. Like I’m so sensitive too touching that like I just flip out when somebody I barely know touches me on my back or arms or something like that. I only give new people handshakes or dab ups like “dab me up bro!” Never hugs or anything.

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I just don’t trust people any longer

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It’s hard. It really is. I loved Puerto Rico and and all went too hell

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Sometimes I wish I could just return and have fun

old raptor
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Day 2 being sick with Covid

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I feel like shit literally

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I can barley walk and my back hurts a bunch

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My mom got Covid a week before and she was sitting on the furniture and cooking food. But somehow when I do it my sister and mom lose their minds

old raptor
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There’s something I’ve been struggling with for a hella long time

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It is about this girl. And she’s in this server so I’m gonna have to be carful about typing this

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Let’s call her ML. (My love) we met while I was in Puerto Rico I saw her doing the ||sh|| goals thing and so I congratulated her about it so me and her started talking and she would go to these parties and events that teenagers would drink alcohol and do other messed up horrible shit. So eventually me and her talked about it and I saved her from all that bad stuff. Her boyfriend that she had at the time had cheated on her so I was there too comfort her. I found out she used to live in the city in live in but moved too a country that’s next too my country. After that we became best friends and after that we became lovers. We were so in love that she eventually wanted too get married too me and have kids. I’m 16 and she’s 17 so eventually I found out in our friendship she mad this huge crush on me and I was pretty attracted to her so we were in love and just loved each other and talked about the future together. It felt as if she was my world, and she meant the world too me. I’ve dated a few girls but it seemed like ML was perfect for me. Just PERFECT. We even made a playlist together and I found us a love song and we even exchange numbers and would play iMessage games and stay up late at night. Then the day after Christmas came. She was ignoring me for a few days and then the day after Christmas (I wasn’t having a good Christmas because it was my first Christmas with divorced parents) that’s another story for another time. She broke my heart. Just broke things off with me and honestly I felt sad as fuck and begged her not too not break my heart. Then New Year’s Eve I felt so weak. She blocked me on everything and said she no longer wanted too be my friend. And blocked me. I felt like such a piss baby or a weak asshole. I punched my phone and cried that she left me.

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And honestly I miss her everyday. I still love her… but sorta dislike her for what she did… I’m not sure how to explain it but I just wish I treated her better

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I was ||sucidal|| ever since April of 2023. (Most of 2023) and she just worried too much about me and it was unhealthy for her because she kept worrying one day I may never wake up

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I took up most of her time. She always told me she needed a break from talking sometimes or was always busy and I would get upset. And honestly I was a total dick

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I truly regret being ||suicidal|| and always ready to ||die|| on the go and stuff. I’m not sure if she she’ll see this

old raptor
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Sometimes I feel like I’m falling down in life. I feel as if I’m just becoming more weaker and more upset with life.

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Like I lost my love, my parents got divorced, my favorite teacher disappeared and left the school district, there’s people at school that hate me

old raptor
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I pissed off my ex

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Let’s call her A

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I said some stupid shit in the heat of the moment and I feel terrible

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I feel like she didn’t care for our love or relationship

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We broke up a few months ago and she found a new person

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And I just felt like she was talking with him while we were together

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She would never call me or wanna talk to me a lot

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And so one time she told me she wasn’t a virgin

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And she said it makes her very uncomfortable

limber cloud
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damn…

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im sorry dude

old raptor
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And so then

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Basically she never wanted too be intimate with me

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And I said how could you do it with somebody who was a creep and a pervert

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But not me who loved you

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And she got upset and blocked me

limber cloud
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wow

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im not tryna be sexist or anything but that’s why i don’t trust women or rly any1

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in general

old raptor
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Like she said she wanted too be ||raped|| by him

old raptor
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Not all women are bad

limber cloud
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yeah

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well everyone i’ve met has treated me like shit accept one

old raptor
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Except one woman?

limber cloud
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yeah

old raptor
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I see

old raptor
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Today I had a great day today

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Got some food at my favorite restaurant for dinner tonight

limber cloud
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W

old raptor
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I still feel sad and miss her after 2 months of her leaving

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I feel as if she’s found another man

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I just have a feeling or sense she has

old raptor
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I wish I could find real friends

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I just wish my 2 friends who are dating each other would just have time too talk too me

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They’re always busy and never respond

limber cloud
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sucks man

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i broke my phone now half it doesn’t work

old raptor
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I can’t with this fucking shit

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I hate school, and I hate so much people there

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A bunch of degenerates, assholes, losers, and idiots

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Today I got choked by this kid for no reason

limber cloud
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Sorry that happened matt...

old raptor
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And nobody literally did shit too help me today

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My counselor was like: “oh kids come from bad environments or learn this stuff from parents”

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Like what in the hell? That’s not my problem literally just talk too this dude or punish him

limber cloud
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yh

old raptor
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Schools will do anything except punish the bully

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They always punish the victim

limber cloud
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Yeah thats so true bruh

old raptor
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Today this girl may have broken or sprained or fractured my thumb

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Being the insecure stupid teenager, I am

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I got a haircut yesterday

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And so this girl tried too see my hair and she tried too pull off my hood and then I blocked her hand and both of her hands collided

limber cloud
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damn

old raptor
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So she sprained my finger

limber cloud
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rip

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did you get it checked out?

old raptor
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Not yet, because my mom has been at work

limber cloud
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ahh

limber cloud
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updates updates we needd updates!

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(jk)

old raptor
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SUNNY SUNNY SUNNY

limber cloud
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YOOOOOO

old raptor
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GOING ON A CRUISE THAT HAS AN ALL YOU CAN EAT GLUTEN FREE BUFFET

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Oh

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I can’t send gifs in here

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My fault

limber cloud
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lol

jaunty junco
old raptor
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I got into an argument with my mom about it

old raptor
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Kristine is my barber. And when I get haircuts I wait for it to grow mid growth

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So when it’s like the way I like it that’s when my confidence boost kicks in

old raptor
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Basically I thought about ||killing|| myself back in November which I remember the day so I refer to it as November 28th

old raptor
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And so that’s why I told my mom this is why I shoudlve yk offed myself because of people like her. I then Broke down crying because my thumb was in pain and I spent Valentine’s Day alone

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And so then I worried my mom and dad because I fell asleep on the couch cause I wanted to sleep off the anger

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And then they called me like 8 times and texted me about 15 times because I wasn’t answering and they were worried

craggy mountain
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I'm glad you have parents that care enough to check up on you

old raptor
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I mean it’s just hard

craggy mountain
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I know

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but

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Really take a moment to think about the realtionships you have with the people you have and find a way to best optimize that

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and I mean really think on it

old raptor
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Oh good god

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Why do I miss her so much still?

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I still do

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Even after she broke my heart and left

old raptor
old raptor
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The cruise ship has gone good I’m just sorta worried about returning to school

limber cloud
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Why?

old raptor
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And the girl who sprained it

limber cloud
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Oh yea

old raptor
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I need to talk my shit

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Okay I feel so useless

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wtf am I even doing

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I help so much people and I barley get a thanks for the shit and support i do

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I hate those mfs who always try and get a reaction out of you

old raptor
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I just hate being ugly as well

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I hate the way I look

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The way I dress is completely fine

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That’s the one thing I love

lusty compass
# old raptor That’s the one thing I love

hey, its okay. i get how u feel and when u feel like people r taking advantage of u, its best to distance. remember that u have helped alot and those help will one day come back to u. i hope ull get the support u deserve

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if u feel upset or anything, i suggest journalling about the great things u have in life

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whenever i feel like i hate how i look and feel bad abt myself, i just start thinking abt good things i like abt myself or what i have

old raptor
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You found this😭

lusty compass
limber cloud
old raptor
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RANT: Why am I so pissed off?

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This trip was okay but honestly I just wanna head the fuck home

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Everybody on the cruise was with a family member or a friend group and I was just alone by myself most of the time

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My mom was too naggy just flipping out at me for shit and dragging me along to stuff I didn’t wanna go see or do

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I spent most of the time in the room because I had nothing to do

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It’s just holy hell

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She always got mad at me when I’d swipe my nose with my knuckles and said I need to blow my nose when it’s an itch

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I don’t use my fucking finger and then it looks like I’m picking my damn nose! When I really have a fucking itch!

limber cloud
old raptor
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Okay I’m now a bit more calmer

old raptor
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Okay journal entry idk what number at this point

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I cannot return to school at all

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I pissed off a lot of people

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And a lot of people are pissed off ay me

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I’m gonna have so much work to catch up one

old raptor
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Why am I so fucking upset once again

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I can’t with this shit

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I can’t with all of it

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It’s so stupid

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My thumb was injured and my school barley did shit about it

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They just talked to the girl who did it

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My mom is too naggy as well

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She keeps telling me to move this way or that way and it’s like my space fuck out of it

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And then there’s my airport thing

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I almost cried in the airport today and I feel like a pussy for almost crying it’s stupid and I know it is

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I just feel like since my parents are divorced my mom won’t be able to afford stuff for me

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Stupid divorce

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I can’t with both of them

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I hate how my mom body shames me

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Saying I’m skinny when I wanna eat more to get muscles

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But my mom is overweight and she’s wanted to lose weight

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And if I said: “you’re fat and you need to lose weight more” that would be rude obviously and would be body shaming

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Honestly

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I’m just so tired of this bullshit and everything that’s happening in the world

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I just wanna fly to my state land and grab my luggage get droven home

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Then fall asleep

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Because honestly

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Sleep isn’t even sleep anymore

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I just do it to escape reality

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Honestly

limber cloud
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Possibly talk to her abt how you dont like being body shamed like that

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(I wish i could help but im kinda dumb)

old raptor
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I finally landed and I feel so sick rn

limber cloud
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Smaw but i didnt land im js sick

old raptor
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Rant about my mom

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My mom and dad are going through a divorce so. Last year in 2023 she bought this couch

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This couch is my after school hangout

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Everyday I get home and just grab some snacks and then go upstairs and watch tv or do homework

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Or talk to my lovely friend @bold raptor

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And then I just stay hours there just chilling

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I recently came back from the cruise trip I was on and my mom had a bunch of her stuff on the couch because she packed before we left for the trip and we got home Sunday night so she couldn’t fix it in time

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And so then I got home today and moved her bags and everything else and I put it on this mountain of stuff she already had

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And then it fell down and my mom yelled at me and accused me of throwing it

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And got mad saying: “I know it’s messy”

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So why the fuck don’t you ever fix it

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Her bathroom counter is a mess

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Her office room/art studio is a fucking mess

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And so is fucking downstairs

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Maybe stop bitching about it and actually clean it the fuck up

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I can’t with what she does

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She always makes a mess and so does my sister

limber cloud
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nvm

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Have you ever tried telling her about these things?

limber cloud
old raptor
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Why do I still miss her

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I miss my ex lover

limber cloud
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Alot of people miss their ex

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Alot if ppl miss their ex for there whole life depending on the severity

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Theres nothing you can do abt it

old raptor
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Are some people just degenerates or what?

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I have a friend who wants to date me and they said if I don’t respond in time or give them attention they’ll cheat on me

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My god the dating world is so bad now

tiny venture
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Don't date them

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Actual loser lmfao

old raptor
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A bunch of people who demand high values

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And a bunch of unfaithful ass cheating dirty assholes

old raptor
tiny venture
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Good on you man

old raptor
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But just oh my god this is where we are

tiny venture
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The dating scenes ass, it's why i refuse to date anyone.

limber cloud
old raptor
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We’ve stooped this low

tiny venture
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I want a good old traditional Christian wife. Someone honest and true

old raptor
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The days of ladies and gentlemen are over

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I met a guy who asked a if she wanted to see his dick

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My god the dating scene has fallen

limber cloud
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Fax tho

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Its rly js sad

old raptor
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Honestly if I ever have kids

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And they wanna date somebody

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Good I don’t even wanna know

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And so then this girl is still awake

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And she texts me what I’m doing up awake

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And she then tells me

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Shes having an ||orgy|| with 3 people

tiny venture
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Block

old raptor
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How do people actually fucking live like this?

old raptor
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Well

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I got a new journal entry

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Okay new journal entry

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I just talked to my ex lover and honestly

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I hate life now!

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I hate and I just hate it!

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There is no such thing as romantic love for me at all

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Look at me

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I’m a godamn freak

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I vent to too much people

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And then when I bottle it all in people are like: “hey Matt that’s unhealthy dude it isn’t cool”

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Fuck else you want me to do?

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If I vent to you

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I’ll scare you off!

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I don’t deserve love from a woman at all

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It always goes to hell

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I’m a literal soldier at life like oh my hod

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I’ve almost been lit on fire by a kid at school

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I’ve been assaulted and have defended myself

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I’ve almost been ||stabbed|| at school with a ||scalpel||

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I’ve gone though my parents divorce and I’ve lost friends and had my heart broken

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Yeah. I know I’ll get through it

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I always do

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But

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It just hurts having to go through it

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I just can’t deal with all of it at once

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It’s so bad

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The school assignments, the people, I keep getting sick every year aorind this time

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It’s all too much to deal with on my ass

old raptor
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I just wonder why is it me

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Like with people who just ask me stupid questions

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Or people who just come up to troll me or want me to do stupid shit

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Like honestly just piss off im trying to get to class and get my shit done so I can get my dream job

old raptor
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Okay it is 6:34 am rn

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I gotta get ready for school

limber cloud
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I havent gone to school for a week

old raptor
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Okay so

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School has sorta been overwhelming my ass

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Like

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I got so much notes to work on and stuff

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Like bruhhh

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I honestly gotta get on top of my priorities and gotta get my grades up

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I can’t deal with some of the people in my new classes

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The girl who sprained my thumb looks at me all the time

old raptor
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I don’t know what to do tbh about her

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Like

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She waved at me yesterday

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I can’t stand the bathrooms at school either

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Everytime I try and go during passing period

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It’s a bunch of vapers surrounding the toilets

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Get the hell outta my way and lemme take a leak

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So tired of it like my god

old raptor
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My thoughts on move honestly with me I think I get it. This is going to be a lame metaphor but bear with me. Love is like a rose, and when you lose someone it's like it gets yanked up from the roots. It's never going to be the same rose you fell in love with, and now it's more than likely it'll just die. There's always that chance that it will bloom again and be exactly the same as it was before. But... It's probably not likely.

So yeah, she probably sucks now.

limber cloud
old raptor
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Today I just couldn’t with school

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There’s this annoying kid I work with in the greenhouse

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I do the labels and label the plants and honestly there’s this guy who keeps annoying me like

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Piss off im tryna do my job

old raptor
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sometimes i wish I could move away from the us to somewhere else

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I don’t like living in the us anymore

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Honestly

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Stuff is too high

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Trashy politicians

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High taxes and high groceries

old raptor
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I left my friends lobby on Fortnite because I don’t know what to say or how to tell her

limber cloud
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Tell her what?

old raptor
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Like

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Her friends were just being annoying

limber cloud
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Ahh

old raptor
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My mom called me annoying for asking too many questions

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I have to go to ikea with her but I don’t wanna too cause it’s too far

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And since one of my favorite restaurants is near there we decided to go

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I just hope it’s a quick in and out thing

old raptor
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Okay so been a few days since I last wrote here

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Monday I got perved on in the bathroom

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I was doing my business using the urinal and this weird mf perv ran his hand down my shoulder like

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Dude that’s so weird and it’s uncomfortable asf

limber cloud
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bro ong i had a similar thing happen last year

old raptor
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School has been a stressful week. It really has been. Dealing with all the assignments trying to catch up and barely seeing some of my friends at lunch and it honestly sucks.
I’ve been dealing with shitty people the last few days who just keep getting in my way and I wish they could just back off. I got yelled at by my mom for not doing the dishes just now and honestly I might just cry because I can’t even ask for help since the dean of students is away on leave right now and my counselor is busy.

limber cloud
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Rip

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(I have F’s and D’s in school)

old raptor
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Everytime I feel like im doing better

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Somebody or something always has to turn me down

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I feel like I’m climbing up a mountain of success

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And an avalanche happens

limber cloud
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i feel like thats normal in school no?

old raptor
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I guess

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I don’t know

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It’s stupid and I hate it

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I just hate having to go through it

limber cloud
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Yup

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School systems are corrupt

old raptor
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But then people at my school tell me: “oh you can’t control other people”

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I just wanna isolate myself in my room and just stay away until I’m ready to go back

limber cloud
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Same

old raptor
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Make mental health days available for students

limber cloud
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REAL

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Idk if your school does this but sometimes they let you go for a walk

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And like take a break yk

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If your school has it i might suggest that?

old raptor
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Depends on the teacher

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Some of my teachers let me do that

old raptor
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I'm such an idiot

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There's this one girl that's nice and I find her pretty cute

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I asked her one day if we could do matching hello kitty pajamas

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And I feel so stupid for askinf

limber cloud
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well it was worth a shoot no?

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Shot*

limber cloud
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Still sry that happened tho

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Def not a good feeling

old raptor
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I feel so ugly

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I’ve never had my first kiss

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I’ve never had a girlfriend

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It sucks

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I feel so ugly

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All my friends have had their first kisses or are in relationships

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And they have love

median geyser
median geyser
median geyser
old raptor
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I wish I could be better looking like the other guys at my school

old raptor
median geyser
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Yeah

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I also have similar experiences with girls

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I got publicly accused of being a creep even though I didn’t say anything wrong

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And now it’s all around my school

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Now I’m devoted to helping people with similar experiences to me so I’m here for you, man

limber cloud
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Fr

old raptor
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I wish I could look better

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I just wish I could be better

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I’ve never had my first kiss or had a girlfriend

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Or been on a first date

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No girl has ever liked me

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And I have a feeling

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It’s gonna be like that for a while

limber cloud
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well

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imma tell u here looksmaxxing doesnt work lol

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Try working out?

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thats a start

old raptor
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I honestly need to just go off on my thoughts en

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I can’t stand any mfs at school

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I can’t go to the bathroom safely

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I can’t even talk to a girl without some idiot screaming” “W rizz!”

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Last week I talked to this one girl who’s an exchange student from Germany

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3 guys started screaming W rizz and she looked at me fucking horrified

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Like oh my god stop doing this shit

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It’s not funny and it’s not cool

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Now my name is all over the fucking because of their bullshit

limber cloud
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the dimb part

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That was my cousin 😭😭

old raptor
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Like I swear

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I hate that I can’t even talk to a friend who’s a girl anymore

limber cloud
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FR

old raptor
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Then there’s the anti white kids at my school

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There’s kids at my school that don’t like white people

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Racist. But okay.

limber cloud
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Dawg what

old raptor
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There’s kids that hate white people at my school

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Like they’re anti white

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It’s not my fault that I’m white

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I can’t stand public school anymore

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It’s so bad

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I feel unsafe there everyday

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When I use the bathroom I have to make sure nobody is behind me doing some shit

limber cloud
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i just hold it till home

old raptor
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I can’t fan

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I gotta drink water at times

limber cloud
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Lol ig yea

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(I dont and its probably not healthy)

old raptor
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I genuinely fucked up

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I thought this one girl was really pretty and I tried talking to her

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And she unadded me

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I’m for sure better off alone because wtf am I even doing

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I’m short asf and I’ve never met a girl who likes short guys and im ugly asf

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I always with this shit

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I always move in too fast

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I’m such a fucking idiot oh my god

median geyser
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literally

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i played my move way too quick for this pretty girl

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and she called me out for being desperate

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now i just dont chase girls at all

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im better off without them

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this incident with that pretty girl happened a month ago

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if you wanna get a girl someday, trust me, it will come naturally

limber cloud
old raptor
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Why in the literal hell do people leave me all the time

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I swear to God it's so annoying

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I get along well with somebody, we become friends and hangout and then the unadd me or block me

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I'm losing my shit over here

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My school is a bitch

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I've been busting my ass working hard and honestly I just wanna end this week and stay inside and play fortnite

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That's the only thing I wanna do

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I can't stand my mom or my sister

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They keep complaining about shit

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My sister has a boyfriend and she's always flexing her relationship

old raptor
#

I need a damn break from school I swear

#

I hate it. I just hate it

#

I barley have any of my friends in my classes

#

Some of them have 2nd lunch

#

And I have 1st

#

I hate my math class because I don’t got any friends in that class

old raptor
#

I swear to god I’m so pissed off rn

#

This dude fucking reported me on accident instead of some other asshole who scammed him

#

So now my account may be banned for a false report

#

<@&993332385670246420>

#

Need help or advice

old raptor
#

Life is hard seriously

#

My mood be so shit lately

#

Today I played video games for 10 hours because I’ve had a long week

old raptor
#

Guys

#

I feel like such an asshole rn

#

I swear to god I can’t save anybody

#

I’m not a hero at all I can’t save anybody or help anybody

#

My ex lover I saved her from teen parties and from ||underage drinking|| and ||sex||

#

And how did she repay me? She left. Broke my heart and just left

#

I have a friend who’s 13 and her cousin made her take 2 sips of alcohol

#

Her cousin is a piece of shit

#

He always has ||sex|| with different women and is always smoking weed and just being an asshole in general

#

I honestly hate the dude he honestly sucks

#

But I’ve never told my friend my real thoughts because I feel like she’d take offense

#

People really don’t appreciate my help and shit

#

I try and be a good person and try and help

#

Yeah I may have a short fuse but I just wish some people would thank me for my help

#

People honestly suck

#

Like godamnit

#

And then there’s my other friend which I was an asshole to

#

They’re going through a lot and I just dumped all my shit on them

#

I wanna make it up to them and apologize but i don’t know how

old raptor
#

Her family members have lots of bad habits and have made bad choices

#

Like I try my best to support but I feel like I’m hopeless and helpless to people

#

I can never say it to her face

limber cloud
old raptor
#

Can my parents and family just sometimes leave me alone

#

Godamn im tryna play a video game and everybody is always kicking me tf off

#

Kick me off this time kick me off that time

limber cloud
#

dangg

old raptor
#

Why do people vape?

#

It’s so stupid

jaunty junco
#

u haven’t tried it

old raptor
old raptor
#

I genuinely have no idea what the hell I’m doing anymore

#

I feel like I’m working hard and my teachers never see that I’m trying my best

#

It really sucks

#

“Just try your best” is one of the most biggest lies in all of school

#

No matter what when you try your best you’ll still get a bad grade

jaunty junco
old raptor
#

They’re fuckin everywhere

jaunty junco
jaunty junco
old raptor
#

Idk or maybe I’m just being an opinionated piece of shit

limber cloud
#

And dumb

#

Ngl even i am but

#

So no your not opinionated

jaunty junco
jaunty junco
jaunty junco
#

not that deep tho is it

#

let people do what they want

jaunty junco
old raptor
old raptor
# jaunty junco how

Imagine sucking on an electric battery with chemicals that you don’t even know what’s in it

#

It’s not like tobacco. Tobacco has been around for a while and we know the side effects of tobacco

#

But we don’t know what’s inside of a vape

jaunty junco
#

u can look it up

#

long term effects not known but it’s safer

#

and ppl only die cause they have some health problem or got shitty devices

jaunty junco
limber cloud
#

still not good smoke anything but yes tobacco is healthier

old raptor
tulip forum
#

Dont do any of it

#

be sober

#

like big man

old raptor
tulip forum
old raptor
#

It’s true

jaunty junco
jaunty junco
old raptor
#

Literally none of them are healthy

jaunty junco
#

yh but vaping is safer

limber cloud
#

Hellll nah

velvet widget
old raptor
#

But it’s like why

#

Isn’t their awareness

velvet widget
#

Yeah but a lot of the time people start and they think "if I want to stop I'll just stop" and then they want to stop but they can't bc they get addicted

#

And some people use it to cope

old raptor
#

That’s true

old raptor
#

Is anybody else tired of school or what?

#

I got too much work and shit going on bruh

limber cloud
#

I havent been in 2 weeks

#

Other then monday i went then tuesday i skipped again

#

Today imma go prolly

#

But yea school sucks

old raptor
#

It really does

limber cloud
#

Ye man

#

And all my teachers hate me for no apparent reason

old raptor
#

I genuinely hate how my friend is perved on

#

This is the 2nd time and I hate it

old raptor
#

Honestly school has been pissing me off lately

#

I hate waking up doing this shit

#

I’ve been doing high school for 4 years now and it sucks

limber cloud
#

Same

#

Thats why i dont go half the time 💀

old raptor
#

I don’t know what the hell im doing

#

I’ve barley eaten anything today

#

I just ate 2 slices of pizza and a sandwich

#

I just need to go eat more

#

But honestly I can’t with school anymore as well

#

I have major trust issues with people and barley talk to them

limber cloud
#

ye same

#

I havent talked to any1 lately lol

#

Cuz baloni went to arizona

old raptor
#

I’m so annoyed dn

#

Spring break is coming up and I’m working way too much

#

I’ve stayed up till 11 something working on stuff

#

There’s too much I need to do

#

My school also sucks as well

#

I’m trying to catch up on all this school work so I can buy new video games since I wanna buy 2 video games and I have to get my grades up before I buy em

#

I hate school so much

#

I have to do this math work that I suck at and I’m forced to do it

#

Godamn it’s so stupid and so annoying

#

And then there’s this guy that I can’t stand at school

#

He’s a negative asshole and is unfunny

old raptor
#

Okay a new update

#

I’ve been sick at home for the past 2 days

#

And honestly it really sucks. My throat is so sore

#

Today was really bad. I woke up this morning with the worst sore throat and then took medicine and watched a movie I then went to go itch my nose and I got a nose bleed and then after that I watched another movie trying to work on my school project but can’t focus on it

#

My mom says I have to finish my school project so I can buy these video games I want and I’m trying to work on this project but it sucks

#

Honestly I just wanna get better and buy my video games

#

Then there’s also school so much people hate me there

#

I try and be friendly and people hate me for no reason like what in the hell did I do?

#

When I go to my counselors office during lunch to talk to her about life there’s this one negative kid in the corner who always tries telling me what to do

#

He always tries to tell me what to do in there

#

I just wish he would quit bitching about shit and quit bitching about how he hates his life when he’s a horrible person to other people

#

I’ve been taking too much medicine for my throat

#

And I sorta hate it tbh

#

It’s just like my math class as well

#

I don’t like my math class

#

First week in there my thumb was sprained by a girl

#

And then there’s also the plant bio kid

old raptor
#

Okay so with my sore throat

#

I drank some tea and put some honey in it

#

It actually worked a bit but my throat isn’t 100% healed yet

limber cloud
#

Dang

#

My mouth hurts cuz i ate to many sour skittles 😭

#

Hows the thumb btw?

old raptor
limber cloud
#

W

old raptor
#

Okay so I gotta let my thoughts off rn

#

Anybody else not like hanging out with their dad or is it just me?

#

Everytime when we hangout he always tells a joke that’s unfunny or a joke he’s told so many times that it’s old and not even funny at all anymore

#

I have to go to a baseball game with him on Tuesday because I said I would

#

And when I don’t wanna go then he asks a bunch of questions like: “why!?”

#

But fuck it

#

I might just go

#

I’ve been sick the past couple of days

#

I don’t wanna do shit this spring break

#

I just wanna eat ice cream, watch movies and buy some new video games and okay them

#

And then there’s the pick up lines

#

My Best friend said that this other dudes pick up lines were better then mine

#

Well shit I can never do pick up lines and ngl they seem so bad nowadays

#

I’ll stick to being funny

#

I hate being sick I just hate it. Now I don’t know if I have a fuckin virus or what but all I know is it’s getting hella annoying

#

I’ve drank like 5 cups of tea in the past few days

#

And have taken a bunch of lozenges and taken Tylenol

#

So I don’t even know what to do anymore

#

I’m just gonna work on my school project so I can buy mh games

limber cloud
#

Matt what does tea taste like

#

Ive bever had it

#

Never*

old raptor
#

There’s different types of flavors for tea

#

So it’s basically hot water with flavor

limber cloud
#

Oh

#

That sound weird

old raptor
#

Sorta is

#

But it’s good

limber cloud
#

Hmm

old raptor
#

Okay bloody nose rant

#

I got a bloody nose when I was laying in bed and when I was pinching and trying to stop the bleeding I went to my mom to ask for help to stop the bleeding

#

And my mom is always like: “it’s okay to ask for help” so why didn’t you fuckin help me then?

#

I was trying to stop the bleeding and I went to my mom to ask for help and she pulled the “you’re 16 you should know this by now card”

#

I’m your son! Help me please!

#

"She’s always like it’s okay to ask for help" or "you should ask for help" so then why didn’t you help me!?

#

I stopped the bleeding on my own eventually and this is why I don’t ask for help because I get judged or they refuse to help

old raptor
#

Time to go to my shitty dentist appointment

#

So I had a bloody nose and had to go to the doctors this morning

#

My moms been pissing me off seriously so has my sister

limber cloud
#

Dang

#

Rip bro

old raptor
#

Im back

#

Okay it was okay ig

old raptor
#

Sometimes I feel like my mom no longer loves me

#

Ever since the divorce talks happened in 2022 she’s changed

#

Both of them have

old raptor
#

She says I’m rude because she was explaining her crocheting to me and I kept ignoring her and I wasn’t paying attention. I was ignoring her because I’m mad about the nose

#

She said I was being rude and then we had sorta an argument

#

My mom is a 2nd grade teacher

#

Our convo:

Mom: “I’m a teacher we teach kids let them do something they know how to do”
I am your son. Not your student
That’s a stupid rule

#

Just help out the kid

#

She then said kids in 1st grade are learning how to stop nose bleeds

#

I never was taught that at all

old raptor
#

Why am I so cranky?

old raptor
#

I woke up this morning and got a ||bloody|| nose after trying to blow it and got a drop of ||blood||

limber cloud
#

Shes also a teacher

#

I get some of your situation bro

#

I feel bad

#

I gtg but

#

Have a good day matt!

#

Here for u bro

#

Support from Canada

limber hornet
limber cloud
#

Hes got a problem with his nose rn i think

old raptor
#

I’m back

old raptor
limber cloud
#

Hi matt

#

Hope ur feeling better

old raptor
limber cloud
#

Yeah 😭

#

Worst part of canada aswell

#

Toronto 🙄👎

limber cloud
old raptor
limber cloud
#

Sadly not

old raptor
#

But yes I had sorta good day today

#

I went to my fav place in the city the waterfront and walked like 3 or 4 miles

#

I went to the store and got my favorite frozen pizza that you heat up

#

And I got some gummy bears

limber cloud
#

Nice

#

I havent gad gummy bears in ages

limber cloud
old raptor
#

Can I stop coughing for 3 fucking seconds I swear

#

This shit is annoying tf outta me

old raptor
#

I hate this stupid cough and I hate my headache

#

There’s something generally wrong with me

#

Everyday I wake up with a headache

#

I don’t think I ever talked about this but

#

I got Motrin(pain medicine) and my mom returned it

#

We already have 3 bottles of Tylenol (another pain medicine) and she’s now worried I might get addicted to pain medicine

#

I keep coughing so much that I almost wheeze

#

The good news is rn is that my mom is making a tea for me rn

#

For my throat

old raptor
#

Well

#

I gotta talk about some stuff

#

I honestly have no idea how to feel or what to do

#

This week is the anniversary of my parents divorce separation. And honestly I never have really opened up about this but I really really really fucking hate spring break

#

Instead of spring break I call it hell week

#

Something bad always happens

#

2022 dishwasher broke and leaked water everywhere that we had to turn in these big fans for 5 days and had to have the floors replaced

#

2023 was the announcement that they would be separating

#

Honestly I never told anyone this but for the past few months before spring break I was formulating a plan to have a good spring break

#

And a spring break that wouldn’t end up like last year

#

That night… was just horrible

#

To the people who read this: there will be a lot of back stories so I’ll explain the best I can

#

That night on spring break was horrible

#

My dad announced that they would be getting divorced while my mom was at my grandparents house telling them that they will be getting divorced

#

My grandma then flipped her shit and told my mom she should sue my dad and my grandma hated him. And she still hates him for divorcing mom

#

She has not seen him in about a year now

#

Later that night I had to help my dad move his mattress down to the hangout room because he wanted to give my mom some space when she was crying the whole night

#

My dad kept bothering me trying to get my mind off the divorce and kept asking what video game I was playing

#

He then had to move some of my legos to put the mattress down

#

I then got upset at my dad for moving the legos and he said he needed too

#

And so then I brought this moonlight I had. It was this light that was shaped in the moon and lit up like the moon you could change the colors with a remote. So I then yelled at my dad and told him I had faith in my mom and dad going to marriage counseling to try and fix their marriage and I let my emotions get to me and I threw the moonlight near him and it smashed.

#

So then after that I told my dad: "I should’ve ||killed|| myself" and then he shouted silently: "Matthew!" And said "how would you feel if your mom found out you said that?" And then I went to talk with my sister and then me and my dad argued a bit and I finally broke down and cried

#

So after that my mom cried because we all went to her room

#

And so I pushed my dad a bit and this has turned into scene of rdr2

#

Where in the video game rdr2 Dutch says: "which one amongst you is with me? Or which one of you is betraying me?"

#

And then my my sister said I had to keep it down because she said that in health class they learned that the police can come and pick somebody up and they have to get taken away

#

And I really didn’t need the neighbors calling the police on me at midnight

#

So I hugged my dad later that night after that we went on a walk to the waterfront (my favorite/calm place)

#

So we went there and when we’re heading back to the car after our long walk. My dad breaks down crying saying he is worried that me and my sister hate him for what he’s done and that he would literally live under a bridge for us and try and make us happy. That’s how much he means to us

#

He always hugs me and my sister and tells us he loves us and says that we are the most important thing in the world

#

It just still hurts

#

Especially the week and the anniversary of it

#

They’ve both changed and it honestly hurts

#

Not for the good or the bad. They’ve just changed into different people

#

I feel just not good about my sickness as well

#

I went to the doctors yesterday and they said It could be a virus since I keep coughing

#

And my left eye is now red which is sorta fucked

limber cloud
#

Damn bro

#

I cant talk in long messages so sry abt that

#

But sry bro that sucks about those things

#

Divorces are the worst ☹️

old raptor
#

They really are

limber cloud
#

Yeahh

old raptor
#

I feel like such an asshole

#

About a month ago I made something all about myself cause I was worried

#

I had a friend going through something and I feel so bad about how I treated them

#

I feel like they don’t forgive me and I haven’t talked to them in a while

old raptor
#

I don’t know how to open up on this

#

But I feel disturbed

#

I have a friend who

#

Their cousin did something so horrible to them

#

Just horrible

#

I don’t know how to feel about what he did

#

And what I find disturbing if she’s just so calm about it when this type of thing can lead to trauma

#

Just my god

#

Sometimes I wish I could just be everywhere

#

And I could save people

old raptor
#

Okay so then there’s my sister

#

She’s just pissing me off

limber cloud
#

Yo uh matt

#

Ik this isnt the place

#

But where tf did baloni go

old raptor
limber cloud
#

Ik we were still texting tho

#

Her phone js died tho mb

old raptor
#

After midnight thoughts:

#

I feel a bit better then last night

#

I just honestly how do I say this?

#

I hate my best friends cousin

old raptor
#

He’s a horrible influence on her

#

All he does is smoke weed and get high and bang chicks

#

He isn’t a good person

old raptor
#

And I don’t like the way he acts around her I really don’t

#

Okay I think I need to go to a hospital because

#

Something is most definitely wrong with me

#

I keep coughing so much

#

So much that I cough too hard I wheeze

#

My left eye was bloodshot red a couple of days ago

#

But it’s not red anymore just

#

White sorta just a couple more red lines

#

My stomach hurts sometimes as well

#

I don’t know what to do at this point

limber cloud
#

Go to hospital

old raptor
#

He tries to get her high when she is underage and he is 18

#

I feel bad about her on a lot of stuff

#

Her family members haven’t made exactly the best of choices and honestly she doesn’t deserve any of that

#

He is a sweet and kind and loving and kind girl

#

I sometimes hate this world and the people in it

#

I just feel like one day he’ll end up high and he’ll do something stupid that will get them into trouble with the law or something else

#

I feel so bad for lying to her generally

#

I wish I could be honest with her

#

And tell her how I worry and truly feel

#

Her moms boyfriend is a bad person

#

Her mom is rude

#

Her cousin is a degenerate

old raptor
#

Okay so

#

I went to dinner with my dad and it was sorta emotional

limber cloud
#

Oh?

#

Do you wanna explain a bit more if you comfortable with that?

#

Im intrested

old raptor
#

And my dad has been sad about it

limber cloud
#

Aww im sorry bro

old raptor
#

Okay honestly I need to go off on a rant

#

Why the fuck does nobody wanna be my friend?

#

I swear I god I text somebody and I reach out and I be funny and tell jokes

#

And all of a sudden they block me!

limber cloud
#

I wanna be ur friend

old raptor
limber cloud
#

Yeah

#

We just never talked rly

#

So i stopped

old raptor
#

I should’ve reached out

#

I’ll try and reach out to you more

limber cloud
#

Hooray

#

Im pretty dumb tho

#

If thats okay

#

Baloni would agree

old raptor
#

But sometimes when I put myself down

limber cloud
old raptor
#

I remember. There’s way more dumber people out there

limber cloud
#

Lol

#

True true

old raptor
#

If you ever think your stupid

#

Just remember this kid at my school said water doesn’t put out the fire all the way💀

limber cloud
#

lol

#

Mkk

limber cloud
#

Lol

#

Wait matt

#

Ur in america correct?

#

Idk what they called

#

What side u on tho

old raptor
limber cloud
#

So like

#

Caigorniav

#

California?

old raptor
#

Washington

limber cloud
#

Oh

#

cool

#

Isnt that where the president lives

#

Or smthn

old raptor
limber cloud
#

Oh

#

(Idk the difference )

old raptor
#

Here I’ll teach you geography later

#

But this shit is a bitch tho

bold raptor
old raptor
#

Everybody always leaves me or always falls outta contact with me

limber cloud
#

Yay

limber cloud
old raptor
#

And I have a feeling I’ll lose everybody I love and like one

limber cloud
#

Bad timing

old raptor
limber cloud
#

Lol idk 😭

#

Ig cheezie is my name now lol

old raptor
#

But shit is a bitch

#

I have a feeling I’ll lose everybody

#

I can’t even forget college next year!

#

Next year I am fucked

#

I’ll be outta high school heading to college

#

Depends on if they even let me in (probably not)

#

And then I won’t have any help with assignments

limber cloud
#

Id say something wise and positive

#

But i cant think of anything rn

#

Or ever

old raptor
#

I’d like to vent alone

#

Sorry but can you come back at another time?

limber cloud
#

Yea

#

Bye

old raptor
#

Just I feel generally

#

As if I’m gonna be alone and I’ll lose everybody

#

Everybody wants to leave me

#

My life goes so horrible with people

#

They either leave

#

Betray me

#

We have different opinions

#

Or they die

old raptor
#

How can I be so ugly and how come the fuck no girl loves me?

#

And some of the women i meet are just weird I swear to God

#

Okay so for a bit I've had a crush on this Cuban girl

#

And she's talking to a guy and wants to have intimacy with him and wants to still talk with me

#

Bur she wants to get sexual with meb

#

Jesus christ! Where has our world gone!?

#

I swear to God there is not a single female on this planet that thinks I'm loving and handsome

#

She used to be so caring but now she so daring

#

Heh fire line🔥🔥

#

Then

#

There's the girl from Sweden

#

We met because we both share the same name and things were going well until I think I made her uncomfortable

#

I get it I'm ugly

#

I was just being kind and respectful and she took it I guess wrong

old raptor
#

She then told me she had a history of guys acting weird around her

jaunty junco
old raptor
#

I always fumble

#

Maybe I’m just not funny

jaunty junco
#

dont worry to much about it

#

you have enough time to meet the one

old raptor
#

And then there’s my ugly looks

#

I wish I could get better

#

I just wanna look better and get better looks

viral quarry
# old raptor And then I won’t have any help with assignments

I haven't finished reading the journal so if this was addressed later my b. i was terrified for uni as well, but its my second year now and honestly im thriving. i don't mean that in a braggy way, but every professor I've had has been so willing to help, and you can find study groups as well. I personally felt its way easier to make friends in uni, there's so many people, and by now most people are themselves, instead of just being trendy and whatnot, they actually tend to express themselves both esthetically and personally wise. ive actually been loving school, but that's also because im studying something i love. Even with having mental issues and whatnot, I've never felt demotivated about uni, though I did in hs, and my professors understand this, I've told them about a couple of my problems and they truly try to help, whether it means giving an extension on smth if ive struggled a lot at that time and whatnot. So don't worry about it 🫶

#

Of corse this is different for everyone, but this is just my experience

old raptor
#

It’s just I have adhd and I’m just thinking I won’t be able to get stuff done in college

viral quarry
#

And I started uni with a fucked mental state, I was fresh out of an awful relationship and having nearly daily episodes of psychosis while being severely depressed, and I can really only say school has helped me through some of that

viral quarry
#

And for the relationship stuff, take a break from it! You don't need to be dating anyone right now, you've got your whole life to find someone. Focus on yourself, have fun!

old raptor
#

Can I give you a hug?

viral quarry
#

Okay

old raptor
#

🫂🫂

old raptor
#

I feel so bad

#

I treat people so horribly and I hate it

old raptor
#

I told my friend she sounded like a man as a joke

#

And I never knew she was insecure about her voice

old raptor
#

I haven’t talked to her in a few hours now

#

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad influence on her

#

And I’m older which idk I try and be the best role model I can be

old raptor
#

What a shitty day today

#

My mom now says I stink after I took a shower

#

Says my sister

#

She stinks all the time

#

Either I’m just being a negative opinionated fuck

#

Or maybe I’m just growing to not like a lot of people

#

What they do is just get me so pissed off

#

I return to school on Monday and I’m not looking for it at all

#

I have a failing grade in a class

#

And I suck at plant bio

#

Hate the kids in my English class as well

#

This one girl gets mad at me for sitting at this seat that she claims is hers when she’s always 15 minutes late to class

#

She acts like she’s from the hood

#

Hate when people do that shit

#

Imagine being proud of coming from the hood

#

Then there’s weird kid. This guy is a weirdo

#

Honestly I don’t trust his guy for shit

#

Last year there was his discord messages

#

TW: ||SA|| he talked about how he wanted to ||🍇|| his friends

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Everybody forgot

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But I haven’t

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So time to stay the fuck away from him. Yeah hell no

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The dean of students wanted me to talk with my counselor at lunch

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Yeah sorry no can do because there’s a rude guy in there

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Then there’s my stuff

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I need to really get on top of my shit

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I turn 17 in 2 months and I haven’t even learned how to drive yet

old raptor
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I swear to god I am such an idiot

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I think I ruined my friendship with my friend

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I should have never told her she sounded like a man

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It was just a joke and I didn’t mean no harm

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But ofc my stupid brain fucked up

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That’s all my bitch ass does

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Is just fuck up

limber cloud
old raptor
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Why does my mom get mad at me for being on do not disturb on my phone?

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I swear she always gets mad when she has to ask me stuff

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Or she always yells at me up the stairs or down the stairs to tell me to look at my phone

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She got mad at me for not looking at my phone when im playing the game

old raptor
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Why do I have such anger issues

limber cloud
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Same here 😭

old raptor
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Like I hate having a short fuse

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I really do tbh

old raptor
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Woke up this morning and went to school

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I still feel sick but I went to the doctors last week and they said I have a virus I just need to drink lots of fluids

limber cloud
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I forgot school was today.. -_-

old raptor
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I just got a cough

limber cloud
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Ohh

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Well I hope you can get better soon

old raptor
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I hate high school

old raptor
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I need a break from this godforsaken place

old raptor
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Good fuckin lord

old raptor
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Okay so the girl who sprained my thumb is one of the most annoying people ever

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Today I went to school and things were going fine

old raptor
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I went to go talk to my friend outside like I always do

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And then this kid I remember from walking class comes up to me and starts acting weird

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He’s a total scumbag and the example of somebody you do not wanna be

old raptor
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Then there came math class. The girl who sprained my thumb was off the rails today

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She was being so loud

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She also pretended she was giving ||oral sex|| and imitated it

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She makes weird noses and snorts while she laughs

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When we were taking notes we had to stop everytime to wait for her because she kept slacking off

old raptor
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What also really got me mad was the fact they sprayed perfume everywhere like it was tear gas

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Honestly fuck people who mass spray cologne and perfume

limber cloud
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True true

old raptor
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Can’t stand that needy fuck in math class either

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As soon as we start class he always asks if he can use the bathroom or go get water

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Be fr dude

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Bring a water bottle

old raptor
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I fucked up

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Why? Ugh why am I doing this

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Why did I scroll up to messages with my former lover

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I thought I was over her but I guess not

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I'm just a lonely and no girl wants me fuck who's probably never gonna get married or have kids

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It's fuckin 12 am why the hell am I even still up

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Honestly lately I gotta open up about some stuff

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I don't think I can ever tell my opinions about stuff

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It's like when I went to dinner with my dad last week cause it was spring break and he got emotional cause it's been one whole year and he moved out

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What I say: "I'm sorry that you feel that way"
What I really wanna say that's in my head: "you literally wanted the divorce! You wanted to divorce mom for about a few years now and waited until we were older"

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It's like with my math teachers classroom as well

old raptor
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I hope when i get to school tomorrow shit will be chill and they're won't be anybody slacking off in my math class

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I honestly can never say what I wanna say

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Honestly I'm gonna work alone for now on in that class

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1000 MESSAGES OF ME YAPPING