Rant yap❗

[plain kindle]

Awww

[plain kindle]

I really have to stop trying to eat in the mornings, I threw up again

And I feel horrible again

[jovial wraith]

[plain kindle]

My parents are having another party, again. It’s a birthday this time, I don’t have to help so it’s okay ig. I just hope I’m not bothered or annoyed again.

I want to be left alone, I want my own time

Everyone just bothering me, it’s making me feel overwhelmed

I’m afraid I’m gonna snap and hurt someone on accident

Like I always do

Messing it all up

I feel like crying, relapsing, and doing messed up shit more often now

[jovial wraith]

baloni

[plain kindle]

??

[jovial wraith]

think about what my ganny said.

[plain kindle]

Oh

[jovial wraith]

think about this

[plain kindle]

I forgot, I’m sorry

[jovial wraith]

its okay

but i promise you.

you got this

you may be in utter shit right now but you can get out of this

[plain kindle]

Thank you Cloie 🫶

[jovial wraith]

you are welcome

because well... the greatest lie we tell ourselves is that we are truly alright. but its okay to not feel alright or even good.

its normal even!

[plain kindle]

Mhm

[jovial wraith]

so its okay. you can do this Baloni.

its okay to have mental scars. its okay to be damaged. there is a reason why people can say " im normal" but when really... no one is

so yeah. Baloni, no one is perfect or even remotely okay but thats okay. and that is what matters

[plain kindle]

Thanks Cloie 🩷

[jovial wraith]

of course

[plain kindle]

I feel so tired and drained again

I’m hungry but thinking about food rn makes me gag

I want to relapse or just kms atp

I feel terrible

I’m just gonna try to calm down

I want to cry

[jovial wraith]

[plain kindle]

I fell asleep

But I feel somewhat better, just a little bit though.

Never mind, I feel like shit lmfao

I’m gonna try to eat

Again

[jovial wraith]

go small. okay?

[plain kindle]

I just accidentally punched myself in the face trying to eat a pelon mini

🥲

[pearl rain]

Rip😭

Did it at least taste good😭😭😭

[plain kindle]

Yeah 😭

Was NOT worth the punch though man wtf ☹️

[pearl rain]

Damn lmfao😭

[jovial wraith]

WOOO! hey Baloni, my birthday is on a sunday and is in 23 days!

im gunna be 17!

[plain kindle]

17??! I’m so happy for you!! I’ll make sure to tell you happy birthday 🫶🩷

[plain kindle]

I have the worst headache, and I feel lightheaded and dizzy

[jovial wraith]

[jovial wraith]

yeah my birthday is on the 25th

[plain kindle]

Ooo

[jovial wraith]

so yeah. i know you will probably forget but i normally just go " MY BIRTHDAY IS HEREEEEEEE" when it happens

[plain kindle]

Pfff, I’ll try not to forget dww!

[plain kindle]

I told my mom about my headache and she assumed it was about the drink I had last night but it didn’t even have any alcohol?? If it did I would’ve noticed, plus it was a big cup and it’s not like someone spiked it.

She told me to eat something and then shower more later to calm down a bit, and if it didn’t go away she would give me some medicine

[jovial wraith]

hey at least she cares for you

[plain kindle]

Barely, pff

[jovial wraith]

are you saying you are being neglected?

[plain kindle]

I mean she did abuse me physically and emotionally, but now it’s just emotionally ig

[jovial wraith]

.........

[plain kindle]

Yup

Crazy

[jovial wraith]

ya know i think i became even more protective to you because of this

[plain kindle]

Pfff

I’m gonna go eat rn, I’ll be back more later Cloie

[jovial wraith]

okay

[plain kindle]

I’m back

I’m just laying down, my head still hurts like hell omg

[plain kindle]

Okay now that I’m looking back at it, the drink did taste off but I think it was from the sprite they added to it? I don’t think they would spike it, especially since everyone is adults.

I feel horrible though

My face feels hot and I feel like I’m spinning

It hurts so much

[lethal bobcat]

damn...

[plain kindle]

I feel so weak and tired

The headache isn’t going away

[lethal bobcat]

well

ik what has happened if i dont hear from you for a few days

[plain kindle]

What??

I just took some medicine and I’m just gonna try to calm down. My mom’s being annoying and keeps on bothering me and it’s just making it worse, I don’t want to argue with her rn either. I might call my step-brother/cousin to pick me up I’m just so tired of being here

I feel so overwhelmed and drained about everything, I feel like I’m gonna pass out as well

I’m just gonna go.

[lethal bobcat]

okay good

like

good that you took medicine

[plain kindle]

Ohh

[lethal bobcat]

sounded like a think that could make a person hospilised

(or smth)

[plain kindle]

Oh

[lethal bobcat]

trying to be calm is actually a really good way to react

id be shitting my pants ngl

[plain kindle]

It’s both lmfao

I can barely manage the pain so

[lethal bobcat]

has any of this happened before?

[plain kindle]

Not really

[lethal bobcat]

hmm

[plain kindle]

I’ve drank alcohol (not on purpose.) before and it’s never affected me, but mainly because it would only be a few sips

But also

I have no idea if there was actually alcohol

In the drink

[lethal bobcat]

hmm alcohol shouldnt effect anyone like this if im correct

like how much pain you are in

[plain kindle]

And the headache began yesterday while I was trying to fall asleep

[lethal bobcat]

mmhm

[plain kindle]

But got worse today?

I just think it had to do with the fact I was drinking soda late at night lmfao

[lethal bobcat]

uhhuh

may i ask, how old are you?

[plain kindle]

13

[lethal bobcat]

alr

i dont think alcohol would do that bad for a 13 year old

[plain kindle]

Yeah that’s what I’ve been thinking

[lethal bobcat]

unless its a high %

and i think you would have noticed if it would have been

[plain kindle]

Yeah, I would have

[lethal bobcat]

weird..

[plain kindle]

But also, it tasted off as well, but I don’t have any proof

So it could of just been how I was just drinking soda late at night lmfao and I got a bit sick from it

[lethal bobcat]

mhm

its hard to say that what has happened

[plain kindle]

Yeah

[lethal bobcat]

but i dont think it would have anything to do with alcohol

right now

[plain kindle]

I’m just gonna go try to relax or smt, I’ll be fine later for sure

[plain kindle]

Yup

[lethal bobcat]

also if there would have been a noticable amount of alcohol youd probably be drunk

[plain kindle]

Also true

[lethal bobcat]

hmmmm

[plain kindle]

So yeah I probably just got sick from soda LOL

[lethal bobcat]

never in my 10 minutes of being a doctor have i seen this weird of an sickness

like

[plain kindle]

True

[lethal bobcat]

the reason for it is confs

confusing*

[plain kindle]

Eh well I’ll just see what happens later

[lethal bobcat]

yeah

imma check smth out

i got some soda on me

and its 12 am

at night

[plain kindle]

Ah alright

You gonna try to prove it? 😭

Or figure it out

[lethal bobcat]

idk

[plain kindle]

Lol

[lethal bobcat]

just testing

[plain kindle]

Okayy, I’m gonna go now

[lethal bobcat]

okay

[plain kindle]

Hopefully you don’t get sick as well lmfao

[lethal bobcat]

yeah

bye

[plain kindle]

Byebye

[lethal bobcat]

speedy recovery!

[jovial wraith]

i went walking to get my ganny's smoked brisket to my nana and papa, i took my dog with me and by the end of it, i was limping like i sprained my ankle

[lethal bobcat]

im actually trying to find out what is happening

[jovial wraith]

... is it wrong to update my friend on what happened with me vanishing?

[lethal bobcat]

no ig

i think its fine

[jovial wraith]

i mean i am thankful you are trying to help Baloni. they honestly need all the support they can get

[lethal bobcat]

so, you know anything abt the case?

[jovial wraith]

eating disorder and SA and possible abuse

[lethal bobcat]

SA?

[jovial wraith]

search it up as i dont think this server allows me to say the full thing that means

[lethal bobcat]

only gives me some spanish sports webistes.

[jovial wraith]

no it means.....

[lethal bobcat]

dont have to tell fully

[jovial wraith]

assult...

in the sexual manner..

[lethal bobcat]

okay

understood

[jovial wraith]

i rather not go into detail as i dont want Baloni to deal with ptsd or anything

[lethal bobcat]

you dont have to

im just taking notes right now

yk when she started feeling sick?

[jovial wraith]

no not really

[lethal bobcat]

31st?

[jovial wraith]

look, when i found this journal i lurked a bit so i dont really know

[lethal bobcat]

hmm

i skipped over 300 texts

im now checking the most recent ones

i hope she gets help

[jovial wraith]

thats why i give suggestions.

like maybe they can help

[lethal bobcat]

you want me to possibly give you atleast viewer permission to my notes?

so you can look at them

[jovial wraith]

i mean sure

[lethal bobcat]

alr

nvm

link not allowed

[jovial wraith]

you can send it to my dms

[lethal bobcat]

alr

[plain kindle]

What’s going on??

[plain kindle]

Case?

[lethal bobcat]

i mean like

im just tryna find out tf happened to you

[plain kindle]

Lmfao

Like everything?? Or just what happened for me to get sick??

[lethal bobcat]

likewhat happened for you to become sick

[plain kindle]

Ohh

[lethal bobcat]

made a docs to take notes

[plain kindle]

Oh okay

[lethal bobcat]

ill give you access

[jovial wraith]

hey baloni!!!

[lethal bobcat]

some info might be wrong btw

[plain kindle]

Hii Cloie!

[plain kindle]

Is it okay if you can just send me screenshots? My device can bug up sometimes when using docs, and I don’t really feel comfortable

[lethal bobcat]

alr

[plain kindle]

Thank you!

Oh and I also feel better currently, which is good

My headache is almost fully gone I just feel a bit dizzy and lightheaded

[lethal bobcat]

alr so headache off the list ig

at some point

[plain kindle]

Mhm

[lethal bobcat]

imma dm them

bcs i cant send here for sm reason

[plain kindle]

Ah okayy

[jovial wraith]

heres what happened to me Baloni

[plain kindle]

Yeah it only allows me to send images pff

[plain kindle]

Ohh

Are you okay?? You were you limping

[jovial wraith]

yeah its just i wasnt used to walking to my nanas house

it was normally just a walk around the block

[plain kindle]

Ohhh

[jovial wraith]

yeah

just my body's way of saying " hey. this is too much!"

[plain kindle]

Oh, yeah I get you pff

[jovial wraith]

because i was gunna walk the normal path but i had to deliver the brisket

willow sure as hell was as happy as a puppy

fricking prancing and panting

[plain kindle]

Aww

[jovial wraith]

you should have seeing her sniffing everything. just " SO MANY NEW THINGS!!!!"

[lethal bobcat]

wish i had a dog

tbh

[jovial wraith]

uhhhh mine is a chihuahua

[lethal bobcat]

i had a german sheppard

bro tf

it feels like smth crawling under my skin rn

anyways

imma go sleep now

bye

[plain kindle]

Okayy, goodnight!!

[plain kindle]

And what??

That’s weird, but I hope you’re okay

[lethal bobcat]

idk just feels like it...

[plain kindle]

Ohh

[lethal bobcat]

theres a really small bump where its hurting rn

well

[plain kindle]

Maybe something bit you?

[lethal bobcat]

idk mby

[plain kindle]

Don’t try to scratch it as it could become irritated and be worse

[lethal bobcat]

like there isnt really anything that could have bit me where i live rn

[plain kindle]

Oh??

[lethal bobcat]

like 5 mosquitos left

in the whole country

anyways

imma go sleep now

so i can even wake up today

and not sleep over my alarm like last time

byee

[plain kindle]

Byee!

Goodnight

[jovial wraith]

hey baloni, sometimes i wish i could give you the food i was eating

like just share it

[plain kindle]

That’s nice Cloie

Whatcha eating?

[jovial wraith]

i am not eating anything but if i was i would share

[plain kindle]

Ohh

Aw, thank you

[jovial wraith]

because you fricking deserve to enjoy something!!

you deserve some JOY!

[plain kindle]

Pfff, thank you Cloie 🩷🫶

[jovial wraith]

im eating potato salad. i kind of wish you could eat it as well

[outer stratus]

Potato salad, what do you have in it?

Wait nvm I was thinking of salat Olivye

[plain kindle]

Ooo

[plain kindle]

My headache is gone, but I still feel really tired and lightheaded

I want to throw up as well

Oh and I forgot to say, my mom’s boyfriend came into my room in the morning for no reason looking for me, and hugged me. I felt uncomfortable as shit but there wasn’t much I could do, he left after and I just turned numb and eventually went back to bed

I still feel his arms around me lmao, I hate this feeling

[plain kindle]

I feel better, but horrible. My headache is gone and I have no more pain! But I feel like crying and feel hopeless

[jovial wraith]

baloni

if i could, i would give you a bear hug

[plain kindle]

Thank you Cloie

[jovial wraith]

i know a bear hug could make you feel much better

[plain kindle]

One of my friends are helping me feel a bit better, I’m just listening to them in a vc

[plain kindle]

The house is quiet and everyone else is asleep, it’s pitch black in the house and dark in my room. The thoughts are coming back and I’m afraid I might do something I’ll regret

I’ve planned the attempt since July 13th, I don’t know why I didn’t do it.

I don’t know why I still have everything ready for it, all hidden in my bag

I don’t feel okay

I don’t want to do this

I don’t trust myself to be alone

I need to distract myself

I feel lightheaded

My body feels heavy

My head feels like it’s spinning

It’s so hot

It’s hard to breathe

I’m on the floor now lmfao

Ah

I feel like shit

I feel to weak to get up

I’m panicking a bit

I still feel his arms around me

I feel tired now

My eyes feel heavy

I need to get up

I have to get up

Why do I feel so weak

My dog found me and began laying with me pff

I feel like crying

I feel horrible

I wasn’t able to get up

But I sat up

I feel horrible, my headache is coming back I think

I feel hot

I think I’m gonna pass out

I can’t get up

I feel to sick to get up

Do I need medical help? Why do I feel like this

The thoughts are worse

I’m hearing noises outside my door again

I feel afraid

[lethal bobcat]

hmmmm

[plain kindle]

I don’t want another ptsd episode

My dog is with me, I feel a bit comforted with her around

[lethal bobcat]

its hard to tell what your going through

[plain kindle]

Mhm

I’m trying to stay calm but it’s not helping much

I’m still on the floor, I feel weak to get up

I feel like throwing up

[lethal bobcat]

hmmmmm

i aint no medical expeert but i think that you should actually try to get help

[plain kindle]

I got up and went outside for a bit

[lethal bobcat]

alr

thats good

[plain kindle]

I felt better until my mom woke up and began bothering me

Which lead to me feeling worse and overwhelmed, then pulling my hair out to calm myself down

I still feel horrible, but there really isn’t much I can do

[lethal bobcat]

yea...

[plain kindle]

At least the night view was pretty outside

That’s something

[lethal bobcat]

well yea

doesnt do much tho

[plain kindle]

I’ll take what I can get lmao

[lethal bobcat]

yeah

its kinda bad right now

[plain kindle]

Mhm

[lethal bobcat]

do you have anyone from like family or smth to ask about the situation

[plain kindle]

No not currently

[lethal bobcat]

that nakes things a lot harder'

[plain kindle]

Mhm

[lethal bobcat]

you got anyone in general to ask for help?

[plain kindle]

Well, I have friends. But, I’m not comfortable on really laying all of this on them

[lethal bobcat]

hmmm i ubderstand

[plain kindle]

Yeah

I just rant/vent here for the most of it

[lethal bobcat]

remember to call officials if it worsenes

[plain kindle]

I know, thank you for the reminder

[lethal bobcat]

yeah'

it should always be better to contact relatives or someone first

[plain kindle]

I don’t have any relatives that I feel comfortable or trust opening up too, my whole family is just.. “not that good”?

But I am trying

[lethal bobcat]

okay

[plain kindle]

My mom might put me into therapy once her boyfriend leaves, so that could help

[lethal bobcat]

its good that your trying

[plain kindle]

Mhm, thank you!

[lethal bobcat]

yeah

imma go for a second

[plain kindle]

Okayy!

[lethal bobcat]

im back

[plain kindle]

Ah hiii

[lethal bobcat]

hello

[plain kindle]

I feel a bit better, but not much. And I have school tmr 😭

I just hope by tomorrow I’ll feel better

[lethal bobcat]

yeah

you can try to tell teachers that your'e sick

[plain kindle]

Maybe, but then if they send me home my moms gonna be pissed

I’ll just try to stall in the nurses office for as long as I can though

[lethal bobcat]

hmmm true

[plain kindle]

I feel dizzy and lightheaded again, I’m just gonna try to go to bed

[plain kindle]

I’m gonna go to bed now

I still feel horrible and I have no idea what’s going on with me lmao

The thoughts and urges were horrible today, I almost couldn’t control myself

But I didn’t do anything to harm myself which is good, along with the fact I just kept on pulling my hair to calm down

[pearl rain]

It’s ok to feel that way baloni, and I’m proud of u for not hurting urself

Sleep well🫶

[plain kindle]

Thank you 🩷 goodnight

[plain kindle]

OH and I might try to stall in the nurses tomorrow cause I honestly feel terrible 😭, But I’ll just see tomorrow

Okay anyways byebye

[jovial wraith]

hey Baloni, how are you

[plain kindle]

The same as yesterday, except I don’t feel as sick now

[jovial wraith]

well thats a good thing!

you are feeling better

[plain kindle]

They’re sending me home

My mom’s gonna be upset, shit

I should’ve just said I had a headache, why did I say I felt nauseous and dizzy. I’m so dumb.

Now my mom’s probably gonna yell at me

[lethal bobcat]

wish u luck

[plain kindle]

I got yelled at lmfao

There was no escaping that

I feel horrible

I still have a headache

I want to cry

kms

And cry lmfao

Cry x3

OMG 2*

Enough with the joking though, I feel like complete shit and all I want to do is just die atp

I wanted to starve today, but got sent home and my mom made me eat so I could take medicine

I kept scratching myself again in 2nd period, now there’s a bump that stings

And the one from last time hasn’t fully healed

I gained a bit of weight from how I’ve been eating normally again and it’s making me feel terrible, I just want to go back to starving myself I feel like shit

Oh my mom decided to quickly blame me for my headache and for them sending me home

[jovial wraith]

hey want a hug

[plain kindle]

Sure Cloie

[jovial wraith]

[plain kindle]

Thanks 🫶

[jovial wraith]

im eating a salad i wish i can share it with you

sweet. i got a heat rash

[plain kindle]

Oh no

[jovial wraith]

its because i had to turn off the ac

it was leaking water

[plain kindle]

Ohh

[jovial wraith]

and of course my body hated every single second without it on

[plain kindle]

Oh I’m sorry Cloie

[jovial wraith]

oh my god, my body is itchy again. i hate my body so much wtf

[plain kindle]

My mom made a doctors appointment? She’s already tried multiple times and they never do anything. Whats gonna change now?

[plain kindle]

My mom brought me food

I already ate, but I feel sick and gross

[jovial wraith]

oh no

[plain kindle]

I was supposed to nap again but I couldn’t

And now I feel way more dizzy and lightheaded

I feel horrible

[jovial wraith]

[plain kindle]

I feel like I’m dying

if I stand for even a few seconds my head starts to feel heavy and I either collapse or need to lay down again

I want to relapse so bad

Why is this happening to me

I feel like shit

I hate myself

Why didn’t I just stick to the plan

I’m starting to push everyone away, and for what? Because I’m suicidal and have been wanting to end it all again? I feel like a complete failure. I can barely help anyone, let alone I can’t even help myself.

||I should’ve attempted by cutting myself and bleeding out. I should’ve attempted by jumping off a highway bridge. I should’ve attempted by overdosing. So many times I’ve tried and planned, yet it never worked or I was too afraid. I was only afraid since I kept on overthinking if it didn’t work, what would happen? If bleeding out didn’t work, what would’ve happened? If jumping wouldn’t have worked, would I become paralyzed and live my life a bigger hell? If overdosing wouldn’t work would I just have to live with failing organs?||

I want to relapse, I need to. I don’t know what to do anymore

[plain kindle]

||maybe if I go deep enough, maybe if I’m sent to a hospital. Just maybe, I’ll be cared for. Just maybe I’ll be seen by everyone. Just maybe I’ll have the love I always wanted.||

[jovial wraith]

dont please

[plain kindle]

Thank you Cloie

[jovial wraith]

i hope these make you feel better

[plain kindle]

They do, thanks

[plain kindle]

I feel horribly on edge rn. My headache is coming back a bit, I feel more dizzy and lightheaded, and I feel like I’m about to just breakdown

I’m shaking a lot and I’m panicking a bit

It’s harder to breathe. I don’t feel okay

I can’t do this anymore, I’m not okay

Whats wrong with me? Why am I like this?

I hate myself so much

I just bring hurt to everyone around me

And now I’m just fully distancing myself from everyone

I’m just a horrible person

And nothing is gonna change that

I’m just like my parents

I’m going to ruin everything for my family

Just like how they did

Because I am a terrible person and I don’t deserve to live

Whats the point anymore honestly, I should’ve been dead a long time ago

I’m just ruining everyone else’s life with mine

No wonder why my mom abused me

I deserve it

Right?

Im just the biggest problem in the whole world! Maybe everything would’ve been better if my mom agreed to abort me right?

Maybe my mom would have had a better life

If I was never here

[lethal bobcat]

Nah

You dont deserve any of it

You deserve a good life

With lots of love

You just need to stay qlive for long enough

You will see better days

[lethal bobcat]

we love you

[pearl rain]

This is 100% true baloni

And we’ll tell u this as many times as u need

[plain kindle]

Thank you guys 🫶

[jovial wraith]

here. some stuff to wake up too

[lethal bobcat]

That last one is massive (:

So fat

[lethal bobcat]

Funi cats

[plain kindle]

Pfff 😭

[lethal bobcat]

bro ate well

[plain kindle]

Fr

Got the full course

Gm lmao

[lethal bobcat]

big chungus

but kitty

[plain kindle]

LOL

[lethal bobcat]

the "lil" kitty is still a cutie tho

gm btw

[lethal bobcat]

moths

damn those are cool

[jovial wraith]

also look at these

[lethal bobcat]

kittfy

[plain kindle]

I haven’t eaten anything yet, my friends got me ice cream and I feel sick from it lmao

Im not as lightheaded or dizzy anymore though

Oh last night my mom noticed my recent weight loss again, and asked me if I’ve been eating right because she suspected that was the cause of my headaches and dizziness

And also most likely is the cause, but I’ve been eating well the past couple of days?

And I haven’t been throwing up as much

I also got a nightmare-ish dream a few days ago. It was a dream of where ||I relapsed and was cutting myself in the bathroom, but I had a knife rather than a blade. I was doing it on my thigh until I went really deep, so deep the bone could be seen. I rushed up and ran to my mom who was in the kitchen and begged her to take me to the emergency room. She would question me why and I told her I would tell her after she took me, and I kept on begging and begging|| until I woke up cause I was horrified 😭

This isn’t the first time I got a dream like this

[plain kindle]

Oh I wore shorts today at school and I began to panic a bit so I started to scratch my leg to calm down. Little bit later it ended with me having to put a bandaid on my leg because I scratched off a bit of my skin

Not great 👎

[jovial wraith]

have cats

will make you feel better

[plain kindle]

Thank you Cloie

I’m eating soup rn yayay

It’s like the only thing I feel good enough to eat lmao

[jovial wraith]

i really wanna make soup honestly but uh i am only good at making noodles and rice

[plain kindle]

Pfff

It’s okay you can still learn

[plain kindle]

I feel a bit sick but I’m gonna try to not throw up

It was the only actual meal I ate today, I don’t want to mess it up again

I feel like shit so not throwing up would be better rn lmao

I feel like crying again but I’m probably just tired again, I’m gonna try to nap in a bit

[jovial wraith]

you deserve to not throw up stuff!

you deserve to eat happily and FRICKING ENJOY IT

enjoy that soup!!!!!!

[plain kindle]

Thank you Cloiee

[jovial wraith]

actually i could send you a link to my life journal. i feel like you would like to see how i actually am behind closed doors.

we are to that level of friendship.. right?

[plain kindle]

Sure Cloie! And yes we are on that level pff

[jovial wraith]

#1224894456239751301 here go

basically i just went: forget the dates. just ramble

is it okay if i send a friend request to you?

[plain kindle]

Yeah it’s okay! I don’t mind

[jovial wraith]

yay

[plain kindle]

My parents aren’t home again and I have no idea where they aree

Nvm I jinxed it they’re home now

[plain kindle]

I actually feel so uncomfortable and gross right now, I am wearing pj shorts. PAJAMA SHORTS, THAT ARENT SHORT. AND, my mom’s boyfriend still stares and looks at me up and down.

I’m staying in my room, I don’t want to go out anymore.

My chest feels heavy again and I’m shaking a lot, so I’m trying to calm down

Oh also, I forgot to add this too. Every once in a while he “reminds” me that I’m the most beautiful girl, and that I should never forget that. That might seem nice unless you view it from a pov that, that same man sexually assaulted you and hasn’t left even after 2 years of it happening. And you haven’t healed from the incident because he’s been there every single day since, and the cops didn’t do anything!

I feel so gross with myself and him

I AM A CHILD.

WHY ARE YOU STARING AT MY BODY?

WHY ARE YOU COMPLIMENTING IT AFTER THE SA INCIDENT?

I’m gonna go back to wearing baggy clothes I swear to god

I’m gonna hide every single part of myself

I can’t do this anymore

I can’t even feel comfortable in my own home

[plain kindle]

I want to relapse

Why didn’t I just kill myself sooner

I feel sick, my whole body feels unreal

I’m miserable

There’s not any hope for me really

I distract myself and it all goes back to the same thing

I don’t even feel happy speaking to my friends anymore

Or anyone

I try to express myself and reach out even a bit and I’m not even noticed

I’m nothing

I’m just another leaf everybody steps on and passes by

[pearl rain]

U are something

You’re u

And that’s what we all love about u

You’re your own person

Some people might overlook that

But there’s so many reasons for u to keep living

So please keep fighting baloni

I’m proud of u for always doing ur best🫶

[jovial wraith]

enjoy a kitty to start your day

[plain kindle]

I kept scratching myself again at school

It didn’t hurt me though, my skin didn’t peel off

I feel horrible again

[jovial wraith]

enjoy cuteness

[plain kindle]

Aww tyy

[plain kindle]

I don’t feel okay rn so I’m gonna clean my room as a distraction

I feel sick and like throwing up

[plain kindle]

My birthday is in a couple of days, and Idk why but I just don’t feel, alive? I’m not sure. It’s like, after the other years where I was suicidal but not as bad as right now, I didn’t believe I would even make it past age 12. I also tried to attempt at that age which ended up not working. And now, I’m just, in shock? To say the least. I don’t understand how I am still here.

It doesn’t make sense to me at all

I really don’t care much about my birthday, I feel like whenever people celebrate it it’s as if they’re forced too or don’t even want to be there

I always felt alone on my birthday.

After my last one, my dad put this little party up at my uncles. My birthday was mixed with 2 other relatives pff. He got angry because everyone was paying attention to my relatives birthdays and not mine, he then brought me home to my moms and gave me a cheesecake to eat there. My mom never really payed attention to me on my birthday, I had extra candles and did a small birthday cake for myself with the cheesecake with her. She just smiled and took a photo of me and then went on with her night. It was quiet, and felt sad. I always thought I annoyed her, especially on my birthday

[lethal bobcat]

damn..

not being cared about when its your birthday hits different

atleast underage

[plain kindle]

But now, this year it just feels different. The realization that I had known of nobody truly caring about me just, went away. Well obviously not all of it lmao, but some of it. A good amount for me to actually feel better. Back to what I said of how I felt alone and as if everyone was forced to be there; this year, for some reason I don’t even know why, I feel more loved. I don’t even know why or how, it’s not like anything changed. It always felt the same. Hell, I even feel like they’re forcing themselves to even say hi to me. And specifically on my birthday as well. So why? Why just now?

[plain kindle]

Yup

[grand breach]

Real

[jovial wraith]

[plain kindle]

I keep waking up an hour before my alarm 😭

What am I supposed to do at 5 am bruh

[pearl rain]

Bro this happens so much to me too😭

I Lowkey just save some hw for the morning

To pass time and sleep earlier

[plain kindle]

Lmao I might do that then, thanks 😭👍

[jovial wraith]

baloni. wanna see a cute cat and bird

[plain kindle]

I feel horrible again

My stomach hurts, I’m still a bit sick, I’m tired both mentally and physically, I want to cry, and I can’t take my mind off to relapse or harm myself in some way

I ate some soup, that’s probably the only thing I’m gonna eat today. I honestly feel like shit

[outer stratus]

@plain kindle

Have you ever played the hit battle Royale fortnite

[plain kindle]

😭??

[outer stratus]

It will make 🫵🏻you feel better

[plain kindle]

LMAO

[plain kindle]

My mom just told me tomorrow night she’s going out to party

Tomorrows my birthday

It’s fine ig though, I’m gonna be with my friends after all right?

It’s not like I wanted to try and spend the night with her hanging out on my birthday

lmao

[jovial wraith]

BALONI.

I AM GUNNA CELELBRATE YA BIRTHDAY TOMORROW WITH YOU! BECAUSE BIRTHDAYS ARE AWESOME

[plain kindle]

Thank you Cloiee pfff 🩷🫶

[jovial wraith]

i even end my birthday song with CHA CHA CHA ***BECAUSE ITS FUN ***

[plain kindle]

Pfff 😭🩷

[eager mauve]

😭

[jovial wraith]

CHA CHA CHA ADDS FUN!! AND I HAVE DONE THIS SINCE 1ST GRADE. IM IN 11TH GRADE

[jovial wraith]

i am clearly a child at heart

[plain kindle]

Mhm

[jovial wraith]

but thats what great!

never kill the childhood spirit!

[plain kindle]

I keep waking up in the middle of the night

[jovial wraith]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BALONI!

[potent talon]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOLANIII

[jovial wraith]

CHA CHA CHA! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU BALONI!

[plain kindle]

Thank youu!! 😭🩷🩷

[outer stratus]

Happy birthday

[keen canopy]

hi hi happy birthday baloni I've seen ur ranting and all and u don't deserve it nobody do. I hope ur life is now great and u succeed in everything. Im always here if u want to talk :))

[plain kindle]

Thank you so so much everyone!! 🩷🩷🫶

[rancid wyvern]

Ik u hate me but happy birthday

[plain kindle]

Feeling suicidal and depressed on your birthday is crazy
I had a panic attack and then an asthma attack like huh 😭

I feel horrible, I chugged a monster as well lmao

Now I’m lightheaded and dizzy from it

I just feel empty

Why now

Oh good thing, my parents aren’t leaving me alone on my birthday anymore! Why? Because I argued to them about it in front of my friends which I didn’t want to but they were being rude and hesitant about it, so now they’re staying even though they got pissed about it

[plain kindle]

Oh and I cried and felt worthless asf today as well so 🔥🔥

BUTTTT, I hanged out with my friends and they made me feel a bit better, one of them even noticing a bit and kept on checking if I was okay, love them 🩷. Today was better than most days 100%, and I had fun for the most of it.

I feel like shit rn tho

And my heart is beating super fast and my body feels heavy

[plain kindle]

I feel like I’m gonna pass out

[outer stratus]

Fortnite

[jovial wraith]

[plain kindle]

I’m sick again, but it’s way worse now

[plain kindle]

I feel horrible

My mom and her boyfriend are leaving me alone again

It’s more at night though so it’s fine ig

I want to cry again

The urge the relapse is worse than usual as well

I’m tired and drained, I felt like shit last night

I don’t even know why I bother to keep trying

[jovial wraith]

baloni

wanna see a really cool animal

[plain kindle]

Yes please

[plain kindle]

It’s getting harder to breathe

I’m shaking a lot

[jovial wraith]

maned wolf

[plain kindle]

Aw

[jovial wraith]

aka lanky fox wolf thing that mother nature decided to exist

[plain kindle]

I don’t feel okay

I’m panicking

My chest is getting tighter

My mom and her boyfriend are leaving now

I’m sick and still feel horrible

And she won’t let me stay home from school tomorrow

I think I know where she left the medicine, but I’m not sure

[plain kindle]

I was panicking again and started hitting myself to calm down again and now I’m probably gonna get bruises lmao

[plain kindle]

Agh the spot I was hitting went numb

[plain kindle]

I’ve been able to eat better without throwing up, like way better

[jovial wraith]

WOOOOOOOOOO!

[plain kindle]

I feel horrible

I’m really overwhelmed and it’s making me panic a bit

[plain kindle]

I feel so drained and tired

I don’t feel okay

I want to cry again

This is probably the last year I have with my only, true friend

He’s moving away after this school year

Meaning I won’t have anybody else

He’s honestly the only person I have really keeping me together right now, and if he leaves I don’t know what I would do

He probably knows me better than any of my friends

I’ll be alone again if he leaves

I’ll be worse again

He’s the only thing I have left

I don’t want them to leave

[jovial wraith]

[plain kindle]

I feel like absolute shit and want to starve myself, and relapse so bad

[jovial wraith]

baloni. want animal pictures

[plain kindle]

I have nobody. Nobody to talk to, nobody to even try to get help from. And when I do receive a chance I pass it because I feel to uncomfortable.

[plain kindle]

Sure

[plain kindle]

I hate being home, I hate being here

[plain kindle]

Aw

[plain kindle]

I want to leave. At least on a walk. I feel as if I stay I’ll harm myself

But I’m not allowed out alone anymore.

[jovial wraith]

ya know. i talked to someone in my church a while ago and we both agreed its okay to loose contact with family that hurts you

[plain kindle]

I threw up

[plain kindle]

I’m back home

Her boyfriend was smoking again, it smelt like shit lmao

[plain kindle]

I’m numb

[plain kindle]

I’m not eating tomorrow

I don’t feel okay again lmao

I went on a walk to the park with my mom and I was tempted to run away while she was distracted for almost 30 minutes lol

I didn’t have money or my phone on me though

I don’t want to go to school tomorrow

My mom keeps sending me even though I’m sick

Apparently it’s because I need to maintain my grades

She cares more about my grades than me being sick lmao

It’s fine

If something happens to me she’ll feel bad and repay me by giving me money or shopping

Even though I have no idea what’s wrong with me, and I’ve been sick for a month now

It’s wtver though, I’m managing it. I just need to take medication and it’ll go away eventually

Plus if something were to happen, at least my mom would care about me

My grades are dropping, I have a D+ in one class lmao. Maybe she’s right to keep on sending me even though I’m sick

Because she’s “always correct”!

I don’t want to go

I hate it

Nothing is becoming better

Everyone is gonna leave me, it’s all gonna go back to how it was before

Well, it’s not like anything changed. I’m still horrible pf

I keep having this thought, this reoccurring thought. ||Where when everyone leaves me, and forgets all about me, I could finally attempt again.|| I don’t know why I keep thinking that, and have been for the past month.

I’m tired

Just one more week

I need to keep doing this for another week, at least

I have to go before my mom yells at me

[plain kindle]

I feel weak

I can barely move my body

I told my mom and she got mad at me a bit and just told me she’ll give me medicine

[lethal bobcat]

Damn.

Please dont

(If talking abt ||suicide||)

[plain kindle]

I feel like shit

I don’t want to be home

My mom told me I could’ve stayed home since I’m sick but that would mean I would need to clean the whole house with her and I wouldn’t rest at all. So I just went to school again. and one of my teachers noticed that I sounded sick, but I just lied or else they would send me home

I haven’t ate and I chugged another monster

I can’t be seen with it so I quickly drank it

My moms boyfriend isn’t seem to be leaving

He hasn’t packed at all

Did they change their minds?

Even after they both agreed for him to leave

I want him gone

I hate him around

I hate being home because of him

I just want to be left alone

Oh and turns out my friend is leaving around Christmas

Meaning I’ll probably be alone for the rest of the year

I’ll have nobody

I’m probably going out again tonight

anything to get away from this shit hole

If I stay home I’ll probably end up harming myself

But if I leave I’ll have reoccurring urges to run away

I don’t have many options lmao

I’ll be with my mom hopefully so it’s fine

Not like she’ll do anything to help but

If she’s there she’ll yell at me back to reality pff

I feel like crying again

But if I cry I get yelled at

Great

I’m tired

I don’t want to eat today

I don’t have an appetite

I’ll just not take medication

I’ll be fine

[jovial wraith]

[plain kindle]

I hate myself so much

My body dysmorphia is terrible

I hate how I look

I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror

I keep pulling my hair out

I want to relapse so bad

Why am I like this

I hate it

I can’t stand myself

I should just starve again

My head hurts from pulling my hair

I don’t want to do this anymore

I can’t do this anymore

I’m genuinely so tired of everything

I barely talk to anybody anymore

I should just attempt again

The only person that truly cares about me and knows me the most is leaving

Everyone else is gonna leave me soon as well

I’ll then have nobody to even live for

It’s not like I have anybody now

So what’s the point

I should’ve followed the plan

I’m such an idiot

I’m afraid I might not be here after October

[plain kindle]

My mom told me I needed to eat something for my medication, she told me I had to take the medicine or else she would take me to the hospital

[jovial wraith]

baloni

you can do this

[plain kindle]

I threw up

My throat burns

[lethal bobcat]

AHHHH 😭

[plain kindle]

I feel like absolute shit this morning lmao

[jovial wraith]

want more cuteness. i will spam cuteness

[lethal bobcat]

Dag

[jovial wraith]

bird, i know its a bad picture BUT bird is THERE

here.

[lethal bobcat]

Brid

[jovial wraith]

the magic of having my window open i guess

[plain kindle]

I don’t feel okay again

[plain kindle]

I want to cry

[jovial wraith]

[ember island]

why whats wrong?

[plain kindle]

||I keep on having thoughts of murdering my moms boyfriend||

||And they haven’t recently started, I’ve been getting them for a while now||

I feel like shit

I want to cry

Relapse

And just end it all

I don’t want to hurt anyone

So it’s better to just hurt myself

I gained weight from eating normally

I hate myself

I hate my body

I hate everything about me

I shouldn’t even have to recover

I’m not skinny enough to recover

Nobody’s noticed or cared for me to recover

So what’s the point

If I look sick enough will they care?

Will anyone care

I eat normally, and then I start thinking about how long I used to go without eating

Maybe I should just starve again

[lethal bobcat]

damn... that sounds kinda psychopathic ngl

[outer stratus]

Nah

[eager mauve]

Don’t be an idiot

[lethal bobcat]

stfu

[jovial wraith]

Razzy, if you nothing good to say, then get out. we dont need your negaitive energy here

Baloni deserves joy, not your attitude

here Baloni, have cuteness

[plain kindle]

Thank you Clo 🫶

[jovial wraith]

you need it because Razzy is just a prick, dont listen to them

[eager mauve]

Wait you can cuss again?

[jovial wraith]

well i said prick not a cuss word

[plain kindle]

I’ll test that

Nope

[jovial wraith]

Look at Theo the lynx from this game I am playing

[plain kindle]

I’m tired

I don’t feel okay

There’s so much on my mind

I feel like shit

The main thing going on that’s on my mind, is attempting again

I genuinely don’t feel good, in both ways

I’m still sick, but it’s become better

Along with feeling so horrible to where I want to ||kill myself|| on the spot

[plain kindle]

I ate 3 meals today 👍

[pearl rain]

GOOD JOB BALONI

[pearl rain]

Please don’t, Ik it’s hard but u got this

[jovial wraith]

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! GOOB JOB!

[plain kindle]

I’m at the park

I’m just staying here

Wasting time

I don’t want to go home

I’ll try to stay here until 7 maybe

Or 6

I don’t feel okay

I’ve been scratching myself a lot

Both of my arms have cuts from the scratches

They burn

I want to cry

My head hurts

I feel dizzy

I don’t know why I still do this

Why am I even trying

[jovial wraith]

Baloni

you can do anything if you put your mind and soul to it

and that even means living to the end

[plain kindle]

I guess

[jovial wraith]

and just think about it. without making this, you wouldnt have met so many people who support you

[plain kindle]

Mhm

I’m gonna go home in a bit

My mom picked me up

I don’t want to go home

I don’t want to be with her or anyone

I just want to be left alone

I feel horrible

I’m afraid I’m gonna harm myself if I go home

[jovial wraith]

dont do it

[plain kindle]

I’m home

My head feels like it’s spinning

And all the scratches are burning

[plain kindle]

I’m so done

I can’t do this anymore

My mom saw the scratches and I told her I just fell when in reality I kept scratching myself, and she compared me to my cousin who used to cut himself all over his arms and just kept being rude about it

Is that how she’s gonna react to me opening up? She’s just gonna be an ass about it and not actually comfort me?

I’m so tired

I feel like I’m gonna pass out

I don’t want to go to school

I don’t want to do anything

Just let me die

[plain kindle]

I was thinking of actually attempting tonight but then my dad called me

No one was responding or answering me when I tried to distract myself, I was on edge and was already preparing myself until my dad called me to check up on me

My head still hurts

And I still feel dizzy

I might just go to bed

[jovial wraith]

please be okay baloni

[plain kindle]

I fell asleep my last period

[plain kindle]

I haven’t eaten

I think I’m just gonna not eat today

I have stuff to do anyway

I’m just gonna be busy

[plain kindle]

I feel like throwing up

I haven’t even ate anything yet

I’ve just been drinking water or juice all day

[jovial wraith]

baloni

want cuteness?

[plain kindle]

Sure Cloie

[plain kindle]

Thank you Clo

[jovial wraith]

you needed this, didnt you?

[plain kindle]

Only a little bit, it’s very cute and reassuring pff

[plain kindle]

I still haven’t eaten

My throat and stomach hurt because I threw up literal liquids

[plain kindle]

I didn’t eat anything today

I’m not even gonna try tmr

I’m tired

I’m already gaining more and more missing work at school as well

I don’t see a future for myself, I’ll probably be dead. But I still need to have one planned

Also since my mom has higher standards for me

I’m just gonna go to bed

[plain kindle]

My mom just told me that cutting myself is from the devil

She told me this since she saw the scratches again that I lied about saying I just fell

I feel like she’s just gonna keep on putting religion to it if I even open up or tell her abt everything

I feel dizzy

I just told my mom that I ate at school

I didn’t really but, I don’t really want to eat anything

I’ll be fine

[plain kindle]

My mom wants me to eat

I’ll just try to eat later

If not I’ll just throw up again

[plain kindle]

I binged

And I threw it up

I don’t feel okay

My mom wanted me to eat something

And I binged over it

I binged over eating a small meal

I’m pathetic

I want to relapse

I feel like I’m gonna pass out

I’m lightheaded and my throat has pressure on it

My chest has pressure as well

I feel dizzy

I should I’ve starved again

I hate myself

I went to relapse

I didn’t eat yesterday and now I binged and threw up

I’m not eating tomorrow

I seriously don’t feel good

[jovial wraith]

baloni

[plain kindle]

I still feel pretty bad

Why did I even eat

I could’ve just lied about eating

I hate myself so much

I’m not eating for the rest of the week

I can’t be forced to eat

I want to relapse

I might relapse

[plain kindle]

I’m shaking a lot

I thought I gained weight because I felt bigger whenever I looked in the mirror but I literally haven’t gained any and it was just my body dysmorphia

[jovial wraith]

want more cuteness

[plain kindle]

I got cat called..

WHILE LEAVING SCHOOL.

I was with my friends, but I was more in front of them and a truck passed by and cat called me

I had a backpack on

[plain kindle]

My friend gave me his sweater

People are so disgusting, grown men cat calling a 14 yr old is beyond crazy

I’m just uncomfortable now

And feel gross

It’s like the incident all over again lmao

Except now I feel worse

[jovial wraith]

[plain kindle]

I haven’t eaten

[plain kindle]

I tried eating something my mom brought and I just threw it all up

[plain kindle]

Honestly should’ve just not ate today

[plain kindle]

I’m really nervous. I think my mom is starting to find out that I sh, all because she isn’t believing that I “just fell.” I kept on scratching myself on my arm to calm down and it left peeled marks on my skin, I told my mom that I fell while at the park with my friends, but I don’t think she’s believing it very much. She just keeps staring at my arm, all the time. And then when I ask her what the problem is since she keeps on staring at me, she turns away immediately and says it’s nothing

And along with her saying “You better not be cutting/scratching yourself, it’s of the devil.”

She literally counted the scratches and if she saw more she would scold me

But I would always say that I fell

Which could seem believable since it’s not too many

[plain kindle]

I’m not as religious as them, but I’m seriously starting to grow fear now

If I kill myself will I still go to heaven?

She thinks everything related to mental health in a bad way is of the devil, and that dios will become angry and “punish” me more because of it

[plain kindle]

I don’t feel okay

I haven’t eaten anything but a tangerine all day