Rant yap❗ | The Therapy Center | Page 5

peak star Aug 21, 2024, 9:04 AM

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if your not ok u would not be on the internet in the first place but if u have that little bit of hope left my dms are always open to people

eager mauve Aug 21, 2024, 9:39 AM

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peak star if your not ok u would not be on the internet in the first place but if u have t...

That’s what this whole server is for?

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For people to vent and talk about life struggles

peak star Aug 21, 2024, 9:41 AM

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i know i said they could vent to me but also giving them good advice i dont want history to repeat for me

peak star Aug 21, 2024, 9:46 AM

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eager mauve That’s what this whole server is for?

so i know what im talking about

chilly knot Aug 21, 2024, 9:57 AM

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have u ever been to the doctor or hospital maybe they could know what u have?

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 12:26 PM

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baloni. i will gladly show animal pictures if you want

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or i can give you a hug

plain kindle Aug 21, 2024, 3:31 PM

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peak star if your not ok u would not be on the internet in the first place but if u have t...

Thank you for the open dms, but wdym “I wouldn’t be on the internet in the first place”??

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The “internet” wasn’t my first option for help? I’ve tried to help myself in different ways, as I’ve said before in this post. Meaning I’ve seen a therapist and psychiatrist before, but I was no longer able to see them again more in the future.

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Also, so many people are not able to get help irl. So they use different methods and ways to cope and help themselves, as in going on the internet.

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THIS, helps me because I vent here. No, I’m not okay, and you cannot assume that I wouldn’t “be on the internet” If I wasn’t.

plain kindle Aug 21, 2024, 3:49 PM

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jovial wraith baloni. i will gladly show animal pictures if you want

Is it more Jiminy photos? Or is he lost forever 😭

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 3:50 PM

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i havent found him. 🥲 i have no idea where he is

plain kindle Aug 21, 2024, 3:50 PM

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Nooo Jiminy ☹️

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 3:50 PM

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i would have gladly taken pictures of him if i even knew where he was

plain kindle Aug 21, 2024, 3:51 PM

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Pfff

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It’s okayy

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Hopefully you find him soon though lol

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 3:51 PM

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he is somewhere.

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just have no idea.

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WHERE he is

plain kindle Aug 21, 2024, 3:51 PM

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Pfff 😭

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 3:52 PM

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i even told him when he was on the laptop " your name is Jiminy now. hope you dont mind" and he kind of just turned to look at me when i said that

plain kindle Aug 21, 2024, 3:54 PM

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Lolll

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 3:55 PM

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i mentally asked him " did i say something wrong"

plain kindle Aug 21, 2024, 3:55 PM

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Aww

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 3:57 PM

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i think he is somewhere between my bed. like the area between the mattress and the like... bed thing itself

plain kindle Aug 21, 2024, 4:02 PM

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Ohhh

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 4:08 PM

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soooooo i looked around my room. its like jiminy just vanished!

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i even had a flashlight

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and nothing

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i basically removed my blankets, looked under everything and well... NOTHING

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its like i put him on my pillow, he went under it and vanished

plain kindle Aug 21, 2024, 4:23 PM

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Nooo Jiminyy :(

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 4:25 PM

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i think he noclipped.

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there is no way he could have dug himself into my pillow since it has been stitched up for quite some time

plain kindle Aug 21, 2024, 4:29 PM

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Pfff

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 4:30 PM

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he just noclipped and vanished.

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that is the only idea for why he isnt here.

peak star Aug 21, 2024, 5:23 PM

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plain kindle Thank you for the open dms, but wdym “I wouldn’t be on the internet in the first...

welp i was once told when i was depressed that if i rlly wanted to kill my self i would not be talking to starngers on the internet

plain kindle Aug 21, 2024, 6:03 PM

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peak star welp i was once told when i was depressed that if i rlly wanted to kill my self ...

That isn’t okay, and you should understand that it isn’t rather than instead telling me that

peak star Aug 21, 2024, 6:14 PM

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plain kindle That isn’t okay, and you should understand that it isn’t rather than instead tel...

ok point of the story death is not the choice your life is good and worth alot

plain kindle Aug 21, 2024, 6:17 PM

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peak star ok point of the story death is not the choice your life is good and worth alot

Thank you

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 7:08 PM

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old flare Aug 21, 2024, 7:32 PM

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jovial wraith

Hii cloie, ty for making baloni smile and be happy for a bit, ik she appreciates it

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Btw baloni if you see this wanna murder someone with me?

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Bit bored and I have the perfect victim

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 7:34 PM

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wut

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siren... what are you talking about

old flare Aug 21, 2024, 7:36 PM

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Nothing, it's just someone me and baloni have as a mutual friend and they had someone who didn't treat them properly

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So imo

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Tis a good idea to get rid of em

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You want in?

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 7:36 PM

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rooCoffee

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you are planning murder in a therapy server...

old flare Aug 21, 2024, 7:44 PM

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I need therapy anyways🤷🏻‍♀️

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 7:44 PM

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concernedinkling i am so concerned

pearl rain Aug 21, 2024, 7:45 PM

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jovial wraith <:concernedinkling:984200244168372246> i am so concerned

This never happened

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Ur imagining this

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It’s all in ur mind

plain kindle Aug 21, 2024, 7:45 PM

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jovial wraith <:concernedinkling:984200244168372246> i am so concerned

It’s all a dream..

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Go back to bed

potent talon Aug 21, 2024, 7:46 PM

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Tf is going in here

pearl rain Aug 21, 2024, 7:46 PM

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potent talon Tf is going in here

Nothing wdym?

plain kindle Aug 21, 2024, 7:46 PM

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It’s all good lmao

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 7:47 PM

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AMstressed

old flare Aug 21, 2024, 7:47 PM

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Frfr it is

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Dw you're having hallucinations

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Go to sleep

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You'll find everything gone by then

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 7:48 PM

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AMstressed omfg

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what is even happening AMstressed

old flare Aug 21, 2024, 7:49 PM

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You saw nothing pikathumbsup

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 7:49 PM

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SIREN! you arent helping my panic attack

old flare Aug 21, 2024, 7:49 PM

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jovial wraith SIREN! you arent helping my panic attack

I didn't know you were having a panick attack😭

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No one is dying yet

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Dw

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Btw you are a very lovely person

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 7:50 PM

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thank you but i did need a panic attack this afternoon e_faceplant

old flare Aug 21, 2024, 7:50 PM

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Why need😭

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You don't need that

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You need hugs

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Would you like a hug?

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 7:51 PM

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yes. i like hugs

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i meant didnt by the way. my brain retired because i just got out of school

old flare Aug 21, 2024, 7:52 PM

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Gifs aren't allowed😭

old flare Aug 21, 2024, 7:52 PM

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jovial wraith yes. i like hugs

🫂🫂🫂

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Ig emojis will do

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 7:52 PM

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hug

plain kindle Aug 21, 2024, 9:34 PM

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Agh I forgot to say this, but I binged on chips and then threw up. So, not great at all but it’s wtver

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My throat still hurts from throwing up

plain kindle Aug 21, 2024, 10:57 PM

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My mom is making me eat since I’m sick

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I feel so gross

jovial wraith Aug 21, 2024, 11:24 PM

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wanna see jiminy again. its just the same pictures over and over again but you seemed really happy over jiminy

plain kindle Aug 22, 2024, 1:42 AM

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I don’t wanna go to school tomorrow

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It’s barely gonna be the 4th day back and I’m already tired of it

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I just wanna relapse again

jovial wraith Aug 22, 2024, 1:55 AM

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i will show jiminy

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plain kindle Aug 22, 2024, 1:59 AM

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Jiminyy

jovial wraith Aug 22, 2024, 2:01 AM

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did that make you feel better?

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i wanted to make you feel better before i went to bed

plain kindle Aug 22, 2024, 2:12 AM

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A bit

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Oh I forgot to say this
Like 2 days ago at school I was leaving class with my friend and my pe teacher walked past us and stopped in front of me and told me I was a “good girl” 👍

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My friend was shocked lmao

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He looked at me with pure horror

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And then the next day he handed me a paper while I was sitting down, and looked at me up and down and then smiled

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I was wearing a black top the first time, and then I was wearing an off the sleeve shirt the 2nd day

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Yup

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So cool

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It’s known around the school that he tends to be creepy with other girls so

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Great

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I have a headache

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I want to relapse really bad

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I don’t have anything to distract myself with

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And I don’t even have any bandages

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I want to relapse still

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Maybe on my arm?

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I don’t have any bandages

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Fuck

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I don’t know what to do

plain kindle Aug 22, 2024, 3:04 AM

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My head feels heavy

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Everything hurts

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||My dad called me while I was cutting myself||

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What a feeling

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I didn’t answer him

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Oh

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My head hurts

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A lot

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I feel like passing out

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Lol

jovial wraith Aug 22, 2024, 12:18 PM

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heres me at a place where i got to touch and feed the animals

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i know im not helping much but it seems animals help you out

plain kindle Aug 22, 2024, 11:43 PM

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jovial wraith heres me at a place where i got to touch and feed the animals

Awww <3

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Cute animalss

jovial wraith Aug 22, 2024, 11:44 PM

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yeah! KKittyHappy

plain kindle Aug 22, 2024, 11:46 PM

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hamster

plain kindle Aug 23, 2024, 1:11 AM

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I tried to eat sushi and I threw up

plain kindle Aug 23, 2024, 1:22 AM

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plain kindle I tried to eat sushi and I threw up

I didn’t throw up much though so it’s alright

plain kindle Aug 23, 2024, 1:42 AM

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I’m gonna try to eat soup cause I didn’t eat anything all day except for that sushi rn 😭

plain kindle Aug 23, 2024, 2:02 AM

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Never mind! I threw up like the entire thing

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What was even the point of eating today

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I just threw it all up

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God damnit

plain kindle Aug 23, 2024, 2:38 AM

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I’m actually gonna bang my head against the fucking wall I swear to god

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I can’t do this anymore

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I want to be able to eat in peace

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Without having to worry about if I’m gonna throw up my fucking guts

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And now I want to relapse because I feel like shit for eating

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And my room is a bigger fucking mess then how it was in the morning

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Why don’t I have motivation to do anything

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And then I try to distract myself and be positive, and I get bullshit

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And then everything that’s been going on with my moms boyfriend leaving

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And she might put me in therapy because of him!

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Which isn’t bad but I’m afraid I’ll be sent to a fucking mental hospital

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And then what? I’ll be seen as the insane bitch of the family

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Being told “I’m just like my mom”

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And then there’s just school!

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There’s so much shit going on and I’m SO FUCKING TIRED OF IT

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I’m gonna break everything in my fucking room

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I don’t care

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I DONT CARE

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I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING

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JUST LET ME DIE

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I WANT TO DIE

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I DONT WANT TO LIVE

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I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE

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I’m gonna cut my fucking throat open I swear to fucking god

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I need to leave

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I need to leave my house

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I can’t be here

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I don’t want to be here

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I don’t trust myself

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I’m gonna harm myself if I stay

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I don’t want to stay

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I can’t leave

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I CANT FUCKING LEAVE

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I DONT WANT TO BE HERE

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My head hurts

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I think I need to lie down

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My mom just left

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I want to relapse

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Maybe I’ll feel better

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I pulled my hair out lmao

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Oh

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Her boyfriend is home

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Great

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I’m gonna kill myself one of these days

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Again

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I really don’t care at this point

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I never did

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I just always wanted to be dead

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Everyday

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Wondering if it was a good time to attempt

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Isn’t that just so funny?

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I always wanted too

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And always tried to find the right moment and day

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But I never did it

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No, it’s not because I’m afraid or because I have hope

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I’m not sure tbh

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Maybe I’m just lazy and worthless lmao

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Maybe the only good thing that I could do is kill myself

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I might relapse

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I don’t have bandages so I don’t know

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I’m thinking

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If I should attempt and say goodbye? Or say nothing and disappear forever

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I hate goodbyes, someone is always leaving

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Maybe I’ll let everyone be

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No goodbyes, because they suck lmao

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Yeah

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That sounds good

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Oh, my birthday is coming up isn’t it?

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Now should I kill myself before it or after it?

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Hmm.

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I’ll think about it!

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My head hurts a lot loll

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It’s crazy

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All I ever wanted was to be loved

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Was that so hard to ask for?

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I guess it was

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Yk, I like helping people

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I’m kind

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I’m like every other person in this world

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Then why am I treated so differently?

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Maybe I have some issues, but I don’t let it affect others?

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I think before I say anything, and I make sure to not say anything harmful

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Yet I’m the punching bag?

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How is that fair pff?

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I did want to get help

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At some point

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But I gave up on that now

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I tried to be better, build courage to speak out when I was hurting

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But then people become impatient, and yell at me for not being able to open up

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Sounds familiar

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It’s almost like every single person I open up once too, this happens!

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“Come to me” “I’m here for you” “Why can’t you open up to me?”

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I don’t know, maybe because I grew up with verbal and physical abuse to the point where if so even cried or talked about my feelings it was wrong

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It’s not that easy, it really isn’t

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And it’s always the same fucking response

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Every single time

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Every single person

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“How is it not easy?” “Just open up”

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and even after explaining

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Again

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And again

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And again

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They never get it

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They don’t understand

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But ig for now I’ll just say “Oh it’s just hard to open up yk?” !!

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IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF IT

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And not just that no!

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Fucking EVERYTHING

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NOBODY UNDERSTANDS SHIT

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Things don’t get better, they change and become worse for someone else.

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My head still hurts

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I really messed up didn’t I

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Maybe I should just go to bed

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“Sleep it off”

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And then it becomes a loop haha

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Fuck

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God damn I’m annoying

jovial wraith Aug 23, 2024, 12:29 PM

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hey baloni.

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you arent annoying

plain kindle Aug 24, 2024, 12:43 AM

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Thank you Cloie

plain kindle Aug 24, 2024, 1:52 AM

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I was able to eat but I feel sick again ughh

jovial wraith Aug 24, 2024, 1:53 AM

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its okay.

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want a hug

plain kindle Aug 24, 2024, 1:53 AM

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Sure Cloie

jovial wraith Aug 24, 2024, 1:56 AM

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hug

plain kindle Aug 24, 2024, 1:57 AM

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Thank you Cloiee

plain kindle Aug 24, 2024, 5:50 AM

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My head hurts when I touch it, I’m pretty sure it was from yesterday when I “freaked out,” I kept hitting myself in the head and thigh along with pulling my hair to calm down

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It hurts, hopefully it doesn’t get worse

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It’s not that bad, but it hurts to lay my head down

plain kindle Aug 24, 2024, 5:56 PM

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My head hurts way worse now, fuck

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I can barely move it

jovial wraith Aug 24, 2024, 6:25 PM

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hug

plain kindle Aug 24, 2024, 7:13 PM

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I tried eating this morning and I just threw up lmao

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Great

plain kindle Aug 24, 2024, 10:15 PM

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I’m eating better a bit ig

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Just don’t look at the throwing up parts 😭

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One of my teachers at school said I looked like I lost a lot of weight, and said “I’m glad you stayed active during the summer” but in reality I starved myself for like almost a month before going back to school

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So uhm, she’s super nice though I like her! She’s probably the only teacher I like

jovial wraith Aug 25, 2024, 1:21 PM

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Hey baloni, how are you today

plain kindle Aug 25, 2024, 4:36 PM

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I feel okay I guess, thank you for asking

jovial wraith Aug 25, 2024, 4:52 PM

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just needed to check on you.

plain kindle Aug 25, 2024, 6:01 PM

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I’ve been able to eat more without throwing up as much, but I feel so much guilt over it. It feels as if I’ve been binging on food non-stop, but in reality I’m just eating normally the way I’m supposed to. I feel sick and tired, I don’t want to eat anymore

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I want to relapse from it, I hate myself so much

plain kindle Aug 25, 2024, 6:33 PM

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I have to go to my dads today and stay the night there

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I don’t want to go

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I don’t want to see them at all

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I’m upset, I do like seeing my dad but I don’t want to spend the fucking night

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With my fucking cousin (step-brother) doing drugs in front of me every time I’m there

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I’m tired of it

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It’s so draining and exhausting

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I can never be alone, and they’re always being annoying or bothering me in any way

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And then with the fucking food thing!

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I just want to stay home with my mom

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And be alone in my room

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I just want to be left alone

plain kindle Aug 25, 2024, 7:25 PM

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I actually can’t do this, I don’t want to be here

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I’m so tired and drained, and then I have fucking school tomorrow

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Oh and funny story, I was in my English period and we were reading some poem about a kid who was depressed and etc, and some random guy I was sitting next to looked at me and asked if I was depressed and if I cut myself??

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Weird, I don’t even know or talk to him

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I just ignored them

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I feel like crying and throwing up, I might just nap

jovial wraith Aug 25, 2024, 7:29 PM

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wanna hug or some animal pictures?

plain kindle Aug 25, 2024, 7:29 PM

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Sure Cloie

jovial wraith Aug 25, 2024, 7:29 PM

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hug

plain kindle Aug 25, 2024, 7:30 PM

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Thank you 🩷

jovial wraith Aug 25, 2024, 7:30 PM

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#

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here go animal pictures

plain kindle Aug 25, 2024, 7:46 PM

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Aww

jovial wraith Aug 25, 2024, 7:47 PM

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thank twitter for these and the stoat stuff from a whole website about stoats!

plain kindle Aug 25, 2024, 7:52 PM

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Pfff 😭

jovial wraith Aug 25, 2024, 7:54 PM

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oh also, stoat is dutch for naughty. and they are invasive species.

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and are really good hunters!

torn nexus Aug 25, 2024, 7:59 PM

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wait Cloie ur dutch?

jovial wraith Aug 25, 2024, 8:02 PM

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nope

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im a texan!

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i just like learning animal facts e_clap

plain kindle Aug 25, 2024, 8:33 PM

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Aghh, I feel so sick. I want to throw up

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I’m dizzy and lightheaded

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And I still feel like crying, I’m so tired I just want to go home

jovial wraith Aug 25, 2024, 8:58 PM

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MORE PICTURES TO THE RESCUE!

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KirikoHeart just doing my best to help from the way you react to animals

plain kindle Aug 25, 2024, 9:00 PM

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Pff, thank you Cloie

jovial wraith Aug 25, 2024, 9:13 PM

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besides, its better then nothing

plain kindle Aug 25, 2024, 10:46 PM

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I feel so empty

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And hopeless

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I’m not

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Really sure on what to do

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Anymore

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I don’t feel

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Like I’m really here

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Like I’m here, but I don’t feel like I am?

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I feel like shit

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I don’t even know why pf

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Well I do, but why?

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Almost all of the shit I’ve gone through was so long ago

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Why am I still “unwell”

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I’m just selfish

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I don’t even know why I feel like this

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I really am just a useless depressed idiot aren’t I

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I’m probably gonna turn out like the rest of my family

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Alcoholics, addicts, life-ruiners

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Seriously, one of my aunts cheated and left her husband for another man while she was still married, and she is still married and has multiple kids with the other guy lmfao

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Not to mention half of the woman in my family were prostitutes!

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I’m probably gonna turn out like one of them aren’t I?! , well when my mom can’t handle me anymore and kicks me out for being a suicidal narcissist, I’ll probably turn out homeless and start selling myself for money. Because oh what else can I do when I’ve tried everything to be better right! Like every single mistake in my family! I’m gonna turn out like every one of them

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“The future gets better”, In the future I’m probably gonna pass down mental illness, or become as worse than my dad

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Fuck I’m already turning out like them aren’t I

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I’m just gonna become another “whore of the family!”

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I hate myself so much

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I seriously am losing my mind

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I cannot be doing this anymore

jovial wraith Aug 25, 2024, 11:15 PM

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hug hug

plain kindle Aug 26, 2024, 2:48 AM

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My step-brother(cousin) is doing some shit idek atp, in front of me again

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In the car

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It’s not as bad though, it’s just nozz

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But for fuck sake bro you’re driving be more mature

plain kindle Aug 26, 2024, 3:12 AM

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He got me Boba so we good

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Im joking but I got Boba Yayayy

plain kindle Aug 26, 2024, 3:28 AM

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I’m back home

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My head hurts and idk why

plain kindle Aug 26, 2024, 4:59 AM

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plain kindle My step-brother(cousin) is doing some shit idek atp, in front of me again

Honestly I didn’t want this to happen

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It was the main reason why I didn’t want to come

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But ig it happened, and the world keeps spinning right?

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Definitely doesn’t leave a mark on me

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Great

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Oh and I feel really fucking sick to the point I just want to rip my stomach open

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I want to throw up but I can’t and I haven’t been able to for 2 days

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I honestly might not even eat this week I feel horrible

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And from feeling horrible I want to relapse

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No but yeah, everything is okay!

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I’m just gonna go to bed

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After the car ride with my step-brother, I feel really sleepy

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I think the Boba got to me 😔

plain kindle Aug 26, 2024, 5:10 AM

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plain kindle After the car ride with my step-brother, I feel really sleepy

And I got a headache during and after it

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I’m just gonna sleep it off ig

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I’ll feel better tmr

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Maybe

jovial wraith Aug 26, 2024, 12:23 PM

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hug

plain kindle Aug 27, 2024, 1:37 AM

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So I haven’t said anything today yet, but for starters I’ve felt like shit all day

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And I still do

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My throat and chest hurt so I might be sick again

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I’m still having thoughts about killing myself and reminded everyday that I have the opportunity to attempt

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Sh urges, I pull my hair and scratch myself to stop it

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Which is technically also sh, but not as bad as cutting

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I tried napping to feel better and I just feel worse

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My friend who also used to cut himself who has been clean for some time now, keeps making jokes and references about sh, like he pulls his sleeve up and does this motion on his wrist where it looks like he’s cutting himself, and shows me and laughs about it

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Like okay dude.. I know you’ve been clean and all, but seriously?

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And they know about my sh as well, but why would you do that when you know my addiction got worse?

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Where it could be triggering and etc

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Oh and he does that when there’s people around, those people being my friends as well

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It’s just making everyone uncomfortable

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But in the end I just need to stfu and stop being offended ig

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Well, not offended lmao

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Idk what word to use mb 😭

plain kindle Aug 27, 2024, 1:46 AM

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plain kindle I’m still having thoughts about killing myself and reminded everyday that I have...

And when I say everyday, it is every. Single. Day.

#

I need to calm down lmao

#

Oh I almost broke down at SCHOOL

#

Crazy

#

My backpack almost got stolen after school, by some guy I don’t know
I wanted to beat the shit outta him but there was a literal cop right next to us 😭

plain kindle Aug 27, 2024, 2:56 AM

#

Oh I forgot to add, I feel horrible and I might starve myself for the rest of the week because I honestly don’t feel well eating

#

Oh and my dad is starting to notice the way I eat and talked to my mom about and now he’s more concerned about me

#

But my mom isn’t still lmao

#

Even after he talked to her

plain kindle Aug 27, 2024, 3:37 AM

#

I’m miserable as shit wtf 😭

#

Why do I cope with humor lmao

#

I cope with humor yet I can’t take a joke is crazy

plain kindle Aug 27, 2024, 3:40 AM

#

plain kindle Oh I forgot to add, I feel horrible and I might starve myself for the rest of th...

I’m still gonna do this

#

I don’t want to throw up pff

#

It’s either I don’t eat or I eat and throw it all up

#

My throat was starting to hurt from it any way

#

Should I just let my mom put me in therapy? I mean when else am I gonna have the chance lmao

#

I’m really lightheaded and dizzy rn, I feel like passing out but it’s probably just because I’m sick atp

#

I feel like shit

#

The urges are worse, I don’t want to eat anymore, I keep freaking out and hurting myself from it, my ptsd is getting worse, I want to kms but that would mean mean I’m a selfish asshole, certain things still trigger my sa memory’s and abuse and harassment, I want to die but I’m also growing a small fear thinking I’ll end up in hell so I’m starting to become afraid of literal death, my step-brother(cousin) does drugs and drinks in front of me, especially while driving which I have no idea why, I feel like I’m gonna turn out worse than my family, I want help but afraid to receive it, I want comfort but I don’t feel better after receiving it unless it’s specific people, and way more but that’s just what I could think on the top of my head

rancid wyvern Aug 27, 2024, 3:53 AM

#

Cat cheese

plain kindle Aug 27, 2024, 3:57 AM

#

What??

#

Please don’t type random stuff on this post please lmao

rancid wyvern Aug 27, 2024, 4:08 AM

#

Sry

plain kindle Aug 27, 2024, 4:21 AM

#

It’s okay

plain kindle Aug 27, 2024, 5:05 AM

#

Im in pain again

#

Great

#

Well I did this to myself

#

So I can’t complain

jovial wraith Aug 27, 2024, 12:16 PM

#

animal pictures and maybe some hugs?

#

i just want you to at least feel a bit better

plain kindle Aug 27, 2024, 10:17 PM

#

Sure Cloie

plain kindle Aug 27, 2024, 10:33 PM

#

I’m so tired, I haven’t ate and I don’t really wanna eat

#

School sucks lmao

#

There’s just a lot of people that bother me ig

#

I almost broke down again too so that’s not great

#

I was in pain all day, limping but it wasn’t that noticeable

#

I have no appetite, thinking about any food rn makes me feel sick and gag

#

And overall I’m just not okay lmao

#

But I’m trying 👍

sterile leaf Aug 27, 2024, 10:38 PM

#

plain kindle I have no appetite, thinking about any food rn makes me feel sick and gag

But need to eat something

plain kindle Aug 27, 2024, 10:39 PM

#

I know, but I don’t really feel good in eating rn

sterile leaf Aug 27, 2024, 10:40 PM

#

plain kindle I know, but I don’t really feel good in eating rn

It’s ok just try to have some regime and don’t skip food

plain kindle Aug 27, 2024, 10:41 PM

#

Okay, thank you

plain kindle Aug 27, 2024, 11:16 PM

#

I tried eating and I threw up

#

Great

#

I feel like relapsing, and I might just go to the liquor store and buy a monster

#

I already relapsed yesterday but I want to again, it makes me feel better. I couldn’t even go deep, I need to go deeper, I want to go deeper.

#

My head hurts, my thigh hurts, my throat hurts from throwing up so much

#

I feel like shit

#

I just honestly want to be left alone

#

But I don’t want to push people away again

#

Why did I even eat? I feel gross

#

It wasn’t that much, but I feel horrible

#

I should just sleep to skip the day

#

That way I don’t eat anymore

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 12:38 AM

#

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 1:02 AM

#

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 1:07 AM

#

Thank youu Cloie 🩷

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 1:18 AM

#

i can send more if you want it

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 1:20 AM

#

No it’s okay, but thank you!

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 1:20 AM

#

now.....

#

THE HUGS!

#

hug MiruHug hug MiruHug

#

MiruHug hug MiruHug hug MiruHug hug

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 1:22 AM

#

Pffff, thank you Cloiee 🩷🩷🩷🫂🫶

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 1:26 AM

#

this is literally the only way i know how to make people happy. using hugs and animals

#

because comforting people isnt my strong suit but i rather do what i know best

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 1:27 AM

#

Thats good, and it works!

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 1:28 AM

#

it actually does!?

willow token Aug 28, 2024, 1:28 AM

#

jovial wraith this is literally the only way i know how to make people happy. using hugs and a...

That's more than i do

#

unfortunately

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 1:36 AM

#

i honestly never thought that my hugs and animals actually help.

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 4:46 AM

#

I’m home alone and the urge to relapse is worse rn lmao

#

I was able to eat but I feel like shit over so, but it’s good that I ate right?

#

I don’t feel okay about eating, I don’t feel like I should’ve ate

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 5:42 AM

#

I’m having a horrible night lmao

#

I’ll just rant about it tmr

#

Unless I forget

#

Oh that reminds me, last night I woke up in the middle of the night because I got the memorys/flashbacks of my mom yelling for me lmao, the one where it felt like she was gonna harm me

#

I woke up two more times that night from the fear of having that voice in my head

#

I’m just gonna go to bed now

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 12:23 PM

#

here. a capybara with albinoism to see today

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 2:08 PM

#

Aww 🩷🫶

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 2:11 PM

#

actually, wanna know something?

#

albinism and vitiligo are both rare in the animal and human kingdom.

because it can just happen in a family member or a animal

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 2:12 PM

#

Woahh

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 2:12 PM

#

but! the difference is how albinism is actually genetic

#

vitiligo is kinda iffy

#

in my case of vitiligo, it is genetic

#

but its kind of hard to explain since well not much is known on either of them

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 2:13 PM

#

Ohh

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 2:13 PM

#

it is rare after all

#

but the main difference is when vitiligo happens

#

because it can happen as a baby or as a elder.

#

but albinism. it kind of sticks with you since you were BORN albino

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 2:15 PM

#

Ooo

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 2:15 PM

#

but the thing that vitiligo and albinism have in common is that we are paler and also have a higher chance of skin cancer since we have no pigment in our skin.

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 2:15 PM

#

Uh oh

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 2:16 PM

#

meaning we dont have that natural sun protection that people who dont have vitiligo or albinism have

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 2:16 PM

#

Ohh

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 2:16 PM

#

pretty cool right?

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 2:16 PM

#

It is!

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 2:17 PM

#

but also, even if these can be seen as skin conditions. it isnt like it harms us.

#

the only downside to having albinism or vitiligo is the hightened chance of skin cancer.

but everything else is fine

#

and also, albinos often are blind in the eyes as pigment is also what gives color to your eyes i believe

#

not to mention how we basically have to prepare for summer as we dont want to end up getting that cancer i told ya about

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 2:19 PM

#

Yeah

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 2:19 PM

#

e_infodumping its quite interesting how much is known but at the same time, not enough to make it seem like a problem since its so rare

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 2:20 PM

#

It is pfff

#

And it’s cool you know all of that

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 2:20 PM

#

my families case of vitiligo is unique as unlike normal vitiligo, ours kind of spreads and it could make us look albino

#

i am sorry for going nerd on ya, i just find stuff like this so interesting! monksweat

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 2:22 PM

#

It’s okay!! I found it interesting as well

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 2:22 PM

#

especially with the vitiligo. which is a case i have.

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 2:22 PM

#

Woah whatt

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 2:22 PM

#

my family has had it for generations so its genetic on my part

#

it actually skipped 3 generations of my family before landing on me

#

i am way paler then my own mom and dad. like the patches of my skin tone underneath the vitiligo is a combo of them but i am still much paler then them

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 2:24 PM

#

Woahh, that’s cool

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 2:26 PM

#

it could easily be mistaken that i was adopted by them since i am so much paler then both of them

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 2:26 PM

#

Ohh

#

Does that happen often??

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 2:30 PM

#

you can clearly see how pale i am compared to others just by this picture

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 2:31 PM

#

plain kindle Does that happen often??

no but if it did i wouldnt blame anyone for thinking i was adopted

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 2:31 PM

#

jovial wraith you can clearly see how pale i am compared to others just by this picture

Ohh I see, you look so cute in that photo!! Aww 🫶

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 2:32 PM

#

jovial wraith no but if it did i wouldnt blame anyone for thinking i was adopted

Ohh

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 2:33 PM

#

you can also see the patches of vitiligo if you look at my legs

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 2:33 PM

#

Ohh yeah I see it

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 2:35 PM

#

so naturally i dont look like i am my parents child. since i am so pale

#

especially since my parents could be seen as tan in a way

#

and i certainly dont look tan

#

just telling you this to get the idea of how i could be seen as adopted

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 2:39 PM

#

Ohhh

#

Agh sorry Cloie I gtg! I have school right now lol and I don’t want to be late again 😭
It was really cool and nice talking to you, I didn’t know about any of this pff

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 2:45 PM

#

bye.

#

have a good day at school

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 2:57 PM

#

Thank you!

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 9:38 PM

#

heres more some pictures of my vitiligo.

its way clearer here

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 10:13 PM

#

I told my friend about the time I almost went into cardiac arrest, which was the beginning of summer. But basically I didn’t eat anything and only drank monster for like 2 weeks, and I’m not even sure how?? Unless it was from a different reason, but I’m not sure. But from that I almost went into cardiac arrest ig, and then after I told her she went to tell another friend of her’s and started acting and treating me like if I was a piece of shit or smthing, and kept telling me to eat something

#

It was annoying but wtver

#

And then this guy who is too fucking touchy, like they keep leaning towards me, laying on me, shifting their hand low beside them then it touches me which weirds me out and triggers me, but honestly there isn’t much space in the desks so I’ll just let it slide for now but the laying?? It’s pissing me off, I don’t even know him either

jovial wraith Aug 28, 2024, 10:40 PM

#

hug

plain kindle Aug 28, 2024, 11:56 PM

#

I was able to eat but I’m at my dads so I can’t throw up

jovial wraith Aug 29, 2024, 12:13 AM

#

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 1:22 AM

#

I wanna go home

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 1:22 AM

#

plain kindle I told my friend about the time I almost went into cardiac arrest, which was the...

I’m still a bit upset about this

#

Why would she do that?? Like I know she and was just joking around, but seriously?

#

AND I couldn’t even starve today because I’m with my dad and he’s actually starting to worry

#

Bro whenever I eat once a day I feel like I’m eating a whole fucking buffet lmao

#

I’m not, but it feels like it and it’s actually starting to get to my head

#

(As if it’s not already)

#

I haven’t been able to not eat for so many days and it’s actually making me feel sick, I throw up each time and it causes my throat to hurt

#

I’ve just been horrible in general tbh

#

I relapsed twice, Monday and Tuesday

#

And I hate myself for not going as deep as I wanted

#

I want to starve myself because I feel sick and gross eating anything

#

I don’t want to go to school because everything there sucks

#

I want to cry my eyes out, and I don’t even feel like I can open up about anything because everybody gets mad whenever I say I want to kill myself

#

I’m almost positive I’m gonna turn out like the rest of my family, if not dead

#

I’m starting to get worried for myself because I’ve been wanting to start drinking

#

And have been wanting for a long time now, and why? I don’t even know

#

Along with doing shit with my cousin and getting high or some bs, I don’t know why I’m starting to think like this

#

It’s all just getting to my head lmfao

#

Maybe I’m trying to find new ways to cope Idfk

#

I’m just so tired

#

I might just sleep it off

#

I don’t really want to talk to anyone else

#

But if I don’t I’m viewed as an asshole so I don’t really have a choice

#

Anyways

#

To lighten the mood,

#

It’s my sisters birthdayy

#

We’re not gonna do much rather than just cut a cake

#

But happy birthday to her pff 🩷

jovial wraith Aug 29, 2024, 1:49 AM

#

hey baloni, want to hear some more fun facts?

#

you seemed really interested in them

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 1:50 AM

#

Sure!

jovial wraith Aug 29, 2024, 1:51 AM

#

these are Stoats, they are invasive species in new zealand and are quite good hunters

#

they eat mice, rats, and squirrels.

they can swim in water but not too deep of water. since they arent exactly that good at it. but they are really fast and know how to jump on prey

#

and they even change fur tone to the weather

#

more specifically in the winter as you can tell!

#

i hope this made you feel better. because im gunna go to bed.

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 2:01 AM

#

Aww

#

Thank you Cloie!

jovial wraith Aug 29, 2024, 2:05 AM

#

goodnight baloni. im going to bed now

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 2:15 AM

#

Goodnightt

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 2:33 AM

#

I feel so gross

#

I want to throw up

#

I want to go home

#

I don’t want to be here

#

I hate myself

#

I feel like I’m gonna freak out again

#

Im shaking and my chest feels heavy

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 3:03 AM

#

I feel horrible

#

I’m just gonna lay down for a bit

#

I want to relapse so bad

#

It’s still hard to breathe

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 3:43 AM

#

I feel like I’m gonna freak out and hurt myself or someone I don’t trust myself at all. I don’t to relapse so fucking bad I want to go home I need to go home, I don’t want to be here I don’t want to see anyone I want to be alone. I don’t trust myself around people and I don’t trust myself alone, but it’s best to be alone.

#

I’m a fucked up piece of shit I can’t keep doing this honestly

#

I hate myself I hate everything and everyone

#

Im so tired of it all

#

I should’ve killed myself again 2 years ago, I should’ve died

#

I could’ve died

#

Everything could’ve been better

#

Why can’t anything be better

#

Oh I know, because I don’t know how to get help, and I’m afraid of others helping me so I cope with humor and don’t let anyone worry about me!

#

Oh but yet when I do the subject gets changed and I’m just ignored again

#

I’m actually gonna fucking kill myself I can’t do this shit anymore

#

I don’t want to keep doing this anymore

#

Maybe retrying to od again?

#

but I’m not at my fucking house!

#

I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE

#

I can’t keep doing this FUCKING LOOP, EVERY SINGLE DAY

#

EVERYDAY IS THE SAME

#

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT I JUST BECOME WORSE

#

I should’ve killed my self in the summer

#

I can’t breathe again

#

Great

#

Why did I eat today

#

Why did I eat yesterday, or the fucking day before

#

I’m so gross

#

Everything is horrible

#

I’m doing horrible

#

Im not okay

#

Im never okay

#

Why can’t I just reach out for help like a normal person

#

I don’t understand

#

I’m just a kid

willow token Aug 29, 2024, 3:56 AM

#

Oh my

#

What is going on

willow token Aug 29, 2024, 3:57 AM

#

plain kindle I’m just a kid

It do be hard sometimes

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 3:57 AM

#

Why am I abused, why am I sexualized, why did I have to get sexually assaulted, or sexually harassed, why did I have to have ptsd, why did I have to have an ed, why did I have to have symptoms of bpd, why did I not get the life I deserved, why am I the one suffering, why did I only have to be 9 years old, why did I get a self harm addiction, why do I want to start drinking, why do I want to start doing drugs, why do I feel like the only way I can get better is by getting worse?

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 3:57 AM

#

willow token What is going on

Sorry

willow token Aug 29, 2024, 3:57 AM

#

My early teenage years weren't so fun either, but it does get better overtime

willow token Aug 29, 2024, 3:57 AM

#

plain kindle Sorry

No worries 👍

#

Im only trying to comfort you anyway

#

Since i dont think i can do much

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 3:58 AM

#

Thanks

willow token Aug 29, 2024, 3:59 AM

#

plain kindle Why am I abused, why am I sexualized, why did I have to get sexually assaulted, ...

I heavily don't recommend drugs

#

I believe those to be a spiral to hell

#

especially if you are a minor using them

#

It wont do you any good

#

It will take the only chance of better future

#

Rip it away

#

If it continues

willow token Aug 29, 2024, 4:01 AM

#

plain kindle Why am I abused, why am I sexualized, why did I have to get sexually assaulted, ...

As for drinking uhhh it won't do you any good either as a minor, but as you get a little older you should be allowed to drink some non alcohol beer since ite basically like drinks like cola kinda i guess

#

Like for me

#

I dont like alcohol stuff

#

I prefer non alcohol

#

so like

#

Well yea

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 4:02 AM

#

I know, I wouldn’t recommend it either lmfao
But, I feel as if I need it. I’m not sure how to really put it lol same goes for the alcohol ig

willow token Aug 29, 2024, 4:03 AM

#

plain kindle I know, I wouldn’t recommend it either lmfao But, I feel as if I *need* it. I’m ...

Try non alcohol

#

Its so tasty

#

Altrough you still technically shouldnt drink the non alcohol, but it wont be as bad as the real deal if you are smart about it

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 4:03 AM

#

Maybe

willow token Aug 29, 2024, 4:07 AM

#

plain kindle But if I don’t I’m viewed as an asshole so I don’t really have a choice

I can maybe help you with that

#

As in

#

Figuring out a way

#

To tell your friends whenever you want to have alone time

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 4:11 AM

#

I was able to do that

#

My chest feels heavy again

#

I can’t really breathe all that well

#

I’m just gonna try and rest

#

So I don’t hurt myself ig

#

I can’t wait to try and reach out tomorrow only for it to end up in me getting yelled at for not being able to communicate well lmao

#

I can’t wait to be bothered and grabbed tomorrow at school

#

I can’t wait to be uncomfortable as shit and on the verge of tears tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to lay in my bedroom and not do anything for hours tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to be ignored tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to not feel cared or loved about tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to have a relapse tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to have suicidal thoughts tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to pull my hair out tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to push myself away from people tomorrow because I feel like I don’t deserve them

#

I can’t wait for my feelings to be ignored tomorrow

#

I can’t wait for the distraction of being around people to end when I enter school or get home tomorrow and my head is just filled with empty thoughts of suicide

#

I can’t wait to throw up because I hate myself for eating anything at all tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to probably starve myself tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to cry myself to sleep tonight and tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to be tired and drained tomorrow

#

I can’t wait for everything to seem annoying and have an attitude from being tired of it all tomorrow

#

I can’t wait for my attitude to only be noticed and not my depression tomorrow

#

I cant wait to hate everyone and everything for no reason because I just want to be left alone tomorrow

#

I cant wait to feel horrible and hopeless tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to try and convince myself to not kill myself with every single pill in my hand tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to relive every moment I have tomorrow when all I want is to be dead

#

I can’t wait to still have trauma I think about daily and haven’t healed from yet tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to see the man who SA’ed me tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to get home to my moms and realize everything is changing terribly tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to blame myself for my own sexual assault and harassment tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to have a panic attack tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to be triggered and have memories/flashbacks rush in from ptsd tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to feel like a selfish, narcissistic, stupid, piece of shit tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to be insulted as a joke tomorrow

#

I can’t wait to accidentally harm someone because I let my emotions get the best of me tomorrow

#

I can’t for everything to be the same everyday like it is tomorrow!

#

I’m so happy and excited to live!

#

I’m so glad I have a purpose!

#

If I stay I’m ruining my own life, If I die I’m ruining everyone else’s

#

People already view me as selfish, so if I died nothing would change

#

I can’t help myself nor can I help anyone else, so what’s the point

#

And then if I try to help everybody else while I’m at the lowest point of my life I just become worse

#

I want to be payed attention for once

#

I want to be seen

#

Understood

#

But that would be a miracle

#

I really am just a big joke

#

Something you can laugh at lmao, that’s me! Because nobody cares to actually let me get close and open up

#

Fuck this shit

#

I should just kill myself already

#

My moms almost here

#

I feel numb

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 4:49 AM

#

plain kindle I should just kill myself already

I don’t really have anything else to live for

#

I’m just another person in a billion

#

I’m least important and I’m useless so

#

I don’t really matter do I? Haha

willow token Aug 29, 2024, 5:05 AM

#

plain kindle I don’t really matter do I? Haha

If you think logically

#

You could come up with a conclusion

#

That in a way you do matter

#

As well as every living being complex enough

#

Its the happy moments in life that matter

#

But there can be no happy moments without you @plain kindle

#

So in a way

#

You do matter

willow token Aug 29, 2024, 5:07 AM

#

willow token Its the happy moments in life that matter

I know that the ratio of happy moments to the bad ones isn't the best in your life right now

#

But as long as you live

#

There is hope

jovial wraith Aug 29, 2024, 12:15 PM

#

here. have this.

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 10:07 PM

#

plain kindle I can’t wait to try and reach out tomorrow only for it to end up in me getting y...

Half of all of this already has happened haha

#

I’m tired

#

And feel horrible again

#

Lol great

#

I don’t want to eat today

#

And I haven’t eaten

#

My ribs hurt

#

My whole body feels heavy

#

School was fine ig

#

The same thing again

#

But again with the guy who sits next to me

#

I feel so uncomfortable being next to them, they keep getting close and close to me PHYSICALLY. And will lean in towards my area to mess with my stuff, it’s annoying, plus it creeps me out and triggers me sometimes with the touching

#

It’s wtver

#

I still feel the same as I did yesterday

#

And the day before

#

And all the other days

#

Before and before lmao

#

6 years of all this bullshit is crazy

#

I’m exhausted and drained

#

I feel like I might relapse later

#

Or try to kill myself lmfao

#

Joking

#

I’m gonna clean up my room and then sleep for a bit

jovial wraith Aug 29, 2024, 10:37 PM

#

racoon'

opt__aboutcom__coeus__resources__content_migration__mnn__images__2016__07__albino-raccoon-5fbfdd15365b433484cd50d463ec9618.jpg

#

more specifically.

#

albino racoon

#

actually!

#

albinism is extremely rare in all animals!

#

including plants!

#

yeah! plants can become albino

#

though they die shortly after since they dont get the stuff that helps them look normal..

#

e_infodumping its pretty interesting with how plants and animals can get albinism since its so rare

#

and whats more interesting is how... well albinism can just happen

#

a whole family can have no albinism and suddenly albino

#

@plain kindle sorry for annoying you with random facts

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 10:50 PM

#

No it’s okay you didn’t annoy me, I’m just a bit tired right now

jovial wraith Aug 29, 2024, 10:58 PM

#

wanna see more albino animals?

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 11:09 PM

#

Sure

jovial wraith Aug 29, 2024, 11:12 PM

#

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 11:22 PM

#

Aww

jovial wraith Aug 29, 2024, 11:32 PM

#

more albino animals

opt__aboutcom__coeus__resources__content_migration__mnn__images__2016__07__albino-fisher-cat-abde32f2d7404e64bb595756cd8697c3.webp

opt__aboutcom__coeus__resources__content_migration__mnn__images__2016__07__albino-hummingbird-806705a10fc446538fe22cb2213d98c4.webp

plain kindle Aug 29, 2024, 11:46 PM

#

I wasn’t doing so well in the morning so I started scratching myself to calm myself down and the mark hasn’t left yet

#

The mark has been on my arm for over 7 hours lmao

#

And it still stings

jovial wraith Aug 29, 2024, 11:50 PM

#

want some hugs

plain kindle Aug 30, 2024, 12:01 AM

#

Sure Cloie

jovial wraith Aug 30, 2024, 12:06 AM

#

hug

#

i hope my hugs make you feel better even if they are online

#

because well Baloni, you deserve happiness

plain kindle Aug 30, 2024, 12:21 AM

#

Thank you Cloie

jovial wraith Aug 30, 2024, 12:25 AM

#

hug

plain kindle Aug 30, 2024, 12:53 AM

#

I still haven’t eaten and I’m not sure if I should still eat

jovial wraith Aug 30, 2024, 12:54 AM

#

i know you have a eating disorder but maybe try something small. like maybe some cabbages or carrots? nothing too big ya know

#

i dont wanna force you to eat

#

i am just giving some suggestions

#

starting small is always good

#

just go small and at least see if you dont throw up

plain kindle Aug 30, 2024, 12:59 AM

#

I will thank you

jovial wraith Aug 30, 2024, 1:01 AM

#

dont go too big though. dont want you throwing up

plain kindle Aug 30, 2024, 1:07 AM

#

I wont, thank you Cloie

jovial wraith Aug 30, 2024, 1:07 AM

#

your welcome.

#

i just hope you get to eat and enjoy it for once.

#

thats the main reason why i even lurk over this. as i honestly want you to eat without having to throw up after

#

honestly, i just want everyone to feel better since everyone deserves some sort of joy

plain kindle Aug 30, 2024, 1:29 AM

#

Hopefully this time I will be able too. And thank you Cloie, I believe everyone deserves some sort of joy as well

jovial wraith Aug 30, 2024, 1:30 AM

#

honestly, even though im 16 i am like a mom and i rather be motherly then be a soulless... non-caring teenager

#

its better then nothing

plain kindle Aug 30, 2024, 1:37 AM

#

True

jovial wraith Aug 30, 2024, 1:41 AM

#

honestly, people say i have a heart of gold but i just am doing this all of this as i want people to be happy

#

and even though i dont understand what it is like with a eating disorder, i rather just sit down with the person and talk to them and even give suggestions

#

i rather be someone who can try to understand the issues then pretend like i know what its like

#

of course i dont, i dont know a lot. im only 16. but i rather just sit down and try to understand

plain kindle Aug 30, 2024, 1:49 AM

#

Thank you Cloie, and you’re right, it is better to try to understand rather then to just pretend.

jovial wraith Aug 30, 2024, 1:50 AM

#

what i do is that i imagine being in your shoes. it helps me understand what people are going through. imagine myself in their shoes and then put my... two cents into it. at least try to make people feel like they can come to me for anything.

#

and besides, if it makes people feel better, why should i stop?

#

it is clearly helping

#

and yeah i give the animal pictures here as if i am trying to ignore what the issue is but the thing is... i use those images as i noticed how people seem to at least feel better

#

also did you eat the small amount of food or did you throw it up?

plain kindle Aug 30, 2024, 1:59 AM

#

jovial wraith also did you eat the small amount of food or did you throw it up?

Well, so and so

#

It wasn’t as much though, and my throat doesn’t hurt from it so I feel okay

jovial wraith Aug 30, 2024, 2:01 AM

#

at least thats better then nothing isnt it?

#

just start small then build it up from there.

#

im gunna go to bed so i hope you enjoyed what ever advice i gave here today

plain kindle Aug 30, 2024, 2:05 AM

#

I did! And goodnight Cloie

plain kindle Aug 30, 2024, 3:58 AM

#

I tried drinking chocolate milk with bread and I quite literally threw it all up not even 5 minutes after

#

My stomach hurts from throwing up

plain kindle Aug 30, 2024, 4:43 AM

#

I was able to eat okay once 👍

#

Out of 3 times

#

I’m somewhat proud, this means I’m doing a bit better

#

I still feel guilt and shame though

#

But it’ll pass I think

#

My stomach still hurts a bit

#

And I still feel horrible, but my eating is better

#

Today was the same like usual, shitty lmao

#

But It got better for a bit, but then it became terrible again

#

I’m just gonna go to bed in a bit, try to sleep it off until tomorrow

jovial wraith Aug 30, 2024, 1:21 PM

#

how are you today, Baloni, feeling better?

plain kindle Aug 30, 2024, 1:59 PM

#

I’m not sure, I’m feeling everything this morning pff. But mainly anxious and tired, a little bit better than yesterday

jovial wraith Aug 30, 2024, 2:14 PM

#

thats better then feeling like shit now aint it?

#

honestly, i think about my ganny says to me when i feel down

#

" Sure you feel like trash right now but soon enough you will feel like you can face the world head on "

#

so think about that every time you feel like shit. AMcomfy

#

it could make you feel better!

plain kindle Aug 30, 2024, 2:30 PM

#

Thank you Cloie, I will 🫶

jovial wraith Aug 30, 2024, 2:30 PM

#

hug

plain kindle Aug 30, 2024, 11:44 PM

#

I didn’t eat anything all day and then I just started binging on fucking CANDY

#

It’s not even FOOD

#

I’m so upset at myself my stomach hurts and I feel like throwing up so bad

#

I feel like shit

#

I’m not even home

#

I swear I’m gonna pass out on the fucking street I feel horrible

#

My ribs hurt so bad

#

Fuck

#

It hurts to breathe

#

I’m almost home though so it’s fine ig

#

I feel sick

#

I’m home now

jovial wraith Aug 31, 2024, 12:00 AM

#

yay!

#

you wanna see more of young me. because i saw how you were interested in my vitiligo

#

besides they are more noticeable

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 12:03 AM

#

Sure!

jovial wraith Aug 31, 2024, 12:37 AM

#

#

you can clearly see the vitiligo in the second picture

#

and yes i did do cheerleading. i didnt like it one bit

eager mauve Aug 31, 2024, 1:37 AM

#

That’s you cloie?

jovial wraith Aug 31, 2024, 1:55 AM

#

yep!

#

when i was like 6

#

or 7

#

i was in cheerleading until i was 8

#

i even did karate and basketball

jovial wraith Aug 31, 2024, 2:17 AM

#

muscule memory is kind of awesome as i still know how to throw a basketball!

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 2:41 AM

#

I threw up and my throat hurts. I’m so hungry, I just want to eat without feeling like this or doing any of this.

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 2:41 AM

#

jovial wraith i even did karate and basketball

Aww, you look so cute!

#

Skilled Cloie

jovial wraith Aug 31, 2024, 2:41 AM

#

i barely remember anything from karate but i know i can throw a basketball like a boss

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 3:02 AM

#

Pfff

jovial wraith Aug 31, 2024, 3:02 AM

#

i need to go to bed. goodnight baloni. please eat something small

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 3:03 AM

#

Okay, goodnight! Sleep well Cloie

jovial wraith Aug 31, 2024, 3:05 AM

#

i will

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 3:51 AM

#

I keep feeling horrible and shitty, I want to relapse, kms, and self sabotage every single day
I can’t catch a break lmao

#

Everybody has just been annoying, I don’t think there isn’t anybody I haven’t found bothersome during the last few weeks. Well, except for one. He’s the only one who actually try’s to spend time with me, I hangout with him everyday irl walking or just talking really. It’s nice to have someone actually care for you once in a while, he’s a good friend.

willow token Aug 31, 2024, 3:54 AM

#

plain kindle I keep feeling horrible and shitty, I want to relapse, kms, and self sabotage ev...

This got to be something i don't think i can imagine

#

Or maybe i just didn't have the will to state my problems

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 3:55 AM

#

willow token This got to be something i don't think i can imagine

Ah sorry

willow token Aug 31, 2024, 3:55 AM

#

plain kindle Ah sorry

Wait i know one reason

#

Isn't it hard having to vent alone?

#

Well i mean

#

It doesn't have to be

#

But i think it was for me

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 3:56 AM

#

willow token Isn't it hard having to vent alone?

Sometimes

willow token Aug 31, 2024, 3:56 AM

#

plain kindle Sometimes

It feels unmotivating

#

But i hope that

#

My random presence along with cloie will give you some motivation needed in the times where it would feel nice to vent

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 3:57 AM

#

plain kindle Sometimes

But I like being listened too without having any pressure really, as in pressure of having to change what I’m venting about to comfort the other person when I’m trying to open up yk??

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 3:57 AM

#

willow token My random presence along with cloie will give you some motivation needed in the ...

Yeah, it already does pff

willow token Aug 31, 2024, 3:58 AM

#

plain kindle Yeah, it already does pff

You don't have to pressure to comfort me in my presence

#

So don't worry about that at all

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 3:59 AM

#

Thank you

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 4:26 AM

#

plain kindle Everybody has just been annoying, I don’t think there isn’t anybody I haven’t fo...

I never really had anyone actually show me love and care irl, it’s a nice feeling to know. When they’re always checking up on you and getting your attention, it’s comforting

#

I never even opened up to them, they don’t know anything about me. But they’re so kind, and treat me as a normal human being. how? Nobody is ever like that towards me, most likely people only treat me like a chore they need to do

#

But they include me in everything. And whenever we both seem down, physically that is. we check up on each other. I feel so, happy? About it, I’m not sure what word to describe it

#

But it’s nice, and I’m glad to actually have someone care about me

#

Well, back to my mood being ruined. My mom is letting her boyfriends family have a party at our house, I don’t really like talking to them since they are really distant towards me after the whole incident with him. But at least one of his family members actually respect me ig, she’s okay to be around. I’m more upset on the fact that my moms boyfriend is supposed to leave soon, because they’re both splitting up, and he hasn’t even started packing a slight bit! And, I think he’s trying to win my moms love back again by buying her gifts and helping around more. He never used to do that at all, let alone “change!” He’s a useless idiot who just smokes and drinks his life away.

#

And a piece of shit who sexually assaulted his girlfriends daughter!

#

I hope he starts packing to leave, SOON.

#

I hate him so much, but I also feel bad for my mom.

#

What is she gonna do? she’s gonna have to work while I take care of my sister.

#

Maybe my dad could help us? I’m not sure. I’m worried

#

I still blame myself, a bit.

#

I know I shouldn’t, but I feel like I’m ruining my moms life just to try and fix mine.

#

Even though she almost fully ruined mine.

outer stratus Aug 31, 2024, 12:05 PM

#

#

I hope this cheers you up!

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 4:16 PM

#

I was able to eat some breakfast

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 5:02 PM

#

plain kindle I was able to eat some breakfast

I threw up, so nvm

#

I feel horrible again

#

My head, stomach, and throat hurt

#

I want to relapse

#

I feel so alone and hopeless

#

I’m lightheaded and dizzy again

jovial wraith Aug 31, 2024, 5:21 PM

#

baloni you arent alone

#

you have us and we are trying to help

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 6:52 PM

#

Thank you Cloie

jovial wraith Aug 31, 2024, 7:59 PM

#

i may not having a eating disorder but i rather try and help. then let you well suffer like this

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 9:12 PM

#

Why can’t my mom just leave me alone

#

I’m so tired, I’ve already been helping out all day. And she wasn’t even home in the morning!

#

I just want to be left alone

#

She keeps bothering me, everything and everyone keep on bothering me. It’s so annoying, I just want to be alone and rest for a bit. It’s so frustrating

#

I’ve been able to eat well a bit, yet I still feel gross and sick doing so

#

I still want to kms, I want to relapse and the urges are worse everyday, I hate myself for wanting to be alone and hating whenever someone talks to me since I know they don’t have any bad intentions, and I just hate myself in general lmfao

#

Why can’t he just leave already, I hate him so much I just want him gone

jovial wraith Aug 31, 2024, 10:02 PM

#

hug

outer stratus Aug 31, 2024, 10:25 PM

#

I have no clue what I can say

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 10:33 PM

#

I cant swear anymore lmao

eager mauve Aug 31, 2024, 10:39 PM

#

plain kindle I cant swear anymore lmao

I can’t either

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 11:14 PM

#

Shit - WHY CANT I SWEAR

#

Oh nvm

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 11:35 PM

#

I wasn’t feeling that okay, I was freaking out, and I started to scratch myself with scissors to calm myself down. There was bumps for a bit, but they faded

#

I’m so exhausted, everything is the same

#

My head hurts and my body feels heavy again

#

But I guess it’s my fault right? I mean I can’t open up, so why would I even be complaining

#

I can barely talk about everything here, even when nobody even knows me

eager mauve Aug 31, 2024, 11:43 PM

#

plain kindle Shit - WHY CANT I SWEAR

You just can’t say duck

#

Just remove the d with an F

north prawn Aug 31, 2024, 11:43 PM

#

b word is cencorsed

north prawn Aug 31, 2024, 11:43 PM

#

eager mauve You just can’t say duck

check dms pookie

eager mauve Aug 31, 2024, 11:44 PM

#

north prawn check dms pookie

I’m reporting you

north prawn Aug 31, 2024, 11:44 PM

#

eager mauve I’m reporting you

mb

plain kindle Aug 31, 2024, 11:54 PM

#

plain kindle I can barely talk about everything here, even when nobody even knows me

And then from not being able to open up and holding everything in, I can barely help others with issues and they begin to think that I don’t care anymore or I’m rushing it.

#

But I do care, I just can’t help anyone else currently because I also need help from everything that I’ve built up. And I’m not even sure if that makes sense, and I probably sound like a selfish narcissist

#

I’m helping host a party for my mom’s boyfriend and his family/friends. I’m getting thoughts of wanting to steal a bottle of alcohol and just drink it or multiple in my room lmao

#

Not like my mom would notice, or anyone else really.

#

Probably not the best idea but oh well, I’m just gonna stay in my room all day atp

#

I feel like shit so I just need to get it off my chest, but; ||I planned to kill myself this week/weekend without telling anyone but I didn’t because the plan was to starve myself first and then attempt by downing a bunch of pills, also I didn’t know we were gonna have a party this weekend||

#

||I wanted to attempt with an empty stomach to be sure it worked||

#

||And also if it didn’t work I wouldn’t throw up a bunch and be as bad||

jovial wraith Sep 1, 2024, 12:28 AM

#

baloni..

#

please dont

#

i actually see you as a friend

#

and honestly, i get really attached to people like you.

#

so please dont do that

plain kindle Sep 1, 2024, 12:49 AM

#

I know, I know that I shouldn’t

jovial wraith Sep 1, 2024, 1:00 AM

#

hey Baloni, do you want to see animals, to make you feel better?

plain kindle Sep 1, 2024, 1:03 AM

#

Sure Cloie

jovial wraith Sep 1, 2024, 1:05 AM

#

640px-BIR_Grupp_2-_TIBETANSK_MASTIFF_Legenda_Tibeta_Temudzhin_23938629470.jpg

plain kindle Sep 1, 2024, 1:12 AM

#

Thanks Cloie 🩷

#

There’s this girl at the party, she’s a year older than me. I don’t feel comfortable being around her, she drinks, has done regretful things, and just makes me uncomfortable.

#

I’m in my room away from everyone, I don’t want to be bothered by her or anyone really

jovial wraith Sep 1, 2024, 1:21 AM

#

honestly, thats fine. its okay to feel uncomfortable. its quite reasonable

jovial wraith Sep 1, 2024, 1:57 AM

#

its okay to not feel alright

jovial wraith Sep 1, 2024, 2:34 AM

#

plain kindle Sep 1, 2024, 4:39 AM

#

plain kindle I’m in my room away from everyone, I don’t want to be bothered by her or anyone ...

Well she found me not even an hour later I said that.

#

But we bonded for a bit, so it was okay

#

I had to urge to drink so bad, I wanted to sneak off just to grab a can. But of course I couldn’t because there was people all over. so I got a non-alcoholic drink instead, but it could easily be mistaken for alcohol lmao. My mom approved though so it’s fine, I didn’t tell her about how I have urges to just down alcohol though lmao

willow token Sep 1, 2024, 5:07 AM

#

plain kindle I had to urge to drink so bad, I wanted to sneak off just to grab a can. But of ...

Well i think you should tell her

#

She may sure have a lot on her shoulders

#

But that will only help reassure her

#

and she shall try to take actions that are meant to protect you

plain kindle Sep 1, 2024, 5:12 AM

#

I’m pretty sure she would be the least of help, she’s the cause of almost everything. Even though she’s trying to be better, I’m not over what she’s done to me. Also, she’ll probably just send me off somewhere and be like “there, go help yourself”

willow token Sep 1, 2024, 5:13 AM

#

plain kindle I’m pretty sure she would be the least of help, she’s the cause of almost everyt...

Right

#

Sorry to mention such things this early

#

But let's pray for the progress then

#

Maybe one day

#

You will be able to forgive some

plain kindle Sep 1, 2024, 5:16 AM

#

it’s okay! And yeah maybe one day

plain kindle Sep 1, 2024, 6:48 AM

#

Bro this party is still going on, when is it gonna end omg. And I think the family is gonna stay overnight as well, I don’t want them to stay, because then that means my mom’s boyfriend is gonna sleep in MY room. Last time that happened I literally had a panic attack and had to secretly calm myself down while they were asleep.

#

And not to mention when he lashed out on the girl because he thought she was drinking

#

He’s so annoying and rude, I wish he could just leave already

#

And then when it was more in the morning I walked past him and he just pushed me? He was walking by and he put his hand out and nudged me on my arm

#

It hurt for a moment, I couldn’t say anything though because people were in front of us

#

I couldn’t throw up at all this entire time either, so even though I feel horrible I can’t throw up and it’s making me feel worse

#

I’m just gonna try to starve myself tmr bro

#

Oh and then there’s the urges to start drinking, and relapse

#

And basically do all the shit my step-brother (cousin) is doing

#

Even though the wounds are almost done healing it hurts to move my leg sometimes still

#

Oh and then I had a panic attack when the girl came into my room, I wasn’t trying to be obvious and hid myself from her while it past though

#

I wanted to be alone, and I’m not even sure why I was afraid at the moment

#

Then I also cried in the morning for a bit, while also venting here

#

I didn’t want to cry

#

At least I didn’t freak out lmfao, even when I haven’t fully expressed my emotions in over a few weeks

#

I’ve just been numb and holding it together

#

Which explains why I’ve been tired and drained all the time

plain kindle Sep 1, 2024, 7:47 AM

#

My mom told me she loves me.

#

I don’t think

#

She’s ever told me that

#

And actually meant it

#

It was always forced

#

I don’t know what to feel

jovial wraith Sep 1, 2024, 12:33 PM

#

jovial wraith Sep 1, 2024, 3:12 PM

#

wanna see some cats, Baloni?

plain kindle Sep 1, 2024, 3:40 PM

#

Sure Cloie!

jovial wraith Sep 1, 2024, 3:51 PM

#

meet Flash and Oreo. cats that i see on my walk home

#Rant yap❗