#Rant yap❗

1 messages · Page 4 of 1

plain kindle
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I might throw up when I’m back home

plain kindle
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I threw up lmao

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I couldn’t even throw up all the food

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I hate myself

plain kindle
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I just wanna relapse again

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I think one of my wounds got infected, but I was able to treat it and now it looks better

plain kindle
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I might relapse again

plain kindle
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I’m tired

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I don’t feel okay

plain kindle
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I had toast with coffee and I feel like throwing up again

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I told my mom I felt like throwing up and she just got mad at me

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Or upset

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It’s fine ig

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I might relapse again but I don’t have any bandages

plain kindle
plain kindle
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I’m not sure what to feel

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I’m just numb

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I should go deeper next time lmao

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My head hurts

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Fuck

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I feel dizzy

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I didn’t even lose a lot of blood? Why am I dizzy

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It’s fine ig

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I’ll be okay

plain kindle
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I wanna cry

jovial wraith
plain kindle
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Thank you Cloie <3 🫂

jovial wraith
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its okay to cry but i felt like you needed a hug

plain kindle
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I feel really dizzy and lightheaded, I’m starting to slowly fall asleep pff

jovial wraith
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go rest. you deserve it

plain kindle
plain kindle
jovial wraith
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ssKittyPat rest up and i hope you sleep well

plain kindle
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I rested for a bit

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I’m still dizzy and lightheaded though

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And I still don’t know why

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I feel so drained

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I’m starting to feel pressure in my head

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I feel weak and tired again

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I’m just gonna rest again

plain kindle
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I couldn’t fall back asleep

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I feel so dizzy

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I don’t want to get up, I don’t want to do anything

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I feel so alone

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And have been

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It went away for a bit

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But now it’s the same like how it was the other past years

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I wish I was cared about by the people I love

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I try my best to check in on everyone, and comfort the ones around me

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But then I’m left alone

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No one cares enough to talk to me or check up on me

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And when I try to open up I get ignored or they quickly change the subject

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Am I too exhausting?

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I don’t even reach out for advice, I just want comfort.

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But no, nobody cared for me

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and still nobody does

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Why is it all becoming like it was? Is my role to only please others?

jovial wraith
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i am here for the comfort

plain kindle
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Thank you Cloie 🩷🫶

jovial wraith
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if you need to talk about it, you can go to my dms. we can even talk about other issues and maybe become friends

plain kindle
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Thank you! , I’ll reach out to you when I can 🫶

jovial wraith
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and just to get this out there... one of my closest friends says i have saved them from ending themselves so.. i will do whatever i can to make you feel better

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i rather other feel better then feel like shit

plain kindle
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I’ll remember that, thank you. And I’ll reach out to you when I can, right now I just feel more comfortable ranting here

jovial wraith
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its okay. i completely udnerstand hug

plain kindle
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I don’t feel okay at all, I’m not okay

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I’m not sure what to do

jovial wraith
outer stratus
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Hey, I don’t know you, but my DMs are always open. Please never commit, I love you so much. Your life means so much. You are alive for a reason, let nature take you, not your own hand.

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This probably sounds empty, but I mean it. Life will get better, I promise you.

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I’ve read some of what you said to someone else, and want you to know that we can talk here too if you’d prefer that.

plain kindle
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I really fucked up because the cuts on my arm that I did on the first relapse have not healed fully yet, while the ones I did on my thigh are turning into white scars already, and I’m not sure why. Also the scars on my arm are gonna be really fucking visible and I’m gonna have to wear bracelets and longer sleeves every single day, well until they aren’t that noticeable anymore.

plain kindle
plain kindle
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I actually fucked up so bad omg. I’m going to my dads and I’m only used to wearing long sleeves there rather than a bunch of bracelets, but I don’t have any long sleeved clothing currently available and my dad’s gonna get suspicious as in why I’m wearing so many bracelets. And then my cousin (step-brother) is gonna notice and know I relapsed again, and then a bunch of shit is just gonna happen omfg

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I’m panicking I’m not sure what to do

jovial wraith
plain kindle
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Thank you Cloie 🩷

plain kindle
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I’m still panicking though

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I don’t feel okay

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I feel sick

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I might throw up again

plain kindle
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I don’t feel okay, but I can’t rlly tell anyone about it

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I’m in so much pain as well again

plain kindle
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I feel like I’m gonna throw up I feel horrible

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I can barley move my leg from the pain and I feel sick

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I hate this so much

plain kindle
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I threw up

jovial wraith
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you okay?

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i wish i could hug you irl and give you comfort

plain kindle
jovial wraith
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i really wish i could hug you irl

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and give you comfort but.. bad at comfort. the only way i know how to comfort is by hugs

plain kindle
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That’s okay Cloie, I appreciate your hugs 🫶

jovial wraith
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well. i give bear hugs irl so i am sure if i hugged you irl you would feel a lot better since i have infinite love and care to give out

plain kindle
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I don’t feel anything

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Step-brothers home

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Maybe I could just ask to try it
Only once? What could happen

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My life’s already ruined, how can you make something that’s already ruined worse?

eager mauve
plain kindle
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I’m gonna go nap

old flare
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Would also love to get to know you!!💜

eager mauve
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☠️

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I mean she’s not lying tho

old flare
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Yk I'm not lying, I smh give solid advice

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That you being a dumbass either follow or just overthink and look at hesitantly thinking if you should follow or ignore it

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We should 100% make a gc with me, baloni and you and me and baloni can gang up on you when we want to

eager mauve
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@plain kindle

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Would you like to be a in a gc with the nice lady?

old flare
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She's napping dummy🤦🏻‍♀️

old flare
eager mauve
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All she does is sleep all day

old flare
balmy prism
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is she okay

plain kindle
eager mauve
plain kindle
plain kindle
jovial wraith
plain kindle
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Hiii Cloie

jovial wraith
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hey

plain kindle
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I hate myself so much
I’m not good enough, I’ll never be good enough

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I’m getting worse from my ed

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I feel sick to eat

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I don’t want to eat, or I’ll throw up

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I’m able to eat more at my dad’s, but I can go days without any food when I’m with my mom

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It’s tiring

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I’m literally killing myself from it, everyday I’m hurting my body more and more

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And it’s just gonna get worse

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I’m afraid, because it could literally get to the point where my brain eats itself

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I’m scared

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What if I never get the help I need

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What if one day I die because of it

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I have to fucking live with this for the rest of my life

plain kindle
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Oh killing my self didn’t work, but I’m gonna fucking die from an eating disorder!

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“Oh it’s only gonna make you lose a little weight!” “You’ll be fine!” IT’S A LIFE THREATENING MENTAL ILLNESS.

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I DONT HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD, AND IT’S KILLING ME.

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I COULD DIE BECAUSE OF IT.

plain kindle
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I hate myself so much

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I feel like I’m losing my mind

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I want to throw up again

jovial wraith
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you deserve love

plain kindle
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I feel better I think

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I’m chatting with a friend and I feel better

plain kindle
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Can’t wait to not eat properly at my moms haha

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I feel like throwing up

plain kindle
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She just gets upset at me

plain kindle
jovial wraith
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hug well i care

plain kindle
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I don’t feel okay again

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I’m going back to my moms today

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I feel horrible

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I just want to relapse again

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I’m afraid, I don’t know what to do

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I can’t do this all on my own

jovial wraith
plain kindle
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I feel so drained

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I’m not sure what I’m gonna do

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What if I just give up again

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What if it all just stays in this terrible loop

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It never got better

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I was just avoiding the problem

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Instead of trying to actually get help

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I ignored all of it

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I don’t think I’ll ever get better

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I already gave up so long ago

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Why couldn’t I have died

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Why did it never work

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I’m useless

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I can’t even kill myself correctly

torn nexus
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Dear Baloni, i dont know you at all and i wont be giving advice since i sincerely right now dont know what to tell you and i dont want to make up some bs. I know that you maybe have heard it all before but literally killing urself is never the right answer. I really am wishing you all the best and i hope in the least to just give you some kind of hope that some things take time to heal and to solve.

plain kindle
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I’m finally home at my mom’s, but she isn’t home. I’m not sure where she went, probably to just run an errand or something. But I’m home alone with her boyfriend again, and I don’t feel okay at all. Especially since I’m still suspicious about when they barged in when I was undressed to shower, even though it was obvious the bathroom was being used. I want to relapse, I feel like crying.

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My mom is home now

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I need to distract myself but how
Each time I try to it never works

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I’m so tired of all of this

jovial wraith
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i hope you know this baloni, i go back here as i want to see how you are doing. hoping you are feeling better but no one is truly "alright"

you are strong. you are important. just dont end yourself

plain kindle
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I just woke up, and I went to check on my cuts. One of them has a slight small green spot inside, which ISN’t good at all. I’m not sure if it’s just a scab reflecting on the light, but I’m worried

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It’s either infected, or it’s just a brown scab again

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I’m still gonna clean the inside of it though

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I cleaned it and it was just a brown scab, not infected! yayy

jovial wraith
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i am so glad you are feeling better

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i will be cheering from the side lines at all times for you

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AMcheer you got this!

plain kindle
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I keep having these “attacks” where I lose control of my body and start shaking horribly fast. Whenever it happens I feel nervous and a tight feeling in my chest always appears. The thing is, I can’t control myself when it happens? I start pulling my hair and scratching myself uncontrollable

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It’s weird, and it happened to me today. I barely get them though so I think it’s fine

jovial wraith
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uhhhhh

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either panic or anxiety attack

plain kindle
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Oh okay, thank you Cloie!

plain kindle
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My mom made me eat

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I feel sick

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I think I’m gonna throw up again

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I hate myself so much why do I act the way I do

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I want to relapse again

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I should relapse again

jovial wraith
plain kindle
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I’m so tired

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I hate myself so fucking much

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I want to relapse

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Maybe if I go deep enough I’ll be cared for

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haha

jovial wraith
plain kindle
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Maybe I should relapse

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Just quickly

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What if I go deeper this time

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I want to go deeper

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I need to go deeper

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Fuck it, I deserve it anyway

plain kindle
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I can’t. I can’t do this

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I’m a horrible person

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I can’t do anything right

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I mess up every little thing

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I can’t even keep my friendships stable

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I hate the scars

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I don’t want to see them

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I want them to fade

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I don’t want to have a reminder of all of this

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I hate myself

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I don’t deserve anything

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Why did I have to live

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Why did I have to be saved

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I’m just ruining everything

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I don’t want to live

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I don’t want to be here at all

plain kindle
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||Just to make me feel numb||

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||4, 4 is fine.||

plain kindle
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||I don’t have any rolled gauze so I’m using bandaids||

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||okay maybe I shouldnt have used bandaids 😭||

oblique ibex
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Oh god, are you okay? I am so sorry you're feeling this way, Baloni. Did you clean up the cuts properly? I truly hope you do feel better. I feel bad for you. I hope tomorrow goes better for you. You're an awesome person, you seem very sweet and everything. You matter. 🫂

plain kindle
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I’m okay I think, and I did clean up the cuts properly. Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it 🩷 !

oblique ibex
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Of course, Baloni.

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If you need to, you could always dm me, if you want

jovial wraith
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hey Baloni. how are you today?

plain kindle
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I feel okay right now

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I just got back from an errand my mom sent me to do lol

jovial wraith
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oh okay

plain kindle
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I was able to eat yayay

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But I still feel sick

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My mom kept ranting about my dad while I was eating, it was annoying since It was distracting me from actually eating a bit, and because she said messed up shit about him
I mean yeah he was a horrible man, I will say that, but could you please just leave me alone??

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My mom told me that he wanted to abort me, and that he never believed I was actually his kid until I grew and looked exactly like him

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Like?? Gee, didn’t need to know that mom

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And then she said she didn’t even know how she got pregnant with me?? Like I was some sort of weird and unexpected thing that happened?

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What a great thing to tell your kid! Haha

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It definitely doesn’t fuck up the way they see their parents!

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Especially when they’re young!

plain kindle
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I threw up again

jovial wraith
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MiruHug i hope you feel better

plain kindle
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Thank you Cloie !

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I feel weak again and I almost passed out

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My vision went almost fully black

oblique ibex
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Oh my, are you okay?

plain kindle
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I think so, I just feel really tired lol

oblique ibex
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Well, make sure you take it easy, Baloni

plain kindle
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Thank you Milo

oblique ibex
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You're welcome

plain kindle
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I feel so tired

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Again lmao

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I feel like throwing up again even though I haven’t eaten since the afternoon

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I feel so much guilt for actually eating

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My body dysmorphia is getting worse again as well

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What if I lose weight for not eating properly again

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I feel so sick

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I already lost a few lbs from it, I told my mom and she’s just proud of me??

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Like usual she won’t care unless I’m underweight

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I feel so disgusted of myself

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I don’t want to go back to that habit, I was barely starting to get better. But at the same time, I do

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Why do I want to go back to that? Why do I care about how my mom views me so much?

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“Maybe if I’m at an unhealthy low weight she’ll care for me.”

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Maybe it’s true

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I want to relapse

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But I’m trying to stay clean for at least a couple of days

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Why do the scars hurt?? I move my leg (where the scars are), and they hurt. They’re fresh ones too, but I’m not sure why?

plain kindle
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I’m so tired of being ignored and mistreated by everyone around me

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Even when I reach out they don’t care and just ignore me

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The suicidal thoughts never went away, I wish I died I wish the attempts would have worked every single day

oblique ibex
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I am truly sorry you are going through this and I do hope everything gets better for you. You deserve the best, Baloni. You really do. You are such a sweet person, you deserve everything good. :(

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I could just give you the biggest hug rn 🫂

plain kindle
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Thank you so much, Milo really 🫂

oblique ibex
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Of course, Baloni, I just want everything good for you

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You deserve and need it

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You're truly a great person

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💗

plain kindle
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🩷🫶

oblique ibex
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🫶tylersmile

plain kindle
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The thoughts are back again and worse

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I don’t have anything to distract myself with

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I hate this so much

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I can’t do this anymore

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What if I just end it all tonight

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I’m not sure anymore

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Fuck

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My mind is all over the place

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I don’t feel okay

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I’m not okay

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I don’t want to do this anymore

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I don’t want to live anymore

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Just let me die

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I want to die

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I can’t handle all of this

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But I can’t kill myself

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Can I?

brisk oracle
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It will end the suffering

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No

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How old r u right now?

plain kindle
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13

brisk oracle
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Don’t give up on life, when I was a similar age to you I had a traumatic experience where I was SAd

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I got PTSD from it

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And I thought my world was over

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I tried to kill myself many times

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But failed

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Then as time went on

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I had to realize that

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There is so much more to life than this bubble I’ve been in

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Hell if where I live is traumatic then when I’m done high school i can leave

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And never come back

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There’s a whole world out there

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It’s not all bad

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And sometimes you can feel like the misery and the trauma is everything

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But death isn’t how you escape

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Do you have good grades in school?

plain kindle
#

mhm

brisk oracle
plain kindle
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maybe

brisk oracle
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It seems like the atmosphere your in right now isn’t healthy for you at all

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What I would do if I were you

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Based on my experience

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Is try to leave that atmosphere or bubble where all the trauma came from

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I grew up in a small town in the US

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It’s full of terrible memories and trauma

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And I felt like that was everything

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But it wasn’t

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I realized I was in a bubble and I needed to expand my view on life

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Would you be open to moving to a different area in your country or a different country altogether

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?

plain kindle
brisk oracle
# plain kindle mhm

If I were you I know it’s early for your age but I would start researching university’s abroad and see which one you like the most

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I left my area in the US and moved to Canada and I escaped the toxic atmosphere that I was in before

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And slowly started to rebuild my life

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Now I start university in two years and I’m planning on going to Uni in the UK and starting a life over there

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Sometimes you have to put yourself first

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Sometimes it’s hard to let go but trust me you will heal

plain kindle
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thank you

brisk oracle
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You will need a lot of patience though as it takes time

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But time heals all wounds

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If you feel trapped just know there is a whole world waiting for you out there with amazing experiences you just need to get good grades and graduate high school lol

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Nothing lasts forever and what I try to do when I feel hopeless that helps me is invision myself in 10 years

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I invision myself having a completely different life in a completely different country and having the strength that I don’t have now

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You will be an adult eventually and then you will no longer be trapped

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You will be free to do whatever you want

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Go wherever

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Speak to whoever

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Travel anywhere

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If you feel hopeless think of all the places you want to visit things you want to do and life you want to live

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It will happen you just need to be patient

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May god bless you 🫶 I wish you all the best if you need any support let me know I’ll always be here for you

plain kindle
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thank you so much 🩷

jovial wraith
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hey Baloni.

i have this thing i do where its like... little mini quests for myself.

it makes me feel better once you complete it. so maybe you can use these mini quests for yourself to feel better

plain kindle
jovial wraith
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it can be useful! it has helped me out so maybe it can help you

outer stratus
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@plain kindle feel free to reach out if you ever need to. I’m so sad to hear that you relapsed. Just remember that you are so much stronger than you think.
It might be a good idea to get help for your ED.

plain kindle
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Thank you 🫶 , and I’m trying to see where I’m able to get help, even if it’s just at home

plain kindle
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I feel so weak

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I think my moms getting food, I’ll try to eat that

jovial wraith
plain kindle
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I was able to eat

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But I feel like throwing up

plain kindle
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I threw up
Fucking great

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Why did I even eat

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I couldn’t even throw up half of the food

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My legs feel weak

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I can barely stand

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I hate myself

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I genuinely like nothing about myself

potent talon
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I think your stomach is not good

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u should do a check up

plain kindle
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Yeah maybe

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I regret even eating today

potent talon
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Shouldn't be

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Be glad you ate

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Because your stomach is rejecting food like that's baf

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bad

plain kindle
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Thank you

jovial wraith
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i hope you feel better

plain kindle
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Why does my mom think every mental illness can be “cured” if you just workout or get a job? My aunt has a daughter and she’s on antidepressants, and my mom had the nerve to tell my aunt to take her off the antidepressants and make her go get a job?

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And then said that’s how she’ll be “cured” like HUH??

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Yeah no thanks, if that’s how she reacts I don’t think I want to get help from her.

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What if it’s too late for me? What if I’m like this forever. Am I even a good person? I mean I’m selfish, and self destructive. I don’t even think I can be “fixed” anymore. It’s like, I’m a broken piece of glass, with so many pieces missing, and no matter how hard you try to glue and fix it back all together again, it’ll never be fully fixed.

potent talon
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Well you can't be fixed at any moment but you can make a change if u want to get out of the situation

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Also you can't fix a broken glass. You have to buy a new one to be able to change

plain kindle
# plain kindle What if it’s too late for me? What if I’m like this forever. Am I even a good pe...

There’s nobody that I’ve known in my life, that has been happy for knowing me. It really doesn’t get better or easier, and I can’t keep lying to myself that it is. I don’t even think I’m gonna live to see my friends graduate high school. I’m never okay, I beg and cry every single day to be taken away at least in my sleep. And maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. Suicide isn’t great, or the best option. But what else can I offer? I’ve tried everything, every single little thing, and it never changed. Nothing has changed, and it won’t. I’m an unhealthy thing that goes into peoples lives and ruins them, I can’t even take care of myself anymore. I’m seriously a lost worthless piece of shit, and I really am hopeless now. So many people that I had to leave and abandon just because I didn’t want to hurt them, because I know if I did stay they would have to live with the fact that I am not okay, and everyday they’ll just be worrying about me. They’ll become drained, and sooner or later eventually leave me because of how much of a mess I am. I don’t see the point in living anymore if everyday is just gonna be the same. I really am just a shitty person, that makes everyone else’s lives more worse then how it already is

potent talon
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You just haven't seen the other side yet. Because you're stuck on the trap

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That's the hard truth but with self respect and trust, you'll be able to free yourself

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Reason you're not dying at the moment is because there's so many doors opened for you to get out. Maybe you have a chain but that chain is weak and you could just easily tug it and it'll break

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Dying is for the merciless and people who had done a lot

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You haven't done a lot other than to wish to pass away

plain kindle
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I’ve done the best that I can, the most that I’m able to do. And yet it doesn’t change

jovial wraith
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hug you matter.

plain kindle
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I’m meaningless, I just fill in a blank in peoples lives until eventually they realize how much better they would be without me

potent talon
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There's always a light at the end of a dark tunnel

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You're not lazy

plain kindle
potent talon
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If everyone leaves always remember they're not meant to stay in your life either. You're the only one who's able to stay alive for yourself. Don't depend on people, especially the ones who doesn't know how to put themselves in your shoes. You have to save yourself from this

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Have some resilience and a positive mindset

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Just because your situation is cruel doesn't mean future will be cruel. Life is very unfair so you have to set your own sail and control the directions

potent talon
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That's one good step

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You just need to continue and to not give up

plain kindle
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Thank you Mary

potent talon
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It's alright

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Just remember to live for yourself and not for people and have good morals (don't hurt others and don't use your trauma as a mean to do harm)

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Continue to fight

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And don't give up

plain kindle
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I’m gonna get a snack cause I actually feel good enough to eat something lmao

potent talon
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noice

jovial wraith
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hug baloni, i hope you are doing alright

plain kindle
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I feel so tired and I’m not even sure why

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I don’t want to eat at all because then I’ll feel sick and throw up

plain kindle
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My mom brought me food and I just finished eating

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But I actually feel so sick

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It’s starting to become concerning

chilly knot
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thats not good

chilly knot
plain kindle
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I feel horrible

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Why is it becoming even worse again

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I hate this

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I want to relapse

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I’m always ignored or pushed away

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Am I too clingy? Maybe I’m too annoying or sensitive

#

Is there something wrong with me that people don’t like being around me

#

Or even talking to me

#

I feel so alone, I am alone

#

It’s been like this for so long

#

I have friends but they all ignore me

#

Maybe there is something wrong with me

#

Maybe it is my fault for being like this

plain kindle
#

Even when I find people they eventually all leave me

#

and yes I do find ways to distract myself, but I seriously cannot keep doing that anymore. It’s not working as much as it used too

#

I just wish I was actually cared for

#

I wish people actually cared enough to even check up on me or talk to me

#

But no

#

I’m not even seen

#

I’m just gonna end up alone again

#

I’m gonna be alone forever

#

I’m gonna die alone

#

With nobody to remember me

#

What’s even the point

#

Of all of this

#

If it’s just gonna end up the same

jovial wraith
#

your not alone in this server

plain kindle
#

I feel like crying

#

I’m not okay at all

plain kindle
#

I can’t stop crying

#

I don’t want to cry

#

I hate myself so fucking much

#

I deserve to die

#

I don’t deserve anything in life

#

What if I just attempt again, before the start of school

#

It would be better

jovial wraith
plain kindle
#

It would all be better for everyone

jovial wraith
#

i will keep giving hugs until you feel better

plain kindle
#

Thank you Cloie

plain kindle
#

I threw up

#

I couldn’t throw up all the food

#

I have a headache

#

And my legs feel weak

#

I can barely stand

plain kindle
#

I’m hungry but I don’t want to eat

plain kindle
#

I feel like throwing up

#

I’m dizzy and lightheaded

#

My head hurts

#

I think I’m gonna pass out

#

I don’t feel well

jovial wraith
plain kindle
#

I’ve been clean for almost a week, the wounds are still healing, why is it taking so long ughh. Especially the ones from 3-2 weeks ago, and the ones on my arm. It’s taking so long, but why??

#

I don’t really feel okay right now, but I’m trying to distract myself

plain kindle
#

I don’t feel safe

#

I’m with my cousin (step-brother) and his friend again

plain kindle
#

Oh cool they’re doing some shit while driving

#

Definitely not unsafe

#

Especially with a kid in the car lmao

plain kindle
#

He’s driving crazy

#

I’m afraid

#

I hit my head from how he’s driving lmao

#

He dropped his phone under the car seat and got mad at me for not being able to get it, and then shoved me when he tried to grab it again 😭

plain kindle
#

I’m back home

plain kindle
#

I’m going back to my moms today

plain kindle
plain kindle
#

My arm hurts a lot, and it’s not the one with the wounds

#

It just started hurting today

#

I’m not sure if I hit it while my cousin was driving recklessly??

#

it hurts to move it

#

I think I actually messed up my arm pretty bad

#

Fuck

#

The pain goes down to my hand

#

I don’t even know what happened to it

#

It hurts a lot

#

I’m gonna try to tell my mom but I’m not sure

plain kindle
#

I’m home at my moms now

plain kindle
#

And how did he not get pulled over, we literally almost crashed. He took it too far that time, seriously

#

I’m getting used to the arm pain though, but it’s still there lmao

jovial wraith
#

hey have you been trying those mini side missions i recommended?

plain kindle
#

Yeah a bit

#

I have a headache rn

#

I’m tired pff

#

And my arm still hurts

jovial wraith
#

i hope you do those as i dont want you to suffer

plain kindle
#

I do, and it’s helped a bit

#

Turns out, and I haven’t noticed until right now. When I move my head to the left, it hurts on the right side of my neck. At least I know I did get hurt from when I bumped my head, it hurt my neck? Wtf

#

Great! Really fucking great!

#

How do I even explain how I got hurt, “Oh my cousin(step-brother) was on a substance and kept driving recklessly which caused me to injure myself”

#

Fuck sake

#

And just when he stops doing cocaine for a bit he does this?

#

Now I can’t turn my fucking head because it hurts my neck!

plain kindle
#

I feel so sick

#

I ate 2 meals a day for literally only 2 days and now I feel really sick and horrible

plain kindle
#

The pain in my neck went away, but my arm still hurts

hardy bough
#

I’d say that if you did kill yourself some ppl wouldn’t get over it

#

dying is one thing it makes you sad and you do feel a bit of guilt for every bad thing you did

#

But when someone kills there selves pepole might wonder if it’s there fault

#

I would suggest not killing your self

#

Every time you think abt doing it please do the breathing thingy

#

Take three deep breaths and breath out three times

#

If you feel like you’ll puke while doing it let go of some air

#

Always count to three before breathing out unless you feel like throwing up

plain kindle
#

Genuinely

#

What’s wrong with me?

plain kindle
plain kindle
#

I’m so drained

#

My arm still hurts

#

I don’t wanna get up I don’t want to do anything

jovial wraith
#

e_hug i hope you feel better

plain kindle
#

Thank you 🫶

plain kindle
#

I ate my vitamin gummy’s

plain kindle
#

I was able to eat a bit of salmon and broccoli

jovial wraith
#

yay thats good!

plain kindle
#

I took a nap and I just woke up

#

But I feel weird

#

Like it’s hard to breathe a bit

#

And I feel a bit panicked

plain kindle
#

I started panicking when I saw my moms boyfriend again

#

I should be over it by now

#

He just kept staring at me

#

I need to eat but I don’t have an appetite

plain kindle
#

My moms gonna want me to eat more but there literally is nothing to eat

#

And I can’t make anything either

#

I might just go on a walk

#

And now I feel like throwing up

#

Great

#

I threw up

#

And I think I might throw up again

plain kindle
#

My head hurts

#

I didn’t throw up again which is good

plain kindle
#

My stomach hurts

#

I don’t have an appetite to eat again

jovial wraith
plain kindle
#

I haven’t eaten and my head is starting to hurt a bit

#

All I’ve had was water and my vitamin gummies

#

And I still don’t have an appetite

plain kindle
#

My moms gonna take me to get something to eat

jovial wraith
#

i hope you feel better, Baloni and maybe use this as a moment to use those mini pick me up that are those side missions

plain kindle
#

Thank you, and I’ll try to. I’m not really sure what to do pff

plain kindle
#

I finished eating

#

But I feel sick

#

I feel like throwing up

#

I didn’t even eat a lot to make me feel like this

#

And I ate slowly

#

Why do I still feel sick

#

Fuck

#

I’m going to the bathroom just in case I do throw up

#

I threw up a bit

#

Damnit

plain kindle
#

I still feel sick

#

I just have to let it pass

plain kindle
#

I accidentally hurt my dog and I hate myself so much over it, I feel so bad.
I was in my room laying down on my bed again, and I guess my mind was playing tricks on me again because I kept hearing footsteps outside of my room? When clearly nobody was outside, that was when I heard it right outside of my door. And I immediately started getting flashbacks and began to panic. My room is currently pitch black. So I rushed up off of my bed, grabbed my phone to use as a flashlight, and went to check behind my door to reassure and comfort myself that nobody was behind it nor nobody was there to harm me in any way. I did all of that in a rush without checking my surroundings. Which was when I didn’t see my dog, who was on my carpet laying there licking her paw, and I accidentally stepped on her. Even worse, I stepped on her jaw, and on her tooth. This made me panic even more and worse since I was already shaking and getting flashbacks. Once I checked on her she was bleeding out of her mouth. I tried to clean it the best I could. She seemed fine after I cleaned it and kept licking me and wagging her tail. But I still feel horrible. I feel like a horrible person, I should’ve tried to calm down before I got up. I’m so dumb, I hate myself.

outer stratus
jovial wraith
plain kindle
plain kindle
#

“You eat so much” - my mom when she sees me eat 3 meals a day

#

Like damn okay I’ll just never recovery again then 🥲

plain kindle
#

I just finished eating and I already feel like throwing up

plain kindle
#

I didn’t throw up 👍

oblique ibex
#

Good job!

plain kindle
#

Thank youu!!

oblique ibex
#

Of course!

plain kindle
#

I want to relapse

#

I feel like relapsing almost everyday

#

The urge is always there

#

Never leaving

#

Even with distractions

#

I feel

#

Numb

#

Why do I always feel numb?

#

The thoughts

#

The suicidal thoughts never went away, and they never will, will they?

#

Even with the person who loves me, who I want to be here for

#

That thought

#

Always and for some reason

#

Never goes away

#

Thinking about the chance everyday

#

And the reason why I don’t

#

What’s the point? For it all to become useless memories?

#

For it all to turn into something I can look back too, and question where it all went?

#

We all die at some point, mine would just be sooner. So why don’t I just retry already?

#

Am I afraid?

#

I know that I’m not, because I l’ve tried multiple times, and I have the chance every single day to retry

#

But why don’t I?

#

I already lost care for how others would view it

#

And I know that’s selfish and I probably seem like a narcissist

#

But seriously, they would all move on with life. “Life gets better”, right? So they would be okay. Everybody would be okay!

#

So why can’t I fucking do it?!

#

Is there something wrong with me?

potent talon
#

Because

#

All you think is giving up

#

The reason why people manages to get better with the same situation as you was because they chose to fight

#

They never gave in. It wasn't a sin to give in if you can't take it. But to dream of having a better life is to fight for it instead

#

What's the point of life gets better if no one truly anticipates of what they shall do

#

It's okay Baloni, there's still a chance and we're rooting for you to be free

plain kindle
#

Thank you, Mary

plain kindle
#

Great

#

My mom got me grapes

#

2nd times a charm lmao

#

I need to try and not throw up because I seriously need to eat more

plain kindle
#

So I’m gonna try and eat the grapes ig

plain kindle
#

I feel like throwing up again fuck

plain kindle
#

I didn’t throw up

fringe obsidian
#

@plain kindle all the things you said I never ever have experienced it thank god no one should
But honey you are so strong trust me when I say this
You have the guts to share this to everyone when most people can't
And you're gonna have everything you want in your life trust the process and yourself
Sorry if I said something wrong

eager mauve
#

HEY BALONI

#

@plain kindle

eager mauve
plain kindle
eager mauve
#

YOU SHUSH

plain kindle
#

NO YOU

eager mauve
#

I’m so sorry about her she’s very shy and mean

plain kindle
#

STFU

plain kindle
#

Don’t give me a warning pls

plain kindle
fringe obsidian
#

It's okay you can take your time
And you can reach out to me anytime, whenever you feel like

jovial wraith
#

e_clap im so happy to hear you are doing better Baloni!

plain kindle
#

I’m losing weight again

#

And I think my mom noticed

#

But

#

It’s not as bad as last time

#

I’ll be okay I think

plain kindle
plain kindle
#

I haven’t even eaten and I feel sick?

plain kindle
#

I want to relapse

plain kindle
#

I feel sick

#

My hair is falling out a bit again

plain kindle
#

I feel dizzy

plain kindle
#

I don’t want to eat at all

#

I feel so sick

#

But I have to or my mom is gonna yell at me

#

I’ll just wait when she’s done eating

jovial wraith
#

hug i hope you are okay

plain kindle
#

I’m gonna try to eat again

#

Just hopefully I don’t throw up again

jovial wraith
#

baloni, i have to go to bed but i am so proud of you

#

i am proud about how far you have gotten. you got this i believe in you

plain kindle
#

Thank you Cloie ! 🩷🩷

#

And rest well 🫶

#

I finished eating

#

I’m just gonna wait a bit

#

And try to not throw up

oblique ibex
#

I'm proud of you for eating, Baloni. I do hope you don't throw up though, but don't feel bad if you do, its alright

plain kindle
#

Thank you Milo 🫶

#

I feel a bit sick rn, but I’m trying pff

oblique ibex
#

I believe in you, and I hope you feel better

#

Sometimes when I feel like puking, I would drink some tea

#

Usually peppermint, it helps me sometimes

oblique ibex
plain kindle
oblique ibex
#

Of course, you're welcome!

#

I hope it helps

plain kindle
#

I forgot to say it, but I threw up. I didn’t have any peppermint tea, or tea in general to help either.

#

It wasn’t that bad

#

So it’s okay ig

oblique ibex
#

Sorry I saw this late

plain kindle
#

It’s okay, and yeah I’m feeling better now

oblique ibex
#

Alright, that's good

#

I'm very glad

plain kindle
#

Thank you 🫶

oblique ibex
#

Of course, Baloni

plain kindle
#

I keep having thoughts of wanting to cut my arm or neck open whenever I feel like relapsing

#

It’s weird

jovial wraith
#

i am still so proud of you baloni. you are actually eating and i even told my mimi about this post and she understand about the whole eating disorder.

#

i am so proud of you

plain kindle
#

Thank you Cloie, I really mean it and appreciate it. There’s still a lot to do though, but I’ll get through it ! 🩷🫶

plain kindle
#

I’m going to the fair todayy, but it’s with my mom’s boyfriends family. It’s okay though, they’re not so bad ig

#

And my scars are hurting again

#

Why does that happen so much??

#

Especially the ones that pop out

plain kindle
#

I haven’t eaten, mainly because I don’t have an appetite again
And now I feel dizzy, nauseous, and tired again

plain kindle
#

I need to eat something but I really don’t want to

#

I feel gross

#

And I don’t have an appetite for anything

plain kindle
#

I’m at the fair with my moms boyfriends family rn

#

And theres a game where balloons are popping and the popping sound keeps making me flinch, like it’s triggering me lmao

#

Agh I hate it, but I won a few prizes so it’s good pff

#

I got a lemonade

plain kindle
#

I didn’t eat anything here

#

It’s too late now, I’ll just try tomorrow

plain kindle
#

My head hurts so much

#

And I have no idea if it’s from the rides or from not eating lmao

#

Probably both atp

outer stratus
#

I farted

plain kindle
#

You’re so real

plain kindle
#

I have to go to my dads today

#

I don’t want to go

#

But I have to or else I’m gonna feel bad

#

They’re gonna make me eat and I’m gonna feel sick and not be able to throw up

#

I don’t feel okay

#

I just want to be left alone

#

I don’t want to see them

#

Or anyone

#

Now I’m gonna be in a bad mood, and everyone’s gonna get annoyed of me

jovial wraith
#

hey baloni

#

you matter

plain kindle
#

They made me eat, even after I told them I wasn’t hungry and after I told them I ate at my moms (obviously a lie.)

#

I just ate two enchiladas, but I still feel sick

#

I just wanna go home

plain kindle
#

I ate a piece of fruit that my cousin gave me, and some duritos my dad gave me

#

I feel sick and regret but it’s wtv

#

Totally not gonna check my weight again after I get home lmao

plain kindle
#

My head hurts so much

#

I don’t feel okay

#

I want to go home

#

I want to throw up

#

I feel gross

#

I feel horrible

#

I just want to go home

#

I want to cry

#

I feel like relapsing

#

There’s so much going on

#

And so many thoughts going through my head

#

I don’t know what to feel

#

It’s gonna be 7 in a bit and I’m not home

#

I want to be home

#

I don’t want to be here

#

Why did I eat

#

Why did I decide to come

#

I’m so dumb

#

My body hurts

#

Everything hurts

#

I keep having thoughts about running away

#

I’ve had them for a bit now

#

Honestly if it gets worse with family and etc, I might just do that

oblique ibex
#

I am so sorry you're feeling all of this, Baloni. You don't deserve this. I truly hope you feel better. You deserve better. I wish all good for you.

plain kindle
#

Thank you Milo

oblique ibex
#

You're welcome, Baloni

#

I know you're not feeling the best right now and this is probably not the time to say this but I wanted to say that I really like your name !

#

But again, I hope everything goes well for you

plain kindle
oblique ibex
#

You're very welcome!

jovial wraith
plain kindle
#

Relapsed

#

And I have school tmr

#

How nice

#

Oh and it’s a deep cut too

#

Hopefully no infection! Haha!

#

Theres a lot of blood lmao

plain kindle
#

I’m dizzy

#

I think I lost a bit of blood

#

uh

#

I’m just gonna go to bed

#

I can’t walk much

plain kindle
#

I can’t seem to fall asleep

#

But that feeling

#

This feeling

#

It’s as if I’m dizzy, but also “unsteady”?

#

I think I’m getting sick as well

#

Just great

jovial wraith
#

i will be proud of you no matter what

plain kindle
#

I don’t know if I’m gonna eat today

#

I don’t have an appetite and I feel gross again

plain kindle
#

Fuck I ripped my hair out a bit

#

My mom kept bothering and annoying me and I get angry pretty easily, and I pulled on my hair from frustration and I pulled it out

jovial wraith
#

are you okay

plain kindle
#

Yeah

#

I doesn’t hurt so I think it’s fine

jovial wraith
#

hug heres a hug anyway

plain kindle
#

Thank you Cloie 🩷

jovial wraith
#

i just feel like sometimes people need hugs

plain kindle
#

That’s true, thanks Cloie 🫶

jovial wraith
#

you are welcome

plain kindle
#

I’ll just try to eat tomorrow

#

It’s late anyway

plain kindle
#

He’s leaving.

#

He’s finally leaving..

#

My head feels heavy

#

I haven’t been eating well

#

I want to cry

#

I’m not okay

#

I don’t know why I tell everyone that I am

#

I need help

#

I want help

#

But why do I reject it all the time?

#

I really don’t feel okay

#

I can’t stop crying

#

Why can’t I stop

#

My head hurts so fucking bad

#

I’m shaking

#

I’m just gonna go to bed

jovial wraith
plain kindle
#

I still haven’t eaten

#

If so don’t eat today it’ll be 2 days without eating

jovial wraith
#

hey baloni, wanna hear something if it makes you laugh?

#

i named a cricket Jiminy

20240819_203342.jpg
plain kindle
#

Pff aww 😭🩷

jovial wraith
#

did that make you feel better

plain kindle
#

Yeah

#

Thank you Cloie 🫶🫶

jovial wraith
#

seriously, he was just chilling on my laptop and i was like: " you are jiminy now"

plain kindle
#

Pfff

plain kindle
#

I’m gonna eat

#

Or try too at least

#

I think my moms noticing that I’m not eating

plain kindle
#

Great I threw up lmao

#

Why did I even eat

#

I feel so gross

#

I should’ve just not ate again

#

I feel sick

#

I hate myself

#

I want to relapse again

#

I’m so tired

#

My rooms a mess

#

I feel lightheaded

#

Today was my 2nd day back to school

#

I don’t want to go anymore lol

#

I dont feel okay again

#

I want to relapse

#

So then I’ll feel better

#

I don’t want to talk to anyone but I still have to try because then everyone’s gonna think I’m ignoring them, and I’m gonna be viewed as a horrible person. When in reality I’m just drained tf out and struggling 24/7

#

When my moms boyfriend leaves she’s gonna have to work again

#

I feel bad for her

#

She loved him

#

But I hate him

#

But, I still feel horrible

#

I feel like as if I made the wrong choice

#

And now by my actions and decision she’s going to be suffering

#

Because of me

#

I’m a horrible daughter

#

I’m a horrible friend

#

I’m a horrible person

#

I hate myself so much

#

I want to die

#

I seriously just want to end it all

#

I just want to try

#

At least again

#

I didn’t think I would still be alive by the time school started

#

Why am I still here

#

Why was I stopped

#

I don’t want to do this anymore

#

I seriously cannot help anyone else

#

Like I cannot, I can’t comfort them

#

I have to much to deal with, and it’s hard to help someone else while I’m trying to help myself

#

But

#

I have too, or else I’m a selfish, stupid, and evil person

outer stratus
#

I understand that part if you dont do one thing someone ask of you you automatically feel selfish or they make you feel bad i have that issue to i have no idea what advice to give other then once u realize the world mostly does revolve around you you will feel more at ease because at the end of the day we all have to take care of ourselves first no matter what and not other people otherwise you go down a hole where you have no time for yourself its constant protection of your time and your needs to live in this world

plain kindle
#

I want to know it’s going to be okay, I want to be held, knowing I’m safe and loved. By someone I love most. But I don’t have anybody, not irl. I just want to know I’ll be okay, that I wont kill myself. I want to know someone will be there for me, and get better for them. But no, nobody. I don’t have anybody. And this’ll probably never happen. In reality they’ll be worrying too much, they’ll be drained and tired because of me.

plain kindle
eager mauve
#

You are no such thing

#

You genuinely helped me around the time Lucy left and broke my heart

jovial wraith
#

wanna see jiminy again to make you feel better?

eager mauve
#

I was searching and searching and searching for another friend to come in and just be there for me

#

And you were there for me Baloni. You’ve always been there and have always cared about me

outer stratus
# plain kindle I want to know it’s going to be okay, I want to be held, knowing I’m safe and lo...

This is the hard part if you have no one in your life to make you feel appreciated and loved i dont really have any friends in real life and my family i have been disassociating from because of my depression anxiety and frustration either not being where i want to be in life or going there is no point in trying im wasting my time no one will accept me im worthless and a screw up i cant even go into a job interview without feeling like im going to have a anxiety attack but back to you i think right now in my opinion you have to somehow love yourself and i mean that in a way like what do you like to do or what are things that make you feel better about yourself and give you that confidence if that makes sense because you need something like that everyone does to stay sane

#

This is just my opinion i am just making a suggestion because i obviously have my own issues i am just trying to give advice how i see it

plain kindle
outer stratus
#

No problem

jovial wraith
#

hey baloni. if you wanna feel better, i can show jiminy again

plain kindle
#

Yes please pff

jovial wraith
plain kindle
jovial wraith
#

i have more pictures of jiminy

plain kindle
#

@eager mauve Look at JIMINY

#

I want a pet like Jiminy

jovial wraith
#

i honestly dont know where Jiminy is. i put him on my pillow on my bed and it was like he just went poof

#

its like he vnaished

eager mauve
jovial wraith
#

why ugh

#

why ugh!?

plain kindle
plain kindle
jovial wraith
plain kindle
jovial wraith
#

oh

plain kindle
jovial wraith
#

he vanished after i put him on my pillow

#

so i am just here like: welp. i hope i dont crush him while i am asleep" mainly cause i move in my sleep

#

kkAKittyWave good thing i took pictures!

jovial wraith
#

goodnight baloni, i have to go to bed

plain kindle
#

Goodnight Cloie!

plain kindle
#

I feel like crying again

#

I feel so, “afraid”?

#

I don’t know why

#

I feel worse

#

Am I getting worse?

#

I feel horrible, way more horrible than before

#

I regret eating today, I really do

#

The guilt and shame after I ate, and then throwing up

#

It was horrible

#

And now I just feel sick

#

I feel as if, whenever people care for me, and worry about me, I feel as if they’re forced to. Like they force themselves to care about me.

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Am I just another task for somebody’s life?

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Am I just another problem they have to worry about

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I really feel like I am

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I don’t feel like, how do I put the words to describe this? I don’t feel like people truly care about me the more I start to open up

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My problems are always compared, and I’m told to just “get over it”, it’s not that easy

plain kindle
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They quit helping and become annoyed when I do

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And then from that happening it affects me from not opening up at all!

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And then that makes more people annoyed when I don’t open up!

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Oh but then when I do finally decide to actually talk I’m pushed away and just told to distract myself or sleep it off

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Like if it was that easy I would’ve been better ages ago!

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And then when people start saying “It’s because at that age.. (13)”, no, it’s not because of my age things are horrible! Yes maybe it’s gone worse but it didn’t start when I turned 13?! I’ve been doing terrible since I was 9, NINE!!

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I seriously just want to relapse

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I’m so tired of all of this

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Oh and I’m sick too, just great!

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I don’t want to go to school

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It was only my 2nd day back and I already hate it

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Everyone is so draining

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I only go for it being a distraction for my disaster of a household

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I should try going into cardiac arrest again haha

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Oh my fucking god actually just kill me

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I seriously cannot put up with this fucking act anymore

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I’m so tired of this

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Everybody is so draining

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I’ve been more avoidant and angry

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Maybe if I act like an asshole people will hate me and be glad when I finally do kill myself

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Lol

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Or maybe I’ll just get yelled at for being selfish of wanting to kill myself

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Or everyone leaves because of how I act

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So many more things that can happen!

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Great! so I’m gonna relapse

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Because maybe that’s the only way that can make me feel better at this point! Haha!

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I’m seriously gonna ||slice my throat open|| one of these days

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Or maybe a ||straight line down my arm||!

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I’m going fucking insane

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I can’t do this anymore

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I really

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Cannot

plain kindle
plain kindle
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It hurts

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Everything hurts

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Why was I born the way I am

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Why did I have to be treated this way

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It isn’t fair

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None of this is

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I’m limping

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I might just stay home tomorrow

plain kindle
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I want to stay home but that would mean my mom is gonna be bothering me all day

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Even if I’m sick she doesn’t let me rest

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I just hope she doesn’t take me to the doctor

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If they find out I sh they’ll tell her

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I’m not ready

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I’m not ready for all of that

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What if I’m sent to a psych ward??

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Oh and I did relapse, I forgot to say that

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It stings a bit but that’s all

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I’m still not okay