Rant yap❗

[outer stratus]

ye, you dont have to marinate either

just lemon is good too

[plain kindle]

Got it pff

[outer stratus]

alr, have a good day or night or what ever time it is for u, ima go sleep, its like 10 oclock

[plain kindle]

Thank youu

And goodnight ‼️🫶

[outer stratus]

thanks, idk what time it but im tired lol,

[plain kindle]

I don’t feel okay

I wanna relapse

I keep scratching and trying to peel my skin

I don’t know what to feel anymore

[plain kindle]

Shitty morning

[potent talon]

Baloni
Chicken macaroni

Hello

[plain kindle]

Pff

Hii

[outer stratus]

Weird way to greet somebody lol

[outer stratus]

hru?

[potent talon]

Lol, I've been wanting to say that cuz their name sounds like a food

And I'm sorry I forgot to reply

[plain kindle]

I’m doing okayy

[plain kindle]

Pfff

Yeah it’s supposed to be like “Baloney” 😭

[plain kindle]

Threw up

I’m home alone and the thoughts are coming back

I’m gonna be home alone until night

I don’t trust myself

[outer stratus]

Same here

[outer stratus]

Uh oh that doesnt sound fun... Was it from my wing recipe lol?

[plain kindle]

Pff 😭

[outer stratus]

Hope you feel better, i am here if you want to talk again

[plain kindle]

Thank you 🫶

[ivory phoenix]

Baloniii :D

[plain kindle]

CHEEZIEE

Hiiii

[plain kindle]

I actually feel horrible. I’m shaking, crying, and it’s hard to breathe

The blade. It’s right there.

I just need to relieve the pressure, it’ll be okay. Right?

Fuck. I can’t.

Why did I do this.

[outer stratus]

Talk to me dont do it

[plain kindle]

I’m okay, I did it but, I’m alright

[outer stratus]

its not worth it

dont cut urself

[plain kindle]

I know

[outer stratus]

but you did?

[plain kindle]

Mhm

I know it’s a bad thing, but I can’t stop it

[outer stratus]

Aee you atleast feeling better from before?

[plain kindle]

A bit, I’m gonna regret it later though

[outer stratus]

THats why you shouldnt do it

not worth it

[potent talon]

That's how I say it actually

[plain kindle]

The cuts keep on reopening, and one of them didn’t stop bleeding for like 6 hours. I kept having to change the bandages. I also didn’t clean them well, and I’m scared they’re gonna get infected

One of the cuts are still open and not fully closed yet, so I have to be careful

[potent talon]

Apply pressure to it

To the open wound

it doesn't close because you keep changing the bandage and you probably cut too deep

But regardless, apply pressure

After that, you clean it by cleansing it to running water with soap, betadine or alcohol. Then put bandages

When putting bandage, don't make it too tight

Leave air

So your blood cells/platelets could easily clot the wound and stop bleeding

[plain kindle]

Thank you, I’ve been applying pressure to it and I already cleaned it properly

I ran out of bandages though

I forgot to buy more, but I’m gonna keep looking

[outer stratus]

bandage and neosporin

neosporin will stop from infection

[plain kindle]

I’m not sure if I have neosporin, I’ll have to check

[outer stratus]

put the neosporin on the bandaid and place it on

[outer stratus]

also polysporin works the same

if u have that

[plain kindle]

Ahh okay

Thank youu

[outer stratus]

No prob

[lethal temple]

Just be at your friend's house like for 5 days I mean its summer
So it's holidays so yeah

[plain kindle]

I would, but I’m not allowed to stay at other peoples houses unless they’re close relatives

[plain kindle]

I’m able to eat at least 2 small meals a dayy

Yayayayyy

[plain kindle]

Lol my bird attacked my moms boyfriend 😭

[outer stratus]

Ha ha

[plain kindle]

Numb. It’s always just feeling numb

[plain kindle]

I’m so drained

I’m tired, numb, and feel so hopeless

Tomorrow my moms boyfriend’s family is coming over again for the 4th of July

I don’t want to see them, or hangout with them

Especially her boyfriend

I already have to deal with his bullshit

I don’t want to deal with it more tomorrow

I plan on just leaving honestly

Going to the park for a bit to get away from them

I’m gonna meet up with a friend there

Oh and one reason why I’m gonna do that other then not wanting to be around her boyfriend and his family, is because they’re planning on renting out a pool

My mom expects me to wear a bathing suit, and will get mad or upset if I don’t. First off, the cuts haven’t healed, and the scars haven’t faded at all. Second, I hate wearing bathing suits because I always feels so uncomfortable. If I wear one I start panicking, even If I’m alone. It’s worse in front of people. just hate wearing them

I hate how I’ve been needing to hangout with my moms boyfriend more

And alone as well, it’s so awkward and uncomfortable

I just get afraid whenever I’m alone with him, I hate seeing him and being alone with him just makes it worse

I get scared, as if I think he’ll do something again.

[plain kindle]

And I’ve definitely said that before, but it’s how I feel.

[pine bison]

what has he done?

[plain kindle]

He sa’ed me

Yes I did tell someone, but my mom didn’t believe me because I got confused from the cop’s question

And I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m crazy and a liar

[plain kindle]

Love hearing my mom complain about me saying that all I do is stay in my room, that I’m always tired, that I don’t do anything lmfao

[plain kindle]

I feel so uncomfortable. Her boyfriend’s family are staying for the night and I hate it, he has to sleep in my room, with me. My mom and sister are also in here, but my mom told me that he wasn’t going to sleep in my room. She told me that he would sleep in the living room, but no. His drunk and dirty ass is sleeping in the same room as me, and I want him to leave. I feel so uncomfortable and dirty with him here, I hate this so much.

[plain kindle]

I hate how I always feel uncomfortable whenever my mom shows me affection. But why? Why do I feel uncomfortable when she shows me affection when I’ve wanted her affection for years

[plain kindle]

I feel like crying

I don’t feel okay

There’s a pressure in my chest that keeps returning

[plain kindle]

My mom is always trying to make her boyfriend apart of everything we do. I want to go somewhere with her and she insists that he comes, it’s so annoying. I don’t want to hangout with him, hell I don’t even want to see him. She’s trying to make us closer and I hate it. I’ll never love him or be comfortable around him, even if they both get married.
I’ll always talk back to him, I don’t care about his emotions, I don’t care about his health, I’ll always yell and cuss back, I’ll always defend myself against him. He’s dead to me

[plain kindle]

Whenever I hear a slight noise outside my door (footsteps, tapping, knocking, etc) I either immediately start panicking and get flashbacks from the night of the sa, or the similar thing but more of it triggering ptsd from my mom. My heart starts pounding fast, I start sweating, shaking, memories/flashbacks/colors start flashing in my eyesight, and I get a feeling of shock and panic.
For the night of the sa I get flashbacks of the cop who questioned me coming into my room. When I get those a white light starts flashing in my eyesight and I “sense” the cop coming into the room, if I look at the door while this is happening I will (ig) “imagine?” the cop opening the door and see half of his body coming in but not fully. I start panicking going in shock, shaking and unable to control my movements from me being afraid and panicking. Then for my mom, it’s the same thing as the cop but I feel like her’s is more violent. I’m not sure how to explain this but, whenever I get that trigger or flashback, I feel like she wants to hurt me, like she’s coming into my room to harm me in some way. I can feel her outside my door like the cop, and if I look at the door I can see her opening it like the cop, but her presence seemed as if she wants to harm me

I sometimes get both of the flashbacks at the same time

Which is honestly worst because I literally jump up from being so afraid, and I become more in panic. It feels worse and more uncontrollable when I get both

[sharp spoke]

nice story

[plain kindle]

“Story”?

[outer stratus]

they are probably underage with nothing to do

[plain kindle]

Ohh

[eager mauve]

It's not a story.

[plain kindle]

1 week clean, that one cut hasn’t healed fully yet and it’s gonna leave a big ass scar, not sure how I’m gonna hide it

[potent talon]

I'm proud of you! Please try to keep a positive mindset and don't hurt yourself

But I'm glad you're doing the right things

[plain kindle]

Thank youu!!

[potent talon]

:DD

[plain kindle]

I’m at my dads and we went out to eat in the morning. I was sitting next to my step/brother and we were talking about how tan the sun is making us, and I showed my arm to see how much I’ve gotten and I’m guessing he saw the scars? I’m saying that because when I showed my arm, he flicked the area where the scars were on my arm, but didn’t say anything lmao
I just found it weird lol, that’s all

Oh and he’s back to doing drugs in front of me, he stopped but he started again ig

[plain kindle]

His nose started bleeding from it

[plain kindle]

I feel so anxious, there’s pressure in my chest, and it’s hard to breathe again

I’m trying to calm down

[potent talon]

Bro I feel like you and your brother need some help like genuinely. Have you talked to your dad about it?

Cuz your mom's abusing you

[plain kindle]

No I haven’t spoken to my dad about it

I haven’t spoken to anyone about any of this really

[plain kindle]

After the last tried attempt, I’ve just been thinking about ways for a “new one.” And I can’t stop thinking about it, it’s been constantly on my mind even when I don’t want it to be.

It’s already “all planned out”, but I wont say it currently

I just hate how I thought about all of that

And I hate how I still think about it

I hate to say this but I wanted to retry the new plan this July 4th, but I didn’t, and I’m proud of myself for not letting it happen

[plain kindle]

I want to relapse. I’m trying to distract myself but it’s not working

[plain kindle]

I’ve just been in bed all morning

I don’t feel okay

I feel like crying, and the thoughts keep coming back

[plain kindle]

I feel like I need to say it, at least someone to see it. It’s just been on my mind the whole day, and had been for the past other days.

So this was my suicide plan;

||I was going to run away at night, leaving everything behind. Running off to find a highway with a bridge over, possibly a bridge that was high. The plan originally was supposed to be me jumping off the bridge onto the highway, where I would be dead. And I chose July 4th, so then I could see all the pretty fireworks before I killed my self.||

I didn’t actually do it though, I just planned it, but never managed to do it.

[plain kindle]

I was able to get up and make some eggs to eat

And I drank a bit of water

I’m so tired

I might nap again

[plain kindle]

I feel like relapsing, the urge just gets worse everyday

[plain kindle]

Been in bed all morning again

I’ve just been in bed for the past days

I haven’t left my room much

I don’t have any motivation

My eyes hurt

I just feel tired all the time

And I’m not eating normally again

My mood is at a all time low

I’m either numb, angry, or depressed

Good news though, my mind is always blank. So I don’t have many thoughts of ||suicide|| or ||sh||

[plain kindle]

I feel so weak

My eyes hurt more

And I’m more tired

I can barley stand up

[plain kindle]

I’m gonna get up and make something to eat

I’ll probably eat eggs again

[plain kindle]

I was able to make something to eat

[plain kindle]

I was flicking a rubber band on my wrist to get rid of the urge to do sh, and now there’s red lines on my wrist that burn a bit

I keep yawning and I’m still tired

[mint sphinx]

Dont give up on life

[plain kindle]

I feel weak, but I’m gonna try and go on a walk

This might be a bad idea, but it’s better than rotting in bed

I’m actually so tired, my body is shaking

I’m afraid I could pass out while on the walk

[pearl rain]

if you can try and make sure to walk near places people are, just in case

[plain kindle]

Yeah, that’s what I’m gonna try and do

Thank you

[pearl rain]

np, make sure you stay safe

[plain kindle]

Mhm

[plain kindle]

I’m back home

I got coffee

They don’t sell honeybuns anymore

So I got cookies

[pearl rain]

Rip, enjoy ur cookies tho

[plain kindle]

Ty loll

[eager mauve]

I didn’t know you were an adult

[plain kindle]

Huh 😭

[plain kindle]

I went on a walk to some mini stores and stands, my dropped me off there and I walked around. When I was done walking around I sat down on a curb at a parking lot and waited for my mom. When I sat down there was a man probably 5 feet away from me also sitting. He kept staring and looking at me, like A LOT. It made me uncomfortable a bit but I didn’t think much of it. But then he had his phone in his hand, and kept positioning it at me, like secretly pointing his phone at me. I’m not sure if he was taking photos of me, it still made me really uncomfortable though, even when he left after

I haven’t eaten yet, but I drank water. I feel like throwing up though, and I’m a bit light headed and dizzy. it’s still early either way, I’ll be fine.

[pearl rain]

if you remeber what he looks like try to report him to the police if you can

also you might feel like barfing because you havent eaten, just try eating a little bit if you can

[plain kindle]

I don’t remember much. But I think he was average skinny, around 5’6, darker tan skin color, black short hair, and a small black beard

I don’t remember any other features though

[plain kindle]

I’ll try to, thank you

[pearl rain]

if you can ask the police or something they might be able to find footage if you were near a store, if its too much trouble dont do it tho

[pearl rain]

👍

[plain kindle]

There were no cameras around since it was all outside, so I can’t really do much. It’s alright though

[pine bison]

u ok rn?

[plain kindle]

A bit, I’ve just been thinking about ||sh|| and ||suicide|| for a couple of hours now

I also feel dizzy, and tired. My body is shaking and I feel like I’m gonna pass out

[pearl rain]

try and go to sleep or take a hot shower if you can, it usually makes this sorta stuff better

[plain kindle]

I’m getting something to eat and I feel really dizzy and lightheaded

My head feels heavy

[plain kindle]

Doing horrible but that’s okay

I might go on a walk when the sun goes down

[brave dove]

Doing horrible is never ok bruh

[brave dove]

Nice🙂

[pearl rain]

Hopefully it makes you feel better😀

[plain kindle]

It healed! But now I have a small, puffed up scar

I’m certain it’ll heal more, but not fade away like the other scars.

I’ve already accepted the fact that one day my mom will see the scars

[mint sphinx]

Damn

[supple marten]

Nice you are doing SO well

[plain kindle]

She doesn’t believe in mental health, like at all. She’ll probably send me to a hospital to get help there, since she wouldn’t want to deal with me

[plain kindle]

Thank youu

[supple marten]

Ofcc

[plain kindle]

If she found out about anything, she would think I’m crazy. “Wrong in the head”

And her horrible boyfriend being by her side, he’ll try or even convince her more that I’m “Insane”.

How do I know?

Because he did that the night of the SA

He blamed me, said I was wrong. Kept saying that I was unwell or some shit

[supple marten]

Wow that is actually disgusting I’m so sorry you went through that

It’s unacceptable

[plain kindle]

Thank you, and I know. It’s alright though

[mint sphinx]

Damn

[plain kindle]

Well for what I’m trying to say. My mom already thinks I’m crazy, well a bit (All thanks to her boyfriend). And she would most definitely blame me for everything that I’ve gone through, along with her playing the victim, trying to manipulate me again. Thinking that I’m lying again, or just attention seeking. She won’t care, she won’t understand, but will most definitely do all her best so she doesn’t need to support or care for me - probably sending me to my dad’s or again, a hospital.

Honestly no wonder I’ve been suicidal since the age of 9

All of it sucks, it’s terrible. I’ve tried killing myself 4 times, the 5th I keep thinking about. It almost worked twice, I was so close

I’m no hope

I’m not gonna live long enough to see my graduation, I’m not gonna live long enough to see my little brother grow up, I’m not gonna live long enough to see my dad grow old

[plain kindle]

I feel so drained lmao. I’m trying so hard to not snap back at my mom, she’s driving me insane

[pearl rain]

Just try and avoid her if you can

[plain kindle]

Questioning and asking “Why are you so tired?” “It’s not like you’ve done anything.” Well no shit, I’m tired all the fucking time because I have no hope to fucking live! I feel nothing, I’m always numb. And the fact that you aren’t worrying about it is so annoying, because then I can’t even fucking open up since you’re a fucking narcissist.

[plain kindle]

I’ll try to the best I can, it’s a small house so she’s basically everywhere. And thank you for the message you sent me, I really appreciate it 🫶

[pearl rain]

No problem at all🫶

[plain kindle]

My dad picked me up today which is good, now I don’t need to deal with my mom’s bs lol

[plain kindle]

There’s pressure on my chest and it’s hard to breathe a bit, but I don’t feel that bad

[plain kindle]

Nvm I had a panic attack

Lmao

I’m still a bit teared up from it

I’m gonna go wash my face

[plain kindle]

Dad is arguing with my step mom about smthing Idek I just hear him yelling

It’s annoying tbh

He stopped

Finally some quiet

Her face, oh my god.

She isn’t injured or anything!

But she has this look

Of pure shock and fear

Her eyes are widened

And she’s just sitting on the sofa straight up

She was just staring straightforward, not saying a word

Or looking at me

I’m never scared of my dad, but sometimes when shit like this happens, I feel unsafe

He’s just scary sometimes

I’m okay though

Just frighten a bit lol

[pearl rain]

If you can try and stay in your room or something until everything fully calms down

[plain kindle]

That’s what I’m doing

It all calmed downed a bit

It’s quiet

[pearl rain]

Alright just try and stay safe

[plain kindle]

I think I’m gonna have another panic attack

My dad, step-mom, and sister left to a small party. So now I’m home alone with my step-brother

He’s doing drugs again in front of me, and I think he’s inviting his 22 year old friend over

I think they’re both gonna drink and then do more drugs or get high, that’s what I over heard them talking about

[pearl rain]

Lock yourself in your room and try to call someone for help

[plain kindle]

I’m having a panic attack, I’m in my room already

I can’t really call anyone, I’m just trying to calm myself down

[plain kindle]

They’re getting high again

Honestly I don’t even wanna deal with this, I’m just gonna try and sleep through all of this

I can’t handle anymore panic attacks or mental breakdowns from all this shit

I was already asleep until he woke me up by shaking me

And now my heart is beating really fast and I’m shaking again

Along with the pressure in my chest and it being harder to breathe

Calmed down, I’m just gonna get something to drink.

Well

I got something to drink

I’m just in the kitchen rn

And they made me drink alcohol lmfao

I’ll be okay

It was only 2 sips that they made me try

[plain kindle]

Of a 5.4%

So I’ll be alright ig

I’m just gonna go nap

I’m back at the room

I don’t feel okay lol

I’m just tearing up

[plain kindle]

I feel like throwing up

My body feels heavy

And now I’m just numb

[plain kindle]

I got so overwhelmed that I started scratching myself with my bracelet lol

And now my arm is red with scratch lines

I feel sick

I’m dizzy

And lightheaded

I feel almost as if there isn’t enough oxygen in the room

And I still feel like throwing up

I just want comfort

I just want to be held

So then I can feel safe

So then I know everything will be okay

I want my dad

I miss my dad

Where is he

I need him

I need my dad

I really am just a lost cause

I don’t want to do this anymore

There’s no hope for me anymore

I’m already ruined

The overdose should’ve worked

It’ll work one day haha

I’m such a horrible person.

Why? Because I want to kill myself, I hurt myself, I don’t take care of myself. And all of this affects others

It’s all my fault

I just bring pain and suffering to whoever I open up too

I wish I killed myself sooner

I’m sorry for saying that

It would’ve been better if nobody met me, if nobody knew me

They would all be happier

But no

Because of me

It’s all because of me. I am to blame. It’s always my fault. Even if you don’t think it is, it always will be

I’m terrible

I bring people down, everyone’s day becomes worse cause of me, I drain and tire out everyone

It’s all true

Everything

All of that

Is true

I don’t deserve anything.

I’m better off alone

So then nobody can be affected by me

So then everyone can be happy again

[plain kindle]

The scratches are still there

And I feel better now

I’m more calm ig

[plain kindle]

Idk if I’m seeing things wtf

I can see a dim white light flickering above me

Or around me

I’m going crazy 😭

It like disappears for a second and then comes back and flickers

Lmaoo wth

And then I’m seeing fucking shapes and shit

Idek what’s going on

[plain kindle]

Suicide seems like the only way tbh

This is probably the lowest I’ve been

[potent talon]

Fuck no

Suicide is shit

[plain kindle]

Besides from it never working then ig

[potent talon]

No no

I'm telling you

Suicide will never be the answer

It's understandable why people had done it

But it's a waste of opportunity

There might be something in life that you're bound to do or a greater life that's about to happen

[plain kindle]

maybe

[potent talon]

Not maybe, it's a fact

[plain kindle]

My head is starting to hurt

I might sleep

[plain kindle]

I just feel worse then before, my eyes hurt and my head feels heavy

[plain kindle]

Well, ig everything it’s true. I am a terrible person. A friend of mine got upset at me, and showed me how they really viewed me. They don’t trust me, and I’m pretty sure they never did. They didn’t believe me when I told them I wouldn’t lie to them, and that I’m not someone who would act in a terrible way towards them. The thing is, I wouldn’t ever think that way towards them. I hate it. I show people I care and love them, and they leave me. Yet, I still blame myself. I feel as if I’m the one to blame, maybe I did something for them to not trust me? I’m not sure, but it was most definitely my fault. I’m horrible

I really can’t do this anymore, I can’t. Everything is terrible and getting worse everyday

I’m just gonna leave. I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore

Or right now

[plain kindle]

Crying my eyes out lmao

I’m shaking

I really don’t want to go on

I should just try to kill myself again haha

I seriously don’t think anyone would care at this point

I’ve tried going on, I believed it would get better

So many fucking times

And it just got worse

I should cut myself until I bleed out lmfao

I’ll just plan another attempt again

See if it could work this week lol

[plain kindle]

Might go to bed in a bit

I scratched the shit out of my arm because I got overwhelmed

And now it’s red and hot

[plain kindle]

It’ll go back to normal on it’s own so idrc

I lost all hope in everything and everyone, except for 1 person

[plain kindle]

I just woke up and the first thing I see is a leak of Montana Jordan

[pearl rain]

NO GEORGIE😭😭😭

[plain kindle]

😭😭

[plain kindle]

I’m having another panic attack

But I’m calming myself down

[plain kindle]

I’m still calming myself down - It isn’t burning or fully red anymore, but there are red dots around the area where I scratched it

[plain kindle]

I think I’m fully calm now

Pretty sure I got better at around 1:30

[plain kindle]

I got pissed off at my step-brother and got super overwhelmed and angry so I started scratching myself uncontrollably to calm myself down which wasn’t a good idea I know

It wont affect anything though I’m sure

[plain kindle]

They apologized, they fucking apologized. And I’m forcing myself to forgive them. Again. Why fucking again? They treated me like shit and I still forgave them. What’s wrong with me

And now I feel bad, I feel bad for not wanting to forgive them. Why am I like this?

I let people treat me like shit and I just let them. And for what?

Why do I let it happen?

I want to feel loved and cared about, and ig I let them because I feel like they could change, change the way they act, and change the way they treat me. And by that I let them treat me horribly

Lmao, either ive just been getting manipulated this entire time, or they have really bad mood swings

It’s not like this is the first time, every person I meet either manipulates me and makes me feel guilty 24/7, or they’re probably the most understanding person I can trust

And honestly it’s confusing

Especially in the beginning

[plain kindle]

I’ve been listening to the same song for days, and honestly I don’t even know why except for it bringing me comfort

I’m finally back at my moms which is good, but also not good because I feel like relapsing and keep having thoughts of suicide, and it’s more easier to do all of that at my moms. (I am able to go out at night and walk anywhere I want, and there are blades in the house)

[plain kindle]

This has been on my mind all day yesterday and today, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. It’s about something my best friend told me, that really got to me. (I wont say every bit of information for privacy reasons, and out of respect.)

But they told me that I was fine, disagreeing to me that I am not at my lowest, and that I am in fact happy.
This honestly when they told me, it hurt me, a lot. I was angry, but also felt like crying. I didn’t want to argue with them about it though, and controlled my anger to not lash out on them.

They apologized after a bit, but I didn’t forgive them. I didn’t want to force myself to forgive them either, but now I just feel guilty. I honestly just want to forgive them already, but a part of me still feels angry for what they said. We haven’t spoke after that, and now I’m just starting to blame myself for it. I should’ve just kept quiet, I should’ve just forgave them there, I should’ve just let them say that. It wouldn’t matter if it hurt me, I would’ve just gotten over it.

[plain kindle]

Imagine someone telling you that you’re most likely the reason they’re gonna kill themselves haha

Imagine someone telling you that they ever regret meeting you lmfao

[plain kindle]

Imagine someone telling you that they lied to you because they just didn’t want to talk to you ‼️

Imagine someone telling you that whenever anyone mentions our friendship they want to kill themselves 🔥

Imagine someone manipulating you using their own issues 😝

Distracting myself with humor goes wiii ‼️🔥

After this feeling of distraction goes away I’m literally gonna be pulling my hair out and doing horrible shit to myself because I cannot handle that feeling of knowing you made someone that miserable but also knowing that they tricked you 😭😭😭😭

Lol but now I cut them off and I don’t ever want to talk to them anymore tbh hahahaha

I just hope everything becomes better for them and they become a better person LMFAOO

I hope they heal but without me around 😓😓‼️‼️

LOL them saying that is really starting to get to my head because now I just think I make everyone’s life miserable the way they told me I made theirs

Holy shit I never thought it would become this horrible bahahaha

I really don’t want to feel that way after this feeling goes away pfff

I’m just gonna distract myself as much as I can so I’m not on the verge of killing myself!! 👍‼️‼️🔥🔥

||If it becomes worse then right now I’m literally gonna drink until I get alcohol poisoning and die hahaha 🔥🔥||

||If it actually becomes even more horrible I’m gonna steal my step-brothers drugs and overdose on them LOLL ‼️🫶
Or probably just tell him I want to do drugs with him and hopefully I’ll die by him just letting me 😭‼️🔥🔥||

I’m losing my shit LMAO

I actually feel sick I’m losing my appetite again pfff 😭🔥🔥‼️

[plain kindle]

Lowkey distracting myself from my actual feelings cause I don’t wanna feel how much of a mark of them saying all of that left on me lololol

Noo fuckk

I don’t want to feel it

I need to distract myself, I don’t want to cry.

I don’t want to miss them. I don’t want to even think about them. I don’t want to feel bad for what they did to me. I don’t want to be upset at myself for leaving them

Why do I feel so guilty, why do I feel as if it’s my fault?

oh great I’m just numb now

[supple marten]

It’s normal to miss them and think about them

It’s good you left them because they were toxic and wronged you. You did the right thing

[supple marten]

They probably want you to feel that way

[plain kindle]

True

[plain kindle]

Thank you

[supple marten]

Yw

[limber cloak]

Hey if you're awake I'm letting you know that you're truly such a beacon of hope in the world, you never deserved any of this hearing all of this made me want to litterally punch some dudes. You're so unbelievably strong and badass, you push through no matter what and that is fucking bravery, perseverance and determination. You're an amazing human being, please stay safe and take care of yourself. You're so loved.

[plain kindle]

Thank you!! 🫶

[plain kindle]

I feel drained, and I lost my appetite

I didn’t think that they would have affected me much

I’m trying to eat, I have food, but I cant

I’m still trying to distract myself too

[plain kindle]

I was able to eat 5 California rolls and swallow them down by drinking water through each roll
It took around 40 minutes to actually finish but I was able to eat something!

[plain kindle]

I still don’t have an appetite for anything, and I haven’t ate or drank anything since the morning.
I’m tired though so I’m gonna nap for a bit, and try to eat something after

[plain kindle]

I slept for a bit but I am awake now

I feel better, but only a little
I still have no appetite though, but I’m trying to drink something at least

[plain kindle]

I ate bread with peanut butter on top

And then drank some orange juice

I feel pretty dizzy and lightheaded though so I’m gonna go lay down

And maybe call it a night

I feel like I’m gonna pass out
My entire head feels heavy, along with my body losing energy to even stand, it’s hot, and harder to breathe a bit

My mom just came into my room and is pissed off at me

Idek why

But now I have to get up and help her with some shit, while feeling like my whole body is about to collapse

[plain kindle]

I’m back, she didn’t even need help with anything. Just made me wonder around like a dumbass pff. She got mad at me because supposedly I didn’t help her with laundry? She asked me to help her, and I was gonna do that but then she finished all of it herself

And then when she finished she came into my room and was like “I already asked you to help me once, dont make me ask again.”

YOU DIDNT NEED HELP WITH ANYTHING 😭

Why’d you ask me to help if you were just gonna do it on ur own 🙏😔

And then got mad at me 😢 what’d I even do 😭

Anyways though, I waited for her outside because I thought she was gonna bring out more laundry for me to help her out with, and she didn’t come outside whatsoever and instead took a bath 😭 Miss girl had me waiting outside while I was about to literally collapse on the concrete, because I thought she needed help again and if I didn’t wait for her she would’ve yelled or screamed at me for it, and took a bath instead

I’m not even mad about it I just find it funny 💀

[plain kindle]

Oh I’m 16 days clean of ||no cutting|| yipee

[plain kindle]

I’ve just been distracting myself from how I really feel. I know it isn’t healthy to force your emotions, and that you’ll just snap eventually. But I really don’t want to feel horrible again. Especially after what happened, I’m afraid.

[plain kindle]

I was actually able to eat better and more today!

[supple marten]

I’m proud of you

[old flare]

That's great, I'm a friend of Matt and I just found your I dunno, journal, your doing great

Just keep a positive mindset and keep going!

[plain kindle]

Ohh HII
And thank you!!

[plain kindle]

Tysmm!!

[old flare]

My dumbass DMed you once and I didn't see your DMs were closed😭

[plain kindle]

Ah it’s okayy pff 😭

[old flare]

Btw I've been through a somewhat same experience so if you wanna trauma bond ig we can do that😭😭

[smoky talon]

hey girlie I thought I had the worst life in the world but now I see that i'm wrong. I read your whole story even shead a tear idk how to help others with those problems but a reminder your purpose in life is to be happy

[plain kindle]

I don’t feel okay rn, so I’m just gonna rant again to make myself feel better

When they were literally making me feel so bad about the fact that I rejected them to point I tried forcing myself to love them because I felt like it was my fault and I wanted them to be happy‼️

When I still wanted to be their friend even after rejecting them because I was so desperate for attention from how lonely I was so I didn’t mind the fact that he was manipulative and literally destroying me day by day 💃

When they said they would be there for me but always got upset and left whenever he gave up on trying to talk to me when I wasn’t able to open up or when I tried 🫵😒

When he was apart of the reason I relapsed multiple times because they never apologized and would always act as if nothing happened, and ignored and was oblivious to my feelings 🗣️

When I still cared for them and treated them with love after they ruined me because they were also going through stuff and I thought I was selfish for not being happy around them 😨🙏

When I would literally cry for them because I just wanted our friendship to become great again, even though I knew he hated me 🔥

The way I’m already traumatized about doing the littlest mistakes and he just made me feel more like the problem in every situation, so I would apologize until I wasn’t able to breathe from crying 👍

Which made it worse and now I apologize for almost everything 🙏

Theres more but I feel a bit better now

[plain kindle]

Thank you for the reminder, and don’t compare your life to mine. Everyone’s problems should be helped out with, even if some are different

🫶

[faint pumice]

I hope your able to face your past and feel better ❤️‍🩹

[smoky talon]

[plain kindle]

Every single time I stand up my vision goes black 😭

[plain kindle]

I don’t understand why mothers give you an ed mindset and habit at such a young age, and then blame you for it?

My mom keeps on saying “you’re traumatizing yourself of that.” (I was taking track of how little I eat) “It’s bad to think that way about yourself.”(My body dysmorphia is super bad so I see myself way bigger than how I actually am) Etc

Even though she was the one teaching me to act and be like this?

Like you literally starved for me a year..

You over fed me when I was little and didn’t take care of me properly, so you starved me and put me on very strict diets?

And then you would always point out how my body looked, even when I was little

You even said you were proud of me because of how skinny I was getting, even though I was literally starving myself

Which wasn’t even that long ago

And now you hate the fact that I’m getting skinny??

Like huh? You were literally complimenting me of how pretty and skinny I was, and said I should get skinnier for when I’m 15

It’s so annoying

[plain kindle]

I feel so tired and as if I’m gonna pass out each time I stand up, I have no appetite at all. I barely have any motivation to get up, or even do basic tasks (Brushing my teeth, hair, etc). I’ve just lost it all

[plain kindle]

I haven’t eaten all day and it’s getting late, I have no appetite but I’m gonna at least try and eat something

My cousin got me a Brisk ice tea so that’s good

They might take me to go get something to eat

[plain kindle]

We got some food but we’re gonna eat later

My stomach hurts from not eating lmao

[plain kindle]

I just finished eating

[plain kindle]

I’m out with my family and we went to get something to eat

But now

I’m having a panic attack in the restroom

I ran into the bathroom because I didn’t want anyone to see me like this

I feel like throwing up

I feel guilt from eating

I’m not okay at all

[plain kindle]

I’m no longer hiding in the restroom, but I still feel bad

My chest has a lot of pressure and it’s really hard to breathe

I’m not able to calm myself down

I think I’m okay now

[plain kindle]

Taking care of my little brother while my cousin (step-brother) sleeps, and my dad and his wife stay at the casino for a bit

I have to make sure my little brother stays asleep or I’ll most likely get in trouble

Hopefully the parents come back in a bit

Because I’m really tired

[plain kindle]

I’m hearing voices, it’s scaring me

There’s noises everywhere

I’m getting overwhelmed

I’m trying to block it all out with my music

I started panicking again but I’m okay now

[plain kindle]

My step-brother is so annoying, I fucking hate him

My dad gave us both 50, and he took it both

I told him to give it to me and he kept refusing to do so

He’s such an asshole, no wonder his girlfriend fucking hates him

I already told him that if he doesn’t give me the 50, I’m gonna tell my dad that he never gave me anything

He doesn’t like my dad, even though he’s his step-son

I don’t care if he gets yelled at

He’s a horrible person already, and he owes me money in general

[plain kindle]

He just showed me a video of a dead dog falling off a building and splat onto the ground

[plain kindle]

“My mistakes haunt me every night. I torture myself every time I try to fall asleep, what did I do wrong? What did I say? Just tell me what to do, what to say, what to be, and I’ll be it. I’d do anything for you, I will be anything for you. I thought you were different and I don’t know why. The thing that hurts the most, is that I genuinely thought I had a chance. I have no one to blame but myself. I just want to love and be loved, to feel the sun from both sides. I truly believe I’ll never find anyone remotely like you again. Eventually I’ll get over this, and I’ll stop feeling this way. And eventually you’ll forget about me, and we will drift off on our separate paths. And eventually, it will be as if nothing happened at all.”

Nothing happened at all - by Take care (ITS A SONG, or monologue idk)

[potent talon]

Holy shit

Your brother is CRAZY

Have you told your dad?

[plain kindle]

No, my dad already knows how he acts
But he doesn’t know about the things he does

[potent talon]

Well

Why not tell him?

[plain kindle]

Because he has things to use against me

[potent talon]

Nah

That's money tho, you have to get the money cuz that's yours

Even if he blackmails you, your dad don't like him

[plain kindle]

Yeah, true
I’ll try to tell my dad

[potent talon]

Yayyy

[plain kindle]

Pfff

[plain kindle]

I’m not okay, I don’t feel okay. I feel like I’m gonna breakdown again, I hate this feeling. I bottled up and distracted my emotions for too long ig haha

I just feel like killing myself again

[plain kindle]

I’m tearing up but I’m trying not to cry because I’m in the car with my dads family

[plain kindle]

I don’t feel okay again

I’m home now

At my moms

And I feel like relapsing

The urge is just getting worse

[plain kindle]

I need to distract myself

[plain kindle]

I keep going numb, and then getting random bursts of just hurt

I feel like throwing up

[plain kindle]

I’m gonna go to bed rn, I’m so tired and I don’t know what else to do to distract myself from relapsing

I just hope I can stop myself if I do almost relapse

[plain kindle]

I messed up. I fucked it all up.

[potent talon]

):

You haven't messed up everything

Just you being in a tight situation because people don't like you

I'm sorry ):

[plain kindle]

No, I ||relapsed|| ig.

I just thought maybe if I did small quick ones, the urge would go away

But no

I’ll be okay though, it was just bleeding a lot

[potent talon]

You're gonna get blood loss

[plain kindle]

It’s not that deep for lethal blood loss

[potent talon]

Nah

It is deep

[plain kindle]

It really isn’t, it’s only on the top of the skin

[potent talon]

Still

You got an addiction in that

I'm ngl

Which is hella bad

[plain kindle]

Yeah I’ve had an addiction to this for about two years now ig

The bleeding stopped I think

[potent talon]

Good

But please tho

Stop

[plain kindle]

I’ve been trying too, thank you

[potent talon]

That's good

[plain kindle]

||Shit, the blood got stuck. I cleaned it but it’s sort of, “stained” onto the skin now? I didn’t clean it properly I think. Fuck. Hopefully in the morning no one walks in. And now my shirt smells like blood. Great..||

[potent talon]

Wash the wounded area

The blood was prolly clotted

[plain kindle]

I did, but I’m back in my room again. And I can’t go back out to the bathroom or else my mom could wake up and get mad at me for being up or waking her up

[potent talon]

Bruv

You'll get infection tho

That's way worse

[plain kindle]

It’s not in the cut, so I think it’ll be fine

[potent talon]

U sure?

[plain kindle]

Yeah, I’ll wash it properly in the morning

I just hate how I’m gonna have to either wear long sleeves in this 90 degree weather, or a bunch of bracelets that bother me

Idrc at this point though lmfao, I don’t leave my house anyway so

I’m just gonna go to bed

[potent talon]

Goodnight

[plain kindle]

||Shit, it didn’t stop fully bleeding for an hour, and it was a lot of blood. I don’t feel lightheaded or dizzy at all, but it was an amount of blood to send you to the er. I’m not bleeding anymore, but there’s still a few cuts that I need to dap a towel over from it still bleeding a bit.||

[plain kindle]

I have to limp a bit to walk

[plain kindle]

I feel dizzy and lightheaded now

This heat is not helping lmao

[plain kindle]

I ate a sandwich and had a little bit of watermelon

[outer stratus]

that sounds great on a hot day

[river aurora]

|| I wish I ate that less because I ate 580 calories today ||

[plain kindle]

||I’m fucking bleeding again. The cuts opened up and they’re bleeding. My mom and her boyfriend are home! I don’t know what to do I already went to the bathroom to try and clean it, but it won’t close!||

[river aurora]

|| are you able to act like you’re taking a shower??? ||

[plain kindle]

||No, I already took one earlier. My mom would be suspicious as in why I’m taking another one||

[river aurora]

|| that’s hard to cover up because I normally put on long sleeves to cover ||

[plain kindle]

||I’m just glad I’m wearing something black, so the blood can’t show. I already put pressure on it but it won’t work||

[plain kindle]

||It’s on my thighs||

[river aurora]

|| I can’t do too much because I don’t have much privacy ||

[plain kindle]

||Thats okay, I’m just gonna try and put pressure on it for now, and not walk around much. I was already limping in the morning from the pain||

[river aurora]

|| do you have mouthwash?? ||

[plain kindle]

||No, I do not. Why?||

[river aurora]

|| it can stop blood ||

[plain kindle]

||Ohh, I don’t though sadly. I think it stopped a bit, but it hurts a lot||

[river aurora]

|| its good it stopped a bit ||

[plain kindle]

||I’m just gonna rest my leg and put pressure on it. I’m not gonna do anything anyway.||

[river aurora]

|| I hope it can work ||

Do you speak any other languages??

[plain kindle]

||Thank you||

[plain kindle]

Spanish, why??

[river aurora]

I like learning languages

[plain kindle]

Ohh lol

[river aurora]

Lol

[plain kindle]

The bleeding stopped

And I got coffee and cookies

I’m literally limping all over the place, the pain is horrible.

[plain kindle]

||Bleeding again. I don’t have any bandages so I can’t do shit.||

[plain kindle]

I don’t feel okay rn

The cuts keep reopening, and I’m just on edge 24/7

I have to hide the ones I did on my arm which fucking sucks

I just hope overnight the cuts don’t reopen and I bleed throughout the night

And that no one comes into my room in the morning because I have no bracelets on

[eager mauve]

You just typed a whole essay💀😭

[old flare]

Try putting grinded coffee powder, like pure coffee

Trust me, worked on my brother's cut on his chest when my dumbass uncle accidentally sliced his chest

[potent talon]

Golden Freddy is hete

here

[plain kindle]

@outer stratus Tysm for your message!! It means a lot 🫶

[plain kindle]

Pfff 😭

[plain kindle]

I’ll see if I have some, but wouldn’t that risk an infection??

[old flare]

No, it won't infect it unless the coffee isn't pure, it'll help close the wound

[plain kindle]

Ohh okay, thank you!!

[old flare]

Once it's closed

Wash it off gently and wrap it

[plain kindle]

I couldn’t find any coffee powder, but they’re closed. I just don’t have anything to wrap it with

[plain kindle]

I haven’t been able to eat that well, but It’s been improving! I used to not eat at all or not even half a meal, but now I’m able to eat one full meal a day

[plain kindle]

Home alone with her boyfriend while she’s running an errand

Now I can’t and don’t want to leave my room

Remembering the time when my close cousin who we both have gone through very traumatic things, told me a memory of his that ||when we were both young (5-7) our parents walked in on him touching me inappropriately and they started yelling at us and hitting us because of it.||

I don’t understand why I can’t remember most of my trauma from when I was younger?

Like even the sa, it’s slowly becoming a blur in my memory

But the only reason I can still remember it is because I’m reminded of it every single day since my moms boyfriends lives with us still

I hate how I can’t open up in person, no one seems to understand when I do. Which is also a reason why I haven’t been able to get proper help

When your trauma is just filled with a bunch of abuse and you can barley remember any good memories from it

Realizing that I seriously need to go to get multiple checks and diagnosis for a lot of things all because I had a shitty household

The shitty household was just apart of it honestly

I need to stop trying to forget all the horrible stuff that had happened to me, It’ll never truly go away

Just got a memory lmao; when I was younger I was staying with my close cousin, my mom told me I needed to take a shower but like every little kid I didn’t want too. She then told me that if we weren’t in front of everyone (My close cousins family), she would’ve beaten me for not wanting to shower and gave me a horrible look haha

I hate myself for still being able to forgive and love my her even after everything she’s done lmfao

[plain kindle]

My mom called me and told me to go eat something, and I ate some watermelon again. I appreciate it and all, but she’s noticing the way I’ve been eating? Only and just now?

Thanks mom for caring, but you caused this. You made me gain this mindset and habit, you’re the reason I started developing an ed.

But, it’s better than nothing ig

I’m gonna go listen to some music

[plain kindle]

Where did it all go wrong, why did it become so terrible? Why did I deserve this messed up life

Why did all of this have to happen to me

Why did it all have to effect me

Now I’m unlovable, and I don’t even know what’s wrong with me

I’m falling apart, and I can’t fix it

I don’t want to be this way

I can’t control the way that I am, and it’s horrible. Because I am a shitty person. I destroy everything, and I can’t even notice it when I do

I don’t even know who I am anymore

I can’t recognize myself

I’m different, worse, then how I was before

I want to be better and happy again, just like how I was before this all went horrible

Before all those terrible things that happened to me when I was young

I want to be that cheerful little girl

I was so young

I didn’t deserve any of this

And now I’m slowly dying

Every single day

I’m just hurting myself more and more

Soon to be dead

No one cared about me

I barley received any love at all

And now when I do receive love and care

I feel as if I can’t accept it

As if I can’t trust any of it

I really am not a love-able person

I am a selfish, narcissistic, asshole

Every person I meet, who I love and care about. I am so, so so happy I met them. But I am so so sorry they met someone like me

I want help

I need help

But

At the same time

I’m afraid of getting help

I’m afraid of getting better

A part of me wants to get worse

[plain kindle]

I feel so drained and tired

I’m not okay at all

[burnt swift]

i relate to you so much

that's such a daunting feeling

[shrewd garnet]

i just logged in and saw your post
tbh i never experienced it myself but i also done SH myself and still trying to fight off the urge to do it

i just want to remind you that youf safety is the periority so you if you feel unsafe you need to lean on people who can give you that

you don't deserve to have any of this things happened to you

it's okay to feel not okay dear:")

no need to hold your tears when you not feeling okay

[shrewd garnet]

don't be harsh to yourself, all your want is to feel loved. that's not selfish at all

people around you reject and hurt you, so don't reject and hurt yourself:")

[shrewd garnet]

it's really hard to get help, and for a long time myself didn't want to. i still struggling the idea that people around me really care about my wellbeing genuinely. but for you to feel wanting and need to get help is a huge thing

you own it to yourself, who strong enough to survived this long, to get help

[shrewd garnet]

it's your body trying to protect you dear

[shrewd garnet]

you feel this way because you're not used to it. not because you're a terrible person, you are not. but trauma can have this effect. all you need is to heal, and it can take a really long time

all i can say, it's okay to feel tired. the important thing is you still here. still fighting. just keep take one step at a time everyday. keep believing in yourself that you can heal and be the happy person you want to be in the future.

[plain kindle]

@shrewd garnet Thank you so so much for all of this, omg. I’m so grateful thank you! Tysmm!!

What was I doing. Oh my god. I woke up, and I couldn’t feel anything. I was numb so to say, but the only thought on my mind was to ||overdose||. Nobody was home. I was in the kitchen taking pills out of a bottle, and searching for more. But then while I was searching, my mom came home. It snapped me back, and I quickly made an excuse. I couldn’t control what I was doing, why couldn’t I? Now I’m just in shock. The pills that I took, I still have them. It’s hidden in my jewelry box, and I’m not sure what to do.

[shrewd garnet]

anytime

[shrewd garnet]

gosh, first of all. don't take it. just leave it there

or just keep it away from you

do you have anything to distract you?

you should take a walk or just do smth else positive to keep your mind away

you can control this. don't let your trauma to control you again

take a deep breath, and just distract yourself with smth small

[plain kindle]

Okay, I will. I’m gonna make something to eat, and then take a walk more later. Thank you so much

[shrewd garnet]

Yess, hope you feeling better

[plain kindle]

My mom left again to run an errand, and the thoughts are coming back

I’m trying to distract myself as much as I can

[plain kindle]

Everything’s good now

[shrewd garnet]

You can do this

And do self care sometimes

[plain kindle]

I WAS ABLE TO EAT 3 MEALS

[plain kindle]

There was a thud outside my door and I got a flashback from the night of the sa again

I started panicking a bit but I calmed down

[plain kindle]

I hate how I treat everyone like shit. I always get upset and mad at everything. I try to control myself but it never works, I’m not a great person

I can barley get up in the morning, even doing basic things seems like a chore. I’m trying, I really am. But I just don’t feel the need or hope to do so anymore

This isn’t really part of anything, but I had this dream where I accidentally showed my step-mother my cuts. She whispered to me “I know what you do.” And then began to hold me as I cried in her arms. It was weird, and I hated it. I dislike my step-mother, and she doesn’t like me either. So that dream just grossed me out

My dog is the only thing in person that comforts me

It’s not the same as online, then in person

Because online, when you’re being comforted, it goes away more quickly

And you get reminded that there really isn’t anyone there to support you

And you’re just alone

Again and again reminded that you’ll always be alone

Honestly, I was probably a brat as a kid. No wonder my mom used to hit me, it was probably all my fault

[shrewd garnet]

heyy go girlll

[shrewd garnet]

even if you don't feel like it, just do it. keep doing it until you can get your hope again

[shrewd garnet]

of course, its because we are basically stranger to you. but know that even tho we don't know eo and have different backgrounds and struggle, but we struggle together. we all are fighting together to survive, so you are not alone

even if we just stranger who only can gave you words online, but we here because we care and you are someone. we all just hoping in this little online world we can get comfort from eo

[shrewd garnet]

no one deserve to be abuse physically even if you doing wrong. and you were a kid, you not responsible to how adult react and behave. none of it is your fault

[plain kindle]

I’ll try to, it’s just been hard to do so

[plain kindle]

Thank you!

[plain kindle]

That’s true, I was only a kid. I shouldn’t have been responsible by the way they acted

Thank youu!!

[shrewd garnet]

it is, i myself also struggle with it everyday. but what can we do right? just keep going day by day:")

[shrewd garnet]

yess, be kind to that inner child of yours:")

[plain kindle]

Raised by a woman who chose a man over her kids is crazy

[plain kindle]

I forgot to eat all day lmao

There isn’t anything I can make or get either

[plain kindle]

I made eggs again

[plain kindle]

I don’t feel okay again lmao

Why is sleeping a distraction now

[potent talon]

Cuz sleep is rather peaceful

[plain kindle]

True

But then it turns into me having 14 hours of sleep everyday

[potent talon]

14 hrs of sleep everyday is good

[plain kindle]

Hm yeah

I’m just gonna nap again lmao

I can’t fall asleep pfff

I rather be asleep then feel all these emotions

I really hope that I don’t turn out like the rest of my family

It’s all just filled with addicts, depression, and suicide

My step-brother is already trying to make me used to drinking alcohol and trying to get me to use drugs

For the alcohol it’s all out of peer pressure, but sometimes I also want to try it from how many times I already have. Is he making me gain that habit and mindset? Or is it my fault for even thinking that way

I feel as if it’s my fault since I’m the one thinking and acting that way, but also he’s the reason why. I’m not sure. It’s probably my blame though

I feel bad for the people that have to put up with me. Everyone that worries or cares about me in a way of them knowing my trauma and everything I go through on a daily basis, it must be so fucking exhausting and draining

Honestly I lost trust to open up to anyone from past experiences, but not here since everyone is a stranger.

I should’ve followed the plan that day, I just missed the opportunity. Everything could’ve been okay again, if I was just gone.

I want to relapse again

[rancid wyvern]

no, please dont

Maybe try to distract yourself somehow?

[plain kindle]

I’m listening to music, it’s helping a bit

[plain kindle]

I’m unlovable, nobody actually cares about me or loves me. Whenever anyone tells me that they love me, I don’t believe them, I feel like they’re lying

numb again

[willow token]

Doesn't your mom love you?

[potent talon]

Nah

Her mom

Their mom

Is bad

[willow token]

Why is that so?

[potent talon]

If you get the chance to read the past message here, you'll see

[plain kindle]

I hope so, yes. But she’s put me through the worse and now acts as if nothing happened

[willow token]

I believe that you can still find friends, positivity can yield some

[plain kindle]

I’m going on a walk

Might be a bad idea though

Lmfao

I’m still numb lol, I bought 2 mini bags of Tylenol with 4 pills in total. 500 mg each

Gonna have to add it to the others

The night is beautiful

I’m back home

My dumbass almost accidentally showed my mom the cuts on my arm

I’m wearing a baggy hoodie and the sleeve fell down my arm a bit so it showed the cuts for a few seconds

Hopefully she didn’t see them

[supple marten]

No it’s not

Sorry to come in randomly but 14 hrs of sleep is NOT okay 😭

They should be having 8 hours

Anything more than 10 hrs is terrible

[eager mauve]

It’s only 6 more hours calm down

[supple marten]

It’s still not safe tho…

Just saying 🤷🏾‍♀️

not bashing or anything :p

[eager mauve]

Explain why it isn’t safe

[supple marten]

..

Pretty sure you’d know why that’s not good but I’ll explain it

Hold on

“Why Oversleeping Is Risky. “While consistently getting less than the recommended amount of sleep has been associated with multiple adverse health outcomes, sleeping more than nine hours per night regularly may also be detrimental,” Makekau says. She says oversleeping can lead to: Increased fatigue and low energy.”

I copied this from somewhere since I’m not too good at explaining things

Also it says the average person should get between 7 to 9 hours

[plain kindle]

I’m not in the mood today at all lmao

I feel so drained and tired, I’m just pissed off about everything

I just want to be left alone

[plain kindle]

I can’t breath well and I feel like I’m gonna pass out

My head feels weird

I layed down

[plain kindle]

I ate a bit and I feel a little better

[plain kindle]

I’m gonna try to eat again because I barley ate that time

Oh cool another disturbing memory:
When I was little my dog got ran over and my grandma took it and put it in our backyard to let it die, my mom and everyone else let it happen and I had stayed with it. I had to watch all of that happen lol 👍

Even when I argued with her to take it to the pet hospital she wouldn’t listen to me and didn’t care at all 😭

Oh this happened multiple times too with different dogs and she didn’t care enough to take it to the pet hospital

[plain kindle]

I feel like I’m gonna pass out I don’t feel okay at all

I can barley breathe correctly and I can barley stand

[plain kindle]

I ate and I feel better again

[plain kindle]

I don’t want to live anymore I don’t want to go through this anymore

I hate myself

I should just kill myself already

I’m worthless

I can’t fix anything

I’m pulling my hair out lol

I don’t know what to feel anymore

I should just calm down

None of it really matters

[steady palm]

Random advice; try to remember what moment and reason made you feel this way.
In most of the cases where I’ve used this, I’ve gotten all suicidal thoughts only because I stuttered or something alike.

A lot of people still care about you and think about you on the regular, you just might not notice it because they don’t express it in an obvious manner.
I hope you can feel better soon, wish you the best of luck. Peace out 🙏

[plain kindle]

Thank you, I’ll try to remember

I can’t stop crying, how can I stop crying? My mom already noticed, and she just started complaining about me when she did. It made me cry more, I stopped a bit now but I can’t stop fully

And now my mom is acting as if nothing happened even though she just yelled at me for crying

[plain kindle]

I think I’m fine now

[plain kindle]

I’m visiting my family and they’re going to the beach and I’m accompanying them, but I can’t go into the water because the cuts aren’t healed yet lol

[plain kindle]

I actually ate good today!

[supple marten]

Good job

[plain kindle]

I feel like relapsing again

[plain kindle]

I can’t kill myself so I just try to sleep all day to feel dead

[plain kindle]

I feel like shit

My ribs hurt so much

My thigh and hip hurts from me punching myself

[plain kindle]

I’m in so much fucking pain

I can barley move

[plain kindle]

Every movement I make there’s pain

I feel like I’m gonna pass out

I pulled out my hair again

[plain kindle]

There’s no bruises or anything but hurt a lot

Fuck now my ribs hurt as well

[plain kindle]

I’m still in pain

I took some medicine for it though so it’s fine

I actually feel so fucking horrible, and I feel bad for one of my friends. I feel as if I messed up, like I did something wrong and now they’re upset at me. I had to leave them alone for a couple of hours because I was busy with my mom, and they weren’t okay after I came back. Now I feel as if I’m a horrible friend, that I can’t do anything right to even make time for them or support them. I don’t do enough, I can’t be enough. I need to be better, I don’t want to be useless.

[plain kindle]

Limping again

At least now I have bandages

[proper summit]

Are you ok?
We are wondering if you wanted to talk with us. It’s ok if not.
We have a lot of experience with Trauma and PTSD and we would like to talk with you about it if you want us to. Again if you don’t want to, that’s fine. Just be safe. Also please don’t forget that We love you!

@plain kindle

[rose wave]

i read all of this and nothing ever happened to me.like this.....i read this with my jaw dropped i just can say, meet youre cousin and aunt as much you can and oversleep in their place because if they support you its the best thing...i cant say much more i wish you the best! and please dont unalive yourself okay? youre ife is still worth it!

if you wanna talk DM me

[plain kindle]

No thank you, I’m sorry. Thank you so much for recommending it though, but I do not want to

[plain kindle]

I will try to stay with them as much as I can, but It’s basically impossible though. I am not allowed to stay or sleep at anybody’s house unless it is my dad’s. And thank you for your support!

[plain kindle]

The pain isn’t that bad anymore, but it’s still there. I fucked up my collarbone somehow, and now both of my thighs hurt like shit, along with my hip again

I’ve been eating well for the past few days, so that’s good

I thought about maybe going on a walk but I can barley move with this pain, so it wouldn’t be a good idea if I did

[plain kindle]

I threw up

[plain kindle]

I might throw up again

I don’t feel well

I’m not okay

I’m just gonna go on a walk later

I don’t care if I’m limping

I don’t want to be home at all

[plain kindle]

I’m on the walk

I’m in pain but who cares

[plain kindle]

I’m back home

I bought more bandages

I’m so tired

What if I just disappeared tonight lmao

Tbh
I didn’t think I’d live to 13, or 12 even

If the attempt worked I would’ve been dead at 12

I’m honestly so drained and hopeless to the point I can’t even help myself or others

Yeah I try my best to comfort others, but I really can’t do it anymore

[plain kindle]

When I first started to cut myself, I would do it all over my arms, both of them. I couldn’t hide them well, so most of the time they would show and were very obvious.
I’m not sure how my mom didn’t notice. Or anyone really. I think my mom did notice, multiple times. But I don’t think she ever cared enough to ask or talk to me about it. I think she’s embarrassed of me really, of how I turned out to be such a failure. She doesn’t care about my mental health, she only cares about how others view her as a mother. If I ever told her about my sh she would probably be mad at me, and not because she cares about me

If I ever get help and they contact my mother, she would be more upset in the fact that I got help, rather then the fact that I needed help

She also doesn’t care enough to remember things about me

[plain kindle]

I could tell her about my sh addiction, and she would probably forget about it in a week or so

I’ve thought about getting therapy but I’m afraid if I open up about everything they’ll send me to a mental hospital or I’ll get the cops called again

Especially since they report certain things to parents

[plain kindle]

I threw up again

[plain kindle]

I hate how I blame myself for everything my mom has done to me

And I hate how she doesn’t even care about me

She’s a fucking narcissist, and always tries to make everything about her.

Which reminds me, this one time when me and my sister were both sick, she got mad at me because I was “worrying her” and she already “had enough to worry about”, and told me to stop?? I wasn’t even doing anything, along with just staying in bed all day because I was sick lmao

I feel like throwing up again

[plain kindle]

My mom wants to take me swimming tomorrow but the thing is my cuts aren’t healed, like at all. They’re fresh, and they haven’t closed completely yet either. (I relapsed a few days ago after the last one.) I have no idea what I’m gonna do, she told me I had to go so I don’t really have much of a choice. I’m gonna try to avoid swimming completely though when I’m there

I don’t know what I’m gonna do at all, I’m panicking. I want to relapse again

[plain kindle]

Right so, let me just get straight to the point lmao; My mom’s boyfriend barged into the bathroom while I was undressed to shower. Yes I had forgotten to lock the door, but it was very obvious that the bathroom was in use. Like VERY, obvious. I jumped behind the door and I slammed the door in his face before he could see me. I don’t know what he was thinking, whether if he was half asleep or in a hurry, I’m not sure. I just hope it was an accident, but I’m still suspicious because it was really really obvious that the bathroom was being used. But I did start breaking down, which caused me to panic, and the only thing I wanted to do was relapse. So, I relapsed, and now I’m just getting flashbacks or memories of the SA incident again.

I cleaned up and bandaged myself properly, except for the fact I don’t have any disinfectant. so that’s all clear.

I’m probably just being dramatic, I’m sure it was an accident.

Was it an accident?

On the outside of the wall, there’s a small window that shows the light of the bathroom. The inside of the bathroom isn’t visible but the light is shown and it can be used as a way to know that the bathroom is being used. My mom’s boyfriend went outside, passing the wall with the window and came back inside, only for a few minutes later for them to barge in.

It’s fine, I’m okay I think.

I’m just limping a bit

It’s probably my fault, I’m just being dramatic. Why am I making it such a big deal? I’m okay. It’s not like he was gonna do anything, right??

[plain kindle]

I feel like shit

I can barley move my leg

Nvm, I can’t move it at all without there being a ton of fucking pain

I’m just gonna go to bed

I can’t handle any of this rn

[gray furnace]

I would suggest you to watch this video to better deal with this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcRUj8H3rc4

[gray furnace]

What options do you have for therapy at your age where you live? why cops?
For me, therapy was the only way to motivate myself to get out of depression. From the mouth of my therapist everything sounds so much easier so much that it kinda even feels a bit embarrassing and it was exactly this feeling that has motivated me the most to do 3-5 minutes of guided mediation every day in the morning and evening to at least temporarily try to detach myself from my old thought patterns and feelings so that I can create new thought patterns that try to look at things from a completely different perspective, my therapist advised me to apply perspectives shifts, by asking how a happy person would react to it and then to just recreate that. Also if you have no friends, I would consider group therapy.

[gray furnace]

I think you wrote something about suicidal thoughts so, this is a thought that helped me dealing with it: "I had this thought at my lowest point, and the fact that I keep having this thought proves that the thought has no practical power, I'm just not someone who kills himself, I'm apparently incapable of killing myself, almost as if these suicidal thoughts are meant to stop me from actually killing myself. I could also have killed myself earlier." Sounds completely delusional, but this acceptance of delusionalness and phrases like "go crazy" have helped me a lot to maintain my happiness even during minor setbacks. For a sad person, happiness must be craziness.

[plain kindle]

@gray furnace Thank you so much for your support and advice! I am currently watching the video, also I’m not really sure about the options that I have for therapy in my area, and in my age range. For the cops, well I have a family member who has done, and has been doing stuff that the cops can be called for. Along with the abuse I have experienced by my mom.

[plain kindle]

Am I just overthinking it? I mean, I lost all his trust after the incident, and I know he hates me. I’m not sure

I can barely sleep with the pain on my thigh

I’m so tired and drained, I don’t want to do anything anymore

[plain kindle]

Cool so my upper thigh is covered in blood

just great

I cleaned it

I can’t do this shit today

[jovial wraith]

wow a lot has happened since i last checked on here.

how have you been at least?

[plain kindle]

It’s been okay I think pff

[plain kindle]

I went back to sleep and had a dream of a man with his head chopped, blood everywhere only wearing underwear, and bro was still having a normal conversation with me wtf 😭 weird dream

[jovial wraith]

okay wtf.

that is the weirdest nightmare ever

[plain kindle]

Yup lol

[plain kindle]

Threw up again

[plain kindle]

I feel so sick

I try to eat and I feel gross, I feel like throwing up

Is my ed coming back? It’s not like I recovered, but I was eating full meals a day

Now I throw up after every meal

I think I’m gonna throw up again

I hate this

I feel so gross

I hate myself

I just wanna relapse everyday

[plain kindle]

I was able to eat but I feel like throwing up

I wanna go home

I feel like relapsing

The addiction and my ed are getting worse again

[jovial wraith]

you matter

[plain kindle]

Thank youu Cloie!!

[jovial wraith]

you needed to hear that, didnt you?

[plain kindle]

yes, thank you 🫂

[jovial wraith]

you are welcome

[outer stratus]

hi baloni, it has been i while since we talked hru?

[plain kindle]

I’m okay, how about you?

[outer stratus]

meh, a lot going on, are you feeling better, i see some of you recent posts in here

[plain kindle]

A bit yeah, I’m still in some of the same problems though lol

[outer stratus]

thats good

[plain kindle]

Mhm!

Thank you for checking up btw

[outer stratus]

oh no problem

[plain kindle]

I’m trying to eat but I feel so sick I can’t handle this feeling

I feel like throwing up but I can’t

[plain kindle]

I have a headache

I might relapse when I get home, I’ll check for bandages ig

[plain kindle]

If I get worse, they’ll actually care. I’ll get all the love I craved and wanted. I need to be more sick, I want to be more sick. Nobody cares now, so I have to keep getting worse until they do.

Failed to killed myself 4 times, maybe the 5th one could work. I mean I already planned it, but now I just have to choose what day lmao

[plain kindle]

I threw up

I feel dizzy

I’m not sure if I should relapse again

If I do it would be the 4th one in less than a week

The pain has been getting pretty bad too from it, but I’m still able to walk

I don’t know

I feel like I need it

[plain kindle]

Cool 4th relapse in a week

haha

I went a bit deeper

||And I saw yellow spots inside of the cut||??

Only a few though

Almost my entire upper thigh is this purple-reddish color lmao

It’s gonna take 2 weeks for all of it to heal

I don’t have any bandages

[jovial wraith]

oh no

please dont cut yourself

[plain kindle]

I woke up shaking and panicking

I’m just gonna go back to bed

[plain kindle]

I was able to eat a bit

I feel like throwing up though

Everything is quiet

And I feel numb

There was this loud thud or bang noise and it made me get a flashback again

I began to panic again

But I’m okay now I think

[plain kindle]

This has been happening more often, I’m not sure why

It’s as if I zone out and a bunch of memories start rushing back into my mind and eyesight

Like I see it happening, but none of it is actually happening

I feel really sleepy and tired, out of nowhere too

My vision is going weird as well

I feel off

[plain kindle]

I have no idea what happened lmao

I just have a headache now

[plain kindle]

I feel like throwing up