Rant yap❗

[plain kindle]

I hate the scars I gave myself

I hate how they look, they’re gonna be on me forever

[plain kindle]

I’m starting to see myself in my mom and I hate it.

[plain kindle]

I have no idea how I truly look like

[ivory phoenix]

u look good :D

[plain kindle]

Haha gotta love bulimia.

[plain kindle]

I don’t know what to feel anymore

why am I even still here

[plain kindle]

Im so tired

This week is gonna suck

[plain kindle]

I feel like relapsing again

I’m just gonna try and distract myself

[plain kindle]

I hate myself so much lmao why did I want to start eating normally again I literally gained back weight over it, and now my body dysmorphia has been all over the place because I literally see myself 3x bigger

I hate myself, I’m so ugly and fat

I already know all the bad things that come from it, but I’m just gonna start purging again

Starting with only a 150-200 cal diet, and throwing it all up afterwards so I can make myself use to it.

[potent talon]

You'd rather die than to live healthy?

[plain kindle]

At this point

Yes

[plain kindle]

Why can’t this day just pass already?

I feel so tired, dizzy, and sick

[plain kindle]

Got food since my mom started to worry a bit, but I can’t throw up because everyone is home

[plain kindle]

Right so now I feel like passing out more and I feel like throwing up automatically after eating

And my body dysmorphia is still being a pain in the ass

guess it didn’t work?

Or isn’t working

[plain kindle]

I’m starting to notice a lot of things about myself. I’ve been beginning to get into a lot of bad habits lately, things I can’t say. And I never noticed this until now, I hate how this is happening
I don’t want to be like my cousin, or the rest of my fucked up family. I just can’t handle that.

I try to not do those things, and keep the thoughts away. But I always lose control

[plain kindle]

If things get horrible again, worse than before. I’m not taking any chances, not anymore

[plain kindle]

I could just jump into upcoming traffic haha

I could stop it all right now

The cars are going fast

Hm..

no

Not today

[plain kindle]

There’s a man, and he looks like my dad..?

No, it’s not him.. it can’t be
My mind needs to shut up, I’m just tired.

I don’t want to have a panic attack over that, I need to calm down and shut up.

[plain kindle]

Fuck now all I can think of is my dad

I’m so jealous of his other family

My little brother, the most jealous I am of.

He gets to see my dad all the time, he gets all the attention of my dad

He gets to be loved and cared by him, every single day!

And what did I get? I barely see him at all!

I barely saw him when I was smaller, and now it’s rare!

He’s just hanging out with his new family!!

Oh his so perfect

Little lovely

Family

I’m his daughter! I’m suppose to be his baby. I’m the one he’s suppose to love all the time..

Not my little brother.

And what do I get out of if? Fucking daddy issues!

Viewing any man who shows me care like a father, I hate it. Why couldn’t I just be loved by my dad more?

[plain kindle]

I feel sick

I just threw up

I hate throwing up, it makes me cry each time without it meaning to

but whatever

[plain kindle]

I keep feeling like I’m gonna pass out, everyday I’m dizzy and lightheaded, and I feel like passing out. I already went to a doctor for it, but they said nothing was wrong?

[plain kindle]

Even when I eat normally I still feel like I’m gonna pass out, I have no idea what’s wrong with me??

[plain kindle]

Trying to distract myself lmao

[potent talon]

Probably due to stress or connection to your mental health

Oh wait nvm

Low blood sugar is life threatening if left untreated

[plain kindle]

Ahh, thank you
I’ll try to get some help for that if it is true

[eager mauve]

Someone be @plain kindle friend

I be busy and she be too obsessed with me

[plain kindle]

WHAT

NO

MATTJSB

😭😭

[potent talon]

What

[eager mauve]

She’s really nice and kind and she’s xooo

[potent talon]

That is the most obscure, random message I saw in this journal

[eager mauve]

My friend @plain kindle needs a new friend because she’s very lonely

And she’s needy a lot so can you be her friend?

[plain kindle]

IM NOT

NO

[potent talon]

I mean sure

Why not

[eager mauve]

Thank you!!

[ivory phoenix]

Did yall just do a giveaway? 😭

[potent talon]

LMFAO

[ivory phoenix]

Ong

[plain kindle]

😭

[plain kindle]

WOWW

[plain kindle]

The way my mom made me become obese as a baby to a toddler because she didn’t know how to take care of me, and then started shaming me for being overweight and began starving me so I could lose weight

Anyway, she’s going to take me to the doctor again to check about Hypoglycemia

I bet they’ll find nothing wrong with me again lmao

doctors never help

[plain kindle]

I feel so numb

It’s been so quiet

Am I the problem?

I’m so tired

I feel like throwing up

[plain kindle]

Bro why is my mom so bothersome?? She literally yelled at me just because I didn’t clean up the mess that HER and HER boyfriend left

It’s so annoying

And then there’s the thing she said a few days ago that left me angry

she said “I only ever hit you once as a toddler, it was because you kept crying and screaming.”

Like what? You literally hit me more than once!!

you always kept on hitting me from a baby to a kid!

I literally ran out of the house because you were gonna hurt me!

I hid at my grandmas house because I felt safer there and knew you wouldn’t hit me in front of my aunt and grandma!!

And now you’re saying you “only hit me once”??!!

Like what??!!

What the fuck is your problem?!

I even asked my grandma what to do so you wouldn’t hit me anymore!

She even had an answer, “avoid her.” And that’s what I did, and what did that get me?

You hit me again.

And started yelling at me in why I was acting strange.

Oh but now you stopped because you know I can defend myself!

You already know I would hit you back if you ever hurt me again

oh and then you acted confused and offended when I asked my aunt if she could adopt me, “am I not a good mother?!” Shut the hell up.

[plain kindle]

Oh and let’s not forget the time you literally recorded me having a breakdown in front of you because I was “misbehaving.”

Real supportive mom you are

Even dad was better than you

yeah I know he wasn’t around much but when he was he sure as hell didn’t fucking hit me or make me cry and yell at me for the stupidest things!

He literally made me more happy and helped me more when I barley saw him!!

and you literally make me feel worse and you’re always around

Well not emotionally around, hah

Is it something I need to fix about myself? Do you hate I act and look more like dad?

Tell me what it is mom! Because I’m fucking done with your bullshit!

I’m losing my mind

I just wanna cry now.

[plain kindle]

Oh my god, my thighs got so small. I’m so shocked but also so happy about it

My pants have been fitting bigger over it too

And my waist is smaller as well

I’m so happyyy, but now my appetite has gotten shorter

and I showed my mom but she didn’t seem to care at all

Whatever, she’ll care when I’m more unhealthy skinny.. hopefully

[plain kindle]

Sadly that happiness lasted only 2 minutes and now I hate how I look again lmao

[plain kindle]

I’m so drained

I have so much work to turn in and If I don’t have good grades my mom will yell at me again

She scares me

She honestly does

I’m afraid of her

I’m afraid she might hurt me again

Tomorrow are final grades and I have to turn in a paper in person

And I lost the paper

and now I have to ask for a new one and try to convince my teacher if she could enter grades in more later

Honestly don’t know what to feel anymore

I’m just numb all the time

I never say how I truly feel

I don’t like venting at all to people either

I feel like if I do I’ll just ruin their day and make them worry and feel worse

I mean, it’s happened before

to almost everyone I know

They once even told me straight up that their day had been ruined because of me

So now I just keep to myself

And only rant about 40% of what’s been happening

[hazy plaza]

Baloni good job

[plain kindle]

??

[hazy plaza]

well I am proud of you

[plain kindle]

ohh, thank you! Haven’t heard that in a while, so thank you 🫶

[plain kindle]

This might come out as harsh, but from what I’ve experienced; people only care about you if it’s bothering them. I hate to say that but that is what I believe to be true

I don’t think my mind can be changed from that

[plain kindle]

I think my moms boyfriend saw the blade, I’m panicking so much right now. I’m not sure if he actually did or not.. I don’t know what to do, I’m shaking and crying what do I do??!!

I’m so fucked. I hate this

If they ever found out I would actually ||kill myself||

I can’t handle this, I don’t want her to know.

[plain kindle]

Mom just told me to chew and then spit out my food rather then to swallow it 😭

[plain kindle]

They in fact did not and she still does not know

[plain kindle]

The fact that was the only day I actually tried eating normally, and after she said that I just wanted to throw up everything I’ve eaten that day

That day I ate two meals, while normally I barley ate one meal

I was proud of myself. in the first meal I ate tacos and then the last meal, which was at night, was a honeybun with milk

[plain kindle]

Idk what to do rn

In class but my mind is all over the place

I wanna relapse lmao

Wanting to relapse at school is crazy pf

lol I’m not okay at all

[potent talon]

Yeah you're not

You should eat

I've seen in your journal that recently, you're not eating well

[plain kindle]

I’ll try too, thank you

The lunch break passed already so I have to wait until I’m home

[potent talon]

Also, fun fact, Scientifically

[plain kindle]

?

I have to go right now, I’ll read what you said more later

[potent talon]

When you don't eat well, you always feel depressed. Because there's no glucose in your digestive system. It drops your sugar levels which will affect your ability to produce hormones (or cells) that makes you active

Or that's fibre

Oh wait no, it's glucose

I learnt that from Biology

[plain kindle]

Thats true, but I distract myself a lot so I don’t really feel that depressed anymore

but it’s still bad, and I’m self aware

I haven’t eaten well at all today, what my mom told me really fucked me up

I only had a monster energy drink all day, zero sugar kind.

That’s it, and I’m afraid to eat anything

I also feel like throwing up

My body is shaking from how little I’ve been eating, and I can’t even move

I feel like my mom is the one that’s causing me to get all these thoughts in my head, she literally tells me to not eat sometimes

And she starved me for a long time

I feel so full, and I want to throw up

even though I only had that monster drink

I feel like my head is spinning

My body feels so heavy

I can’t move

My chest has pressure

It’s hard to breathe

And I’m getting nervous

[potent talon]

Yeah because your body lacks A LOT. Your enzymes are deforming

You need to it or call someone because this feels like neglect

[plain kindle]

I mean there have been times I reached out for help about it

[potent talon]

You have to keep trying

[plain kindle]

I know, but it never seems to help anything

[potent talon]

Because this is a violation of human rights— being unable to eat because your mother disgraces you and telling you to throw it up is abuse. Please, this is abuse

[plain kindle]

I’m aware it being abuse, I’ve been aware about that for over 2 years. And I have already reached out multiple times and nothing helped. I do keep trying, and I’m trying to help myself in secret. (As in trying to recover.) But it’s hard from my mom not being much help

Oh god my stomach feels like it’s burning,

I can’t get up

I’m just shaking more and more, I hate this feeling. I don’t know what to do, it never went this far.

I think I’m going to throw up

Right so, I can barley keep my body up

And throwing up didn’t work

It made it worse

everything is getting blurry

Do I need medical attention? I don’t know what to do

Im just laying down I feel more better now

I feel better now

I just can’t move my body much

Anyway

Something positive and funny in this journal lol

[plain kindle]

When the daddy issues are getting so bad that you see your own COACH as a father figure is crazy, I think it’s because he’s always friendly and treats me in a respectful and caring way. Also because he said “I’ll always do anything you want”

Okay that last thing is pretty shady..

but he meant it in a friendly manner

[plain kindle]

I don’t feel hungry anymore

I’m just gonna drink an energy drink and call it a day

If I’m even around food I feel sick

My sight went fully black when I got up

My body is still shaking but not as much

Im shaking but not as much for someone to notice

I feel like my hair is falling out even more now too

As in more than usual

I’ll be fine

[patent stump]

Honestly, don't think about how others will feel after hearing your rant. This is supposed to be a place where PPL vent. If they can't handle it, then they should refrain from checking this page. Just let it all out over here.

And don't deprive yourself of food please. You need food, have proper healthy meals.

Honestly, your coach seems like a good person. I think you should really talk to him about your issues. It seems like he cares for you.

[plain kindle]

That’s true, I’ll try to say more

[plain kindle]

I don’t really feel comfortable talking to them about my issues, I rather talk to someone more professional about it

[patent stump]

That is even better.

Are you in a position where you can get professional help.

[plain kindle]

Not currently no

[plain kindle]

I went out for 6 hours

I wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing

but I needed to clear my mind

I went to the skatepark for a bit

That helped a lot

I haven’t ate at all

Nothing today

Just a monster and gatorade

Both zero sugar

and then a small ice cream

the monster was 10 Cal, Gatorade 5, and ice cream 80

And then I burnt a lot of calories

Spent most of my time just skateboarding, that took a lot out of me

I felt like shit from the monster

And felt even worse from the Gatorade

I threw up

Even worse, at the park

I don’t think I can eat something rn, or even later

I already feel full

and if I eat I’ll just feel sick and throw up

[plain kindle]

Whenever I eat something or want to eat, I check how my body looks first and then see if I’m skinny enough to eat. For example if I see myself bigger or big I don’t eat at all, but if I seem thin or skinny I eat

It’s.. an odd thing I do

Definitely a bad thing

[potent talon]

Bro you have to check that stomach of yours

It seems like it's fucked up considering the amount of time you throw up eating like one food

[plain kindle]

True

I’ll ask my mother if I can get rechecked at the doctor

[patent stump]

I don't think that's a good idea. Look having proper meal is not just about calories. It's also about all other nutrients. Which are very important. You don't want to have those deficiencies mate. I'd say go to a professional and get it all checked. Perhaps you can even visit a dietician, they might suggest what you should eat to meet all your needs. And if you have certain goals then they might also help in achieving that.

[potent talon]

Well their stomach seemed to be eating themselves due to too lack of food. Bolani, you are in risk please get in touch with medical assistance sooner

[plain kindle]

I mean I wouldn’t be able to go to a professional about that either way, my mom wouldn’t let me. And I know that it isn’t a good idea, or an idea I should have at all, but I really, and I mean really need to do this. I’ve already been doing this for around 4 years, and it’s all because of my mom. I want to become as thin and skinny as I can get so then my mom can care, so then she can suffer, and understand what I went through because of her. She won’t even help me if I asked, she’ll instead support me if I even told her.

[potent talon]

Fuck your mom

You'll die bro 💀

[plain kindle]

pff 😭

[potent talon]

No, I'm serious

You're mom's killing you

There's still a lot ahead of you

You gotta stand for yourself if you don't wanna suffer from not eating healthy

If you get what I mean

[plain kindle]

I get what you mean, and all that’s true. It’s hard to do that though, I’m afraid of her

[potent talon]

Well you gotta tough up

Ask school for help, do anything to get out alive etc

[plain kindle]

Especially from past things she’s done to me, it’s all haunting me. And now I’m just afraid

[potent talon]

Gotta be strategic then

[plain kindle]

I’m out of school rn, but what if I reach out to a close friend? I could probably convince her to get me into therapy

idk

[potent talon]

Yeah that could work too

Therapy is very confidential

So you're good

[plain kindle]

I’m only comfortable in those two things for reaching out for help, but yeah it seems something like that could work

[potent talon]

Do you have any relatives

[plain kindle]

to reach out to?

[potent talon]

Because, despite the therapy if you still continued living with your mom then nothing will work

Because the narcissism will repeat

[potent talon]

Yeah— like to take you in for care

[plain kindle]

That is true, but sadly no

[potent talon]

You need to get adopted

No like

You're literally binging to death because of your mom

[plain kindle]

I know, and last time I tried getting adopted was by my aunt. I wanted her to take me into her own care etc, but when my mom found out she got upset and started yelling at me and seemed sad, and I felt bad to do anything else after that

It didn’t work

[potent talon]

NOOOO, FUCK HER

[plain kindle]

Mhm, I don’t really have anybody else or anywhere to go

I mean, by just therapy that could help a lot. Even if I’m still living with my mom

[potent talon]

True

[plain kindle]

My ribs hurt so much, it feels as if they’re being crushed

[patent stump]

If you think staying with your aunt helped you. Then you should definitely go to her. The most important part of the equation is you and you alone. Do what's best for you not your mother.

[plain kindle]

I was in contact with my aunt, but I wasn’t staying with her

I just binged so much, and now I’m throwing up. I feel so sick

I hate myself, why did I do that

I think I’m gonna throw up again.

My skin feels all itchy, everything is bothering me, I feel like throwing up, Idk what to do

Well, I am throwing up. I don’t just feel like it

[plain kindle]

I actually hate myself, I didn’t wanna eat at all.

Now my throat burns from throwing up

I threw it all up.

I feel so disgusted of myself

I’m numb

[plain kindle]

I’m a terrible person

I let my emotions and thoughts get to me

And it affects everyone around me

I ruin everybody’s day, I can never fix anything, I make everyone upset, I never make someone’s day better, I’m annoying, I bother everyone, I’m either to hyper or to quiet, I’m just a problem

And I know this is true because people have told me.

And now I tried to change myself, how I look and act, just so everyone can like me

And now I don’t even know who I am anymore

I have no idea where my mom is

she’s been gone for probably 5 hours

Or more

[plain kindle]

Still no idea lmao

[plain kindle]

Bro where tf is my mom at 😭

[plain kindle]

Gosh, I hate him. I hate him so much, why does he still have to live with us. He could’ve left, my mom’s boyfriend could’ve left and be gone forever.

I just want him gone! I don’t want to see him anymore!!

Non of my friends like him, and they barley even know about my SA

I hate him so much, I wish he was gone.

He’s the reason I barely leave my room, I don’t leave my room because I don’t want to see him at all, and he just makes me so uncomfortable.

[plain kindle]

Something positive since this rant journal needs it;
One of my best friends that I’ve known for literally my entire life is going to be coming over and staying at my house for a week or so! He’s a very good friend of mine, and I care for him so much. We’re best buddies lmao, probably because we’re the same age and went everywhere and did everything together 😭. We’re still planning when he’ll come over, but I’m just excited about how many sleepovers we’re gonna have pff. He knows the most about me, even about my ED. I’m always comfortable around him, and we can have hour long conversations, it’s the best! Honestly, he’s the greatest friend I could have, along with my other best friend who I love so much 🦇🩷💙.

But overall I’m happy and can’t wait to see them!

Oh and the reason they’re coming over is because they moved to Arkansas last summer, I live in Cali so we haven’t seen each other at all

He’s gonna come with his brother, but because of his family problems his brother is going to stay with his nina, and he is going to stay with us

AHH I’m so exciteddd

[plain kindle]

Not sure what to feel

Barley ate today yet I feel like I ate a lot

So much happened this past week, and one thing that I’m afraid to even say happened

[plain kindle]

It’s been going on loop in my mind for the past few days.

I hate how I almost did follow along, I could’ve lost everything.

I don’t even want to talk about it, it’s hurting me so much

It’s best if I just forget about it, just like every problem that pops up pff

[plain kindle]

My best friend has been checking up on me on that, I’m so grateful for them 🩷 and happy of how caring they are fr

[plain kindle]

I’m almost 100% sure that my mom has seen my cuts on my arm but just doesn’t want to say anything

[plain kindle]

I was complaining how my pants got smaller in the dryer to my mom and she started saying how I’m so traumatized about food, and weight. And saying that I view myself as fat but I’m actually “super skinny” 😭

[plain kindle]

She was on the phone that moment lmao and then she just started complaining about that

I like when my pants get bigger since it reminds me of how much weight I lost lmao, idk it just makes me feel better about myself. Even though the habits for it are bad..

I’m already pretty skinny, but my body dysmorphia gets the best of me pff

[plain kindle]

Yeah I wonder why I’m traumatized 💀

[plain kindle]

I ate 2 cookiess

[patent stump]

When was the last time you had a proper meal.

Because eating 2 cookies. Starving yourself for few days. Then going on Binge eating just to throw up again. Won't just lead to weightloss. It was also lead to various other problems. Like chronic pain, in some part of your body. marked changes in vision etc. even death.

It's highly recommendable that you go for healthy weight loss. One that takes time, but that brings more positives then bring a thousand negatives

[plain kindle]

Not that long ago I’m sure, I don’t know.

[plain kindle]

Gonna make eggs rn

[plain kindle]

I ate eggs but then I ate some chips after, and I felt sick after the chips so I threw up which wasn’t a good idea

[plain kindle]

Trying to make myself eat an actual meal today

morning:

Maybe cereal??

I’m still not sure

[plain kindle]

I’m just eating cereal

[plain kindle]

Right so I ate cereal, and my friend is gonna get me food rn.

[plain kindle]

I already thanked them for it 🫶

[plain kindle]

I ate 4 chicken nuggets and some fries lmao

I might get some durros

[plain kindle]

I actually ate good today

I feel proud, but also kinda ashamed

I’m gonna try to not throw up, since I do feel a bit sick

[narrow hare]

Your heart beats around 1,00,000 times each day. While controlling your desire to binge eat is extremely difficult, if not for anyone or anything - try to do it for yourself. For your heart that is constantly rooting for you.

Throwing up later is not the solution, it only hurts your body more. Some of the things that may help you avoid binge eating to a large extent are - 1. Keep yourself occupied with activities you enjoy, like going for a walk, reading a book, or practicing a hobby to divert your mind from cravings.
2. Stock up on healthy snacks like fruits, nuts, or vegetables to satisfy hunger pangs without reaching for junk food (protein rich food helps!)
3. Stay hydrated throughout the day, as thirst can sometimes be mistaken for hunger, and drink water or herbal tea to curb the urge to snack unnecessarily.

Lastly, good job on constantly trying to do good by you! You got this, take care!

[plain kindle]

Thank you sm! For the advice and support 🩷

[plain kindle]

I’ve just been in bed, I don’t feel any motivation to get up

I’ve been home alone with my moms boyfriend for a few days

I don’t want to see him, and I don’t want him to see me. so I don’t leave my room that much

He’s usually gone though, and he just left right now

It all just feels so.. quiet

And different

Nothing feels the same as it did a few months ago

It’s definitely been worse, than better

The cuts on my arm are healing, which is good.

The scars on my thighs are fading, which is good as well

I don’t think there’s anything else that’s “good”

Ive been leaving the house more often, walking around and going to the park.

I don’t like being home

Whenever I’m home I feel

Unsafe?

I don’t exactly know why

I rather be out

Far from home

I just realized

I’ve been doing the most, to just distract myself from everything

Distracting myself from the problems, rather then trying to resolve them

I haven’t reached out at all

And ig from keeping it all in, I broke

2 days ago, I couldn’t handle it

I broke down crying, and started ranting to my friend

They helped me through it, but.. I feel guilty, and ashamed.

From how long I hadn’t reached out, I almost killed myself. I had a plan and everything, but I’m not gonna say it since that would be, messed up ig

[plain kindle]

That day, the beginning of the plan, the opportunity to just end it all, was right there.

I was literally making eye contact, with death

but I didn't

I gave out

the thing that stopped me in that moment, was the thought about my friend

how much they've done, the effort they put everyday just so I know they care and love me

I didn't kill myself, because I didn't want them to suffer.

And when I broke down, I told them that.

I told them that, I didn't go through with it that day, because of them

[plain kindle]

Now, I feel like this because well

I hate when they worry about me.

or when anyone worries about me, I hate it.

I feel like, whenever someone tries to help me, they're just wasting their time

I'm not sure why, but it's what I think

I also feel guilty and ashamed because, I'm not honest with them

I haven't, and I am not honest with them

Well for one reason on this, I'm not good at opening up

and ive said this before here

I don't like opening up, and I hate it

[hasty trellis]

have you reached out

for help

like

anyone

you know

well

that you know can support you

through your hard times

[plain kindle]

Well, my friend. I reach out to them, but its rare

other then them, no

[hasty trellis]

try reaching out to more people

you know well

that you trust

like your parents (if you do)

or anyone

[plain kindle]

thats the thing, there isn't anyone else

I don't trust anyone

like at all

[hasty trellis]

maybe a ||su!cide|| hotline

i dont know

just

[plain kindle]

I've thought about it, I still am. It's just that I don't feel comfortable reaching out to people at all or hotlines

here, nobody knows who I actually am. so I feel comfortable

[hasty trellis]

i didn't too, but when i did, even the police got involved, and i'm much better now. i still have some thoughts, but they are not as bad at all as they were.

so please do

its great to do so

[plain kindle]

I'll try

[hasty trellis]

please do

my DMs are open at all times btw, so if you want to and if you need it, come talk to me any time.

[plain kindle]

I will, thank you

[hasty trellis]

no problem (:

[plain kindle]

I'm trying to be more honest and open up to them, since I know they care and worry about me when I don't

there's a lot, that I haven't told them

and I'm afraid sometimes, that if I do open up

they'll get angry at me

and..

idk.

I'm afraid that they'll get angry and just start yelling at me, or blame me and all the problems on me

just because I didn't open up

[hasty trellis]

Im sure they wont!

[plain kindle]

I know that, but it's how I feel a lot of times since thats how it was with my mom

[hasty trellis]

When i opened up, my parents startedd showing so much effective love and supported me through what i was going through

I mean

I never did open up

But it was because of the hotline call

And the police showed up

Thats when i opened up

But im sure they will treat you even better because of your situation, pverall they raised you and they have been there for your whole life

My parents took me to the zoo and helped me, im sure yours will too

You have nothing to worry about!

[plain kindle]

well, the thing about that. It's way more different for me

My mom isn't the most, supportive?

or forgivable person

[hasty trellis]

What had she done

[plain kindle]

she's like, almost 100% of the reason I'm suffering

And she's only changing her ways now, because I can defend myself more now

she's been abusive in almost all the different categories

And if I speak up about everything, she'll blame it all on me

and I also feel bad because she's trying to change, but I can't accept her love now after all she's done

[hasty trellis]

If and when she becomes better i think you should let the past be the vast and focus on your mental health, and accept your mother id she wsnts to chsnge

If thats hard to tall to your parents

Please contact the suicide hotlines

It saved my kife

It might save yours too

Life*

Sorry for my grammar mistakes i cant see the other half of my screen so i cant aee the keyboard fully

Please do consider the hotline

[plain kindle]

That’s the thing, I can’t and won’t be able to just “let the past be the past.” After everything she’s done to me, all the trauma, how am I gonna just let it all go behind me as if it was nothing?

[hasty trellis]

Then go tell your mother

How much she had hurt you

How much trauma she has put upon you

Tell her what she did wrong

I dont think shell blame you for that

Or maybe your father

Id you sont want to be involved in that

[plain kindle]

She definitely will, because I tried and she just played the victim. I’ll try to reach out any other way, but it won’t work with my own mother

[hasty trellis]

Then dont listen to her and stand up for yourself

[plain kindle]

I did.

nothing has changed

I need to look for other ways

I’ll just reach out to my dad if possible, or somewhere more professional

[hasty trellis]

Twll your father, contact a suicide hotlins i dont care. You need help.

[hasty trellis]

Great choice.

I hope you vecome better!

[plain kindle]

I am trying to get help, It’s just hard when nobody seems to be on your side.

And thank you 🫶

[hasty trellis]

No problem ❤️

[plain kindle]

Life might suck ass but at least I saw a doggo

[hasty trellis]

Aww thats so cute!

[plain kindle]

I had to stay and be with my mom’s boyfriend all day, even alone.

When going back home, it was just me and him in the car, I felt like I was panicking

I’m not sure why, that never happens

The incident was a year ago! Why am I still, “afraid”?

I felt my chest getting tighter, and it being harder to breathe, I was nervous, I started to panic a bit, I felt so uncomfortable around him

No.

That’s it

I don’t want to see him anymore

I want him gone

I want him to leave

He needs to leave

Why couldn’t he just leave in the first place?

Now I cant do anything about it, without being called a liar

Wasn’t him grabbing me on my thigh enough? Weren’t the cops showing up enough? Wasn’t my aunt, cousin, and grandma defending me enough? Wasn’t me, crying to you, enough, mom?

Wasn’t that all enough, FOR HIM TO FUCKING LEAVE?

BUT NO, YOU TOOK HIS SIDE. OH THE “LOVE OF YOUR LIFE”

AND YOU STILL WANT TO FUCKING MARRY HIM?

GOD. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU MADE ME THINK THAT THE SA WAS MY FAULT

I CANT BELIEVE YOU MADE ME THINK THAT ALL OF IT WAS MY FUCKING FAULT.

And yk what? I still do.

I still blame myself, I still think that what happened to me, was my fault

so thank you for everything mom

You’re just the best!

[narrow hare]

Seeking support from a therapist can offer invaluable short-term relief by providing a safe space to process and express emotions. Moreover, the long-term benefits include gaining coping strategies, healing deeply rooted wounds, and fostering resilience to navigate future challenges with greater strength and clarity. Investing in your mental well-being through therapy can truly transform your path towards healing and growth.

Like others suggested, please contact hotline. It may feel uncomfortable but do it for yourself, stand up for you, fight for you

[plain kindle]

I hate how I’m eating normally again, I hate it. Why didn’t I just stick to starving myself? I’m already aware of everything that happens when I do that, and I’ve already been through half of it. So why even stop? My mom hasn’t even worried about how I’m eating yet, I need her to worry about me. I want her to worry about me and care for me when I’m just skin and bones.

I already ate this morning, but I threw up

I don’t need to eat, I’ll be fine

Ive talked to my cousin about this before, but I’ve been having multiple symptoms of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) for the past year or 2. I tried talking to my aunt about it but I wasn’t good at opening much on it really, so the topic got erased. My cousin also recommended me going to a professional about it because they also think I have it since the symptoms match very clearly.

I’m planning on going to see someone for it in the next year or 2, I’m not confident in opening up to anyone about that rn lmao

[plain kindle]

Left the house again

I don’t want to see him

[plain kindle]

I left like an hour ago

I have to go back now

or my mom would get mad

[plain kindle]

She’s not even home though lmao

Anyway

I haven’t sh in 7 days fr

[hexed cape]

proud of you 💗

[plain kindle]

Thank youu🫶‼️

[plain kindle]

I’ve been flinching less

From the amount of times I’ve gotten into fights, and the memories of my mom hitting me, I began flinching at EVERYTHING. It was ridiculous. But I was afraid ig, at least now it’s going away and I’m feeling more comfortable

[plain kindle]

I was flinching so much that someone even asked if I was okay, and if I was being hurt in any way

[plain kindle]

I haven’t ate since the morning and I feel like throwing up

[plain kindle]

I ate sushi

[eager mauve]

Fatty

[ivory phoenix]

…

[plain kindle]

THATS CRAZY

[ivory phoenix]

Crazyyy

[eager mauve]

Joking

[plain kindle]

😭💀💀💀

[plain kindle]

frfr

[ivory phoenix]

Matt

Matt

Matt

Matt

@eager mauve

[plain kindle]

Real

[eager mauve]

I’m bout to block you back

Ong

[ivory phoenix]

Oh

[plain kindle]

That’s crazy

[ivory phoenix]

K sry

[eager mauve]

Shush instigator

[plain kindle]

THIS IS MY JOURNAL WHAT

And hiii Cheezie

[eager mauve]

Journal? This is just sad ong

😭😭

[plain kindle]

HUH 😭

[ivory phoenix]

Hii

[plain kindle]

EWW I DONT LIKE THAT VIDEO

WHY DID I SEND THAT HELOBD

[ivory phoenix]

Do it pussy

[plain kindle]

Damnnn

[eager mauve]

I was gonna do it

You didn’t think I was @plain kindle

[plain kindle]

No I did

[eager mauve]

UNBLOCK MEEE

[plain kindle]

😭

[eager mauve]

PLEASEEEEEE

[plain kindle]

Apologize for going to far then

[eager mauve]

IM SORRY

PLEASE UNBLOCK

[plain kindle]

Thank you

[eager mauve]

🧎🏻🙏

[plain kindle]

😭😭

[plain kindle]

No sh in 10 days ‼️💯

[plain kindle]

I wanted to be with my dad this Father’s Day.

I told him “happy Father’s Day”, but it’s not the same,
I want to be there with him.

I don’t want to be here, I want to leave to go to him

I wanted to spend time with him today, but I can’t

And even when I leave and go see him, it won’t be the same. It had to be today.

[plain kindle]

I had to hug and gift something to my moms boyfriend for Father’s Day and It was horrible, I don’t consider him my dad, nor will I ever consider him someone special to me

I had to hug him, I hated that.

I already have to see him all the time, hugging him made me feel dirty

I felt so uncomfortable

I don’t want him touching me or do I want to touch him, I want every physical contact with him to not even be there

He is dead to me.

[plain kindle]

Right so now I haven’t left the room at all, and I feel like if I see my moms boyfriend rn I’m gonna burst out sobbing

[plain kindle]

I seriously just want to go home. My mom took us to a cabin for vacation, but her boyfriend’s family is here as well.

I just want to go to my dads..

[patent stump]

If you have issues with your Mother's boyfriend, then perhaps you should consider talking to your mom about it. And Try to make boundaries with him.

[potent talon]

Her mother's horrific

Her mom does not want her to eat at all

I don't think talking to her about the boyfriend will work

Just saying btw, don't worry (please please I'm sorry if I got offended or smth )

[plain kindle]

I already have, she didn’t do anything and nothing changed

[plain kindle]

Thank you pff

[plain kindle]

The cops were called and everything, but nothing changed

[eager mauve]

Her mother is a pos

[plain kindle]

pos??

[eager mauve]

Piece of shit

[plain kindle]

Lmfao 😭

[plain kindle]

Not my mom telling everyone that she never hit me and raised me well

(I was literally afraid of her because she would hit me, I ran away from her multiple times as well. like what?)

Anyways, I just want to leave and go back home

I feel waves of numbness

Followed by waves of being on the verge of tears

I’ve tried my best in avoiding everyone

I avoided everyone for 3 hours, I went skating. And rn I’m in the room alone

I’m not sure what to feel

Should I just cry?

I don’t want to cry though

I hate the feeling

That feeling in your throat and chest, as if you’re drowning

Then when your trying to not be loud, the feeling gets tighter. And it feels as if you’re choking and can’t breathe

I hate it

But I can’t avoid it forever ig

Shit I forgot my bag in the other cabin, where everyone is. I’ll just go get it quick. I don’t want anybody to notice me, I don’t want to talk to any of them right now. I wont be an asshole about it though

[plain kindle]

Just woke up and my mom is already bugging about what I eat

She told me that if I ate last night I would’ve gained weight and look fat again

[plain kindle]

I’ve been eating good for the past few days, and her saying that just ruined me again ig.

I lost weight from not eating and starving, I haven’t gained it back from eating good again though. I told my mom and she was, proud? She knows how I’m not eating a lot, or at all. And she was proud. She’s proud of me for starving myself and losing weight because of it.

[plain kindle]

I feel a bit panicked rn, my mom pulled me in for a hug but she grabbed me and pulled me in by the waist. I started panicking and pushed her away. I panicked because I got flashbacks from the SA, and also because I just hate physical touch. I feel dirty again and uncomfortable, why did she do that out of nowhere? I mean I understand if you wanted my attention, but grabbing me out of nowhere? Especially by the waist. I got scared, I still feel a bit uncomfortable, but I’m inside now and I’m feeling better

And another thing about that, we were inside with everyone looking. They saw how I pushed her back, they saw the look on my face when I did. I’m so anxious of how they’re thinking about me of that

[plain kindle]

I feel like crying

I already am, I started tearing up out of nowhere

But, I don’t want to cry.

[eager mauve]

Hey hey hey

Somebody be @plain kindle friend

She’s nice

But she’s sometimes annoying fr

She’s great tho!

[plain kindle]

BRO

STUFBD

STOP

[eager mauve]

ITS FOR UR OWN GOOD

[plain kindle]

😭

[eager mauve]

YOU NEED NEW FRIENDS

[plain kindle]

YOU’RE ONLY DOING THAT CAUSE IM BOTHERING YOU LMAO

[eager mauve]

YES

[plain kindle]

HELPOSBD

[eager mauve]

AND UR MAKING ME FALL ASLEEP

[plain kindle]

THATS A GOOD THING NO??

[plain kindle]

My moms boyfriend hugged me out of nowhere, I don’t even know why. He asked me if I was happy (because we’re on vacation so he asked me if I was happy about the vacation), and he hugged me. I froze, I didn’t know what to do, I was so uncomfortable and shocked that I just froze

[plain kindle]

Her boyfriend was drinking a lot and she yelled at him for it lmao

[plain kindle]

I feel sick from that still

I think I’m gonna throw up

I can still feel him around me, I hate it. I feel so uncomfortable, I’m shaking, and it’s getting harder to breathe

There’s pressure on my chest, I feel so sick

They’re arguing lmao Idek what about it’s just loud 😭

It’s all so loud

Pretty sure he’s drunk

Whatever

[plain kindle]

Imagine sitting in the bath for 30 minutes since you didn’t feel clean enough to get out because you still felt his arms around you

So you just laid there staring at the ceiling feeling numb and not moving wishing you could’ve followed that stupid suicide plan and everything could have been better

lmao

[plain kindle]

Good news; my mom doesn’t care how I eat anymore, meaning I can eat good meals without her saying anything, but also meaning I can eat nothing without her saying anything.. well what’s good is good

[plain kindle]

That nervous feeling I’ve had before is coming back again, it becomes harder to breathe and I get super anxious

And then after I tear up a bit

There’s like pressure on my chest, making it harder to breathe

Then from that I start shaking, idk I just feel terrible

I got this feeling again about 20 minutes ago and it still hasn’t left

Okay, I feel better ig

Just the tearing up thing after, waiting for that to pass

Just realized those are anxiety attacks, and I’ve been having anxiety attacks this entire time

[plain kindle]

I think I’m having another one

okay this one isn’t bad

It’s already going away a bit , which is good

[plain kindle]

I feel like relapsing

Lmao

[plain kindle]

Right so, I’m at my dad’s rn. And I’m suspicious about my cousin, he keeps sniffing and snorting in this white powder. I don’t want to jump to conclusions though, and I think it could be Miralax. He has them in tiny see through bags, he told me to not tell anyone about what it is. Said it helps with his testosterone or something, and also said that he knew I wouldn’t say anything; that he “trusts” me.

[potent talon]

Who tf sniffs medication for testosterone

[plain kindle]

Yeah

[potent talon]

That's drugs mate

But regardless

Make a thingy with him

"I won't tell but you gotta get rehabilitate soon"

Yk why?

There's a chance you can get blamed once your cousin got into a serious risk of whatever shit he's sniffing

It's better to help rather than being a bystander

[plain kindle]

Yeah, that’s true

He’s probably done 3 small bags already

In front of me too

[potent talon]

Wtf

[plain kindle]

shit is fucked up.

[potent talon]

He is indeed

Try ask him why he sniffs on those

[plain kindle]

He explained, but didn’t tell the truth. He just lied that it was some sort of medication for his diabetes

[potent talon]

Cuz medication for testosterone can only be swallowed

[potent talon]

Mf was a bad liar

[plain kindle]

Mhm

[potent talon]

Needs to slap his balls and punch his fave

Who tf sniffs medication for diabetes 💀

[plain kindle]

Pff fr 😭

[potent talon]

If he does diabetes and sniffs drug, he gonna die the next day or in a wekk

Week

[plain kindle]

That’s true

I think he just started doing this, maybe a few days ago?

I’m not sure, I wasn’t there

But fuck, 3 bags already? In front of me? I don’t want to see that, it’ll mess me up more

[potent talon]

Tell him he ain't Dart Vader

[plain kindle]

😭

[potent talon]

He's going down a really dark path. Darker chapters of his life

[plain kindle]

He already has been

[potent talon]

You gotta talk to him tho if he trusts you

[plain kindle]

yeah

[potent talon]

Cuz like drugs are addictive. Either you force yourself to live or ||kys in the most pathetic way||

Ain't rehabilitation in US free?

[ivory phoenix]

What.

[plain kindle]

LOL

[plain kindle]

I’m not sure

[ivory phoenix]

Thats crazy

[plain kindle]

Crazy

[potent talon]

What's crazy is saying you got diabetes to sniff drugs

[plain kindle]

Mhm

I just don’t want him trying to offer me it

[ivory phoenix]

Just say no?

[plain kindle]

He keeps trying

[ivory phoenix]

Ohh

[plain kindle]

But it’s fine, I just decline it each time lmao

[ivory phoenix]

Alr good good

[plain kindle]

Mhm mhm

[potent talon]

Wtf

Kicks his balls next time he offers you one

[plain kindle]

Pff, mhm

4th bag

[potent talon]

Holy shi

[plain kindle]

Yeah

[plain kindle]

5th

He went into the bathroom now

6th fucking bag

Shit

[potent talon]

No way

Bro's rizzing up death itself

[plain kindle]

Lol

I’m think im having another anxiety attack

7th

[plain kindle]

I feel better

I’m not having the attack anymore, but I feel like crying

8th

[plain kindle]

9th

10th

He’s probably sniffed it like 30 or more times

[plain kindle]

11th

[plain kindle]

12

[plain kindle]

I think 13 now

He just kept getting up and kept doing it

Honestly, I’m glad I’m at my dad’s, if I was home right now I wouldn’t be okay. And honestly I feel like if I go home, I’m gonna relapse

[plain kindle]

So it’s 15 now, he did it twice while we were eating, he just excused himself those times

He’s already losing his appetite and seems more fidgety.
He also gave me his food, and is starting to become more nice out of a sudden? I got up to pour something to drink and I think he got “shocked”? And said “Hey, no! You sit down and eat, I’ll pour you something to drink!”

Something seems off.. does he know about the ed?

Or is he just being irregularly super nice?

I think he saw my scars again, the new ones on my arms. He didn’t say anything, I’m afraid he is going to say something though.

Last time he did, he kept checking my arms for any new cuts. Which was sweet in a way, but I felt a lot of pressure from it

And was also one of the reasons why I started doing it on my thighs, so he would think I was clean, but I never really was

Anyway

16 days no sh

[plain kindle]

16

I think he’s done for now

Hopefully

[potent talon]

I feel like

This guy's either just being nice in general

Or it's because you know he does drugs

Either way, he's struggling about these and is trying to find someone to like cope with (iygm)

Keep talking to him about rehabilitation cuz drugs are bad, he might end up in ICU

[plain kindle]

He’s talking to someone right now, and they’re a couple. But I’m pretty sure he started long after they started talking

Maybe he’s coping with her?? Idk

[plain kindle]

Mhm

[plain kindle]

Just woke up and that’s already on my mind, along with the ||attempt plan||

it’s whatever

[radiant wharf]

I’m here for you. Do you need to talk about it?

[plain kindle]

No, I’m okay right now. Thank you 🫶

[plain kindle]

The night that my sa happened, I told my cousin first about it, and then my aunt. My aunt then went to tell my mom about it, and then my mom talked to her boyfriend, my grandma found out after, they then both started talking to me. What I found strange was that, they both were more concerned on the fact that I told and talked to my aunt, rather than the fact that her boyfriend literally SA’ed me.

Her boyfriend even yelled at me, saying “Okay, but why would you tell your aunt?! Now they’re gonna go off and tell the whole family!”

My mom was right there.

She just told him, “She didn’t know who else to talk to!”

While he kept rambling off, and she didn’t say anything else

I sticked to that one line

“She didn’t know”

It feels to me, in how she said it, it feels like she meant to say “she didn’t know any better.”

I can’t believe I felt bad for him, I can’t believe I blame myself for it still.

I blame myself for what happened, and I hate it.

Maybe if I wore something different, maybe if I was somewhere else, maybe if I left?

I blame it all on myself. My mom’s pain, the family drama after, everything bad that happened because of that, I blame it on myself.

Maybe if I stayed quiet, maybe if I just forgot about it after

Now I’m afraid to speak up whenever anything happens, because of the SA.

I wasn’t listened to correctly, they only got upset at me, the problem got worse, all because I spoke to someone about it

And now, I just hate myself for what happened

I hate him, and I hate myself, for what he did.

I hate the way I spoke up, I hate the way how people reacted, I hate the way the problem got worse, I hate everything, I even hate my body because of it

Is my body the problem? Am I the cause for his actions?

Was it my fault, my body’s fault, for him doing that?

I feel like it is my fault, maybe if I just did something different to my appearance, none of that would have happened.

I am to blame, I am the problem.

I’m the problem to everything that has happened to me, nobody else’s.

It’s my fault, I should be treated horribly.

[plain kindle]

I really want to fucking relapse rn

[plain kindle]

Been numb for about 2 hours lmfao

I seriously can’t feel anything

[plain kindle]

I really lost hope for everything, huh? It’s worse than last time. I think about ||killing myself|| and ||hurting myself|| almost all the time. And the thing is, I want to sometimes. And a lot of times that is, because it’s everyday.

I’m such a mess. What the fuck is wrong with me, I hate myself. I’m so selfish and a horrible person. Wanting to ||kill|| myself, I’ll just hurt everyone

I can’t even trust myself anymore, I feel like the actions that I do aren’t the same as my thoughts.

At this point, I can’t even fix myself if I wanted. Even with help I wouldn’t be able to get better. I’m already too fucked up for that, I’m just getting worse from now on.

[plain kindle]

Again? Lmao

I never had those thoughts in the morning before, hm. Ig I’m just getting them more now

I always have them, but it hasn’t been this much. I have these thoughts almost all day now.

It’s been happening more often after; the attempt plan. And I’ve been more eager to.. actually retry.

I don’t want to, but a part of me isn’t sure

It’s been eating me alive. I feel like one day I’ll lose control of myself and possibly hurt myself in one way or another because of these thoughts becoming more occurring.

And this has happened, but only when I sh. I lose control and can’t manage myself to keep clean, so I relapse without being able to stop my own actions. It feels almost as if I’m being controlled, it’s weird.

Oh and I’ve been eating normally again, and have been for the past 2 weeks, which is good. But, I’ve been feeling more ashamed and guilt over it. My body dysmorphia has been all over the place, and I don’t want to eat anything anymore.

[plain kindle]

Rooms a mess, I have no motivation to do anything, I feel hopeless, my parents are leaving again so the thoughts are coming back, I’m drained, and overwhelmed

My mom left me to clean the house, I’m feeling so overwhelmed and tired by it.

[plain kindle]

The same things just happen over and over again, nothing will ever change, It’s as if I’m stuck in a loop.

[potent talon]

Aw shucks

I feel you man

The feeling of leaving shit to you

[plain kindle]

I really cannot do this today lmao, I feel like breaking down

I haven’t had anxiety attacks for 2 days, which is good

I’m just gonna go on a walk, not go home for hours hopefully, I don’t want to be anywhere near home rn.

I just, hope the thoughts won’t come up when I’m out. Because I’m honestly afraid of my own actions

I’ll go in a bit

I dont know what to do

I don’t want to die

But a part of me, just wants to already

I’m tearing up

What if I follow the plan tonight? Would anyone know or care

My mind is all over the place, I just need to leave the house.

I want to get out of here

I can’t handle being here right now

[fast bison]

first of all

I would care

i would definitly care.

second of all

drink water

water is great it will help : )

Please do not follow the plan tonight

I want to see tou alive and well tmr

and overmorrow

[potent talon]

Nah, I don't think she'll do it

She can't do it

[fast bison]

I really hope fore that to be true

but

please tell me why that si

i

s

The second leading cause of teenage deaths is---you guessed it---suicide

please do not undermine their situations

[potent talon]

Because ||if she's able to eat and still feel guilty for it, then the same thing she can't do suicide without thinking too much. Only way to commit is when you give it all up together— no hope, no one etc you get me?||

[fast bison]

I really do get you

[potent talon]

No, I'm not undermining their situation

[fast bison]

you do have a point

[potent talon]

She's really there

Like

[fast bison]

but

you know what

[potent talon]

Closer to improving

[fast bison]

im not going into what ifs

this is therapy

not theoretical

[potent talon]

Can't say what ifs. I used to say what ifs and then it happens. That's why I always say that

The thingy

I just said

[fast bison]

Please do not say the theoretical in someone's therapy thread.

Remember, this is their lofe

life

[potent talon]

No I don't say it in a theoretical way

But I do get you

I say it to describe something about her, like how strong she is, not being theoretical

[fast bison]

i appreciate it

i really do

and it really did give me insight

[potent talon]

Well, I still apologise

[fast bison]

but let's hope that she took it the right way

sigh

[potent talon]

Well yeah

[fast bison]

Nono, no need! ofc we're all trying here 🥲

[potent talon]

Oh wait she's back at her mom's 😭

Hsjsjhahshhsjsjajhsjs

I hate her mom

[plain kindle]

Yes, I did take it the right way. And I understand what you meant, you do have a point.
It’s just, I’ve already left home, and I don’t feel anything right now. I’m already going to the store to buy the 8in blade. I have no thoughts or feelings rn

[fast bison]

Baloni, if there's any way i can help..

idk. please don't buy that blade, it's a horrible investment.

Please don't do this. People like me care

I might just be a stranger on the internet to you but i'm also a human being, and if i were with you right now i'd do everything in my power to stop

but unfortunatly i cannot

so please just listen to words

If you really feel nothing

just know that we all feel for you, ok?

Please have a great day!!

[potent talon]

Hey Baloni, I know you're going through the horrible storm right now. Got swooped in a tornado (America do have a lot of tornadoes) and can't go back down, just stucked in a rotation of repetitive agony. But, I just wanna say you're doing a good process in eating

I'm happy that you still managed to eat despite all

I hope you get home soon and love yourself more. I know home is shithole right now. And I don't really know how to help in any way so I'm stuck with words. But anyway, if you get home: go upstairs, lay down on bed, cry and don't bottle up your emotions then eat

[honest crest]

Is it normal to feel embarrassed about being sa’d?

[plain kindle]

I feel horrible

[plain kindle]

Not even sure what to say here

[potent talon]

Hi

[plain kindle]

Hey

[plain kindle]

It’s just been getting worse after that night. I feel like shit

[plain kindle]

Gonna be a rough few months lmao ‼️ Trying to get therapy but I’m 100% sure I’m gonna be sent to a psych ward haha

Just means I can’t open up about how I hurt myself and tried killing myself more than once lololol

Also meaning I can’t open up about how my mom starved me cause I would be sent somewhere else lmfao

Which sounds like a great idea from how much that has happened to me because of her, but I’m actually super attached to my mom and love her so much even though she’s left me with so much trauma pffff

Oh I forgot, I wrote a suicide note a few weeks ago and never told anyone about it because I was actually planning the attempt longer before

I still have it somewhere hidden 💯

Which was the same few weeks where I kept relapsing and cutting myself and not telling anyone because I couldn’t and still can’t handle talking to anyone about it because I’ll start freaking out and having an anxiety attack. Then I would feel relief but guilt after avoiding the subjects because I actually want to get help but I feel like an attention seeking bitch who just wants the validation when I do try, so instead of trying to recover in all of this bullshit by seeking for help I don’t do anything and try to help myself without asking anyone else because I feel like I’ll just be bothering them. 🫶‼️🙏

Oh and that was also one of the reasons why I didn’t try to reach out to anyone when I was gonna kill myself ‼️ I thought if I reached I would just become even a bigger problem for people to worry about, so why not just kms and hope for the best for everyone else right??

[plain kindle]

Wrong, because my best friend reached out to me that night texting me and panicking because of what I was gonna do. I was already in the store, in the correct aisle, in front of the blade ready to grab it. So when they texted me, spamming me a bit, it made me snap back into reality and I began crying, I got really overwhelmed and almost had a panic attack. The thing is, I didn’t immediately realize what I was doing, so when I spoke to them I was still numb and still following the plan. I didn’t “snap back” until a few minutes later of talking to them. I felt terrible that night, knowing I could’ve ended all of the suffering there and then, but I didn’t, and I still regret that a bit. I feel like pathetic, I can’t even follow a stupid plan to kill myself.

Well, I don’t regret it only “a bit.” That’s a lie, I regret a lot. So much that I can’t even handle explaining it.

But, I’m glad that he was there. He did save me, and I’m grateful. 💙

I’m gonna buy bandages this weekend because I honestly cannot trust myself in staying clean, especially with everything going on lol. And I definitely feel like I might go to deep and hurt myself more then I already do 👍

[potent talon]

Bro just tell the therapist

About what's going on

Ik you got attached but man you're gonna get cooked

[plain kindle]

lmao, that’s true though

My moms boyfriend keeps sitting on the couch, which is in front of my room. The last time’s he’s done that, he faked being asleep on the couch to peek through the crack on my door while I changed. I have no idea why he’s starting to sit and lay on the couch again, because he hasn’t in a while. I’m just really uncomfortable from it

I don’t want to leave my room anymore when he’s there

[plain kindle]

Crying lol, I’ve been crying a lot lately

[plain kindle]

I don’t feel okay at all

[plain kindle]

Even when I’m trying my best, people think I’m doing the worst. I really am trying, but it’s hard keep on going when all you wanna do is give up.

[plain kindle]

I found the blade, I planned on grabbing it to see where I can throw it away. But now, I’m just panicking.

I’m shaking over just holding it lmao, I’m putting it away. I can’t throw it away anywhere right now

I keep hearing noises, like tapping and knocking noises outside my door. I started panicking out of nowhere from this, I don’t know why

My eyesight kept flashing different colors as if I was imagining things

I couldn’t breathe properly, I was shaking and panicking again

I’m okay now, I sat down on the floor and controlled my breathing

I want to throw up, I feel so lightheaded

[valid reef]

@plain kindle

Hey!

What's going on @plain kindle

Could you please tell me in dms?

[plain kindle]

I feel better right now, I don’t want to talk in DMs at the moment if that’s okay

[valid reef]

Okay.

[plain kindle]

Cousin told me that he was on mushrooms yesterday

First he was on Nozin, which is normal for him ig

He always does that

And then he took mushrooms lmao

[plain kindle]

I keep shaking

[plain kindle]

I just realized that the reason I get scared to tell anyone anything or to do something wrong, is because of the way my mom used to hit me and get angry at me all the time for the littlest things (She had, and still has anger issues but it’s getting better ig)

And I feel like everyone or anyone I open up to will react the same way my mom has

[plain kindle]

Wingstop cured my depression ‼️💯

[outer stratus]

Ayyy

WHat kind of wings?

[plain kindle]

Original hot and barbecue fr

[outer stratus]

ooh

tasty

[plain kindle]

Mhm mhm

[outer stratus]

i could probably down a dozen wings rn ngl

anyway

hru?

[plain kindle]

lol 😭

[plain kindle]

Alright

My mood got better lmao

[outer stratus]

I mean, if wingstop makes you happy, go to wingstop

[plain kindle]

Lmfao 😭

[outer stratus]

There is nothing wrong with that

everybody likes dif things

[plain kindle]

Wingstop❤️🙏

Loll

[outer stratus]

lol

[outer stratus]

do u like buffalo wings?

[plain kindle]

Yeah pff

Only had it once tho

[outer stratus]

if you ever make wings yourself, here is what you do

First

Salt and pepper

[plain kindle]

LMAO THE EMOJI 😭

[outer stratus]

second, squeeze on some lemon

some bbq sauce or what ever marinate u want, and a lil more lemon

[plain kindle]

✍️

[outer stratus]

grill it or air fry

holy hell is it good

my dads recipe

[plain kindle]

I need to try thatt lol