a journal of my life

[manic jackal]

They will take the last piece of anything just to annoy

They will sing extra loud so that you can hear it

They will snitch you🥰

I could probably go on😭

But i love her, without her i would not have been here like this haha

[magic matrix]

I wish my siblings cared about me.

[manic jackal]

I can promise you that they do, sometimes they just dont show it. And even refuse to say it

[magic matrix]

Maybe.

[manic jackal]

I dont think that its a maybe:)

[magic matrix]

I think it's a no.

[manic jackal]

Why?

[magic matrix]

Everyone hates me.

[manic jackal]

Thats mostly just your head telling you thag

I understand the feeling, but its not true

[magic matrix]

I believe its true with not just my head, but with my hear.

I believe I dont deserver anything.

Even living sometimes.

[manic jackal]

Sorry to hear that

[magic matrix]

3000 messages

yay...

[manic jackal]

Here?

Damn

[magic matrix]

yup

[manic jackal]

How long ago did this even start?

It cant be to long

I think january

I need to text more

Imma start to yap in a few🥰

[magic matrix]

Alright, good luck with that...

[manic jackal]

Thanks!

[warm otter]

yeah i would have made any sibling want to strangle me probably

[manic jackal]

I have that feeling sometimes🥰

[warm otter]

aaaaaaaa i lived in an apartment with this 8 year old he would never leave me alone heh

[manic jackal]

But i cant into them ofc

[manic jackal]

Omg i hate that

[warm otter]

i used to take him on walks through the woods down this creek every once in a while on the weekend

[manic jackal]

I would have left him right there🥰

[warm otter]

which took like hours each time because we're good at getting sidetracked

[manic jackal]

Nicee

[warm otter]

but busy so I'd only have time to do it once in a while and he would just CONSTANTLY try talking with me

anyways sorry

[manic jackal]

Omg😭

A true yapper by heart

I respect that

[manic jackal]

Dont be, i love talking to others especially here honestly

[warm otter]

why so?

[magic matrix]

Everyonr

Everything

[warm otter]

\o/

[manic jackal]

Now i cant yall are venting

Imma yap later

[magic matrix]

Alright.

[warm otter]

ok i am going to need more than that heh

[magic matrix]

uh

[warm otter]

what is actually going on?

[magic matrix]

uh

a lot

[warm otter]

.-.

[magic matrix]

hw shoudl I start?

My parents are divorced

SChool has been making me do nothing other than it

I recently took a mental break so I guess thats good.

those are main two things

[warm otter]

how long ago did that happen? how is it for you?

you go between parents, or with one you'd rather not be, or ...

[warm otter]

wdym? what sort of things?

like community service? only thing I've heard of like that

[warm otter]

that is good!!

[magic matrix]

It happened at the start of Covid-19, it's been bad, I have to switch houses, and before that I was earning mental trouble from them always arguing.

[magic matrix]

Homework, extra help, helping others with extra help and helping teachers with stuff which leaves me with bareley anything else to do, which makes me feel bad because I have to focus on multiple things with zero motivation.

[manic jackal]

a dresss + the sketches im working on, this was made in like 20 minutes, and i still have around 9 hours to finnish it off!

sorry to disturb btw, but il forget otherwise

its really quiet....

omg im going to cry

i didnt get an invite to billies listening party

i knew that i should have listend more

darnit

im tired but i have to stay up for like 1 hour

and then il get 7 hours of sleep, the most ive gotten this week was 5 hours so thats nice:)

[manic jackal]

we survived the day (as far as i know)

[neon veldt]

i absolutely love the vision, i can’t wait to see it finished

[manic jackal]

Thank you! I also can't wait I'm really exited

[neon veldt]

i bet it’ll look great man!

[manic jackal]

We will see:)

[manic jackal]

Oh my god another fan

[manic jackal]

YESSSS

[manic jackal]

OH MA GAA

[manic jackal]

HOW EXITED ARE YOU ABOUT HMHAS

[manic jackal]

SOOOO EXCITED

It releases in an hour for me omf

[manic jackal]

DAMN

I STILL NEED TO WAIT 9 HOURS

OH WOW

[manic jackal]

Yeah😔

[manic jackal]

Okey so I stayed up until 12am for the album

And it's so fucking good omg

Like it's so sad,cool,amazing good

Like wtf

[manic jackal]

I played it like 15 times today🧍‍♀️

Well that's my new obsession

I'm probably falling back in a depression episode

So that sucks

My mood has been lower, and my energy is pretty much no where

[manic jackal]

today was my b-day party for family

and jesus

my batery is dead

im tired

nearly had a panick attack

and i had to go upstairs like 5 times for atleast 10 min to hold myself together

anyways

i got girl in pieces, a tanktop, money, and concert tickets

tomorrow il have my party with my friends which im very exited for

although that will take me a lot of energy

which i hate but oh well

[manic jackal]

Guess who's birthday it is!

[neon veldt]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

[manic jackal]

THANK YOUU

[neon veldt]

OFC! 🤍

[manic jackal]

My boyfriend has not even told me happy b-day yet

[manic jackal]

Im so fucking sick of my dad

He just gets mad at me for no fucking reason, and God forbid that i yell back

I get scared that he will hit me once he gets a little close

Fuck i hate this bs

[neon veldt]

if he does call cps i had to call them twice on mine. no one deserves abuse

[manic jackal]

Nah i wont do that, but it sucks

I wont call it abuse though

[neon veldt]

well depending on what he does

[manic jackal]

Not much anymore, its mostly screaming for nothing atm. But he used to hit me

Mostly because i wouldnt listen when i was younger

[manic jackal]

My billie wall:)

[warm otter]

I read this as "today was my bday party for family and Jesus"

[manic jackal]

BHAHAHAA

imagine

oh yeah i forgot to update this

im so smart

wow

anyways, havent been able to stay clean

and im still hating life

[warm otter]

happy birthday :)

this implies though that

your bf, still alright?

[manic jackal]

he told me later though

[manic jackal]

yep

[warm otter]

did anything happen that day? any talk about it since?

[warm otter]

i like the ceiling :D

[manic jackal]

not any of that

[manic jackal]

thanks haha

[warm otter]

so it's just been, unaddressed and unspoken about?

[manic jackal]

Yep

He gets anxious or something when we talk about it

He shuts it down once I try

[warm otter]

:/ well you are doing all that you can do, it sounds like

[manic jackal]

I'm trying

Wanna know something fun? (Your gonna hear it either way)

[warm otter]

I can understand him wanting to keep it unspoken about, but it's counter productive, it doesn't really help either person

heh, sure :D

[manic jackal]

Yeah

[manic jackal]

I thought about you today haha

[warm otter]

awee, what about :DD

[manic jackal]

Just thinking about how you havent commented in a while haha

Was wondering how you where, but then proceeded to forget to ask you

[warm otter]

heh, yeaa I'm bad at keeping up with things and people

work in progress ™️

[manic jackal]

Dont worry about it,honestly crazy that you really read it haha

[warm otter]

:)

so what else is up with you

still no hockey?

[manic jackal]

Im actually going today, and tomorrow i have 2 games (one game for a team higher then me)

[warm otter]

:O nice!!

[manic jackal]

Yeah!

[warm otter]

good luck :D

would be fun

[manic jackal]

And the rest of my life is way to much haha

[manic jackal]

I hope so:)

[warm otter]

nnnnnot too much

[manic jackal]

Believe me it is haha

But in very short

Im dropping a friend atm, idk about my other friends

Mental health is going backwards

I cant keep up with myself

And stress level is high

[warm otter]

same friend you said you were dropping? that's a good thing!!

what makes you unsure about your other friends?

[manic jackal]

Yep

[manic jackal]

They keep talking shit about her with me, but they also keep talking nice to her

[warm otter]

have you told them how that makes you feel?

[manic jackal]

I kinda realised this today, but i will definitely talk with them about this

Because im the bad guy rn

While we all decided that this was the best thing

[warm otter]

some people really have problems being confrontational

[warm otter]

yes, can only help :)

[manic jackal]

Yep, i also do but not with this girl

[warm otter]

lmfao

[manic jackal]

She definitely broke my trust and love for her

Crazy how fast that changed haha

[manic jackal]

I hope so, because what if thats what they also do with me🤷

[warm otter]

some people change, some people show their true colors

[manic jackal]

Yeah she did both🥰

[warm otter]

heh

[manic jackal]

And it was all because she is depressed and shit

Idk

She probably doesnt even have any depression what so ever but hey

Girl talked with the whole group about how she will || kill herself|| before she's 20🧍

[manic jackal]

Yeah, she already was a little toxic, but she changed a lot since like 4 months ago

[warm otter]

IMO, enacting in accordance with karma/justice is the best thing you can do for people. if she does shitty things, and loses friends because of it, then well the lesson of the consequences of actions kinda slaps her in the face

doesn't force her to learn from it, but forces her to confront how bad actions have bad consequences. amazing how many people continue to look away though when confronted with their own actions being shitty

[manic jackal]

Yep, thats kinda another reason why im dropping her, i was confident that my other friends would also do it though, because they where also fed up they said

[warm otter]

women. :p

no but I'm sure if you talk with them about it you can all get on the same page

[manic jackal]

HEY?!

[manic jackal]

Yeah we did, but then they decided to act nice towards her (i ignore her)

[warm otter]

I HAD TO

[manic jackal]

😔

[warm otter]

"i feel X because Y" < give your friends an 'i feel' statement about how their actions toward the girl affect you

[warm otter]

NOOOOOOO I DIDN'T MEAN IT (mostly)

[manic jackal]

Yeah i will

[manic jackal]

💀

[warm otter]

:D

[warm otter]

what are things that have been contributing to this??

[manic jackal]

Boyfriend, and the situation with my friend

[warm otter]

the whole bf thing scares me. especially him being secretive/closed off about things and not having a plan to get in a better place

and I'm also unsure if there's anything you could even do to nudge him along. he has to want to get better and express problems to even be nudgeable

[manic jackal]

Yeah i know, but i cant do anything so yeah

[warm otter]

you know, boyfriends are supposed to improve your life and help with anxiety, not the other way around :p

[manic jackal]

yeah, not really his fault though. not his fault that i stress so much for his life yk

well maybe kinda

but ig im happy i know this

so id say its not rlly his fault haha

[manic jackal]

Im probably gonna sell my guutar to my friend

Because i know that she will use it way more then i do, so yeah:)

[manic jackal]

fuck idk what to do

my bf is mad at me

idk why

he told me to fuck off

idk what i did

im worried

i just had a pannick attack

and now its also thundering and idk what to do

i just want him with me

he told me that i broke his trust

even though i had already said sorry for thta thing and that thing was like 2 months ago

he said that i didnt break his trust at that time

so idk why he is this mad all of the sudden

but i also dont know what to do

he said somethign about me gossipping, eventhough i never really did that, and if i did i always said that i caused it and that it was my fault

and something like i talked more to my besties then him which i wont even deny because its true

but thats because i see them everyday and i dont see him as often

and trough text he doesnt respond as much

so idk what he's talking about

i also dont know what to do

maybe its best for him if i break up?

i honestly dont know what to do

[manic jackal]

Feeling down once again

[manic jackal]

We talked this out btw, it went really good

[manic jackal]

i just send an email to my hockey club! so i might coach a team next year!

these is a small change but im still so exited honestly

otherwise i will just try it out again next year

[warm otter]

you already know that this is the best answer, but you are unwilling to make that step.

i return-- again sorry for forgetting

[warm otter]

you already know that this is the best answer, but you are unwilling to make that step.

^ it was meant to be a reply to that message

[warm otter]

this isn't even a bad thing this is pretty healthy, especially if it is a long distance relationship (which if my memory serves, this is)

[warm otter]

and this is just getting to ridiculous levels soph like what

he is yelling at you for something as if it is your fault for his current feelings, with objectively no ration behind this

and it's also an action that yknow, i can't think of words other than toxic/manipulative

[warm otter]

yes, maybe kinda :p

[warm otter]

i thought you loved playing that guitar!! you not planning on getting another one?

[warm otter]

why so this time :)

[warm otter]

:O nice, that's awesome!! here's hoping :D

[manic jackal]

Not really honestly, i loved the sounds that it made etc. But i hated to try and learn it haha

[manic jackal]

I had no idea hah

[manic jackal]

Yeah we will see!

[manic jackal]

Yeah idk

Its going great now honestly

Ive been having these "attacks" especially while playing my hockey game. Im suspecting that its a panick attack but i dont want to jump into conclusions.
It happens when im really high in my emotions, my breath catches in my throat and i kinda start to panick from there on. I start to hyperventilate but i can keep it under control, that part is what makes me think that it isnt a panick attack

[warm otter]

hmmmmmmmmm that doesnt sound good :D

i honestly do not know anything about attacks tbh

you think it's psychological and not physiological though?

[warm otter]

hmmm what songs did you learn? :D

[warm otter]

keyword: 'now'

[manic jackal]

I learnt small parts of "i love you" and "my strange addictcion"

[manic jackal]

Yeah

[manic jackal]

I think its physiolocical, because i dont have it all the time evernthough i put in just as nuch effort

[warm otter]

yeah well that's ungreat :b have you told your coach about it?

the attacks things

[warm otter]

:D that's good!!

[manic jackal]

Not really, the season is nearly done so il see how next season goes

[manic jackal]

Not really haha, i could have done more but it doesnt matter the guiter will be sold:)

[warm otter]

rrr

didn't your season just start??

[manic jackal]

Nope! Just one more game and the season is over:)

.

Never knew that praying with a rosemary is this complicated

Im just looked it up and its not obvious at al😭

[manic jackal]

IEEE I FINALLY UNDERSTAND IT!

https://mijnonbevlekthart.nl/artikelen/hoe-bid-je-de-rozenkrans

(so i dont forget because i will otherwise)

[manic jackal]

well today sucked honestly

i came really far with my corset for art class though

[warm otter]

You’re making a corset for an art class?

[warm otter]

Why so, what happened?

[warm otter]

Ooooooooooooo IVE NEVER DONE THIS

[manic jackal]

A dress, but the dress has a corset!

[manic jackal]

I also still havent haha

[warm otter]

Ohhhhhhh interesting

[manic jackal]

Uhmm i forgot🧍‍♀️

[warm otter]

Do you have a rosemary thing to do it with??

[manic jackal]

Just got pics from my hockey game!

[manic jackal]

Yep!

[warm otter]

Woah you got skilled photographers, must be a bigshot team :D

[manic jackal]

Not at all haha, just a mom that does it as a hobby!

[warm otter]

Heh well she is very very good :)

[manic jackal]

Definitely!

[warm otter]

Oh huh you use balls instead of pucks over there for field hockey, the more you know

[manic jackal]

Yeah😭

I get so confussed on how you guys basically know nothing about field hocjey haha

[warm otter]

When we don’t play hockey on ice over here we do it usually on pavement, never fields

Looks like it’d be fun tho!

[warm otter]

Ooo a flower design

[manic jackal]

Ohhh

[manic jackal]

Not anymore, they didnt have that fabric haha

[warm otter]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

so sad

[manic jackal]

Ikr

But oh well we cant have everything haha

[warm otter]

Wdym, does this mean I don’t get a yacht??

[manic jackal]

Oh yeah my friend group fell appart like yesterday🧍‍♀️

[manic jackal]

What?

[warm otter]

Whatttt happened

[warm otter]

I was under the impression i could get everything including a yacht and private airplane

[manic jackal]

A girl in the group tjat was toxic af so I left her, and she made everything fall appart

[manic jackal]

Ohh yeah definitely once you turn 18 you get that

[warm otter]

Oh the same chick?

[manic jackal]

BHAHAHAHA YEAH

[warm otter]

Howd she do it

[manic jackal]

By sending a message to a girl saying that we aren't allowed to sit by her anymore and that the rest has to chose who they want to sit with ( I still had like 10 people sitting at my table while she had 2 others )

[warm otter]

Heh sounds like you won?

[manic jackal]

Yeah, but I alr knew that

Everything I did was with the friendgroup yk, so I dropped her and I made that decision with the rest

So that's how I won it🤷‍♀️

I just played it all smart

[warm otter]

Well hey, no more toxicity in your group, congrats (:

[manic jackal]

Yeah exactly I'm so happy that that's over with

(She said that she wanted to do suicide because of me💀)

[warm otter]

Sigh, people say a lot of things

For different reasons

[manic jackal]

Fr, well we honestly think that she's lying with a lot of her problems

But she isn't our problem anymore so idc as much

[warm otter]

Yeah that’s what it sounds like

The best thing for people is to experience the consequences of their actions, the greatest and most humbling teacher

[manic jackal]

Yep

[warm otter]

And I don’t think there’s much of a chance that’s what she’s actually planning on doing, or if it was, that anything anybody in your group did contributed to that

[manic jackal]

Nope, we did everything we could to stop her but she got mad

One of the many reasons I left her

[warm otter]

Smart move :)

[manic jackal]

Yep haha

[warm otter]

So lifes starting to get better??

Oh yeah hockey season over :/

Do you do any sports during the other seasons?

[manic jackal]

Nope

[manic jackal]

Still one game left

[manic jackal]

Not rlly

[warm otter]

:< why not?

[manic jackal]

It still all sucks

[warm otter]

What’s still bad then

[manic jackal]

Everything

[warm otter]

Heh, what about ‘everything’ is making it bad?

[manic jackal]

Feelings

Urges

Stress

School

[warm otter]

What specific feelings? And what stressors?

I’m guessing school is a stressor?

And the urges are for sh?

[manic jackal]

Yep

[manic jackal]

Mainly

[manic jackal]

wow i just tried to sleep and i started to cry

its curently 12 am and i just want to sleep

i got to help a lot of people today which honestly made me feel pretty good

[manic jackal]

when im watchign the concert of billie and she plays my favorite song so i start to cry

BUT NOW I CANT STOP CRYING

[manic jackal]

uhm im crying for the third time today about litarly nothing

hormones are going crazy

[warm otter]

hello

hoping you are still on third :)

mix of emotions? happy and sad? or

what would you need for a future free of most of your current stressors

ALSO i figured out how to get mobile notifications for this discord without my phone blowing up due to all the listener pings so hopefully I don't go on more 1+ month hiatuses :b

( and hopefully more active here in general )

[manic jackal]

Nope I wasn't haha

[manic jackal]

No school:)

[manic jackal]

That's amazing!

[warm otter]

heh, well that's coming soon no?

[manic jackal]

Uhm in 5 weeks

[warm otter]

:/ is today going better?

FIVE WEEKS

[manic jackal]

Nope

[manic jackal]

Yep

[warm otter]

five weeks is short o.o plans after that??

what happened today

that's making it go less than great

[manic jackal]

I wouldn't call it short, well or I will lay in my bed, or il work haha

[manic jackal]

Well I just woke up so nothing to bad, but I have a geography and math test and I have frech today.

[warm otter]

five weeks is shorter than 3 years, which is how long i have till im done w school :P

heh sound like very concrete plans

[manic jackal]

Oh damn I meant 5 weeks until my break, 5 years until I'm done with schook

[warm otter]

good luck on your geography and math tests!!!!

five YEARS

what

what kinda school are you going to

[manic jackal]

Yeah including my police school

[manic jackal]

Wdym?

Rn high-school?? I think it's called?

[warm otter]

oh wow, i assumed you were older

[manic jackal]

I hear that one a lot

But nope I'm 14 hahaha

[warm otter]

wait

no way

four, teen???????

[manic jackal]

Yes way

[manic jackal]

Yep

(Just turned 14 to make it better )

[warm otter]

wows

haven't you been with your bf for years?

[manic jackal]

No😭

[warm otter]

oh, i assumed a lot then

how long?

[manic jackal]

2,5 months. But we've known eachother for like 6-8 months

[warm otter]

I've been hearing his problems for the past 2.5 months .___.

[manic jackal]

👁👄👁

Nah ah

[warm otter]

yuh huh

[manic jackal]

Nah ah

[warm otter]

and im correct this is ur first bf?

[manic jackal]

I think he wants to break up but he's to pussy to say so (same)

[manic jackal]

Yep

[warm otter]

lol so you both want to break up but don't want to at the same time??

been there

i think everyones first relationship has been there tbh

[manic jackal]

No idea he keeps being like "you should leave me" "your only getting worse sophie"

🧍‍♀️

[manic jackal]

Damn that shit sucks

[warm otter]

i also get the impression you know you want/need to get out of this relationship, but going from taken to single is always sucky (your first time)

man I knew I had to leave my first relationship after 5 months

it dragged on to 1.5 years of misery because I couldn't just get the balls to leave

don't be me.

[manic jackal]

That last thing is honestly pretty funny like, thank you sir didn't notice that my mental health was going backwards
👁️👄👁️

[warm otter]

lol yeah sounds too pussy to do it to me

[manic jackal]

Imagine calling me a pussy😔

[manic jackal]

Il try

[warm otter]

i meant him!!

[manic jackal]

I had this cheese sandwich but it's to much😔 (honestly very happy since this will be the first steps against my binge eating)

[manic jackal]

Mhm suree I would also say that

[warm otter]

hey, first steps, that's a very very very great thing :)

[manic jackal]

HELP THIS SONG IS ON AGAIN AND MY DUMBASS NEARLY CRIED AGAIN

[manic jackal]

Yeah! I've been drinking a shit ton of green tea since I heard that it helped with some stuff

[warm otter]

green tea is good anyways :D

[manic jackal]

Yeah I never drink ik though haha

I burned my mouth🧍‍♀️

[warm otter]

you tea'd too hard

[manic jackal]

Yeah😔

I'm thirsty and hungry, I didn't bring anything and I still have 5 hours of school💀

[manic jackal]

Gonna go to the store for some food:)

[manic jackal]

I totally fuckwd up my math test

[warm otter]

oh nnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

[manic jackal]

Sadly yes

[warm otter]

remember

y=mx+b

[manic jackal]

Whats that🧍‍♀️

Just came back from a concert!

[manic jackal]

IEEE

I've been working on a special project with 2 friends

it's a magazine based on billie but then completely dutch

We just put it up for sale, and people already want to buy it!

so much good is sudenly happening haha

im not complaining at all though

[warm otter]

rise over run, multiplied by X, plus the Y intercept, equals Y!!!!!

[warm otter]

:O

[warm otter]

That's awesome, congrats!!!!

[warm otter]

\o/ woooooo

[manic jackal]

Ohh yeahhhh

[manic jackal]

Thank you!

[manic jackal]

Today is my last match of the season!

[manic jackal]

We won 6-1!

[warm otter]

Double congrats!!

[manic jackal]

@warm otter what did you try to send haha

[warm otter]

a credit card scam, ofc
Nah i was scrolling down through the announcements to mark em as read and i saw one about this server having an ‘official partnership’ with a billy eilish server

So i sent the link to the message

The bot doesn’t like me ;-;

[manic jackal]

Yeah I know about that one🫣

[manic jackal]

The bot hate everyone haha

[warm otter]

@agile yarrow noone likes u

[manic jackal]

Real

[warm otter]

Frfr

So how many copies did you sell of your magazine?

[manic jackal]

7 right now!

[warm otter]

O: awesome!!

[manic jackal]

@manic jackal I LOVE THE BILLIE STATUSES

I SEE THEM ALL THE TIME AND EVERYTIME IM LIKE ''OMG?!''

EE

[manic jackal]

ARE YOU A BILLIE FAN?!

YES😭😭😭

[manic jackal]

OMG THATS IEEE AMAZING I ALWAYS GET SO EXITED WHEN I MEET NEW BILLIE FANS

[manic jackal]

I THINK WEVE SPOKEN BEFORE LMAO

[manic jackal]

WE HAVE?!

GIRL I HAVE THE MEMORY OF A GOLDFISH SO IT WOULDNT SURPIRISE ME HAHAHA

LOOOOL

YES A FEW WEEKS AGO AFTER THE ALBUM CAME OUT DEFINITELY

I remember you

[manic jackal]

damn you got great memory then😭

(btw we just sold magazine 9!)

[manic jackal]

omg im like busy with the magazine and we made a dc serve

and now someone is changing stuff in it

and i hate it

but i dont want to be controlling so ill let her

but i hate this kind of change

thats very autistic of me-

i can swear i have autism

anyways

i can now cry

i already had a shit night without a reason

and now this

and ugh

[manic jackal]

I'm rn in dutch class

AND the teacher doesn't give af

😭

[manic jackal]

im very bored

darnit

i could be working on my magazine but im wat to lazy

[manic jackal]

im distancing myself so bad from my friends

not to sure what to do about it though

[warm otter]

Why so?

[manic jackal]

I have been feeling so down that it's nearly impossible for me to hang out with them

Yesterday I stayed up until like 2 am, and today it probably won't be early because I decided to clean my room, and once I decide that at the evening I'm done when my room is clean clean, and uhm yeah😭

[warm otter]

Well hey that’s great! Cleanliness approaches Godliness

But

Why the feeling down?

[manic jackal]

Not really haha

[manic jackal]

Not to sure tbh, it's just a random period of feeling absolute shit

[warm otter]

And getting out there and hanging out with friends, even if you don’t want to, wouldn’t make you feel better do you think?

[manic jackal]

Not really my social battery is low af lately

[warm otter]

:/ and what do you think the best thing would be to charge it?

[manic jackal]

Normally I just put my earbuds in and listen to music until I'm feeling alr again

Or I just go in a separate room and don't talk to anyone until I'm ready

Yk what's great? Having atleast 10 spiders in your room when you have a spider phobia🥰

Just lost motivation because I saw another spider ans I'm now scared💀

[manic jackal]

I still went ahead and went through with it and I'm already done with the majority, I'm now just gonna stop though:)

[manic jackal]

I cleaned my whole room

It's so clean now it's wierd

But it's clean haha

Rn I'm at a family bbq and it's alr

[royal star]

Those are real good

Had one with my friends before everybody has to go their different paths for their studies

[manic jackal]

definitely not, i hated the last 3 hours

i had cheered to fast

[manic jackal]

oehh

[royal star]

Ah I see

[royal star]

Different experiences
Maybe becoz that was with friends

[manic jackal]

probably:)

[royal star]

So what happened in the last 3 hrs ?

[manic jackal]

the fun people had to go and i was worn out

[royal star]

Damn leaving fast sucks

Especially the fun ones

Did u cook some ?

[manic jackal]

no haha

i cut up some things though, they knew i was a talent at that

[royal star]

💀

Salad and lettuce

It is

[manic jackal]

BHAHA IDK WHY BUT I FOUND IT SO FUNNY

[manic jackal]

no

i got to cut up some bell pepper and cucumber, something else to practice on

okey i really need to stop

having joking as a coping mechanism is so funny ngl

[royal star]

Coping for ?

[manic jackal]

honestly just live atm

istg after a mental breakdown or a bad day im so funny

more people should talk to me after i had a bad day

[royal star]

Self depricating jokes to the rescue
Yeah I know the feeling .

[manic jackal]

for real, its pretty funny honestly

[royal star]

Yeah funny .
For a while

[manic jackal]

as long as i get to keep the humour i find it alr, its better then actually doing the stuff:)

[royal star]

Well as long as PPL still takes u seriously for it , no worries

[manic jackal]

they do, i dont do it to often

but every once in a while. but its mostly when im alone that i just get really funny

[royal star]

U really try to lighten ur mood by telling jokes abt urself ?

[manic jackal]

no by telling jokes to myself

and besides my friendgroup luckly also has dark humour, but there is a good line between serious and joking by us

[royal star]

Mine too
But I used those jokes so much that sometimes I do feel frustrated

[manic jackal]

yeah i get that

[royal star]

But yeah u got great personality . And fun as well

Ig u just gotta feel a little positive abt urself

[manic jackal]

thanks haha

[manic jackal]

i normally dont, but when im in like a mood like this im so happy idk how/why

but il take it:)

[royal star]

Why ?

[manic jackal]

wdym why?

[royal star]

Feel good abt urself ?

[manic jackal]

oh, no idea tbh. guess im just hard on myself haha

but hey, being hard on yourself makes you better:)

[royal star]

Only If u also give urself a healthy amt of pats on ur back

[manic jackal]

okey random thing but: the ex of one of my friends just texted me and that ex is so sweet, like she genuine cares for me shes amazing.

makes me so happy that she doesnt hate me tbh

[manic jackal]

i try to, but i dont do that often

[royal star]

Me too
But u should try to dat
I do dat if I am able to achieve a target that I did set

[manic jackal]

yeah maybe il do it more often

[manic jackal]

also random note: YES MY FRIEND KNOWS ABOUT OUR CONTACT AND NO I DONT LOVE LOVE HER

[royal star]

Ngl , I can see why . It's good that she recognises u.

[manic jackal]

yeah! i honestly found it a bit akward especially after hey broke up, but she still cared for me idk i just found that so sweet haha

[royal star]

Well coz , it's their bond that ended , ur bond with her got nothing to do with their breakup

[manic jackal]

yeah i know, but idk something in my overthought about the whole situation ig haha

[royal star]

Don't overthinhk much
Sometimes , go with the flow

[manic jackal]

yeah thats also something i should work on haha

[royal star]

Great

Well glad that ur day has gone well

It's pretty late here , maybe I should try to sleep

[manic jackal]

yeah its also pretty late here haha, sleepwell!

[royal star]

What's the time

[manic jackal]

23:21

[royal star]

Feels early

[manic jackal]

real haha

[royal star]

U near germany ?

[manic jackal]

yes!

[royal star]

My friend has gone germany to study

[manic jackal]

oeh nice

[royal star]

Got a diff of 3:30 hrs

So I thought that u are near there

[manic jackal]

thats not to bad

[manic jackal]

well i am haha

[manic jackal]

just put out my second job aplication

kinda nervous on the results ig haha

in the next few weeks im also supose to hear if imma coach a hockey team!

[manic jackal]

i walked with a friend

and i just said stuff that i thought werent to bad

and she just said ''uhmm thats a sign of depression''

i swear ive heard that like 5 times today

she told me that i should fr get some help, im concidering it just not sure how to do that

[manic jackal]

my bf has this in my status (im hella insecure about my thighs he knows that and tells my that he loves them, but hers are way thiner)

gosh i hate this

idk why i feel so insecure

im probably just tripping

but yeah

[manic jackal]

its qurently 1 am im bored and sleepy

but i cant sleeo

i might just force myself

[manic jackal]

OMG IM GOING TO TAYLOR SWIFT

[manic jackal]

just bought my concert outfit:)

[manic jackal]

congrats

have fun

[manic jackal]

hello

[manic jackal]

thank you!

[manic jackal]

hi

[manic jackal]

how are you?

I am not very good, you?

[manic jackal]

im sorry to hear that, im alr

[manic jackal]

Where is the Tay swift concert?

i didnt know she was still on tour

[manic jackal]

Amsterdam

[manic jackal]

she definitely still is haha

[manic jackal]

cool

[manic jackal]

well have fun

[manic jackal]

thank you!

my concert fit:)

today was 29 celcius

and omg thats hot af

i had long pants because im uncomfertable in shorts atm

but tomorrow il wear a long skirt (the first time in 2 years)

but anyways

ive been feeling pretty great

i have so much to look up to

the concert

my school break

il go to the city with my friend saturday

[manic jackal]

finally madea docter appointment for my (i think) pannick attacks

we will see tomorrow:)

[manic jackal]

I might have to redo this school year

[manic jackal]

curently working on the magazine

i did a lot tbh

[manic jackal]

Wel I'm going to a pysio to help me

[manic jackal]

hopeit goes well

[manic jackal]

Thank you

[manic jackal]

oh yeah i dont!

im going to havo 3 (realschüle for my german folks)

[manic jackal]

this came in and its so cool!

i made a lot of keychains to trade so im exited!

[warm otter]

yesn't

[manic jackal]

omg heyyyyy

[warm otter]

having high standards, setting goals, being aware that you are deficient in things and putting effort into growth, yes being hard on yourself is good.
beating yourself up over things you already did, or things that can't change, or how you're feeling, is not healthy

comparing yourself to the ideal, to the point you feel like you're nothing, not healthy

[manic jackal]

got matching bracelets with my friend (i have the silver one)

[warm otter]

wooooooo

[manic jackal]

oh-

my head hurts:(

[warm otter]

what kind of help? (or is that what you don't know)

[manic jackal]

✨ therapy✨

[warm otter]

whyyyyyyyyyyyy is ur bf making a status of someone else's thighs -_-

[manic jackal]

dude dont ask me ask him

[warm otter]

thank you for putting this merican friendly terms ™️

[manic jackal]

huh🧍🏼‍♀️

wait

[manic jackal]

84,2 farhenheit

:))

[warm otter]

good!! getting out of your comfort zone and pushing yourself, just a little bit, is vital

[manic jackal]

yeah the boys where making fun of me but i didnt care i loved it

[warm otter]

:o

[warm otter]

O: nice!!

[warm otter]

i meant 'really hot' was friendly enough to mericans lmfao

[warm otter]

good!! ( tho idk why anyone would make fun )

[manic jackal]

well now you got a detailed version

[manic jackal]

(dont ask me they said i was getting married)

[manic jackal]

i dont have to👯

[warm otter]

so how did the job application go? you leading the hockey team???

[manic jackal]

dude both still didnt respond

im getting ghosted by both

[warm otter]

LMFAOOOOOOOOOO, they're not poking fun at how you look dw, just saying you look more fancy than you usually do :))

[warm otter]

did you already have the therapy

[manic jackal]

no they just practically hate me because i dont care about what they think

[warm otter]

what are the type of things you're usually hard on yourself for??

[manic jackal]

no

[manic jackal]

my acievements

[warm otter]

wdym?

[warm otter]

ehh perhaps but saying someone looks like they're about to get married imo is more a compliment than anything else :p

[manic jackal]

like when i played a good game im always like ''yeah well i couldve done that better and that better, i wasnt that good'' or with a drawing ''well its pretty bad''

[manic jackal]

now your putting it that way.....

i also get called billie eilish😎

im just that hot

[warm otter]

heh :D

[manic jackal]

[warm otter]

yeah when guys tease abt things like that they're rarely ever derogatory, just poking fun, they noticed you looked fancier than usual and told you :D

[manic jackal]

il definltely take this with me

[warm otter]

seeeeeeeee. it's great to look at how you messed up or how you could improve if you're doing it for the sole purpose of finding what needs improvement and how to improve. the best hockey player in the world can look back at their last game and find tons of room for improvement. it doesn't mean that you are bad or that your art is bad. literally nobody does things perfect. pick your head up, find what to train and improve on! does not make you bad

the real competition in hockey is not against the other team. it's with yourself. are you doing better this season than you were last season? that's the important competition

[manic jackal]

yeah i should work on this:)

[warm otter]

yourself

( also, when it comes to art, I think 'the beauty of imperfection' is very real )

[manic jackal]

(very real but not withmy art, then it just looks wierd)

[warm otter]

(x) doubt

[warm otter]

if you're not improving/practicing/training what you're being hard on yourself for, then it's pointless :P

ack doorbell

[manic jackal]

i definitely train on it, but i dont give myself credit for the things i do good yk. i need to work on that but oh well

[warm otter]

make it so every critique/criticism you find for yourself, find one accomplishment or thing you did good to go along w it

honestly also remember the type of person you once were and what you struggled with. and how you triumphed it :)

well the older you are the easier that gets heh :P i forget ur young young

it's so easy to overlook and forget all the accomplishments you've made in your life

all the struggles and how you surpassed them

not just the mountains you climbed but the valleys you climbed back up

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1194515467738554419/1205749315365109820/trim.DF31CDF8-EED8-42D5-9D65-453066F92A23.mov?ex=66843ace&is=6682e94e&hm=109b0b40c00a2adab9ee31c2e7cc6fd886f83e565cfb30497121a0e2348abb73&
me with the cat :D

huh dynobot allows the cat video but not the dog video o.O dynobot is doggist

[neon veldt]

YOUR CAT IS SO CUTE

[manic jackal]

The struggle to stop the Camara😭

But it's so cute omg

[warm otter]

ikr

Dyno hates my other dog one so here’s this

[manic jackal]

Awhhh

[manic jackal]

A dog hater by heart😭

[warm otter]

He is the cutest cat

[manic jackal]

Omggg

My kittie cat

[warm otter]

Soooo when do you have therapy :D

You said you already made an appointment?

[manic jackal]

Uhmmm like never🤗

[manic jackal]

Nope, that was for a docter that might help me get one. But it didnt💀

[warm otter]

Do you not have free therapists at your school

[neon veldt]

here’s my cat :D

[manic jackal]

Nope

[manic jackal]

AHHH OKG SO CUTEEE

I love it that people just decided to dump their cat here

[neon veldt]

I KNOWWWW :DDD

same

[manic jackal]

Why can't I pin the cats😔

[neon veldt]

i love cats their just adorable

[warm otter]

://///// another L for the communist european countries :b

[manic jackal]

Sameee

[manic jackal]

Atleast we have cheap health care🥰

[neon veldt]

it costs like 50 bucks for therapy in the US

[manic jackal]

(But I most definitely agree)

[neon veldt]

at least in my state

[manic jackal]

Jees, dor us its probably free cuz insurance

[warm otter]

Lol yes you can have that win

[manic jackal]

I used to make my cat believe that he catched it

[neon veldt]

i used to have 9 cats before my brother moved out

now it’s only two 😭

[warm otter]

I have 5

And 3 dogs

[warm otter]

High schools and colleges have it for free

Well at least here

[neon veldt]

im not sure about the collage i plan on going too has that

[warm otter]

Even the cheap community colleges have it

[neon veldt]

that’s nice :)

[manic jackal]

Jees

[neon veldt]

i’ve only ever had a councilor before

never had an therapist but im hoping to go see one soon

[manic jackal]

That's a win

My teeth hurt because ✨️braces✨️

[manic jackal]

Awhhh

[warm otter]

Soooooo how do u get a therapist there then sophie

[manic jackal]

Uhmm call a therapy center?

[warm otter]

Aaaaaaaaaand did you do that

:b

[manic jackal]

Uuuuuuuuhm no

[warm otter]

You have fallen for the trap card

Why not

[manic jackal]

Il be fine🥰

[manic jackal]

Because scary

[warm otter]

What’s the worst that can happen

[manic jackal]

I have to tell my parents and my parents telling me that I don't need it and that it's all just hormones

(If this is hormones then idk if I want them😔)

[warm otter]

I definitely don’t think it’s needed but can be helpful

[manic jackal]

Uhmmm yeahhh well we'll see

[warm otter]

I usually think having good healthy people in your life is enough

But

[manic jackal]

I dont🥰

[warm otter]

Yeah ur bf sounds like he could be healthier for you

[warm otter]

( i know lol )

[manic jackal]

Damn😔

[manic jackal]

Yeah

[warm otter]

Which is why i think, seeing how you also said you wanted therapy, you should call the center

[manic jackal]

Yeah but I can't do that myself

I'd need my parents for that

[warm otter]

Oh you do?

[manic jackal]

Yeah insurance stuff probably, and they also want to know where I go every week at some point

[warm otter]

Okay so a little cost benefit analysis

What are the cons of doing this? Your parents?

And what are the pros of doing this?

[manic jackal]

Yeah

[manic jackal]

Having a better mental health and I'd probably not ||kill myeself|| before 15🥰

[warm otter]

Okay

I think you should do it

[manic jackal]

Killing myself?

[warm otter]

Nooooooo

No

No

No

No

[manic jackal]

Sorry I couldn't let this slide😔

[warm otter]

NO

[manic jackal]

It was to perfect

[warm otter]

:|

[manic jackal]

(But yeah I also think so)

[warm otter]

Bad

[warm otter]

That you should get therapy?

What if i throw in a bonus

Cat video

If you called

[manic jackal]

💀

Love the effort

[warm otter]

Sooooo

That’s a yes?

[manic jackal]

Hmmm

No

But il see if I can talk to my parents (I've been saying this for the past 6 months)

[warm otter]

And you never talked yo them??

Too bad

Because I’ve already sent the cat video

You are now morally obligated to talk to your parents about this

You have 24 hrs

( there will be more cat vids after )

[manic jackal]

Not really

[manic jackal]

OMG SO CUTEEE

[manic jackal]

No😔

[warm otter]

Yesssssss

Cmon

Today

[manic jackal]

😔

[warm otter]

Get it over with

What do i have to throw in

To get u to do it

[manic jackal]

But ypu know how hard it is😔

I'm scared af

I'm going to school rn, so il text back at around 8:55:)

[warm otter]

I have dog videos.. duck videos, raccoon videos, all the videos

[warm otter]

It’s very stressful

And hard to start

But once you’re actually having it it won’t be all too bad, I promise

[manic jackal]

I know, but that first step is scary af

[warm otter]

It is

But you’re also aware it will pay out

What makes it easier

Walk up to them and say

“I’ve been meaning to ask you something “

[manic jackal]

Maybe I will

[warm otter]

Those words are mostly easy to say

Easy enough

But then you’re trapped into actually having the conversation lol

[warm otter]

Lol what even is this

A bicycle?

[manic jackal]

Yeah, but the first words are rhe hardes

[manic jackal]

Yep

[warm otter]

Weird looking bike heh

[manic jackal]

Yeah it's a fatbike

My bike:)

I gtg again before I ge a fine 🙂

[warm otter]

Ok go!!

Ohhh you have a front rack

Ok i was sooo confused

Weird bike

I love biking tho!! I’ll go for huge bike trips all over the place

[manic jackal]

Yepp

[manic jackal]

No it's not, it's the best one

[manic jackal]

Slaying

[manic jackal]

Awhh

[warm otter]

You’re in school

Pay attention :b

[manic jackal]

It's just some stupid activity no need

[warm otter]

Yes need

[manic jackal]

No need

Best

(For the beat mother)

NOT BEAT

BEST

[manic jackal]

Heated stand off

[warm otter]

Sooooo

[warm otter]

How did this go

[manic jackal]

Didn't happen

[warm otter]

Idk how u can use ur phone and ride this at the same time

[manic jackal]

Because I've been cycling since I'm 3

So you learn it at some point;)

[warm otter]

Yes need

[manic jackal]

No need😔

[warm otter]

AWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THIS IS SO SWEET

Aweeeee

I love how reading it aloud some words sound like English heh

[warm otter]

Yet

Sooooo

Say it!!

[warm otter]

Heh i learned at 17

So abt 4 years ago now

[manic jackal]

😭

[manic jackal]

Uhmmmmmmmmmm

No

[manic jackal]

Damn😭

[warm otter]

Yeaa didn’t have people to teach me

[manic jackal]

ahhh that explains

[warm otter]

But now biking is the love of my life

[manic jackal]

real

[warm otter]

It was so easy to learn I just never tried before

[warm otter]

No more cat vids until u do

Cmonn

[manic jackal]

[warm otter]

Just 5 words

[manic jackal]

but no they are so hard

[warm otter]

Yes but u can do it

Sophie is capable of saying them

They awake rn??

[manic jackal]

no im not

[manic jackal]

no im dead

[warm otter]

Yes u r

[manic jackal]

i wish:)

[warm otter]

Rrrrrrrrrrrr

Bonk

Soo they’re awake

[manic jackal]

[manic jackal]

who is they

[warm otter]

Lol your parents!!

[manic jackal]

OHHHH

yes they are

they are alive

and

awake

but i wont talk to them

[warm otter]

Lmfao

[warm otter]

Why not

[manic jackal]

because uhm

because.

[warm otter]

Wrong

Try again

[manic jackal]

uhmmmm

because

uhmmm

i dont want to

[warm otter]

But you’ll be glad you did it

[manic jackal]

yeah but no:)

[warm otter]

What if

[manic jackal]

no.

:))

[warm otter]

You wrote a note

Instead

[manic jackal]

oh gosh

thats so wierd though

(not me overthinking about something that could save me )

[warm otter]

Would it be easier?

[manic jackal]

i would be scared to call 911 if im bleading to death

because what if its not as bad as i think

[manic jackal]

yes

but so cringe

[warm otter]

How about this